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1
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Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
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00:00:04,453 --> 00:00:07,242
Neither man is actually
offering you a relationship.
3
00:00:07,267 --> 00:00:08,694
Is it neither or kind of both?
4
00:00:08,719 --> 00:00:09,834
GREG: You sold our house?
5
00:00:09,836 --> 00:00:10,773
I'm giving you half the money.
6
00:00:10,798 --> 00:00:13,750
So you can go to school.
Y-Your dream school, Emory.
7
00:00:13,789 --> 00:00:16,072
I can't just pick up and
move across the country
8
00:00:16,074 --> 00:00:17,624
out of nowhere, I'm not crazy.
9
00:00:17,626 --> 00:00:18,675
This is just a fight, this is a fight.
10
00:00:18,677 --> 00:00:19,843
All couples fight. No,
11
00:00:19,845 --> 00:00:21,461
we're not a couple, Rebecca.
12
00:00:21,463 --> 00:00:22,629
REBECCA: And it's about me and Greg.
13
00:00:22,631 --> 00:00:23,880
I mean, him and me getting together,
14
00:00:23,882 --> 00:00:25,866
it's the most obvious
thing in the world.
15
00:00:25,891 --> 00:00:27,382
What?
16
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,279
Wait, wait, wait!
17
00:00:29,304 --> 00:00:32,138
Wait! What happened?
Where are you going?
18
00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:34,107
I am applying to law school!
19
00:00:34,109 --> 00:00:35,525
I don't want to know.
20
00:00:35,527 --> 00:00:37,527
DARRYL: You start this semester.
21
00:00:37,529 --> 00:00:38,695
Nothing can stop you, Paula.
22
00:00:38,697 --> 00:00:40,113
Not anymore.
23
00:00:40,115 --> 00:00:41,948
I was gonna spread my wings and fly.
24
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,625
I'm so stupid.
25
00:00:45,070 --> 00:00:46,093
Greg, wait, wait!
26
00:00:46,118 --> 00:00:47,821
Wait!
27
00:00:47,823 --> 00:00:49,873
What happened? Where are you going?
28
00:00:50,990 --> 00:00:52,413
To Emory.
29
00:00:52,703 --> 00:00:54,044
- Finally.
- What?
30
00:00:54,046 --> 00:00:56,648
But Greg... Greg, you and
I were gonna start over.
31
00:00:57,749 --> 00:00:59,499
Me seeing you on that bridge,
32
00:00:59,501 --> 00:01:00,828
that was a sign.
33
00:01:00,969 --> 00:01:02,445
That we should be together.
34
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,874
I want to believe that.
35
00:01:05,340 --> 00:01:06,723
I do.
36
00:01:06,725 --> 00:01:08,592
But that's not how life works.
37
00:01:08,594 --> 00:01:09,593
Rebecca,
38
00:01:10,078 --> 00:01:11,905
there are no signs.
39
00:01:11,930 --> 00:01:13,930
Life doesn't happen to you.
40
00:01:14,158 --> 00:01:16,179
You make decisions.
41
00:01:16,485 --> 00:01:19,890
And right now, I'm deciding
to move forward with my life.
42
00:01:23,408 --> 00:01:26,693
But you can't deny... our
feelings for each other.
43
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:30,015
You and I... have had some
great moments together.
44
00:01:30,782 --> 00:01:32,532
Some of the best of my life.
45
00:01:33,801 --> 00:01:35,717
But in between that,
46
00:01:35,954 --> 00:01:38,255
it got confusing and hard,
47
00:01:38,257 --> 00:01:40,340
and bad for both of us.
48
00:01:40,835 --> 00:01:43,289
So you were just gonna leave
without saying goodbye to me?
49
00:01:43,314 --> 00:01:44,523
I couldn't say goodbye.
50
00:01:45,797 --> 00:01:47,445
If I did, I would never leave.
51
00:01:47,544 --> 00:01:49,878
So that means you love me.
52
00:01:50,909 --> 00:01:52,625
Of course I love you.
53
00:01:54,022 --> 00:01:57,440
I love you, yes
54
00:01:57,442 --> 00:01:59,726
And I'll confess
55
00:01:59,728 --> 00:02:04,364
The thought of
staying is so enticing
56
00:02:04,366 --> 00:02:05,282
Then stay.
57
00:02:05,284 --> 00:02:07,901
And when you speak
58
00:02:07,903 --> 00:02:10,954
My knees get weak
59
00:02:10,956 --> 00:02:15,992
I can't believe
what I'm sacrificing
60
00:02:16,693 --> 00:02:18,860
But let's get real
61
00:02:19,362 --> 00:02:22,697
We know the deal
62
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,017
So darling
63
00:02:25,137 --> 00:02:27,420
Let's not tip-toe
64
00:02:27,422 --> 00:02:30,423
This thing we had
65
00:02:30,425 --> 00:02:33,093
Was not just bad
66
00:02:33,095 --> 00:02:36,096
It was a (bleep) show
67
00:02:36,098 --> 00:02:38,264
Greg, come on, it wasn't exactly...
68
00:02:38,438 --> 00:02:40,021
Shh, let me finish.
69
00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:43,486
We can't undo
70
00:02:43,488 --> 00:02:46,406
Can't make amends
71
00:02:46,408 --> 00:02:52,112
Dysfunction is our lingua franca
72
00:02:52,114 --> 00:02:54,531
We can't unscrew
73
00:02:54,533 --> 00:02:57,701
Each other's friends
74
00:02:57,703 --> 00:03:00,120
We're Jerry Springer
75
00:03:00,122 --> 00:03:02,255
Not Casablanca
76
00:03:02,257 --> 00:03:05,959
There's hard to get
77
00:03:05,961 --> 00:03:08,294
Then there's neglect
78
00:03:08,296 --> 00:03:10,797
To say it's fate
79
00:03:10,799 --> 00:03:13,800
You'd have to be a bit slow
80
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:17,303
Not to be crass
81
00:03:17,305 --> 00:03:19,806
But this sucked ass
82
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:23,860
This was a (bleep) show
83
00:03:23,862 --> 00:03:26,112
Chernobyl next to us
84
00:03:26,114 --> 00:03:27,731
Looks like a campfire
85
00:03:27,733 --> 00:03:29,482
Okay, I-I get it. I get it.
86
00:03:29,484 --> 00:03:31,568
Hurricane Katrina
87
00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:34,821
Was just bad weather
88
00:03:34,823 --> 00:03:37,490
We have chemistry of course
89
00:03:37,492 --> 00:03:40,710
But that's a formula for divorce
90
00:03:40,712 --> 00:03:43,296
A play about pieces of feces
91
00:03:43,298 --> 00:03:48,585
Is what we are together
92
00:03:48,587 --> 00:03:50,303
But Greg...
93
00:03:50,305 --> 00:03:53,006
Oh, what the hell
94
00:03:53,008 --> 00:03:54,891
Let's get a hotel
95
00:03:54,893 --> 00:03:57,477
'Cause life is short
96
00:03:57,479 --> 00:04:01,347
And we're not
getting any younger
97
00:04:01,349 --> 00:04:03,850
But after sex
98
00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:07,237
What happens next
99
00:04:07,239 --> 00:04:09,489
I mean in the long run
100
00:04:09,491 --> 00:04:12,525
Not just fatigue and hunger
101
00:04:12,527 --> 00:04:15,361
And when you say
102
00:04:15,363 --> 00:04:18,531
That I should stay
103
00:04:18,533 --> 00:04:23,420
That's exactly
when I should split
104
00:04:23,422 --> 00:04:26,401
Though I won't forget
105
00:04:26,925 --> 00:04:30,683
I won't regret
106
00:04:31,630 --> 00:04:34,514
This beautiful, heart stopping
107
00:04:34,516 --> 00:04:38,237
Breathtaking, life-changing.
108
00:04:40,639 --> 00:04:44,474
(instrumental music continues)
109
00:05:08,104 --> 00:05:10,659
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
110
00:05:11,187 --> 00:05:13,270
(sniffles)
111
00:05:15,719 --> 00:05:17,853
PAULA: Here's some tea, doll.
112
00:05:19,514 --> 00:05:21,397
What's wrong with me?
113
00:05:22,884 --> 00:05:25,101
Why doesn't anyone want me?
114
00:05:26,485 --> 00:05:28,518
Josh dumped me and then...
115
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,520
and then Greg abandoned me.
116
00:05:30,522 --> 00:05:32,772
Okay, that is not the situation...
117
00:05:32,774 --> 00:05:33,722
Yes, it is!
118
00:05:33,770 --> 00:05:36,654
He left and he called
our relationship feces.
119
00:05:36,828 --> 00:05:38,244
Okay, well maybe he didn't,
120
00:05:38,246 --> 00:05:39,996
you know, use the best words,
121
00:05:39,998 --> 00:05:41,614
but I mean, that's why
he's going back to school.
122
00:05:42,082 --> 00:05:43,116
And,
123
00:05:43,118 --> 00:05:45,702
I'm sorry, but you guys
are not good for each other.
124
00:05:45,704 --> 00:05:47,347
He needed to move on and...
125
00:05:47,539 --> 00:05:49,839
good for him for taking that step.
126
00:05:49,841 --> 00:05:50,972
(sniffles)
127
00:05:51,209 --> 00:05:52,519
I hope he dies.
128
00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:56,012
If he ever comes back, I'm
just gonna be like, "Die!"
129
00:05:56,014 --> 00:05:58,298
Okay, let it... let it go.
130
00:05:58,300 --> 00:05:59,465
Let Greg go.
131
00:05:59,467 --> 00:06:01,551
Just let both of them go.
132
00:06:02,597 --> 00:06:05,269
I don't know who I am without them.
133
00:06:05,690 --> 00:06:07,106
I know that's pathetic.
134
00:06:07,108 --> 00:06:09,442
I know it's pathetic, but it's true.
135
00:06:10,261 --> 00:06:12,445
Who am I supposed to be now?
136
00:06:12,447 --> 00:06:15,231
Honey, be yourself.
137
00:06:15,233 --> 00:06:16,699
What?!
138
00:06:16,701 --> 00:06:18,034
Who? No!
139
00:06:18,036 --> 00:06:19,235
Ew.
140
00:06:19,237 --> 00:06:21,070
Ugh. Who wants to be that?
141
00:06:22,105 --> 00:06:23,823
Paula, you just don't understand.
142
00:06:23,825 --> 00:06:25,742
You don't know what it's
like to be at a crossroads,
143
00:06:25,744 --> 00:06:28,605
and not know what to do next.
144
00:06:30,145 --> 00:06:31,808
You're right, honey.
145
00:06:33,168 --> 00:06:34,751
I don't.
146
00:06:39,307 --> 00:06:40,723
ANNOUNCER (on TV): ... with it now
147
00:06:40,725 --> 00:06:42,759
across the center-line as
the defense settles in...
148
00:06:42,761 --> 00:06:46,262
Turn the TV down! I can't think!
149
00:06:47,766 --> 00:06:49,349
Mom, I'm starving.
150
00:06:49,351 --> 00:06:51,100
- (refrigerator opens)
- We just had dinner.
151
00:06:51,102 --> 00:06:52,101
Babe, do we have stamps?
152
00:06:52,371 --> 00:06:54,604
I don't know, did you buy them?
153
00:06:54,606 --> 00:06:56,189
(refrigerator closes)
154
00:06:58,743 --> 00:06:59,943
Mmm.
155
00:07:01,363 --> 00:07:03,029
Ma, don't wake me up in the morning.
156
00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:04,864
I can sleep in. I got suspended.
157
00:07:04,866 --> 00:07:06,032
Not my fault.
158
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:07,083
I was playing with my lighter
159
00:07:07,085 --> 00:07:08,701
and some kid got his book in my fire.
160
00:07:10,738 --> 00:07:13,433
Brendan, I am so disappointed in you.
161
00:07:14,793 --> 00:07:16,342
Put that on some bread.
162
00:07:16,344 --> 00:07:17,594
(sighs)
163
00:07:20,892 --> 00:07:25,061
He gets suspended and you yell
at him for eating naked cheese?
164
00:07:27,136 --> 00:07:28,771
You're in that mood, huh?
165
00:07:28,773 --> 00:07:30,640
You-you want a chardonnay?
166
00:07:30,642 --> 00:07:32,609
- You know I can't.
- Oh, it won't hurt.
167
00:07:32,611 --> 00:07:34,560
You're only a little bit pregnant.
168
00:07:34,562 --> 00:07:37,543
Oh, right, 'cause we only had
a little bit of intercourse.
169
00:07:38,168 --> 00:07:41,150
You, uh, sure you want another baby?
170
00:07:41,426 --> 00:07:42,952
There are options, you know.
171
00:07:42,954 --> 00:07:45,204
We just won't mention it to Father Brah
172
00:07:45,206 --> 00:07:46,205
and he won't tell God.
173
00:07:46,207 --> 00:07:48,207
Scott, I am a married mother of two.
174
00:07:48,209 --> 00:07:49,742
Okay, those options are for teenagers
175
00:07:49,744 --> 00:07:51,605
the month after winter formal.
176
00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:54,047
You know who I think you
should talk to? Rebecca.
177
00:07:54,049 --> 00:07:55,164
She's young.
178
00:07:55,166 --> 00:07:56,733
I bet she's had tons of options.
179
00:07:56,735 --> 00:07:59,058
(scoffs) Rebecca is the
last person I want to tell.
180
00:07:59,638 --> 00:08:01,587
Well, when I let her know that
I'm not going to law school
181
00:08:01,589 --> 00:08:03,777
because I'm having this
baby, I mean, she's...
182
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,801
She's not gonna understand.
183
00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:07,201
She is your best friend.
184
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,527
Well, I don't want to burden her.
185
00:08:09,683 --> 00:08:12,933
I mean, she's recovering from
not one, but two breakups.
186
00:08:12,958 --> 00:08:14,136
So...
187
00:08:15,351 --> 00:08:16,934
(scrubbing)
188
00:08:16,959 --> 00:08:17,991
Okay.
189
00:08:18,504 --> 00:08:19,739
I'm gonna move on.
190
00:08:19,741 --> 00:08:21,691
Yeah. I'm gonna move
on, just like Paula said.
191
00:08:21,693 --> 00:08:24,777
I'm gonna figure out who I am
192
00:08:24,779 --> 00:08:27,472
and scrub these men out of my life.
193
00:08:27,906 --> 00:08:29,690
Are you sure you want do that?
194
00:08:29,951 --> 00:08:31,284
Greg?
195
00:08:31,286 --> 00:08:32,785
Greg, I knew you wouldn't leave me.
196
00:08:32,787 --> 00:08:34,003
I knew you'd come back!
197
00:08:34,005 --> 00:08:35,004
Of course I did.
198
00:08:35,006 --> 00:08:36,339
I could never leave you.
199
00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:37,290
And I'm here, too.
200
00:08:38,191 --> 00:08:39,125
What?
201
00:08:39,104 --> 00:08:40,937
BOTH: We will never leave you, Rebecca.
202
00:08:40,962 --> 00:08:42,512
Never.
203
00:08:42,514 --> 00:08:44,180
Great.
204
00:08:44,182 --> 00:08:47,394
Ghosts. (sighs)
205
00:08:53,645 --> 00:08:56,932
No, no, I know what you guys
are. You're dream ghosts.
206
00:08:56,957 --> 00:08:58,072
What? No.
207
00:08:58,074 --> 00:09:00,658
- Dream ghosts are lame.
- So lame.
208
00:09:00,660 --> 00:09:02,126
We're memory spirits.
209
00:09:02,128 --> 00:09:03,661
- Coined it!
- Oh, nice, dude.
210
00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:05,964
I pitched ex-ray visions,
211
00:09:05,966 --> 00:09:07,832
but we're not named Ray, so...
212
00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:08,750
(Greg sighs)
213
00:09:08,752 --> 00:09:10,001
Memory spirits are old boyfriends
214
00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:11,219
who haunt their exes.
215
00:09:11,221 --> 00:09:12,887
We are polter-guys.
216
00:09:12,889 --> 00:09:13,922
What?
217
00:09:13,924 --> 00:09:15,006
(chuckling): Coined that, too.
218
00:09:15,008 --> 00:09:15,924
Dude, that's awesome.
219
00:09:15,926 --> 00:09:17,258
(groans) Okay,
220
00:09:17,260 --> 00:09:19,310
I guess scrubbing you out
of my life wasn't enough.
221
00:09:19,312 --> 00:09:20,645
I need to sweep you out.
222
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:21,729
Where's my broom?
223
00:09:21,731 --> 00:09:23,786
You can't sweep us out.
We're everywhere.
224
00:09:23,811 --> 00:09:25,516
This house is filled
with memories of us.
225
00:09:25,541 --> 00:09:26,741
Remember?
226
00:09:29,155 --> 00:09:30,572
I banged you here
227
00:09:30,574 --> 00:09:32,273
I nailed you there
228
00:09:32,275 --> 00:09:34,242
-
And on this couch
-
And in this chair
229
00:09:34,244 --> 00:09:35,693
-
In the doorway
-
The hallway
230
00:09:35,695 --> 00:09:37,111
On every stair
231
00:09:37,113 --> 00:09:39,530
BOTH:
We tapped that
ass all over this house
232
00:09:39,532 --> 00:09:41,666
(tapping)
233
00:09:43,119 --> 00:09:45,119
Sometimes him, sometimes me
234
00:09:45,121 --> 00:09:47,789
Though never simultaneously
235
00:09:47,791 --> 00:09:50,174
But one of us was
hitting it usually
236
00:09:50,176 --> 00:09:52,427
BOTH:
We tapped that
ass all over this house
237
00:09:52,429 --> 00:09:55,630
(tapping)
238
00:09:55,632 --> 00:09:58,633
You'll never escape us
239
00:09:58,635 --> 00:10:00,301
'Cause we live in your head
240
00:10:00,303 --> 00:10:03,554
Just two swell dudes
that you screwed
241
00:10:03,556 --> 00:10:04,689
-
Here
-
And here
242
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:05,974
-
And there
-
And here
243
00:10:05,976 --> 00:10:08,643
And even occasionally
in your bed
244
00:10:08,645 --> 00:10:10,895
- That bed is really uncomfortable.
- Right?
245
00:10:10,897 --> 00:10:12,480
It's like a prison cot.
246
00:10:12,482 --> 00:10:13,448
On the stove
247
00:10:13,450 --> 00:10:14,983
Over the sink
248
00:10:14,985 --> 00:10:15,984
And sort of in the fridge
249
00:10:15,986 --> 00:10:17,785
One time I think
250
00:10:17,787 --> 00:10:19,988
And then we hit the back patio
251
00:10:19,990 --> 00:10:22,874
That's where we hit
your back patio-oh!
252
00:10:22,876 --> 00:10:25,946
We tapped that ass
all over this house
253
00:10:28,081 --> 00:10:30,665
How many times did
we tap that behind?
254
00:10:30,667 --> 00:10:32,667
Well, let's estimate
255
00:10:32,669 --> 00:10:34,669
On an average day
256
00:10:34,671 --> 00:10:36,838
I would have to say
257
00:10:37,207 --> 00:10:39,540
Mmm...
A five, six, seven, eight
258
00:10:43,847 --> 00:10:47,065
What? Too cheeky?
259
00:10:47,067 --> 00:10:49,150
Hey, does this ring a bell?
260
00:10:49,152 --> 00:10:50,518
(high-pitched): A little to the left.
261
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:51,769
(high-pitched): Oh, oh, okay, now,
262
00:10:51,771 --> 00:10:53,021
a little to the right.
263
00:10:53,023 --> 00:10:54,238
Oh, oh, wait, wait,
264
00:10:54,578 --> 00:10:55,990
back to the left.
265
00:10:55,992 --> 00:10:59,360
- Right there, right there.
- JOSH: Wait, no,
266
00:10:59,362 --> 00:11:02,110
you're doing it wrong.
I'll do it myself.
267
00:11:04,701 --> 00:11:06,868
Barkeep, what's on tap?
268
00:11:06,870 --> 00:11:08,836
It's me. And my ass.
269
00:11:08,838 --> 00:11:10,088
Ooh!
270
00:11:10,090 --> 00:11:11,706
Sounds refreshing.
271
00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:16,928
On the table you
were willing and able
272
00:11:16,930 --> 00:11:19,714
On the ottoman,
you took a lotta man
273
00:11:19,716 --> 00:11:21,382
And on the safe in the closet
274
00:11:21,384 --> 00:11:23,351
I made a deposit
275
00:11:23,353 --> 00:11:27,305
I also tapped that
ass all over this house
276
00:11:27,307 --> 00:11:30,785
Let's wrap this up with a big finish!
277
00:11:31,696 --> 00:11:33,728
But where should we finish?
278
00:11:33,730 --> 00:11:34,946
Please not on my chest.
279
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:38,783
No, you'll scratch it.
280
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:41,035
On the accent wall
281
00:11:41,037 --> 00:11:42,607
On the bathroom floor
282
00:11:42,632 --> 00:11:45,050
-
You didn't care where
-
You just wanted more
283
00:11:45,075 --> 00:11:47,875
BOTH:
How much more tappin'
could one ass endure?
284
00:11:47,877 --> 00:11:49,210
We tapped that ass
285
00:11:49,212 --> 00:11:50,545
Tapped that ass
286
00:11:50,547 --> 00:11:51,963
Tapped that ass
287
00:11:51,965 --> 00:11:53,247
Tapped that ass
288
00:11:53,249 --> 00:11:54,999
We tapped that ass
289
00:11:55,001 --> 00:11:58,836
All over this house!
290
00:12:00,321 --> 00:12:01,672
Goodbye, Josh.
291
00:12:02,078 --> 00:12:03,591
Goodbye, Greg.
292
00:12:03,985 --> 00:12:05,760
Adios, Josh.
293
00:12:05,762 --> 00:12:08,563
Fare-thee-well, Gregorino.
294
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,595
Mm-hmm.
295
00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:12,086
Hmm.
296
00:12:15,271 --> 00:12:16,738
Mm.
297
00:12:24,864 --> 00:12:26,781
(sirens wailing)
298
00:12:26,783 --> 00:12:28,274
(knocks on door)
299
00:12:30,344 --> 00:12:32,253
Oh, good, you're up. Okay, so,
300
00:12:32,255 --> 00:12:35,706
(voice breaking): can I
sleep here tonight, please?
301
00:12:40,964 --> 00:12:43,860
(groans)
302
00:12:44,884 --> 00:12:46,350
Oh, my God, that was you?
303
00:12:46,352 --> 00:12:47,685
You lit the fire?
304
00:12:47,687 --> 00:12:49,554
No, no, no, okay, so
I was trying to burn
305
00:12:49,556 --> 00:12:52,106
some ex-boyfriend memorabilia.
306
00:12:52,108 --> 00:12:53,474
And it was all an accident.
307
00:12:54,016 --> 00:12:55,893
Well, not the fire, but the fire!
308
00:12:55,895 --> 00:12:58,613
Ah, well, you could've
burned down the whole complex.
309
00:12:58,615 --> 00:13:01,711
I was gonna run out and see
it, but then I was tired.
310
00:13:01,813 --> 00:13:04,152
Okay, so, I'm tired too, so I'll just...
311
00:13:04,154 --> 00:13:05,486
I'll just-I'll just sleep here, yeah?
312
00:13:05,488 --> 00:13:06,571
MRS. DAVIS: Heather?
313
00:13:06,573 --> 00:13:08,873
Is everything okay?
314
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:11,467
Oh, hello, hi.
315
00:13:11,492 --> 00:13:12,994
Who are you? Heather, I thought
316
00:13:12,996 --> 00:13:15,630
- you lived alone.
- What? No, I live with my parents.
317
00:13:15,632 --> 00:13:16,964
You know that.
318
00:13:17,532 --> 00:13:18,299
I do?
319
00:13:18,301 --> 00:13:19,884
You've met them.
320
00:13:20,157 --> 00:13:21,085
I have?
321
00:13:21,087 --> 00:13:22,837
Your parking spot is next to mine.
322
00:13:22,839 --> 00:13:24,172
And I was the one who kept getting
323
00:13:24,174 --> 00:13:26,174
your Playbill Magazine, remember?
324
00:13:26,176 --> 00:13:28,226
And you keep scraping
the side of my car?
325
00:13:28,228 --> 00:13:31,179
(robot voice): Mm. Searching
database for facial recognition.
326
00:13:31,181 --> 00:13:34,732
Beep, beep, beep, eh, matches not found.
327
00:13:34,734 --> 00:13:37,105
- (laughter)
- Don't be weird.
328
00:13:37,130 --> 00:13:39,998
I'm so sorry to wake
you, Mr. and Mrs. Heather.
329
00:13:40,023 --> 00:13:41,355
Davis. My last name's Davis.
330
00:13:41,357 --> 00:13:42,657
What's wrong with you?
331
00:13:42,659 --> 00:13:44,408
I was in a fire.
332
00:13:44,410 --> 00:13:45,993
(crying): It was so scary.
333
00:13:45,995 --> 00:13:49,330
- Oh, thank you.
- HEATHER: Aw. No.
334
00:13:49,332 --> 00:13:50,865
It's okay. I mean...
335
00:13:50,867 --> 00:13:54,202
Ugh. Okay, Mom, Dad, can
Rebecca crash on the sofa,
336
00:13:54,204 --> 00:13:55,503
or whatever?
337
00:13:55,505 --> 00:13:57,705
Of course, I'll go get a blanket.
338
00:13:57,707 --> 00:14:00,374
And I make some mean pancakes,
Heather will tell you.
339
00:14:00,376 --> 00:14:02,543
Oh, well, good, I-I am kind of hungry.
340
00:14:03,423 --> 00:14:06,125
Well, I was thinking more
breakfast, but sure, why not?
341
00:14:06,150 --> 00:14:07,599
Guys, it's 2:00 a.m.
342
00:14:07,766 --> 00:14:10,100
- Which means it's morning.
- Dad...
343
00:14:10,102 --> 00:14:13,103
Heather, your parents are so nice.
344
00:14:13,105 --> 00:14:15,689
(drawn-out groan) Yeah.
345
00:14:15,691 --> 00:14:16,990
Do you want strawberry cat ears,
346
00:14:16,992 --> 00:14:19,383
or blueberry smiles on those flapjacks?
347
00:14:19,408 --> 00:14:22,076
Get out of my head, you angel.
348
00:14:22,101 --> 00:14:23,850
Both, I'll take both!
349
00:14:23,999 --> 00:14:26,950
(inhales deeply and sniffs)
350
00:14:29,872 --> 00:14:31,453
Where is she?
351
00:14:31,478 --> 00:14:32,560
She went to work, dear.
352
00:14:32,585 --> 00:14:34,201
She borrowed some of my clothes.
353
00:14:34,376 --> 00:14:37,094
- Why, what's wrong?
- This.
354
00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:41,348
Photo credit, the jerk
in 7B. (phone beeps)
355
00:14:41,350 --> 00:14:42,683
DISPATCH: 911, what is your emergency?
356
00:14:42,685 --> 00:14:44,134
REBECCA: Well, I was in a love triangle
357
00:14:44,136 --> 00:14:45,802
with two best friends
named Josh and Greg
358
00:14:45,804 --> 00:14:46,970
and they both rejected me,
so I tried to light a fire
359
00:14:46,972 --> 00:14:48,305
and burn all their stuff
360
00:14:48,307 --> 00:14:49,806
and it's so smoky in
here and I'm so sad.
361
00:14:49,808 --> 00:14:51,191
Hold on, I have to poo.
362
00:14:51,193 --> 00:14:52,609
DISPATCH: Ma'am, is there
a fire in your house?
363
00:14:52,611 --> 00:14:54,394
Don't go into your bathroom.
364
00:14:54,396 --> 00:14:56,647
- REBECCA: Okay, I'll poo outside.
- What is your name, Ma'am?
365
00:14:56,649 --> 00:14:58,732
My name is Rebecca Nora
Bunch from West Covina.
366
00:14:58,734 --> 00:15:01,289
(groans) I'm in the backyard
and I got poo on my shoes. Hurry.
367
00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:03,370
(elevator dings)
368
00:15:13,415 --> 00:15:14,703
What?
369
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:16,961
Are you okay?
370
00:15:17,386 --> 00:15:18,835
Oh, you must be so humiliated.
371
00:15:18,837 --> 00:15:20,087
KAREN: If I were you,
372
00:15:20,089 --> 00:15:21,588
I would start working on an alias.
373
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:24,341
Karen, I'm totally fine.
374
00:15:24,343 --> 00:15:27,907
- Mine would be Eva Longoria.
- What?
375
00:15:28,347 --> 00:15:30,805
- That's already someone.
- Is it?
376
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,019
REBECCA: (groans) I'm
in the backyard and I got
377
00:15:36,021 --> 00:15:37,187
poo on my shoes. Hurry.
378
00:15:38,691 --> 00:15:41,086
(mouse click)
379
00:15:42,745 --> 00:15:44,161
- (mouse click)
- DISPATCH: 911, was it your emergency?
380
00:15:44,163 --> 00:15:45,412
Okay, no, enough of this,
381
00:15:45,414 --> 00:15:46,863
we're not watching this anymore.
382
00:15:46,865 --> 00:15:49,000
Okay, this is gonna blow
over in, like, two seconds.
383
00:15:49,368 --> 00:15:51,016
What are you wearing, by the way?
384
00:15:51,420 --> 00:15:53,883
Mm, it's Heather's mom's clothes.
385
00:15:54,201 --> 00:15:56,368
I can't go back to my
apartment, like, ever.
386
00:15:56,542 --> 00:15:58,175
It's okay, I'll go to your
apartment and get your things.
387
00:15:58,177 --> 00:15:59,459
Memory spirits will not mess
388
00:15:59,461 --> 00:16:00,711
with Mama Paula.
389
00:16:00,713 --> 00:16:04,631
- (moans) Thank you. Okay.
- (chuckles)
390
00:16:04,633 --> 00:16:06,550
(sighs)
391
00:16:06,552 --> 00:16:09,969
You don't think that many
people saw this, do you?
392
00:16:10,150 --> 00:16:11,599
Uh...
393
00:16:11,890 --> 00:16:15,141
Like, like, Josh and
Greg haven't seen it.
394
00:16:15,394 --> 00:16:17,547
No, no.
395
00:16:17,572 --> 00:16:21,574
No, no, no, I don't think
anybody sent it to them.
396
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:25,068
Hey, forget me, forget this,
what-what's new with you?
397
00:16:25,070 --> 00:16:27,954
Me? Uh, nothing.
398
00:16:27,956 --> 00:16:29,623
Are you sure? Because
you've seemed a little
399
00:16:29,625 --> 00:16:30,874
I don't know, distracted lately,
400
00:16:30,876 --> 00:16:32,325
and I want to be a good friend.
401
00:16:32,327 --> 00:16:33,910
Tell me, I'm a good listener.
402
00:16:33,912 --> 00:16:35,162
(crying): I'm a good listener.
403
00:16:35,164 --> 00:16:36,580
So just tell me!
404
00:16:36,582 --> 00:16:40,467
Okay. Babe, why don't you go home,
405
00:16:40,469 --> 00:16:42,753
and take like a... personal disaster day
406
00:16:42,755 --> 00:16:45,138
No, no, I want to be in the meeting!
407
00:16:45,140 --> 00:16:46,840
Okay, are you sure?
408
00:16:46,842 --> 00:16:49,559
'Cause it's a douche company
and Karen's gonna be there
409
00:16:49,561 --> 00:16:51,762
just talking all about her vagina.
410
00:16:51,764 --> 00:16:53,397
And we're just gonna be throwing up.
411
00:16:53,399 --> 00:16:55,932
No, no, it'll make me
feel better to work.
412
00:16:55,934 --> 00:17:00,105
And plus, I want to prove
to everyone that I'm okay.
413
00:17:00,965 --> 00:17:02,355
DARRYL: Okay!
414
00:17:02,357 --> 00:17:04,658
Is everybody ready to
get their douche on?
415
00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:05,957
(laughs)
416
00:17:06,746 --> 00:17:08,161
Oh.
417
00:17:08,163 --> 00:17:09,496
I am so sorry if I offended.
418
00:17:09,498 --> 00:17:10,947
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That was just...
419
00:17:10,949 --> 00:17:13,450
I am not offended by
the word "douche" at all.
420
00:17:13,452 --> 00:17:14,918
- (chuckles) No.
- Oh.
421
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,370
At Miss Douche, we are
very proud of our products
422
00:17:17,372 --> 00:17:19,089
and everything they do for women.
423
00:17:19,091 --> 00:17:20,874
No, we're honored the women entrust us
424
00:17:20,876 --> 00:17:23,343
with the care and cleanliness
of their special parts.
425
00:17:23,345 --> 00:17:24,628
(shudders)
426
00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:26,963
Personally, I am a fan.
427
00:17:26,965 --> 00:17:29,099
I've been using your products for years.
428
00:17:29,101 --> 00:17:30,350
Would you sign my box?
429
00:17:30,352 --> 00:17:31,351
Her douche box.
430
00:17:31,353 --> 00:17:35,355
Maybe later. Look, we-we want
to reclaim the word "douche."
431
00:17:35,357 --> 00:17:36,640
We think it could be the cornerstone
432
00:17:36,642 --> 00:17:38,108
of female empowerment.
433
00:17:38,597 --> 00:17:40,060
Empowerment?
434
00:17:40,062 --> 00:17:42,979
Well, yes! We know that
our company's image is retro
435
00:17:42,981 --> 00:17:45,198
and that's why we're re-branding.
436
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,983
We're moving into new market places,
437
00:17:46,985 --> 00:17:48,819
we're redefining ourselves.
438
00:17:48,821 --> 00:17:50,737
Hence the new facility in
Pomona you're working on.
439
00:17:50,739 --> 00:17:53,073
Yeah, new headquarters,
new image, new us.
440
00:17:53,075 --> 00:17:54,291
We are starting over.
441
00:17:54,293 --> 00:17:55,575
Starting over, yeah.
442
00:17:55,577 --> 00:17:57,043
Yeah, our name and image
443
00:17:57,045 --> 00:17:59,162
are a liability, we get that, you know.
444
00:17:59,488 --> 00:18:00,881
People sometimes laugh,
445
00:18:00,883 --> 00:18:03,777
they childishly giggle at us.
446
00:18:04,136 --> 00:18:07,387
Let alone all the anti-douching
research funded by Big Vagina.
447
00:18:07,389 --> 00:18:09,506
Nothing worse than Big Vagina.
448
00:18:09,508 --> 00:18:10,974
Oh, amen.
449
00:18:10,976 --> 00:18:13,144
No, but when I am done
with this re-branding,
450
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:14,550
no one will laugh at me.
451
00:18:15,043 --> 00:18:18,265
I mean, us... anymore. (chuckles)
452
00:18:22,654 --> 00:18:24,771
You know, um, you know, re-branding,
453
00:18:24,773 --> 00:18:26,857
you were talking about that,
and I'm so fascinated by that
454
00:18:26,859 --> 00:18:28,447
- from a business perspective.
- Oh.
455
00:18:28,472 --> 00:18:30,610
Tell me, how does a person or a business
456
00:18:30,612 --> 00:18:32,112
completely change their entire identity
457
00:18:32,114 --> 00:18:33,446
so that everyone forgets
what they were like before?
458
00:18:33,448 --> 00:18:34,698
Well, for us,
459
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:36,249
it starts with a new marketing push.
460
00:18:36,251 --> 00:18:38,034
We're launching a new Miss Douche logo.
461
00:18:38,036 --> 00:18:40,670
So instead of an illustration,
she'll be a real woman,
462
00:18:40,672 --> 00:18:41,855
flesh and blood.
463
00:18:42,341 --> 00:18:44,424
Probably should not mention
blood when I'm pitching it.
464
00:18:44,426 --> 00:18:45,842
Anyway, we're looking for her now.
465
00:18:45,844 --> 00:18:47,544
How are you doing that?
466
00:18:47,546 --> 00:18:49,262
Oh, it's a grass roots viral campaign.
467
00:18:49,264 --> 00:18:51,264
So, the contestants send their
photos to us on Instagram.
468
00:18:51,266 --> 00:18:53,350
The five with the most
likes become the finalists,
469
00:18:53,352 --> 00:18:56,386
and then we pick the winner. Oh, God,
470
00:18:56,388 --> 00:18:58,054
When the world sees the new Miss Douche
471
00:18:58,056 --> 00:19:00,473
on-on a billboard,
a pop-up ad or on TV,
472
00:19:00,475 --> 00:19:03,059
they're just gonna say, "Wow,
look at that new Miss Douche!
473
00:19:03,061 --> 00:19:06,112
- (elevator dings)
- She really has her act together."
474
00:19:12,621 --> 00:19:15,288
Paula, Paula, can you
do all the research
475
00:19:15,290 --> 00:19:16,873
for the permitting for Trina's case?
476
00:19:16,875 --> 00:19:18,742
I need you to pull blueprints,
477
00:19:18,744 --> 00:19:20,043
file motions, set hearings...
478
00:19:20,045 --> 00:19:21,077
Uh-Uh, I can't do those things.
479
00:19:21,079 --> 00:19:24,047
- I'm not a lawyer.
- Oh, but you basically are.
480
00:19:24,049 --> 00:19:25,715
And you're the only person
481
00:19:25,717 --> 00:19:26,917
I would trust to take this over.
482
00:19:26,919 --> 00:19:28,218
Listen, I have to recuse myself
483
00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:29,441
from the case.
484
00:19:29,466 --> 00:19:31,715
I have a conflict of interest.
485
00:19:32,607 --> 00:19:33,890
What are you talking about?
486
00:19:33,915 --> 00:19:36,799
Paula, I need to become a douche.
487
00:19:38,602 --> 00:19:40,551
Miss Douche!
488
00:19:49,395 --> 00:19:51,807
Ow! This Miss Douche case
489
00:19:51,832 --> 00:19:53,365
is so complicated.
490
00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:56,334
Look at us, dividing
up our domestic duties.
491
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,104
Are you cooking or doing inventory?
492
00:19:59,106 --> 00:20:02,024
I'm making bacon-wrapped chicken,
493
00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:04,360
and, uh... it's hard.
494
00:20:04,362 --> 00:20:05,527
Babe, I see what you're doing here,
495
00:20:05,529 --> 00:20:07,832
and I-I really appreciate it.
496
00:20:08,532 --> 00:20:10,849
You're trying to show me
that I can go to law school
497
00:20:10,851 --> 00:20:14,153
and have a baby, and that
our lives can still work.
498
00:20:14,155 --> 00:20:17,373
Exactly. See, I'm crushing it.
499
00:20:17,375 --> 00:20:19,575
(chuckles)
500
00:20:19,577 --> 00:20:22,785
Tommy, Brendan, dinner.
501
00:20:25,988 --> 00:20:27,049
Tommy!
502
00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:29,335
Tommy! Where the hell is Tommy?
503
00:20:29,337 --> 00:20:31,337
I'm gonna count to three, young man.
504
00:20:31,339 --> 00:20:32,838
Don't let me get to three!
505
00:20:32,863 --> 00:20:36,558
One, two... Oh, I completely
forgot to pick up Tommy. Shoot!
506
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:39,845
Uh, Brendan, go get Tommy.
507
00:20:40,066 --> 00:20:41,897
My license is suspended again.
508
00:20:41,899 --> 00:20:42,982
Just go get him.
509
00:20:42,984 --> 00:20:44,650
Uh, take the back roads.
510
00:20:48,035 --> 00:20:53,325
So I, uh... I need a little practice in
the domestic arts, but I'll get there.
511
00:20:53,327 --> 00:20:54,777
Honey, I'm gonna call
the law school tomorrow
512
00:20:54,779 --> 00:20:56,278
and tell them that I can't go.
513
00:20:56,769 --> 00:20:58,998
We are overwhelmed on our best day.
514
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,557
And we cannot add a baby and law school
515
00:21:02,582 --> 00:21:04,063
to this.
516
00:21:04,088 --> 00:21:06,755
But you love law, and you're good at it.
517
00:21:06,757 --> 00:21:08,874
And you have the perfect
name for a lawyer...
518
00:21:08,876 --> 00:21:10,592
Paula Proctor, Esquire.
519
00:21:10,594 --> 00:21:12,294
The only better job would be...
520
00:21:12,296 --> 00:21:14,430
- Paula Proctor, Doctor.
- Stop it.
521
00:21:14,432 --> 00:21:17,383
We have made a decision,
522
00:21:17,385 --> 00:21:20,019
and we need to stop talking about it.
523
00:21:24,457 --> 00:21:26,006
Now let's eat around some chicken.
524
00:21:26,008 --> 00:21:27,958
525
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,627
(dog barking in distance)
526
00:21:29,629 --> 00:21:31,212
- So, it's a contest
- (crunches)
527
00:21:31,214 --> 00:21:33,297
to see who will be the new Miss Douche!
528
00:21:33,299 --> 00:21:36,300
- Ooh, a contest. Wonderful!
- I love Miss Douche.
529
00:21:36,302 --> 00:21:39,386
It's been around since I
was a kid. My mother used it!
530
00:21:39,388 --> 00:21:41,137
She always smelled like a salad.
531
00:21:41,162 --> 00:21:43,474
- Exactly!
- Ew. This whole thing is dumb.
532
00:21:43,476 --> 00:21:46,360
The only thing grosser than a
douche is an internet contest.
533
00:21:46,362 --> 00:21:49,313
Heather, I need to do this,
okay? I need to re-brand.
534
00:21:49,315 --> 00:21:52,283
My 9-1-1 video is
up to 10,000 hits,
535
00:21:52,285 --> 00:21:54,285
and everyone I've ever met is
texting me, saying things
536
00:21:54,287 --> 00:21:56,821
like, "Are you okay? I saw the video."
537
00:21:56,823 --> 00:21:58,379
I need to change the narrative.
538
00:21:58,658 --> 00:22:00,491
If I'm Miss Douche,
539
00:22:00,493 --> 00:22:03,043
then everyone will know
that I'm okay. Everyone.
540
00:22:03,045 --> 00:22:05,329
Josh and Greg and Audra Levine
541
00:22:05,331 --> 00:22:07,548
and my mother, my garbage
father... everybody!
542
00:22:07,550 --> 00:22:09,917
So you want everyone
to see you as a douche.
543
00:22:09,919 --> 00:22:12,336
- (gasps)
- Honey, you're not being supportive.
544
00:22:12,338 --> 00:22:14,388
- I'm repeating what she said.
- Okay,
545
00:22:14,390 --> 00:22:15,806
so let's see who has the most likes.
546
00:22:15,808 --> 00:22:17,341
Help me scope out the competish.
547
00:22:17,343 --> 00:22:18,425
Okay. So, these are
548
00:22:18,427 --> 00:22:20,394
the girls who have
the most likes so far.
549
00:22:20,396 --> 00:22:22,429
Okay...
550
00:22:22,431 --> 00:22:24,315
And... all right.
551
00:22:24,317 --> 00:22:25,840
Okay, there's that girl...
552
00:22:29,988 --> 00:22:31,989
Mm-hmm. This is not for you.
553
00:22:31,991 --> 00:22:33,691
- What do you mean?
- They all look like
554
00:22:33,693 --> 00:22:36,527
gorgeous mermaids who grew
feet and went to Coachella.
555
00:22:36,529 --> 00:22:38,362
- Oh, I could look like that.
- Sure, if you had
556
00:22:38,364 --> 00:22:40,114
five years, a team of professionals
557
00:22:40,116 --> 00:22:41,415
and different DNA.
558
00:22:41,417 --> 00:22:42,950
MRS. DAVIS: Honey, that's not nice.
559
00:22:42,952 --> 00:22:44,118
Heather.
560
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:45,870
You are smart, but wrong.
561
00:22:45,872 --> 00:22:46,957
I can look like that.
562
00:22:46,982 --> 00:22:48,481
All I need is one thing.
563
00:22:49,921 --> 00:22:53,456
I need what every girl
needs after a breakups.
564
00:22:54,871 --> 00:22:56,597
- A makeover!
- MR. AND MRS. DAVIS: Oh!
565
00:22:56,599 --> 00:22:57,765
Cue the song!
566
00:22:57,767 --> 00:22:59,496
Oh, you're right!
567
00:22:59,719 --> 00:23:01,385
She needs a makeover
568
00:23:01,387 --> 00:23:03,187
-
A makeover, a makeover
- MR. DAVIS: Hey!
569
00:23:03,189 --> 00:23:04,972
Mom, no. Mom. No.
570
00:23:04,974 --> 00:23:06,774
It's something like... No, it's
something like, that's what I...
571
00:23:06,776 --> 00:23:08,726
it's kind of something
like that, in my head.
572
00:23:08,728 --> 00:23:10,377
573
00:23:17,486 --> 00:23:20,654
It's a make...
over, makey-makeover
574
00:23:20,656 --> 00:23:24,074
It's a makey-makey-makey-
makey-makey makeover
575
00:23:24,076 --> 00:23:27,328
Old you in the garbage,
new you in display case
576
00:23:27,330 --> 00:23:30,381
Old you was a diaper,
new you is a diamond
577
00:23:30,383 --> 00:23:32,967
Makeover, it's a makey-makeover
578
00:23:32,969 --> 00:23:36,554
It's a makey-lakey-wakey-
fakey-bakey-makeover
579
00:23:36,556 --> 00:23:38,088
Process
580
00:23:38,090 --> 00:23:39,306
Process
581
00:23:39,308 --> 00:23:42,593
Reveal, reveal
582
00:23:42,595 --> 00:23:44,395
Hairs, nailies
583
00:23:44,397 --> 00:23:45,879
-
Sparkle magic horse
- (horse neighs)
584
00:23:45,881 --> 00:23:48,766
Makeover, it's a makey-makeover
585
00:23:48,768 --> 00:23:52,069
It's a makey-lakey-wakey-
fakey-bakey-cakey-rakey-nakey
586
00:23:52,071 --> 00:23:53,437
I had a stroke
587
00:23:53,439 --> 00:23:55,155
I had a stroke
588
00:23:55,157 --> 00:23:56,490
I had a stroke
589
00:23:56,492 --> 00:23:57,775
I had a stroke.
590
00:23:57,777 --> 00:23:59,326
(elevator dings)
591
00:23:59,328 --> 00:24:01,612
592
00:24:12,924 --> 00:24:14,577
Wow.
593
00:24:14,602 --> 00:24:16,936
Look at... you!
594
00:24:17,429 --> 00:24:19,780
- I woke up like this.
- (chuckles)
595
00:24:19,932 --> 00:24:21,632
So, I didn't really wake up like this,
596
00:24:21,634 --> 00:24:23,467
but don't tell anybody, okay?
597
00:24:23,469 --> 00:24:25,803
- Okay.
- Okay. Yeah.
598
00:24:36,515 --> 00:24:37,991
Hey.
599
00:24:39,101 --> 00:24:41,859
Paula, I feel like you're
not vibing with my new vibe.
600
00:24:42,242 --> 00:24:43,608
I-It's great.
601
00:24:43,805 --> 00:24:45,939
- (phone beeps)
- Okay.
602
00:24:45,941 --> 00:24:47,671
(unlocks iPhone)
603
00:24:47,696 --> 00:24:49,701
(gasps) Oh, my God!
Yes! Yes! Yes! I went
604
00:24:49,726 --> 00:24:51,343
so way up in likes!
I paid a bunch of bots
605
00:24:51,345 --> 00:24:54,396
to like my photos... It
only cost me five grand...
606
00:24:54,398 --> 00:24:57,232
And... (gasps) I'm in the
top ten for Miss Douche.
607
00:24:57,257 --> 00:24:58,600
Oh, my God, I'm so close.
608
00:24:58,602 --> 00:25:00,402
Okay. Honey, I know
that you are really sad
609
00:25:00,404 --> 00:25:02,270
that Josh and Greg... dumped you,
610
00:25:02,272 --> 00:25:04,530
and you have done a classic
post-breakup makeover...
611
00:25:04,555 --> 00:25:08,360
Paula. You don't understand.
So, when I'm Miss Douche,
612
00:25:08,362 --> 00:25:09,694
the entire world is gonna see
613
00:25:09,696 --> 00:25:12,109
how awesome and effortless I now am.
614
00:25:12,134 --> 00:25:14,984
I mean, it only takes me two
hours to achieve this look.
615
00:25:15,203 --> 00:25:17,369
- I mean, four if I haven't had coffee.
- Okay, well,
616
00:25:17,371 --> 00:25:19,788
this look... is not going to bring
617
00:25:19,790 --> 00:25:21,957
- either of them back.
- I know that.
618
00:25:21,999 --> 00:25:23,709
This isn't just about Josh and Greg,
619
00:25:23,734 --> 00:25:25,734
this is about feeling good about myself.
620
00:25:25,736 --> 00:25:27,653
I mean, I finally feel, Paula,
621
00:25:27,655 --> 00:25:30,356
like I've found the true, authentic me.
622
00:25:30,358 --> 00:25:32,358
(laughs) "Authentic." Yeah.
623
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:34,994
So authentic that you stapled
horse hair to your head.
624
00:25:34,996 --> 00:25:37,363
Okay. You sound real stupid,
625
00:25:37,365 --> 00:25:38,998
because it's not staples, it's glue.
626
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:40,199
And it's not horse hair,
627
00:25:40,201 --> 00:25:42,535
it's dead people hair, so...
628
00:25:44,383 --> 00:25:46,550
Oops. Sorry.
629
00:25:46,716 --> 00:25:48,882
I... need some more glue.
630
00:25:49,126 --> 00:25:50,876
Not stapes, so...
631
00:25:50,878 --> 00:25:52,109
B.R.B.
632
00:25:55,683 --> 00:25:56,932
(exhales)
633
00:25:56,934 --> 00:25:59,385
(birds chirping)
634
00:25:59,387 --> 00:26:01,604
Mm...
635
00:26:11,816 --> 00:26:13,899
(exhales)
636
00:26:13,901 --> 00:26:15,601
Oh. Hey, Josh.
637
00:26:15,987 --> 00:26:18,484
Um... hello, Miss.
638
00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:20,974
No! Josh, Josh, it's-it's...
639
00:26:21,242 --> 00:26:22,791
It's me, it's Becks!
640
00:26:22,793 --> 00:26:24,296
Oh...
641
00:26:24,829 --> 00:26:26,879
Wow.
642
00:26:26,881 --> 00:26:28,297
Rebecca?
643
00:26:28,299 --> 00:26:30,007
You look so...
644
00:26:30,334 --> 00:26:31,655
So...
645
00:26:32,053 --> 00:26:34,386
- Look at you!
- I know,
646
00:26:34,388 --> 00:26:36,755
right? It's-it's great.
I'm doing this contest,
647
00:26:36,757 --> 00:26:39,425
and did you not see my
Instagram pic of my makeover?
648
00:26:39,427 --> 00:26:41,644
Said, hashtag "alwayshydrate"? I mean,
649
00:26:41,646 --> 00:26:43,312
I haven't checked all the
likes, there are so many likes.
650
00:26:43,314 --> 00:26:45,097
So, I couldn't tell if...
if you were on there.
651
00:26:45,099 --> 00:26:47,182
Oh. I haven't been online for a while.
652
00:26:47,184 --> 00:26:48,934
I'm on an internet cleanse. I do it
653
00:26:48,936 --> 00:26:50,486
every once in a while.
Just... Sometimes,
654
00:26:50,488 --> 00:26:52,605
there's crazy stuff online that...
655
00:26:52,607 --> 00:26:54,952
you know, bums me out,
you know what I mean?
656
00:26:54,954 --> 00:26:56,719
Josh, if you're
talking about that 9-1-1
657
00:26:56,744 --> 00:26:58,577
phone call, and the fire...
658
00:26:58,579 --> 00:27:00,162
You know, I've been meaning
to tell you, I wasn't
659
00:27:00,164 --> 00:27:02,248
screaming "Josh, Greg, Josh,
Greg," that wasn't about you,
660
00:27:02,250 --> 00:27:04,166
that was about my good friend Josh Greg,
661
00:27:04,168 --> 00:27:06,418
with whom I went to both
Harvard and Yale, and he's
662
00:27:06,420 --> 00:27:09,374
in a really bad place,
'cause his cousin just died.
663
00:27:09,924 --> 00:27:11,290
What
9-1-1 call?
664
00:27:11,343 --> 00:27:13,125
I was talking about
people who post pictures
665
00:27:13,127 --> 00:27:14,913
of polar bears on melting ice caps.
666
00:27:15,296 --> 00:27:16,273
What fire?
667
00:27:16,741 --> 00:27:18,847
Oh, so you didn't hear about...
668
00:27:18,849 --> 00:27:20,799
D-uh, uh, the... it's-it's...
oh, my gosh. It's a...
669
00:27:20,801 --> 00:27:23,601
it was... no, no, no. It's
noth... Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
670
00:27:23,626 --> 00:27:26,472
And... and you're in a contest? Is
it a... costume contest?
671
00:27:26,474 --> 00:27:28,190
Is that why you're wearing that...
672
00:27:28,192 --> 00:27:29,975
funny costume? (chuckles softly)
673
00:27:30,257 --> 00:27:32,478
Uh, no. It's not a...
it's not a costume.
674
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,897
This is... um, this is how I dress now.
675
00:27:34,899 --> 00:27:36,609
This is my new... my look.
676
00:27:38,486 --> 00:27:40,369
Oh, s... uh.
677
00:27:40,371 --> 00:27:42,204
Rebecca. I'm sorry.
678
00:27:42,206 --> 00:27:44,406
No... Whatever you're
going through right now,
679
00:27:44,408 --> 00:27:46,158
uh... it'll get better.
680
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:47,234
I promise.
681
00:27:47,686 --> 00:27:50,726
Okay, but it can't get better
when it's already the best.
682
00:27:51,999 --> 00:27:53,484
Take care, Rebecca.
683
00:27:54,103 --> 00:27:56,520
Cool. I don't need taking
care of, though, so...
684
00:27:56,718 --> 00:27:58,226
(sighs)
685
00:27:59,179 --> 00:28:01,463
686
00:28:04,178 --> 00:28:05,827
(groans) Get up.
687
00:28:06,343 --> 00:28:07,726
- Get up!
- Mm!
688
00:28:07,751 --> 00:28:08,731
You've been sleeping for, like,
689
00:28:08,733 --> 00:28:10,349
- two days!
- Aah!
690
00:28:10,351 --> 00:28:12,851
Your expensive bots pushed
your likes over the edge.
691
00:28:13,023 --> 00:28:14,973
Dude, you made it into the finals!
692
00:28:15,022 --> 00:28:17,945
So, like, get up and
go to your dumb contest.
693
00:28:18,359 --> 00:28:20,776
Try to be Miss Douche, you idiot.
694
00:28:20,778 --> 00:28:21,860
Wait. I made it?
695
00:28:21,862 --> 00:28:23,579
- Yeah.
- Oh...
696
00:28:23,581 --> 00:28:26,343
Oh, yeah. I was a pretty hot girl.
697
00:28:26,968 --> 00:28:29,023
No, it doesn't matter 'cause I give up.
698
00:28:29,048 --> 00:28:32,371
What... You can't give up. You put
in all that stupid effort.
699
00:28:32,373 --> 00:28:34,006
- Eh.
- MR. DAVIS: Rebecca.
700
00:28:34,008 --> 00:28:36,508
Here. I made something for you
701
00:28:36,510 --> 00:28:37,876
with a special cookie cutter
702
00:28:37,878 --> 00:28:39,845
and lots of love.
703
00:28:39,847 --> 00:28:41,213
Thank you, Mr. Heather.
704
00:28:41,215 --> 00:28:43,182
She's refusing to go
to her dumb contest.
705
00:28:43,184 --> 00:28:44,593
Tell her that she has to go.
706
00:28:44,618 --> 00:28:45,817
I don't know, honey.
707
00:28:45,842 --> 00:28:47,842
She really seems like she wants to quit.
708
00:28:48,008 --> 00:28:49,424
MR. DAVIS: Rebecca, sweetie,
709
00:28:49,449 --> 00:28:51,577
you don't have to do
anything you started.
710
00:28:51,602 --> 00:28:52,655
- What...
- Yay.
711
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:54,036
No... What?
712
00:28:54,061 --> 00:28:56,395
She permanently damaged her appearance
713
00:28:56,397 --> 00:28:58,147
and she needs to see this thing through.
714
00:28:58,149 --> 00:28:59,898
We never made you do that, honey.
715
00:29:00,034 --> 00:29:02,067
Yes. You tried a lot of different things
716
00:29:02,092 --> 00:29:03,596
and we supported you
717
00:29:03,621 --> 00:29:05,593
every time you wanted to quit something.
718
00:29:05,618 --> 00:29:07,251
We still have all the
musical instruments
719
00:29:07,276 --> 00:29:08,808
you only played for a week.
720
00:29:08,909 --> 00:29:11,726
(moans) You guys are talking so loud!
721
00:29:11,751 --> 00:29:13,495
Okay, no. No...
722
00:29:13,497 --> 00:29:14,491
- Get up!
- No!
723
00:29:14,516 --> 00:29:16,382
- You get up!
- (whimpers)
724
00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:18,250
You wanted to show the world
you were okay after that
725
00:29:18,252 --> 00:29:20,419
embarrassing 9-1-1
video, so come on!
726
00:29:20,421 --> 00:29:21,920
- Let's go!
- (rips)
727
00:29:21,922 --> 00:29:23,922
That's disgusting.
728
00:29:23,924 --> 00:29:26,873
Girl, get your hair
glue and let's V?monos,
729
00:29:26,898 --> 00:29:28,677
which is the only word I know in Spanish
730
00:29:28,702 --> 00:29:30,765
'cause I only took it for a week.
731
00:29:31,098 --> 00:29:32,898
732
00:29:32,900 --> 00:29:34,600
ANNOUNCER: Our next contestant
733
00:29:34,602 --> 00:29:36,796
is Melanie Mu?oz from Fort Lauderdale.
734
00:29:36,820 --> 00:29:38,820
(applause)
735
00:29:42,558 --> 00:29:46,860
Miss Mu?os, do you yourself
use the Miss Douche product?
736
00:29:46,885 --> 00:29:49,558
Absolutely. Freshness
is so important to me.
737
00:29:49,583 --> 00:29:51,617
It gives me confidence
to go about my day,
738
00:29:51,619 --> 00:29:54,503
knowing I don't have
any unnecessary bacteria.
739
00:29:54,505 --> 00:29:56,437
So, I feel free and relaxed.
740
00:29:56,757 --> 00:29:58,957
And free. (chuckles)
741
00:29:58,959 --> 00:30:00,759
(applause)
742
00:30:00,761 --> 00:30:02,678
ANNOUNCER: Okay.
743
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:03,843
Rebecca Bunch!
744
00:30:04,014 --> 00:30:06,432
(whooping, applause)
745
00:30:06,434 --> 00:30:07,883
(whoops)
746
00:30:11,003 --> 00:30:11,858
(sighs)
747
00:30:11,883 --> 00:30:13,429
Well, Miss Bunch.
748
00:30:13,601 --> 00:30:15,317
We at Miss Douche were surprised
749
00:30:15,319 --> 00:30:17,019
to see you enter this competition,
750
00:30:17,021 --> 00:30:19,188
knowing you and... and
knowing your background.
751
00:30:19,190 --> 00:30:23,075
(laughs) You are a
most unusual candidate.
752
00:30:23,077 --> 00:30:26,745
An Ivy League education,
a full-time career, and yet,
753
00:30:26,747 --> 00:30:29,421
you still say you have
time to be a, um...
754
00:30:30,083 --> 00:30:33,648
"Mad chill SoCal sun soaker!"
755
00:30:34,804 --> 00:30:36,255
Yes.
756
00:30:36,257 --> 00:30:37,257
Um.
757
00:30:37,675 --> 00:30:40,459
Well... I would say...
758
00:30:40,461 --> 00:30:43,295
that I try to be
everything a modern woman
759
00:30:43,297 --> 00:30:45,965
should aspire to be. Um...
760
00:30:45,967 --> 00:30:47,766
Sort of a... a cross between Beyonc?
761
00:30:47,768 --> 00:30:50,062
- and Sheryl Sandberg.
- Well.
762
00:30:50,221 --> 00:30:52,972
Well, we want to know
more about the real you.
763
00:30:52,974 --> 00:30:54,356
What... what drives you?
764
00:30:54,771 --> 00:30:56,937
Well, I guess what I'm saying is...
765
00:30:57,812 --> 00:31:00,529
Who are you, Rebecca Bunch?
766
00:31:00,531 --> 00:31:02,198
767
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:04,567
GREG: Yeah. Who are you, Bunch?
768
00:31:04,569 --> 00:31:06,285
JOSH: Yeah. Who are you, Becks?
769
00:31:06,287 --> 00:31:07,953
Uh...
770
00:31:15,390 --> 00:31:17,390
- Good morning, Your Honor.
- You don't have to call me Your Honor.
771
00:31:17,392 --> 00:31:19,629
I'm a planning manager, not a judge.
772
00:31:19,654 --> 00:31:21,654
Yes, Your Honor, sorry.
773
00:31:23,570 --> 00:31:26,116
I am Paula Proctor
from Whitefeather & Associates,
774
00:31:26,141 --> 00:31:29,576
representing Miss
Douche Incorporated, LLC.
775
00:31:31,717 --> 00:31:34,235
I have submitted my client's
plans for a facility in Pomona,
776
00:31:34,260 --> 00:31:36,218
which houses the lab and
offices of 240 employees.
777
00:31:36,243 --> 00:31:37,876
Miss Proctor, could you slow down?
778
00:31:37,901 --> 00:31:40,030
I understood every
other word you just said.
779
00:31:43,562 --> 00:31:44,711
So, the facility
780
00:31:44,713 --> 00:31:46,124
can be zoned for mixed use
781
00:31:46,149 --> 00:31:48,116
and, thereby, be covered
782
00:31:48,141 --> 00:31:50,091
under the light industrial
783
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:51,332
zoning provisions.
784
00:31:51,357 --> 00:31:53,887
And that is all, Your Honor.
785
00:31:53,889 --> 00:31:54,921
Sorry.
786
00:31:54,923 --> 00:31:56,423
Sorry. That is
787
00:31:56,425 --> 00:31:58,546
all... sir.
788
00:31:58,967 --> 00:32:00,741
(exhales)
789
00:32:01,763 --> 00:32:04,347
Miss Proctor, just going
through your paperwork here
790
00:32:04,349 --> 00:32:06,929
and I don't see an
esquire behind your name.
791
00:32:08,577 --> 00:32:09,793
Um...
792
00:32:10,405 --> 00:32:12,390
Uh...
793
00:32:12,415 --> 00:32:13,747
You're not an attorney, are you?
794
00:32:14,288 --> 00:32:16,116
Um...
795
00:32:16,468 --> 00:32:18,468
Then who are you, Miss Proctor?
796
00:32:18,697 --> 00:32:20,905
Um...
797
00:32:20,963 --> 00:32:22,879
REBECCA: Who... am I?
798
00:32:23,201 --> 00:32:24,835
Yes, we've asked you three times now.
799
00:32:24,860 --> 00:32:30,080
Right, right, um... but
it's hard because I've been
800
00:32:30,105 --> 00:32:32,439
trying to figure that out myself.
801
00:32:32,678 --> 00:32:34,155
Um...
802
00:32:34,461 --> 00:32:36,077
I think what you're asking is,
803
00:32:36,102 --> 00:32:39,070
uh, do I deserve...
804
00:32:39,431 --> 00:32:40,930
to be Miss Douche?
805
00:32:40,955 --> 00:32:43,039
This morning, I didn't think so.
806
00:32:43,182 --> 00:32:46,741
No, I, um... I'm only here because
807
00:32:46,766 --> 00:32:48,516
because of my friend, Heather.
808
00:32:48,823 --> 00:32:50,239
She's right there, yeah.
809
00:32:50,264 --> 00:32:52,431
She reminded me of why
I entered this contest
810
00:32:52,456 --> 00:32:53,872
in the first place, which
811
00:32:54,281 --> 00:32:57,928
was to show the world that I'm okay.
812
00:33:01,849 --> 00:33:03,187
But I'm not okay.
813
00:33:04,707 --> 00:33:06,280
No, um...
814
00:33:07,413 --> 00:33:09,613
the truth is I'm heartbroken.
815
00:33:10,234 --> 00:33:12,215
And if you'd like proof of this,
816
00:33:12,217 --> 00:33:16,336
you can see my, um...
as YouTube calls it,
817
00:33:16,890 --> 00:33:18,755
"Crazy Lady 911 Phone Call"
818
00:33:18,819 --> 00:33:20,952
all over the Internet.
819
00:33:22,260 --> 00:33:23,468
Wow.
820
00:33:23,493 --> 00:33:24,851
(sighs)
821
00:33:25,376 --> 00:33:26,625
I don't deserve to be Miss Douche.
822
00:33:26,650 --> 00:33:27,699
I-I don't.
823
00:33:27,724 --> 00:33:30,241
I-I'm not, like, chill
824
00:33:30,266 --> 00:33:32,350
and cool... I'm just, I'm not.
825
00:33:32,375 --> 00:33:33,457
You should find someone who's like that,
826
00:33:33,482 --> 00:33:34,530
like my friend, Heather.
827
00:33:34,607 --> 00:33:36,741
She's like that, but I'm...
828
00:33:36,867 --> 00:33:38,283
I'm not, so, um...
829
00:33:38,410 --> 00:33:39,693
peace and love. Ugh.
830
00:33:39,695 --> 00:33:41,661
You can turn off the spotlight.
831
00:33:41,663 --> 00:33:42,976
You don't need...
832
00:33:43,001 --> 00:33:44,550
Really, please, don't.
833
00:33:44,666 --> 00:33:46,166
Ple... can you just put it... ?
834
00:33:46,168 --> 00:33:47,367
Okay.
835
00:33:51,469 --> 00:33:52,851
Wow.
836
00:33:54,214 --> 00:33:55,468
So...
837
00:33:56,863 --> 00:33:58,396
who-who are you?
838
00:33:59,452 --> 00:34:01,577
Um...
839
00:34:01,628 --> 00:34:03,006
I'm a student.
840
00:34:03,031 --> 00:34:04,241
Okay.
841
00:34:05,799 --> 00:34:07,466
You caught me.
842
00:34:07,624 --> 00:34:09,490
I am not a lawyer.
843
00:34:10,401 --> 00:34:11,650
I wanted to be one.
844
00:34:11,675 --> 00:34:13,842
I was even gonna go back to school.
845
00:34:14,119 --> 00:34:17,155
Yeah. Um, but that's, um...
846
00:34:17,180 --> 00:34:20,181
that's not gonna work out for me.
847
00:34:20,206 --> 00:34:25,376
But, um, listen, I... I did work
really hard on this case, sir.
848
00:34:25,574 --> 00:34:26,906
I even let my husband serve
849
00:34:26,908 --> 00:34:28,875
raw poultry to me and my children, okay?
850
00:34:28,877 --> 00:34:30,960
I wrote a hundred page brief.
851
00:34:30,962 --> 00:34:34,414
It is really good and it
supports everything I just said,
852
00:34:34,416 --> 00:34:36,577
so if you could, if you
could just read it...
853
00:34:36,784 --> 00:34:37,921
please.
854
00:34:39,981 --> 00:34:41,481
I already did.
855
00:34:45,263 --> 00:34:47,597
And you're right, you did a great job.
856
00:34:48,359 --> 00:34:49,846
Better than most lawyers that appear
857
00:34:49,848 --> 00:34:50,897
before this board.
858
00:34:50,899 --> 00:34:52,148
Most of them just phone it in.
859
00:34:52,150 --> 00:34:53,683
I'm going to grant your petition.
860
00:34:53,685 --> 00:34:54,768
Well done.
861
00:34:55,184 --> 00:34:56,436
Thank you.
862
00:34:56,461 --> 00:34:58,711
If you ask me, you'd
make a damn good attorney.
863
00:34:58,736 --> 00:35:00,786
Paula Proctor, Esquire.
864
00:35:00,811 --> 00:35:03,311
It's got a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
865
00:35:08,424 --> 00:35:11,876
(door opens and closes)
866
00:35:15,874 --> 00:35:18,091
(exhales)
867
00:35:26,384 --> 00:35:29,352
Oh.
868
00:35:30,772 --> 00:35:32,305
I'm sorry.
869
00:35:32,307 --> 00:35:34,557
I just... I wanted you
guys to be proud of me.
870
00:35:34,559 --> 00:35:35,642
You participated.
871
00:35:35,644 --> 00:35:36,810
You should get some sort
872
00:35:36,812 --> 00:35:37,977
of certificate for that.
873
00:35:37,979 --> 00:35:40,687
At least a ribbon, if not a trophy.
874
00:35:41,187 --> 00:35:43,604
That's a great idea, honey.
875
00:35:43,629 --> 00:35:45,496
We'll stop and get you
a ribbon on the way home.
876
00:35:45,914 --> 00:35:48,571
Home, yes, okay, so,
here's the thing, guys.
877
00:35:48,573 --> 00:35:50,867
It's been so fun, but...
878
00:35:51,376 --> 00:35:52,792
I think I need to move on.
879
00:35:52,794 --> 00:35:55,912
But I-I'll still see
you around, I promise.
880
00:35:55,914 --> 00:35:57,130
You're just saying that.
881
00:35:57,132 --> 00:35:58,631
That's just a thing people say.
882
00:35:58,633 --> 00:36:01,167
No, no, I mean it.
883
00:36:01,169 --> 00:36:02,886
Bring it in, Heathers.
884
00:36:02,888 --> 00:36:04,637
Oh. Come on.
885
00:36:07,225 --> 00:36:09,058
At least we still have Heather.
886
00:36:09,060 --> 00:36:10,009
She'll need us
887
00:36:10,011 --> 00:36:11,427
for the rest of her life.
888
00:36:11,429 --> 00:36:12,762
Come on, honey. Let's go home.
889
00:36:12,764 --> 00:36:16,766
Um, no, sorry, I'm moving out, too.
890
00:36:16,768 --> 00:36:17,933
What?
891
00:36:17,958 --> 00:36:19,290
Guys, I won.
892
00:36:21,075 --> 00:36:23,075
Uh... sorry, what did you win?
893
00:36:23,100 --> 00:36:25,418
I am Miss Douche.
894
00:36:25,613 --> 00:36:31,281
It's so weird. I won ten grand and a
lifetime supply of walnut bark douches.
895
00:36:31,283 --> 00:36:32,782
You won something?!
896
00:36:32,784 --> 00:36:34,500
Honey, she won something!
897
00:36:34,502 --> 00:36:36,261
How is that even possible?!
898
00:36:36,286 --> 00:36:39,838
And there's the problem... right there.
899
00:36:40,404 --> 00:36:44,523
Mom, Dad, I love you guys very
much, but you reward failure
900
00:36:44,548 --> 00:36:47,182
and that's why I still live at home.
901
00:36:47,207 --> 00:36:48,406
Also, I like the neighborhood.
902
00:36:48,431 --> 00:36:49,814
So many trees.
903
00:36:49,912 --> 00:36:51,707
Come on, Rebecca, let's go.
904
00:36:52,437 --> 00:36:54,605
We have to start looking
for a place to live.
905
00:36:54,630 --> 00:36:56,012
Wait, you want to live with me?
906
00:36:56,037 --> 00:36:57,320
You've spent the last few days
907
00:36:57,345 --> 00:36:59,228
insulting every one of my decisions.
908
00:36:59,253 --> 00:37:00,285
Yeah, exactly.
909
00:37:00,416 --> 00:37:01,777
You need me... really badly.
910
00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:03,302
But I don't have any credit,
911
00:37:03,327 --> 00:37:04,576
so you're gonna have to cosign.
912
00:37:04,866 --> 00:37:07,116
Hope you don't mind.
913
00:37:07,118 --> 00:37:09,261
I have so many questions.
914
00:37:18,285 --> 00:37:20,175
You feeling okay?
915
00:37:21,839 --> 00:37:23,789
Yeah. Not too bad.
916
00:37:24,238 --> 00:37:26,847
Doctor said you might
need to rest up for a bit.
917
00:37:26,872 --> 00:37:29,839
I was gonna make you dinner
but, uh, I figured you've been
918
00:37:29,864 --> 00:37:32,644
through enough today,
so I'm ordering pizza.
919
00:37:32,669 --> 00:37:35,027
Oh... you are the best.
920
00:37:35,052 --> 00:37:36,885
(chuckles) Thank you.
921
00:37:36,887 --> 00:37:38,470
- (doorbell rings)
- BRENDAN: Mom, I'll get it
922
00:37:38,472 --> 00:37:39,511
since you just had an abortion!
923
00:37:39,536 --> 00:37:41,707
You're a good son, Brendan!
924
00:37:45,062 --> 00:37:48,063
I love you, Paula Proctor, Esquire.
925
00:37:49,199 --> 00:37:50,899
I love you, too, honey.
926
00:37:50,901 --> 00:37:51,900
BRENDAN: Mom!
927
00:37:51,902 --> 00:37:53,097
It's Rebecca!
928
00:37:57,298 --> 00:37:59,488
- Hi.
- Hi.
929
00:37:59,513 --> 00:38:01,043
Oh, wow.
930
00:38:01,068 --> 00:38:03,151
Oh, Go... thank God, you're not blonde.
931
00:38:03,387 --> 00:38:04,920
I thought you liked it.
932
00:38:04,945 --> 00:38:05,994
Yeah, oh, no, I kind of did.
933
00:38:06,019 --> 00:38:07,686
I did. It's just...
934
00:38:07,711 --> 00:38:08,660
oh, it just wasn't you.
935
00:38:08,685 --> 00:38:10,184
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
936
00:38:10,917 --> 00:38:13,422
So, Darryl said you called in sick.
Are you okay?
937
00:38:13,447 --> 00:38:15,660
Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
938
00:38:18,371 --> 00:38:20,621
Look, I know something's
been up with you lately
939
00:38:20,646 --> 00:38:22,112
and I want to know what it is.
940
00:38:22,137 --> 00:38:24,171
Really, I mean it this time.
941
00:38:25,543 --> 00:38:27,113
I just...
942
00:38:31,859 --> 00:38:33,859
You know, I had a thing.
943
00:38:33,861 --> 00:38:35,160
I figured it out.
944
00:38:35,162 --> 00:38:36,957
It's... I'm just so happy to see you.
945
00:38:36,987 --> 00:38:40,667
Oh, God, you-you just,
you seem so much better.
946
00:38:40,692 --> 00:38:42,191
Yeah.
947
00:38:43,003 --> 00:38:45,066
You know, I realized that
I was trying to change
948
00:38:45,091 --> 00:38:47,355
my outside instead of my inside.
949
00:38:47,674 --> 00:38:50,292
I mean, it's exactly what I did
with Josh and Greg, you know,
950
00:38:50,294 --> 00:38:52,894
letting outside relationships define me.
951
00:38:52,919 --> 00:38:55,837
And I'm... I'm not
gonna do that anymore.
952
00:38:56,284 --> 00:38:58,917
Well, that is very wise, my dear.
953
00:38:59,691 --> 00:39:02,386
I know Josh and I shouldn't be together.
954
00:39:02,411 --> 00:39:05,050
And I know that Greg's
in a better place.
955
00:39:05,127 --> 00:39:06,710
Atlanta. He didn't die.
956
00:39:06,712 --> 00:39:08,728
Um... I know that...
957
00:39:09,265 --> 00:39:11,965
but I just wish I could
stop thinking about him...
958
00:39:13,269 --> 00:39:14,968
... and I think I know how.
959
00:39:16,856 --> 00:39:18,087
Hello?
960
00:39:19,876 --> 00:39:21,564
Anyone here?
961
00:39:22,382 --> 00:39:24,110
Greg?
962
00:39:24,980 --> 00:39:26,517
Ghost Greg?
963
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:30,685
Am I just talking to myself?
964
00:39:31,236 --> 00:39:33,737
Great, I hate that.
965
00:39:33,762 --> 00:39:35,274
(sighs)
966
00:39:36,243 --> 00:39:37,532
GREG: Hey.
967
00:39:39,008 --> 00:39:40,336
Hey.
968
00:39:42,381 --> 00:39:43,914
You're still here.
969
00:39:43,916 --> 00:39:46,376
Because you're still thinking about me.
970
00:39:46,401 --> 00:39:48,101
Right.
971
00:39:48,126 --> 00:39:50,293
So, about that...
972
00:39:51,481 --> 00:39:53,397
I need you to go.
973
00:39:53,399 --> 00:39:55,483
Um, I did.
974
00:39:55,918 --> 00:39:57,618
I got on a plane.
975
00:39:57,861 --> 00:40:01,112
No, I mean imaginary you.
976
00:40:01,457 --> 00:40:03,407
I need you to stop haunting me.
977
00:40:03,409 --> 00:40:05,332
I need you to get out of my head.
978
00:40:07,487 --> 00:40:11,097
I understand why you had
to leave West Covina and...
979
00:40:12,001 --> 00:40:14,919
someday I will be happy for you.
980
00:40:14,921 --> 00:40:17,949
But... just for now...
981
00:40:18,740 --> 00:40:21,153
I need you to leave here...
982
00:40:22,001 --> 00:40:23,427
and here.
983
00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:26,647
But I can stay with you,
so when you see tacos
984
00:40:26,649 --> 00:40:30,100
or you watch the dog
show, you'll think of me.
985
00:40:30,102 --> 00:40:32,348
No, I don't want that anymore.
986
00:40:32,994 --> 00:40:34,738
I need to move on.
987
00:40:36,111 --> 00:40:37,973
We have to say good-bye.
988
00:40:39,797 --> 00:40:41,348
Are you sure?
989
00:40:57,268 --> 00:40:58,903
Good-bye, Greg.
990
00:41:03,136 --> 00:41:05,386
Good-bye, house.
991
00:41:11,367 --> 00:41:13,193
HEATHER: To letting go of the past.
992
00:41:13,195 --> 00:41:15,479
To letting go of the past.
993
00:41:15,481 --> 00:41:18,032
Good-bye to my parents and
your terrible boyfriends.
994
00:41:18,034 --> 00:41:21,155
Right. Although, you did also date Greg.
995
00:41:21,180 --> 00:41:22,218
Meh.
996
00:41:22,243 --> 00:41:24,218
All right, what do you
think of this house?
997
00:41:24,243 --> 00:41:27,161
It's 50 thousand a month
and it's in Bel Air.
998
00:41:27,163 --> 00:41:28,912
But it has a bowling alley.
999
00:41:28,914 --> 00:41:30,703
Hmm... no.
1000
00:41:30,728 --> 00:41:33,612
Okay, never mind, it doesn't
matter what house we live in.
1001
00:41:33,637 --> 00:41:35,754
We're gonna have so much fun, roomie.
1002
00:41:35,779 --> 00:41:37,078
- (chuckles)
- Oh, yeah.
1003
00:41:37,103 --> 00:41:38,519
Antics will be had.
1004
00:41:38,544 --> 00:41:39,827
Oh, no, I don't antic.
1005
00:41:39,852 --> 00:41:41,518
- Come on.
- No.
1006
00:41:43,705 --> 00:41:46,242
OMG, sorry, for a second,
I thought that person
1007
00:41:46,267 --> 00:41:48,150
housing that donut
over there was Valencia.
1008
00:41:48,181 --> 00:41:50,381
What? No. Valencia would never eat a...
1009
00:41:53,067 --> 00:41:55,055
Oh, my God, it's Valencia.
1010
00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:56,880
Run, run, run.
1011
00:41:56,905 --> 00:41:58,988
Uh, run. Run.
1012
00:42:08,287 --> 00:42:10,015
Hi, Valencia.
1013
00:42:12,593 --> 00:42:17,437
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1014
00:42:17,487 --> 00:42:22,037
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