Original subtitles

Hey, allison. Here's the rest of the kids' stuff.

Thanks for watching 'em tonight

While curtis and I go out and celebrate my new raise.

Oh. Where you gonna go now that chippendales closed?

Actually we're going to a new place

Where they have much smaller banana hammocks.

And...We're done with the bananas. Ok.

It's not a problem taking the kids.

Howard's coming home from hong kong tonight.

So, I'm going to be home anyway.

Gotta tell ya, I really miss him when he's not here, you know.

And I know this is kind of soon, but I feel like he and I

Might just go the distance.

Great. As long as that distance is really far from me.

Hi, mom.

Oh, hey! Hey kids. You ready for dinner?

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't really have an appetite.

Or a will to live.

What's wrong, son? Well, you know that gir, Mellisa?

Well, I thought she was into me.

But then I found out she went to parabid lake with jerrod pinsky.

Jerrod pinsky is gross my friend danielle's sister sits behind him in history class.

She said he gets dandruff all over her desk.

Oh, honey, that's not nice to talk about people behind their back.

Your mom's right, honey.

The guy could have, like, a medical condition or something.

You gotta show people a little compassion.

Ok? So, how'd this snowman freak steal your old lady?

You know how I said I could impress melissa with those shoes that you bought me?

Mm-hmm.

Well, turns out jerrod had those same exact shoes.

And unfortunately, underneath his shoes was his dad's 20-foot ski boat

That they're going out on this weekend.

Ski boat?!

That's a tough one to beat my man.

You could have said, "hey, my dad's got his own radio show."

Or "hey, my dad's got a van with carpeting on the ceiling."

But if you ever need, your dad can fit 7 hardboiled eggs in his mouth

At the same time. You're golden.

Now you remember?! But when I did it at the cocktail party,

You acted like it wasn't happening.

Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

[stammering] you think-- you think- -you think we drank your whole raise yet?

You know, I don't like vodka.

I don't like jell-o.

You put 'em together and I can have a whole tray.

Hey, man, you-- you ready for another one?

I don't know. Maybe we should--

Maybe we should take a break.

We gotta take a break, curtis.

We prob--we probably should just take a break.

Whoo. That's good for you?

We proved we could do it.

All right.

There you go.

I feel bad for tommy.

I can't stop thinking about how he lost a girl that he likes

'cause his dad's some stupid boat guy--

Owns a boat.

How much-- how much is a boat cost?

A boat costs more than you got.

The only reason that jerrod kid was able to steal tommy's girlfriend away from him

Is 'cause his dad had a boat.

Yep. The kid had an edge.

Tired of guys with edges.

You think my dad had a boat in the driveway?!

No, I do not.

You know what my dad had? He had an empty oil barrel.

Just rolled it home one day. Left it in the driveway.

You think that barrel gave me an edge?!

No. You did not have an oil barrel edge.

I think your edge was, "hey, my dad always has pot!"

Hey, curtis, look at this.

There's a sailboat on ebay.

Used 14-foot catalina. 600 bucks. Oh my gosh.

You kidding me? What? It's got a hole in it? Why is it so cheap?

Let me see this here.

Oh, that--that is nice.

Wait a second!

You thinking about buying a boat?!

Maybe I am.

Well, how much are you going to bid?

I'm not going to bid anything.

I'm just gonna click "buy it now."

Hey. Hey. That's a serious move, baby.

I'm a serious man.

Get that boat!

I'm getting the boat.

I press the key, and it's done.

Do it.

I'm gonna do it.

Buy the boat, baby!

I bought the boat!

Yes! We got a boat!

âTª we bought a boat! We bought a boat! âTª

âTª we bought a boat! We... Bought...A boat! âTª

âTª we bought a boat! We bought a boat! âTª

âTª we bought a boat âTª

No, I bought a boat.

What?!

I bought a boat.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Hey, remember in high school when we got pulled over by the cops and you said,

"hey, swallow this or we got a problem."

Well, now we got a boat.

Hey, that sounded like a boat. Did you guys hear a boat?

That--

No, not yet. But, hey, I got it all lined up with melissa.

She's totally into me again. You told her about the boat?

Yeah, yeah. I just walked up to her before school all cool and casual.

And I was like, "hey, melissa, 'sup.

"my dad just got this cool boat.

And if you want to go for a ride, whatever."

Get this. She's like, "oh, my god, tommy. You're so awesome."

It's--it's funny how you remember it that way.

I saw the whole thing. He chased melissa down the hall

With junk falling out of your backpack.

Then one of your shoes flew off, and you shouted,

"my dad got a boat! And you wanna go on my dad's boat?!"

Well, after we cleared that up...

She said yes. And that's all I care about.

[doorbell]

The boat! The boat! The boat!

Be cool! Be cool! Act like you've been there before!

Gary brooks?

Yes!

Could you sign for a delivery, please?

Oh my gosh. True craft marine. This is it.

Here you go.

Have a good one.

I don't get it.

Well, open it.

Maybe the keys are inside the box for the boat.

Hey, if the keys are this big, the boat's gonna be huge.

Ok. Here we go.

Ok.

You know what? This is probably a model to familiarize yourself

With the real boat when you get it.

Yeah. I don't think so, dad.

Dad, I hate to tell you. But this is your boat.

You bought a collector's replica of a 14-foot catalina.

What?!

That's impossible. I must have been so drunk--careless.

Hey, dad, what am I supposed to tell melissa?

You tell melissa you got a boat.

We're gonna put that in the harbor.

You just tell her it's really far away.

Is the boat here? Where's the boat?

Maybe it is so small, because I am so far away.

Knock it off, curtis. It's a model. You know it.

Wow. Look at the detail.

Got little strings for the sails.

Little tiny hinges on the hatches there.

Oh, there's a little dude driving it inside there.

I'm gonna go call melissa and tell her this whole thing's off.

Don't. We'll think of something, you know?

It's--hey, your mom's boyfriend has a boat.

What? You're gonna ask needleman?

Yeah. I don't care.

I'll ask someone that makes me physically sick for a favor

If it involves my kids.

Ok. But you see bronson pinchot at the shakies,

And you can't ask him for an autograph for me?

The man was in the middle of a shift, curtis.

Welcome aboard the u.S.S. "needlefish," gentlemen.

Wow, you got a great boat here, needleman.

It's a yacht. Whatever. Doesn't matter.

I really appreciate you letting me use it for tommy.

Oh, no problem, buddy. He's a good kid.

I'm starting to think of him like a son.

Ha. Yeah, don't.

Hey, man, is this gps right here?

Yeah. This boat's got everything.

Man, you got everything on this boat.

It's a yacht. Whatever. Doesn't matter.

Check it out. You got state of the art navigation right here,

24-hour surveillance system right here.

I may have gone a little bit overboard with the tanning bed,

But some days it gets a little cloudy out here. So, you know.

I'd be happy with a boat that wouldn't get sunk if it got rammed by a goldfish.

You know, guys, it doesn't matter what you have on your boat

As long as you're drawn to the sea.

Boat guys are a special breed. We stick together.

Welcome aboard, hombres.

Now, why don't I take you guys down below.

I'll show you how to work the head.

I appreciate you letting us use the boat.

But I didn't know there would be strings attached!

You know, I really admire what you're doing for tom.

I completely understand how a father would want his son to have more than him.

Although my son will never want for anything,

So, I can't actually relate to it,

But I do understand it as a concept.

[cell phone rings] oh!

Excuse me. Yes?

Uh, no.

Yes.

Excuse me guys. Excuse me just a second.

Yeah, no problem, man.

Boy, he got squirrelly all of a sudden.

Look at this place. Can you imagine if we had this in high school?

This is way better than sideburns.

Man, we'd be getting chicks port and starboard.

What's this button even do?

[soft piano music plays]

Ohh.

Oh, that's pretty.

Whoo!

Hey, man, you better turn that off

'cause you don't want that soap getting on this lambs wool over here

That has been woven in the french boucle style.

What I mean by that is you can get busy on this stuff.

And whoa. Seems like somebody already did.

Allison's?

No. No. Allison never wore thongs.

She, uh, she always wore these things called boy shorts.

It's one thing I do miss about allison,

For all the times I hated her guts,

She did have a perfect rear end.

She's a little too skinny for me, brother.

Like, when I'm at the mall and I see a woman stop in front of a window

And it takes, like, 4 or 5 seconds for her butt to stop moving and get still...

Then she's in the curtis zone.

All right, these are definitely not allison's. Ok.

You think needleman's getting a little something on the side?

If you had a girlfriend, where would you take her?

Raintree lodge on riverside. Free hbo and heated pool.

What's going on in here?

We're just checking out your boat and holding underwear.

Well, those are allison's.

She must have left them here.

Ha. Guess again, needleman. We all know 4 of allison's boobs

Wouldn't fit in one of those cups.

Ok. Look guys, I may have had a little indiscretion.

But it was no big deal. It didn't mean anything.

But you told allison about it, right?

No. But the only reason I didn't tell her

Was because I thought it would make her really, really upset.

Now, look guys.

I know I made a terrible mistake. But I love allison.

And I may even ask her to marry me.

I don't want this to screw everything up.

Come on, we're boat guys.

Boat guys don't rat out other boat guys.

That's jet ski guys.

All right, but you are going to tell her.

No. I'm not. And neither are you,

Because that would immediately negate your boat guy status.

Ahh. Maybe I don't want to be a boat guy.

Look guys, the reason I came clean with you

Is because we're sharing all this boat stuff,

I thought we were taking our relationship to a cool new level.

You came clean with us because we caught you.

Ok. Well, however it happened, I would like to keep this between us.

Ok? And gary, if you're gonna go ahead

And screw everything up for me and allison, then it's game on.

And I'm gonna win.

All right, great. Just keep in mind, you're gonna win a woman

That will never really understand how to work the head.

Allison, I gotta tell you something.

What's going on?

Well-- allison.

Listen, I've given a thought of thought.

And I know it seems soon, but I love you,

And I want you to be my wife. Hey, what's up, gary?

Oh. Oh. Yeah. Oh my god! Yes, I'll marry you.

Hey, can your thing wait?

No. No, it can't wait.

I have to tell it to you. It's important.

Maybe you didn't see the ring.

He's a cheater, allison! I found women's underwear on his boat.

I'm not surprised. I rent out the yacht almost every weekend.

Allie knows that. Yeah.

You would be amazed by some of the things

I found on the boat.

One time I found a sex swing hanging over the bed

In the master bedroom.

Knock it off, needleman. Tell her the truth right now.

Ok. Gary, please. Please don't do this.

Ok. I know it's a fast engagement, but it's what I want.

I know this may be hard for you to process,

But we both knew this day was going to come for one of us.

And the fact that you thought it was going to come for you first,

Is, well, sad and a little funny actually.

I'm looking out for you, allison. You gotta believe me.

Howard, are you having an affair?

No, allison, I'm not.

Well, that's good enough for me.

[gasp] are you kidding me? Who you going to believe?

Me--the guy you've known for 20 years

Or the guy you've been dating for 6 months?

I think I'm gonna go ahead and go with my fiance.

Wow. All right, well, when he breaks your heart, don't come crawling to me

'cause I'll just have to tell you, I told you so. All right?

Gary, hold on. No hard feelings.

Look, I know you still want to take tom out for a spin on the old "needlefish."

So, she's all yours.

I will for tom's sake. But I am going to tell my son

That if being a boat guy involves lying and cheating,

It's not worth it.

You got it, buddy. Have fun!

Man, these boat names are hilarious.

Look at this, the "boatweiser."

You get it? It's like the beer except a boat.

Look at the "happy hooker."

'cause it's a fishing boat, see?

Oh, well look at this over here.

The "blow the man down."

Look, it's 2 dudes on deck there that--

Oh, I shouldn't be seeing that! Ok. [indistinct]

I can't believe allison doesn't know that needleman's lying.

She always knew when I was lying.

And it got to the point where I would come home and I would have to tell her

How much money I spent, how much I drank,

And how long I starred at the hot neighbor mowing the lawn in her tube top.

So, what are you going to do?

Tommy, come on up here!

Hey, if the underwear in the boat wasn't enough to convince her,

I gotta find something else that will convince her. Ok?

I'm gonna go look around. Hey, tommy.

Yeah?

Come on, you want to steer the boat?

Well, yeah. Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious. Come on up here, fella.

And melissa, you can be his special navigator.

Cool. Yeah, cool.

You just keep it pointed at the lighthouse, ok son.

And if you need me, you just call me on the intercom.

Ok.

Curtis and I are gonna go down below and do some real,

You know, kinda private business.

All right. Ok.

Let's pal

You're the cutest little captain ever.

Aw, thanks.

Hey, look at that "blow the man down." that's funny.

Hey, there's 2 dudes-- ok, we shouldn't be seeing this.

I searched the staterooms and the bathrooms, top to bottom,

Nothing incriminating in there.

It's no use. Once we found the underwear,

Probably came back and cleaned the entire ship.

Oh, no. He definitely did. I don't know what he used to clean that tanning bed

But I slid right off.

We gotta keep looking, curtis.

It doesn'tattewhat we find.

Once that rock went on allison's finger,

He's the new guy in her life.

Man, he's got the edge.

[soft piano music plays]

Oh! You're sitting on it. Get off of there!

We gotta keep looking.

We gotta find something.

Well, you keep looking. I'm gonna even the score my way

By drinking his booze.

This is a 17-year-old bottle of scotch

That's not going to live long enough to vote.

We gotta find something. A pocketbook, some lipstick,

Dead hooker--something.

Oh, my gosh.

What? You find a dead hooker?

Better.

A live hooker?

[doorbell]

Hey, they're here.

Hi, guys. Come on in.

What's this about, gary?

You want me to help you find the end of the saran wrap again?

It's all the same color! How I am supposed to find it?!

Allison, I've brought you guys over here because you were right.

I wanted to apologize. I acted like a complete jerk.

I saw him put the ring on your finger, and I just absolutely lost it.

It was a huge shock.

I think because I was surprised,

I immediately just let my mind go to the darkest place it could.

The mind is a tricky thing.

And when put on the spot and put in that situation,

I just said the most hurtful thing about needleman I could think of.

Just nasty words.

So, needleman, what do you say? From one boat guy to another, I'm sorry.

So, you're admitting that you falsely accused me of cheating on allison?

Well, apology accepted, buddy.

All right.

Really? Gary, just all of a sudden, out of the blue,

You're onboard with this?

All aboard! Toot-toot.

Curtis, it's good. All right?

All right. Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm gonna go into the kitchen.

Excuse me. Congratulations, allison.

Ok. Well, gary, I appreciate the apology.

So, I guess we'll go.

Don't go yet, because I got you a special engagement present.

Needleman--

Don't tell me. You got me something for my yacht?

Actually I gotou something from your yacht.

You have an amazing surveillance system on that baby.

Care to take a look?

Uh-- what? What?

Actually, no. We should get going, allie.

Howard, honey, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing. I remembered that I just left the oven on in my house in aspen,

Which you've never seen,

And I would like to take you there right now on my jet. Let's go.

Ok...

Come on, needleman. Come clean.

Tell her the truth. No one has to see this.

See? See what?! What are you guys talking about?

Nothing, allison. Gary's freaking out again!

Allison, look at me. Am I freaking out?

No. Actually, you're not.

Ok. You know what? I want to see what's on the dvd.

Ok. Well, I'm gonna take off--

Howard, sit.

Gary, let's see it.

Come on. Have a seat.

Enjoy the show needleman.

Woman: Wow. Your boat is amazing.

Howard: Yacht. Whatever. It doesn't matter.

Who's the slut, howard?

I don't know. That's not me.

Uh-huh.

Woman: Come here, howard needleman.

Allison, I swear I was going to tell you about this.

Howard: We're gonna take this to our grave!

Shut up, needleman!

You know what, gary? I've seen enough. Just turn it off.

Look, hey. Allison, I'm sorry. I didn't want to have to show you that.

But you just didn't believe me when I told you the truth.

Allison, look. Why don't we talk about this

Over a very expensive dinner on my train?

Ok. You know what, howard?

I don't want to go out to dinner with you.

In fact, I never want to see your face again.

Get out.

Come on, allison.

I mean it! Get out!

Hold on, allison. Let me tell you something, needleman.

From one boat guy to another,

You got 5 seconds to get out of here before I drop anchor on your face.

You know what? You can take this with ya!

Are you crazy?! That's a 3-carat diamond!

Ok. Totally, unrelated, I need to get some fresh air!

Are you ready for another?

Oh, hang on.

Hit me.

This one's for you.

How about the maiden voyage of the s.S. "gary" boat?

You ready? Yeah.

You do the honors.

Ahh! Lovely!

Ok.

Here she goes!

Ohh!

And there she goes!

The guy that sold that to me on ebay

Is going to get a lot of negative comments.

Look, gary. I know you were just looking out for me.

Hey, come on. You don't have to say it.

Wait, were you just going to apologize?

Yeah.

Yeah, you gotta say it.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you, gary.

You don't have to say it.

Hey! How'd it go with the ring?

Well, it landed in the neighbor's dog dish.

And now it's inside the neighbor's dog.

So, what do we do?

There's only one thing we can do.

We wait.

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