Original subtitles

[both screaming]

[laughing]

[laughing]

Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yes! Yeah!

My brother! How long are you home for?

Well, let's see, the rest of my life.

My time in the marines is up, man.

I'm a civilian now.

Whoo! Ha ha.

My man. Let's play some video games.

Want to play, what, "Gears of War."

My--

What, too soon? Yeah, a little bit.

All right, we'll play "Mario Kart" or something.

Work our way up, have a seat.

Nice.

I'm gonna get a whole bunch of beer

And some adult diapers, that way we don't have to get up for a while.

Hey, so what are you going to do now what you're home?

I don't know.

Uh, economy's kinda bad right now.

Kinda thought I'd be painting with you,

But now you're this big radio guy, so.

I don't know, you got any ideas?

You can do whatever you want,

You know, you got lots of talent.

The world's your oyster, what do you want to do?

Hey, what if I was on the radio with you?

You know, like a sidekick.

Yeah, nice try, though, Mitch.

You have no radio experience at all.

I did a ton of radio work in Afghanistan.

You were calling in air strikes.

Come on, man, we're really funny together.

Any time we play Xbox, we always get some good banter going.

No, that's not banter.

It's you yelling at me, calling me a woman,

Telling me you're gonna go in the kitchen,

Make me midol sandwiches.

[laughs] see? That funny!

Actually, that is pretty funny. Yeah!

All right, look, I'll talk to Sasha first thing,

But I can't promise anything, all right?

Hey, I really appreciate it, bro.

What do you say to a quick game of midnight "Madden"?

"Madden"? Yeah.

Been a while. Let me switch teams, though, ok?

Well, the way you play, I assumed you already had.

Gary Unmarried 2x16 Gary Tries to Find Something for Mitch Original Air Date on March 10, 2010

-- Sync by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --

All right, thanks for coming in,

I'll let you know, Jagger.

You might hire an assistant named Jagger?

That is awesome!

There's a guy in ad sales named Keith.

We'll have half the band.

Well, I am not hiring Jagger,

Because under special skills,

He listed "keepin' it real."

[chuckles] well, hey, speaking of hiring people,

You know, my brother Mitch just got back from the war.

He was over in Afghanistan.

And, well, I kinda told him I would talk to you--

Oh, hang on a second, Gary, that's my phone.

Which I still have to answer myself.

Though I'm running out of fake voices.

[Australian accent] g'day, mate,

Sasha Warden's office.

Hold on, please.

[normal voice] just come talk to me in a minute, ok?

Ok.

Hey, Gary, guess what, man?

Ok, I'll give you a hint, I'll give you a hint.

What are three words you swore you would never say again?

"I'm getting married."

I'm getting married!

Oh.

Congratulations, I guess.

What, uh,

What, the is the charm?

Yeah, oh, man, Charlene and I,

We went out and had a real nice romantic weekend

up in Big Bear.

I'm talking long walks,

Red wine,

Hot tub. It was like a two-day cialis commercial.

She laid the law down, didn't she?

Pretty much. Yeah.

Yeah, we've been seeing each other for about six years, man.

If I didn't propose this weekend,

They'd have been pulling my body out of that hot tub

And checking my fingernails for dna.

Hey, Gary, hey, Curtis. Oh, great.

You know, I was just about to tell you

All the reasons you shouldn't get married,

And they just walked in right behind me.

It just so happens Curtis asked me

To help plan his wedding.

Yeah, we wanted an elegant, classy wedding,

And Charlene says that Alison is

The classiest woman she knows.

Also, I need Alison to curb my baby's spending.

You know, I have a hard time saying no.

Huh, well, Alison has no problem saying, "no," at all.

She likes to say, "no."

She also likes to say, "over my dead body."

That's a big one.

With her, if she does say yes,

You'll feel like you're on top of a dead body.

In which case, I was the only stiff in the room.

Mmm! Yeah.

Well.

Is Charlene here?

We have to go look for dresses.

Yeah, we were in the booth listening to bands.

Hey, Charlene?

Baby, I almost forgot.

We're going to need to go through this guest list

To find out who's afraid of peacocks,

'cause they gonna want to sit away from the aisle.

Oh, that's good. She's smart.

Hey, Charlene! Hey!

Congratulations! Thank you!

Oh, my gosh.

You just snared yourself one of the world's most eligible bachelors.

I just got a 40-year-old guy who's been married twice

And sleeps on a futon.

But I'm gonna fix all that.

Ha, all right!

Charlene, don't worry,

You're going to have a great wedding.

It's gonna be tasteful, sophisticated.

Oh, no, I'm not worried, 'cause I got ideas.

Bam.

Oh.

Uh, wow.

I don't think this is the kind of thing

Peaches and Herb would get together for, yeah.

I thought u guys talked about

Staying within a certain budget?

Budget, ok, I'll tell you the budget.

Charlene's wedding is so beautiful that people cry.

That's the budget.

Uh, I think the caterer's looking for something more like a dollar figure.

Curtis?

You know, you can't put a number on love.

So...

So we started talking about what Mitch wanted to do, and--

Oh, hang on a second, Gary.

Yeah, she not here right now, man, she call you back.

Look, I was thinking maybe Mitch could be a sidekick on my show.

[normal voice] oh, listen, Gary,

I would love to add more comedy to the show,

But financially, I don't see how that's going to work.

What? Whoa, whoa?

Add more comedy?

Yeah, you don't tell a guy like me to add more comedy.

You didn't think it was funny today

When I did Joe Pesci talking about the Lakers?

I thought you were doing urkel.

What?! No. It was Joe Pesci.

Like--[imitating Joe Pesci] what do you mean?

Kobe Bryant's like a joke, what, does he amuse you?

He's some kind of clown? He's a clown?

I'm hearing urkel.

[normal voice] what?

Look, Mitch will work for free

Until he proves himself.

Here's the thing-- a long time ago,

He made a really big sacrifice for me.

I owe him. Please.

Ok, ok, you can try him out.

But if it doesn't work, you're gonna have to fire him.

You ready to face that?

Yeah, great. I don't care.

Thanks.

How do you not know "Goodfellas"?

I was nine when it came out.

Look, do you know anything from "The Goonies"?

"Aladdin"?

"3 Ninjas Kick Back"?

All right, here's a prediction.

Jason Bay of the Mets

is going to hit 45 diamond ringers this year.

I know he had a rough stretch-- whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you just say "diamond ringers"?

Yeah. Yeah, it's my new thing for a home run.

"Jason Bay with another diamond ringer."

That doesn't sound like a home run to me.

How about something like, "johnny's dough boy."

What? Yeah.

Ooh, ooh, how about this, how about,

"Manny Ramirez just dropped a hot bag of nasty

Into the bleachers."

You really--you think that sounds better?

All right, hold that thought, Mitch.

We got a call.

Who's this? Jerry from Glendale.

Jerry from Glendale, you're on the air, go ahead.

Jerry: You're an idiot, Brooks.

Jason Bay is the luckiest guy in baseball.

If he hits three home runs this year,

I'll pay your salary.

Which can't be much, because you suck.

Ha ha, ok, Jerry.

Hey, Jerry, this is Mitch.

Never talk to my brother that way again.

You understand?

We got your phone number.

I'm going to reverse white page you,

Come to your house and show you

How I can tie your shoe from inside your mouth!

Hey, uh, Mitch,

It's ok to have attitude,

But you gotta, like, pull it back a little bit.

Just a little, just dial it back.

All right, roger that, loud and clear.

Just like firing a semi-auto.

All right. Here we go. Let's take another call.

We have Nate in Venice.

Nate, you're on the air, what's up?

Nate: I don't know. Diamond ringers

Sounds a little soft, bro.

Hey, Gary's not your bro, Nate.

Gary, who is this dude? Whoa, whoa!

I'll tell you who I am, I'm your nightmare, captain,

That's who I am. I'm the man who steals your mom

From your dad and ruins his life.

Then I get your mom to marry me,

And I dump her at the altar!

Then I go back and marry your dad!

Huh?

How's that for soft, Nate?

[dial tone]

Let's take a little break.

This is "The Score" with Gary Brooks.

And machine gun Mitch!

Ha ha, this is fun.

Yeah, a real riot.

[chuckles]

I thought that went-- fire him.

Ok.

Hey.

Hey. Uh, Mitch, buddy, we gotta talk.

Things are going great, right?

Yeah, it's definitely going great.

I just think maybe your talents

Are being misused in here, you know?

What's going on? You gonna fire me?

Well-- oh, my god.

You're gonna fire your brother.

[chuckles] no.

No, Mitch.

It's just, uh...

I'm promoting you.

You are now Sasha Warden's assistant. Congratulations.

Really? Yep.

I don't know.

I don't know, seems like kind of a lower position.

No, it's not. It's corporate, man.

I gotta be honest with you, Mitch.

Anybody could do this on-air stuff.

You sit down, you talk, it's easy.

But you know what I saw in here today?

A businessman. A businessman?

Like Donald Trump.

The donald.

Yeah. Yeah!

Now you think about it.

You got the perfect mind for business, Mitch.

You're logical, you're mathematical,

You're ruthless.

I mean, you're gonna start as an assistant.

But I give you six months,

You're gonna be running this place!

And Sasha signed off on this?

Are you kidding me? It was practically her idea.

This is great. Thanks, man,

I appreciate it. Ok!

Ha ha! Yeah!

Oh, look. Oh.

Hey! Yeah!

Yeah! Ha ha ha!

You want Mitch to be my assistant?

After what he did on the radio?

Absolutely not.

All right, so he's not an on-air type of guy.

That doesn't mean he's not qualified to be an assistant.

He told a little boy

He was going to drop-kick him into traffic.

All right, look, here's the thing.

Mitch and I, we look out for each other.

I really let him down.

When we were in our twenties,

We were both supposed to go into the Marines together, ok?

I was literally in the recruiter's office

When I got the call that Alison was pregnant,

And I bailed.

So now you feel like you owe him?

I totally feel like I owe the guy, ok?

Please, help me on this one.

I'm asking you, as your boyfriend.

That is not fair. We said we were going

To keep our relationship and work separate.

Yeah, that was before I really needed something.

[telephone rings]

Besides, how many more accents do you have left in you?

Actually, I have one more,

But I'm pretty sure it's offensive.

Sasha Warden's office.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Wong.

Oh, that was close!

Tell him he can start tomorrow. Ok.

Look, Charlene, you can't come down the aisle on a zebra!

I mean, like,

Where would you even get one of those?

I mean, at the zoo, they don't have a "need a zebra,

Take a zebra" tray out front.

I am the bride!

And the bride gets what she wants.

So I don't want to hear anymore

"can'ts" or "too bigs",

And stop telling me Marvin Gaye died in 1984!

Ooh.

Look, I don't want to say this in front of her,

But I'm on your side.

No, you have to say it in front of her,

Curtis, ok? You cannot have

Zebras in your wedding,

Or a snow machine, or acrobats.

And even if I could get an ice sculpture that big,

I don't think david blaine is going to want to sit in it for three days!

I know she can be a little overbearing,

But she's nervous, and this is how she expresses anxiety.

Trust me, she really is an incredible woman.

Ok, look, look, I love Charlene, ok?

But she's acting like a nutcase!

I'm sorry, you know what, I shouldn't have said that

About your future bride, ok.

I just--I don't want to see you get, you know,

Walked all over for the rest of your life.

Oh, please, like you didn't boss

Gary around for 15 years?

Actually, it was 19 if you include high school.

Ok, look, this is our relationship!

She makes every decision.

And I say the word "baby" a lot.

All right?

It works for us, ok? Well...

Now just tell me,

Is there anything on our list I can afford?

Uh, well, let's see.

Do you feel comfortable waxing

The bridesmaid's privates into the shape of hearts?

Um, considering the three of them are my sisters, no.

Ugh!

[telephone rings]

Sasha Warden's office.

Uh, she is on a call right now,

Can I take a message?

All right, anniversary of uncle's death.

Place flowers at gravesite.

Got it.

Hey, tgif.

All right!

Look at you, man! Look at me!

Climbing the ladder.

See you at the top, M.B.

Not if I see you first, J.B.

[both chuckle] excuse me.

Ah, god! Aah!

I'm here to see Gary Brooks.

Mitch, that's Joe Torre, manager of the Dodgers!

Let him up!

Sorry, Mr. Torre. I'm Gary Brooks.

That's my maniac brother Mitch.

Sorry, Mr. Torre.

Shouldn't sneak up behind me, though.

Military kind of trained me to kill people who do that.

Well, thanks... Thanks for your military service,

Really appreciate it.

Hey, I know we got off to an awkward start,

But you think there's any way we can get an autograph?

Oh, sure. Ahh!

Aah! Mitch, Mitch!

I was just going for my pen.

Uh, Mr. Torre, I'm sorry,

Would you excuse me for a second

While I talk to my brother?

Sure. Ok, we'll be right with you.

Mitch, can I talk to you for a second here?

Sure, Gar. Hey, just give me one second

To get someone to cover my desk.

Torre, cover my desk.

Mitch, this is not working out, ok?

Sorry.

I'm getting fired? Yes.

You said I was cut out for business!

I only told you that 'cause

You're so terrible on the radio.

Oh, no, no, you said I nailed it on the radio.

What's going on, Gary?

Mitch, I gotta let you go.

You just put Joe Torre in a headlock.

You kinda freak everybody out.

So this is where you bail on me, huh?

Just like when we joined the Marines.

I didn't bail, Mitch. I had a responsibility.

Well, if it looks like a bail and smells like a bail...

That doesn't... All right, look,

It doesn't matter, Mitch, ok?

I'm done helping you.

You never started helping me, all right?

Doing nothing would have been better

Than setting me up to fail, twice.

Look, I'm home from the service

And I just need a little support.

And you let me down, bro.

Now I know how Rambo felt.

Hey.

Nice grouping.

Yeah, it's amazing,

You put them all through the same hole like that.

Believe it or not,

There are some things I actually do pretty good.

I can see.

What do you want, Gary?

Is that a .357 magnum?

Yeah, it is.

Just, uh, just checking, ok.

What I've been holding around for 16 years, it has to stop, ok?

You and I were supposed to go into the Marines together,

But we didn't. You know why I didn't, Mitch?

Because I had a family that was about to happen.

Alison was pregnant, I had to care for my wife

And my unborn child. I had to be a grown-up.

And I suggest you start acting like a grown-up, too, Mitch.

And as far as what you want to do for the rest of your life,

You've got to figure that out for yourself.

[gunshot] if that's ok with you.

You know what, Gary?

What, is this the part where you kill me? Heh.

You're absolutely right.

This is the part where you kill me?! No.

No, no. I mean, you tried to help me out, you did everything you could,

And I just screwed it up.

And I wanted to blame you, because...

Well, because.

'cause I'm scared, Gary!

I'm so scared! [sobbing]

Whoa!

I'm scared, too, Mitch!

Mitch, get it away!

When I was in the Marines, you know, I knew who I was,

But now, I don't even know!

That's why I was so happy to see you when I came out!

You know?

[sobbing]

Yeah.

Yeah, you were happy 'cause

We could sit on the couch, watch football,

Drink beer like guys, right?

No, no, no!

'cause I figured you'd be able

To help me figure out who I am,

But that's not fair!

I mean, I have to do that! Me!

Not you! Me!

I gotta do it, and you, you told me what I needed to hear!

And that's why I love you so much, Gary!

[sobbing]

Thanks, guys.

Charlene's going to be here any second for the food tasting.

Hey, uh, what's this black stuff called again?

It's called rhythm and blues, tom, ok?

It's for the party afterwards,

And we don't call it "black stuff" in this house!

I was talking about this. [chuckles]

That's caviar.

Oh.

Hey, kids, go get your stuff, ok?

Ok.

Hey, Gary, I heard you talked to Mitch.

Good for you.

Look, Charlene and Curtis are going to come over

Any sec to taste some food, if you want to hang out.

What's going on around here?

You seem super calm.

I thought you said Charlene was making you nuts,

Curtis wouldn't stand up to her.

Well, that was before I discovered my secret weapon

That solved both problems.

Alison, you cannot drink all day, ok?

That is not my secret weapon.

And, yes, I can.

Alison, I'm going to make this thing easier on everybody.

All this picking and choosing,

It's just too much,

And it's driving everybody crazy.

Right, so I have decided

To have it all!

I want a little bit of everything!

I want people to go home and say,

"damn! I never had pheasant or caviar!

Tonight I had both!"

Ok, time for the secret weapon.

Ahem. Mitch.

Curtis, Gary.

And this stunning beauty must be Charlene.

I've heard so much about you.

Ooh! I like this one! So you--

Lock it down, squeaky toy!

I'm running the show from here on out.

You can talk when I'm finished.

Now, we've got budget considerations.

There will be no arrival on white horses.

There will be no harp orchestra.

However, this black stuff is acceptable.

As is the Marvin Gaye impersonator,

Who will be singing such hits as

"heard it through the grapevine,"

"what's goin' on," and of course, "sexual healing."

Is that clear?

Yes, sir. Good, moving on.

Curtis? Yeah.

It's time to stone up, man.

You are a man? Mm-hmm.

You have two testicles. Yeah.

I suggest you deploy them.

Um, all right.

Um, ahem.

[deep voice] um, Charlene...

We want the wedding to be nice,

But we did set a budget.

Now there is an assortment of bridal bouquets,

Corsages, and nose gaze in the living room.

I suggest that we go in there,

Take a look at them, and pick something

Within our price range,

But that is still as beautiful as you are.

Oh, baby!

Move, move, move!

Thank you.

Hey, I owe you a big thank you, man.

Got my ass in gear, and I think I figured out

Exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

A wedding planner?

No. No.

I mean, I'm good at it, but...

I need to be doing something that makes a difference,

You know, where people's lives are on the line.

I want to be a Marine.

Mitch, come on, you don't have to say that

Just 'cause you can't think of something else, you know?

I'm not just saying it, Gary, all right?

I love the Marines. I'm good at it.

It's where I'm happiest.

So after Curtis' wedding,

I'm going back in.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

And I know

I'm your older brother,

But I want to be you when I grow up.

[whispering]

-- Sync by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --

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