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1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:04,460
♪♪
2
00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:07,170
Mecca lecca hi
mecca hiney ho!
3
00:00:08,330 --> 00:00:09,880
Ta-da!
4
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,330
Uh, I can see the tissues
under your arm.
5
00:00:12,330 --> 00:00:13,420
What are you doing?
6
00:00:13,420 --> 00:00:14,710
You're supposed to
ignore that,
7
00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:17,620
act amazed, and reward me with
an ice cream sandwich.
8
00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:18,830
You are not
six anymore.
9
00:00:18,830 --> 00:00:21,580
You are going to have
to try harder to amaze me.
10
00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:23,620
Just a heads-up,
I'm staying for dinner.
11
00:00:23,620 --> 00:00:25,790
These are
my food allergies.
12
00:00:25,790 --> 00:00:26,830
[ Sighs ]
Oh, come on.
13
00:00:26,830 --> 00:00:28,920
Should I get
these boots, Mom? Sure.
14
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,670
I assume they're
a gift for a new friend
15
00:00:30,670 --> 00:00:31,790
who's also a hooker.
16
00:00:31,790 --> 00:00:32,960
So you're not gonna
get them for me?
17
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,880
No way. Why would you wear
open-toed boots?
18
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,420
Boots are
a cold-weather item.
19
00:00:38,420 --> 00:00:39,580
Next you'll want...
20
00:00:39,580 --> 00:00:41,540
a down jacket
without any sleeves.
21
00:00:41,540 --> 00:00:42,830
You mean a vest?
22
00:00:42,830 --> 00:00:44,000
Oh, yeah,
bad example.
23
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,500
I've done everything
you've asked of me.
24
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:47,710
I joined
the school musical.
25
00:00:47,710 --> 00:00:49,580
I'm taking the PSAT.
26
00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:50,670
Can't you just
meet me halfway
27
00:00:50,670 --> 00:00:51,880
and reward me
for all my hard work?
28
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:53,080
How about I
meet you right here
29
00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,790
and don't give you
jack squat? [ Scoffs ]
30
00:00:54,790 --> 00:00:56,710
I'm so tired of you shutting me
down all the time.
31
00:00:56,710 --> 00:00:58,580
I am your mother.
32
00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,620
Shutting you down is in
my job description.
33
00:01:00,620 --> 00:01:01,880
Just like you rolling
your eyes at me
34
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,750
is in your
job description.
35
00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:05,540
[ Groans ]
36
00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:07,420
You're very good
at your job!
37
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:08,420
♪♪
38
00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:14,830
♪♪
39
00:01:14,830 --> 00:01:16,830
[ Grunts ]
Oliver, why don't you stay
40
00:01:16,830 --> 00:01:18,000
and help me build
Luthor's new doghouse?
41
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,750
It'll be a fun
father-son project.
42
00:01:19,750 --> 00:01:21,120
We just did
a father-son project.
43
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:24,080
We carried an unbuilt doghouse
from the car to the backyard.
44
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,790
I'll always
remember it, Dad. Come on.
45
00:01:26,790 --> 00:01:28,750
We'll listen to music,
work a couple hours,
46
00:01:28,750 --> 00:01:30,080
take a break,
make some hummus.
47
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,670
I have to finish reading
the new Johnny Diamond book
48
00:01:32,670 --> 00:01:35,540
before I go to his motivational
seminar this weekend.
49
00:01:35,540 --> 00:01:36,880
Johnny Diamond says,
50
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,830
"In order to earn
people's trust in business,
51
00:01:38,830 --> 00:01:40,420
you need to make
a bond with them
52
00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:42,540
by any means necessary."
53
00:01:42,540 --> 00:01:43,710
Johnny Diamond.
54
00:01:43,710 --> 00:01:45,880
That's not a very authentic way
to interact with people.
55
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,620
Neither is
making hummus.
56
00:01:47,620 --> 00:01:51,710
♪♪
57
00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:53,710
[ Groans ] Look at
these stupid boots
58
00:01:53,710 --> 00:01:55,540
Taylor wants me
to buy her.
59
00:01:55,540 --> 00:01:56,580
Yikes.
60
00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:57,670
And why are
they open-toed?
61
00:01:57,670 --> 00:01:58,790
Boots are
a cold-weather item.
62
00:01:58,790 --> 00:02:00,080
That's what I said!
63
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,670
It's like socks
without the feet.
64
00:02:02,670 --> 00:02:04,040
You mean
leg warmers? Damn it.
65
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,380
It's really hard to come up
with a similar example
66
00:02:06,380 --> 00:02:07,040
to those dumb boots.
67
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,620
Taylor was pretty mad
when I said no.
68
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:11,040
We've been
fighting a lot lately.
69
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,710
We're just not connecting
like we used to.
70
00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:14,880
Same with
me and Oliver.
71
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:16,710
He doesn't want anything
to do with me.
72
00:02:16,710 --> 00:02:18,080
I bought a doghouse
for us to build together.
73
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:19,880
What teenage boy
wouldn't want to do that?
74
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,880
Every teenage boy in the history
of teenage boys.
75
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,790
I just feel like as
he gets older, we have less and less in common
76
00:02:25,790 --> 00:02:27,710
and it's harder to spend
any quality time with him.
77
00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:29,080
Then maybe you should
do something with Oliver
78
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:30,960
that Oliver
is interested in.
79
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,880
I can't do another drive
through the neighborhood
80
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:34,790
where I play
"Guess That Zestimate."
81
00:02:34,790 --> 00:02:36,960
How about that
Johnny Diamond seminar
82
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,580
that he won't
shut up about?
83
00:02:38,580 --> 00:02:39,880
That guy's
such a phony.
84
00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,920
It's all recycled
self-help nonsense.
85
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,170
I'd rather bond
over something real.
86
00:02:43,170 --> 00:02:44,920
Look, if you're the one
who wants to bond,
87
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,710
then you have to be the mature
one and make the sacrifice.
88
00:02:47,710 --> 00:02:48,830
[ Groaning ] Fine!
89
00:02:48,830 --> 00:02:50,920
I'll go to the Johnny Diamond
seminar with him.
90
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,880
You know, maybe you should take
your own advice
91
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,880
and make a sacrifice with Taylor
so you two can bond.
92
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,830
What did I say about undermining
me in front of the kids?
93
00:02:57,830 --> 00:02:59,790
But the kids aren't --
Anna-Kat!
94
00:02:59,790 --> 00:03:01,670
What?
95
00:03:01,670 --> 00:03:02,830
Thank you, honey.
96
00:03:02,830 --> 00:03:04,670
Good night.
97
00:03:04,670 --> 00:03:10,080
♪♪
98
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,790
Who the hell
wants toeless boots?
99
00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:13,210
Yeah, it makes no sense.
It's like --
100
00:03:13,210 --> 00:03:15,880
Don't even try. I was at this
for hours last night.
101
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,170
Thought I had one,
but I didn't.
102
00:03:17,170 --> 00:03:19,710
Turns out a hat with no top
is just a visor.
103
00:03:19,710 --> 00:03:21,120
Are you thinking
of caving in on this?
104
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:24,750
I'm worried Taylor has started
seeing me as the enemy.
105
00:03:24,750 --> 00:03:26,670
[ Giggling ]
106
00:03:26,670 --> 00:03:28,080
I just love that
necklace on you.
107
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:30,880
Thank you. I think it will look
even better on you.
108
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,540
How did I get so lucky?
[ Laughs ]
109
00:03:33,540 --> 00:03:34,920
[ Gags ]
110
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,120
Why can't Taylor and I
be like that?
111
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,620
You can.
My kids and I are that close.
112
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:40,880
We hug six times a day.
113
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,880
Ugh!
What a load of garbage!
114
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,170
Parents and children
need boundaries!
115
00:03:44,170 --> 00:03:46,620
Otherwise, they won't fear
or respect you.
116
00:03:46,620 --> 00:03:47,960
No, I disagree.
117
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,670
I let my kids do
whatever they want
118
00:03:49,670 --> 00:03:50,920
as long as I'm there
to supervise.
119
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,000
And it will be
the same
120
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,250
when they get older.
If they want to have sex,
121
00:03:53,250 --> 00:03:55,120
they can do it at my house
while I'm home.
122
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,790
There has to be a middle ground
between lifelong bitterness
123
00:03:57,790 --> 00:03:59,210
and listening
to your kids hump.
124
00:03:59,210 --> 00:04:01,250
You know, I read in
Parenting magazine
125
00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:04,170
that mothers and daughters
go on friend dates now to bond.
126
00:04:04,170 --> 00:04:05,830
It's a fun way
to spend time together.
127
00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:08,080
No judgments, and you get to
establish a new relationship
128
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,830
where you see each other
as equals.
129
00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:11,790
Hey! More garbage!
130
00:04:11,790 --> 00:04:13,790
You know, Greg said
I should do something
131
00:04:13,790 --> 00:04:14,960
like mother-daughter
date night.
132
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,920
But ideas just sound better
coming from someone else.
133
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,170
I don't know, Katie. You'll be
setting a dangerous precedent
134
00:04:20,170 --> 00:04:21,880
that could lead to your kids
coming back to visit
135
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,710
after they've already
moved out.
136
00:04:23,710 --> 00:04:24,920
That's exactly
what I want.
137
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,880
Yep, that's what
you think now.
138
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,960
But imagine yourself
30 years older
139
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,040
and your kids are yelling at you
in your own home
140
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,920
for watching TV because
screens are bad for the baby.
141
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,620
I'm watching
"Game of Thrones,"
142
00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:37,750
and so is the baby!
143
00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:39,040
They need to learn
about violence
144
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:41,290
and love.
[ Laughs ]
145
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,080
All right.
Oliver's on board with me
146
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:47,290
going to the Johnny Diamond
seminar with him.
147
00:04:47,290 --> 00:04:49,920
Actually, he said, "It might
ruin it but maybe it won't."
148
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,830
I'm taking that
as a win. That's great.
149
00:04:51,830 --> 00:04:53,290
And Doris and Angela said
I should ask out Taylor
150
00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:56,250
on a mother-daughter date and
buy her the open-toed boots.
151
00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:58,120
Isn't that exactly
what I told you to do?
152
00:04:58,120 --> 00:04:59,790
You want me to be
the kind of wife
153
00:04:59,790 --> 00:05:01,290
that "listens"
to her husband?
154
00:05:01,290 --> 00:05:03,880
Then we're gonna have to change
this whole operation.
155
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,210
I should go read up
on Johnny Diamond.
156
00:05:05,210 --> 00:05:06,750
I'll start with
his first book,
157
00:05:06,750 --> 00:05:07,880
"The Best of
Johnny Diamond."
158
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,960
How can his first book be
"The Best of Johnny Diamond"?
159
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,250
You think that's strange,
his next book is called
160
00:05:11,250 --> 00:05:14,380
"Introducing
Johnny Diamond." Huh.
161
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:17,960
Hey, there.
162
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,880
Taylor, huh?
Pretty name.
163
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:21,620
Do you spell it
with a "Y"?
164
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,000
Ta-da!
[ Screams ]
165
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,830
[ Laughs ]
Good trick, huh?
166
00:05:24,830 --> 00:05:26,750
That's not a trick.
167
00:05:26,750 --> 00:05:28,580
This is a trick.
168
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,580
[ Whispering ]
Witch.
169
00:05:35,170 --> 00:05:37,000
Why were you
talking to yourself?
170
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,830
I'm practicing asking
Taylor on a friend date.
171
00:05:39,830 --> 00:05:41,170
Ever since
my parents' divorce,
172
00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:43,920
my mom takes me on friend dates
every Saturday.
173
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,620
It's a lot
of Arby's. Mm.
174
00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:47,920
Let me help you.
175
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,380
Thanks,
but I think I got it.
176
00:05:50,210 --> 00:05:52,120
You can't ask her out
in person.
177
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,330
You have to do it
over text.
178
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,120
Okay.
179
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,710
What should I
write?
180
00:05:58,710 --> 00:06:00,790
Just be casual.
Mm.
181
00:06:00,790 --> 00:06:02,210
[ Cellphone chimes ]
182
00:06:02,210 --> 00:06:03,790
Katie:
What's up, girl?
183
00:06:03,790 --> 00:06:05,040
♪♪
184
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,710
Taylor:
Is this a mistake?
185
00:06:06,710 --> 00:06:09,210
♪♪
186
00:06:09,210 --> 00:06:10,210
[ Cellphone whooshes, chimes ]
187
00:06:10,210 --> 00:06:12,620
Just seeing
if you wanna chill.
188
00:06:12,620 --> 00:06:14,000
♪♪
189
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,710
This feels
like a trap.
190
00:06:15,710 --> 00:06:17,120
♪♪
191
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,790
How about boot shopping
and coffee?
192
00:06:19,790 --> 00:06:26,120
♪♪
193
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,790
[ Cellphone chimes ]
194
00:06:27,790 --> 00:06:28,880
[ Gasps ]
195
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,500
Yes!
196
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:35,170
What?
197
00:06:35,170 --> 00:06:38,000
[ Sighs ] You're helping her
get closer to your sister?
198
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,460
Not good for you.
[ Chuckles ]
199
00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:42,880
Why? You think I'm getting
pushed out as the favorite kid?
200
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,290
Maybe. I don't think
you can get by
201
00:06:44,290 --> 00:06:45,960
on just
cuteness anymore.
202
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,170
The big teeth
are in now.
203
00:06:48,170 --> 00:06:49,250
You're gonna have
to find a new way
204
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:50,880
to make your parents
like you.
205
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:52,080
How?
206
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,080
You ever want to take a bite
out of your ChapStick?
207
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:56,880
Oh, Franklin.
You almost made it through
208
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,040
one full
conversation.
209
00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,920
[ Dramatic music plays ]
210
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:07,920
♪♪
211
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:14,960
♪♪
212
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,830
Where my Diamond Dogs at?!
213
00:07:17,830 --> 00:07:23,330
[ Barking, howling ]
214
00:07:23,330 --> 00:07:26,880
Let's maximize those
relationships, D-Dogs.
215
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,880
That's why you're here!
216
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,960
[ Barking, howling ]
217
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:38,000
I want you to turn
to the person next to you
218
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,830
and talk with them.
219
00:07:39,830 --> 00:07:41,960
And when I say "talk with them,"
220
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,790
I mean connect with them!
221
00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:47,790
[ Murmuring ]
222
00:07:47,790 --> 00:07:49,380
No small talk!
223
00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:53,000
I want you to ask them
the best thing
224
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,040
that happened to them
this week.
225
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,120
Get real!
[ Murmuring ]
226
00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,250
My Diamond Dogs need
to gnaw through the lies
227
00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:03,880
and taste the truth.
Leashes off!
228
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:04,960
[ Howls ]
229
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:09,250
[ Barking, howling ]
230
00:08:09,250 --> 00:08:11,330
We don't have to do this
if you don't want to.
231
00:08:11,330 --> 00:08:12,500
No, no, no.
We should do the work.
232
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:14,330
That's what
we're here for. Okay.
233
00:08:14,330 --> 00:08:17,210
What was the best thing that
happened to you this week?
234
00:08:17,210 --> 00:08:19,960
[ Exhales deeply ]
Well, um,
235
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,380
there's this girl
I like at school
236
00:08:21,380 --> 00:08:23,120
that sat with me
at lunch.
237
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,000
I didn't have the guts
to ask her out,
238
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,330
but at least I know
she knows I exist.
239
00:08:28,330 --> 00:08:30,330
That's the first time
you've mentioned a new girl
240
00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:32,080
since you and Gina
broke up.
241
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,120
I'm proud of you.
242
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,210
Thanks, Dad.
243
00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:36,960
We usually don't talk about
this kind of stuff.
244
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,000
Or any stuff really.
245
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,580
This is nice.
[ Chuckles ]
246
00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:43,120
What was the best part
of your week?
247
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,460
Is it too cheesy
to say right now? Definitely.
248
00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:48,210
Then I'm gonna go with
the apple fritter I had this morning.
249
00:08:48,210 --> 00:08:50,290
Now howl if you had
250
00:08:50,290 --> 00:08:54,040
a substantial
emotional breakthrough.
251
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,750
[ Howling ]
252
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,880
[ Chuckles ]
253
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,120
Hey.
254
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,170
You want to maximize
your relationship with me?
255
00:09:04,170 --> 00:09:07,170
Uh, sure.
Yeah.
256
00:09:07,170 --> 00:09:09,080
Ask me the best part
of my week.
257
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,880
Okay, what was the best part
of your week?
258
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,540
This. Right now.
259
00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:15,380
It's too cheesy for your son
there, but not for me, man.
260
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:18,120
[ Laughs ] Come here.
Bring it in here.
261
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:19,290
We should hang out
or something, huh?
262
00:09:19,290 --> 00:09:22,830
Get some tacos later.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
263
00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:27,120
♪♪
264
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,080
Oh, my God, Mom.
I love them.
265
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:30,120
They look painful.
266
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,250
Well, sometimes
the coolest stuff
267
00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:33,250
isn't the most
comfortable. That's true.
268
00:09:33,250 --> 00:09:35,330
I might have made some fashion
choices when I was your age
269
00:09:35,330 --> 00:09:37,040
that weren't based
on comfort.
270
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,040
Like?
271
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,330
Tight chokers
were big in the '90s.
272
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:41,500
I passed out
from time to time,
273
00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:44,250
but Mama looked fine
as hell. [ Laughs ]
274
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,460
You should try on
a pair of these.
275
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:48,330
Open-toed boots?
I don't think so.
276
00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:51,420
I've been nursing my pedicure
since Christmas.
277
00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:54,170
Although I did a touch-up with
a red Sharpie yesterday.
278
00:09:54,170 --> 00:09:56,170
[ Chuckles ] I think
you can pull them off.
279
00:09:56,170 --> 00:09:57,960
You think?
280
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:02,000
♪♪
281
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,000
Gotcha.
282
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,380
[ Chuckles ]
283
00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:07,120
So, do you want
to grab coffee?
284
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,460
Actually,
let's grab lunch.
285
00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:10,960
Katie:
Play it cool. Play it cool.
286
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,040
Whatever.
287
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,120
Okay.
Never mind.
288
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,460
Darn it.
That was too cool!
289
00:10:14,460 --> 00:10:16,290
No, no, no.
Let's grab lunch.
290
00:10:16,290 --> 00:10:18,920
♪♪
291
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:22,120
[ Barking, howling ]
292
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,460
All right, Diamond Dogs.
293
00:10:23,460 --> 00:10:26,960
It's time for one last
relationship maximizer.
294
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,250
Classic trust fall.
295
00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:30,120
Come on, Dad.
Let's do it. Okay.
296
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,120
Oh, no. No, no.
297
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,330
For this fall,
298
00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:36,080
I want Dad to fall
and Sonny Boy to catch him.
299
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,080
[ Barks ]
300
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,040
[ Barking ]
301
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,120
No,
we can't do that.
302
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:43,210
If Johnny says we can do it,
we can do it.
303
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:44,580
I trust us.
It's not about trust.
304
00:10:44,580 --> 00:10:46,290
It's about me being
way heavier than you.
305
00:10:46,290 --> 00:10:47,580
Did I mention the apple fritters
this morning?
306
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:50,290
Full disclosure -- I have
those every morning.
307
00:10:50,290 --> 00:10:52,080
If we can do this,
we can do anything!
308
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,120
[ Exhales sharply ]
309
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,290
[ Sighs ]
310
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,880
Okay.
311
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,540
[ Laughs ]
I got you, Dad!
312
00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:07,210
Yes, you do! I'll never
doubt you again, Oliver!
313
00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:08,750
I don't know where this strength
is coming from!
314
00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:11,920
It's like when a parent lifts
a car off their baby.
315
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,080
It's love, man!
316
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,330
[ Laughs ]
317
00:11:14,330 --> 00:11:16,170
[ Cheers and howling ]
318
00:11:16,170 --> 00:11:17,750
Yeah!
319
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:22,330
All right, that's it
for this seminar.
320
00:11:22,330 --> 00:11:24,210
But remember, Diamond Dogs,
321
00:11:24,210 --> 00:11:27,330
the seminar
hasn't actually ended.
322
00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:30,000
It's just begun.
323
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,420
Who wants homework?!
324
00:11:31,420 --> 00:11:34,380
[ Barking, howling ]
325
00:11:34,380 --> 00:11:38,380
I want you to go home,
find a loved one,
326
00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:39,710
and do a project together
327
00:11:39,710 --> 00:11:43,330
'cause this isn't just about
your relationship, right?
328
00:11:43,330 --> 00:11:46,460
This is about
your relationship...
329
00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:48,380
with your relationship!
330
00:11:48,380 --> 00:11:51,460
[ Barking, howling ]
331
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:52,710
Dad, I know
what we should do. Huh?
332
00:11:52,710 --> 00:11:55,210
We should build
Luthor's doghouse. Yeah!
333
00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:57,330
We'll build
a Diamond Doghouse together.
334
00:11:57,330 --> 00:11:59,290
Excuse me,
Mr. Diamond.
335
00:11:59,290 --> 00:12:01,330
I was skeptical
about coming today,
336
00:12:01,330 --> 00:12:03,290
but you've helped my son
and me very much.
337
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:05,420
Thank you.
Well, that's what it's all about.
338
00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:07,380
It's not about
the $200 tickets
339
00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:08,500
or the $50 T-shirts.
340
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:11,420
It's about this moment.
341
00:12:11,420 --> 00:12:14,120
Me touching
your face.
342
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,170
You nervous?
343
00:12:15,170 --> 00:12:17,330
Kind of.
Smart.
344
00:12:17,330 --> 00:12:19,080
[ Whispering ]
We don't validate parking.
345
00:12:21,420 --> 00:12:23,170
He's amazing,
isn't he?
346
00:12:23,170 --> 00:12:24,330
His hands
are so soft.
347
00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:26,000
Should we buy
Diamond Dog lotion?
348
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,120
Yeah!
349
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:32,080
♪♪
350
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,330
So, what's going on?
351
00:12:33,330 --> 00:12:34,580
You hitting me up
for a kidney?
352
00:12:34,580 --> 00:12:36,920
What?
You bought me shoes you hate,
353
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,250
and we're eating at a restaurant
where you don't have to fill up
354
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:40,290
your own cup
at the soda machine,
355
00:12:40,290 --> 00:12:41,580
so something's up.
356
00:12:41,580 --> 00:12:44,290
I just want to spend
quality time with you,
357
00:12:44,290 --> 00:12:45,670
not just as mother
and daughter.
358
00:12:45,670 --> 00:12:48,420
I want
to be friends. Okay.
359
00:12:48,420 --> 00:12:51,420
So, like,
how do we do that?
360
00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:54,170
We can start by talking
like girlfriends.
361
00:12:54,170 --> 00:12:55,460
Let's spill some tea.
362
00:12:55,460 --> 00:12:57,290
What's the hot goss
at school?
363
00:12:57,290 --> 00:12:58,710
I'm not sure what topics
are on the table.
364
00:12:58,710 --> 00:13:00,670
I don't want to say too much
and then you come down on me.
365
00:13:00,670 --> 00:13:02,620
How about I go first
and break the ice
366
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:05,040
and share some high school
stories of my own?
367
00:13:07,460 --> 00:13:10,290
Can't tell that story.
368
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,380
Really can't tell
that story.
369
00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:14,750
I'll get straight-up arrested
if I tell that story.
370
00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:17,750
[ Laughs ]
Okay. When I was a junior,
371
00:13:17,750 --> 00:13:20,380
I dated two brothers
at the same time,
372
00:13:20,380 --> 00:13:23,170
but neither
of them knew.
373
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:25,580
Wh-- Mom!
But I got busted
374
00:13:25,580 --> 00:13:28,290
when one of them saw me
making out with the other one
375
00:13:28,290 --> 00:13:30,210
when we went off-campus
to smoke.
376
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:32,920
Wow!
That is so crazy!
377
00:13:34,330 --> 00:13:35,420
I didn't know
you smoked.
378
00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:37,620
Just a little.
It was high school.
379
00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:39,920
I tried vaping
over the summer.
380
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:41,670
Oh?
381
00:13:41,670 --> 00:13:42,790
You're her friend,
not her mom.
382
00:13:42,790 --> 00:13:44,580
You're her friend,
not her mom.
383
00:13:44,580 --> 00:13:45,580
This is some good gossip.
384
00:13:45,580 --> 00:13:46,790
So there's a girl
in the musical
385
00:13:46,790 --> 00:13:48,670
who had to quit because
her boyfriend --
386
00:13:48,670 --> 00:13:50,540
You know, vaping is
the same as smoking.
387
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:51,670
I know. [ Chuckles ]
Anyway,
388
00:13:51,670 --> 00:13:52,750
he made her quit
because he was jealous --
389
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:54,580
So did you buy
your own vape pipe?
390
00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:55,670
It's called
a vape pen.
391
00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:57,670
And no,
I used someone else's.
392
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,500
So anything could have
been in there --
393
00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:02,120
tobacco, pot,
rat poison.
394
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:02,880
You could have died!
395
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:05,330
Wait, I thought we were
trying to be friends.
396
00:14:05,330 --> 00:14:06,500
It sounds like
you're momming me right now.
397
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:07,790
That's because
I am a mom!
398
00:14:07,790 --> 00:14:11,460
Do you know how dumb it is
to vape?
399
00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:13,670
You just literally told me
you smoked in high school!
400
00:14:13,670 --> 00:14:16,580
I know, but my mother
wasn't involved in my life.
401
00:14:16,580 --> 00:14:17,790
I'm up your ass
constantly!
402
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,710
[ Scoffs ]
I knew this was a trap.
403
00:14:19,710 --> 00:14:21,380
You tricked me
into admitting stuff
404
00:14:21,380 --> 00:14:22,540
by saying
we were friends!
405
00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:23,750
Well, that won't be
a problem anymore
406
00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:24,960
because we're
no longer friends.
407
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,750
I think that's a world record
for the shortest friendship.
408
00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:28,710
A whopping 20 seconds!
Great!
409
00:14:28,710 --> 00:14:31,460
You can go celebrate with
a big, fat vaping session.
410
00:14:31,460 --> 00:14:33,670
No one says that!
Ugh! I'm out of here.
411
00:14:33,670 --> 00:14:35,460
Now you're definitely
not getting my kidney!
412
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:37,580
I don't want your kidney.
And even if I did,
413
00:14:37,580 --> 00:14:39,620
I don't want it
because it's full of vape!
414
00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:42,290
That's not
how it works!
415
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:54,170
♪♪
416
00:14:54,170 --> 00:14:55,920
[ Zipper unzips ]
417
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,380
It says attach piece 1
to piece 2.
418
00:14:58,380 --> 00:14:59,580
But the pieces
aren't labeled.
419
00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:01,330
This is
a waste of time.
420
00:15:01,330 --> 00:15:02,880
Remember what
Johnny Diamond says.
421
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,580
When you drift
to the negative, SBH --
422
00:15:05,580 --> 00:15:07,960
Stop, Breathe, Howl.
423
00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:11,000
[ Howling ]
424
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,580
-What the hell are you doing?
-We're Diamond Dogs, honey.
425
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,330
We're maximizing
our relationship
426
00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:16,670
and forging
a lifelong bond.
427
00:15:16,670 --> 00:15:18,670
Great.
You're both in a cult.
428
00:15:18,670 --> 00:15:21,330
I look forward to your
six-part Netflix series.
429
00:15:21,330 --> 00:15:22,460
How was your friend-date
with Taylor?
430
00:15:22,460 --> 00:15:23,620
[ Groans ] Terrible.
431
00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:25,670
I think we broke up.
You're mother and daughter.
432
00:15:25,670 --> 00:15:26,920
You can't break up.
You just have to figure out
433
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,540
the relationship
you want to have with her.
434
00:15:28,540 --> 00:15:30,380
I think I know
what you guys need
435
00:15:30,380 --> 00:15:31,750
to maximize
your relationship.
436
00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:33,620
Johnny Diamond
has some exercises
437
00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:35,540
to help you fulfill
your potential.
438
00:15:35,540 --> 00:15:37,500
I don't like
this pairing.
439
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:39,330
Disturbs me.
440
00:15:40,420 --> 00:15:42,580
Hey. Come on.
441
00:15:42,580 --> 00:15:43,790
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
442
00:15:43,790 --> 00:15:46,670
Let's go post this on
Johnny Diamond's Facebook page.
443
00:15:46,670 --> 00:15:49,710
Hashtag building
a hashtag doghouse
444
00:15:49,710 --> 00:15:51,580
with my hashtag son
445
00:15:51,580 --> 00:15:55,210
for our hashtag other
hashtag Diamond Dogs.
446
00:15:55,210 --> 00:15:55,920
Hashtag.
447
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,620
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Trying to stay positive, Dad,
448
00:15:57,620 --> 00:16:00,460
but you're misusing hashtag
to an alarming degree.
449
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,790
Oliver, all these people
are posting reports
450
00:16:01,790 --> 00:16:03,540
that Johnny Diamond
got arrested.
451
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:06,040
What?
The FBI raided his ranch in Utah.
452
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,790
He had people being held against
their will writing his books.
453
00:16:08,790 --> 00:16:10,540
Okay,
so he's a busy guy.
454
00:16:10,540 --> 00:16:11,830
He had to outsource
a little labor.
455
00:16:11,830 --> 00:16:13,710
And he had children
making his merchandise.
456
00:16:13,710 --> 00:16:16,620
You're making a child
build a doghouse. Think on that.
457
00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:19,250
He sold all
his followers' identities.
458
00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:20,460
My credit score!
459
00:16:20,460 --> 00:16:21,750
This guy sucks so hard.
460
00:16:21,750 --> 00:16:23,670
Oliver, we don't need
Johnny Diamond.
461
00:16:23,670 --> 00:16:25,670
We can maximize our relationship
by ourselves.
462
00:16:25,670 --> 00:16:28,670
Dad, I can't believe
I'm saying this,
463
00:16:28,670 --> 00:16:30,830
but Johnny Diamond's
a fraud.
464
00:16:30,830 --> 00:16:34,000
Which means our entire bond
is built on a lie.
465
00:16:35,250 --> 00:16:37,330
It's over.
466
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,620
[ Cellphone chimes ]
467
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:42,080
Huh.
My high school bully is dead.
468
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,290
Here's some ideas so your
parents can like you again.
469
00:16:46,290 --> 00:16:47,830
Can you cook?
No.
470
00:16:47,830 --> 00:16:49,830
Can you tell
the future?
471
00:16:49,830 --> 00:16:51,880
If I could, I would have
walked out of the room
472
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,960
before you farted
20 seconds ago.
473
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,830
[ Sighs ] Oh, you can be
the funny one of the family.
474
00:16:56,830 --> 00:17:00,170
You need to learn a dirty joke.
Adults love those.
475
00:17:00,170 --> 00:17:01,170
Okay.
476
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:05,290
"Good dirty jokes."
477
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:08,380
I don't get that.
478
00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:09,460
I don't get that.
479
00:17:09,460 --> 00:17:11,380
Oh, that one has
a funny word.
480
00:17:11,380 --> 00:17:12,620
Oh, yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
481
00:17:12,620 --> 00:17:14,830
Okay, I'll learn it and
tell it to my parents later.
482
00:17:14,830 --> 00:17:17,460
[ Groans ] I should not
have eaten that ChapStick.
483
00:17:17,460 --> 00:17:21,500
♪♪
484
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:22,880
[ Trash can opens ]
485
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,500
Why are you throwing
that shirt out?
486
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:26,920
I thought Johnny Diamond
was your hero.
487
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,880
He's a fraud. He got busted
for, like, 10 felonies,
488
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:33,290
so all his advice to help me
succeed is meaningless.
489
00:17:34,380 --> 00:17:40,830
♪♪
490
00:17:40,830 --> 00:17:45,460
You know, you are always looking
for someone to worship.
491
00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:46,750
Well, look outside.
492
00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:50,750
♪♪
493
00:17:50,750 --> 00:17:51,880
See that guy?
494
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,670
That's the guy that
you should worship.
495
00:17:54,670 --> 00:17:55,960
♪♪
496
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,580
He went out of his way
to try to connect with you.
497
00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:01,670
You should
do the same.
498
00:18:01,670 --> 00:18:03,420
[ Sighs ]
499
00:18:03,420 --> 00:18:06,670
♪♪
500
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:09,250
[ Door opens and closes ]
501
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,830
Hey.
It's really unfortunate
502
00:18:11,830 --> 00:18:13,000
when I have
a great parenting moment,
503
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,830
and Greg is not here
to give me credit.
504
00:18:15,830 --> 00:18:18,540
[ Sighs ] So, uh,
505
00:18:18,540 --> 00:18:20,420
that was pretty weird
506
00:18:20,420 --> 00:18:22,460
today when we went...
507
00:18:25,710 --> 00:18:27,710
I'm trying to have an awkward
moment with you, Taylor.
508
00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:29,290
Okay. Fine.
509
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,880
I'm sorry
that I blew up at you,
510
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,960
but when you screw up,
I have to come down on you.
511
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,080
It's my job.
You're very good at your job, Mom.
512
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,670
You're gonna have a lot
of friends in your life,
513
00:18:39,670 --> 00:18:40,880
but only one mother.
514
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,920
And I refuse
to give that role up.
515
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,710
But you're the one
who wanted to be friends.
516
00:18:44,710 --> 00:18:46,880
And one day we will be,
but right now,
517
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,920
I need you
to be afraid of me,
518
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,000
but know, if you're ever
out in the world
519
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,750
and find yourself
in a bad situation,
520
00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:55,790
you can call me
and I'll come get you.
521
00:18:55,790 --> 00:18:57,710
No questions asked?
No.
522
00:18:57,710 --> 00:18:59,580
Like a thousand
questions asked.
523
00:18:59,580 --> 00:19:02,620
♪♪
524
00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:04,540
What's up?
Anna-Kat has a joke
525
00:19:04,540 --> 00:19:06,040
she wants to tell us.
Great.
526
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,750
Okay, so three guys are
shipwrecked on an island
527
00:19:08,750 --> 00:19:10,000
and are captured
by locals.
528
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,830
Their leader says
to the first guy,
529
00:19:11,830 --> 00:19:14,080
"You must choose:
death or ooga-mooga,"
530
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:17,000
so the first guy says,
"I choose ooga-mooga."
531
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,830
Then they
throw him down...
532
00:19:18,830 --> 00:19:21,750
[ Dramatic music plays ]
533
00:19:21,750 --> 00:19:27,580
♪♪
534
00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:32,880
♪♪
535
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,000
So after seeing what happened
to the first two guys,
536
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,670
the third guy says,
"I choose death,"
537
00:19:37,670 --> 00:19:39,880
and the leader says,
"Okay.
538
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,670
Death by
ooga-mooga!"
539
00:19:41,670 --> 00:19:42,710
[ Laughs ]
540
00:19:42,710 --> 00:19:44,670
Franklin, do you
even get the joke?
541
00:19:44,670 --> 00:19:46,620
[ Laughing ] She said
"ooga-mooga."
542
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,790
Anna-Kat,
that was filthy.
543
00:19:48,790 --> 00:19:51,540
What would possess you
to tell a joke like that?
544
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,000
I was afraid I was
losing my position
545
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,170
as the favorite
in the family,
546
00:19:55,170 --> 00:19:58,000
so I thought maybe
I could be the funny one.
547
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,210
Honey, you're always going
to be the baby,
548
00:20:00,210 --> 00:20:02,620
so you always are going
to be the favorite.
549
00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:04,540
That's just a fact.
550
00:20:05,620 --> 00:20:06,830
You got me
all crazy.
551
00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:09,790
You are super grounded for
looking up that joke online.
552
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,670
Go to your room.
553
00:20:14,790 --> 00:20:16,790
Can someone drop me off
at Arby's?
554
00:20:16,790 --> 00:20:18,880
I have a date
with my mom.
555
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,790
[ Sighs ]
556
00:20:20,790 --> 00:20:22,710
Can you set Anna-Kat's
parental control
557
00:20:22,710 --> 00:20:23,960
so it blocks
all the dirty stuff?
558
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,960
I'll also block that
weird website she likes
559
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,580
that shows death row inmates'
last meals.
560
00:20:28,580 --> 00:20:30,580
That...
561
00:20:30,580 --> 00:20:31,880
was a really
funny joke.
562
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,460
[ Snickering ]
Ooga-mooga.
563
00:20:34,460 --> 00:20:36,500
♪♪
564
00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:42,500
[ Barks ]
Luthor says, "Great job, boys!"
565
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:44,170
[ Chuckles ]
566
00:20:44,170 --> 00:20:46,880
Oliver, Johnny Diamond might
have ended up being a fake,
567
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,170
but the fun I had bonding
with you wasn't fake at all.
568
00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:50,790
I'm glad your mom
forced us to finish it.
569
00:20:50,790 --> 00:20:52,040
Yeah, me, too.
570
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:53,960
I'm starting to get
what you see in her.
571
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,620
-Hmm.
-[ Clears throat ]
572
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,710
You guys need help
building anything else?
573
00:20:58,710 --> 00:20:59,790
No thanks.
Here you go.
574
00:20:59,790 --> 00:21:01,620
[ Scoffs ]
You don't have to pay me.
575
00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:03,580
We're Diamond Dogs!
576
00:21:03,580 --> 00:21:07,750
[ Howling ]
577
00:21:07,750 --> 00:21:09,080
[ Barks ]
[ Laughs ]
578
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,710
[ Howling ]
[ Luthor howls ]
579
00:21:11,710 --> 00:21:13,620
♪♪
580
00:21:13,670 --> 00:21:18,220
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