Original subtitles

Hey, gar. Now let me ask you something.

Charlene's out of town for a few days

And I'm watching her daughter michaela.

Any ideas how to entertain a 13-year-old girl?

Oh, why don't you take her to, like, pepe's pizza?

That place is cool. They got video games, they serve pizza.

Heck, they even serve beer over there. You know what?

If you go, I'll go with you. What time do you want to go?

Morning, guys. Hey, could we turn on the air? I'm boiling.

Of course you're boiling.

You're wearing a sweater. It's 75 degrees out.

I just miss wearing sweaters.

You know, you guys have no change of seasons here.

Winter in l.A. Is blond guys in flip-flops sitting outside starbucks

Working on their screenplay idea.

Ok, first of all, it's a miniseries.

I guess I just miss home.

Hey, I know what'll cheer you up.

Let's go out to dinner at my favorite restaurant.

Oh, that barbecue place? Oh, I don't know.

There's a picture of a pig wearing a top hat. It weirds me out.

Let me tell you something.

Anytime you see a pig wearing formal wear,

That's class.

Besides, we're going to my other favorite restaurant--leo's.

Come on. What do you say? It'll be like our first date.

Oh, gary, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.

Can I see you in my office?

Oh, yes, principal warden. I've been a very bad boy. Maybe you can give me an "f".

I talk too much.

Look, I like you, gary.

It's just I'm wondering if we have

Too many things stacked against us.

I mean, we work together,

And just the thought of dating a divorced guy really scares me.

You see, um, it's just

When my mom and dad got divorced,

My dad went through this whole string of women

And he wasn't really there for any of them.

Between weekends with us and all the fighting with my mom

They just got the last scraps of his attention.

Look, if you and I date, that's not gonna happen

'cause I'm gonna give you my full attention.

Gary, you got to see this. What is it?

That...That's an example of something

That will never happen once we start dating.

Look, gary, I'm sorry. I just don't think it's gonna work.

Well, I should let you know, I'm the type of guy,

When I'm faced with insurmountable odds,

I have a can-do attitude. I'm sorry, gary.

The answer's no. Well, there's nothing else I can do.

What is it, curtis? It better be good. It is, man. Check this out.

Somebody has been writing a horrible screenplay on your computer, man.

What is wrong with you, gary?

I'm making all this headway with sasha,

But, you know, here's the problem:

She thinks that if we date,

I'm not gonna make her my top priority.

Oh, man, I'm sorry. Hey, look, let me give you an antidote.

I don't want another one of your long stories, curtis.

Not an anecdote, an antidote--

A corrective countermeasure

That will remedy your situation.

See, with a girl that looks like sasha,

She could basically have any man that she wants, ok?

I mean, she's no fool.

She has sampled the wares-- plenty, I am sure.

All right, ok. Just get to the point.

You need to let sasha know that she's the only one for you.

Make a unique gesture. Make her feel special.

That'll take care of all that priority stuff. Trust me.

Yeah. You know, just to start, why don't you take her

To your favorite restaurant?

I can't. The pig ruined it for me.

Allison? No.

An actual pig. The barbecue place?

The pig's wearing a little top hat and a tuxedo?

Oh, come on. You got to be kidding me, man.

A pig in formal wear? That's class.

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Gary, I need the extra key for my car.

Mom needs the spare key because she's trading in her station wagon

For a yellow convertible bug that I'll be driving in a few years.

No way. That's a girl car. I'm gonna be driving before louise.

I say minivan, ok? Those things got, like, 10 cup holders.

The people in the back control their own air conditioning.

Look, this is gonna be my car, all right?

The one that I pick out alone,

Without someone embarrassing me

At the dealership with his stupid haggling.

But it's not stupid.

My negotiations have saved this family thousands of dollars.

Ok, gary, you don't negotiate.

You get mad, you get obnoxious,

And then you piss the sales guy off.

We are the only people in the history of car sales

Who had complimentary coffee and doughnuts taken away.

Hey, everybody. This is michaela.

Hi. Hi, michaela. How are you?

Well, we just had a great time at pepe's pizza arcade.

Wasn't that great when we pretended to be hamsters,

Just running around through those big plastic tubes?

No.

She's shy.

Want to go hang out with me and tom?

It has to be better than watching a grown man play in the ball pit for an hour.

You know what? 5 minutes of playing,

55 minutes of looking for my wallet.

You cannot believe how many lugies were at the bottom of that thing.

Oh!

And what the hell am I supposed to do with this kid?

She doesn't like fun.

I took her to ripley's museum

And she didn't have a good time,

Believe it or not.

Well, she could hang out with tom and louise

Tomorrow night at my house, if you think that'll help.

God bless you, woman. Sure, sure, it's not a problem.

I'm going car-shopping without gary for the first time.

Oh. Have fun getting screwed.

Ah!

As long as you're not part of it, I'm sure I will.

Hey, come on. Let's go get a beer.

All right. Hey, you have

Any luck coming up with an idea to charm sasha?

Not yet.

Well, you are in luck, sir,

Because I had a brainstorm.

At pepe's pizza arcade,

I was watching that purple dog

Who plays the piano in the band?

Banjo. No, no, the purple dog

No, I know he plays the piano. That's his name--banjo.

Well, then he should play the banjo. That's ridiculous.

Is that where the country critter band loses credibility for you, curtis?

Anyway, I'm talking about the idea I had--dogs,

Specifically puppies.

My niece had her 7th birthday,

And we threw her a puppy party.

That sounds like it's for kids, though.

Yeah, but that's where you're wrong.

See, the parents liked it more than anybody.

See, there was this one puppy--

He would put his paws over his eyes

Like he was hiding, like this.

Silly puppy.

We can still see you.

So you think I should do the puppy party for sasha?

You put puppies in her office and she walks in,

She will let you eat breakfast off her stomach.

That's what me and charlene did on Sunday.

Yeah, we had pancakes,

French toast, sausage,

Fruit salad,

Almond..., and she had sticky buns.

That's 'cause the sugar had gone down around the sides,

And the sugar was around her buns and all,

And it got all entrapped down there...

Hey, you know what?

I think this puppy party is really going

To put me over the top with sasha.

Thanks, man. You're welcome. Hey, here she comes.

You don't mind if I stand here and watch the puppies work their magic, huh?

No, but, look, don't crowd me, ok?

'cause I don't want her bumping into you

When she throws her arms around me to hug me.

My mom called.

They just put our family dog to sleep.

You know, I feel like I'm crowding you. I'll see you later.

Oh, I'm just gonna go in my office and be alone for a while.

No, no! No, no, no! Don't go in your office.

Go home. You've had a very traumatic day.

Just go home and take the day off.

No, gary, really. I really appreciate

You trying to cheer me up,

I just--I should start my day.

Ok, don't, don't.

Ok, before you open the door to your office,

Let me just say I'm sorry.

Maybe many years from now,

We'll look back on this day and we'll laugh,

But I'm sure that won't happen for quite some time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go pack up my things.

Oh, my god!

And you know what? Balloons were my first idea,

And I second-guessed myself. Always go with your first instinct.

Who put these puppies in my office?

Curtis.

This is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life!

Curtis had nothing to do with it.

I put the puppies in your office.

It's like I'm sad about bucky,

But then I saw all those puppies,

And, I mean, how can you be sad when you got

A little guy like this in your ear?

Well, he's got to be back by 4:00.

Gary, how did you know to do this?

Did you have a sense about my family dog or something?

Uh, yeah, actually. I've always had a bit

Of a sixth sense when it comes to animals.

For instance, when I saw the movie "snow dogs,

I just sort of knew that was the end

Of cuba gooding, jr.'s career.

Gary...

You go through so much trouble to make me happy.

We should go out.

Let me pick you up at 7:00.

Ok. All right?

now grab a dust pan and a plastic bag

'cause it's ankle-deep in here.

See?

All I did was change this 11 to a 14,

And this once-expired coupon is now our ticket

To a tasty tray of mongolian beef.

But there's no 14th month.

Are you hungry?

Yes. Then don't piss me off.

What are you doing, michaela?

I'm going to a party. You guys should come.

It's at this rich kid's house.

Really?

All the cool people will be there.

Oh.

I knew it sounded too good to be true.

Tom and I aren't cool. Well, hey,

If I'm not cool, then how come I threw away my spongebob pajamas?

Besides, if we went, we'd get in huge trouble.

You guys are divorce kids like me,

So if we get in trouble, just blame it on that.

You just look at them with sad eyes and say,

"you don't know how hard it is being a child of divorce."

My god, that's genius.

How have we not tried this before? Ok, I say we go.

Cool. My mom gave me money for the weekend. We take the bus.

Ok, let's do it.

I'll bring my cello in case they don't have music.

They'll have music there. They'll have everything,

Including a couple of nerds.

Great. We'll have someone to make fun of.

Ok.

All right.

Sorry I took so long with the sodas.

The guy tried to hand it to me before the foam went down.

It's not my first rodeo.

I liked how you also made him mush down the popcorn

With the scoop so you could get more in.

You're damn straight. If I want air, I'll breathe.

You know, we could have gone to a movie you hadn't seen yet.

No. You know, I really liked it,

And I know how much you wanted to-- "d"--ben affleck!

Sorry. It's all right. I love the movie quiz.

Yeah, I don't think you're supposed to shout out the answers, though.

And if you do, shout them out correctly. It's "c"--linda hunt.

No.

Who's this?

Mm-mmm. Don't think so.

That's my ex-wife allison trying to call me,

But I'm not answering because tonight is all about you

And you are my priority.

oh, gosh.

Leave me alone, allison.

Now, gary, it might be an emergency.

What?

Gary, where are you?

I can't talk right now. I'm on a date.

Tell your date he's gonna have to watch the movie by himself.

You have to get down to the car dealership to co-sign for my car.

Why? Because my credit is screwed up

Because you rented a movie 3 years ago on my card

And you never returned it. Now get down here.

This has to happen tonight. I already turned in my car and agreed on a price.

Why would you agree on a price if you just got to the dealership?

It doesn't even--

You know what, allison? Sorry.

I'm not getting involved.

Heh! Are you ok?

Yeah. What? Oh, I'm good.

I'm--I'm fine. Ok.

Yeah. Just...

She's only been at the dealership for a half-hour and she said

She agreed on a price, which means she probably got taken advantage of

Which I don't understand, consider--you know what?

Forget it. I'm ok. I don't even want to talk about that stuff anymore.

I just want to concentrate on you and me and the great time we're gonna have.

Ok, gary, why don't you just go?

I feel like I'm sitting next to robin williams.

You want me to go? You know what? Listen,

It's just gonna take a little while.

Go quick, come back, we'll go to dinner.

Ok. Then we go to dinner when I come back. Absolutely.

You sure? Yes.

Oh, you're the best.

Eric stoltz!

Gary, the movie quiz is over.

No, that guy looks just like eric stoltz.

Ah! Here is my co-signor.

All right. What's going on? I'm in a hurry.

Well, we have a little problem.

You got a big problem. A bear escaped from the zoo, and he's standing

Outside your dealership holding a sign that says "0% financing."

What's the credit issue there, handsome?

Ok, look, you rented the movie "strange brew"

On my mastercard and never returned it.

It went to a collection agency.

How do you know I rented it?

Well, it's a movie about a guy

Who gets locked in a beer vat and avoids drowning

By drinking the beer as it gushes in.

That's just one scene. That's not what the movie's about.

Ok, gary, thank you.

I was really looking forward to buying a car on my own

For the first time, and you wrecked it.

Look, if you just sign this form,

Allison will get her car and you can be on your way.

Fine. I'm on a date anyway. I got to get out of here.

Isn't this a little high?

Gary, just sign the form.

This is, like, $1,500 over the sticker

And you only got the standard package.

We're not buying the car at this price. No.

Well, you're right.

We are not buying the car.

She is. Oh, ok.

She is my ex-wife, who I pay alimony to,

So if she makes a poor financial decision, it affects I.

Ok, you know what? Gary, this is my deal, all right?

I accept full responsibility, ok? Just sign it.

I don't know. Extended warranty?

The car already comes with a warranty.

You don't need that. Take it off.

Well, what if the engine blows

After the factory warranty expires? Yeah.

You just told me you're gonna sell a product where the engine's gonna blow?

No. All right.

Then take it off. We don't need it.

But it could blow.

But it won't.

You never know. Sometimes they blow.

All right, do me a favor. Take it off...

Wait. Gary? Gary?

Gary, just sign the paper!

Please sign the paper, gary!

Allison was doing just fine before you got here.

Maybe you should sign the paper

And get on with your evening.

That's what the priest said and I wound up with this clunker.

Let me tell you something.

The air bags broke the second I took it off the lot.

Maybe the air bags didn't work

'cause you never hit anything hard enough.

This is so great.

We should've started breaking rules

A long time ago.

I know. I'm on my fifth root beer.

I can't even describe the feeling.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

I told you guys there was nothing to worry about.

I like your crutches. You wanna dance?

Yeah. Ok. Oh, right here.

Yeah. Well. Ha ha.

Uh-oh.

What? Who are those people?

They're friends of the brother of the kid

Who's having this party.

I can't believe they're here.

Because they're so much older?

No. Because I thought they were still in juvie.

Don't worry. If any of those kids

Try to mess with you, I'll cut them.

Oh, wow. I believe you. Ha ha.

Sir, I have checked with the manager now 5 times.

This is the only price he is going to approve.

All right, I want to talk to the bear.

Is the bear around?

Gary. Gary!

Gary, for god's sake, just sign the paper.

Look, look, you have ruined my credit.

I can ignore that, all right?

But I don't care if I'm paying too much

And I don't want power-assisted brakes,

Because after we're done here,

I don't want anything to keep me

From running your ass over, all right?

Ok, so just sign the paper

Before I lose my mind completely.

Can you do that for me, please, gary?

Fine. Good.

Getting a little excited over it.

Uhh.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Uh, mr. Hosenballs?

You...You forgot to date this.

Gary?

Allison, I'm just trying to get you the best deal possible.

I left a date with a beautiful woman to do that.

Don't you understand that?

You know what I think?

I think you're still in love with me.

Ha ha ha. Wait, what? Yeah.

Why else would you leave your date

With a beautiful, young woman

To spend two hours haggling to get your beloved ex-wife

A good deal on her new car?

I've been here two hours? Yeah. Yeah.

It's quarter after 10.

I gotta tell you, gary, it's downright romantic.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Oh, my gosh. I gotta get out of here.

All right. Can I sign next to it

Or do I need to initial the hosenballs?

Ok, roger. It's your turn in the bear suit

I'm in the middle of a deal, carl.

Chris, chris, over here. Over here.

All right, this is not cool.

You kids blew it.

I'm glad you called. Where's michaela?

Hey, michaela.

Get your stuff. You're leaving right now.

I'm just trying to have some fun.

You're not my dad. You don't know how hard

It is being a child of divorce.

You know what? I may not be your dad

But I'm the guy who's in charge of you tonight,

So you can cut the divorced parents crap.

I'm not buying it.

She wants to stay.

Why don't you cool out, old dude?

You know what? I think you need to step back, chump,

Unless you want your homies here

To see you get your ass kicked

By the guy who played tevye in the alhambra playhouse

Production of "fiddler on the roof."

Let's go. Now.

I gotta give my friends a ride home, so...

Later.

Later.

Sasha. Look, I know you said on the phone

Not to come over and apologize,

But I have to because everything I said

Wouldn't happen, happened, and it's all my fault.

Gary, it's no one's fault.

Look, you are a great guy.

It's just I've always had this vision

Of what a relationship should look like,

And it doesn't look like me sharing my popcorn

With a large latina woman.

I can't let this night end

Without doing something right, ok?

So, do me a favor.

Why don't you just come with me to my house

And let me show you something?

Ha. I have fallen for that before, gary.

So, no. Thank you.

Come on. How about just a nice cup of coffee?

We'll get a cup of coffee.

It's chock full o' gary. Come on.

I don't know.

What could be better than a hot cup of coffee

On a cold winter's night?

What are you talking about? It's 75 degrees outside.

Is it?

I know you said you missed the seasons,

So I figured maybe just for tonight,

I could bring the seasons to you.

Oh, my god.

I've had the air conditioner cranked all day.

I wasn't sure what your religion was,

So I just hedged my bets.

Gary, I--this is the sweetest thing

Anyone has ever done for me.

Don't forget your sweater.

There you go. Ha ha.

You know when I said I have a vision

Of what I want a relationship to look like?

This is it.

Huh.

Ha ha.

Did we rock it out tonight or what? You're a rebel.

You're a rebel. You kissed that girl

Right in front of her boyfriend!

Oh, yeah. More marshmallows?

Ok. Would you two like to tell me

What you guys were thinking tonight?

It wasn't our fault. We don't want--

We're children of divorce.

What? No. You left your bicycles

In the middle of the driveway

And I almost ran them over and scratched my new car.

Could you be a little more responsible next time, please?

Mwah. We will.

All right? Ok. Yeah.

What's that smell? Perfume?

Oh, I was just trying something.

All right, well, don't stay up too late, guys.

Ok. Good night.

You're dangerous.

You're dangerous. Ha.

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