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Do you think the VIP is gonna have

regular-sized sandwiches?

The little sandwiches they have,

they don't be doin' it for a brother.

Why don't you just eat a bunch of those?

The bread-to-meat ratio
is whack, that's why.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

Oh, man, it's Cedric the Entertainer.

Eric Dickerson, the
legendary football player.

- What's up, man?
- How are you doing?

You know Charlie, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Big fan.

- Pleased to meet you, bro.
- Big fan of yours too.

Watched you walk off
people's space for years, bro.

Man, I ain't seen you
since I beat your butt

in that celebrity golf
tournament a year ago.

You sure about that,
that's what happened?

Oh, you need me to pull the
scorecard out to prove it?

I got it at the house
in a frame in my office.

He ain't joking either.

He got it with a little
light shining on it.

I heard you guys killing on tour.

- Aw, yeah.
- What you doin' in Dallas?

- I got an aunt that lives here.
- You know, family stuff.

Hey, think you can hook me
up with a couple tickets?

- I don't see why not.
- You know

I'll take care of you, now.

- Okay.
- You know.

- You got me?
- You got it.

I'm gonna give you a
couple tickets to the game,

that platinum wristband,
drinks, appetizers.

- Oh, yeah!
- ... !

I love them appetizers there

'cause they got the
grilled fried pickles.

So they grill 'em and then they fry 'em.

You know, you're gonna
get 'em in this batter...

with a light batter and
a Cajun dusting on it.

Man, you can get this at the game only.

- Swag.
- T-shirts.

It'd be all that. All the gifts.

The funny glasses? Okay? Okay?

- All right, man.
- There you go, man.

Consider it done, baby.

ED!

I got a question for you, bro.

How come you givin' away free
stuff to a multimillionaire?

- It's Eric Dickerson, man.
- Dude a legend.

I mean, I'm not gonna
disrespect him like that.

Plus, it's okay to give out tickets

to friends, family, or whatever.

Plus, he givin' me tickets.
You heard what he said.

He givin' me the platinum package.

Quid pro quo, man.

Ain't nuttin' wrong with that, Charlie.

You're slidin' down
a slippery slope, bro.

What you talkin' about?

I went through this with my sister.

She asked me for free
tickets. I told her no.

- No?
- That's right.

You're gonna have to learn
how to do the same thing.

Tell people no.

And once you learn how to say no,

then that's when you have to
start practicing saying hell no.

And your sister was okay with this?

I really don't know.

I haven't talked to ...
in the last three years.

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod -
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The Comedy Get Down 1x04
"No Tickets No Peace " Nov 2, 2017

Guys, we have a problem.

Yeah, we do have a problem.

White Terry lost my Bluetooth again.

We have bigger issues, okay?

That stuff you said last
night to the paparazzi?

- Me?
- Yah.

It made a lot of people upset.

- What stuff, DL?
- Right here.

- DL, DL, big fan.
- Hey, man.

What do you think about Caitlyn Jenner?

I don't think about
Caitlyn Jenner at all.

She is a very
beautiful woman, you know.

Beautiful woman?

To me, she look kinda
like Mrs. Doubtfire.

It's kinda hard for me to see beauty

with ... poking through your nightgown.

That's a little rough.

I can't help it she's strong faced.

And it's exactly attitudes like that

that have HAAPPY organizing
a blackout against us.

- HAAPPY?
- Who's HAAPPY?

It's a lesbian/gay/transgender
rights group.

You mean GLAAD?

HAAPPY... Homosexual Alliance

Against Perpetuating
Phobias of Yesteryear?

Oh, these gay people
gonna run out of initials.

Think of it this way, HAAPPY is like

GLAAD's drama filled cousin that watches

a lot of reality TV and loves
to yell back at the screen.

And they have come out swinging
by organizing this blackout.

What's a blackout?

- It sounds racist to me, George.
- Yah.

I'mma run to the mall and
get me a new Bluetooth.

- Can we go to the food court?
- I'm goin' there myself.

Sweet.

A blackout is a
different way to protest.

Basically, they go
to businesses and say,

hey, do you want their
business or our business?

What if our vendors choose
their business over our business?

We might have to shut down the show.

Cancel? Come on.

There's gotta be a better way to fix it.

Why don't we just get
other people to work?

We can stop by the parking lot
of any home improvement center

and pick up a couple
of George's cousins.

- Oh!
- There you go.

Again, you can't say stuff like that.

It offends people.

Ofcourse, I can be offensive,
as long as it's funny.

And I'm always both.

- That's right.
- We're comedians.

We shouldn't be held to the
same standards as normal people.

- Well, HAAPPY disagrees.
- And you know what?

So do about 20 protestors
who are standing outside,

preventing our vendors from
getting in and setting up

for the venue tonight.

I hate to say this, but if
this isn't handled quickly

and quietly, we're gonna have to
postpone until things calm down.

Think about what happens when
we get up to San Francisco.

Look, I don't wanna mess
this up for you cats.

- I'll step off.
- No, no, no.

Look, I'm gonna put an end to
all the protesting right now.

I'm composing a tweet. Check this out.

"We tell jokes, people.

"DL and The Comedy Get Down crew

"loves and supports all of
our LGBT brothers and sisters."

Wow, that was really nice.

And I was gonna end it with...

because it's 140 character limit...

"So get off our backs,
chimichanga nibblers."

And I put "#blacklivesmatter"
for you guys.

- Oh, please.
- That's way over.

- It's not the...
- It's 192 right there.

Stop!

What's with the metal detector?

Is this about the people from HAAPPY?

Because I thought my
tweet settled them down.

It did a little, but it
infuriated Moms in Arms.

They're an ultraconservative
family rights group.

According to them,

that tweet was promoting
alternative lifestyles.

Are you kidding me?

Wait a minute, we're
gonna be on the inside

and the protests are gonna be outside.

- Why do we need metal detectors?
- It's the venue's protocol.

- So what now?
- So now we either get shut down

because the protestors
cause a security hazard

or because more vendors pull out,

unless someone cleans up this mess.

Oh, because I'm Mexican,
I gotta clean it up.

All right, I'm Mexican too.
I can cut all these tires.

Hey! Don't try to play me.

This way.

We're the artists. We're not a threat.

Yeah, I thought that too

until I did security
at a Katt Williams show.

- Over here.
- This is just set for metal?

It don't pick up oregano or baked...

Just metal.

- I got my phone.
- Let me see.

Uh, forgot I went to a little
soul food restaurant early.

Had some really nice forks on there.

I got... oh, got these batteries.

Still got a beeper. Hit me on my thing.

And about... there's, like, 19 cent.

It's probably just my jewelry, though.

I don't care. Where's Charlie Murphy?

He on his way.

He got a girl?

Because I heard he's real freaky.

I wouldn't know about that.

Look, can I go now?

I'm gonna leave the
batteries. You can use them.

You're a little freaky yourself.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Will call's having some issues
with Eric's comp tickets.

What's wrong?

Hey, I have
someone here from the moms group

to speak to George. Should
I send them to his room?

Hey, what's up with the tickets?

No, wait. I need to
speak to George first.

And can someone please tell me

if there's a conference
room in this building?

Okay, you know what?

I'll just go handle the
Eric ticket situation.

Thank you.

Hey, yo, man, what the hell is this?

They can't protect a dog from fleas,

or a scalp from dandruff.

Just some metaphors I'm
putting together for my act.

How would you feel if I
called you an ugly woman, huh?

That's a lot better than
what they call me on Fox News.

Not everything is a joke,
all right, Mr. Comedian?

Oh, you're so funny, huh?

That was like putting lighter
fluid on a forest fire, bro.

You burned the joint down,
man. You burned it down!

Awesome.

That was...

Hold up, Charlie Murphy.

Random check, come
on. Hold your arms up.

Spread those legs for me, come on.

- Hey, what's up?
- What's the...

- Whoa!
- I knew you'd be packin'.

You're not supposed
to touch me like that.

You shouldn't be working here.

Hey, excuse me.

Is there an issue with
Eric Dickerson's tickets?

Talk to them.

Charlie, what are you
doin' out there, man?

Here's the generous man himself.

He believes in charity and
all things of that nature.

Oh, good.

Hi, I'm Caldonia, Eric's aunt.

You must be "Cee-dric" the Entetainer.

You have tickets for us.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Actually, it's "Ceh-dric."

"Po-tay-to," "po-tah-ta."

Actually, it's "Po-tay-ta."

- Where's Eric?
- Oh, he'll be here.

But I hope you're not
gonna make an old lady wait.

At my age, the only
thing worth waiting for

is Jesus and a kiss from Denzel.

Why are all the big girls
so horny down here in Dallas?

- Excuse me?
- No, I'm on it.

Let me, uh...

We got tickets for Eric Dickerson?

This is it? Here you go, babe.

One, two.

"Cee-dric," we're gonna
need way more than two.

- Come on, y'all.
- Ced got you.

See more of Eric's family!

- Oh, hell, no.
- Oh, hell, yeah.

- Ticket sales lookin' good?
- Sold out.

Our whole tour is sold out,
you know what I'm sayin'?

- This is the Get Down.
- All right, of course.

Oh..... , no! I ain't
goin' in there, man!

Remember, Nina said

the venue may need some
more security as a precaution

because of the protestors.

That's what they want you to think.

Like, they want you to think
there's a place called Delaware.

You ever seen somebody from Delaware?

Well, actually, Vice President
Joe Biden is from Delaware.

Is he really?

Have you seen that mother
... birth certificate?

- No.
- I didn't think so.

I ain't goin' through here,
man. You understand me?

I got a phobia. I ain't no terrorist.

You're gonna have to do somethin',

you know what I'm sayin'?

I mean, Eddie, you have a show.

No show!

Make it happen, you understand me?

- Make it happen.
- Okay, yeah.

No, it's worse.

The protestors have formed a
human blockade at the entrance.

But the leaders of both groups
have agreed to move their people

if you'll speak with them.

Okay, but I'm not apologizing.

He's right.

Apologizing is accepting censorship.

I was willing to back
out and take the heat,

but I'm never willing to back down

and do something I don't want to do.

That's how I ended
up doing "Soul Plane."

You did "Soul Plane"?

My wife needed hardwood floors.

Look, you're right, okay?

You can't compromise your beliefs.

You can't apologize.

But maybe you can use your charm, right?

Get them to love you the
way everyone loves you.

Nice smile, George.

Hello, mothers.

LBGT, I'm guessing you're Q.

I just wanted you to know
that "Orange is the New Black"

is my favorite show.

I love it. And, well, look.

We tell jokes. It's what we do.

That's right. That's what we do.

Okay, I enjoy a laugh
as much as the next guy,

but there's a line.

But we're comedians, ma'am.

And you know, sometimes,
we're gonna cross that line?

Ma'am? No.

I do not gender identify

nor subscribe to the
heteronormative binary, okay?

You can refer to me as a person
or by my chosen name, Zenith.

Zenith? What, is Magnavox taken?

No?

Okay, alright..look,

Show of hands, who all here is
with Eric Dickerson's family?

Who is this dude?

Oh, that's my daughter's babydaddy.

She wanted her kids to have good hair.

Here you go, my man.

All right, y'all, I got one ticket left.

I'll take that.

Are you serious? Come on.

- You go down.
- I'm going down.

- Okay, go back.
- Go back.

- Got it, got it.
- Thanks, man.

Okay, that's it.

Hey, Ced, look who I found.

More of Eric's family!

What?

- Step right up, y'all.
- Step right up.

Give me a couple of more tickets.

Sorry, you're all out of comps.

You're gonna have to buy more tickets.

- Fine, you know what?
- I'll pay for them.

Go ahead, how much is it?

That'll be $654.

$600?

That's an expensive show right here.

To everybody but the Dickersons.

All right, all right, okay.

Do you got any more shrimp cocktail?

You ate it all.

Good.

Okay. Excuse me for a second.

Hey, uh, Caldonia, when
is Eric gonna get here?

I told you he was running a little late.

Why are you worrying man?

He said you was gonna take care of us

the way he was gonna take care of you.

- Ain't that right?
- You're right.

Look at you, man.

You runnin' around here,
takin' care of folks.

You remind me of Forest Whitaker.

What's that movie he played
where he played the butler?

"The Butler."

Oh.

No, man, I ain't nothin' like that.

I'm just over here

teaching Aunt Caldonia
how to Milly Rock, right?

Hey, where you get them
chicken fingers from?

All he had was some
undercooked vegetables.

Actually, they're steamed vegetables.

You know they're healthier for you.

I use steam

to get the wrinkles out
of my choir robe, not cook.

You need to get some real
food up in here, "Cee-dric."

Yes, some real food, "Cee-dric."

- Pizza.
- Pizza?

Pizza.

Pizza! Pizza!

Okay, all right, everybody.
I'll get pizza for everybody.

Hey, yo, yo, bro! What
are you doin' in my jacket?

- We're the same size, dawg.
- No, we're not.

- I think the shoes fit, man.
- You think so?

Oh.

My bad, fam.

No justice, no peace!
No justice, no peace!

No justice, no peace!

No justice, no peace!

Get with it, man!

Please, please understand
that as comedians,

we're equal opportunists.

Everyone can and will get roasted.

Take, for instance, George's haircut.

Look how ... up it is.

It looks like Charlie Sheen
after he went batshit crazy.

You see what I did?

I got a laugh, and yet
I still brought attention

to mental illness and HIV.

That's true. Is my hair ... up?

No, no.

The point is, everyone is fair game.

And it doesn't matter to us

whether you call yourself he or she.

That's your choice. We don't judge.

God made that choice.

If you're born a boy, you're a he.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah, listen, can we just play nice...

So you don't think someone
should have a sex change?

God no! It's unnatural.

Zenith, get over there.

Don't act that way with that...

I say labels are unnecessary.

- Yes, they are.
- That's right.

You're sick. You're unnatural.

Ah, hello, Nina.

What's going on?

Well, we got them arguing
and so mad at each other,

they forgot about protesting our show.

Oh, perfect! Thank you.

All right, now, don't cause
any more trouble today.

You're gonna push me to brown liquor.

And I am too cute to be a drunk.
We're taking the stage in 15!

She's good, but not as good as we are.

- Nobody's as good as us.
- That's true.

How can this be racist? They're black.

Massa always gets one to
keep the rest of us in line.

You ain't never seen "Django"?

I've tried everything. He won't budge.

You tell him that I don't
have time to deal with this

because I had to break up that fistfight

that George and DL instigated
and order a bunch of pizzas

for everyone in Ced's dressing room.

And now what? He doesn't want
to be treated like a criminal?

This from the man who was
banned from a Dippin' Dots?

You tell him to get his
ass in here right now.

Say it just like that.

She says, please go through, Eddie.

Ha!

I can't with this right now.

No, he is literally
taking years off my life.

You deal with it.

She hung up.

Look, he is never going through there.

- I'm just doin' my job.
- And I'm trying to do mine.

So tell me, how can I get him inside

without going through the detector?

Maybe we can make an arrangement.

I'm listening.

Yo, the show's on in,
like, five minutes, bro.

You know what? You're right.

That's it. That's it right here.

Aunt Caldonia, seriously, where is Eric?

I didn't tell you.

He wasn't gonna make it after all.

He said to give you this.

Thanks for everything, "Cee-dric."

Eric Dickerson's platinum tickets, baby.

Yeah!

That's what I'm talkin'
'bout right here.

What is it, one ticket?

You know what? That's all right.

I actually like going to
the football game by myself.

Section 230 preseason? What the hell?

Hold on, man.

What is this shit?

Yeah, I think I can squeeze into this.

All right, you know what? Everybody out.

Everybody get the ... out! All of you!

Everybody named Dickerson
get out of this room!

Get the ... outta here! Get outta here!

By the way, guys, enjoy the show, okay?

I hope you enjoy the show. Thanks.

Don't... no, don't even say it.

I told you, baby.

You need to stop trying to
be so nice to people man.

You see what they did?

They got your blood
pressure up there, see?

Oh, my jacket! Man, dang it all!

Can somebody get a thimble?

You see, the problem
with the world right now

is that everything you
hear, you have to like.

That's not the world.

It creates small minds.
It creates small thinkers.

And I'm not talking about midget ... .

You think that's funny, Jake?

Now we're gonna have
the little people on us.

I believe the PC term

is vertically challenged
little mother ... .

Eddie, thank goodness.

I didn't think you were
gonna go through security.

I didn't have to.

- Then how...
- White Terry cut a deal.

- You don't wanna know.
- I... I think I do.

Charlie Murphy.

I was promised I could
search you all night.

You ain't supposed to be back here.

Security!

Security's already here, baby.

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