All language subtitles for American Housewife s03e13 Mo Money, Mo Problems.eng

Look who's clearing the table
without being asked.

Just trying to keep my mind
off my break-up with Gina.

Wow. Depressed Oliver

has just edged out
8-year-old NyQuiled Oliver

as my new favorite Oliver.

I know breakups are tough, but
you shouldn't stay home all day.

You should go out
and have some fun.

You know what
we're gonna do?

We're gonna push your curfew
back an extra hour.

I could use
an extra hour, too.

No.
Why does Oliver get an extra hour and I don't?

Oliver's trustworthy,
and you're not.

-What does that mean?
-Oliver good, Taylor bad.

I don't know
how to make it more clear.

-Hey!
-Honey, we love you,

but you have other qualities
that make you special.

You've seen "The Sixth Sense"
three times,

and you're always surprised
by the ending.

You know why Mom and Dad
trust you so much?

Because you're
always studying.

You're just a goodie-goodie
good grades.

[ High-pitched ] "Oh, my gosh,
I got an A-minus, wah, Cooper!"

Okay, first off, I wouldn't call
Cooper until I was done crying.

And I'm not a goodie-goodie.
I can be dangerous.

Hey, Taylor.
Want to play ponies with me?

-Can't. Busy.
-Taylor's blowing me off!

Taylor,
play with your sister.

All she wants to do is run
the boring Kentucky Derby

with her plastic ponies.

[ As race announcer ] Off
the turn, it's Duffy McSprinkles

with Twinkle Toes right behind.

It's a two-horse race.
Duffy, then Twinkle.

Now, it's Twinkle,
then Duffy!

Twinkle Toes has this
all locked up, but wait!

Sergeant Hooves
has come out of nowhere

and is speeding toward
the finish line!

It's gonna be a photo finish!

And!
It's Sergeant Hooves by a nose!

A 20-to-1 underdog
has just won the Kentucky Derby!

[ Normal voice ]
How is that boring?

♪♪

Hey, I'm thinking about
buying some new sheets

with a three-digit
thread count.

Which ones
do you like better?

I don't think we have the money
to buy anything new right now.

We don't, but I do.

I got a performance bonus
at work.

I'm a little confused.

The money you make
is your money,

but the money I make
is our money.

You're not confused, Greg.
You nailed it.

The deal was you work
while I run the house.

Because those two jobs
are equal,

any money you make
is our money.

Following you so far,

but I feel you're about to make
a weird turn.

But now, I run the house
and have a job on top of that.

That is extra work, so any money
that I make is my money.

Makes sense?
Sure does.

Yes, but while
you're working,

I'm the one
who picks up the slack.

I make dinners,
drive the kids to school,

put Anna-Kat to bed,
and I still have a job.

Seems to me
like we're still equal,

and if that's true,

any money you make
should also be our money.

Time out.

Greg, this is something
important in our marriage.

Before we make
any decisions,

there needs to be a longer,
in-depth conversation.

I agree, so I --

Oh, no,
not with you.

I need to go talk to my friends
about this.

♪♪

So the bonus is my money.

Both: Uhhhhhh...

This is the part
where you say I'm right

and maybe compliment my hair.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Katie,

but having separate finances
is a bad idea.

Can you at least
do the hair part?

I wanted my money
to be my money, too,

but it helped drive a wedge
into my marriage.

And now my ex-wife gets all of
her money and half of mine.

[ Scoffs ] I could've had
a beach house.

The trick
to having a beach house

is not letting anyone know
you have one

so that no one asks you
to stay there.

[ Chuckles ]

Doris, do you have
a beach house?

[ Laughing ] No,
I don't have a beach house.

Point is, Katie, whatever money
you and Greg make

should be shared.

I guess I could pay off
some bills.

No! Bills are boring.

Spend it on something fun,
like a ski house.

I don't have a ski house.
[ Laughs ]

-Oh. She got a ski house.
-Shut up.

♪♪

Here are your pizzas.

Enjoy.

Oh, uh,
when we arrived,

I gave the busboy a wedge of
parmesan I imported from Rome

to keep refrigerated.

Could you get that
for me?

I could go get it,

but then I will put it someplace
you don't want it.

[ Bell over door jingles ]
Oh, my.

[ Door closes ]
Hey, Cooper. Hey, Oliver.

Brie, Victoria.
Cómo estás, ladies?

Muy bien, y tu?

Say what now?

You guys going to the party
at The Hill later?

Wasn't planning on it.

That's a shame
because we're going,

and we were hoping
we'd see you there.

Well, in that case,
we're there.

Awesome.
See you tonight.

iHasta luego!

What in the hell
is she saying?

Hey, good for you, Oliver.

Way to get back out there.
Thanks.

It's been a while since
my break-up with Gina,

and I think it's time for me
to man up and move on.

You're absolutely right.

Girls are like butlers.

You may think you can't live
without Chester,

but then Chester II comes along
and he's just as good.

Your pep talks
are never relatable.

♪♪

Phyllis, Phyllis, Phyllis,
please wake up.

Don't be dead
like the others.

[ Gunfire ]
Please wake up.

Ugh, I'm alright.
I'm alright, Obediah.

Come on. Let's go.

[ Swords clashing,
man grunting ]

What is on your phone anyway
that is better than ponies?

I'm playing this game
called Third Day.

You run around with strangers
on the Internet,

trying to stab goblins
in the face.

[ Swords clashing ]

Can I play, too?
[ Cellphone chimes ]

I guess you can collect weapons
and potions for me.

I'll download it for you.
[ Laughs ]

[ Clears throat ]
See?

This way you can ignore me and
play with me at the same time.

-Huh?
-It's working already!

♪♪

-[ Sighs ]
-Well, hey, sweetie.

How was your breakfast?

Terrible.

Doris and Angela
agreed with you.

Wow!

I honestly thought this day
would never come!

The bonus
is definitely our money,

but since it's ours, I thought
we could discuss how to use it.

Okay.

What do you want to do?

Put it in an emergency fund?
No!

Let's splurge!
Blow it on ourselves!

Live life for a change!

Go crazy!
Yes!

We can fix all the dents
on the minivan.

Maybe do something about
that stain on the seat that never dries.

We're not spending the money
on anything practical. Okay...

We could go to that overpriced
Westport Hotel and Spa.

[ Gasps ]

That's an amazing idea.

We're not spending money
to sleep in a hotel

in the town we live in!
That's insane!

You just suggested it!
I thought you'd say no,

and I'd be the cool
and impulsive one for once.

No, Greg, it's perfect.

Fine, but can you go hard
against this plan

just so I can be
the cool one again?

Greg, we need to be responsible
and save our money and stuff.

Sorry, Katie.

But tonight,
we're splurging on ourselves

and that's final!

We could put a little in a --
-If you say "Roth IRA,"

I'm going to do
a murder-suicide,

but lose my courage
on the suicide part.

Okay. Thanks.

Alright, we're booked for one
night in the Governor's Suite.

The room has free
high-speed Wi-Fi.

I'm gonna download so many books
onto my Kindle.

Why are you packing
an empty bag? For the loot.

I'm taking shampoo,
toilet paper, a towel,

maybe a pair
of wine glasses.

[ Gasps ]
We should bring packing peanuts.

Anna-Kat:
[ Distantly ] Taylor, stop!

Taylor: [ Distantly ]
Anna-Kat, calm down!

Rock, paper, scissors
for who has to deal with this.

Ah-ha!
You have to parent!

Why do I always throw
back-to-back scissors?

I have no sister!

Someone want to tell me
why you two are fighting?

Taylor left me to be eaten alive
by monsters in a dirty swamp.

Inside a game.
On my phone.

I was surrounded
by goblins,

and instead of helping,
she ran.

And after I was killed,

she came back and stole all my
weapons and healing potions.

Dad, tell her
this isn't a big deal.

Anna-Kat,
it's a very big deal,

and you have every reason
to be mad.

-Ha!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why?!

Sisters should take care
of each other.

Your siblings are the longest
relationship you'll ever have,

and you need
to have their backs always.

Whether it's in a video game
or real life.

You got that?

Mom! Dad's trying to force
a teachable moment again!

Don't bother your mother.
She's packing.

We're leaving you in charge
because we're spending the night at a hotel.

-Ooh.
-No, there will be no --

Well, there might be.
It's none of your concern.

You can't leave me
with her!

She'd sell me
for a Forever 21 gift card.

No, because Taylor's
gonna take this opportunity

to prove
she is an amazing big sister.

Just to be safe. Oliver!

Yeah,
what's going on?

We're leaving
for the night.

Taylor's in charge,
but you're in charge of Taylor.

-Why?!
-Because he's safe and sensible.

Hmm. Win for me.

I'll take "screw-up" over
"safe and sensible" any day.

Hey, I'm not sensible.

Last week,
I went out for barbecue,

didn't even bring
a stain stick.

Don't fight it, Oliver.

You come from a long line
of Otto men

who lived boring lives,

but they died in their sleep
in their 90s.

Isn't that great?

Ha!
Your life is gonna suck.

♪♪

Alright. It's time.

Tell the chauffeur to
pick us up and take us to the party on The Hill.

Damn! Bentley's sick.
He can't drive us.

Why is life so hard?

[ Exhales heavily ]

♪♪

Or we could drive
ourselves.

What are you
talking about?

We can take
my dad's car.

Are you insane?

Everyone thinks
I'm a goodie-goodie,

but I'm not.

I'm the type of dude
who's not afraid

to take a dip in the pool
straight after a meal.

I ain't waiting that hour.

What if Mom and Dad
catch us?

No, they're spending the night
at the --

wait, did you just call them
Mom and Dad?

Okay, so maybe
they won't catch us,

but we're 15.

We don't know
how to drive.

My mom drives
while drinking coffee

and yelling at us for being
ungrateful monsters.

I think I can manage.

This isn't you.
No, this is the new me.

Listen, if we want to be
successful businessmen

when we grow up, we're gonna
have to take some risks.

Every CEO of every
Fortune 500 company

took their dad's car out
when they were teenagers.

-Is that true?
-Don't look it up, but yeah.

♪♪

This room is amazing,
Greg!

Greg: Wow!

[ Gasps ]

The floor's not sticky!
[ Chuckles ]

And look, the TV remote is not
on a leash, bolted to the table.

[ Chuckles ]

This is the first hotel room
we've been in

where I haven't gotten the sense
that something bad went down.

Greg! A bowl of real lemons

out of season.
[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

-Come on, Greg.
-Yeah, yeah.

♪♪

Now who's
"safe and sensible"?

Dude, this is weird.

Why aren't you
in the front with me?

Because I've never
sat in the front,

and I'm never gonna
sit in the front.

The Hill, chop chop.

♪♪

Oh, man.

This feels good.

[ Straining ] So good.

I'm in Heaven.

Greg, what are you doing?

Are you holding your breath?
Sorry.

My body is not accustomed
to relaxation.

You need
to let yourself go.

You deserve
to enjoy yourself.

Okay. I'll try.

Oh, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Just getting regular,
legitimate massages in here!

[ Groans ]

♪♪

We made it.

Well done, man.
You were a natural out there.

I mean, you're scared
of making lefts,

but three right turns
gets you there all the same.

[ Dance music
plays in the distance ]

Ooh, there's Brie and Victoria
totally checking us out.

-I got a cooler!
-What'd you bring, guys?

Hey, let's not be too eager.
Just give them a "sup" nod.

How's my hair?

Fresh.

New conditioner?
You know it.

Hey, ladies.

Did you guys drive here
yourselves?

Oh, yeah.

You have a license?

No, ma'am.

I'm not afraid of getting
into a little trouble.

[ Car creaks ]

And apparently you're not afraid
of leaving the car in neutral.

No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Come back!

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Who needs
an emergency fund?

[ Chuckles ]

Mom and Dad
are gonna kill us.

They're not your mom and dad,
and they're not gonna kill you.

They're gonna kill me.

Oh, yeah.

Should we go mingle?
No!

You took your parents' car
without permission,

and then crashed it?

[ Chuckles ]
My sister did that,

and then she got
sent away.

This is so bad.
This is so bad.

There's got to be a way
to fix this.

Wait a minute. You.

You can fix this.
How?

With that credit card
your parents bought that private island with.

Oh, yeah!

To be fair, we bought
that island with points,

but you're right.

Let's throw money
at this problemo.

I'll just buy an identical car
and swap it out

before your parents
get home in the morning.

If we set
the radio stations to NPR

and throw some compression socks
in the glove box,

that might actually work.

♪♪

Mmm,
hotel macadamia nuts.

I did it. Gonna need
a whole new bucket list.

$12?!

Greg,
what did we say?

No more
incredulously shouting

the price of things
from the minibar.

If you want something,
just have it.

Screw it.

What's that thing
that Taylor always says?

"Yol-Toe"?
Uh-huh.

It's definitely Yol-Toe.

Yol-Toe!

[ Snickers ]

Greg,
what is on your neck?

What?

Oh, no. It's hives.

It's a reaction
to the macadamia nuts.

This is what happens
when you spend recklessly.

Oh, I'm so itchy.

We have to go home and get
my prescription antihistamine.

Greg, you're fine.

It's not like your throat
is closing up.

Oh, my God!
That can happen?!

How do I keep it open?
I have to keep using my voice.

Ahh, ahh! Ahh!

[ Sighs ]

Ahh!

Mom and Dad called.

Dad had an allergy attack,
so they're coming home.

It's time to go to bed.

Mom tells me
a story first.

Um, okay.

Ed Norton and Brad Pitt start
a fight club for some reason,

and, in the end,
they're the same dude.

Good night.

You know why I got
so mad at you

when you betrayed me
in that video game?

Because you spent years watching
"Real Housewives" with Mom

and have been programmed
to believe

that's how a woman reacts
to the smallest of problems?

No.

Because Dad's right
about you.

You don't have anyone's back
but your own.

You really think that
about me?

[ Vehicle approaching ]

Ugh, that must be
Mom and Dad.

Oh, my God!

Anna-Kat: What happened
to Dad's car?

And why is Oliver
driving?

What did you guys do?!

I took Dad's car out,
and I crashed it.

What?! This isn't you!

I know I screwed up,
but don't worry.

Cooper's gonna buy a new car
and have it here in the morning

before Mom and Dad
get back.

Dad had an allergy attack.

Mom and Dad are on their way
home right now!

What? No.

Oh, my God.
I'm so busted.

Not necessarily.
I have an idea.

Is everyone's passport
current?

♪♪

What the hell?

[ Grunts, sighs ]

It's the bumper
and the trunk.

This is gonna cost
a fortune to fix.

Ugh.
I don't know whether my throat is closing up

because I'm having
an allergy attack

or because I'm having
a panic attack

over how much money we spent
on M&Ms in a glass jar. [ Door opens ]

Oh, you guys are home.

Hey, Dad.
How are -- Oh, my God.

What happened to the car?

That branch must have fallen
when that big wind kicked up.

Makes perfect sense
to me.

[ Sighs ]
I knew this was gonna happen.

I should've had that tree
trimmed a while ago.

You're just lucky
no one got hurt, Dad.

Now that this mystery is all
wrapped up, let's go inside.

I'll put on some cocoa.

But the thing is...

how did a pine branch fall
from a maple tree?

Grafting?
Yup.

You guys have two seconds
to tell us the truth.

One...
-Well --

-Two...
-Okay.

I was the one
who took out the car.

That's a big surprise!
You crashed the car,

and then you tried
to get your brother to cover for you.

That's a new low, Taylor.

What were you thinking?

You know what?
It doesn't even matter.

I'm gonna deal with you
in the morning.

I have to go inside and draw
your dad a Cream of Wheat bath.

Why not an oatmeal bath?

I'm not wasting the good
hot cereal on you, bro!

Everyone, in the house!

I don't know how
this is gonna end up,

but I wanted to say --

I've had
a great life with you.

You're not dying,
you're just a little bumpy.

I'm sorry I made us spend
all the bonus money.

We should have put it in
an emergency fund

like you said,
so we could pay for the car.

I don't agree.

You don't?
No.

If this near-death experience
has taught me anything,

it's that, while you have
to plan for the future,

you also have to live
for today.

Yol-Toe, right?

[ Laughs ] Yeah.
"Yol-Toe."

I had a great time tonight,

up until the anaphylactic
reaction and the wrecked car.

Me too.

Plus I think that we got
our money's worth.

Why'd you take
a furry pillow?

New dog bed.
Oh.

♪♪

Why'd you do that
for me?

We're supposed to have
each other's backs.

Since when?

Usually we just
point and laugh

at the person
who gets in trouble.

Since now.

Like it or not, the longest
relationship we're gonna have

is with each other.

I honestly don't know
what to say.

If there's anything
I can do for you, just ask.

Switch rooms with me.
Your closet is bigger than mine.

[ Scoffs ] No.

But don't let that
ruin the moment.

This was good stuff.

♪♪

Taylor,
front and center.

Greg: Your mother and I
slept on it,

and as punishment
for wrecking my car,

you're gonna get a job
to pay us back for the repairs.

When am I
supposed to work?!

I have rehearsal for the new
school musical like every night.

Well, you're going to have
to quit the musical, then.

We gave you an opportunity
to be responsible,

and you blew it.
-Mm-hmm.

Every weekend, you're here
in your room.

But...

Okay.

It was me.

I was the one
who crashed the car.

What?

And me!

Don't hate me,
Mom and Dad.

Taylor was just
covering for me.

Is that true?

You did that for him?

Yeah, of course.
He's my brother.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

I'm proud of you.

Are you crazy?!
What were you thinking?!

You're not even
allowed to drive!

Cooper and I snuck out
to meet some girls at a party.

We forgot to put
the car in park,

it rolled down a hill,
and it crashed into a tree.

I don't even know
what to say.

-That's never happened before.
-I'm sorry.

It's just you guys always call
me the sensible kid and --

So you're mad because
we think highly of you?

I wanted to do
something reckless,

and it turned out a little more
reckless than I wanted.

He was actually
a very safe driver.

Ten and two the whole way.
Wasn't too chatty.

Would've been nice if there was
a chilled evian in the back.

Let's go from the top.
You and Cooper sneak out...

Grounded for a month!

...drive my car...

No phones for six months!

...without a license...

Most kids take
their driver's test at 16.

Not you.

You're gonna be the weird
spandex bike guy

until you're 21.

And I'm buying you
the shorts.

And you're wearing
the shorts!

I think the biggest issue here
is the damage to the car,

and for that,
I'd like to pay -- No.

To pay us back for the repairs,
you're getting a job.

A minimum-wage job.

I want you to pay us back
nice and slow.

We also lied to your face.
No punishment for that?

What are you doing, man?

♪♪

And that's the last
of my bonus.

Hey, new guy.
Treat these people well.

Give 'em a salad
on the house.

A side salad. Small.
To split.

Thank you, waiter.

Would you like
croutons on that?

W-W-Who gave you
the authority

to toss in croutons?

Busboy.

Why are you
working here again?

It's my punishment.

But we're not
your parents.

Guys.

Anna-Kat,
there's an orc on your six.

I'm more worried about that
creepy sorcerer following us.

Oh, God. You're right.

He's just standing there
watching us.

Who is that?

Greg: 'Tis I. Gregor Otto,
the Elvish necromancer.

Have you been following us
inside the game?

Just wanted to make sure you two
were working together.

I'll go in with
my melee weapon

while you cast "Enduring Pain."
-On it.

[ Warble, elf grunts ]

I've never been more proud

to be disemboweled.

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