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1
00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:05,392
So... everyone's coming to our
place for Christmas this year?
2
00:00:05,497 --> 00:00:06,842
I thought you guys were going
to your parents' house.
3
00:00:06,954 --> 00:00:09,561
Uh, no. Jane and Alex's parents
are going to sex camp.
4
00:00:11,102 --> 00:00:12,646
Good news is,
we all get to be together,
5
00:00:12,769 --> 00:00:15,230
I get to open presents,
peace on Earth,
6
00:00:15,401 --> 00:00:16,634
who cares, who cares,
who cares?
7
00:00:16,738 --> 00:00:17,833
I get to open presents.
8
00:00:17,939 --> 00:00:19,961
When it comes to opening
presents on Christmas morning,
9
00:00:20,070 --> 00:00:21,919
Alex is like a kid
on Christmas morning.
10
00:00:22,029 --> 00:00:24,054
Yes, I'm getting good at this!
11
00:00:24,156 --> 00:00:25,064
- Mnh-mnh.
- There's nothing like
12
00:00:25,182 --> 00:00:27,081
the first delicious rip
of wrapping paper.
13
00:00:27,222 --> 00:00:28,871
The gift teases you
with what's inside,
14
00:00:28,989 --> 00:00:31,049
and you see those letters--
"C-H-U"--
15
00:00:31,212 --> 00:00:33,269
and you know
it's chutes and ladders.
16
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:34,867
Except for that one time
17
00:00:34,975 --> 00:00:36,980
that it was
a chubby checker chess set. Meh.
18
00:00:37,073 --> 00:00:38,149
Hey, guys.
What can I get for you today?
19
00:00:38,244 --> 00:00:39,630
I will have an egg nog,
20
00:00:39,768 --> 00:00:41,684
my most favorite
holiday beverage.
21
00:00:41,786 --> 00:00:42,792
You can drink it
any way you want--
22
00:00:42,911 --> 00:00:44,156
Straight, on the rocks.
23
00:00:44,264 --> 00:00:46,765
You can throw a shot of sake in
there, call it a Nagasaki bomb.
24
00:00:46,870 --> 00:00:49,221
Uh-oh.
Did he hear that?
25
00:00:49,353 --> 00:00:51,556
Did the Asian waiter hear that?
26
00:00:51,669 --> 00:00:53,164
Okay. I just need some IDs.
27
00:00:53,250 --> 00:00:56,442
Ugh! Carded again?
When will I look my age?
28
00:00:56,523 --> 00:00:59,739
Curse this amazing alabaster
complexion. What a hassle.
29
00:00:59,843 --> 00:01:00,763
Well, not just yours, ma'am.
30
00:01:00,874 --> 00:01:02,261
- Ma'am?
- I need everybody's IDs.
31
00:01:02,394 --> 00:01:03,888
Some kids have been sneaking in
with some fakes.
32
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,105
Ah. I remember
my first fake ID.
33
00:01:06,239 --> 00:01:09,916
D'Sean Andre.
40, pisces, from Ohio.
34
00:01:10,034 --> 00:01:10,907
I got in nowhere.
35
00:01:11,037 --> 00:01:12,533
I'm sorry. Uh, this is a fake.
36
00:01:12,653 --> 00:01:14,080
What? No, it's not.
37
00:01:14,210 --> 00:01:15,438
Give me that.
38
00:01:15,788 --> 00:01:18,379
Is her name
Jane Kerkovich-Williams? Yes.
39
00:01:18,490 --> 00:01:20,640
Is her height 5'8"? Yes.
40
00:01:20,742 --> 00:01:23,160
Is her eye color frosted spruce?
Yes.
41
00:01:23,270 --> 00:01:25,710
Did she have to petition
the Illinois Secretary of State
42
00:01:25,841 --> 00:01:27,715
to allow her to have this color
on her license?
43
00:01:27,841 --> 00:01:30,142
- No. He's a good friend of ours.
- Mm-hmm.
44
00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:32,044
The ID is fake.
I can call the cops if you want.
45
00:01:32,178 --> 00:01:33,074
- Call the cops, man!
- Whoa!
46
00:01:34,878 --> 00:01:36,478
You think I'm scared of the cops
'cause I'm black?
47
00:01:36,589 --> 00:01:37,255
- Whoa!
- Call the cops, man.
48
00:01:37,378 --> 00:01:39,752
Okay, it is a fake ID.
49
00:01:40,573 --> 00:01:42,420
Wait. Jane, why you have
a fake ID?
50
00:01:42,552 --> 00:01:45,015
My birthday is not July 16th.
51
00:01:45,136 --> 00:01:46,648
What?
52
00:01:46,814 --> 00:01:48,233
It's December 25th.
53
00:01:50,089 --> 00:01:51,792
I'm a Christmas baby.
54
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:52,918
I've never done pilates!
55
00:01:53,023 --> 00:01:54,849
I just go to a bakery
every Sunday.
56
00:01:55,952 --> 00:01:57,898
Oh. I thought we were all
admitting stuff.
57
00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:58,906
- No.
- No.
58
00:01:59,008 --> 00:02:00,402
- So just Jane?
- Yeah.
59
00:02:00,563 --> 00:02:03,484
Christmas baby, you say?
Weird.
60
00:02:03,605 --> 00:02:06,901
Let's-- let's-- let's rap
about that. Come on, everyone.
61
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:13,881
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
62
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,179
I still can't believe you lied
to me about your birthday.
63
00:02:19,407 --> 00:02:20,989
I thought you were
older than me.
64
00:02:21,215 --> 00:02:22,919
I thought I was married to
a MILF.
65
00:02:23,037 --> 00:02:25,671
Now all those fantasies about
her being my dad's new wife
66
00:02:25,795 --> 00:02:27,658
and giving me a bath
and swaddling me
67
00:02:27,787 --> 00:02:29,334
don't make any sense.
68
00:02:29,473 --> 00:02:31,349
Like, what?
What? What? What? What? W--
69
00:02:31,482 --> 00:02:34,999
why would a younger woman
give me a bath and swaddle me?
70
00:02:35,103 --> 00:02:36,637
- It's weird!
- Yeah, it's weird.
71
00:02:36,775 --> 00:02:38,947
Look, when your birthday
is on Christmas,
72
00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,460
you get
completely forgotten about.
73
00:02:40,611 --> 00:02:42,969
You know what? Let me paint you
a little picture.
74
00:02:43,159 --> 00:02:46,048
Early
one Christmas birthday morn,
75
00:02:46,172 --> 00:02:48,399
I tiptoed down the stairs
76
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,347
to find me mum and pop
waiting for me.
77
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,071
Wait. Are you Madonna
in this story?
78
00:02:53,189 --> 00:02:54,741
And, lo,
79
00:02:54,929 --> 00:02:58,129
besides them 'twas
a Christmas gift.
80
00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:00,275
'Twas an easy bake oven.
81
00:03:00,399 --> 00:03:01,934
Good story.
It's over now, right?
82
00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:03,801
- Shh! I wanna hear what happens.
- You were there.
83
00:03:03,949 --> 00:03:05,939
Well, there was another gift
waiting for me--
84
00:03:06,059 --> 00:03:07,856
a birthday gift.
85
00:03:07,973 --> 00:03:10,303
- Was it a sleigh?
- Hmm!
86
00:03:10,505 --> 00:03:12,227
Or a doll
87
00:03:12,406 --> 00:03:13,988
who wets herself?
88
00:03:14,112 --> 00:03:15,134
No.
89
00:03:16,536 --> 00:03:17,628
It was batteries.
90
00:03:17,748 --> 00:03:18,591
- No.
- No.
91
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,084
For the easy bake oven.
92
00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:21,616
And boom!
93
00:03:21,791 --> 00:03:23,296
My parents...
94
00:03:23,863 --> 00:03:26,215
ruined my childhood
by giving me the dreaded
95
00:03:26,344 --> 00:03:28,262
Christmas/birthday combo gift.
96
00:03:28,379 --> 00:03:29,792
- Oof.
- Roof stoof.
97
00:03:29,894 --> 00:03:31,625
Must've been nice
having two parents.
98
00:03:31,741 --> 00:03:33,210
Yeah. Sorry.
99
00:03:33,326 --> 00:03:35,675
So... I sat my folks down
100
00:03:35,802 --> 00:03:39,024
and I said, "from now on,
my birthday will be July 16th."
101
00:03:39,184 --> 00:03:40,189
And, you know,
102
00:03:40,309 --> 00:03:43,704
a summer birthday really matches
my easy, breezy vibe.
103
00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:44,840
Easy, breezy vibe?
104
00:03:44,955 --> 00:03:46,335
I thought you had more
of a a "Dead-Of-Winter,
105
00:03:46,463 --> 00:03:49,240
'Girl-With-The-Dragon-Tattoo'-
Saarsgard-Murder-House" vibe.
106
00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:51,187
- Yes.
- Aw, babe,
107
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,143
I feel horrible that you had
to change your birthday.
108
00:03:53,292 --> 00:03:55,053
You should get to celebrate
on your actual day.
109
00:03:55,176 --> 00:03:57,690
I'm really okay with it,
and not like when I said
110
00:03:57,801 --> 00:03:59,876
I was okay with you and Max
starting a black circus.
111
00:03:59,992 --> 00:04:01,547
You didn't like
ringling brothers for brothers?
112
00:04:01,660 --> 00:04:03,463
It would've been
the greatest show on earf.
113
00:04:03,592 --> 00:04:05,272
Don't you dare laugh at that.
114
00:04:05,894 --> 00:04:07,177
Okay, you can laugh
a little bit.
115
00:04:07,297 --> 00:04:08,333
Thanks. I wanted to.
116
00:04:08,436 --> 00:04:09,595
Racists!
117
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:13,583
Thank you so much for helping me
pick out Pete's Christmas gift.
118
00:04:13,690 --> 00:04:15,403
I mean, this is the first gift
I've ever given him,
119
00:04:15,519 --> 00:04:17,157
and I really don't wanna
screw it up.
120
00:04:17,268 --> 00:04:19,272
Pen, this is huge. Huge.
121
00:04:19,383 --> 00:04:22,187
I know! And-- and I haven't been
the best gift giver in the past.
122
00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:24,519
But this time,
I kinda think I nailed it.
123
00:04:24,645 --> 00:04:25,858
I'm either giving him
124
00:04:26,046 --> 00:04:27,746
- this book on Iraq...
- Mm.
125
00:04:27,898 --> 00:04:30,440
- This artisanal flight of jams...
- Ooh!
126
00:04:30,568 --> 00:04:31,861
Or this antique fan.
127
00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:34,421
Pen, these gifts are perfect...
for the garbage.
128
00:04:34,551 --> 00:04:36,007
Okay,
that's some fearless feedback.
129
00:04:36,123 --> 00:04:37,041
I'm gonna help you.
130
00:04:37,165 --> 00:04:38,821
Now most people
don't know this about me,
131
00:04:38,922 --> 00:04:42,712
but I have the uncanny ability
to find people the perfect gift.
132
00:04:42,822 --> 00:04:45,411
I am the gift...
whisperer.
133
00:04:45,558 --> 00:04:46,603
What's the what what?
134
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:47,753
You heard me, dollface.
135
00:04:47,869 --> 00:04:49,907
I'm the gift...
whisperer.
136
00:04:50,036 --> 00:04:52,975
Gifts whisper to me and tell me
who they'd be perfect for.
137
00:04:53,074 --> 00:04:53,805
Oh, really?
138
00:04:53,948 --> 00:04:56,300
Like when you said you were
the horse whisperer whisperer,
139
00:04:56,428 --> 00:04:58,340
but ya never ended up
getting that DVD to work?
140
00:04:58,470 --> 00:04:59,543
Shh.
141
00:04:59,692 --> 00:05:01,894
Pen, you need this gift
to feel personal
142
00:05:02,023 --> 00:05:04,260
but not come across like you're
ready to walk down the aisle,
143
00:05:04,381 --> 00:05:06,014
even though I know
you've picked out the ring.
144
00:05:06,108 --> 00:05:07,067
His grandmother has
145
00:05:07,197 --> 00:05:09,692
- this gorgeous bezel set
princess cut. - Mm.
146
00:05:09,801 --> 00:05:11,143
And between you and me,
she's not doing too well.
147
00:05:11,258 --> 00:05:12,422
Ya can't take it with ya.
148
00:05:12,531 --> 00:05:15,836
Oh, my God! You are the gift...
whisperer.
149
00:05:15,976 --> 00:05:17,852
Ah. Whispering's
kind of my thing.
150
00:05:17,953 --> 00:05:19,051
Shut up.
151
00:05:19,575 --> 00:05:21,094
Merry Christmas, everyone.
152
00:05:23,428 --> 00:05:25,592
deck the hallswith boughs of holly
153
00:05:25,724 --> 00:05:28,295
fa la la la la, la-la la la
154
00:05:28,486 --> 00:05:29,673
'tis--
155
00:05:30,014 --> 00:05:30,860
Mnh.
156
00:05:31,606 --> 00:05:33,740
Happy Birthday, Jane...
157
00:05:34,217 --> 00:05:36,034
and Jesus.
158
00:05:36,592 --> 00:05:37,517
Ugh!
159
00:05:40,337 --> 00:05:42,266
- Surprise!
- Aah!
160
00:05:45,007 --> 00:05:47,109
Why does she keep
pepper spraying us
161
00:05:47,238 --> 00:05:48,729
on her birthday?!
162
00:05:48,856 --> 00:05:50,443
It got in my pants!
163
00:05:50,614 --> 00:05:52,098
It's on my penis!
164
00:05:52,218 --> 00:05:53,428
What are you guys doing here?
165
00:05:53,545 --> 00:05:55,946
We were postponing Christmas so
we can celebrate your birthday
166
00:05:56,069 --> 00:05:57,317
on your actual birthday!
167
00:05:57,443 --> 00:05:59,433
We thought it would
make you happy!
168
00:06:03,170 --> 00:06:04,753
Ohh.
169
00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:07,183
Yeah. You know what?
My bad, guys.
170
00:06:07,345 --> 00:06:09,302
This one's on me.
171
00:06:15,986 --> 00:06:16,836
I'm sorry, guys.
172
00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:18,669
What was it you were gonna say
before the whole...
173
00:06:18,791 --> 00:06:22,123
- Aah!
- Thing?
174
00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:25,506
We were gonna say that we're
postponing Christmas for the day
175
00:06:25,627 --> 00:06:28,051
so that we could celebrate
Jane-mas.
176
00:06:28,183 --> 00:06:30,057
Did everybody do
the jazz hands?
177
00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:30,976
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
178
00:06:31,115 --> 00:06:32,335
- Oh, yeah, we made a big show of it.
- Yeah.
179
00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:33,574
What's Jane-mas?
180
00:06:33,689 --> 00:06:34,692
You're gonna do everything
181
00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:36,429
you would normally do
on your July birthday.
182
00:06:36,571 --> 00:06:39,431
I'm gonna take you shopping,
we're gonna get our nails did,
183
00:06:39,594 --> 00:06:41,645
and then
we're gonna throw you...
184
00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:43,275
the best birthday party ever.
185
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,497
Guys, I really appreciate what
you're trying to do, okay?
186
00:06:46,617 --> 00:06:49,113
But you can't shut Christmas
out. It's unstoppable.
187
00:06:49,231 --> 00:06:51,230
Oh,
we're stopping it, missy, today.
188
00:06:51,362 --> 00:06:53,540
Alex is gonna keep her weird
present opening fetish
189
00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:55,130
under wraps, no pun intended.
190
00:06:55,233 --> 00:06:56,178
I don't get it anyway.
191
00:06:56,291 --> 00:07:00,072
And Max is gonna be egg-nostic
for the day, pun intended.
192
00:07:00,201 --> 00:07:01,726
I'm not saying
there is egg nog.
193
00:07:01,845 --> 00:07:03,202
I'm not saying
there's not egg nog.
194
00:07:03,329 --> 00:07:05,381
What I'm saying is...
there's no way to know for sure.
195
00:07:05,522 --> 00:07:06,476
I really don't get that one.
196
00:07:06,601 --> 00:07:07,589
There is going to be
197
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:10,458
zero evidence of Christmas
on your birthday.
198
00:07:10,583 --> 00:07:11,931
- Please?!
- All right, I'm in.
199
00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:13,895
Yes! Unh!
200
00:07:14,012 --> 00:07:14,988
But...
201
00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:16,702
- this is gonna be tough.
- Right.
202
00:07:16,844 --> 00:07:18,707
Christmas creeps in.
203
00:07:18,837 --> 00:07:19,939
Example--
204
00:07:20,602 --> 00:07:22,313
Santa Claus socks.
205
00:07:22,430 --> 00:07:23,786
No, no, no, no.
206
00:07:23,904 --> 00:07:25,302
That-- that's not Santa.
207
00:07:25,429 --> 00:07:27,222
That's the old guy
from "Jurassic Park,"
208
00:07:27,339 --> 00:07:30,071
and those are...
candy cane-asaurases.
209
00:07:30,172 --> 00:07:32,153
Get out and do not come back
210
00:07:32,268 --> 00:07:36,247
- until you have on secular socks, young
lady. - Sorry, Pen. Rules are rules.
211
00:07:37,830 --> 00:07:38,743
Huh?!
212
00:07:38,856 --> 00:07:39,539
- No, no. No, no, no.
- What was that?
213
00:07:39,656 --> 00:07:40,659
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- What was that?
214
00:07:40,745 --> 00:07:42,217
- What was that?
- No, that's just--
215
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,716
That's the theme song
to "Jurassic Park," guys.
216
00:07:44,859 --> 00:07:47,616
Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park
217
00:07:47,754 --> 00:07:50,268
Newman gets killed bad
218
00:07:50,646 --> 00:07:52,136
I'll show myself out.
219
00:07:52,508 --> 00:07:53,919
- Penny?
- Right behind you.
220
00:07:54,734 --> 00:07:55,600
I love this.
221
00:07:55,739 --> 00:07:58,608
I'm glad we got tossed out,
because now we have time to find
222
00:07:58,722 --> 00:08:00,395
the perfect present for Pete.
223
00:08:00,556 --> 00:08:02,780
Although what is gonna be
open on Christmas?
224
00:08:02,921 --> 00:08:05,065
A gas station?
A drugstore?
225
00:08:05,186 --> 00:08:06,021
Israel?
226
00:08:06,130 --> 00:08:08,507
Pen, it's not about the gift
per se.
227
00:08:08,632 --> 00:08:10,323
It's about taking Pete
on a journey.
228
00:08:10,406 --> 00:08:12,363
Now close your eyes with me
229
00:08:12,578 --> 00:08:16,163
and envision the perfect journey
for Pete.
230
00:08:16,512 --> 00:08:17,693
Ooh-kay.
231
00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:20,376
See it.
232
00:08:20,508 --> 00:08:21,929
See it.
233
00:08:22,482 --> 00:08:23,178
I got it!
234
00:08:23,286 --> 00:08:25,739
We are gonna take Pete
on a fun-filled scavenger hunt
235
00:08:25,904 --> 00:08:28,157
that leads
to Arcade Fire tickets
236
00:08:28,285 --> 00:08:29,491
hidden in his apartment.
237
00:08:29,636 --> 00:08:30,625
Oh, my God, that's genius!
238
00:08:30,740 --> 00:08:33,161
How did you think of that
in, like, 20 seconds?
239
00:08:33,286 --> 00:08:35,372
Actually, I came up with it
in the first five seconds.
240
00:08:35,496 --> 00:08:37,178
The last 15 seconds
were spent wondering
241
00:08:37,302 --> 00:08:39,578
- whether or not I should
shave my goatee. - Ah.
242
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:42,789
And the answer is
a-big, a-fat, a-no.
243
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,634
We'll keep soul-searching
on that one.
244
00:08:44,742 --> 00:08:45,991
making
245
00:08:46,139 --> 00:08:49,627
decorations for my baby
246
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:53,314
I should've sung this
like Michael McDonald
247
00:08:53,592 --> 00:08:57,577
it's way better
like Michael McDonald
248
00:08:57,728 --> 00:08:59,126
yeah
249
00:09:02,235 --> 00:09:03,383
Sorry, hip-hop Santa.
250
00:09:03,514 --> 00:09:06,027
I cannot dance with you
this year. I made a promise.
251
00:09:06,169 --> 00:09:07,122
Oh.
252
00:09:07,306 --> 00:09:08,650
Are you poppin'?
253
00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:11,540
Damn it,
you can't pop without a lock.
254
00:09:14,106 --> 00:09:15,578
All right, I'll do one lock.
255
00:09:15,672 --> 00:09:16,938
One. That's it.
256
00:09:18,999 --> 00:09:22,101
Yes, yes, yes.
257
00:09:22,214 --> 00:09:23,173
Dave?
258
00:09:25,156 --> 00:09:27,136
Havin' a little dance-off
with hip-hop Santa?
259
00:09:27,251 --> 00:09:28,340
No.
260
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:29,395
I'm winning, though.
261
00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:30,432
I heard your singing, too.
262
00:09:30,547 --> 00:09:31,913
I don't even like
stupid hip-hop Santa.
263
00:09:32,019 --> 00:09:33,160
He's so stupid.
264
00:09:33,894 --> 00:09:35,501
Uhh!
265
00:09:35,613 --> 00:09:38,076
Whoa. How come you get to throw
hip-hop Santa off the balcony,
266
00:09:38,159 --> 00:09:39,746
but when I do it with
a balloon full of nickels,
267
00:09:39,862 --> 00:09:42,009
it's "attempted manslaughter"?
268
00:09:43,789 --> 00:09:45,957
Hold up.
269
00:09:48,331 --> 00:09:49,319
Oh, we sniffing people now?!
270
00:09:49,435 --> 00:09:50,889
That's what's hot
in the streets?!
271
00:09:51,388 --> 00:09:52,737
That's egg nog.
272
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,291
Are you back on
the sweet and creamy?
273
00:09:55,515 --> 00:09:57,165
It's not my fault, man.
274
00:09:57,309 --> 00:09:59,966
Merry Christmas!
Egg nog sample?
275
00:10:00,142 --> 00:10:01,533
It's half-price today.
276
00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:03,512
No, thank you, enabler.
277
00:10:03,657 --> 00:10:05,414
No yuletide beverage
for this guy.
278
00:10:05,525 --> 00:10:07,500
Just some snacks, some wine,
279
00:10:07,636 --> 00:10:09,462
possibly a "Source" magazine.
280
00:10:10,917 --> 00:10:12,343
Oh.
281
00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:24,216
I'd say that's disgusting,
282
00:10:24,346 --> 00:10:25,909
but I've seen you
marinate chicken that way.
283
00:10:26,014 --> 00:10:29,143
Now pull it together, man.
Christmas is not gonna beat us.
284
00:10:30,149 --> 00:10:32,273
It's beatin' me.
285
00:10:32,617 --> 00:10:35,507
It's beatin' me so hard!
286
00:10:37,532 --> 00:10:39,682
All right, we have a clue here,
we have one under the pillow,
287
00:10:39,802 --> 00:10:42,298
and the tenth clue will lead
to the CD player,
288
00:10:42,419 --> 00:10:43,317
which will not work
289
00:10:43,447 --> 00:10:45,516
because that is where we hid
the Arcade Fire tickets.
290
00:10:45,642 --> 00:10:47,318
I feel like this is
needlessly confusing,
291
00:10:47,433 --> 00:10:48,682
like that show "Treme."
292
00:10:48,821 --> 00:10:50,092
No, it's not confusing.
293
00:10:50,228 --> 00:10:52,243
You see, Wendell Pierce
is a struggling musician.
294
00:10:52,353 --> 00:10:53,175
Let me back up.
295
00:10:53,294 --> 00:10:54,804
Most people don't realize
that New Orleans
296
00:10:54,935 --> 00:10:56,659
is the main character.
Let me back up again.
297
00:10:56,799 --> 00:10:59,567
You see, jazz is derived
from negro spirituals.
298
00:10:59,670 --> 00:11:01,409
How do you think
this is helping?
299
00:11:02,006 --> 00:11:02,573
You know what?
300
00:11:02,688 --> 00:11:04,212
You do the clues in the kitchen,
I'll do 'em out here.
301
00:11:04,341 --> 00:11:05,935
- That's perfect.
- Okay.
302
00:11:06,163 --> 00:11:07,675
What can I work with in here?
303
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:09,051
I can do the light.
304
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,839
No, that'll catch fire.
305
00:11:11,359 --> 00:11:12,087
Here.
306
00:11:12,529 --> 00:11:14,485
"To Penny, from Pete."
307
00:11:15,230 --> 00:11:17,265
A big-ass candle.
308
00:11:17,835 --> 00:11:19,260
That's terrible.
309
00:11:19,544 --> 00:11:21,559
Well, Al, you really
cleared this place out.
310
00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:22,946
No Christmas decorations.
311
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:23,853
I don't even see
312
00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:25,822
your annual Christmas
gingerbread "Love Actually"
313
00:11:25,924 --> 00:11:26,884
- window display.
- No.
314
00:11:27,005 --> 00:11:28,296
I threw out
gingerbread Hugh Grant.
315
00:11:28,435 --> 00:11:30,228
I threw out
gingerbread Liam Neeson.
316
00:11:30,377 --> 00:11:31,503
Full discloshe,
317
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,566
I ate gumdrop Bill Nighy.
318
00:11:33,686 --> 00:11:34,658
Yummy guy.
319
00:11:34,769 --> 00:11:35,712
This is great.
320
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,518
I finally get to do
my birthday shopping spree
321
00:11:37,638 --> 00:11:39,099
on my actual birthday.
322
00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:40,725
Thanks, Al.
323
00:11:40,898 --> 00:11:41,898
You're welcome.
324
00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:43,615
Hey, do you want me to gift wrap
that dress for you?
325
00:11:43,722 --> 00:11:44,723
And are you sure
you can handle that
326
00:11:44,828 --> 00:11:47,092
with your whole gift wrapping
issue that makes no sense?
327
00:11:47,201 --> 00:11:49,299
I'm fine. I got that
70% recycled paper,
328
00:11:49,452 --> 00:11:50,950
so you know it's real soft.
329
00:11:51,088 --> 00:11:52,053
Weak.
330
00:11:52,216 --> 00:11:53,711
Won't put up much of a fight.
331
00:11:53,935 --> 00:11:56,506
Yeah, it'll rip up real nice.
332
00:11:56,612 --> 00:11:59,198
So just give me the gift,
and I'll unwrap it-- wrap it--
333
00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:00,779
unwrap it--
just give it to me.
334
00:12:00,903 --> 00:12:03,439
Okay.
335
00:12:03,627 --> 00:12:05,301
Pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up.
336
00:12:06,115 --> 00:12:07,194
Hey, Brad, how's it going?
337
00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:09,185
Uh, not great.
We're taking on Christmas.
338
00:12:09,317 --> 00:12:11,043
I, uh, I danced
with my hip-hop Santa,
339
00:12:11,172 --> 00:12:12,658
and Max got drunk on egg nog.
340
00:12:13,917 --> 00:12:16,026
I didn't vote for Obama!
341
00:12:16,123 --> 00:12:18,899
I couldn't respect
his march madness bracket!
342
00:12:19,027 --> 00:12:21,183
Al, we really need your...
343
00:12:21,370 --> 00:12:24,121
Wait. What's that sound?
Are you opening presents?
344
00:12:24,229 --> 00:12:25,245
- No.
- What?
345
00:12:25,375 --> 00:12:26,360
Well, not real presents.
346
00:12:26,476 --> 00:12:27,519
It's that disappointing present
347
00:12:27,643 --> 00:12:30,156
gingerbread Alan Rickman gives
to gingerbread Emma Thompson
348
00:12:30,285 --> 00:12:31,630
in my "Love Actually" display.
349
00:12:31,795 --> 00:12:34,707
Ohh, yeah, that opens nice.
350
00:12:34,817 --> 00:12:38,200
Al, get it together, okay?
Stay committed to Jane-mas!
351
00:12:38,328 --> 00:12:40,511
Okay. For Jane.
352
00:12:42,898 --> 00:12:43,977
You really didn't vote
for Obama?
353
00:12:44,077 --> 00:12:45,797
I was being funny!
354
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:49,505
I wrote in Casey Affleck
on the ballot!
355
00:12:51,902 --> 00:12:53,377
Every vote counts.
356
00:12:53,593 --> 00:12:55,450
Just when I thought there
couldn't be any more clues,
357
00:12:55,532 --> 00:12:57,070
I open up the CD player,
358
00:12:57,182 --> 00:12:59,716
and there's tickets
to Arcade Fire.
359
00:12:59,839 --> 00:13:01,568
It's an awesome, awesome gift.
360
00:13:01,684 --> 00:13:02,865
- Oh.
- How did you know?
361
00:13:02,994 --> 00:13:04,972
Well, I have my ways.
362
00:13:05,136 --> 00:13:06,507
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
363
00:13:07,842 --> 00:13:09,279
I hope you like my gift.
364
00:13:09,393 --> 00:13:10,470
I'm gonna love it.
365
00:13:10,569 --> 00:13:11,945
- Aw.
- Aw!
366
00:13:12,206 --> 00:13:14,473
Hey, uh, Penny,
why don't you go on?
367
00:13:14,605 --> 00:13:17,042
I wanna talk to Pete
about my fantasy soccer team.
368
00:13:17,182 --> 00:13:20,485
You see, I'm thinking
about trading Inigo Montoya
369
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,879
for Rancho Cucamonga, so...
370
00:13:22,985 --> 00:13:24,387
Well, that sounds made up,
371
00:13:24,506 --> 00:13:25,939
but I've gotta pee,
so I'll go inside.
372
00:13:26,050 --> 00:13:27,079
I'll see you then, monkey.
373
00:13:27,189 --> 00:13:28,083
Love your face!
374
00:13:28,189 --> 00:13:30,105
- Thank you.
- See you!
375
00:13:30,214 --> 00:13:32,054
Hey, man, I don't know much
about soccer,
376
00:13:32,210 --> 00:13:34,235
but I think you just traded
Mandy Patinkin
377
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:35,718
for a town in California.
378
00:13:35,836 --> 00:13:37,299
That was subterfuge, Peter!
379
00:13:37,418 --> 00:13:38,419
What I really wanna know
380
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:40,731
is what you plan on giving Penny
for Christmas.
381
00:13:40,842 --> 00:13:42,325
Oh. Big-ass candle.
382
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:45,308
Ah...
Le big-ass candle. A classic...
383
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:47,437
If you're
a sophomore in college.
384
00:13:47,528 --> 00:13:48,533
Listen, Pedro,
385
00:13:48,643 --> 00:13:51,412
I got Penny a very nice scarf
from her favorite boutique.
386
00:13:51,536 --> 00:13:53,313
Now you can give it to her
if you want.
387
00:13:53,429 --> 00:13:55,188
Oh, man, I appreciate that,
Dave. I do.
388
00:13:55,303 --> 00:13:57,085
But I think I'm gonna
stick with my candle.
389
00:13:57,239 --> 00:13:59,093
- Big mistake!
- What?
390
00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:00,794
Nothing. I had something
caught in my throat.
391
00:14:00,963 --> 00:14:02,870
And you're making
a big mistake.
392
00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:06,615
Happy Birthday!
393
00:14:06,735 --> 00:14:08,308
Please don't pepper spray
my pee-pee! Please!
394
00:14:08,409 --> 00:14:09,928
Please don't pepper spray
my pee-pee, please.
395
00:14:10,052 --> 00:14:11,693
I'm new. I'm just trying
to fit in.
396
00:14:11,816 --> 00:14:12,768
Guys!
397
00:14:12,859 --> 00:14:15,533
Thank you so much for going to
all this trouble on my birthday.
398
00:14:15,653 --> 00:14:17,323
I mean, I was a little scared,
you know, to get my hopes up,
399
00:14:17,437 --> 00:14:19,855
but... this has been
really great.
400
00:14:19,986 --> 00:14:22,428
I told you, Brad has everything
under control.
401
00:14:22,537 --> 00:14:25,167
Now let's eat, drink, ha ha!
402
00:14:26,322 --> 00:14:27,687
Hey. Psst, string bean.
403
00:14:27,821 --> 00:14:29,488
- What?
- Listen, man.
404
00:14:29,615 --> 00:14:31,028
Jane needs to open up a gift,
you know,
405
00:14:31,156 --> 00:14:32,451
'cause it's 4:00
on Christmas day,
406
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:33,793
and no one's opened
diddly-squat.
407
00:14:33,905 --> 00:14:35,054
Just hang on a little longer.
408
00:14:35,164 --> 00:14:36,817
Hey, I'm tired of you telling me
what to do, man.
409
00:14:36,945 --> 00:14:37,811
You've got gift eyes.
410
00:14:37,923 --> 00:14:38,904
Presents, everybody!
411
00:14:39,033 --> 00:14:40,168
No, no! No. No, wait. No.
412
00:14:40,284 --> 00:14:42,108
What the hell are you doing?
413
00:14:42,218 --> 00:14:43,433
What do you care?
414
00:14:43,545 --> 00:14:45,561
What are you doing?!
What is this, "Oz"?!
415
00:14:45,684 --> 00:14:47,598
Damn it, Max,
you're noggin' again!
416
00:14:47,723 --> 00:14:49,754
- So what if I am?
- Look,
417
00:14:49,877 --> 00:14:51,259
tomorrow, I will buy
one of those,
418
00:14:51,381 --> 00:14:52,823
and we will wear them
to the movies.
419
00:14:52,965 --> 00:14:54,941
But tonight, I need you
on the nog wagon.
420
00:14:55,053 --> 00:14:56,464
- Respect.
- Right.
421
00:14:56,581 --> 00:14:58,326
All right, this is one--
and I like this one.
422
00:14:58,457 --> 00:14:59,827
- Hey.- Oh, yes.
423
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,377
- This is some beautiful wrapping paper.
- Come on, come on, come on.
424
00:15:02,488 --> 00:15:03,518
I hate to rip it.
You know what?
425
00:15:03,616 --> 00:15:06,948
I will get my letter opener,
recycle this for later. Ooh!
426
00:15:07,046 --> 00:15:09,116
- Great idea, babe.
- Recycle? What is this, Portland?
427
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,868
You gotta get her
to open this gift now.
428
00:15:10,990 --> 00:15:12,240
Hey.
Hey, you. Hey, hey.
429
00:15:12,332 --> 00:15:14,390
- Why don't you chill out and have
some back nog? - You have an issue.
430
00:15:15,673 --> 00:15:16,680
Aah!
431
00:15:16,793 --> 00:15:18,360
This is Jane's night,
all right?!
432
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,466
You two idiots need to get it--
Hey, boo! Found what you need?
433
00:15:21,589 --> 00:15:22,541
Sure did.
434
00:15:22,632 --> 00:15:24,511
Oh, you know what?
I am such a boob.
435
00:15:24,652 --> 00:15:26,277
This isn't
my gift letter opener.
436
00:15:26,386 --> 00:15:27,477
It's my letter letter opener.
437
00:15:27,587 --> 00:15:28,751
Just open the...
438
00:15:28,868 --> 00:15:29,881
gift!
439
00:15:31,933 --> 00:15:34,294
- What?!
- My eyes! My eyes!
440
00:15:34,407 --> 00:15:36,283
My nog! My nog!
441
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:37,978
- Ow! Aah!
- Quick!
442
00:15:38,112 --> 00:15:41,322
- How much nog did I put in here?!
- Aah!
443
00:15:41,465 --> 00:15:43,436
What is happening?!
444
00:15:43,919 --> 00:15:45,263
I got it!
445
00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:46,226
Aah! Uhh!
446
00:15:48,602 --> 00:15:50,591
Happy Birthday.
447
00:15:50,757 --> 00:15:52,238
Oh!
448
00:16:01,052 --> 00:16:02,380
Jane still not answering
her phone?
449
00:16:02,497 --> 00:16:03,710
No.
450
00:16:04,022 --> 00:16:05,352
I gotta find her.
451
00:16:10,374 --> 00:16:11,878
So...
452
00:16:12,646 --> 00:16:14,724
What's on the old schedule now?
453
00:16:14,846 --> 00:16:16,605
I mean, I guess it would
be wrong to open presents
454
00:16:16,732 --> 00:16:18,436
without Jane, right?
455
00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:20,842
But Penny can open
her gift from Pete.
456
00:16:20,965 --> 00:16:22,111
I'm sure he went
to a lot of trouble, right?
457
00:16:22,223 --> 00:16:23,138
No, I can wait.
458
00:16:23,277 --> 00:16:25,048
Just open the fucking gift,
Penny.
459
00:16:25,179 --> 00:16:27,691
Whoa. Okay.
460
00:16:28,156 --> 00:16:30,194
Well, Pen, here we go.
461
00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:31,606
I hope you like it.
462
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:32,776
Merry Christmas.
463
00:16:32,875 --> 00:16:34,921
Merry Christmas. Oh.
464
00:16:37,004 --> 00:16:38,504
A big-ass candle?
465
00:16:38,613 --> 00:16:39,719
Pete, I tried to tell ya.
466
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,825
- I love it!
- That she'd love it!
467
00:16:41,942 --> 00:16:43,282
Oh!
468
00:16:45,533 --> 00:16:49,978
Chains shall he breakfor the slave...
469
00:16:56,045 --> 00:16:57,837
Jingle bells,jingle all the way
470
00:16:57,973 --> 00:16:59,507
Merry Christmas!
471
00:17:02,277 --> 00:17:06,346
Happy Birthday to us
472
00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:09,814
Happy Birthday to us
473
00:17:12,234 --> 00:17:17,050
Happy Birthday to us
474
00:17:19,947 --> 00:17:22,041
Uh... excuse me?
475
00:17:22,188 --> 00:17:24,214
W-what are you guys doing?
476
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,037
Every year, we celebrate
our birthdays together
477
00:17:26,148 --> 00:17:28,703
because everyone else is
so caught up in Christmas.
478
00:17:28,845 --> 00:17:30,411
So get outta here!
479
00:17:30,803 --> 00:17:32,426
Christmas babies only!
480
00:17:33,230 --> 00:17:35,767
I am a Christmas baby.
481
00:17:41,464 --> 00:17:42,603
Hmm?
482
00:17:42,997 --> 00:17:44,568
Happy Birthday.
483
00:17:45,046 --> 00:17:46,558
You're home.
484
00:17:50,441 --> 00:17:52,435
Brava, Penny.
485
00:17:52,545 --> 00:17:54,009
What an amazing performance.
486
00:17:54,146 --> 00:17:57,346
I actually believed that
you liked Pete's big-ass candle.
487
00:17:57,470 --> 00:17:59,703
Alfre Woodard has nothing
on you.
488
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:02,222
But I really did love
the candle.
489
00:18:02,392 --> 00:18:04,159
And there's a very sweet story
behind it.
490
00:18:04,319 --> 00:18:06,559
One night, Pete and I were
watching "Contagion,"
491
00:18:06,685 --> 00:18:09,519
and he said if I were ever dying
like Gwyneth Paltrow,
492
00:18:09,633 --> 00:18:10,925
he wouldn't let me suffer.
493
00:18:11,118 --> 00:18:12,806
He'd put a bullet in my head
494
00:18:12,914 --> 00:18:15,094
and then light
the biggest candle he could find
495
00:18:15,248 --> 00:18:16,863
to match my big heart.
496
00:18:16,982 --> 00:18:18,168
Pete said that?
497
00:18:18,288 --> 00:18:19,593
I know!
498
00:18:19,827 --> 00:18:22,172
No guy has ever offered
to kill me.
499
00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:23,197
Well, one did,
500
00:18:23,301 --> 00:18:25,456
but it was during sex,
so I don't think that counts.
501
00:18:25,573 --> 00:18:29,346
Wow. So the candle is a symbol
of your relationship.
502
00:18:29,461 --> 00:18:31,876
It shines a light where you've
been and we're you're going.
503
00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:33,613
- Damn it.
- Mm.
504
00:18:33,733 --> 00:18:36,174
That beautiful bastard
is the true gift whisperer.
505
00:18:36,301 --> 00:18:37,776
Nay, he's the gift king.
506
00:18:37,902 --> 00:18:38,802
Yeah, he's a good guy.
507
00:18:38,926 --> 00:18:40,501
He's the King.
508
00:18:43,083 --> 00:18:45,803
So for Christmas,
my parents gave me a bike.
509
00:18:45,923 --> 00:18:50,752
Then for my birthday,
they gave me air for the tires.
510
00:18:50,906 --> 00:18:53,198
Yeah, you-- you can't
give away air.
511
00:18:53,352 --> 00:18:54,775
It's not yours to give.
512
00:18:54,887 --> 00:18:56,378
- No!
- Mnh.
513
00:18:57,382 --> 00:18:59,970
One time, my parents decided
to throw me a party
514
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:01,795
on my actual birthday.
515
00:19:02,018 --> 00:19:03,976
- None of the kids could come...
- Ohh.
516
00:19:04,169 --> 00:19:06,635
Except for Rachel Goldstein.
517
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:08,629
She had facial dandruff.
518
00:19:08,739 --> 00:19:10,521
Ooh.
Ooh. Never seen that.
519
00:19:10,677 --> 00:19:12,819
God, this is great...
520
00:19:12,923 --> 00:19:14,811
to be with people who get me.
521
00:19:14,964 --> 00:19:16,000
- So...
- Yeah.
522
00:19:16,126 --> 00:19:18,647
What else do we Christmas babies
do on this day?
523
00:19:18,767 --> 00:19:20,292
Well, first, we celebrate,
524
00:19:20,444 --> 00:19:23,129
then we cut the cake,
then we go out and destroy
525
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,952
everyone's
Christmas decorations.
526
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,006
Yeah. That's right.
527
00:19:27,116 --> 00:19:28,193
Y-- what?
528
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:31,137
We pay back Christmas
for ruining our entire lives.
529
00:19:31,259 --> 00:19:32,184
Yeah!
530
00:19:32,290 --> 00:19:34,036
- All the late birthday cards...
- Yeah!
531
00:19:34,138 --> 00:19:35,895
- The combo gifts...
- Yeah!
532
00:19:36,036 --> 00:19:37,768
The impotence!
533
00:19:39,561 --> 00:19:41,832
It's time to take back the day!
534
00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:43,912
Yeah!
535
00:19:44,081 --> 00:19:45,944
I just remembered.
536
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:48,420
This is a wig and it's a rental,
537
00:19:48,548 --> 00:19:49,534
and I have to return it,
538
00:19:49,650 --> 00:19:52,182
so I gotta ska-doo
r-right now.
539
00:19:52,290 --> 00:19:53,356
Okay.
540
00:19:56,047 --> 00:19:57,321
Babe?
541
00:19:57,710 --> 00:19:58,971
Babe!
542
00:19:59,513 --> 00:20:02,295
Where have you been? I've been
looking all over for you.
543
00:20:02,409 --> 00:20:05,438
Oh! And you got
my favorite caramel corn.
544
00:20:05,553 --> 00:20:06,412
Uh, y-yes! Yes.
545
00:20:06,547 --> 00:20:09,221
Yes,
I-I got this for you
546
00:20:09,335 --> 00:20:11,849
and-- and no one else
here with us right now.
547
00:20:12,004 --> 00:20:14,575
- Oh! That's so sweet!
- Surprise. Take it.
548
00:20:14,692 --> 00:20:16,905
- Just have it.
- It's stuck to your hands.
549
00:20:17,046 --> 00:20:18,280
Oh!
550
00:20:20,341 --> 00:20:21,346
You okay?
551
00:20:21,427 --> 00:20:22,498
Yeah.
552
00:20:22,915 --> 00:20:24,349
Let's go home
and celebrate Christmas.
553
00:20:24,452 --> 00:20:25,758
No! No.
554
00:20:26,032 --> 00:20:27,851
No, I-I'm not giving up,
all right?
555
00:20:27,982 --> 00:20:29,399
I've gotta make it right
for that little girl
556
00:20:29,497 --> 00:20:31,127
who got her heart broken
year after year.
557
00:20:31,235 --> 00:20:32,503
That little girl is fine,
558
00:20:32,849 --> 00:20:35,693
because that heartbreak made her
into the woman she is today.
559
00:20:36,352 --> 00:20:38,275
I took control of my destiny.
560
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,317
I changed my birthday.
561
00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:42,340
I am Queens Boulevard.
562
00:20:42,472 --> 00:20:44,397
- Damn right you are.
- Yeah.
563
00:20:44,529 --> 00:20:45,903
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
564
00:20:46,069 --> 00:20:48,657
- Mmm! Mmm!
- Mmm! Mmm!
565
00:20:50,180 --> 00:20:52,260
Thank you so much
for trying so hard.
566
00:20:52,601 --> 00:20:54,256
I really appreciate it.
567
00:20:54,964 --> 00:20:57,732
Now let's go home
before the riot starts.
568
00:20:57,841 --> 00:20:58,856
Okay.
569
00:20:59,507 --> 00:21:00,796
Before the what starts?
570
00:21:01,015 --> 00:21:03,017
Uh, it'll be on the news.
571
00:21:21,778 --> 00:21:23,239
Ho, ho, ho!
572
00:21:23,384 --> 00:21:24,495
Hey!
573
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,120
Ho, ho, ho!
574
00:21:26,893 --> 00:21:28,016
Ho, ho, ho!
575
00:21:28,569 --> 00:21:29,702
Hey!
576
00:21:31,384 --> 00:21:32,721
Ho, ho, ho!
577
00:21:33,027 --> 00:21:34,208
Hey!
578
00:21:36,666 --> 00:21:38,009
Hey!
579
00:21:38,044 --> 00:21:39,385
Ho, ho, ho!
580
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,573
Ho, ho, ho!
581
00:21:42,184 --> 00:21:47,934
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
582
00:21:47,984 --> 00:21:52,534
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
41570
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