Original subtitles

"Between two groups of people

"who want to make inconsistent kinds of worlds,

I see no remedy but force."

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

There was a point where all I saw were feathers.

Then I started swinging.

And then I hit something and heard someone fall.

Could've been somebody from my side.

In 2012, Greendale Community College

was the site of the largest and longest pillow fight

in community college history.

It shaped and scarred the landscape of their campus

and forever changed the lives of those involved.

A health care administration student,

who turned the storage room into a sanctuary for soldiers

with broken glasses and lightly grazed testicles.

A high school dropout and amateur photographer

whose borrowed camera would capture

some of the war's blurriest, most poorly framed moments.

A disgraced former lawyer

whose words would inspire tens of students

to take up pillows and fight,

most likely to avoid an upcoming test.

A loving wife and mother who would prove to be

as skilled at kicking asses as she was at wiping them.

The dried-up heir to a moist towelette empire,

who would prove to be the dried-up heir

to a moist towelette empire.

The sensitive high school quarterback

who became commander in chief of his own army.

He would later say of the war, "it was awesome,

but also, it wasn't."

And his socially dysfunctional best friend

turned bitter rival,

an uncompromising tactical mastermind feared by all

yet unable to pay parking tickets

or know left from right

without mouthing the pledge of allegiance.

The rift in their friendship would carry their school

into a conflict lasting days,

costing hundreds of dollars

and resulting in over 12 transfers.

There are people who say, "I don't get it.

So it was a pillow fight,"

to which I say...

"You weren't there."

Sync and corrections by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com

Jeffrey, you have to come mediate Troy and Abed.

They look up to you. What's with the film crew?

- Don't worry about that. - Oh, I am worried about that.

If there's one thing I've learned at this place,

it's that a film crew means disaster.

Okay, they are here to document

Greendale's guinness record,

which you are going to make sure we get

by talking to Troy and Abed right now.

- This is your fault. - No, it's your fault.

- This is your fault. - Your fault.

- Your fault! - Your fault!

Okay, I've got good news for both of you.

Neither of you has to apologize because what you're doing

is equally ridiculous.

So here's the solution I'm pitching.

I'm giving you two imaginary Friendship Hats

that automatically make you friends again.

Are we done?

Sorry, Jeff, but this matter's a little more serious than that.

No, it's not.

You're children acting like grown-ups.

I mean, it's fine.

But just don't pretend it's anything but that.

Troy Barnes and Abed Nadir.

Friends so close, they once graced the cover

of Friends Weekly, a pretend magazine of their own design.

Earlier that day, they begin construction

on a fort made of pillows.

Its name... New Fluffytown.

Its goal... to be a newer, fluffier town than Fluffytown,

their blanket fort from the previous year.

New Fluffytown don't care who you were.

You were surrounded by softness.

It's just like crawling through a hug.

Well...

I guess all hugs have to come to an end.

When an opportunity arises for a world record,

it creates a rift.

Troy wants to go for the record

using blankets for rapid expansion.

Abed insists on pillows,

declaring world records to be dumb.

Troy declares the Declaration Lame,

stating that thinking records are dumb is stupid.

He secedes from New Fluffytown

and begins constructing Blanketsburg

on the other side of the campus.

Abed renames his fort Pillowtown

for the sake of conceptual symmetry.

Both forts expand until both are in each other's way.

Study Room "F," 3:00 P.M.,

things quickly reach their boiling point.

- You stand back. - Watch it, Star-Burns.

My name is Alex!

A softly lobbed, hypoallergenic sealy select

in a floral print case

collides with a load-bearing broomstick,

collapsing a queen-sized section of blanket fort.

It was later named "The Study Room Kerfuffle."

Protect everyone! Protect Pillowtown!

Jeffrey, you're not mediating.

Ah, Dean, what do you want me to say, huh?

I mean, some conflicts are so pointless,

they just have to play themselves out.

Fine.

The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg

says Pillowtown has until midnight tonight

to surrender its territory.

The United Forts of Pillowtown declines the request.

It's not a request.

I'm giving you an "all tomato,"

meaning that you give me the whole tomato or else.

Or else what?

See you at midnight.

Oh, my God.

Do people go to classes?

The deadline divides friendships,

families, even study groups.

Pierce Hawthorne takes Troy's side,

citing that Abed is weirder and more foreign.

Shirley Bennett decides her allegiance

in a text message to her husband.

I'll be home late, sugar boots.

Abed hurt Troy's feelings by being a robot.

Need to stay with my boy to make sure

Britta doesn't put him on the weed.

Please record forensic files.

Troy appoints Shirley Bennett

as his second-in-command, at which point,

Pierce switches to Abed's side.

There were those who thought that midnight might come and go,

and nothing would happen.

Well, I was in Korea, and I knew the sound of crap

when it was about to hit the fan.

You know what it sounded like?

That's right, Jackson.

Silence.

Midnight comes, and a campus holds its breath.

I know there's a lot of blanket stackers

and pillow packers out there

thinking it's going to go down tonight.

But there's a lot of us folks from the scene in between

saying, "Hey, we're all looking to chill out

and lay down with someone special."

This is real Neil with pipes of steel,

signing of with the smooth sounds

of daybreak.

I gotta get this on film.

I am straight trouncing spaz in go fish.

Dude, what are you doing?

Don't record this.

Wait, did you hear that?

What the hell is that?

12:07 A.M.

Blanketsburg soldiers charge a pillow fort in the library.

The pillowtonians move quickly to defend.

There were no rules in that first battle.

You hit someone, and if they went down,

you stop hitting them.

Call that Common Courtesy.

Then what if they get up?

Do you maybe keep hitting them till they learn to stay down?

We call that Common Sense.

The battle lasts six minutes.

No territory changes hands.

Blanketsburg has drawn first blood.

Pillowtown will draw First Blood part II.

Citizens of Blanketsburg, I ask you now

to prepare for war.

And I ask Garrett to please fix the microphone on my laptop.

It's doing that thing again.

The United Forts of Pillowtown

and the Legit Republic of Blanketsburg

are at war,

each side attempting to kick down and replace the other.

The unmoving line between them

is a campus-wide, fleece-laden strip

of pillow-to-pillow combat.

Britta Perry attempts to capture

the war's sublime indignities on film.

Unfortunately for Britta

and millions of photographers like her,

just because something is in black and white

doesn't mean it's good.

Rules are agreed upon, but casualties are inevitable.

Outside the science lab,

at the Battle of Big Bulletin Board,

Pierce Hawthorne suffers broken glasses,

a hurt finger, and erectile dysfunction,

which, in his words, had never happened ever

before that battle.

"Pillows, but no sleep.

"Feathers, but no birds.

"Pajamas without children.

"Violence without purpose.

I saw mommy kissing Exxon Mobil."

Amanda Johnson.

Poet by choice, lesbian by birth.

Even Jeff Winger, who, before the war,

lacked interest in it, has now found a leading role.

Soldiers of Blanketsburg,

we fight not because we want war.

We fight,

- that we might gain peace! - Yeah!

Winger's critics suggest

he merely improvised hot-button patriotic dogma

in a Ferris Bueller-ian attempt to delay schoolwork.

Winger decries the accusation as,

"A slanderous betrayal akin to 9/11."

Later after the war,

he would refer to the theory as "essentially accurate."

Annie Edison provides humanitarian relief

for both sides.

Her text conversations with Jeff Winger give us a glimpse

beneath the cushions of war to the lost pennies

and grody q-tips of war's emotional toll.

"Jeff, heard from one of Troy's soldiers about a speech

"you gave to troops at the blanket fort.

"Wish this war could be over.

But proud of you for taking a stance."

Text message.

Annie Edison.

"Thank you, Annie.

"I'm proud of you too and of us all.

"Also with the nightmare would end.

But using what I'm given to give what I can."

Jeff Winger.

"Jeff, just heard from one of Abed's soldiers

"that you gave an identical speech to troops at Pillowtown.

"WTF? Sad face.

Special icon of a downward thumb."

"Annie, okay, you caught me.

"I prefer war to homework.

"How do you do that little thumb icon?

I can't find it on my phone."

Jeff Winger.

"Jeff, you're disgusting.

"Troy and Abed's friendship is at stake.

"You can buy special icons and packages at the app store.

Piece of Sushi, birthday cake, stop sign, snowman, umbrella."

Annie Edison.

Pierce Hawthorne, humiliated

in the Battle of Big Bulletin Board,

wants a chance to redeem himself.

I'm working on something. Look at this.

You can build this?

You just give me the pillows.

I hope to God we'll never have to use it.

Oh, me too.

Rumors of Hawthorne's weapon

find their way to Troy.

Troy Barnes will take no chances.

He turns to Ben Chang, Greendale's chief of security,

rumored to be literally psychotic,

and who has been kept on the sidelines until this moment.

Go, go, go

I'm a killer, man

Aah!

Chang has recruited an army

of preteen security interns

while moonlighting at a local Bar Mitzvah.

They were later nicknamed "The Changlorious Basterds,"

like Inglourious Basterds,

but with "Chang" instead of "In."

I don't get it either.

Most of the soldiers in this war

hadn't fought with a pillow in years.

These little bastards.

Pillow fighting was a way of life for them.

One of the interns said they were making necklaces

out of mattress tags.

This is when things get as ugly as they can get...

While still being a pillow fight.

"Crazy war, huh?

"I heard Chang's kids are really ducking stuff up.

"Hey, check it out. I downloaded that thing.

"Birthday cake, birthday cake, unicorn, woman's shoe.

How's the nurse thing going?"

No response.

You guys like pillows?

How do you like these pillows?

The Changlorious Basterds have turned the war

into a chaotic sea of high-thread-count terror.

Under advice from his top general,

Abed sees no choice but to unleash his doomsday device.

You're going to die, you little bastards!

What the heck is that?

He is part man, part pillow...

All carnage.

Pierce Hawthorne has transformed himself

into an unstoppably plush juggernaut.

Guys, guys, let's retreat. Go, go!

"The war won't stop with First Blood part II.

"It will escalate to Rambo III, which should really be called

First Blood part III.

"But the Rambo titles never made sense.

And neither does war."

Abed Nadir.

Facebook status update.

Leonard likes this post.

Why are you ignoring me?

What's the point of talking to you?

Your words don't mean anything.

They're just things you say to get what you want.

Well, that's what conversation is, Annie.

People saying things to get stuff.

Then maybe you should just shut up.

Do you ever just...

Write stuff down in a journal, Jeff?

One you don't show people or use to get anything with?

A place that's just for you to...

Sort out the truth?

If I write stuff down in a Hello Kitty book,

will you like me again?

I'm taking that as yes.

The war brings out the worst in people.

Worse yet, Troy's forces intercept an e-mail

written by Abed to his commanders,

outlining Troy's weaknesses.

"Troy will hold on until he is broken emotionally.

"Fortunately, this will not be hard.

"He gets distracted by loud noises,

"the color red, smooth jazz, shiny things

"food smells, music boxes, bellbottoms,

"boobs, barking dogs, and anyone saying, "Look over there!"

"He's insecure about his level of intelligence.

"His greatest vulnerability of all is his emotional frailty.

"It's incredibly easy to make him cry.

And he's incredibly ashamed of that fact."

Get away!

Unfortunately, the only photographer there

to capture the scene is Britta Perry.

Yeah, gee.

There's a good one.

Pictured here lying down,

Troy's does not take Abed's e-mail lying down.

"Hey, dick. Read your dumb e-mail.

"Really enjoyed it. Guess what?

"You may have been my best friend,

"but we both know I was your first friend.

"And what I know but you don't know

"because you have mental issues

"is that you're never going to have another friend.

"Because... all caps... nobody else will ever have

my patience with you."

Troy Barnes. Four-part text message.

Word got around these two

were now hurting each other's feelings.

And I thought about what Annie said,

and then I thought about

what I might do to make things right.

At 8:00 P.M. of the second night,

both sides are honoring an agreed upon cease-fire

so that the infantry can watch the hit TV show

Ski, Shoot, Sing,

a combination biathlon singing competition,

which was no fun to watch time-shifted

because then you'd be the last to know who won.

During the cease-fire,

Jeff summons Troy and Abed to a secret summit meeting.

- This has to stop. - Tell him.

Me? What about your e-mail?

You weren't supposed to see that.

You weren't supposed to think those things.

Guys, look at yourselves.

You didn't used to be like this.

You were Troy and Abed. Things used to be easy.

He's right.

Our friendship is dead. What?

Yeah, I think we should agree right now

that whoever wins this war can stay in the apartment.

Loser has to find a new place.

Agreed.

Uh, I wanted that to go different.

The North Cafeteria,

named after admiral William North,

is located in the western portion of East Hall,

gateway to the western half of North Hall,

which is named not after William North,

but for its position above the South Wall.

It is the most contested and confusing battlefield

on Greendale's campus,

next to the English Memorial Spanish Center,

named after English Memorial,

a portuguese sailor that discovered Greendale

while looking for a fountain that cured syphilis.

In a fit of hurt feelings, Troy redirects most of his infantry

to the Cafeteria.

They arrive at the same time

as 100 Pillowtown troops.

Just after dawn, the end of the war begins.

Aah! Okay, I'm out.

I'm dead, I'm dead.

I'm dead. I'm dead.

Well, that's it.

I just heard from the Guinness rep.

He's not coming.

He's been fired, in what he described

as the world's biggest mistake.

I doubt that will make the next edition.

Anyway, it's over.

What a colossal waste of 2 1/2 days.

The war has no more reason to continue,

and yet it does between the two that began it.

They just kept fighting.

Like, for hours.

Come on, guys. Let's wrap this up.

I don't want to.

- Me neither. - Why not?

This is going to be the last thing we ever do together.

We can't stop.

Doesn't that kind of solve your problem?

The realization that you like each other so much,

you'd hit each other with pillows forever?

Knowing that doesn't feel like enough anymore.

Yeah. We're grown-ups now.

We have grown-up problems.

That's very clear.

Unless...

You use those magical friendship hats that I got for you.

We're not stupid, Jeffrey.

We know you made those sarcastically.

Yes, yes.

And I will roll my eyes at both of you

when I put them on your heads because that's the way I am.

But that's not the way you have to be.

We might be interested.

Okay, then.

Here's your magical Friendship Hat, and...

- Jeff. - What?

You left the magical Friendship Hats

at the Dean's office.

Right.

Of course. I'll go get them.

So Jeff went out,

and he stayed out long enough to make them believe

he had gone back to the office.

That was a nice touch.

There you go.

Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?

Britta Perry is there to immortalize

the moment on film...

Accidentally while trying to get a picture of the light

hitting a stack of nearby waffles.

Pierce, take that off.

I can't hear you! Your cheeks are in the way.

First entry in my stupid journal.

Today I had to run and get two imaginary Friendship Hats

from an office.

I could've just walked around the corner

and the come back, but for some reason,

I actually went all the way back

to where they were supposed to be.

One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's.

The other was just a little dusty. That was Abed's.

I fixed them up even though I was the only one watching

because I settled on a truth today

that's always going to be true.

I would do anything for my friends,

which I think is how everyone in the world feels,

which finally makes me understand war.

Guys...

I wasn't going to show this to anyone,

but, uh, it's pretty profound.

I kind of nailed it.

If you want, I can read it in the documentary.

That is, unless you get Tom Hanks.

We tried to get Tom Hanks,

but he's too expensive.

So we used the people involved for their own voiceover.

Yeah, and I nailed that too.

Why are you here at the same time as me?

Tight schedule.

- Hey, were you in The Cape? - No.

Wow.

- Mm. - I've got goosebumps.

Me too. Such a great story.

I was on the edge of my seat, and I was in it.

You want to know what struck me while I was watching

- that marvelous documentary? - Hmm?

You can't get quality programming like that

anywhere else but right here on Greendale Campus Television.

Just thinking that same thing.

Pillows and Blankets.

Or any of these other great specials,

A Year in Paris.

The Annie's Boobs Story

or That's Enter-Chang-Ment.

Folks, we know you hate these constant pledge drives.

We know you hate them. We don't love doing them.

We don't like doing them either.

- I'd rather be at home right now. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, taking a warm bath with my wife.

But if you want to help us out,

if you want to help Greendale Campus Television

to stay on the air, keep the lights on.

We are literally this close to losing our...

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