Original subtitles

- Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend... - SCOTT: What are you reading?

Is it one of your sexy vampire books?

No.

Ga-da-ba-da.

- Warming up? - Yeah.

I die over a perfectly hit seventh.

This is the first song, right?

I just missed the end of the first song?

That was the encore.

PAULA: Where are you going? Don't leave.

I'm gonna grab a drink with Hank.

Please, just stay and we'll talk this out.

Paula, I need a minute.

I need to cool off.

Shh-blam.

It's a Statue of Liberty keychain.

- 'Cause you're from New York. - I love it.

Our relationship has always been one-sided.

I give. You take.

That's not fair. That hurts me.

You've never been there for me when I need you.

I know what you want, you know.

You want me to apologize.

You know what, though?

You owe me the apology this time.

VALENCIA: I told her that your name is Madge...

and my name is Allegra.

Madge?

Tell us about the boyfriend, girlfriend.

(chuckles) Um, his name is Josh

and I feel bad for him.

He's been through some really tough times.

Had some toxic relationships.

This one girl, get this, quit her job

and then moved across the country to be with him.

Crazy, right?

I'm just a girl in love

La-la-la, lovey-dove

I can't be held responsible for my actions

She's an ingenue

I have no underlying issues to address

I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed

They say love makes you crazy

Therefore, you can't call her crazy

'Cause when you call her crazy

You're just calling her in love.

Blam!

I hate it when Dad makes lunch.

Yeah, this is just half of a salami, Scott.

Hey, we're busy around here.

I put slices of cheese in there

and some loose bread.

Get yourself a knife

and you're in the sandwich-making business, buddy.

Great, now I have to steal a quiche

from the teacher's lounge again.

You know, you should say thank you to your dad!

Seriously, thank you, honey.

I just... I couldn't do all of this without you.

Ah, it's nothing. I...

No, it's something

and it means a lot to me.

You're the best.

No, I'm not. I...

Yes, you are.

You know, I was just telling Sunil the other day

how lucky I am...

I had sex with Tanya.

(laughs)

Yeah, I had sex with Nancy...

... Kerrigan.

Oh, you're serious.

It was an accident, I swear.

We went drinking after work with some other people,

and-and I had too much,

and-and she was gonna drive me home and then

we got in her car and she was too drunk to drive,

so we decided to wait it out

- and it started raining... - Okay, that's enough.

So... (clears throat)

It sounds so romantic.

It's, like, just, like,

a-a night that you'll remember forever.

I-I-It happened one time.

I promise. It will never happen again.

It-It was a complete accident. I...

You know, I have to get ready for work.

W-Wait, l-l-let's talk about this.

No, I got to go.

Okay, well, we'll talk about it when we get home.

Home?

What home?

You don't live here anymore.

Oh, hi, sorry, I'm-I'm almost done.

No, it's okay, I'm just... making my iced mocha.

I can wait.

Ah, all yours. Done.

Thank you.

(sighs)

Who did this?!

Who put an empty

ice tray back...

twice?!

What...

man...

did this?

(ice cubes rattle)

Um...

I'm not good

at filling them back up.

It's hard, the water splooshes around

and how am I supposed to open the door

while I'm holding a shaky tray of water?

Besides, somebody else always does it.

It's me.

I am the someone else!

You know what, it's okay.

(inhales) It is okay. Don't worry about it.

I'll just fill up a tray and then wait outside

the freezer for, like, three hours for the cubes

that I need for my iced mocha, you son of a bitch!

Here, look, just take a couple.

I... don't want your...

dirty man ice!

(crying)

Somebody get a... get a mop.

No, you're right.

You're right, I just need to... take a breath.

(sniffles)

I know why you're crying.

It's because of me...

and I get it, I miss our friendship, too,

so let's stop all this foolishness

and just go back to the way things were, okay?

Now, I'm willing to overlook all of the things on your end

that you did wrong.

The apology tears in your eyes...

you don't have to say it. I'll say it.

You're sorry.

(exhales)

Didn't that feel good?

And you know what, I'm sorry, too.

- I'll say it. - Would you just shut up?!

You're just such a selfish, whiny, entitled brat.

Just stop.

You talk?

What? I-I talk all the time.

You're too busy staring

at the Narcissus pond

of your bewitching self to even notice.

Wow...

you're mean...

and poetic.

Okay.

Paula, if it's... if it's not about us,

then-then what's wrong?

Scott is...

Gay, I knew it.

I knew it. I always knew it.

I didn't say anything, that's on me.

He had sex with Tanya from work.

Why would he have sex with Tanya if he's gay?

Good God, you're really a piece of work, sister.

Oh, so this is our dynamic now?

Great.

Go I'm-I'm so sorry, Paula.

It's just... it's what my father always told me.

That if I ever tried to... make something of myself...

(choking up)... that no man would want me and so, I mean, just, like,

the minute that I try to pursue my dreams,

my husband "accidentally" falls into another woman's vagina.

Oh, God.

I mean, I threw him out,

so I'm... I-I'm by myself

and-and, you know,

Scott used to do a lot of stuff around the house.

I mean... the-the morning rush

used to be like an Olympic event

and now it's just...

it's gonna be like The Hunger Games.

It's, like, just gonna be like a...

dystopian nightmare,

just children just fighting for food,

trying to kill each other.

At least you have the weekend

to start to figure things out.

No, well, I mean, this weekend I was...

(sniffles) ... supposed to go

on a class trip to Sacramento

to tour the Supreme Court,

but, I mean, you know,

I'm definitely not going now.

Like, I just...

I mean, I can't go.

Oh, my God, I can't.

You know, I can't talk about this anymore.

I'm sorry, I just...

I'm gonna go back to work.

(exhales loudly)

So, what are we gonna do, Mrs. H?

Oh, now we're back to this?

So, what do you think?

This is, like, the new hangout

in the San Gabriel Valley.

Oh, is that where we are?

I thought this was the Inland Empire.

Common mistake, but no, it's the San Gabes Vals, babes.

I can't believe it took a month of dating

to get me to come out here and visit.

(both chuckle) It's super cute.

(sneezes)

- Are you sick? - Oh.

I hope not.

I have this big thing coming up.

There's, like, a super cool party at Spiders.

Um, they're doing a party

where they have all these advertisers and...

- A sponsored party, fun. - Yeah, like...

I'm doing a little something special.

Mm. Let's just say I'm "involved."

(chuckles)

And I was hoping you would come.

Oh, I would, but I'm working.

Um, it's The Teen Sports Awards

this weekend and so I'm gonna

have my hands full

with 13-year-old celebrity unibrows.

Aw, okay, then.

I'll miss you.

Oh, uh...

if you're coming down with something,

I probably shouldn't smooch you.

Oh, okay.

(chuckles)

Hey, Mom.

Where's my volcano?

I need a live volcano today.

I don't have time for that. Uh...

you need to ask Brendan to help you.

Oh, he left again.

I found this note taped

to the mannequin under his sheets.

"Hopped a Greyhound cross-country.

Be back when I run out of the money I took from Mom's purse."

Oh, God.

Who's gonna take you to school now?

How am I supposed to do all this?

I volunteer as tribute!

District Nine will take Tommy to the Capitol!

Honey, what are you doing?

It's The Hunger Games.

You said your life was gonna be like The Hunger Ga...

I read the first book last night just for this moment.

Um... okay, I-I'm here to help.

Yeah, I brought

myself. I brought food.

I brought toys.

Here you go, here you go, buddy.

Enjoy.

How?

Okay, Rebecca, I know that your-your heart

is in the right place, but I just I have

so much to deal with... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll say it first because I should.

I was more wrong.

I was the more

wronger one.

That's horrible grammar.

Do not emulate that grammar.

Look, you said to me at my house

that I didn't support you.

(sighs)

You were right.

Every time we talk,

I... I'm really just thinking about myself,

and thinking about the next piece of advice to ask you for

and-and I never think about you, so let me think about you now.

Okay?

I love you and I'm here to help.

Let me do something.

I'll be like Mr. Mom.

Okay? Your own personal Michael Keaton.

And then you can go on that field trip.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't do that. I mean, Tommy needs me

and, you know, so does Brendan,

theoretically, wherever he is.

Yeah, so, first of all...

(whispering)... we both know that Brendan is kind of a lost cause.

(whispering) Not in front of Tommy.

Sorry. And-and second of all,

you can't not go on a field trip, Paula.

If I had skipped Presidential Classroom

in Washington D.C., I would still be a virgin

who knew nothing about the electoral college.

You got to go.

You can't miss something like this

because someone else messed up.

Are you sure you know what you're signing up for?

Because this is just,

it is so much harder than it looks.

I mean, parenting turns you into... well, me.

Come on, Mom, let her help.

Then you can go on your weird,

grown-up field trip thingy.

Oh.

Yeah, you don't understand

what you're taking on.

Okay, look, it's gonna be the weekend,

and Tommy's not gonna be in school,

which means he will be with you the whole time.

Paula, it's okay.

I've cleared my schedule.

I've only made plans for this.

It'll all be fine.

I swear, I can do it.

(exhales)

Okay, so emergency numbers are in the..

Got it.

Ugh. It's not that big a deal.

All I got to do is keep you alive for 48 hours.

Really? That's where we're setting the bar?

(chuckles) Yeah, it is, kid, yeah it is.

Oh, wow.

You know, I got to say, I think this whole mom thing

is gonna be really easy.

Do you even have kids?

(laughing) No, no, no.

No, but I do have a lot of things that are more important

like my smarts,

my feminine intuition and this amazing podcast

called "MomTime Daily" that I started listening to

in the car on the way over here.

- (phone beeps, Rebecca sighs) -

PODCAST HOST: On today's episode, we're talking allergies.

Peanuts, dairy, eggs,

how do we let kids be kids, but still keep them safe?

Parenting ain't harrowing

Demanding or traumatic

Let's face facts, moms say that

When they're not this good at it

Step aside, ladies, give your babies

To a Carol Brady-level matriarch

The only hard part of it is

How hard I'll hit this

When I knock it out the park

- Your hands

- ALL: Raise 'em up

- Your glass

- ALL: Raise it up

- Low expectations

- ALL: Raise 'em up

- Your children, I'm gonna

- ALL: Raise 'em up

It's instinctual, I'm a natural

I'm tireless, multi-taskical

My mom game's aflame

And it'll burn eternal

Damn, I'm so maternal.

ALL: So maternal

So maternal...

So maternal

Tommy, lunch!

PODCAST HOST: You're listening to "MomTime Daily."

And we are so honored to have supermom Rebecca Bunch

here on our podcast today.

Rebecca, you are one of the most incredible moms

I have ever seen, even though you don't have any children,

and you've only been babysitting for less than an hour.

- How do you do it? - First of all,

I want to say what an honor it is

for you to have me on your podcast.

You know, I guess I just instinctively get

how to be a mom,

and that's what sets me apart from other "mothers."

(chuckles) Agreed. Other mothers are losers.

(chuckles) Yes.

Gonna keep 'em warm, gonna keep 'em safe

Gonna keep their homework free of mistakes

If the kid gets hungry, I feed his face

A real wholesome meal.

Piece of cake

Here, have a piece of cake.

- Energy. - ALL: Let's bring it up

- The volume

- ALL: DJ, bring it up

- My spotlight

- ALL: Light guy, bring it up

- Your children

- ALL: Y'oughta let me bring 'em up

It comes easily

It's effortless

Even Gwyneth said you're the best at this

In her well-respected online journal

Good God, I'm so maternal.

ALL: So maternal

So maternal

So maternal...

So maternal.

PODCAST HOST: Parenting is the most

rewarding experience in the world. (groans)

If you follow some commonsense guidelines,

you are bound to succeed.

Shut up!

- (phone beeps) -

REBECCA: Oh!

Hey, hey, hey, so, it's Saturday.

- What do you want to do? - I, uh, woke up early

to turn on the cartoons, but then you slept

for three more hours, so...

(fake chuckle)

You didn't make any plans for us?

No, you... what, what?

You don't have anything to do?

You don't have baseball, or soccer, or improv?

Like, don't you need to start padding that r?sum? for college?

College?

Who needs college when you got this pretty face?

Wow, precocious. Uh, you know what?

It's your day, so just tell me what you want to do.

- Anything? - Anything at all.

I'm Mr. Mom, which means I'm a dad,

which means fun stuff.

Great, I'd like to try smoking and beer.

Oh, and I'd like to see naked boobs.

They don't have to be yours, though.

Yeah, so none of that's legal.

Um, so why don't we

just binge-watch a TV show?

I'm thinking... (gasps) Dora the Explorer.

You really don't know how old I am, do you?

I know you're older than eight and younger than me.

Hey, tell you what?

Why don't we just go get a bunch of popcorn,

and watch whatever we want? Sounds good?

All right, vamanos, Boots.

Oh, and also, um, FYI,

boobs are really just sacks of yellow fat, so...

not worth the whole obsession.

Ew. Now,

where does your mom keep your car seat?

Why is your friend on a sign for the thing my mom calls my dad?

Oh, a douche.

Um...

Tommy, do you know what douches are?

Okay.

This is a great opportunity

for you to soak up some wisdom

from a lady who understands something called

"the patriarchy."

So, douches are a product created by a corporation

that are meant to exploit... O.M.G., it's my ex.

Okay, this is really awkward, um,

because the last time I saw him,

I peed on all of his stuff.

(laughs) Up top.

(chuckles) Thanks.

You know what?

There's Josh Chan, but who cares? No.

I feel nothing, you know?

Quick emotional scan.

Boop boop boop.

Nope, nothing.

I'm in remission.

Yeah, I'm not even gonna say hi.

Watch, I'm not gonna say hi.

Hi!

Hi, Josh.

Hi.

Hi, Rebecca. (nervous chuckle)

Uh, how have you been?

Haven't seen you since...

She peed on your stuff.

Uh... yeah... um, sorry.

Uh, this is, uh, Paula's son, Tommy.

He's my-my ward...

(British accent): ... my prot?g?, my charge for the day.

I'm babysitting.

Oh, cool.

Um, hey, Tommy, why don't you

go get yourself some candy, my man?

This a $100 bill.

Oh, sorry.

There you, should be enough.

(chuckles)

Kids. Um...

So, hey, I've been meaning to apologize to you about,

as Tommy said, the-the peeing.

Um... I have no excuse,

other than I felt primal that day,

but I hope it didn't fritz out any of the expensive equipment.

It's fine, stuff happens.

Listen, Josh, I'm glad we ran into each other, honestly,

because I hope that, after everything that has happened,

that we can still be friends.

Wow.

Yeah, like, me too.

I thought you would still be mad

- because of the way we broke up. - No.

I made mistakes, you made mistakes,

you made some other more mistakes.

It-it... we're human.

(chuckles) I'm so glad to hear that.

Yeah!

Yeah, and, oh, I, uh, saw that you-you have a new lady in your life.

Is her name, uh, Hannah?

- Anna. - Anna!

Oh, right. And I saw you post about it online.

And not all the posts, a normal amount of posts.

Let's say three.

I saw three posts.

Uh, anyway, she's... whoo!

She's breathtaking, Josh.

So, uh,

(gruff voice) ... good job, sir.

(gruff voice) Oh, thank you. (chuckles)

(normal voice) Yeah, wow, I mean,

I'm relieved we can just be normal about this.

Why would I be weird about it?

Yeah, right? Exactly.

Well, uh...

good to see you.

Yeah, for me too, for me to see you good. Yeah.

Uh, hey, come here.

Oh, uh-uh, I'm-I'm actually a little sick.

Uh, that's what these tissues are for.

Like, I got a little case of the sniffles.

Oh, c-come on.

I don't care, friends share their airborne pathogens.

(both chuckle)

(exhales) You know, Tommy,

you are one lucky little dude to have Rebecca as a babysitter.

Yeah, she's not bad.

Oh, she's more than not bad,

she's Rebecca Bunch, she's the greatest.

(chuckles) "The greatest," that's so nice of you.

That's nice Isn't that nice?

Being hyperbolic, with the...

Yes, just a quart of chicken soup.

And, sorry, just to be clear,

you do not have matzo balls, correct?

No, it's okay, I've just... (scoffs)

... never heard of chicken soup without them, but okay.

Yes, so send to Josh Chan at Aloha Tech.

All right, now, for the note, grab a pen. All right.

Hey, Tommy, what do you think the note should say?

I want it to convey "I still really care about you,

"but not in a needy way.

Just like in a friend way, 'cause I'm nurturing."

Okay, I'll handle it, never mind.

Hi, yes.

Ready for the note? Great.

(clears throat)

"Dear Josh Chan... "

Actually, you know what? Don't say "Chan," just "Josh."

No, don't write "Just Josh." Just...

No, no, write just "Josh," don't write the word "Just."

Okay, never mind, let's start over.

You ready? Okay.

"Dear Josh...

(sighs)

... enclosed in this humble plastic container,

you will find an invitation to a healing slumber.

To sleep...

perchance to dream.

Always, in friendship,

Rebecca N. Bunch."

Okay, read it back to me.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Okay, take out the "Always."

Great note, Dave, do that, yeah.

Also take out the "N."

Too formal, I agree.

Okay. Thanks.

(sighs deeply)

(zipper pulls) Just to let you know, I would do that

for any sick friend.

Not doing it just 'cause it's Josh.

He did look really sick, though.

Do you think Anna's taking care of him?

I mean, 'cause here's this guy, green to the gills,

getting his own tissues.

Why? 'Cause she's busy with eyebrows?

(chuckles) Clearly, there's an "I" in eyebrows.

You know what I'm saying?

Feel free to weigh in, Tommy-o!

Tommy boy!

Oh, my God, can you just stop talking?

I'm trying to look at boobs.

(gasps softly)

Thomas No-Idea-What- Your-Middle-Name-Is Proctor.

Is this an adult-themed publication?

You gave me five months' allowance and no guidelines.

(clicks tongue) Okay.

So, Tommy, you're not in trouble.

But I think it's important that you know

that pornography does not accurately reflect

adult sexual behavior.

Do you, like, always make these big speeches?

Yes, I do.

(under his breath): Ah, man. So let's put it this way.

Pornography is to sex,

as superhero movies are to seventh grade.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Yeah, you're saying that seventh grade

is going to be awesome.

(quietly): No.

(sniffling)

Hey, delivery for you.

Chicken soup.

Oh, that is so nice of you.

Thank you, Alex.

(chuckles) It's not from me.

There's something on the bottom, it's all wet.

- Is that a note? - No, it can't be a note. Ooh.

Who put this crazy-long of a note in a soup delivery?

(chuckles)

Must be a shopping list or something.

I guess you have a

anonymous soup fairy.

No, I know who it is.

My girlfriend Anna.

Oh, she's the best.

This is exactly what I love about her.

I mean, who else would take the time out of their day

to take care of me?

I got to get a selfie with this soup and tag her.

Can you take it?

I mean, I can, but then it's a not selfie.

It's a picture with myselfie.

So, it's a selfie.

How do you not see that?

Got me there, bro.

- Chicken soup! - (camera snaps)

So you're on Instagram?

But I thought you had to be at least 13?

(laughing)

Okay, well, I hope your account is private.

Why? I've made a lot of friends.

Men who like bird-watching,

men who fly drones,

men who build basements.

Okay, Tommy, let's, um...

let's have a talk.

- (groans) - It's another little lecture.

So, you need to understand how preteen boys

are viewed by...

some men with, let's say, personal issues.

Now, it's not just men.

Female phys ed teachers can also be a problem, but you...

- (phone chimes) - ... have to be vigilant.

Oh, my God!

- (gasping) - What's wrong?

Josh posted a selfie of himself with the soup.

That's not a selfie.

Someone else took that photo.

Okay, whatevs.

(shrieking) No!

(gasping)

Sorry.

He said, "thank you @annathebrowbarian

the best, sweetest girlfriend ever, for my soup!"

That... He thinks Anna gave him the soup.

Well, I can't have that happen.

I got to find him and tell him.

I mean, I mean,

I can't let Anna take credit

for my nurturing instincts.

Nope, I got to find him. Let's see.

Okay, okay, his Instagram says

right now, he's at Spider's.

That's a nightclub downtown with confusing punctuation.

You know what?

I have an idea.

You go to the club,

leave me with some more of those hundos,

and, uh, I'll stay home,

order myself some sushi,

study my magazines and...

No, no, no, no, no, you don't. Okay, not falling for that.

Okay, hey.

I made a promise to your mom

that I would take care of you

and I take that responsibility very seriously,

so I'm not leaving you home alone.

Now, come on, let's go get you a fake I.D.

so we can go clubbing.

-

- (indistinct chatter, whooping)

When did Heather get famous?

Uh, what is this?

I asked for a whiskey on the rocks.

All they have are branded cocktails.

Enjoy your soju peachtini. Soju?

- What is that? - Dude,

it's the most popular alcoholic beverage in Korea.

Get woke.

Okay, that is not the proper usage of "woke."

Whatever, white man.

Hey, what's the big surprise?

Yeah, bro, you look nervous.

Let's just say tonight could change everything for me.

Could be a real

career move.

What's he talking about?

I have no idea.

Hmm, this is actually not bad.

Yeah, I love it.

I'm gonna bring a bottle home for my mom.

Mmm...

All right, so your name's Manuel and you're 27?

Eh, whatever.

Go on in.

I don't care about this job anyway,

I'm want to be a stunt man.

Sorry about that.

Soju?

Excuse me?

Soju?

So Jew?

Okay.

Sieg Heil, bitch!

All right, Tommy,

here's what's gonna happen:

we're gonna go in, find Josh,

tell him about the soup, then leave.

Oh, look, the sign's grammatically correct.

Spiders'.

No, actually, Mr. Spiders went into business

with his brother, Dr. Spiders.

So, it's actually Spiderseses.

Actually, that's a common misconception

about how plural possessive works,

but nice try, Himmler.

Okay, let's go. Come on.

Peek-a-boo!

What are you doing here?

I got done early and you said

you were doing something special,

so, here I am.

Oh, my God, you're the best.

- It means so much that you're here. - Mmm.

Oh, oh, hey, fellas.

Oh, hey Rebecca and

child who doesn't belong in a place like this.

He's fine.

We're just running an errand.

I'm looking for, uh... For Josh.

H-Have you seen him?

Uh, yeah, I just saw him with his girlfriend.

Thank you.

(groans) I'm so stupid,

I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid, okay.

Listen, she can't know that I'm here.

Why not?

Okay, I accidentally almost killed her cat

and she thinks my name is Madge and that I live in Silver Lake.

So you lied to her?

I didn't lie.

You got to assess the context and the role of the speaker...

- We should go. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, here comes the Soup-Stealer, duck!

-

- (man whooping)

Oh, Tommy, that was close.

Tommy?

Tommy, can you hear me?

Tommy, can you see me?

Tommy?

Sorry, so I'm not a doctor, so I cannot

diagnose your...

situation, but thank you for all of your detail.

I thought you were Miss Douche.

Like, that's supposed to mean something.

Maybe stop douching?

That's probably the cause of

what's going on with you down there.

Whatever, I'll just take another free douche, then.

Seri... Okay.

Don't douche and drive.

Oh, oh, oh, Heather!

Heather! Oh, okay.

Okay, okay. Lost child.

(breathing heavily): Crowd. His I.D. says Manuel.

Okay, calm down.

What's happening?

Why are you wearing those ironic mom half sneakers?

They're not ironic and I really need your help right now.

Okay, I lost Paula's son in this club.

Okay, just take a deep breath.

We will find him.

This place is not that big.

It's just dark and full of creepy adults.

- Crap, let's move. - Okay. Oh, let me see if he called me.

Ah, nothing!

But, but...

Oh, he did post on Instagram.

Thank God Paula doesn't know he has an account.

- Bathroom! He's in the bathroom. - Bathroom!

Bathroom. Bathroom.

(breathing heavily): Tommy? Tommy?

Tommy?

Where'd he go?

I mean, he was here two minutes ago.

Well, great.

Great. Paula and I are done.

Yeah, 'cause I was making it up to her,

but then I ruined it.

- So, she'll never forgive me. - Totally.

I think you meant to say you're upset a kid is missing.

JOSH: Anna, what are we doing?

- Oh, my... - ANNA: Shh, follow me.

Come here, come here, come here.

What are you doing? We got to find Tommy.

Just hide, I think he's coming. Okay.

I-I don't think we should be in the ladies' room.

Hide your feet, hide your feet.

ANNA: It's a unisex bathroom. They're practically

begging for us to do it in here.

Whoa.

Cool.

(belt jingling)

(zipper opening)

No. (Anna moaning)

No, no, no.

- This isn't happening. - (Josh laughing)

(sighing) How many times

must I sit in the bathroom

listening to Josh Chan have sex with another woman?

(Josh breathing heavily)

(Anna gasping)

(moaning)

(whispering) Oh, he's nasty.

I totally get it now, girl.

- Good for you. - (moaning continues)

Okay, they're gone. Let's go, let's go, let's go!

We got to find Tommy, he hasn't responded to any of my texts

or my Instagram messages. I don't know what's wrong.

We heard there was sex going on in the bathroom.

I was gonna come in and stop it,

but now that I see it's you guys, carry on.

- I'll just sit here and watch. - Yeah,

our love is not for your gaze.

All right, come on,

let's split up and look for him.

What she said.

You know, this place is not that bad

for a club in the suburbs.

- For starters, the parking lot is huge. - Hmm.

So, Anna, do you know what Josh's big surprise is?

No.

He thinks he can beatbox.

I really hope it's not that.

Well, maybe he's a... party promoter now

Oh, he did say he thought this was gonna be a big career move.

ANNOUNCER: Time for the main event.

Brought to you by West Covina's

premium men's fashion destination... that's right,

Brody and Bodine!

- Give it up! - All right.

- (man whooping) - ANNOUNCER: Our sexy

male models tonight were scouted from local businesses.

Oh, no.

No, no.

(chuckles)

- No... - Uh, Anna,

could you go get us drinks at the bar?

Uh, with your back turned?

- For the rest of the night. - Away from us.

Yeah, or go outside and, uh, That's actually...

- Check out that cool parking lot. - Yep.

(laughing): What? And miss the mall models?

Are you kidding?

This is gonna be hilarious.

I mean, this is gonna be the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

(scattered applause, whistling)

ANNA: Oh, my God, look at that guy.

He's so shiny.

Where is Josh? He's missing this.

- Yes, he is missing it. - (chuckling anxiously) He sure is.

ANNA: Wow.

Oh, this is good.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

ANNA: An adult man with a tiger tee?

Love it.

(chuckling)

This seriously can't get any worse.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yep, yep,

yep, yep.

(whistling)

(crowd gasping)

Oh, my...

(Velcro ripping)

Oh, God, I've left my body.

I'm floating over this room right now, looking down.

Okay, okay, so, that's over now.

It's done. It happened.

Oh, good, he's coming back.

Oh, here he comes.

This is good, 'cause we can get a better look.

At my boy, looking fresh.

Looking good, dude!

- (White Josh growling) - HECTOR: You go, boo.

Yep.

- Yep, yep, yep. - So sexy.

- Mm. - Mm.

(breathing heavily) Did you find him?

No. He's not in this club.

I looked everywhere.

Oh, this is such a Rebecca Bunch move!

Because all I had to do was keep him alive

for 48 hours and instead, no, no.

I lost him and I'm putting him in danger,

'cause I-I'm selfish and I'm stupid!

I'm stupid, I'm stupid! (exhales forcefully)

Oh, if you're waiting for me to disagree with you,

that's not gonna happen.

Excuse me, sorry, guys. Hey!

There you are. So...

How does it feel to be sleeping with a model?

Boom.

(chuckles)

Yeah,

uh, you know what?

I'm not feeling very well.

I think I'm coming down with that cold.

Uh,

don't worry. Uh,

it's just a couple days of post-nasal drip

and a light cough.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna need some time to...

recover.

Oh, great, okay.

You go home and, um, I'll come over later

and bring you some cough drops.

Maybe we can take a hot bath together.

Um, you know what,

Josh, here's the thing.

I really was into you.

I know. I remember the bathroom.

Unisexy.

But now, my feelings changed.

Since 30 minutes ago?

I'm... I'm sorry.

It's a thing that happens.

Sometimes you really like someone

and then, a switch gets flipped

and then suddenly, you kind of feel like

you want to barf. (giggles)

I'm so sorry.

When did this happen?

It might be when the sleeves zipped off.

I'm not sure. Oh, God, I feel really bad.

So, okay, what are you saying?

I'm saying...

we're over.

Over? But we're a couple.

Y-You just sent me chicken soup.

That...

That big tub of chicken soup you sent me?

W-What? No. That wasn't... that wasn't me.

I didn't do that.

Well, um... you take care, Josh.

It's been fun.

How did I get here?

Eh...

Wait, she didn't send me that soup.

So, someone else sent me that soup.

But I don't know who sent me that soup.

How will I find out who sent me that soup?

I was so wrong about Anna.

- I thought she was a nice person. - Mm.

She's not. She's a poo person.

Wow, Josh.

Watch your mouth. Okay, bud?

- I'm so embarrassed. - Ah, come on.

It's not your fault.

Was something wrong with my modeling?

Your male modeling? No. Nope.

Very good.

The soup was the thing that made me feel

like she was right for me, you know?

That's what I want in a person.

Someone who's warm and nourishing.

Okay, talked to Dave at the diner.

I thought he wouldn't remember one soup order,

but apparently the person who called it in

made quite an impression.

Quoted Shakespeare and stuff.

Ah. So. I guess we know who that is.

- Rebecca. - Shakespeare.

Rebecca.

That makes perfect sense.

It's her.

Wai... She knew I was sick.

And she hugged me even though I was contagious.

Oh, my God.

She's amazing.

- Well... uh... - Eh...

She has her issues.

I mean, Rebecca. Of course.

It's always Rebecca, isn't it?

Wherever I turn, everything points back to her.

Duh, duh, duh, duh

What was I thinkin'

It's just, like, duh, duh, duh, duh

Can't believe that I couldn't see it all along

Can't believe that I could have been so wrong

Don't know what was going through my mind

I'm just, like

Ugh, God, so stupid

Looking back on all those times

Like that one time

And that other time

And I'm just, like

Duh, duh, duh, duh

Duh

So obvious

It's like, uh, hello?

She was always right there for me

But I was too blind to see

Duh, duh, duh, duh

Duh

All I know is I got to do something now

Either do or say

Is it like a do

or is it like a say?

I got to make a move

Just as soon as I think of

Exactly what I got to do

Wait.

I got to go get her.

I got to get her, like, right this second.

I'm coming for you, baby!

Wait. I don't have my keys.

I left my keys and phone at the club?

Duh, duh, duh, duh.

Okay, Paula. So I full-on lost your son,

but I promise I will find him...

Paula!

You're...

You're home!

Hey. I thought you weren't

supposed to be back until tomorrow.

Well, I wasn't...

- but then... - (gasps) Tommy!

(panting)

Wow. You two really bonded.

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

Over all that volcano stuff.

Uh...

Yeah, volcano. Yup.

- Volcano. - Yeah. And I already told my mom

about that bully that destroyed our volcano.

- You know. The one that we made. - REBECCA: Right.

- R... Yes. Right. And... - And then he sat on it,

and it just exploded right up his butt.

Okay.

The kid is fine.

The lava was just made of chewable mints and soda pop.

So, no harm done. But I was just at that child's house

talking to his parents very firmly, and saying

that any further bullying would result in legal action.

(sniffles)

And then I TP'd his house.

That is...

... exactly

what I would have done.

(laughing): That is the truth.

The truth. It's all about context, right?

Exactly.

Hey, so...

Paula, why did you come home? Is everything okay?

Oh, I just... I felt bad being away right now.

I missed Tommy and...

I just started feeling kind of sad.

Well...

I'm here, so...

we can just be sad together.

Wow, you are a true friend.

You have been so great.

I am so sorry that I ever doubted you.

I trust you more than anyone in the world.

Rebecca, what's wrong?

- Nothing... - (knocking on door)

Who could that be?

It's late.

(exhales)

Josh? What are you doing here?

I had to come as soon as I knew.

Rebecca, it's you.

It's you, you're my Soup Fairy.

Oh, my God. You found out?

Yes.

I know the truth now.

That soup shows that you're the one who really cares about me.

Well, I... I know how sad you get when you're sickie.

Okay, uh... Okay.

I... I'm gonna give you guys a second. So...

(exhales) Rebecca?

I'm an idiot.

I realize now that all this time,

it's been you.

You've always been there for me.

But...

but what about your girlfriend?

We're over. She's a poo person.

Oh, my God. I thought so too but I didn't want to say anything.

(chuckles)

Hey,

do you want to go somewhere and talk?

Just me and you?

See where we can go from here.

I, um... I don't know if I can just leave...

PAULA: Hey.

You know what? I just...

I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm... But I...

And I wasn't listening. At all.

I... I just... I just want to say

that I mean, you... you can go.

I am... I am fine.

I promise.

It's just... This is a...

It's a big moment. So...

(quietly) Ah, okay...

(exhales)

Josh, um...

This is...

- ... this is amazing. (laughing) - Yeah!

And, um...

And you need to go.

What?

What?

I have to take care of my family.

I'm a mom now and I have other priorities.

Okay.

I-I guess I'll go.

Hmm.

Oh. But I'm not gonna give up on you, Rebecca.

And I'm not gonna give up on us.

But I am gonna get my car out of that parking lot

because it closes at midnight.

- Hi, Paula. - Hey...

What just happened?

Paula.

I got to tell you the truth.

None of what Tommy or I said earlier happened.

It was all a lie, okay?

What actually happened tonight was...

I went to Spiders' to find Josh to tell him that I'm the one

who I gave him soup and I got Tommy a fake I.D.

and then I lost him in the club, I mean, I really lost him,

Paula. I thought he was dead.

So...

I put your son at risk.

I put our family at risk and...

I completely understand

if you don't want to be friends with me anymore.

(drums table)

I've held onto this every day,

since you gave it to me.

And I look at it a lot, especially in the last few weeks

when things weren't so good between us, but I-I...

I don't deserve the Statue of Liberty.

Did anything happen to him in the club?

Did anyone interfere with him in the bathroom?

- Did he do any drugs? - No.

So he just ran around a club and took an Uber home?

(laughing) Oh, God.

Honey, I lost him for an entire weekend at the mall once.

He was living in the Barnes & Noble. He was so happy there.

Lord!

I just... I have made a million mistakes with my kids.

I mean, he's fine. Clearly.

Wait... Wait, this is okay... Are you sure?

Rebecca...

you were here for me when I needed you.

And right now, you could have sailed

right out that door with Josh, but you didn't.

Instead you decided to stay

and own up to your mistakes.

That is my brave little cookie.

I love you.

I love you, too.

(chuckles)

- A weekend in Barnes & Noble? - Yeah.

Just to clarify, you've never given birth.

Oh, no, no, no. Would not be a good idea.

Um, mental illness runs rampant on both sides of my family.

- Many suicides, many suicides. - Amazing!

All right. Let's take a quick break

to hear a word from our podcast sponsor,

Truly Butter.

"When you're trying to make things right

with your best friend Paula,

who you've been kind of a bitch to lately,

why not take a break and eat some butter together?"

Wow, that is weirdly specific to my own life.

It sure is, Rebecca. It sure is.

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