Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,834 --> 00:00:01,959
I'm seeing someone.
2
00:00:02,291 --> 00:00:03,250
Someone I met at work.
3
00:00:03,333 --> 00:00:05,208
-Is he your boss?
-No, he's right here.
4
00:00:05,291 --> 00:00:06,792
Ted, this is Pete.
5
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,458
Did you tell him
about Seth Meyers?
6
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:09,709
-Shit.
-He's so great.
7
00:00:09,792 --> 00:00:12,375
Yeah. Dreamy.
I'm talking about Seth Myers.
8
00:00:12,458 --> 00:00:14,125
You got--
You're doing late night?
9
00:00:15,041 --> 00:00:16,333
Okay, let's go meet
your parents.
10
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:17,208
Who's this?
11
00:00:17,583 --> 00:00:19,208
Remember the weekend
that I worked in New Jersey?
12
00:00:19,291 --> 00:00:20,583
-She was there.
-Hey.
13
00:00:20,667 --> 00:00:22,333
-And what am I gonna--
-And you stayed in the same condo?
14
00:00:22,417 --> 00:00:23,959
Can we talk about this later?
15
00:00:24,041 --> 00:00:25,208
(SOBBING)
16
00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:27,417
-Hello!
-Hi!
17
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:30,000
-I wanna know what you think.
-Well, are you wearing a bra?
18
00:00:30,083 --> 00:00:31,375
-Is that your business?
-Mom.
19
00:00:31,458 --> 00:00:34,291
It's my business when you're
sitting next to me in church.
20
00:00:34,375 --> 00:00:35,542
We're outta here. We're going.
21
00:00:35,625 --> 00:00:37,458
I'm really sorry,
and I love you.
22
00:00:37,542 --> 00:00:38,500
I love you too.
23
00:00:45,959 --> 00:00:48,500
Woman (on TV):
The judges were in total agreement
24
00:00:48,583 --> 00:00:51,583
as to who should be
our star baker.
25
00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:53,375
Kitty, I'm gonna get going.
26
00:00:53,458 --> 00:00:55,542
What? Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?
27
00:00:55,625 --> 00:00:58,291
Remember?
Ali did stand-up on Seth Meyers?
28
00:00:58,375 --> 00:01:00,709
Some comics are gonna
get together and watch.
29
00:01:00,792 --> 00:01:02,250
Oh, no,
I'm so sleepy.
30
00:01:02,333 --> 00:01:04,458
I don't think
I can go out tonight.
31
00:01:04,542 --> 00:01:06,208
-(mumbles): Sorry.
-That's okay.
32
00:01:06,291 --> 00:01:07,709
It's-- It's
just kinda...
33
00:01:07,792 --> 00:01:10,500
It's like a comic thing.
Just a me thing.
34
00:01:10,583 --> 00:01:12,166
Oh, I'm not invited?
35
00:01:12,250 --> 00:01:13,583
No, of course
you're invited.
36
00:01:13,667 --> 00:01:16,333
-You're invited.
-It sounds like I'm not invited.
37
00:01:16,417 --> 00:01:19,375
No, I-- Kitty,
I barely want to go.
38
00:01:19,458 --> 00:01:22,208
I just felt weird,
you know, not saying yes.
39
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,750
-Okay.
-I hope it's not--
40
00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:28,417
You don't still feel
weird about Ali and me and the road or...
41
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:30,417
No, Pete.
I don't hate Ali.
42
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:32,917
I just-- If you're
gonna hang out with your ex-girlfriend,
43
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,792
I would like
to know about it
44
00:01:34,875 --> 00:01:36,834
in advance,
because that was weird.
45
00:01:36,917 --> 00:01:38,542
If it-- Yeah.
46
00:01:40,041 --> 00:01:43,375
-I don't have to go.
-Kitty: No, it sounds like you should go.
47
00:01:43,458 --> 00:01:46,125
It sounds
like you wanna go and it'll be fun.
48
00:01:46,208 --> 00:01:47,542
Okay.
49
00:01:49,291 --> 00:01:51,125
-Do you want to come?
-Do you want me to come?
50
00:01:51,208 --> 00:01:53,333
I want you to come with me
if you want to come with me.
51
00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:56,125
Do you-- If--
Just, do you want to?
52
00:01:56,208 --> 00:01:59,792
Well, I don't want
to come if you don't, like, want me to come.
53
00:01:59,875 --> 00:02:01,583
You're invited, yes.
54
00:02:01,667 --> 00:02:03,917
I want you to go
if you want to go.
55
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,500
Is it gonna be fun?
56
00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:08,542
Yes. Yeah!
I think so.
57
00:02:08,625 --> 00:02:11,083
Just a bunch of comedians
in a comedy club
58
00:02:11,166 --> 00:02:14,667
talking about comedy,
that's fun.
59
00:02:14,750 --> 00:02:16,417
What's more fun
than that?
60
00:02:17,458 --> 00:02:19,542
-Okay, I'll come.
-Great!
61
00:02:19,625 --> 00:02:22,792
-Let me just change.
-Okay.
62
00:02:22,875 --> 00:02:25,500
? I'm wopping
I'm feeling myself, uh ?
63
00:02:25,583 --> 00:02:28,166
? Jazz all in my soul
I'm killing, uh ?
64
00:02:28,250 --> 00:02:30,333
Maybe this is
a mistake.
65
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:31,834
-What?
-What?
66
00:02:31,917 --> 00:02:34,000
This whole party thing
just feels really excessive.
67
00:02:34,083 --> 00:02:36,000
-No.
-Right? To, like, do it at The Cellar?
68
00:02:36,083 --> 00:02:37,583
We could just watch it
at my apartment.
69
00:02:37,667 --> 00:02:40,166
Stop it. You need
to start to learn how to celebrate yourself.
70
00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:42,250
You know, part of being
an empowered woman
71
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:45,500
is unapologetically
showing the world how much you matter.
72
00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:48,458
-Anaya: Thank you!
-Oh, then I wore that dress!
73
00:02:48,542 --> 00:02:50,500
I never wear dresses
to do stand-up,
74
00:02:50,583 --> 00:02:53,709
and then I suddenly
decided that was the move for national television.
75
00:02:53,792 --> 00:02:55,291
Oh, that's
what you do!
76
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:58,250
Don't you want to look great
when you're on a date with destiny?
77
00:02:59,750 --> 00:03:01,375
That's why you'd wear a dress.
78
00:03:01,458 --> 00:03:03,875
How did you know
this was happening?
79
00:03:03,959 --> 00:03:05,875
I got my sources.
80
00:03:05,959 --> 00:03:07,250
Pete told you?
81
00:03:07,333 --> 00:03:08,875
Yeah, he's a satisfied
client of mine.
82
00:03:08,959 --> 00:03:10,875
Listen, Ali, everyone
is here to support you.
83
00:03:10,959 --> 00:03:13,458
-Come on,
this is a big night! -This is your night!
84
00:03:13,542 --> 00:03:15,625
It's not that big of a deal,
guys, really.
85
00:03:15,709 --> 00:03:17,041
Well, you know,
it could be.
86
00:03:17,125 --> 00:03:19,417
With the right help,
with the right support system,
87
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,500
you could take this
and turn it into something big.
88
00:03:21,583 --> 00:03:23,500
You're gonna need somebody
on your team, okay?
89
00:03:23,583 --> 00:03:25,208
You can't represent yourself.
90
00:03:25,291 --> 00:03:27,333
What if Whitney Houston sang
"The Star-Spangled Banner"
91
00:03:27,417 --> 00:03:28,875
and nobody told
anybody about it?
92
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:31,083
What if Prince did
the halftime show at the Super Bowl
93
00:03:31,166 --> 00:03:33,417
and nobody ever saw it?
Where would we be now?
94
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:35,792
I don't really think
managers do as much
95
00:03:35,875 --> 00:03:38,250
-as you think
managers do. -But they could.
96
00:03:38,333 --> 00:03:40,208
I could introduce you
to Scott Disick.
97
00:03:40,291 --> 00:03:41,709
I just met him
at a rave.
98
00:03:41,792 --> 00:03:43,000
-All right.
-(crowd laughing)
99
00:03:43,083 --> 00:03:45,417
I had a heart attack
in February, and, um,
100
00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:48,041
I don't even like the fact
that I have to tell people I had a heart attack.
101
00:03:48,125 --> 00:03:50,083
Like, I wish, you know,
I'm supposed to be famous,
102
00:03:50,166 --> 00:03:53,583
you know, but it's, like,
I'm famous but nobody knows.
103
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:56,750
Like, I'm famous
but nobody cares. That's been my problem.
104
00:03:56,834 --> 00:03:58,667
I'm famous, but I've been famous
too many times back
105
00:03:58,750 --> 00:04:01,083
and then unfamous
and then famous again.
106
00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:04,000
And after a while, people are
just over it, unfortunately.
107
00:04:04,083 --> 00:04:06,041
Like, in this neighborhood--
true story--
108
00:04:06,125 --> 00:04:08,250
these guys were bringing
a couch up a stoop, like,
109
00:04:08,333 --> 00:04:10,417
and they recognized me,
knew my name, 'cause I'm famous.
110
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:13,291
Guy goes, "Colin Quinn--"
he starts dropping his--
111
00:04:13,375 --> 00:04:16,625
-"Grab the other end
for a second." -(audience laughing)
112
00:04:16,709 --> 00:04:18,458
That's not how you speak
to famous people, folks.
113
00:04:18,542 --> 00:04:20,750
You understand?
You're supposed to be a little reverent.
114
00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:24,125
Nobody's ever like,
"Hey, Rihanna, you got jumper cables?"
115
00:04:24,208 --> 00:04:25,834
(audience laughing)
116
00:04:27,583 --> 00:04:29,583
-Is that her?
-Yeah.
117
00:04:29,667 --> 00:04:32,625
-She's not mousy!
-Shh, don't say that.
118
00:04:32,709 --> 00:04:35,250
-Hi, Ali! Hi!
-Oh my God. Hey, hi!
119
00:04:35,333 --> 00:04:37,792
-So nice to finally meet you.
-So nice to meet you!
120
00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:39,291
-It's Kat?
-Yes!
121
00:04:39,375 --> 00:04:41,667
-Yes, hi. I was worried
I was hugging a stranger. -Hi!
122
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:44,375
-No, this is Kat. Hi, hi.
-Hi, hi. You are Pete.
123
00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:46,291
-Still Pete, yes.
-Yes. Pete in a hat.
124
00:04:46,375 --> 00:04:47,917
-How did it go?
-It was good.
125
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,125
-Good? Great?
-Yeah, it was-- Yeah, I think it was great.
126
00:04:50,208 --> 00:04:53,625
I mean, I don't know.
it was either good or bad, we'll see when it airs.
127
00:04:53,709 --> 00:04:55,625
No, you're
a stand-up comedian!
128
00:04:55,709 --> 00:04:58,166
-Like, that is so crazy!
That is so cool! -Yeah.
129
00:04:58,250 --> 00:04:59,959
-Congrats!
-It is crazy.
130
00:05:00,041 --> 00:05:02,333
You had a dream
and it came true.
131
00:05:02,417 --> 00:05:05,667
-Oh, well, yeah.
Guess that's-- -How amazing is that?
132
00:05:05,750 --> 00:05:07,667
-That's crazy.
-Kitty: Yeah.
133
00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:10,375
-Um, you guys are tall!
-(laughing)
134
00:05:10,458 --> 00:05:13,083
-I'm like craning
my neck to look at you. -Yeah.
135
00:05:13,166 --> 00:05:15,542
You're both very
tall and blonde,
136
00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:18,834
-and the half-Jewish
part of me is scared. -(laughing)
137
00:05:18,917 --> 00:05:21,667
-Don't hurt me.
(laughing) -Kat: Ah!
138
00:05:21,750 --> 00:05:25,083
-We're very open-minded.
-(laughing): Yeah.
139
00:05:25,166 --> 00:05:28,917
Yeah, well, we don't
want to bother you.
140
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,875
What? Oh, hi, hi.
141
00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:34,250
-Ted: I got you a drink.
-Ali: Oh, thank you. Thanks!
142
00:05:34,333 --> 00:05:36,125
-Pete.
-Pete: Ted.
143
00:05:36,208 --> 00:05:38,417
-It's Ted.
-Wait, you're so tall.
144
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:40,208
You were giving us
shit about being tall,
145
00:05:40,291 --> 00:05:41,875
-but he's so tall.
-Ali: He is.
146
00:05:41,959 --> 00:05:43,875
-What the fuck?
-She's, uh, three talls.
147
00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:46,208
Oh, my God.
I'm surrounded.
148
00:05:46,291 --> 00:05:47,625
That's so cute.
149
00:05:47,709 --> 00:05:50,125
I want to say hi to Estee
in case she leaves.
150
00:05:50,208 --> 00:05:52,083
-Okay, cool.
-So I'll be right back.
151
00:05:52,166 --> 00:05:53,792
-Cool.
-I'm just gonna get this out of the way.
152
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:55,625
-Yeah, yeah.
-We'll just hang out.
153
00:05:55,709 --> 00:05:57,834
-Okay, fine.
-Compare notes.
154
00:05:57,917 --> 00:06:00,125
Ninety percent of people
that kill really hard,
155
00:06:00,208 --> 00:06:01,750
there's something
hacky going on.
156
00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:05,542
-Joyelle: Interesting.
-(indistinct chattering)
157
00:06:05,625 --> 00:06:08,000
Wil:
If you're killing for an hour, you're hacking?
158
00:06:08,083 --> 00:06:09,333
-If you're getting...
-No.
159
00:06:09,417 --> 00:06:11,792
...every moron
in the crowd cackling,
160
00:06:11,875 --> 00:06:13,333
falling over their set
for an hour,
161
00:06:13,417 --> 00:06:15,542
I guarantee there's a lot
of hack stuff going on in there.
162
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:18,250
-I disagree.
-Estee, damn it!
163
00:06:18,333 --> 00:06:20,625
-(laughing)
-Joyelle: Hey!
164
00:06:20,709 --> 00:06:23,417
Then all you
need just to play the devil's advocate.
165
00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:25,500
Sorry. Hi, Estee.
I'm Pete.
166
00:06:25,583 --> 00:06:29,875
-Hi. I know who you are.
-Oh. Um...
167
00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:32,417
I just wanted to say hi
to everybody. Wayne.
168
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,583
-Good to see you, brother.
-Good to see you.
169
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:35,917
Dildo dude
with the dumb hat.
170
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,792
-Dildo dude
with the dumb hat. -Joyelle: Yes!
171
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:40,750
-That's my website dot net.
Dot com was taken. -Take that off.
172
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,291
Wayne:
This is Colin Quinn, by the way.
173
00:06:42,375 --> 00:06:44,625
-Hey! Really nice
to meet you. -Hey.
174
00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:46,875
Um, some of us,
I don't know if you noticed,
175
00:06:46,959 --> 00:06:50,542
we're getting together
to have a screening party for my friend Ali.
176
00:06:50,625 --> 00:06:52,041
She's doing
Seth Meyers tonight.
177
00:06:52,125 --> 00:06:54,500
-Do you know Ali?
She's wonderful. -No.
178
00:06:54,583 --> 00:06:57,083
She's beautiful, she's funny,
she's charismatic.
179
00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:59,792
-She's going places.
-She's great, she's great.
180
00:06:59,875 --> 00:07:01,542
Well, I'll be
at the bar.
181
00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:04,792
That guy's got
little dick energy.
182
00:07:04,875 --> 00:07:06,542
-(audience laughing)
-I know the struggle.
183
00:07:06,625 --> 00:07:08,875
Because when my dad
first came to America,
184
00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:11,208
he used to think the solution
from getting deported,
185
00:07:11,291 --> 00:07:13,417
just pretend
you're not Haitian.
186
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:16,125
That was his solution
if immigration ever come up to you.
187
00:07:16,208 --> 00:07:17,834
"You Haitian?"
(Haitian accent): "No, you crazy.
188
00:07:17,917 --> 00:07:20,625
-I'm not Haitian."
-(audience chuckling)
189
00:07:20,709 --> 00:07:22,333
"Uh-oh.
190
00:07:22,417 --> 00:07:26,625
"I've been in America
five years all my life.
191
00:07:26,709 --> 00:07:30,375
Why you-- Why you say that?
Who-- Who tell you that?"
192
00:07:35,333 --> 00:07:37,959
I'm really proud of you
for tonight.
193
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,458
Thanks, Dad.
194
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:41,125
(laughs)
I mean it.
195
00:07:41,208 --> 00:07:44,709
Nobody works as hard as you.
It's nice to see it pay off.
196
00:07:44,792 --> 00:07:47,000
It's inspiring.
I'm happy to see that,
197
00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:48,875
you know,
the good guys win.
198
00:07:48,959 --> 00:07:51,000
Can you do me a favor?
199
00:07:51,083 --> 00:07:54,500
If the set sucks,
will you just tell me, please?
200
00:07:54,583 --> 00:07:57,333
Because, well, Ted's just
gonna tell me it's great
201
00:07:57,417 --> 00:07:58,917
no matter what
because he loves me.
202
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,208
Yeah, it's not gonna suck.
It's gonna be--
203
00:08:01,291 --> 00:08:04,834
I mean it. I could go
up on stage and vomit and do a curtsey,
204
00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:06,959
and Ted would be like,
"Awesome closer, babe!"
205
00:08:07,041 --> 00:08:09,500
Except, he doesn't
call it the closer.
206
00:08:09,583 --> 00:08:11,000
He calls it the finale.
207
00:08:11,083 --> 00:08:13,709
-Like a fireworks display?
-Yeah.
208
00:08:13,792 --> 00:08:16,166
I'm gonna start
using that.
209
00:08:16,250 --> 00:08:19,667
(chattering, laughing)
210
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:23,500
Can you--
Will you excuse me for just one second?
211
00:08:23,583 --> 00:08:27,625
-Oh. Yeah.
-Sort of worlds colliding.
212
00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:29,792
Okay.
213
00:08:29,875 --> 00:08:31,542
I went shopping
for a dress,
214
00:08:31,625 --> 00:08:34,375
and so he like came
into the dressing room with me.
215
00:08:34,458 --> 00:08:37,083
-Whoa, it's like
two naked Big Birds. -(laughing)
216
00:08:37,166 --> 00:08:39,834
-That's exactly
what it looks like! -Mike: What?
217
00:08:39,917 --> 00:08:42,917
-Hi.
-(hollering, laughing)
218
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,291
-Hello!
-What's going on?
219
00:08:45,375 --> 00:08:47,041
I'm just telling them
about how we met.
220
00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:49,208
-Not all the details?
-Mike: Not yet!
221
00:08:49,291 --> 00:08:51,583
Russell:
Not all of them, but some important ones were told.
222
00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:52,792
-Yes.
-Pete: Uh-huh.
223
00:08:52,875 --> 00:08:54,083
Russell:
And it was just getting good.
224
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:57,041
In fact, um,
was it good for you?
225
00:08:57,125 --> 00:08:59,000
-Ah!
-(laughing)
226
00:08:59,083 --> 00:09:01,208
I just want to know.
227
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,583
Um, tonight, not about that.
228
00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:05,417
(chuckles)
It's about Ali, so...
229
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,542
Pete, don't be embarrassed.
You're sexy.
230
00:09:07,625 --> 00:09:10,250
-Russell: You...
You are sexy, Pete. -You are sexy.
231
00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:12,458
Russell:
Like, own it, man. Own that sexiness.
232
00:09:12,542 --> 00:09:15,083
-Yeah, you got that swerve.
-Russell: Yeah, man.
233
00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:16,625
This is great.
234
00:09:16,709 --> 00:09:18,542
-(all laughing)
-Not that good, Pete.
235
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:20,291
Pete:
Seriously though? Seriously,
236
00:09:20,375 --> 00:09:22,417
I was gonna get a drink,
and it looks like
237
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:25,291
maybe you'd like
a sparkling water?
238
00:09:25,375 --> 00:09:27,583
-Do you want a--
-No, can you get me another one?
239
00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:29,125
Why don't you
come with me?
240
00:09:29,208 --> 00:09:31,959
-No!
-She's staying.
241
00:09:32,041 --> 00:09:34,375
-But I want
to hang out with them. -I wanna have fun with you.
242
00:09:34,458 --> 00:09:36,291
Let's-- Come on,
we'll get a drink together.
243
00:09:36,375 --> 00:09:38,583
Petey, just let me--
I'm gonna stay here, okay?
244
00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:40,458
-She's staying.
-Yeah, you always get her.
245
00:09:40,542 --> 00:09:42,625
-I'm...
-Take your time, man. Let her stay here.
246
00:09:42,709 --> 00:09:44,333
Others:
Oh, yeah!
247
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,125
-Thank you. I love you.
-Thanks for drinks.
248
00:09:47,208 --> 00:09:49,333
I had sex
at a job fair.
249
00:09:49,417 --> 00:09:51,083
All:
Whoa!
250
00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:53,583
-At which table?
-In the bathroom.
251
00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:56,583
In the bathroom?
What, like a union man?
252
00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:58,291
Not a union man.
253
00:09:58,375 --> 00:10:01,083
He was handing out
pamphlets for the Walmart.
254
00:10:01,166 --> 00:10:02,792
(laughing)
255
00:10:02,875 --> 00:10:05,709
-Hi, can I get
a shot please? -Peter!
256
00:10:06,542 --> 00:10:07,834
-Hi.
-What?
257
00:10:07,917 --> 00:10:09,834
What are you
doing here?
258
00:10:09,917 --> 00:10:11,125
Ali invited us.
259
00:10:11,208 --> 00:10:13,375
Her and Jess are like
super pals since the roast.
260
00:10:13,458 --> 00:10:15,917
-Jess is here?
-Yeah.
261
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,083
God, that's
fucking weird, man.
262
00:10:18,166 --> 00:10:19,792
What is weird?
263
00:10:19,875 --> 00:10:21,959
My ex-girlfriend,
my current girlfriend,
264
00:10:22,041 --> 00:10:24,125
and now my ex-wife
are all in the same place,
265
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:26,000
that's weird.
266
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:29,166
Cut the negativity, man.
That's awesome!
267
00:10:29,250 --> 00:10:33,000
You're talking about three women
that you've shared love with.
268
00:10:33,083 --> 00:10:36,166
That's a beautiful thing.
How are you whining about that?
269
00:10:36,250 --> 00:10:39,709
Don't make this about you.
It's about Ali.
270
00:10:39,792 --> 00:10:42,834
And one day, you'll
be up there performing on Star Search,
271
00:10:42,917 --> 00:10:46,125
and you'll get three
and three-quarter stars, and you'll win,
272
00:10:46,208 --> 00:10:48,375
and Sinbad will be
the one frowning that day.
273
00:10:48,458 --> 00:10:53,291
And we'll all be
here on your side, laughing for you.
274
00:10:53,375 --> 00:10:56,250
You got rid of your TV
a long time ago, huh?
275
00:10:56,333 --> 00:11:00,000
No, I just moved to a place
without any electricity.
276
00:11:00,083 --> 00:11:02,667
(patrons clap, cheer)
277
00:11:02,750 --> 00:11:04,208
What's all this, Wil?
278
00:11:04,291 --> 00:11:06,333
Oh, Ali Reissen
doing Seth Meyers.
279
00:11:06,417 --> 00:11:07,333
Ali who?
280
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,250
Ali-- Ali Reissen.
281
00:11:09,333 --> 00:11:10,875
I've never seen her
my entire life.
282
00:11:10,959 --> 00:11:13,000
She's doing
Seth fucking Meyers,
283
00:11:13,083 --> 00:11:14,834
and it's like-- it's like
an open mic now?
284
00:11:14,917 --> 00:11:16,750
-What's the matter?
She's funny. -I mean, they just
285
00:11:16,834 --> 00:11:18,375
-take anybody now.
-It's not my fault you--
286
00:11:18,458 --> 00:11:21,208
No, I didn't know.
I thought it was gonna keep coming.
287
00:11:21,291 --> 00:11:23,959
And now with all
this diversity-- you're diverse,
288
00:11:24,041 --> 00:11:25,792
you can barely talk,
you know what I mean?
289
00:11:25,875 --> 00:11:28,250
You still got a fucking
accent and you've been here like 50 years.
290
00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:30,875
I mean, come on.
I mean, seriously. Are you playing it?
291
00:11:30,959 --> 00:11:34,166
Can you talk normal
and you're just doing it to get a special?
292
00:11:34,250 --> 00:11:36,834
It's not my fault
you're using whiteness in the wrong way.
293
00:11:36,917 --> 00:11:38,542
-That's not my fault.
-I know, I know, I know.
294
00:11:38,625 --> 00:11:40,125
I should've been
an agent or something.
295
00:11:40,208 --> 00:11:41,875
All this whiteness
and it got you nowhere.
296
00:11:41,959 --> 00:11:44,333
Look at this guy.
This guy will get a fucking special before me.
297
00:11:44,417 --> 00:11:46,375
-Because he's black?
-No, 'cause he's diverse.
298
00:11:46,458 --> 00:11:48,375
Hey, you guys,
it's about to start!
299
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:50,166
Um, hi?
Hi, excuse me.
300
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:53,291
Do you mind just
putting on NBC, please? Seth Meyers is about to begin.
301
00:11:53,375 --> 00:11:55,041
Thanks.
302
00:11:55,125 --> 00:11:58,000
Announcer:
From 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York...
303
00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:00,917
You recorded this
this afternoon? You taped this afternoon?
304
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,417
-Today, yeah.
-And now it's airing.
305
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,166
This is the best time
when you don't even know how it is.
306
00:12:05,250 --> 00:12:07,250
-No idea.
-So exciting. How do you feel?
307
00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:08,750
Kind of freaking out.
308
00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:10,959
Colin:
Sure, 'cause everything you do lives forever.
309
00:12:11,041 --> 00:12:13,125
-That's the scary part
about doing TV. -Wayne: Oh, God.
310
00:12:13,208 --> 00:12:15,792
-I did Crocodile Dundee 2 ,
you ever heard of it? -Mm-mm.
311
00:12:15,875 --> 00:12:18,083
Well, anyway,
it was better than one, a lot of people said.
312
00:12:18,166 --> 00:12:20,458
But it's, you know,
people troll you online.
313
00:12:20,542 --> 00:12:22,375
"Hey fatso. Hey stupid."
314
00:12:22,458 --> 00:12:23,875
-You know, forever.
-Oh, God.
315
00:12:23,959 --> 00:12:26,166
So he's in that.
I'm in Legally Blonde .
316
00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:28,583
Little kids come up to me
and they're like, "I know you!
317
00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:31,083
You got Elle Woods
into Harvard."
318
00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:32,917
It's fantastic.
But other times, like,
319
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,041
you Google my name,
guess what comes up?
320
00:12:35,125 --> 00:12:37,625
Not Legally Blonde .
My evening at the Improv.
321
00:12:37,709 --> 00:12:39,083
-Huh.
-Didn't go well.
322
00:12:39,166 --> 00:12:41,959
I wore a pirate's jacket
on a half-hour comedy special.
323
00:12:42,041 --> 00:12:43,750
-Yeah.
-It wasn't my best look, a mullet.
324
00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:45,834
People, to this day, act like
I was Harvey Weinstein.
325
00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:47,917
-Oh, God.
-It was a bad fashion choice.
326
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,667
-Yeah. Forever.
-Right, right. Yeah.
327
00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:51,458
Yeah, here's the crazy thing.
In the future,
328
00:12:51,542 --> 00:12:53,333
you're gonna realize
this is probably a terrible set,
329
00:12:53,417 --> 00:12:55,083
because you get better
as a comedian.
330
00:12:55,166 --> 00:12:57,125
And you're like,
"Oh, now I know how to do those jokes.
331
00:12:57,208 --> 00:12:59,750
Now I know
how not to look panicked on television.
332
00:12:59,834 --> 00:13:02,792
-(nervous laughter)
-Yeah, our point is, congratulations.
333
00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:04,333
-You're in
the club now. -Cool!
334
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,166
You know how many people
want to do comedy?
335
00:13:06,250 --> 00:13:08,542
Colin:
And they don't ever get on television?
336
00:13:08,625 --> 00:13:10,583
I'm just gonna...
I'll be right back.
337
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:12,375
Okay.
It's exciting.
338
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,083
-Yeah.
-Yeah. I would never have a party, though.
339
00:13:15,166 --> 00:13:17,166
-No. No!
-God, could you imagine?
340
00:13:17,250 --> 00:13:21,625
(patrons chattering)
341
00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:39,834
What's up?
Are you freaking out?
342
00:13:39,917 --> 00:13:42,834
Yeah? What's-- Why?
343
00:13:42,917 --> 00:13:45,125
I feel like
I'm not gonna be great.
344
00:13:45,208 --> 00:13:46,834
-You're gonna be great.
-No, no, no. I mean,
345
00:13:46,917 --> 00:13:50,250
I'm afraid
that I am just good.
346
00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:53,125
And there are a lot
of people who are good,
347
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,000
and I'm just gonna be
another good.
348
00:13:55,083 --> 00:13:56,333
Okay.
349
00:13:58,166 --> 00:13:59,917
-Do this.
-What?
350
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,208
Do this with your body.
(inhales, exhaling)
351
00:14:03,291 --> 00:14:05,667
-Is this a Jesus thing?
-It's not a Jesus thing.
352
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:07,166
It's a power stance.
353
00:14:07,250 --> 00:14:09,291
If you're feeling
small and nervous,
354
00:14:09,375 --> 00:14:11,250
this tricks your body
into feeling good.
355
00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:13,834
It works.
I do it before shows.
356
00:14:13,917 --> 00:14:15,917
(Pete inhaling, exhaling)
357
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,208
Can you feel it?
358
00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:18,875
-I can feel it.
-Don't fucking lie to me.
359
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,333
-Can you feel it?
-I can feel it!
360
00:14:20,417 --> 00:14:22,041
-Woo!
-Woo!
361
00:14:22,125 --> 00:14:25,875
I get it.
I feel invincible.
362
00:14:25,959 --> 00:14:27,792
Can I get
another one?
363
00:14:29,875 --> 00:14:32,208
-You here
to see Ali? -What?
364
00:14:32,291 --> 00:14:34,542
-For the viewing?
You here for that? -Oh, yeah.
365
00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:37,000
That's cool.
Me, too.
366
00:14:40,125 --> 00:14:41,375
Wait, who are you?
367
00:14:41,458 --> 00:14:43,667
That's so funny,
'cause I was just about to tell you
368
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,250
-who I am.
-(Kat laughing)
369
00:14:45,333 --> 00:14:46,834
I'm Leif.
370
00:14:46,917 --> 00:14:48,875
Oh, you're Leif?
371
00:14:48,959 --> 00:14:50,125
Yeah.
372
00:14:50,208 --> 00:14:52,750
I'm Kat.
I'm Pete's girlfriend.
373
00:14:52,834 --> 00:14:54,041
Oh, right.
374
00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:55,625
Yeah, I know
all about you.
375
00:14:55,709 --> 00:14:58,083
You slept with Pete's wife
and you ruined his marriage.
376
00:14:58,166 --> 00:15:00,000
Okay, yeah.
Marriages die, Kat.
377
00:15:00,083 --> 00:15:02,959
But out of the ashes rose
the beautiful phoenix
378
00:15:03,041 --> 00:15:05,458
of a lovely friendship.
379
00:15:05,542 --> 00:15:08,250
Does anybody buy
your bullshit?
380
00:15:08,333 --> 00:15:10,083
I can't be
the judge of that.
381
00:15:10,166 --> 00:15:11,959
-Jess! Hi!
-Hey!
382
00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:13,583
This is Kat.
383
00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:16,083
Oh, it's so nice
to meet you.
384
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:17,875
Oh, is it?
385
00:15:20,542 --> 00:15:22,458
I thought it was.
386
00:15:22,542 --> 00:15:26,291
She scared me so bad.
387
00:15:26,375 --> 00:15:29,583
-Oh. Oh.
-My bones are ice.
388
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:32,583
-(audience laughing)
-Kids are rough, 'cause they--
389
00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:34,667
It's a lot of responsibility.
They don't have any money.
390
00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:36,875
I had to buy a bed.
You know where I went to buy a bed?
391
00:15:36,959 --> 00:15:40,792
Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
They don't sell beds at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
392
00:15:40,875 --> 00:15:43,333
I was looking for a bed
for half an hour at Bed, Bath, and Beyond,
393
00:15:43,417 --> 00:15:45,667
-just walking around
like a fucking idiot. -(laughing)
394
00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:47,959
Finally I just asked the guy,
I go, "Where are the beds?"
395
00:15:48,041 --> 00:15:50,458
He goes, "We don't sell beds."
I'm like, "It's Bed, Bath, and Beyond."
396
00:15:50,542 --> 00:15:52,625
He goes, "Yeah, we fucked up,
you know," so...
397
00:15:52,709 --> 00:15:54,083
(audience laughing)
398
00:15:54,166 --> 00:15:55,625
I'm like,
"Is there even a Beyond?"
399
00:15:55,709 --> 00:15:58,375
He goes, "No, but we got
a lot of chip clips."
400
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:02,000
Next up, we have
Saoirse Ronan, and later,
401
00:16:02,083 --> 00:16:05,166
making her late-night
television debut, comedian Ali Reissen!
402
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:09,291
-(cheering, applauding)
-Stick around, everybody. We'll be right back.
403
00:16:13,333 --> 00:16:15,667
Oh my God,
it's Emo Philips.
404
00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:17,125
Oh my God.
405
00:16:17,208 --> 00:16:19,583
-Nice to see you.
-Oh, good to see you.
406
00:16:19,667 --> 00:16:22,000
Does he even play here?
407
00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:23,667
I didn't even think
he lived in New York.
408
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:26,750
He looks like he lives
in a tree. Who is that?
409
00:16:26,834 --> 00:16:29,458
Oh, he's the godfather
of alt comedy.
410
00:16:29,542 --> 00:16:33,125
-What are you doing in town?
-I just saw a Broadway show.
411
00:16:33,208 --> 00:16:36,750
-What'd you see?
-Well, they didn't have a name,
412
00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:39,375
but I gave
them a dollar.
413
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:40,834
Oh.
414
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:44,166
His aura is both
childlike and wise at the same time.
415
00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:46,875
He looks like he rode
here on an umbrella.
416
00:16:46,959 --> 00:16:50,709
-Hi, Emo. Oh, my goodness.
So nice to see you. -(Emo gasping)
417
00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:52,333
You look so good.
418
00:16:52,417 --> 00:16:54,500
Oh, right back at ya,
hot mama.
419
00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:57,583
Oh, this is... It's cool
that he's here. It's cool.
420
00:16:57,667 --> 00:17:01,208
-Right? Come on.
-Oh, no. It's fine. No, no, no.
421
00:17:01,291 --> 00:17:03,917
Tonight is all about you.
This is your night.
422
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,500
Thank you.
It's totally fine.
423
00:17:05,583 --> 00:17:06,875
Do you think
he's gonna go up?
424
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,458
Fuck, I hope so.
He's one of my favorite comics.
425
00:17:08,542 --> 00:17:10,041
-Really?
-Yeah!
426
00:17:10,125 --> 00:17:12,583
I thought you were more
like a Mike Epps guy.
427
00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:14,125
You know, I can like
some real shit, man.
428
00:17:14,208 --> 00:17:16,041
-I'm not saying--
-What the fuck is wrong with you?
429
00:17:16,125 --> 00:17:18,583
-Let's go see if
he's doing something. -Actually, I would love that.
430
00:17:18,667 --> 00:17:20,125
-Come on, let's go.
-Come on, let's check it out.
431
00:17:20,208 --> 00:17:23,125
-Emo: Oh, hello.
-Ali: All right.
432
00:17:24,834 --> 00:17:27,083
Do you mind if I just go down
and watch for one minute?
433
00:17:27,166 --> 00:17:28,500
Wait. You're leaving?
434
00:17:28,583 --> 00:17:30,333
Oh, come on.
I just wanna watch, like, eight jokes.
435
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:31,917
And I'll be right back up.
Do you mind?
436
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,291
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go, go, go.
437
00:17:33,375 --> 00:17:36,000
-I want you to go. Okay.
-I'll be right back.
438
00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:39,125
Actually, everybody who wants
to go should just go, um...
439
00:17:39,208 --> 00:17:42,250
Ali, we're all here for you,
this is all about you.
440
00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:44,041
Yeah, we don't care
about Emu Philips.
441
00:17:44,125 --> 00:17:47,834
-Emo, see? Zero fucks.
We don't care. -Okay, Emo. I don't--
442
00:17:48,792 --> 00:17:51,125
Okay, well, I'm--
I'm just gonna see
443
00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:53,000
if he still does
the voice bit.
444
00:17:53,083 --> 00:17:55,417
It's iconic, so...
445
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:58,250
Um, I'm not here
to see Emo Philips.
446
00:17:58,333 --> 00:18:01,166
I'm here to turn you
into Emo Philips.
447
00:18:02,792 --> 00:18:05,458
Thank you, Kevin.
I appreciate that.
448
00:18:06,458 --> 00:18:11,000
-(audience laughing)
-It's so great to be back in New York City.
449
00:18:11,083 --> 00:18:13,291
(audience chuckling)
450
00:18:13,375 --> 00:18:17,959
I used to live here.
Sometimes, I miss it so much
451
00:18:18,041 --> 00:18:22,375
I'll fill my humidifier
with urine.
452
00:18:25,083 --> 00:18:27,333
Women like courtesy
on a date.
453
00:18:27,417 --> 00:18:28,834
That's so important.
454
00:18:28,917 --> 00:18:31,500
I got in trouble
once on a date.
455
00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:35,667
I didn't open the car
door for her. Ooh!
456
00:18:35,750 --> 00:18:37,458
(laughter)
457
00:18:37,542 --> 00:18:40,834
Instead, I just swam
for the surface.
458
00:18:40,917 --> 00:18:42,875
(laughing)
459
00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:45,959
Hey, guys.
460
00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:49,417
-Aren't you about to be on TV?
-Eh, I got tired of waiting.
461
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:51,625
(TV playing indistinctly)
462
00:18:52,917 --> 00:18:54,959
? ?
463
00:18:58,083 --> 00:19:00,000
She can't miss this!
464
00:19:00,083 --> 00:19:01,000
(laughter)
465
00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:04,291
I am excited about
baseball season.
466
00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:07,834
I love baseball.
Once, when I was a little boy,
467
00:19:07,917 --> 00:19:12,500
I beat up the school bully
with a baseball bat.
468
00:19:12,583 --> 00:19:15,959
Both his arms were
completely broken,
469
00:19:16,041 --> 00:19:18,166
which is what gave me
the courage.
470
00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:20,041
(laughing)
471
00:19:21,750 --> 00:19:24,083
(cheering)
472
00:19:24,792 --> 00:19:26,667
Announcer:
One more time...
473
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,667
-Emo Philips!
-(audience cheering)
474
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:31,250
That was a great set.
475
00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:33,417
-Oh, thank you.
-You're great.
476
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,583
-Yeah, that was amazing.
-Oh, thank you.
477
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:37,542
I was watching it,
being like,
478
00:19:37,625 --> 00:19:39,583
"I don't know
if I'll ever be that good."
479
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:42,750
-Oh, are you a comedian? Oh!
-Yes. Yeah.
480
00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:45,417
-I'm... I'm doing
stand-up tonight. -Uh-huh.
481
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:48,000
I'm making my late-night
debut on Seth Meyers.
482
00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:50,250
Oh, my first shot
483
00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:53,750
was Late Night
with David Letterman, back in '84.
484
00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:55,542
Oh, yeah!
I've seen that set.
485
00:19:55,625 --> 00:19:57,208
-Oh, thank you.
-YouTube, yeah.
486
00:19:57,291 --> 00:20:00,458
I had a four-and-a-half
minute set, and I'm not exaggerating,
487
00:20:00,542 --> 00:20:04,875
I must have rehearsed it
in front of the mirror
488
00:20:04,959 --> 00:20:07,583
200 times afterwards.
489
00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:09,041
(laughing)
490
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,250
-That's the secret,
preparation. -(laughing): Yeah.
491
00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:16,250
Just remember--
Chaplin can be Keaton,
492
00:20:16,333 --> 00:20:19,834
but the Marx Brothers
cannot be the Stooges.
493
00:20:20,709 --> 00:20:23,750
-Hmm.
-Pete: Ali, you're on!
494
00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:27,208
Okay. Thank you,
Emo Philips. Okay.
495
00:20:27,291 --> 00:20:28,667
I'm coming!
496
00:20:28,750 --> 00:20:30,166
Thank you, Emo Philips!
497
00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:32,166
I'm coming! I'm coming!
498
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,917
Oh, gosh, I-I sucked tonight.
499
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,458
Tonight's guest is
a very funny comedian making her late-night debut.
500
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:42,250
Please welcome to the show
Ali Reissen, everyone!
501
00:20:42,333 --> 00:20:44,458
(cheering)
502
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,041
? ?
503
00:20:49,125 --> 00:20:51,542
-Ali: Hello! It's
so good to be here! -Whoo! Shh!
504
00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,625
Thank you for having me!
505
00:20:53,709 --> 00:20:55,625
Um, I've been eating Paleo.
506
00:20:55,709 --> 00:20:57,291
Um, if you guys don't
know what that is,
507
00:20:57,375 --> 00:21:00,709
that's where you eat
the same thing dinosaurs eat, so...
508
00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:04,166
backstage I was snacking
on Chris Pratt, and, um...
509
00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:07,125
he's very high in protein.
510
00:21:07,208 --> 00:21:10,250
I've been eating a lot.
I've been eating a lot lately.
511
00:21:10,333 --> 00:21:12,250
Like, the other day,
I ate so much,
512
00:21:12,333 --> 00:21:15,625
my friend was like,
"Ali, you have a food baby."
513
00:21:15,709 --> 00:21:19,500
I was like, "No, Denise.
I have a gut, you know?"
514
00:21:19,583 --> 00:21:21,625
-She's funny.
-Yeah.
515
00:21:21,709 --> 00:21:23,750
The only time it would be
cool to have a food baby
516
00:21:23,834 --> 00:21:25,291
is if you got treated
the same way
517
00:21:25,375 --> 00:21:28,291
as someone pregnant
with a regular baby, right?
518
00:21:28,375 --> 00:21:30,625
Like, somebody gives up
their seat to you on the subway.
519
00:21:30,709 --> 00:21:32,291
They're like, "Oh my God.
What are you having?"
520
00:21:32,375 --> 00:21:34,208
You're like,
"Had--carnitas with guac.
521
00:21:34,291 --> 00:21:36,333
Yeah, it's
really emotional."
522
00:21:36,417 --> 00:21:38,333
-I like her dress.
-Shh!
523
00:21:38,417 --> 00:21:39,959
They're like,
"Oh, you're glowing!"
524
00:21:40,041 --> 00:21:42,834
Do not fucking
shush me.
525
00:21:42,917 --> 00:21:45,750
Pete:
It's almost over. Let's talk after.
526
00:21:45,834 --> 00:21:49,000
I was gonna say
that I like her dress.
527
00:21:49,083 --> 00:21:51,583
-Yeah, okay. Just, shh, please.
-Jesus fucking Christ, Pete.
528
00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:54,875
I'm sorry. Let's
just talk in a minute.
529
00:21:56,125 --> 00:21:58,291
Things are good.
Things are good in my life.
530
00:21:58,375 --> 00:22:00,000
My boyfriend and I,
we just took
531
00:22:00,083 --> 00:22:01,834
our relationship
to the next level.
532
00:22:01,917 --> 00:22:05,000
-We broke up, and--
-(laughing)
533
00:22:05,083 --> 00:22:07,000
She's so full
of herself.
534
00:22:07,083 --> 00:22:08,166
-Kitty.
-What?
535
00:22:08,250 --> 00:22:10,417
-She's right there.
-She can't hear me.
536
00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:11,917
But it was still hot.
Like, in bed,
537
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,458
he'd be like,
"Who's your daddy?"
538
00:22:13,542 --> 00:22:15,000
And I'd be like,
"Where's your erection?"
539
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:17,917
-(laughing)
- And it was just this total throw down.
540
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,208
He was like,
"Are you close?" I'm like, "Are you in?"
541
00:22:20,291 --> 00:22:22,959
-(laughing)
-(TV continues indistinctly)
542
00:22:24,041 --> 00:22:26,959
Is that joke about you?
That's fucked up.
543
00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:29,208
Oh... no.
I don't think so.
544
00:22:29,291 --> 00:22:31,750
She's got other boyfriends,
ex-boyfriends.
545
00:22:31,834 --> 00:22:36,417
Every time we hooked up,
his penis seemed surprised to be used.
546
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:39,750
Like, it had a real
benchwarmer quality, you know?
547
00:22:39,834 --> 00:22:41,875
Like the underdog
in every football movie
548
00:22:41,959 --> 00:22:44,583
who finally gets called
in to play the big game.
549
00:22:44,667 --> 00:22:47,125
He's like, "Who me, Coach?"
550
00:22:47,208 --> 00:22:49,041
He's like, "Yeah, you.
We're down 40 points.
551
00:22:49,125 --> 00:22:51,041
Now get in here
and make me proud!"
552
00:22:51,125 --> 00:22:52,709
(laughing)
553
00:22:52,792 --> 00:22:55,375
That's it for me.
I'm Ali Reissen. Thank you so much!
554
00:22:55,458 --> 00:22:57,500
(cheering)
555
00:23:00,291 --> 00:23:02,709
Seth (on TV):
Ali Reissen, everybody! We'll be right back!
556
00:23:02,792 --> 00:23:05,792
Oh my God,
it was so good!
557
00:23:08,166 --> 00:23:10,333
-It was incredible.
-Really?
558
00:23:10,417 --> 00:23:12,083
Oh my God,
the finale--
559
00:23:12,166 --> 00:23:15,458
I mean, the whole sketch
was-- it killed.
560
00:23:16,667 --> 00:23:18,417
-Excuse me,
Steve Winwood. -Oh!
561
00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:20,083
Whoa!
That was amazing!
562
00:23:20,166 --> 00:23:22,083
-Oh, my God.
-So, so funny. So funny.
563
00:23:22,166 --> 00:23:23,583
-Really?
-So great. Great!
564
00:23:23,667 --> 00:23:25,792
Ah, that means so much.
Thank you.
565
00:23:25,875 --> 00:23:27,417
-We're talking--
We're blown away. -We loved it.
566
00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:29,208
I would say the same thing,
but it's better coming from him.
567
00:23:29,291 --> 00:23:31,166
He's a bigger star.
It's better credits.
568
00:23:31,250 --> 00:23:33,041
Why does it have
to be about that? Just a compliment--
569
00:23:33,125 --> 00:23:35,458
-Can't we just
compliment her? -I'm done and she liked it.
570
00:23:35,542 --> 00:23:37,458
-Thank you.
-Ali...
571
00:23:37,542 --> 00:23:38,750
-You!
-(both laugh)
572
00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,583
-It was so good. Yes.
-Was it really, though?
573
00:23:40,667 --> 00:23:42,458
-Tell me. Don't--
don't you lie to me. -No, I'm not.
574
00:23:42,542 --> 00:23:43,959
-Don't you lie
to my fucking face. -I'm not lying!
575
00:23:44,041 --> 00:23:46,291
I told you I'd tell you.
It was incredible.
576
00:23:46,375 --> 00:23:48,291
-Really?
-I can't believe that was your first time.
577
00:23:48,375 --> 00:23:50,750
-You're a natural.
-I believe you.
578
00:23:50,834 --> 00:23:54,375
(both laughing)
579
00:23:56,250 --> 00:23:58,166
-You were so great.
-Oh, thank you.
580
00:23:58,250 --> 00:24:00,000
Pete, can I talk
to you for a second?
581
00:24:00,083 --> 00:24:01,375
I have one note.
582
00:24:01,458 --> 00:24:02,583
Ali (squealing):
Thank you...
583
00:24:02,667 --> 00:24:05,458
I know everything
that's going on.
584
00:24:05,542 --> 00:24:07,083
What?
585
00:24:07,166 --> 00:24:10,458
I see everything.
586
00:24:10,542 --> 00:24:11,792
Ali:
It was amazing.
587
00:24:11,875 --> 00:24:14,375
Jess:
Oh my God. I'm so glad it's over!
588
00:24:14,458 --> 00:24:16,417
(indistinct cheering)
589
00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:20,500
Oh, hey!
590
00:24:20,583 --> 00:24:22,500
Hey.
591
00:24:22,583 --> 00:24:23,792
Hey.
592
00:24:23,875 --> 00:24:25,959
(water running)
593
00:24:29,792 --> 00:24:34,500
Was that, um, dick joke
about Pete's dick?
594
00:24:34,583 --> 00:24:37,125
Oh, no. No.
No, no, no, no.
595
00:24:37,208 --> 00:24:40,542
Um, I've actually
encountered a lot of soft dicks in my day, so...
596
00:24:40,625 --> 00:24:43,834
Yeah, 'cause it
seemed like it was about Pete's dick.
597
00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:45,500
Mm-mm.
598
00:24:45,583 --> 00:24:47,333
Okay, 'cause with me,
599
00:24:47,417 --> 00:24:51,583
Pete's dick is always
hard with me.
600
00:24:53,625 --> 00:24:55,625
Congratulations
on your achievement.
601
00:24:59,834 --> 00:25:01,625
(toilet flushing)
602
00:25:01,709 --> 00:25:06,458
-Uh... what the fuck?
-Oh my God.
603
00:25:06,542 --> 00:25:08,458
-I'm like
scared for Pete. -Yeah.
604
00:25:08,542 --> 00:25:10,333
I feel physically scared.
605
00:25:10,417 --> 00:25:12,000
She's going to break
his heart.
606
00:25:12,083 --> 00:25:14,291
-She's going
to annihilate him. -Yeah.
607
00:25:15,166 --> 00:25:16,875
(sighing)
608
00:25:16,959 --> 00:25:19,291
Anyway, it's kind of fun
thinking about how she's going to hurt him, but...
609
00:25:19,375 --> 00:25:22,208
We should totally hang out
with her when they break up.
610
00:25:22,291 --> 00:25:24,792
(both laughing)
611
00:25:27,667 --> 00:25:29,417
Kitty, what are
you doing? Hold on.
612
00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:30,959
-Stop it! Stop.
-Come on. Stop.
613
00:25:31,041 --> 00:25:33,208
-You're in the street.
-You fucking shushed me, Pete.
614
00:25:33,291 --> 00:25:36,417
You fucking shushed me,
and I'm your girlfriend.
615
00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:39,333
I'm the one
that's important, not your fucking ex-girlfriend
616
00:25:39,417 --> 00:25:41,291
-who's on fucking TV.
-Listen to me, hold on.
617
00:25:41,375 --> 00:25:44,625
You were talking during
a very important stand-up set, okay?
618
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,208
Tonight was about Ali,
619
00:25:46,291 --> 00:25:48,000
and you were--
It's rude.
620
00:25:48,083 --> 00:25:49,583
-It's fucking rude.
-I was rude?
621
00:25:49,667 --> 00:25:51,291
-Yes.
-You know what's fucking rude
622
00:25:51,375 --> 00:25:55,667
is Ali telling a joke
about you on national TV, in front of everyone.
623
00:25:55,750 --> 00:25:58,083
-You should be
fucking humiliated. -You don't know that.
624
00:25:58,166 --> 00:26:00,917
You don't know it was
about me. How do you know it was about me?
625
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,250
-It was about your dick.
-I don't fucking lose enough erections
626
00:26:04,333 --> 00:26:07,333
for that to definitely
be about me. You don't know that.
627
00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:11,959
Comics make jokes about
people they care about.
628
00:26:12,041 --> 00:26:14,583
-That's what we do.
-Oh, she cares about you.
629
00:26:14,667 --> 00:26:18,083
That's-- That makes me
feel so much better.
630
00:26:18,166 --> 00:26:19,834
I'm just gonna
let you guys--
631
00:26:19,917 --> 00:26:21,709
I'll let you go,
go back to her.
632
00:26:21,792 --> 00:26:23,583
-Can I explain something
to you right now? -No, bye.
633
00:26:23,667 --> 00:26:26,709
You're my girlfriend,
and you're making a drunken, crazy scene
634
00:26:26,792 --> 00:26:28,667
in front of a club,
on a night that has nothing to do with you!
635
00:26:28,750 --> 00:26:30,500
So, if you tell jokes
about the people you care about,
636
00:26:30,583 --> 00:26:33,959
then what do you...
what jokes do you tell about me?
637
00:26:34,041 --> 00:26:36,125
I don't. I don't do
jokes about you.
638
00:26:36,208 --> 00:26:37,792
Is that what you want?
I don't do any jokes--
639
00:26:37,875 --> 00:26:39,417
-You're a fucking liar.
-I don't do any jokes--
640
00:26:39,500 --> 00:26:40,917
-Tell me what
jokes you tell. -Jesus.
641
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:42,792
-Tell me what jokes
you say about me. -No!
642
00:26:42,875 --> 00:26:44,750
I'm not doing my act
for you in the road,
643
00:26:44,834 --> 00:26:46,875
-while you're making a scene.
-Oh, you're not gonna do your shitty little act?
644
00:26:46,959 --> 00:26:48,625
Do it. You can't get
into The Cellar.
645
00:26:48,709 --> 00:26:51,667
Tell me a fucking joke
outside of The Cellar, Pete.
646
00:26:57,041 --> 00:26:59,083
My girlfriend loves dildos.
647
00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:01,208
Sometimes she says
she's not in the mood,
648
00:27:01,291 --> 00:27:03,041
and then I hear her
sneak off into the bathroom
649
00:27:03,125 --> 00:27:05,542
and it sounds like
a helicopter leaving Saigon.
650
00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:11,792
Did you tell that joke
while you were fucking her in New Jersey?
651
00:27:11,875 --> 00:27:14,667
I didn't...
I didn't cheat on you.
652
00:27:14,750 --> 00:27:16,458
I've never-- I've never even
thought about cheating.
653
00:27:16,542 --> 00:27:20,083
I have eyeballs
and I can see everything that's going on!
654
00:27:22,959 --> 00:27:26,375
I see everything!
655
00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:32,417
-I know what's up, Pete.
-What's up?
656
00:27:33,166 --> 00:27:35,083
-What's up? What's up?
-(mocking): What's up?
657
00:27:35,166 --> 00:27:36,834
-What's up?
-What's going on?
658
00:27:36,917 --> 00:27:40,625
(with deaf accent):
Do you understand the words I'm saying right now?
659
00:27:40,709 --> 00:27:42,333
Jesus.
660
00:27:42,417 --> 00:27:43,750
What the fuck
are you doing?
661
00:27:43,834 --> 00:27:45,083
What do you mean
what the fuck am I doing?
662
00:27:45,166 --> 00:27:46,500
You can't do deaf--
What are you--
663
00:27:46,583 --> 00:27:48,250
Why can't I do it,
comedy police?
664
00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:49,834
Why can't I do
fucking deaf voice?
665
00:27:49,917 --> 00:27:52,291
You sound like a bully
in an '80s movie.
666
00:27:52,375 --> 00:27:55,750
Well, you're... You suck!
667
00:27:55,834 --> 00:27:58,166
You're a shitty boyfriend.
668
00:27:59,625 --> 00:28:01,875
And you're
an even shittier comic.
669
00:28:01,959 --> 00:28:04,125
Okay, can you get
out of the street?
670
00:28:04,208 --> 00:28:06,417
-You're a shitty joke.
-Can you get out of the street, please?
671
00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:08,875
You get out
of the street!
672
00:28:08,959 --> 00:28:13,083
-Get on the
fucking sidewalk. -I'll do what I want!
673
00:28:17,291 --> 00:28:19,709
Yo, Pete, man.
You gotta get out of the street, dude.
674
00:28:19,792 --> 00:28:22,834
Yeah. I saw a guy
got hit out here like two days ago.
675
00:28:22,917 --> 00:28:24,625
He's fucking dead.
676
00:28:25,458 --> 00:28:27,125
Yeah.
677
00:28:27,208 --> 00:28:28,750
-Sorry.
-Come on.
678
00:28:30,917 --> 00:28:32,875
Babe, you were
so good tonight.
679
00:28:32,959 --> 00:28:35,959
Did you have fun,
my pretty, pretty princess?
680
00:28:36,041 --> 00:28:37,625
-I did.
-Good.
681
00:28:37,709 --> 00:28:40,917
Now, if I can just
find the pin drop of where my car is.
682
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,083
-Where'd you park?
-Like five blocks.
683
00:28:43,166 --> 00:28:45,250
I'm going to walk
her to her Fiat.
684
00:28:45,333 --> 00:28:46,667
-No.
-I am.
685
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,208
-All right.
-Be right back.
686
00:28:49,291 --> 00:28:50,917
He really is the best.
Come on.
687
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,125
I don't deserve him.
688
00:28:55,834 --> 00:28:58,417
-Ah. Hi, hi.
-Hey.
689
00:28:58,500 --> 00:29:00,250
-Great set.
-Thank you.
690
00:29:00,333 --> 00:29:01,917
Everything you
wanted it to be.
691
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:03,709
Yeah, it was good.
692
00:29:03,792 --> 00:29:06,083
Hey, congrats.
I'm gonna go get started on that action plan.
693
00:29:06,166 --> 00:29:09,500
Okay, yeah. I didn't
ask you to do that.
694
00:29:11,291 --> 00:29:12,250
(sighs)
695
00:29:12,333 --> 00:29:13,834
Where's Kat?
696
00:29:13,917 --> 00:29:16,250
Kat and I just had
a really big fight,
697
00:29:16,333 --> 00:29:18,125
in the middle
of the street.
698
00:29:18,208 --> 00:29:19,917
Oh, shit.
699
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:24,000
And it ended with her screaming
about your penis joke.
700
00:29:25,792 --> 00:29:28,709
Yeah, I know.
701
00:29:28,792 --> 00:29:31,625
She kind of cornered me
in the bathroom.
702
00:29:31,709 --> 00:29:36,166
-She confronted me
after my set about the joke. -For fuck's sake, really?
703
00:29:36,250 --> 00:29:38,250
I don't think
she liked it.
704
00:29:38,333 --> 00:29:40,083
I was made
aware of that.
705
00:29:40,166 --> 00:29:41,667
She's scary.
I didn't know!
706
00:29:41,750 --> 00:29:44,750
-Maybe she was just upset.
-She did deaf voice to me.
707
00:29:44,834 --> 00:29:46,458
-Just now.
-What?
708
00:29:46,542 --> 00:29:48,875
-In front of-- People were
watching and she did-- -What does that mean?
709
00:29:48,959 --> 00:29:51,959
-(with deaf accent): Do you--
-No! Stop. I get it, I get it.
710
00:29:52,041 --> 00:29:53,834
It was horrifying.
711
00:29:54,625 --> 00:29:56,500
People say dumb shit
when they're fighting.
712
00:29:56,583 --> 00:29:58,291
Not in deaf voice,
they don't.
713
00:29:58,375 --> 00:29:59,417
Yeah.
714
00:30:00,792 --> 00:30:02,792
I think I'm in
over my head.
715
00:30:04,125 --> 00:30:05,250
I'm sorry.
716
00:30:06,291 --> 00:30:08,250
-Okay.
-Um...
717
00:30:08,333 --> 00:30:11,166
Well, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go.
718
00:30:11,250 --> 00:30:13,792
-Okay.
-I gotta go find Ted.
719
00:30:16,083 --> 00:30:17,875
I really am sorry.
720
00:30:21,625 --> 00:30:24,417
Okay. All right.
721
00:30:24,500 --> 00:30:27,041
(R&B song playing)
722
00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:39,917
? Why is it so hard
to accept the party is over? ?
723
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:41,667
? You came with
your new friends ?
724
00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:43,375
? And her mom jeans
and her new Vans ?
725
00:30:43,458 --> 00:30:46,333
? And she's perfect
and I hate it ?
726
00:30:46,417 --> 00:30:47,750
? O h so glad you made it ?
727
00:30:47,834 --> 00:30:49,792
? I'm so glad
you could come by ?
728
00:30:49,875 --> 00:30:52,792
? Somebody get the tacos,
somebody spark the blunt ?
729
00:30:52,875 --> 00:30:55,625
? Let's start the Narcos
off at episode one ?
730
00:30:55,709 --> 00:30:57,417
-? Bring the gin ?
-? Got the juice ?
731
00:30:57,500 --> 00:30:59,000
-? Bring the sin ?
-? Got that too ?
732
00:30:59,083 --> 00:31:02,375
? Whoa, just shut up
know you're my favorite ?
733
00:31:02,458 --> 00:31:05,875
? Am I warm
enough for ya? ?
734
00:31:05,959 --> 00:31:08,041
? Outside, baby, yeah ?
735
00:31:08,125 --> 00:31:10,542
? Tell me if it's warm
enough here for ya ?
736
00:31:10,625 --> 00:31:14,500
? Warm enough for ya
inside me? ?
737
00:31:14,583 --> 00:31:17,667
? Me, me, me? ?
738
00:31:25,834 --> 00:31:27,959
? ?
739
00:31:35,875 --> 00:31:37,500
Are you okay?
740
00:31:38,834 --> 00:31:41,041
I'm funnier
than that whore.
741
00:31:46,250 --> 00:31:47,667
Go to sleep.
742
00:31:54,792 --> 00:31:56,875
(phone vibrating)
743
00:32:04,500 --> 00:32:07,125
? ?
744
00:32:07,208 --> 00:32:12,000
? Warm enough for ya
outside, baby, yeah ?
745
00:32:12,083 --> 00:32:14,291
? Tell me if it's warm
enough here for ya ?
746
00:32:14,375 --> 00:32:21,333
? Warm enough for ya
inside me, me, me, me? ?
747
00:32:21,417 --> 00:32:26,166
? Warm enough for ya
outside, baby, yeah ?
748
00:32:26,250 --> 00:32:28,583
? Tell me if it's warm
enough here for ya ?
749
00:32:28,667 --> 00:32:32,083
? Warm enough
outside, inside ?
750
00:32:32,166 --> 00:32:35,458
? Warm enough
outside, inside ?
751
00:32:35,542 --> 00:32:40,083
? Warm enough
outside, inside ?
752
00:32:40,166 --> 00:32:43,667
? Me-me-me-me,
me-me-me ?
753
00:32:43,750 --> 00:32:49,166
? Oh, whoa, is it warm
enough outside, inside? ?
754
00:32:49,250 --> 00:32:51,375
? ?
755
00:33:07,417 --> 00:33:09,542
? ?
756
00:33:09,592 --> 00:33:14,142
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
58557
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
