Original subtitles

AH, HA! OH, MY GOD.

WH AT?

OH, MY GOD, MICHAEL, READ THIS. RIGHT HERE... READ THAT.

"67-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GIVES BIRTH."

OOH.

ISN'T THAT FRIGHTENING?

YEAH, WHO WOULD TAP THAT?

HOW DO YOU LOOK AT A 67-YEAR-OLD

AND FEEL IT, LIKE,

"MMM, YEAH, I'LL JUST TAKE THAT LITTLE WIG OFF."

OHH! WOULD YOU STOP IT!

[laughs]

I'D TALK DIRTY INTO HER HEARING AID... "WHAT'D YOU SAY?

WHAT'D YOU SAY?" [laughs]

IT'S PROBABLY SOMEBODY WHO LOVES HER, MICHAEL!

HEY, LOVE STOPS AT 55.

OHH!

WHEN THE BREASTS DROP, THE LOVE STOPS.

OKAY.

MICHAEL, WHAT IF THAT HAPPENED TO US?

I THINK WE NEED TO TAKE SOME PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE SHOULD START PRACTICING SAFE SEX.

I'LL JUST GO A LITTLE FASTER.

OKAY, BROTHER.

UH, NO, I DON'T THINK YOU COULD GET ANY FASTER.

[laughs] NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU MUST MISUNDERSTAND ME

WHEN I SAY, "WE NEED TO TAKE SOME PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES."

THAT MEANS YOU NEED TO TAKE PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES.

THAT'S THE "WE" I'M TALKING ABOUT.

OH, YOU MEAN THE WAY WE BOUGHT THIS HOUSE,

AND WE BOUGHT THE AND WE PAY ALL THE BILLS.

THAT "WE"?

I NEED TO CAUTION YOU FROM GOING DOWN THAT "WE" ROAD.

THAT ROAD DOWN THERE, THAT'S A DARK ROAD.

NO, SEE, WE WILL START DOING THE COOKING,

WE WILL START CLEANING,

AND WE WILL BE GETTING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

WHEN THE KIDS ARE SICK, OKAY?

AND THAT DOES MEAN YOU... YOU, YOU, YOU.

OKAY, SO WHY DON'T WE TRY CONDOMS?

NO, BABY, THAT'S NOT FOOLPROOF.

I DON'T WANT TO END UP LIKE THIS.

TRUST ME, WHEN YOU TURN 67, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE IT.

WILL YOU STOP IT!

COBWEBS.

[laughs]

TUMBLEWEEDS... TAKE A LOOK AT THOSE. WILL YOU BE QUIET!

WHA I'M BEING SERIOUS. T?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? WE NEED TO TAKE PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES!

OKAY, IT'S SO FUNNY THAT THIS IS BROUGHT UP TODAY.

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS LATELY,

AND I THINK YOU NEED TO GET A VASECTOMY.

WHOA! HEY! HELL, NO.

COME AGAIN?

THAT'S THE POINT, OKAY?

ME AND MY FRIEND, MY REAL-LIFE PARTNER, LITTLE MICHAEL...

WHO? PRINCE MICHAEL.

WHO? MICHELANGEL O.

THE ARTIST?

YEAH, YOU SEE THE KIDS HE MADE.

LOOK, HE DOES NOT SHARP OBJECTS, OKAY?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO GET YOUR TUBES TIED?

MICHAEL, THAT'S A MAJOR OPERATION.

A VASECTOMY IS JUST A LITTLE SNIP, SNIP.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A SNIP, SNIP.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING A LITTLE CHOP, CHOP,

OR A LITTLE STAB, STAB,

OR A LITTLE KICK, KICK, AROUND ON THE GROUND

AND SMASH IT AROUND AND THROW IT UNDERNEATH THE CAR

AND DRIVE BACK AND FORTH...

A LITTLE DRIVE, DRIVE, SMASH, SMASH.

YOU KNOW, YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A LITTLE BABY RIGHT NOW.

I CANNOT BELIEVE... LOOK... W HY?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT NOBODY MESSING AROUND

DOWN THERE EXCEPT YOU?

FINE, THEN I'LL DO IT.

I'LL FIND THE SCISSORS WHOA! HEY! WAIT!

SOME RUSTY, DUSTY, CRUSTY, RS,

I HOPE YOU GET LOCKJAW, LIKE...

SHH!

WOMAN!

OKAY, MICHAEL, FINE.

WOULD YOU AT LEAST THINK ABOUT

GETTING A VASECTOMY, PLEASE?

OKAY, I'LL GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT.

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT. NO, I'M NOT DOING IT.

FINE, THEN WE'RE NOT DOING IT.

HA! FINE.

I'LL GO GET THE 67-YEAR-OLD. SHE'S PUTTING OUT.

I'LL JUST TAKE THAT WIG OFF.

EW! [gagging]

[door bell rings]

HEY, TONY, WHAT'S UP?

I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE LAST NIGHT.

ABOUT WHAT?

I'M ATHOW I'M GOING NEXT KNOWWEEK.

YEAH.

AND I'M IN LINE WITH ALL THE OTHER CAMPERS,

AND GOD'S JUDGING US.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.

I KNOW, BUT HE WAS GIVING THE OTHER CAMPERS ATTENTION.

I COULDN'T EVEN GET HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME.

DID YOU ACTUALLY SEE GOD? OH, YEAH.

WHAT'D HE LOOK LIKE?

SAME AS ALWAYS... FOREST WHITAKER.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT, THOUGH.

THE POINT IS, IS THAT IT WAS TERRIFYING.

I'M THE MOST RELIGIOUS PERSON AT BIBLE CAMP.

I'M THE MOST DEVOUT. I MEAN, I NEVER SIN.

DO YOU EVER THINK OF ME WHEN YOU'RE AT BIBLE CAMP?

SURE.

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE BOMB.

BUT WHENEVER I DO, I JUST SLAM MY HEAD INTO A WALL

UNTIL THOSE IMPURE THOUGHTS GO AWAY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS.

OW!

O-O-O-O-KAY.

WHY?

HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR LATELY, CLAIRE?

OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

ATTRACTIVE, AREN'T UNI? LIEVABLY

YEAH, YOU'RE IRRESISTIBLE.

ANYBODY CAN RESIST ANOTHER GIRL,

BUT I'M GETTING HUGE POINTS FOR RESISTING YOU.

I MEAN, THE DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY HERE IS ENORMOUS.

YOU ARE SO HOT!

A-A-A-AH!

OW!

[groans]

OHH!

PHEW!

LOOK, THE POINT IS,

IS I JUST NEED A WAY TO GET GOD'S ATTENTION.

WHY DON'T YOU FEED THE POOR?

EVERYBODY DOES THAT. BESIDES, THEY GET HUNGRY AGAIN.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU READ TO THE BLIND?

BOOKS ON TAPE... NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.

WHY DON'T YOU BE A COMPANION TO THE ELDERLY?

[sighs] THEY'RE LIKE GOLDFISH...

AS SOON AS YOU GET ATTACHED, THEY JUST DIE.

NO, THERE'S AN EASIER WAY TO GET GOD'S ATTENTION

AND I THINK I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

WHAT IS IT? WILL YOU MAKE ME A HAT?

[scoffs]

HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET GOD'S ATTENTION WITH A HAT?

HE LOOKS DOWN ON US FROM ABOVE.

HELLO? THE FIRST THING HE SEES IS YOUR HAT.

YOUR HAT?

YEAH, 'CAUSE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

ALL THE TOP RELIGIOUS GUYS HAVE HATS.

POPE... BIG HAT. RABBIS... BIG, FURRY HAT.

REVEREND AL SHARPTON... HUGE HAIR HELMET.

BOTTOM LINE, GOD LOVES A KOOKY HAT.

ALL RIGHT, I GUESS, SINCE WE DON'T DO ANYTHING ANYWAYS.

WHAT KIND OF HAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT SOMETHING THAT'S WARM AND HUMBLE,

THAT SAYS, "HEY, GOD, I'M YOUR MAN."

[chuckles] OKAY, I'LL TRY.

BUT FIRST, YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME.

ANYTHING.

GOT TO GIVE ME A KISS.

[sighs]

A-A-A-AH! OW!

[groans]

OHH!

GET... ICE... NOW.

[baby crying]

♪ ROCK A BYE, BABY, ON THE TREE TOP ♪

[baby crying]

♪ WHEN THE WIND BLOWS THE CRADLE WILL ROCK ♪

♪ WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS THE CRADLE WILL FALL ♪

♪ AND DOWNCRADLE AND BABY ALL ♪

BOY, HE SURE IS FUSSY.

I KNOW, I'VE BEEN SINGING TO HIM FOR HALF AN HOUR,

HE JUST KEEPS CRYING.

LET ME TRY.

OH, JUNIOR, PLEASE.

IF HE WON'T QUIET FOR ME, YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE.

DOESN'T HURT TO TRY, DOES IT?

OKA Y.

THANK YOU. [chuckles]

HEY, LITTLE MAN.

♪ GWHY YOU WANNA HURT UNDERSTAME ♪

♪ AFTERI'VE DONE FOR THINGYOU ♪

CHAMPAGNE AND GAVE ROSES ♪ YOU

♪ WITH DIAMONDS ON YOUR FINGER ♪

♪ DIAMONDS ON YOUR FINGER ♪

♪ STILL YOU HANG OUT ALL NIGHT ♪

♪ WHAT AM I TO DO? ♪

♪ MY BABY WANTS TO ♪

♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ MY BABY WANTS TO ♪

♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪

[gasping]

♪ WOO HOO HOO ♪

OH, MY GOSH.

HE'S SEE? ASLEEP.

THE BABY JUST APPRECIATES GOOD SINGING, THAT'S ALL.

GOOD GOOD MORNING. MORNING.

[laughs] HOW'D YOU SLEEP?

OH, NOT TOO WELL, MICHAEL, NOT TOO WELL.

AND TURNED ALL NIGHT.D

YOU DID? I SURE DID.

WOW.

AND I WOKE UP WITH MY SLIP AROUND MY ANKLES.

THAT'S STRANGE, 'CAUSE I WOKE UP WITH MY DRAWERS OFF.

MICHAEL...

DID I NOT TELL YOU THAT WE WERE NOT HAVING SEX TOGETHER?

DID I NOT TELL YOU THAT?

WE DID NOT... I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I JUST... PEEKED...

TOOK A COUPLE OF PICTURES...

OKAY!

SANG IT A LITTLE LULLABY.

NO, NO, NO.

REGARDLESS, I WANT YOU SLEEPING ON THE COUCH

UNTIL THIS ISSUE IS RESOLVED.

SNEAKING YOUR LITTLE PEEKS.

OH, COME ON... AND THE PICTURES.

BUT LISTEN, WHAT THE...

LOOK, BABY, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

MICHAEL, I AM SO SERIOUS.

I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES WITH YOU.

I'M LOCKING THE DOOR!

THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER SOLUTION

THAN FOR ME TO GET CUT.

BABY, YOU EITHER GET CUT OR YOU GETS CUT OFF

FROM ALL OF THIS AND SOME OF THAT, TOO.

I AM SO SERIOUS ABOUT THIS, MICHAEL.

WHY?

WHY? BECAUSE I HAD MY THREE CHILDREN ALREADY, MICHAEL!

AND I HAD TO WATCH MY BODY BECOME DEMOLISHED!

I SUFFERED, TOO.

HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU SUFFER?!

YOUR BODY GETHAD TO DEMOLISHED! CH

AND WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL THAT?

AND I HAD TO WAIT AND HOPE THAT IT GOT REBUILT, AND IT DID.

IT'S PERFECT, AND I CAN'T KEEP MY HANDS OFF IT.

LET ME SHOW YOU SOME PICTURES. NO!

THERE'S NO OTHER WAY?

NO, THERE'S NO OTHER WAY.

ALL RIGHT, JAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS GOES AGAINST EVERY INSTINCT IN MY BODY.

BUT IF YOU WANT TO EMASCULATE ME

AND TURN ME INTO SOME FLAMING EUNUCH...

I'LL DO IT.

OOH, THANK YOU!

THANK YOU, BABY!

THANK YOU!

[Cuban accent] SAY GOODBYE TO MY LITTLE FRIEND.

[sighs]

HEY!

TODAY'S THE DAY OF YOUR BIG APPOINTMENT!

YEAH, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE BIG ANYMORE.

OH, MICHAEL, IT'S GONNA GO WELL.

WILL YOU STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC?

WHAT TIME IS YOUR APPOINTMENT, ANYWAY?

[knife cuts OH! loudly]

AT NOON.

[knife chopping]

WHAT KIND OF APPOINTMENT IS IT, DAD?

IT'S A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU HAVING DONE?

SOME OF THAT. HMM.

BABY, YOU SHOULD GET THERE REALLY, REALLY EARLY.

IT'LL BE OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT... SNIP, SNIP.

HEY, MOM, I'VE NEVER MADE A HAT BEFORE.

SHOULD I CUT AOFF OFE MORE THIS?

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT COULDN'T HURT.

JUST CUT A LITTLE OFF AT THE END.

I'LL JUST RIP THIS PART. OHH!

OOH, THE TIP CAME OFF.

I CUT TOO MUCH.

THAT'S OKAY.

THAT'S OKAY. WE DON'T NEED THAT.

AW.

WE DON'T... DO IT AGAIN.

AHH!

ALL RIGHT, OKAY. THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.

THERE YOU GO.

WAIT, NOT THIS ONE... THIS ONE'S TOO SMALL.

[laughter]

AH, JUST THROW IT AWAY. YEAH.IT'S USELESS.

[laughter]

JAY, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!

WHAT? MICHAEL, WHOA!

I CANNOT DO THIS! WHOA, WHOA, MICHAEL!

I'M NOT GONNA DO IT! WHOA! WHOA!

YOU HAVE TO DO THIS.

WHAT IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG, JAY? HUH?

WHAT IF THE DOCTOR SLIPS

AND IT BECOMES USELESS, AND HE TOSSES IT AWAY?

OH, COME ON, WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

IN THE MIDDLE OF THEWER SURGERY? AGE

I COULD GO FROM "MIKE" TO "MONK" IN LESS THAN A MINUTE.

THAT CAN'T HAPPEN, MICHAEL,

BECAUSE HOSPITALS HAVE BACKUP GENERATORS.

YEAH? WELL, I DON'T HAVE A BACKUP GENERATOR.

ALL I GOT IS THIS ONE.

AND I'D LIKE TO KEEP HIM GENERATING

FOR AS LONG AS HE'S BEEN GENERATING.

'CAUSE I GOT USED TO HIM, JAY.

I KNOW HIM LIKE BACK OF MY HAND.

AND THE FRONT... AND RIGHT HERE.

MICHAEL, NOTHING IS GONNA GO WRONG.

IT'S A ROUTINE PROCEDURE.

BESIDES, WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THIS,

WE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

BUCK WILD UP INNA HERE. GET

BUCKETY-BUCK-BUCK WILD?

OH, BABY,

'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO GET ALL OF THIS,

ALL THE TIME.

ALL OF THAT, ALL THE TIME?

ALL OF THIS...

ALL THE TIME.

WHOA.

ALL RIGHT, LET ME CONSULT WITH THE PRINCE RIGHT HERE.

[sighs]

HEY, LOOK, THAT'S...

YOU CAN'T BEAT ALL OF THAT, ALL THE TIME.

THIS IS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION, ME AND MY MAN.

LOOK, MAN, HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO...

WHAT ELSE YOU WANT?

[sighs]

[clears throat]

HE WANTS TO SEE "ALL OF THIS, ALL THE TIME" AGAIN.

ALL OF THIS...

RIGHT.

ALL THE TIME.

ALL THAT, MAN.

YOU SEE? ALL THAT.

WE'RE IN.

GOOD! OKAY, OKAY.

SO, BABY, WHEN YOU START TO GET NERVOUS...

YE AH?

YOU JUST GO AHEAD, AND YOU THINK

"ALL OF THIS, ALL THE TIME."

ALL OF THAT, ALL THE GO ON, GO ON. TIME.

HEY, YOU WANT TO KISS US GOODBYE?

GOODBYE, MICHAEL. [kisses]

NOW, REMEMBER, KEEP USING THE ICE.

[high-pitched voice] OKAY, I WILL.

MICHAEL KYLE.

[high-pitched voice] HERE.

[normal voice] I MEAN, AHEM, HERE. HERE.

DR. SHAKEY WILL SEE YOU NOW.

DOCTOR WHO? SHAKEY.

WOULD YOU RATHER SEE DR. HATCHETT?

IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE?

WELL, DR. HACKENTOSS IS AVAILABLE.

NO, YOU KNOW, I'LL GO WITH SHAKEY.

I'LL GO WITH SHAKEY.

HI, I'M DR. SHAKEY.

IS THAT YOUR REAL NAME?

NO, IT'S A NICKNAME.

MY REAL NAME IS TRIMBLE.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU. THAT'S... WHOA.

WHOA.

[laughter]

OH, THIS?

DON'T WORRY, I OPERATE WITH THIS HAND.

IT'S THE CAFFEINE.

HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, DOC... TRIPLE ESPRESSO.

IT'S NOT DECAF, IS IT?

OF COURSE HOW MANY SUGARS? NOT.

SIX...

TEEN.

PERFECT.

UH, HERE. UH, I COULD USE A HAND.

YEAH, YEAH. WHOA, HEY, HOLD ON.

AAH, AAH! IT'S HOT! THAT'S HOT!

THAT'S HOT! HOT! HOT!

BURNING HOT!

OH, I BURNED MYSELF.

NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO OPERATE WITH THIS HAND.

ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN DO THIS?

ABSOLUTELY.

FIRST, THE NURSE WILL GET YOU SHAVED AND PREPPED.

I'LL BE BACK IN TWO SHAKES.

OKAY.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO STAND BACK WHILE I DISROBE.

[chuckles]

NOT YET.

TIFFANY?

OH, TIFFANY? SHE GONNA BRING IN THE TROOPS.

[chuckles]

TIFFANY? YEA H?

SHAVE AND PREP MR. KYLE.

WHOA!

DROP YOUR DRAWERS.

I'M... BUT... I... YOU WANT ME TO DO IT FOR YOU?

NO, TIFF! TIFF, NO!

NO. I-I CAN HANDLE IT MYSELF.

I'VE BEEN HANDLING IT MY WHOLE LIFE.

THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

BUT I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT, ALL RIGHT?

[groaning]

OH, MY GOD! MICHAEL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HOME!

[gasps] ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I THINK SO. IT WAS SO PAINFUL, JAY.

OH, BABY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU'RE SO... YOU'RE SO BRAVE.

I KNOW I AM. I AM BRAVE.YES, YOU ARE!

AND JUST REMEMBER, BABY,

WHEN YOU'RE ALL BETTER, YOU GET ALL OF THIS.

WELL, BABY, ANYWAY, HOW LONG IS YOUR RECOVERY TIME?

THE DOCTOR SAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO ABSTAIN

FOR AT LEAST SIX OR SEVEN HOURS.

HOURS? YEAH.

DON'T YOU MEAN DAYS?

NO, THAT'S BACK IN THE OLD TIME

WHEN THEY USED PLIERS AND A FISH KNIFE.

NOW THEY GOT LASERS AND A LAPTOP.

THEY DID "FFZT!" AND IT'S DONE.

REALLY? YEAH.

WITH A LASER, APPED MICHAEL? YOU

YEAH, THEY DID.

FROM THE INSIDE, SO THERE'S NO SCARRING, JUST A BIG BALD SPOT.

FROM THE INSIDE? HOW DID THEY DO THAT, MICHAEL?

SEE, THEY GO IN THROUGH THE NAVEL, RIGHT?

AND THEN THEY SEND A CAMERA BEHIND THE ESOPHAGUS

AND THEY JUST HIDE THERE, RIGHT?

AND THEN WHEN THE PENIS AIN'T LOOKING, THEY POUNCE ON IT.

AND THEY HOG-TIE IT, AND THEN THEY DONE, LIKE THAT.

WOW! THEN, WHAT'S THE ICE FOR?

OH, THAT'S FOR THE SWELLING. THE UNWANTED SWELLING.

OHH... SO, UH, YOU THINK BY, UH, TONIGHT...

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH, WE GONNA... TONIGHT, IT GOES DOWN.

OH, MICHAEL, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, BABY!

I'M GONNA LET YOU SHOW ME LATER.

[giggling]

ARE YOU READY? YEAH, I'M EXCITED.

CLAIRE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE

YOU DOING THIS FOR ME.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

OKAY, CLOSE YOUR EYES.

ALL RIGHT.

TA-DA! [giggles]

WELL, IT FEELS GOOD. [nervous laughter]

TAKE A LOOK.

WOW! THIS IS AMAZING.

OH, IT'S EVERYTHING I DREAMT IT WOULD BE.

CAN YOU...

[cries] IMAGINE...

I... HOLD ON.

WHAT KIND OF WORLD WE WOULD LIVE IN

IF EVERYONE HAD A HAT LIKE THIS?

YEAH... IT'D BE GREAT, ALL RIGHT,

AS LONG AS I DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE THEM ALL.

NOW... W-WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

YNOT EM S'TI DOG IH?

WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT GERMAN?

NO, IT'S BACKWARDS.

IT SAYS, "HI, GOD, IT'S ME, TONY."

YOU SAID WHEN GOD LOOKS DOWN,

THE FIRST THING HE SEES IS YOUR HAT.

THAT'S RIGHT. OH, THANK YOU, CLAIRE.

AHH, I'M GONNA BE THE ENVY OF EVERY KID AT BIBLE CAMP.

WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS A SIN TO BE ENVIOUS.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S THEIR SIN, NOT MINE.

IT'S GONNA MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.

GEE, TONY, THAT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.

TRICKING THE OTHER CAMPERS SO GOD WILL LIKE YOU MORE?

TO HELL WITH THEM, CLAIRE.

THIS IS ABOUT BEING GOD'S FAVORITE.

IF THIS HAT DOES THAT, SO BE IT.

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD TRY TO TRICK GOD.

CLAIRE, YOU STICK TO MAKING HATS,

AND I'LL DEAL WITH THE MAN UPSTAIRS.

HA, HA, HA, HA,

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

[laughing uproariously]

[baby crying]

JUNIOR!

[baby crying]

♪ WHEN I WAS JUST A LITTLE GIRL ♪

♪ I ASKED MY MOTHER WHAT WILL I BE? ♪

♪ WILL I BE PRETTY... ♪

[baby crying]

[sighs] OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT IT? YOU GOT IT!

♪ MY BOY WANTS TO PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ MY BOY WANTS TO PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ PARTY ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO ♪

[whispers] YES.

HEY, YOU READY? [chuckles]

LET ME CHECK WITH MY LITTLE COMPADRE.

YEP, HE READY.

[laughter]

OOH!

MICHAEL, OH, MY GOD, I AM SO MUCH MORE EXCITED

NOW THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

OH, YOU'RE IN MY AREA. LOOK, THE TOES ARE CURLING!

MICHAEL, I FEEL SO TOTALLY FREE AND UNINHIBITED.

I SEE. UM, WAIT.

HEY, JAY, WHOA. STOP A SECOND.

WHAT? YOU WANT NURSE JAY TO TAKE A LOOK AT IT?

WHOA!

WANT HER TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE SPANKING?

YEAH, I DO, BUT... BUT YOU BETTER NOT.

LISTEN. LISTEN. WHAT?

JAY? YES?

I DIDN'T DO IT.

I COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT, BABY.

OH, MY GOD! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!

NO, LISTEN, JAY!

THE WHOLE THOUGHT OF IT

MADE ME FEEL LIKE I'M LESS THAN A MAN,

LIKE I'D BE FIRING BLANKS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I'M SORRY! YOU SHOULD BE SORRY, MICHAEL!

BABY, DON'T BE ANGRY.

LOOK, TRY TO UNDERSTAND. FOR A GUY, IT'S DIFFERENT.

WOMEN GO TO DOCTORS ALL THE TIME.

IT'S LIKE HAVING AN ENTIRE PIT CREW DOWN THERE.

FOR A GUY, YOU GET ONE EXAM.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE A KID, 15.

THE DOCTOR SAYS, "TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH," AND THAT'S IT.

AND YOU DON'T GO BACK

UNTIL THERE'S BLOOD OR FIRE SHOOTING OUT.

OH, MICHAEL!

IT'S TRUE!

YOU ARE EXAGGERATING SO BAD RIGHT NOW... YOU REALLY ARE!

FOR A MAN... THIS IS ALL I GOT!

SELFISH, OU ARE MICHAEL! SO

OH, I'M BEING SELFISH? YES!

OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THIS?

GOD FORBID YOU DIE,

AND I END UP WITH SOME HOT, 25-YEAR-OLD SOUTH BEACH MODEL.

HUH? AND SHE WANTS TO HAVE MY KIDS.

WHAT DO I TELL HALLE, JAY? WHAT DO I SAY TO HER?

YOU SAY YOU HAVE SOME KIDS OF YOUR OWN, MICHAEL.

OKAY, AND SPEAKING OF KIDS, WHAT ABOUT JUNIOR?

WHAT IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE A SERIAL KILLER?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HE GOT POTENTIAL.

THERE'S SOMETHING EVIL IN THAT BIG HEAD OF HIS.

I DON'T GOTOU NOBODY.NE,

WHAT DO I TELL THE SOUTH BEACH MODEL, HUH?

WHAT DO I SAY TO HALLE?

TELL ME, JAY, WHAT DO I TELL HALLE?

'CAUSE SHE'S GONNA WANT TO KNOW.

HALLE NEEDS ANSWERS!

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU MAKE A COMPELLING ARGUMENT.

I WILL GO MAKE MY APPOINTMENT TO GET MY TUBES TIED TOMORROW,

SO YOU AND HALLE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

NO, NO, BABY. HOLD ON.

NO?

NO, I CAN'T. I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU DO THAT.

REALLY, YEAH. MICHAEL?

I'LL MAKE THE APPOINTMENT FOR YOU.

I'LL JUST PICK UP... I'LL JUST CALL AND SET EVERYTHING UP.

♪ HELLO, GOD, IT'S TONY ♪

♪ NOT SOME OTHER PHONY ♪

♪ PEOPLE ONLY CALL YOU ♪

♪ WHEN THEY NEED A F-A-A-V-O-O-O-O-R ♪

[thunderclap, lightning strike]

[electricity buzzing]

HEY, YOU ALL SET? YEAH .

LOOK, BABY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS, OKAY?

AND I WANT YOU TO CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO INTO THE HOSPITAL

AND HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT TRAUMA.

IT'D BE MUCH EASIER FOR ME JUST TO GET THE VASECTOMY.

TO HELL WITH HALLE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE, MICHAEL.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE I'M PREGNANT.

[audience oohs]

OKAY, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT...

POPE... BIG, FURRY HAT.

RABBIS... BIG HAT.

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

ALL THE TOP RELIGIOUS GUYS HAVE HATS.

RABBIS... BIG F... OH, MY GOD, OKAY.

YEAH, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, ALL THE TOP GUYS HAVE HATS.

POPE... BIG HAT. RABBIS... BIG, FURRY HAT.

OKAY, UH, UH, THE OTHER GUY, AL SHARPTON... AL SHARPTON...

[laughs]

ME AND MY LITTLE FRIEND, MY LIFE PARTNER...

WHO? LITTLE MICHAEL.

WHO? PRINCE MICHAEL.

WHO?

MIKEY.

MICHELANGEL O.

THE ARTIST?

THAT'S RIGHT... FORMERLY KNOWN AS RICHARD.