All language subtitles for Fam s01e04 Its Been a While.eng

Hey, babe.

Hmm?Coming to bed soon?

As soon as I'm done making
Shannon's lunch for tomorrow.

It's kind of like
we're parents, huh?

Sending our kid off to school
for the first time.Mm.

Yeah, but instead of a cute
little kid with pigtails,

it's your 16-year-old
terrifying sister

with a Hello Kitty bong.

Which I threw away.

Look at us.
Making lunches,

confiscating drug
paraphernalia.

We are nailing parenting.

Yeah, we are.

All right,
catch you fools later.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going?

Meeting some friends at a club.

And before you get
all concerned,

yes, I have my fake ID.

Shannon, it's 10:30,

and tomorrow is your
first day at a new school.

10:30? Good point.
Club'll be empty.

I'll leave in an hour.
[clicks tongue]

You're not going anywhere.

School starts earlier than
you're used to getting up.

Yes. It's a time called...

morning.

The sun is out.
The air is crisp.

Birds are tweeting.

[scoffs]
Birds can't tweet.

Sorry, you're
staying in.

But I don't even want to go
to this stupid school.

Okay, first of all,

Theodore Roosevelt High School
is not stupid.

They have some of the finest
teachers in the city.

[laughs] You know what they say
about teachers, right?

Okay. Those who can't...

I'm a teacher.

Let me finish my sentence.

Those who can't do
anything else...

teach.

Uh, Shannon,

you may not be
into the ancient Greeks

or anything pre-Snapchat...

[laughs]

...but Aristotle said,
"The roots of education

are bitter, but the..."

Shannon, what are you doing?

[laughs]: I'm sending
a snap of this to Janelle.

She's been having trouble
falling asleep recently.

I thought this might help.

Why do I even try?

I don't know.

All right,
I'm going in my room.

Oh, has anybody seen
a little Hello Kitty, uh...

statue that I left out?

A statue, huh?

Hmm.
Didn't know you were into those.

What does it look like?

Well, it's got a couple,
um, statue holes and...

it's got some weed in it.

I threw your bong away, Shannon.

And you let him, Clem?
You used to smoke

all the time
when you were my age.

Yes, but I'm older now,

and I'm telling you
to do the opposite.

Which is the funnest
part of growing up.

[groans softly]

Right about now, I could use
that Hello Kitty statue.

♪

Hey, Nick, do you think
Shannon's gonna be okay

at her new school?I'll tell you what I think.

I think all we ever talk
about now isShannon.

Oh, God, you're right.

We're like
those annoying parents

who can't stop talking
about how great their kids are.

Except we're not parents
and our kid sucks.

You know what makes us different
than those parents? We're young,

we're hot,

and we do it all the time.

Mmm...

Dowe do it all the time?

We diddo it
all the time...

till Shannon moved in.

Maybe that's why we've been at
each other's throats lately.

Have we?

Yeah, like the other day,
you got mad at me

when I accidentally
broke the blender.

Who puts frozen mango
in a blender with no water?

That's how you make
a mango shake!

Look at us.
We're doing it again.

Yeah, 'cause, again,
we're not doing it.

[sighs]

It's hard having Shannon
in our space.

But tomorrow,
once school starts,

we're gonna get a lot of
structure back into our lives,

and maybe we can...

get back into our routine.

Wait, you think our sex
is routine?

I mean, maybe steps
one through four,

but, I mean, come on,
five through 11?

How about we cut
to step nine right now?

Ooh. It is on.

And it's gonna be the
opposite of routine.

But don't worry, Daddy's still
gonna throw in the greatest hits

and give Mama
what she wants. [laughs]

Hey, guys.

Oh! Uh...
Oh.

Get a room.

We're in our room.

Don't you knock?

I try not to.

My knuckles are a little sensy.

Anyway, we got any apples?

Do you need an apple so that
you can make a pipe out of it?

[scoffs]
No!

I need an apple
'cause you threw away my bong.

Hey, Shannon...

get out.

Oh, I'll just use a potato.

Shannon...

Why haven't we put a lock
on this door?

'Cause we've never had
a Shannon before.

You know what?

Tomorrow morning Shannon
has to leave at 7:30.

We don't have to leave
until 8:00.

That gives us a full
30-minute window of opportunity.

Mmm...

I like what you're suggesting.

A good old-fashioned...

smash-and-dash.

Okay, I just saw Shannon.

She's dressed for school
and ready to go.

Any second now, she'll be
walking out of that room,

and we will be
walking into ours.

Great. I got her lunch,
packed her bag,

and manscaped
all my business.

Okay, let's separate
those thoughts,

but you know
what I'm saying. Mm-hmm.

[takes deep breath]

Shannon?

Shannon!

[groans]

She fell back asleep.

Brushing her teeth.
Standing up.

You've got to see this.

Shannon, what is going on?

I'll tell you what's going on--
she's eating up half our time.

You know what that means.

No back tickles?

Noback tickles.

Oh, Shannon,
I swear to God...

Should I wear the flannel?

I'm not so sure
about the flannel.

You're wearing
the flannel. Yes, yes.

Okay, what
about breakfast?

What about it?You told me not to leave
without eating it.

Since when do
you listen to us? Don't listen to us.

Oh, man, I got OJ on my shirt.

Orange goes with gray.Mm-hmm.

It's like tie-dye.

It brings the whole
outfit together.

The whole thing together.

[groans]

If she leaves in 30
seconds, one of us

can still have a
positive experience.

What? I'm just trying to
salvage something here.

Shannon!

All right, I am good to go.

Now I just need shoes.

Oh, now she needs shoes.
Okay, well, other people

in this house have needs, too.

Now I'm late for work!
Just... "I need shoes."

You know, there's plenty
of shoes around this house.

I've bought many shoes. There's
just pairs all in the closet.

Now you can't find a pair.
This is crazy!

That dude needs to get laid.

Hey, hey, now,
this is what I like to see.

First day of school and already
digging into the homework.

You bet I am!

See, I thought that I
wasn't gonna like school,

but it turns out
I really hate it.

What you got there?

Ooh, The Great Gatsby.

You know, I discover something
new every time I read this book.

Yeah, our homework assignment
was to read the first chapter,

and I just have, like,
one question about it.

Yeah, hit me.What exactly happens
in the first chapter?

So, Rose, you're picturing
our whole wedding on the beach?

She's not only picturing it,

she's been going
up and down Long Island

looking at sand samples.

And the best part is,

when the string quartet
starts to play,

Nick and his groomsmen

will come galloping in
on horses.

Whoa, Ma, don't you think you're
getting a little carried away?

I mean, horses?

Oh, you don't know what
"carried away" is.

My mother took over every
detail of my wedding.

I didn't have a
say in anything.

Hmm. I wonder what that's like.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
That was rude.

I've just been
a little on edge lately.

Gentlemen, would
you let us ladies

have a moment
alone, please?

Of course, sweetheart.
Come on, Nick.

Hey, Dad, uh...

you can talk her out
of the horses, right?

That's cute, son.

So, what's going on, baby?

Tell Mama Rose all about it.

Look, it's hard.

The day after
we got engaged, Shannon moved in,

and it's put a little bit
of stress on our relationship.

I get it.

Not long after Walt
and I were married,

I found the cutest
little stray cat

and brought her home.

Well, let me tell you,

that cat got a lot of "D."

You know what I mean.

I really hope I don't.

Diarrhea.

Oh, thank God.

But we got through
it, together,

and our relationship
was stronger for it.

So, what are you
trying to say?

Shannon is your
diarrhea cat.

Ah...

Look, I know having anyone
new living in your house is a challenge.

Shannon's a great kid,
but she...

Dresses like a
homeless pirate?

No. I mean, well,
yes, yes, she does, but...

It's just she...
she's always around.

I understand, son.

Figured you would, Dad.

You're not getting any.Oh!

I... don't really want
to have that conversation.

I mean, you got a
teenager living there,

and you got
some thin walls.

Please, can we stop?

I mean, it's fine
when they're babies--

they don't know what the hell's
going on in the other room.

They probably think you're
fighting a bear or something.

Please make it stop.

You know, when you were 16,
I was starring on Broadway

as the Wizard in Wicked.

Remember?

The Timescalled
my performance

"a haunting tour de force."

I don't think
they said that, Dad.

It was in the subtext.
Anyway...

your mother used to sneak
away from work at lunch

and meet me in
my dressing room.

You want to know why?No, I don't.

For a nooner.Oh! Okay.

All right, all right.

Conversation over.
The subtext is...

[shudders loudly]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[sighs]

Hey, Clem.

Am I about
to be murdered?

Nope. Just trying to keep
out the diarrhea cat.

Excuse me?We can't just let

some teenager ruin our sex life.

I say we do it right now
and just get it over with.

Get it over with?

Yep.

Just plow right through.

Okay.

I mean, it's been a while.

I was hoping for
a little more romance,

but, you know, beggars.

[knocking on door]

Do you hear that?Not if you didn't.

SHANNON:
Guys! I'm knocking like you said,

even though it's hurting
my sensy knuckles.

[Nick sighs]

May we help you?
Yep.

The school gave me this form
that needs your signature.

Don't read it, just sign,
and I'll be on my merry way.

"Disciplinary notice.

Shannon Barnes
fell asleep in history..."

You fell asleep in history?

"...English and math."

You fell asleep
in three classes?Hey.

It doesn't mention that I stayed
awake in bio.

That's the real triumph here.

Yes, congratulations
for staying awake

in one out of the five hours
that you were in class today.

Hey, that's like 50%.

No, it's not,
and you would know that

if you stayed awake in math.

Well, great day on
your first day, Shannon.

What do you have
planned for day two?

Vape in the girls' bathroom?

Trash the teachers' lounge?

Why the hell am I
giving you ideas?

It wasn't that bad.

Dude, I stayed in school
all day. I'm trying, okay?

For once in your life, would it
kill you to be on my side?

[sighs]

So... I guess we're putting away
the plow?

I can't believe she got in
trouble on the first day.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

If you want, we can fight
about the blender.

Babe, there's no fight there.

That's how you make
a mango shake.

Look, I got an idea.

Tomorrow,
while Shannon's at school,

we'll skip out of
work at lunchtime,

come home, we'll
have a nooner.

A nooner?

That's kinda hot.

It was my dad's idea.

That detail's not helping.

But I'm down.

It's just, I've been trying
to get a raise at work,

and I'd hate for my boss
to see me taking a long lunch.

Trust me, it won't take long.

Nick.

I'm just saying...

it's been a while.

Hey, John.

Here are the invitations

to the opening night
of the Rembrandt Exhibit.

Oh, wow! These look great.

Thank you, Clem.

You got it.

Oh, is it okay

if I'm a little late
coming back from lunch?

I've got a doctor's appointment.

Of course.

Nothing serious, I hope.

Nah. Just a little, um...

ear infection.

Oh! There's nothing little
about an ear infection.

My aunt was in London,
she went to cross the street,

somebody yelled,
"Look out, trolley!"

But she couldn't hear it.

And then, bam!

Killed by an ear infection.

Look, John, the truth is,
my ear's fine.

I've just got a personal thing.

You've got an interview
with another museum, don't you?

What? [laughs] No.

I...I cannot lose you, Clem.

You're the best
event planner I've got.

Who is it?
The Whitney?

The Guggenheim?

The Frick?John...

It is the Frick, isn't it?

Yes, John. It's the Frick.

You don't want to work there.

Let me call Katherine,
see if we can get you a raise.

What?
[laughs]: Wow. Thank you.

I... still think I need
to take the interview.

Ah, playing hardball.

I respect that,

but I think you're gonna be
very happy when you get back.

Oh, you can't even imagine.

[exhales]

All right,
how you feeling, boys?

You ready
for some back tickling?

Oh, dope.

Hey, baby.

Hey,
baby.

Oh!

Shannon,
what are you doing here?

It is the middle of the day.

I could ask you
the same question,

but I think it's pretty obvious
what you're doing here,

you dirty dog.

[door opens]

All right.

Who's ready
to rip and dip?

Shannon.

Shannon?

Shannon.

Sh-- [screams]

So this is why
you're so obsessed

with me going to school,
so you can come home

and smash during the day, huh?

Why aren't you in school?

I got sent to the principal's
office for no reason,

so I stood up for myself
and I got a five-day suspension.

Five days?
Yeah.

She's gonna be in this house
for five days.

You got suspended already?

What is wrong with you?

Oh, sure.
Take the school's side.

Dude, you don't even know
what happened.

Yes, that's exactly
what I'm gonna do,

because they're the school,
and you're the...

reason we're not allowed
in Walgreens anymore.

Whatevs.

Five days?

Five days,
that's 120 hou--

You know, I might as well
get a part-time job.

You know what? I could watch
every episode of Shameless,

still have time,
she'd still be here.

Come in, come in.
I'm Principal Kersey.

Have a seat.

I'd offer you coffee,
but we don't have any coffee,

because somebody forgot
to buy coffee.

Principal Kersey,
before we begin,

I'd like to apologize

for whatever my sister
said to get her suspended.

She called me an ass.

No, I didn't.

I called him a dumbass.

I'm so sorry.

And so is my sister.

Look, I know some students

may not agree
with the dress code,

but they cannot react
disrespectfully

when they're called out
for a violation.

We totally agree.

I didn't realize this was
over a dress code violation.

Oh, yes. The code clearly states
that undergarments,

such as bra straps, must not
be visible at any time.

Wait. Really?

However, since Shannon is new

and you all have come here
to apologize,

I would be willing to waive
the suspension.

That means Shannon's gonna be
in school during lunchtime.

Thank you, Principal Kersey.
It's been a pleasure.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

Um, quick question.Question? What kind of question?

I thought we were done
with the questions.

What harm does
a bra strap do?

Well, it's important that girls
not wear clothes

that distract the boys
from learning.

You understand.

Yes, we sure do
understand. See ya.

How is it a girl's problem
that a boy is distracted?

Doesn't that seem
a little sexist?

Dude, it is on.

I didn't write the
dress code, Ms. Barnes.

I just enforce it.

Let me see this.

Oh, one, two,
three pages for girls,

and only one paragraph for boys?

Why is no one worried that maybe

the girls might be distracted
by the boys?

If you saw the dudes here,
you'd understand.

Ms. Barnes, male students
are very distractible.

Yeah, well, so are girls.

We think about sex, too.

Yeah, we do. A lot.

Especially when we're not
getting any.

There's been a lot of
distractions at home.

We live in a different time,
Mr. Kersey.

I don't care what
your code says.

You can't treat boys and girls
differently anymore.

Except for ladies' night,
when we drink for free.

That's cool.

I think the way my
sister dresses is fine.

And with all the problems
you've got going on in schools,

you're gonna focus
on whether or not

someone's bra strap is showing?

That, sir, is the definition
of dumbass-ery.

I'm sure you realize
the suspension is back on.

Yes, I do.

Boom! [laughs]

Whoa. Shannon.

What I'm about to tell you
might confuse

or maybe even scare you.

But that thing
in your hand,

it's not a phone.

It's a book.

I know. Every time I swipe left,

it just takes you
to another page.

I'm proud of you, Shannon.

Really, I'm impressed.

Well, I really appreciate it
that you had my back today,

so I decided,
what the hell?

Why not give
this whole tedious,

soul-crushing
school thing a shot?

That's the spirit.

[phone chimes]

Oh, cool.
Janelle's having people over.

Tonight?

That's, uh, that-that's great,
right, Nick?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Yes. Definitely.

You should go out.

No.

I'm staying in
and reading my book.

Well, don't feel
like you have to.

I mean, y-you got five days.

Yeah, I mean, look, I mean,
you're already on page six.

Six!I mean, you are flying!

That's a lot.That's-- six!

Okay, uh...

I just realized
I'm, like, really hungry,

so I'm gonna go get a burger,
finish my book.

Thank God.

I mean, thank you.
I mean, good for you.

I'm gonna need 50 bucks.

50 dollars
for a burger?

Just give it to her.All right. Okay.

No pr-- Just take
the whole wallet.

That's fine,
don't worry about it.

Bye.

[moaning]

More wine?

Baby, what's gotten into you?

I don't know.

I was just thinking about

when I was starring in Wicked,

and you used to come visit me.

Oh, I'll never forget.

It may be
10:00 p.m. here.

Mm-hmm.

But it's noon somewhere.

Oh.

Ah, great, you guys are home.

Clem and Nick
kicked me out.

What you guys doing?

Remember that cat
we used to have?

Indeed, I do.

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