Original subtitles

Ok, I'm freaking out.

We got one week to go, and I'm freaking out.

Hey, hey.

Relax, curtis. Isn't this, like, your third wedding?

Yeah, but charlene said it's definitely gonna be my last,

One way or the other.

I gotta tip my hat to you, man.

Getting married again.

I don't wanna say marriage is like jail,

But, you know, you lose all your freedom,

Somebody's screaming at you constantly,

And at the end of the day,

You realize, "I should have just hooked up with a dude."

My best man, ladies and gentlemen.

My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.

Bye. Bye. Bye, sweetie.

Hey, now, how we doing

On the groomsman checklist?

Are you kidding me?

We are on it.

We got, uh, tuxes rented,

Boutonnières...

Boutoned.

Hey, guys. Look who's here.

It's my sister rachel.

Gary: Ohh!

Wow, I figured, you know,

'cause, the weatherman said it was cloudy

With a chance of bitchy.

Uh, since rachel is a professional event planner,

She has generously offered to help me

With charlene and curtis' wedding.

Even though I didn't ask her.

Oh, stop thanking me.

Knowing it's been done right is thanks enough.

Well, ok. Um.

Curtis, the centerpieces

Are ready to be picked up.

They're kind of heavy, though.

The flowers are in these things

That look like giant bird baths.

What--what are they?

Giant bird baths.

Ok. Come on, guys. Let's go.

Uh, can we use your van, gary?

Of course you can. But, hey, look,

I have an exhaust leak.

I think the carbon monoxide might kill the flowers.

Flowers? What about us?

Uh...Well, my window goes down.

You know what? I'll wake you up when we get there.

So, rachel,

I haven't seen you since our little indiscretion

At gary and allison's wedding.

While you're in town, if you need someone to show you the sights...

I grew up here.

I mean the new sights,

Like the expanded 60 freeway.

Which, quite frankly, I'm ambivalent about.

I think it's a bad idea.

"ambivalent" doesn't mean "against."

It means " torn between 2 opposites."

Hmm.

I see you're just as much

Of a controlling ball-buster as you always were.

[laughs]

And you're still a big mess of dumb

Stuffed into knock-off jeans.

Kiss me. Try and stop me.

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Allison, girl, we got a problem with the seating chart.

Ok, you put this guy at a table

With 3 different women he's slept with.

Oh.

This chick while he was married to this chick

While he was paying tuition for this slut's kid at uc-irvine.

Ohh.

Can we just move him to, I don't know, table 7?

Oh, well, you told me that curtis' grandma weighs 300 pounds.

She is table 7.

Ohh! Ohh!

Hey, allison, uh,

Curtis is putting the centerpieces out in the backyard.

Why is this table wrapped up?

Oh, I'm shipping it to my parents

For the new condo in palm springs.

What? Yeah.

The table I designed and paid for?

The table we had all our family meals around?

I really loved this table.

Yeah, they're doing, like, a southwest theme.

I think it's gonna look great.

Allison, this is the last straw.

You got every valuable thing we owned in the divorce.

What am I left with? Crappy furniture?

What? Broken down appliances?

Look, next time you want to give something away,

You gotta run it by me first. That's it.

Gary, we both signed off on the terms of the divorce.

If the table meant that much to you,

You should have fought for it then.

Besides, you shouldn't have hired

One of your surfing buddies to represent you.

I had to hire goose.

The guy's like a brother to me.

Not like a brother you're related to.

Just a brother that gets you high a lot.

Well, maybe you would have done better

With a lawyer who didn't say, "not cool"

When he meant to say, "I object."

All right.

You know what? I stand by my lawyer,

And I stand by his closing argument

When he told the judge that you're bogarting all my stuff.

Dude, I'm sick of your negative vibes.

You're totally bumming me out.

Hey, goose. What's, uh,

What's going on? You got a big legal case going on, or...

Nah, surf report.

Malibu's blown out and trestles is flat.

Look, can I, uh?

Yeah. Ok.

Listen, allison's trying

To give away a table that I paid for.

Don't I have any rights here?

Doubtful.

Her lawyer pretty much crushed it.

But you know what we could do?

We could file a motion claiming the table was undervalued

And the issue needs to be re-examined.

I'm gonna call the county clerk,

Set up an appointment.

Wow, look at you, goose.

"undervalued"? "re-examined"?

I'm impressed.

Yes, case number 19372561.

Brooks. Uh-huh.

Right.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Right.

Really? Ok.

Mahalo.

Uh, we're not gonna be able to file that motion, bud.

What? That's unbelievable.

Great. So, allison just gets to do whatever she wants?

Not exactly.

Hang on a sec. I might need some medicine for this.

[water burbling]

[sniffing] ahem.

See, there's an inbox at the county clerk's office

Where the lawyers drop off divorce agreements to be processed.

The clerks enter it into what's called

A "register of actions"

And then, we pick it up.

So? Well,

Let's say a lawyer was running a little late

For his "drum circle" at venice beach

And accidentally picked it up before they entered it.

Then?

Long story short, the table's still yours.

Awesome.

'cause you and allison are still married.

[grunts]

[water burbles]

Yecch.

You and mitch are still at it?

He's my crowning masterpiece.

Mitchell.

Gary: Oh, my gosh.

You've turned my brother into ryan seacrest.

I know, right?

I finally have a boyfriend who everyone will think is gay.

Bye, sweetie.

Hey, rachel.

Hey, gary, you ready to go pick up those rings?

4 days to go.

Hold on a second. You guys are never gonna believe this.

My attorney totally screwed up my divorce settlement.

I'm still married to allison.

What? Oh, my god.

Yeah, now I gotta get divorced all over again.

That'll be fun.

Well, hey, since you get a do-over,

See if you can get your deer antler coat rack back.

Oh, my god.

I know.

That proud beast could hold, like, 20 coats.

No, I mean I get to get divorced all over again.

Except this time, I can do it right.

I can get my fair share.

I can really stick it to allison. With a real attorney,

One that doesn't walk into court

With a cockatiel on his shoulder.

When I'm done, allison won't know what hit her.

Yeah, if you wanna end up

With even less than you have now.

What do you mean?

I mean no one's tougher in a fight than allison.

But if you butter her up,

Become the man she always wanted you to be,

Instead, whoa,

When it comes time to negotiate,

She'll be feeling a whole lot more generous.

You really think this could work?

Yes, yes. And by the time she figures out

You're still married,

You'll already be on her good side.

And you can have your pick of all the stuff you lost.

All right. But whatever happens,

Do not tell charlene, all right?

She is super religious,

And she would not look kindly

On my married best man having a girlfriend.

Ok, I won't tell your fiancée

And I won't tell my wife.

What am I supposed to tell my girlfriend?

Oh, I would not let sasha know, no.

I mean, it was a miracle

You landed her in the first place.

You're like the captain sullenberger of booty.

Ok, what in god's name are those?

Oh, uh, charlene requested

2 giant, gold, interlocking cs to hang above the altar

To represent curtis and charlene's

Everlasting intertwinement.

Absolutely not.

Those are going nowhere.

Well, you know what, rachel?

Why don't you give it a rest.

Ok? Allison is really busting her butt

To make this a nice event,

And all you do is ride her.

Give her a break.

Go--go in the house, do something else.

Call the dove guy. See if he's got any doves strong enough

They can drag a banner. Just go.

Fine.

Wow.

What?

I've been asking you for 20 years

To take my side with her,

And you just did it.

Did I? Oh.

Time to hang the lights.

Ok, what are you up to?

Gary, why are you being so nice to me?

What? Am I?

Yeah.

Just, uh,

It's my best friend's wedding, you know?

I just wanna make sure it goes off without a hitch.

That's all.

Oh.

And?

All right. I'm gonna come clean.

All this wedding stuff the past week

Has really got me thinking that, uh,

I really could have been a better husband to you.

Am I being recorded?

This some kind of bachelor party gag,

And you need a cheap stripper?

Right? Huh? No.

No, I've just really been doing a lot of thinking about us,

And I could have done a lot of things differently.

I don't think you could have said anything sweeter.

We are actually looking for a cheap stripper, but, um,

You're such a sexy little tramp,

The second you started shaking it,

The guys would drop dead.

Oh, gary!

I gotta tell you, mitch, your plan is working perfectly.

Ok? The nicer I am to allison, she's like putty in my hands.

I wouldn't be surprised if I end up with stuff

That she bought after the divorce.

Just be careful

That the guilt doesn't start creeping in

At the last minute, 'cause you're almost there.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm pumicing my heels.

I haven't heard from rachel in 3 days, all right?

I'm worried that I haven't

Cleaned up my act enough for her.

I told you not to get involved with rachel.

I've seen her do this to guys before.

She fixes you up like you're some kind of project,

And then, she gets bored when there's nothing left for her to do.

Don't you say that!

She loves me.

Mitch, you cleaned up your act too fast.

She's gone, mitchell.

That can't be true!

I waxed everything for that woman.

I'm like a dolphin with eyebrows.

[knocking]

Hey, what are you doing here?

Wow, thank you. What a nice welcome.

Um, I wanted your opinion on dresses for the wedding.

I've called you, like, 10 times.

Oh, sorry. I've been really busy with allison.

Yeah, you've spent every night this week with her.

You'd think you guys were still married.

Ha ha!

Whoo!

Ohh! Wow, you're funny.

But, uh, hey, look, I'm here now.

You have my undivided attention.

Let's look at some dresses. Come on. Ok.

So, this first one, it might be

A little cocktaily- [cell phone rings]

But I'm thinking-- hold on.

One second. This is allison.

I gotta see what she wants.

Of course. All right. Of course.

Uh, allie?

Uh, hold on a second, ok?

Look, um, sasha,

I know I've been spending a lot of time with allison,

But it's only for a couple of more days.

And it's for a good reason, I promise, ok?

It's just, this is the first wedding we're going to together,

And it's kind of a big deal to me.

And you're spending every waking minute with your ex-wife.

I know. But it's almost over.

Just trust me, ok? Please?

All right. Ok.

Well, I'll see you at the wedding tomorrow.

And I'll let you know what I'm planning on wearing,

So I don't clash with your cummerbund.

Don't worry about it. As long as it's in the green family

And has lightning bolts, we'll be good.

All right.

Hey, allison, what's up?

Oh, my god. Are you serious?

Ok. I'm on my way.

Ok, hey, what's the situation?

Ok, curtis is freaking out.

He's in the living room threatening to call charlene

And tell her the wedding is off.

Ok. Looks like we got ourselves

The same situation we had

When tom almost ate his turtle.

Ok.

We'll handle it the same way.

I'll go in first, nice and easy.

If he makes a move for the redial button,

I'll take him down. You get the phone.

Got it.

Ahem.

Hey, buddy.

Not another step, gary.

Any closer, I'm gonna hit this speed dial button

And it's all over, you understand?

Curtis.

Why don't you give me the phone

And then, we can talk.

What do I get?

I give you the phone, well, I need something in return.

That's how we're gonna play it.

What you get, curtis, is my word

That after you give me the phone,

And we talk a little bit,

I might give you the phone back.

Give me the phone, curtis.

It's ok.

Here you go.

There you go. I'm sorry. Come on down. Get him.

Oh, gary! I'm tired, guys.

I'm so tired!

Come on. It's ok.

It's ok. Oh, man.

Come on. My first marriage was a failure.

My second marriage was a failure.

How do I think I'm gonna make this one work?

Well, do you love her?

Yes, I do. Ok.

And not just because of that body,

And when she gets everything in motion,

And this is going this way

And that's going that way.

Curtis, do you want to spend

The rest of your life with charlene?

Yeah. Ok, then,

You have to marry her,

And you work through the rough patches together, curtis.

That's marriage.

But what do you guys know? You split up.

Yeah, we did split up.

You wanna know why?

Because I got lazy, curtis.

Yeah, you did. You got lazy.

And I--

I got a little bitchy.

So bitchy.

Look, who knows if you and charlene are gonna work out,

But if you love each other,

You gotta give it a shot.

That's what life's about, my man.

All right, all right.

Well, you know, give me the phone back.

What are you gonna use it for?

I'm gonna call charlene and tell her I love her.

All right, brother.

Yeah. All right. And hopefully,

She'll tell me to get my skinny ass back home

For some of that good stuff.

Thanks, guys.

You did great. Nice work, gar.

Nice work yourself. Yeah.

Ok, so.

Uh, the wedding is back on,

And now, the only other potential disaster

Is their first dance,

Which is to "my humps."

Uh,

And there's choreography.

It's gonna make our first dance look like "swan lake."

What are you talking about?

We nailed our first dance.

No one has ever danced to "true" by spandau ballet

The way I did.

Please. Gary, you spent more time on my feet

Than I did on my back that night.

Let me tell you something.

It's time to put this tall tale to bed.

You've got a dance floor in your backyard.

Let's use it.

Are you serving me?

Consider yourself served.

Ha ha ha! Hmm.

Not bad, gary.

Maybe I was the problem.

Yeah. Well, you did have 4 sea breezes that night.

Ha!

I would have had 5, but I was pregnant with tom.

Gary, I appreciate you helping me out this week.

It's actually been kinda fun.

Yeah.

Hey, look, um,

I've been thinking, gary,

I--I hate that you think of me as the person that took everything.

You know? I mean, when we got divorced,

We were angry.

But things have changed,

And maybe we should talk

About you getting some of those things back.

Starting with the table.

Well, wow. Yeah.

You're--you're gonna give me the table back?

Yeah, yeah, if you still want it.

Uh, no, I don't, actually.

Oh.

See, I mean, I--I did, but just I, um,

I don't know. I just think differently about it now.

You know, allie, this is--

This is the part of the song where you and I always--

Yeah, I know.

[both laughing]

We're still married.

What? What? What?

What do you mean? Like, in your mind?

No.

My divorce attorney, goose, he completely screwed up.

He never filed the proper paperwork

In the county clerk's office.

You and I are still married. What?

What?

Wh--wait. Wait. Wait.

What--what is going on?

I was just being nice to you

So when we got divorced again,

I could get more of my stuff back, ok?

Oh, my god. You've been scamming me. I'm such an idiot.

I wa--hey. I was scamming you. Was.

But now, I-- I don't know. I--I feel different.

I feel a connection with you.

Something-- something's changed.

You know, the sad thing is

Nothing has changed. You're still an ass.

All right. 3 minutes to go.

Hey, man. Thanks- thanks for last night.

Yeah, no problem. I just feel terrible about what I did to allison.

My god, marriage is hell.

Hey, dude.

Oh, your marriage will be great.

Let's get this party started!

Hey, whoa, man. Hey.

Whoo!

Hey! I got nowhere to be

And no one to answer to.

No one at all. [sobs]

Mitch! You are drunk!

Your face is drunk.

All right. Easy, easy, easy.

Easy, now. Come on, look.

All right. We got about a minute left.

Has anyone seen sasha? No,

But if charlene walks down this aisle,

And everybody isn't in their seats,

I'm going to be spending my honeymoon

At a carnival exhibit

As the amazing assless man.

[grunts]

Mitch?

What is going on?

You smell like the spit bucket at a vineyard.

You haven't showered. You have crumbs on your shirt.

It's like I'm dating nick nolte.

We're going to have to have a long talk later.

All right. Come on. Let's get you cleaned up.

I might have to start over completely.

Go. Oh. Yes!

Ok. Uh, we're just about ready.

Ok. And just so I know for later, where's the bar?

Oh, uh, there is no bar.

What do you mean, there's no bar?

Uh, well, the bride doesn't drink.

Really? Look at the bridesmaid dresses.

You're trying to tell me

She wasn't hammered when she picked those?

Yeah. Yeah.

Allison, I'm sorry.

You're sorry? Really? Sorry.

What could you cash that in for, gary?

Maybe a pool table, couple of chairs?

Guys, the bride is coming. Could we lock this down, please?

Allison, look. I should not have done what I did last night,

And I'm really sorry, but I really felt something

Deep inside me, and I know you felt something, too.

Look, it doesn't matter. It's not the point, gary.

So you did feel something.

I keep carrying on about all the things that I lost.

I'm not concentrating on what I really lost. And I lost you.

And I just-- I don't know.

I think it's amazing that you and I are still married.

What? Hold on, curtis!

You're almost there, baby.

Keep going. Keep going. Come on.

What the hell is going on here?

Your best man is an adulterer?

No, no. He's not an adulterer.

He's just a married man with a girlfriend.

This is my wedding day, curtis.

And I will not have my future husband have a cheater for a best man.

If he is not gone in 3 seconds, I will be.

Fine. You know what? I'll just go.

Gary, don't move.

He--he's my best friend. He's not leaving.

Hmm!

I'm so sorry I'm late. Huge traffic jam.

Well, then, I'm leaving.

Because I was late?

No, because curtis' "best man" is an adulterer.

Gary? No. No, he's not. We're not married.

Gary: Yeah. We're not married.

Not to you, stupid!

He's still married to allison!

Ugh!

Wait-- baby, come on!

[indistinct]

Sasha, look, I-- I'm really sorry.

I just found out, like, a week ago. It was a clerical error.

Ok. So, what happens now?

You're going to get divorced again, right?

Right?

Uh...

Gary.

Gary.

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