Original subtitles

- Hi, Pierce. Oh... - Hi!

Hi, Percival!

- Hi. - Hey.

Happy New Year, you guys. Do anything fun over break?

Oh, baby Ben got to be baby Jesus

in our church's nativity play.

Andre was Joseph, and Jordan was one of the wise men,

and I was in charge of casting.

I digitized my entire movie collection.

Goodbye, VHS.

Hello, SelectaVision CED Videodisc.

I'm very psyched for the new semester.

Or should I say... Intro to Human Psyched.

[All groan] The worst.

For our midterm, we actually get to diagnose

a fellow student with something.

Don't you do way too much of that already?

Accusational opposition disorder.

Hello.

[All gasp] Whoa.

It appears you've all noticed that my swagger

has a new swagger.

I'll explain.

Over break, I took the plunge

and started seeing a new shrink.

What? Hello!

Hello. Anyway, I talked about my dad,

punched a few pillows.

And she put me on this amazing anti-anxiety pill.

It's really enhanced my self-confidence.

I explained that really well.

Jeff, you can't be on anti-anxiety meds.

What little self-doubt you have is the only thing

keeping your ego penned in.

You are a textbook narcissist.

I'm an exceptional narcissist, Britta.

Oh, excuse me.

I didn't kill my wife!

I don't care.

Stop that fugitive!

I was wondering how long it would take

for things to get back to normal.

Over break, Abed realized he could hire

celebrity impersonators from a service

for his own personal use.

He's been doing it... a lot.

He's not hurting anybody.

He just likes reenacting scenes from movies.

It's unquestionably awesome.

I question it. He spent New Year's

locked in our bathroom with a bad Tom Hanks from cast away.

Abed was the volleyball?

- Well, that makes sense. - You guys, focus!

Where's he getting the money for all this?

Intervention. Intervention. Intervention.

No! You guys need to stop intervening.

You seriously have a problem.

- I said I didn't kill my wife! - I still don't care.

Freeze! [Tranquilizer gunshot]

[Alarmed cries]

Chang, they're just acting!

- Oh. Sorry. - What was that?

- Somebody call the cops! - I've got a friend at the zoo.

Give me some rope, time in a tree

give me the hope to run out of steam

somebody said we could be here

we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

I can't count the reasons I should stay

one by one they all just fade away

3.12 - Contemporary Impressionists Sync and correction by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com

What is this I hear about a tranquilizer gun?

If you had hit a small student,

they could have died!

I wouldn't do that.

I have a heavy flashlight for them.

Oh, Ben!

Look, I have to resort to extreme measures.

I'm a one-man army.

You won't let me have any guards.

We're broke, Ben!

We now get 80% of our electricity

from the apartment building across the street.

Okay...

I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you,

but all you're making me feel right now

is hatred of Renee Zellweger.

Look, maybe you can bring on some students

as security interns.

I'll let you offer them a credit

in safety or math or something.

Thank you, sir.

You won't regret this unless I rise up against you.

I don't know why I said that. Bye.

Huh! Tah!

Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi!

Jeff. Jeff!

I looked it up. I was right.

Oh, that thing about Danny Thomas?

I looked it up too. Weird.

No, those meds you're taking.

Without anxiety to keep your vanity in check,

you are vulnerable to a syndrome called hyper-narcissosis.

Okay, look. This apple is your ego.

Imagine it expanding to the point of critical mass,

taking over your whole personality,

making you an uncontrollable monster.

Britta, how did an apple make that clear?

Imagine it expanding?

- Use a balloon. - I was on my way to lunch.

Why are you trying to take this away from me?

I like having no anxiety.

I'm in harmony with the world.

Looking good, Winger.

Thank you, Leonard, for that compliment,

and for your service to this country.

I'm so confident now, I can pull things off

I never dreamed possible.

Look. Aviators.

Final boarding call, beefcake airways.

I'm warning you as your friend to get off of those meds.

And until they're out of your system,

stay away from flattering situations...

weddings, soft lighting, formal wear, gay bars.

And take those off!

Because they make me look good?

That's not relevant.

Ah, welcome back, Jeffrey. How was your...

Uhh... uhh... unh!

[Gasping]

Oh, my God! Even his shadow!

Look at his shadow!

[Gasps, spasms]

Security internship available.

Come on, see the world.

Well, you won't see the world, but come on!

- Hey, Nadir. - Oh, hey, Vinnie.

Vinnie's the owner of the doppelgang,

the celebrity impersonator service I use.

You look familiar.

That's how we all get started in this racket.

But at a certain point, if you're smart,

you move up to management before the gold mine

of resembling French Stewart runs dry.

- Ah... - French Stewart...

And speaking of gold mines,

you owe me three grand, pal.

Cool. Put it on my account.

What do I look like, a sucker?

French Stewart. But I don't have three grand.

Well, you know what, you better get it.

Because I'm gonna tell you something right now...

Holy crap, you'd make an amazing Seacrest.

Very kind. Thank you.

You're actually a lot taller than Seacrest.

You've actually got a sharper jaw too.

You're actually more handsome than the guy

that's famous for being handsome.

[Grunts] Jeff?

[Groans]

You'll be okay. Just stay humble.

You know what, maybe there's another option for you.

I've got a big event saturday.

Needs a lot of bodies, huh?

And I see some high-value faces here.

Got an Oprah.

- Oh! - And sitting next to her

is a Judy Garland or an Anne Hathaway.

Add a few extra teeth.

Wow, this is rare.

Both versions of Michael Jackson.

And you...

- Fat Brando. - Burt Reynolds.

- What? - What?

- Fat Brando. - Burt Reynolds.

- Whatever. - Whatever.

Look, if you guys work this gig for me

for six hours, we'll call it even.

Sounds fun.

Abed, Vinnie, can we have a minute to talk about this?

Sure. Come on, Vinnie. The guy who makes the fish sticks

looks just like Quincy Jones.

- Get out. - Seriously.

Guys, I'm sorry,

but this is where we have to put our foot down.

Well, she has a point.

Next time it'll be $10,000, and then $20,000,

and then he'll hit rock bottom

and have no one to turn to but Jesus.

I say we let this play out.

I'd love to help,

but playing Ryan Seacrest at a big party

may not be a safe situation for me.

We could actually hurt Abed

if every time he faces reality,

we dress up and play make-believe to bail him out.

Shame on you people.

It's not our job to help Abed grow up.

Abed doesn't need reality.

Abed is a magical, elf-like man

who makes us all more magical

by being near us.

Pierce, who came over in the middle of the night

that time you forgot how to fart?

- Abed. - Shirley...

Who got you a DVD of Precious,

based on the novel Push, by Sapphire,

and a copy of the novel Push autographed by Sapphire?

Abed.

All we had was dumb reality before we met that man.

And he's made all of our lives better than reality.

Now it becomes a little inconvenient,

and it's time to get real?

For shame!

He's right. Sorry, Troy.

Hey, guys.

Abed, we would be happy to help you out.

It'll be a good time.

- Cool. Cool, cool, cool. - Cool.

- Oprah. - Oh, thank you.

- See ya, Vin. - Fat Brando.

- Burt Reynolds. - Yeah.

Thanks for being flexible. This'll be fun.

Fun. Yeah, sure. But here's the deal.

Um, if you guys mess this up,

then his debt is overdue.

And I don't send another bill.

No, I send two guys that look a lot

like Ving Rhames and Michael Chiklis.

And they do a very convincing impression

of breaking your friend's legs.

Their secret is... They actually break them.

All right, impersonators,

our guest of honor is one Howie Schwartz,

who, according to the Talmud,

just became a man. But I have to say,

I wouldn't want him next to me in a foxhole.

- Ha! - Ground rules...

Do stay in your assigned quadrants

quoting lines from movies you are positive

that your impersonatee was in.

Do not leave your quadrant,

burp, fart, cough, hiccup, or cuss.

The obvious exception being James,

our resident Walter Matthau.

How you doing, Jimmy? [Belches]

Aw, you give 'em hell. All right, let's go.

- All my life I has to fight. - Ready to tangle.

Handsome Seacrest, I need you in this tux.

Jeff, do not wear that.

Aw, zip it, white Jacko.

Don't worry, that thing in the cafeteria freaked me out,

so I talked to my shrink, and she doubled my dosage.

What? Jeff, that's insane!

I thought so too, but after I took that extra pill,

it seemed like a great idea.

- Jeff, put it on. Go. - No, Jeff!

Britta, stop arguing.

If you have anything else to say,

say it in a high-pitched voice while walking backwards.

[High-pitched voice] Jeff is in grave danger.

Hee-hee!

Uh, may I help you?

I'm one of the impersonators.

- Which one? - Do I have to say it?

Burt Reynolds.

Uh, yeah, I don't believe anybody hired you

to impersonate Burt Reynolds.

- Why not? - Do I have to say it?

- May I help you? - I'm Brando.

Hmm...

Could be under "fat."

Ah. Oh.

[Chuckles] Totally.

Go on in. [Chuckles]

Bam.

Abed, get back to your station.

I can't right now, I'm talking to Geena Davis.

Abed, we have to do this right

or Vinnie won't clear your debt.

Troy, who cares about money?

Look around. This is why we're alive.

Ooh, fake Lorenzo Lamas. Let's go.

I was so sad to hear of your passing.

Me too.

Sergeant Chang, what are you doing here?

Hey, Annie. Just one of the perks

when your brother's a rabbi.

He throws me some private security gigs

at the events he officiates.

They can get really intense sometimes.

Can you believe some jerk brought a scalpel to a bris?

Now smile.

Why is he out of his quadrant?

[Fake voice] I'm Lorenzo Lamas.

- He's reenacting a movie. - Please.

What movie were Jamie Lee Curtis

and Lorenzo Lamas in together?

See, now I'm just embarrassed for you

because you've never seen Lorenzo's Oil.

Lorenzo is an oil tycoon that gets his address book switched

with Jamie Lee Curtis',

and they give each other piggyback rides.

[Scoffs]

I can't believe... did you go to college?

Yes. No.

Whatever. Keep working.

[Rock music playing in background]

Oh, my God. You are gorgeous!

Would you look at this one.

He's like a Robert Redford.

No, no, more like a taller, hotter Ryan Seacrest.

[Remembering] It's amazing, you're actually more handsome

than the guy who's famous for being handsome.

Skull Cracker 2000. Top of the line.

- Who wants to hold it? - Me!

- That's so cool. - Awesome.

Dude, this is so sick. Check this out.

[Pop, pop, pop]

Any of you fine young men interested in a college credit?

- Sure! - Right!

[Chuckles]

Look, man, if you have a request,

not a real DJ, okay. These are just props.

You look like a friend of mine.

You're friends with Moby?

[Pop, pop, pop, soldiers chanting]

[Pop, pop, pop]

[Bell chimes]

- Jeff! - Oh!

[Gasps] I haven't been dipped like that

since my last divorce.

Britta, you were right.

I can feel my ego taking over. Do something!

Okay, listen to me.

You are not that big of a deal. Do you understand?

You have bad posture.

When you do to many push-ups, it looks like you have boobs.

The tile in your bathroom is tacky.

You were emotionally closed off in bed

to the point where one time, I didn't come up

because I couldn't find close enough parking.

You have an unusually high butt crack.

Thank you.

It couldn't have been easy for you to lie like that.

We are getting you out of here.

Get back to your quadrant. Now!

Britta!

Honey, you were the highlight of the evening.

If it were up to me, you'd win every single award.

There's awards?

Ladies and non-gentlemen,

welcome to Howie Schwartz's Star Mitzvah Awards.

Here to present the first award

are fake Morgan Freeman and fake Bono.

You know, fake Bono, algebra can be tough.

It sure can, fake Morgan Freeman.

And that's why it's so important

to reward those to whom it comes so easily.

The winner for best math student is...

Howie Schwartz.

[Applause]

Wow, these things are heavy. [Laughter]

The award for cleanest room goes to Howie Schwartz.

[Applause]

Coolest skateboard trick, Howie Schwartz!

Howie Schwartz!

[Applause]

If you ask me, I think you're gonna win the award

for most handsome young man.

Nah. Oh, give me a break. It's his Bar Mitzvah.

Jeff, I think that we should go.

There's an award for most handsome young man!

Hello, everyone. It is my honor and privilege

as fake Oprah Winfrey to present the night's final award...

most handsome young man.

Aww...

And the winner is...

[Shouting] Howie Schwartz!

Nooo!

[Pained groan]

[Jeff growling, people screaming]

Aah!

[Crowd booing]

[Growling continues]

Look at me! Look at meee!

No, Jeffrey! Jeffrey... oh!

Oh! [Crowd gasps]

Oh, God, no!

- What the hell? - You wanted it!

You all want it!

Aahhh-ha-ha-ha!

Aaahh! [Boys shouting]

- Rargh! - Aah!

- Grr! - Ow!

Ah! [Woman screams]

Unh! Grr! Ha!

[Growling continues]

[People screaming]

I love you, dad! I knew you'd invite the Hulk!

You're lucky. And your friend's debt is paid.

Hey, Jimmy, wait up. [Belches]

[Dance music playing]

Boogie Nights.

You're fat Burt Reynolds, right?

I'll take it.

Abed, your leg! What'd they do?

Tell me who they looked like!

[A la Robin Williams] Doc, doc! Who's there?

It's your femur bone. He needs some money. He's broke.

Ha ha ha. Hey. [Abed chuckles]

Laughter's the best medicine.

What are... what are you doing?

I'm challenging your entire medical establishment, sir.

Not you.

So we just spent our whole night paying off your debt,

and you're blowing money on a Patch Adams?

It's two for one. We're doing Popeye next.

[A la Popeye] Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga.

Get him some spinach.

I'm Olive Oyl.

Get out!

Are you mad at me?

- No. - Cool.

I was gonna go in the Dreamatorium

and play Inspector Spacetime.

Have fun.

- Abed. - Yeah?

Come here.

I am mad at you.

You said you weren't. We never lie.

- I know. - We made a deal.

October 15, 2009. Friends don't lie to each other.

I know! I lied.

Because you don't like people who tell you what to do,

and I don't want to be one of those people.

- Then don't be. - I have to be.

You have to stop renting celebrity impersonators.

Vinnie was gonna break both of your legs.

I had to work really hard to help you.

But that's what you wanted to do.

Yes.

But I can't do what I want to do?

I guess not. Not all the time.

Sometimes you're just gonna have to trust

- that I know better about stuff. - I don't know if I can do that.

Then I guess you're gonna have to trust

that you're gonna have to trust me.

Well, I don't want to stop being your friend, so...

I guess I'll let you tell me what to do sometimes.

Still best friends?

Yeah.

Still best friends. Always.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

You still gonna go to the Dreamatorium?

Oh, yeah, but I think I'm gonna play by myself right now,

if that's okay.

Cool. Okay.

Cool.

[The Lonely Man theme playing]

Seacrest Hulk, you're the greatest!

Whoo! You rock, Seacrest Hulk!

[Horn honking]

I love you, Seacrest Hulk!

You know, Seacrest Hulk, you're a meshugeneh.

[Car pulling up]

[Horn tooting]

[Engine shuts off]

You okay?

No. I ruined a Bar Mitzvah.

I'm a bad person.

What you're feeling is called shame.

It means you're getting better.

You're gonna be safe again once those pills wear off.

Um, I was thinking...

You know that person that you study for your psych class?

Maybe that should be me.

Uh-uh. No way.

You are way out of my league, diagnostically speaking.

I'm gonna go with someone a little less complicated.

Like Abed.

[Machinery whirring]

[Spaceship engines rumbling]

Hi, Abed.

- Hi. - Where's Troy?

In the other room.

That's okay. There are many advantages

of traveling by yourself.

You can drive faster, change direction.

And the only pee breaks are yours.

- Are you real? - Are you?

This is really crazy.

And inaccessible, and maybe too dark.

Maybe to them, but not to us.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Hot. Hot, hot, hot.

[Suspenseful music]

[Military bugle fanfare]

Gentlemen...

Who's ready to chang the world?

Chang! Chang! Chang!

Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang!

All hail Chang!

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