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1
00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:06,381
♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,259
D'oh!
3
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,058
[straining]
4
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:19,602
Come on, come on. Stupid neck.
5
00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:23,023
{\an8}[groans] After all the food
I put down you.
6
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,107
{\an8}[inhales]
7
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{\an8}Mmm, button. [groaning]
8
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:34,117
{\an8}Homie. What's going on?
9
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:37,370
{\an8}Knee?
10
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,873
{\an8}HAIM? Lick?
11
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,042
{\an8}[gasps] Need Heimlich.
12
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,668
{\an8}[groans]
13
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{\an8}Well played, Marge.
14
00:00:48,339 --> 00:00:52,218
{\an8}For God's sakes, why don't you
just buy a shirt with a bigger neck?
15
00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:54,971
{\an8}Neck shaming, Marge. Neck shaming.
16
00:00:54,971 --> 00:00:56,765
{\an8}That's not a thing.
17
00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,850
{\an8}Who made you president of things?
18
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{\an8}Quit your bickering. We'll be late.
19
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:04,314
{\an8}Dad, we were saving that suit
for you to be buried in.
20
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{\an8}This isn't my funeral?
21
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{\an8}Oh. [moans]
22
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{\an8}- [orchestral music playing]
- [tires screech]
23
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:16,701
{\an8}Hmm.
24
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{\an8}[Gabbo] He-Hey!
25
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{\an8}It's the 35th annual Springie Awards
honoring our town's finest.
26
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{\an8}And here's Ms. Hoover.
27
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{\an8}Who are you wearing?
28
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{\an8}Same thing I always wear.
I can only afford one dress.
29
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:41,768
{\an8}[chuckles] Teachers. We can never
repay you for all you do, so we won't.
30
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:45,063
{\an8}Rainier Wolfcastle. What are you up for?
31
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{\an8}I'm a presenter.
32
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{\an8}I'll be backstage in the greenroom
gobbling up the caprese panini.
33
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:58,493
{\an8}[announcer] And now, please welcome
your host for this evening.
34
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{\an8}He's charming, he's svelte,
he's got beer on his belt.
35
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{\an8}-Duffman!
- Oh, yeah.
36
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{\an8}This shamelessly
self-indulgent awards show
37
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is brought to you by Duff Lite.
38
00:02:10,421 --> 00:02:14,467
Some right-wing groups have accused
our beer of being too woke.
39
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:18,805
Let me say the only thing
our beer stands for is getting drunk,
40
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,892
getting fat, and buying more
till you pass out.
41
00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:25,019
God bless America.
42
00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:26,187
Can I still say that?
43
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- Oh, yeah.
- [audience cheers]
44
00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,107
So if you have a chance,
45
00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:33,027
take your family to the fabulous new
Springfield Academy Museum.
46
00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:36,030
Closed Mondays, Tuesdays,
Wednesdays and Fridays.
47
00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:39,033
Admission is free
but parking is extremely expensive.
48
00:02:39,033 --> 00:02:40,869
[audience] Boo!
49
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:46,249
And now I'm afraid we must apologize
for an earlier in memoriam tribute
50
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:48,334
to the person we said was dead
51
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:52,839
but was actually alive
who now is actually dead.
52
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:55,341
It is our bad.
53
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:57,844
But I'm alive.
54
00:02:58,344 --> 00:02:59,512
[Hans groans]
55
00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:02,390
And now Springfield's Nicest Person.
56
00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:04,559
Here's a surprise-- Not.
57
00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:07,854
The winner is Ned Flanders.
58
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,647
- [audience grumbles]
- Ah, he always wins.
59
00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:12,192
I really don't deserve this. I don't.
60
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,652
I mean, what do I do
that any good man wouldn't?
61
00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:16,279
I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy.
62
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,365
Thank you for playing me off.
Just what I deserve.
63
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:20,700
[Duffman] Oh, yeah!
64
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,535
Oh. Skunked again.
65
00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:26,122
I can't believe Maggie lost
for Best Silent Baby.
66
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:32,503
{\an8}And now the award
for Best Sailboat Painting goes to
67
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{\an8}Sideshow Mel.
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00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:36,007
[audience cheering]
69
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,302
They have the same painting as us.
70
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:41,554
But yours is askew.
71
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,264
Askew, I say.
72
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:45,350
{\an8}Will this show never end?
73
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{\an8}Enough!
74
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:53,066
And, finally, the award for
our town's most underappreciated person.
75
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:54,817
[Homer] Mm-hmm.
76
00:03:54,817 --> 00:04:00,907
Who is so modest, they have no idea
their name is about to be called.
77
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:04,410
- The winner is Marge Simpson.
- [audience applauds, cheers]
78
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:06,287
- What?
- Way to go, Mom!
79
00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:08,248
Yay, Mom!
80
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,250
[audience] Marge! Marge! Marge!
81
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,757
Oh. Just a dream.
82
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,426
But I can still enjoy it one minute more.
83
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:23,513
- Bart's kicking my ribs!
- Lisa's ribs are poking my foot.
84
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:26,224
Marge, I'm gonna sing in the shower,
and I need backup.
85
00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:28,559
- [all clamoring]
- All right, all right. I'm getting up.
86
00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:30,603
[groans]
87
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,188
I'll just say this.
88
00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:35,817
Even when you visit me, it's worse
than when you don't visit me.
89
00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:40,280
I'm sorry to say
your dog is getting along in years.
90
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,491
I'm afraid he's developed Dogzheimer's.
91
00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:45,201
Dogzheimer's?
92
00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:46,744
Oh, I've heard of that.
93
00:04:46,744 --> 00:04:51,124
Not as bad as Cowheimer's, but--
What were we talking about again?
94
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,917
[barking, grumbling]
95
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,296
Oh, I totally agree.
96
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,470
- I can put either of them down.
- What the--
97
00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:08,683
Look, Ma. I broke both my middle fingers.
98
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:13,980
Ew. Ew, ew. That is so gross.
I can't even enjoy that it's you. [groans]
99
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,400
Homie, I need help. Where are you?
100
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,402
[Marge groans]
101
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:20,987
Hmm.
102
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:24,073
- [all] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- [chairs squeaking]
103
00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:25,241
Nothing gets through.
104
00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:28,202
Only thing I want going
in their brains is booze.
105
00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:29,329
[chuckles]
106
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:37,712
[groans] So, who won?
107
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,422
Me, 'cause I wasn't playing.
108
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:42,717
[squeaks]
109
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,553
[phones ringing]
110
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Oh, my God. Marge has been trying
to reach me all day.
111
00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:52,310
Ah! My father's in the hospital.
As a patient.
112
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,563
[moans]
113
00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:59,275
- [gasps] Marge.
- Not a word.
114
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:05,156
Can you fix these? My ass hangs out.
115
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:08,868
Give 'em to me, where all problems end up.
116
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:10,661
[groans]
117
00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:13,790
We now return to Trash for Cash.
118
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:19,253
This seemingly average weather vane
was originally made in France.
119
00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:22,090
Makes sense. I bought it in Giverny.
120
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:27,845
{\an8}Yes. I'd say the value is
at the very least $5,000.
121
00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:31,391
{\an8}We'd be able to cover
the whole back forty in insecticide.
122
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,894
[sighs] When will I get my insecticide?
123
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:39,107
My late husband owned these pants.
He was a rather large man.
124
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,316
Don't much miss him.
125
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,237
The key to the value of these jeans is
126
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:48,324
{\an8}that both the E's in Leevi's
are capitalized.
127
00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:49,742
{\an8}Ooh.
128
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:54,497
Also-- very good for you--
these pants have hidden rivets...
129
00:06:55,456 --> 00:06:56,457
Hmm.
130
00:06:56,457 --> 00:07:02,964
...which were used before 1967
when open rivets were considered vulgar.
131
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,048
[gasps]
132
00:07:04,048 --> 00:07:06,968
Does it matter that
these were frequently worn?
133
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,970
Including sometimes in bed?
134
00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:11,305
[groans] I never visit his grave.
135
00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:17,061
Actually, with jeans, a highly distressed
seat can increase the value.
136
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:23,401
I'd say the minimum possible value
for these pants is...
137
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,153
- [Marge grunts]
- Oh...
138
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,613
{\an8}...$2,600.
139
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:29,907
[gasps]
140
00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:32,743
Having a husband finally paid off.
141
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:49,802
Uh-- Uh, Homer? I couldn't fix your pants.
You'll have to wear something else.
142
00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:54,474
- Can I wear my Speedo to work?
- I'm afraid not, but we'll be fine.
143
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,393
Aw, I make her happy.
144
00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,896
Oh, you got a loose hair.
145
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:00,813
Fixed it.
146
00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:08,905
[Elton John] ♪ Leevi's
Leevi's make me money ♪
147
00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:14,744
♪ They're worth a lot they say ♪
148
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:19,248
[both] ♪ And I shall wear a sweatpants ♪
149
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:22,627
♪ And I shall stretch the waistband
Whoo ♪
150
00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:25,630
♪ And I shall wear a sweatpants ♪
151
00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:29,634
♪ Covering my gorgeous can
Whoo ♪
152
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,928
[Homer vocalizing]
153
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:33,888
Morning, Jerry. Whoo!
154
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:36,974
[Elton John] ♪ And they shall be Leevi's ♪
155
00:08:36,974 --> 00:08:40,520
[both] ♪ And I shall wear a sweatpants ♪
156
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,856
[Elton John] ♪ And they shall be Leevi's ♪
157
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,859
[both] ♪ Sweatpants for the husky man ♪
158
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:48,778
[Elton John vocalizes]
159
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:54,367
- [Elton John] ♪ They shall be Leevi's ♪
- [Homer] ♪ They shall be sweatpants ♪
160
00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:01,832
[humming]
161
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:04,669
[grunts]
162
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,504
- [shop bell rings]
- [door creaks]
163
00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:09,215
Yes. May I help you?
164
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,508
Comic Book Guy?
165
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:16,180
No, I am his cousin,
Collectible Pants Dude, or CPD. Whatever.
166
00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:17,265
I see.
167
00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:21,352
Well, I, uh, may be interested
in selling this vintage item.
168
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,438
Huh, I say. I will give you...
169
00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:25,523
[stammers]
170
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:26,816
...$20.
171
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,526
Not so fast, bub.
172
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:35,116
I happen to know these are 501XX,
big double-E jeans, with hidden rivets.
173
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,368
Zoinks. I see you know pants.
174
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:40,871
In that case, my offer is $22.
175
00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:44,250
I saw a pair on eBay for 3,000.
176
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,419
Oh-- [exhales, stammers]
177
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,421
Fine. You have me, madam.
178
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,964
Because I must have them.
179
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:52,883
I've never seen such
a perfectly distressed rear.
180
00:09:52,883 --> 00:09:55,469
I mean, these pants
have experienced thousands--
181
00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:58,723
I say thousands--
of pounds of butt pressure.
182
00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:00,891
Yes, he's got a big keister.
183
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:02,893
Are we gonna deal or what?
184
00:10:02,893 --> 00:10:05,980
Sorry. Collectible clothes
are my one addiction.
185
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:09,066
Also cannabis gummies
and the films of Kenneth Anger.
186
00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:14,905
But I digress. My offer is $2,595, okay?
187
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:18,159
- Hmm...
- I see you hesitate.
188
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:21,412
Let me zip up this deal
and button its fly, okay?
189
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:29,754
Um, let me think just a little bit more.
190
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:32,923
You've already put the money in your bag.
191
00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:35,009
Oh. So I have.
192
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:36,927
Mmm.
193
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:38,012
Deal.
194
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:41,223
- Mmm.
- Oh, my God.
195
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:45,186
There are so many things I could do
for my family's future with this money.
196
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:48,814
Mom, the money you gave me
paid for a week of college.
197
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:49,899
Next.
198
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,985
You used the money for a neck tattoo?
199
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,528
Not just the neck.
200
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,697
[grumbles] Next.
201
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:00,743
[grumbles]
202
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,747
Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer.
203
00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:07,750
I am so sick of hearing about that jerk.
204
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:12,338
[groans] "I built a bomb, then I was sad
when they dropped it." Boo-hoo.
205
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,298
Aren't you sick of Oppenheimer, Smithers?
206
00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:17,009
Actually, sir, I preferred
another movie last summer.
207
00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:19,261
Another movie? Besides Oppenheimer?
208
00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:20,346
[chuckles] That's right.
209
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:22,431
There was a second movie
people were seeing?
210
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,725
Yes, there was. A global phenomenon.
211
00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:26,519
Really? Global, you say?
212
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,897
And it finally gave me
the courage to do this.
213
00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:33,651
Hmm. Well, you seem to be
bleeding from the head.
214
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,445
- It's dye.
- Die on your own time.
215
00:11:36,445 --> 00:11:38,906
Now, regarding Oppenheimer, follow me.
216
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:46,330
Have you fellows heard of
"Tickling the Dragon's Tail"?
217
00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:47,915
Sounds like a DreamWorks film.
218
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:49,333
Well, it's not.
219
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:52,503
We carefully add small amounts
of fissionable uranium,
220
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:55,089
stopping just before critical mass.
221
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:58,259
We can create
the most profitable atomic pile of all.
222
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:02,471
Oppenheimer tried it at Los Alamos,
but he failed. Idiot.
223
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:05,725
That showboat slides
his bony self into every picture.
224
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,852
Should've called him Photo-Oppenheimer.
225
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:11,272
My biopic will be longer,
its star skinnier
226
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:14,066
and global annihilation
will not be hinted at,
227
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:16,277
but rather the heartwarming climax.
228
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,695
Excellent.
229
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,744
Of course, sir... [chuckles]
...if you exceed the critical mass,
230
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,788
it would lead
to an uncontrolled nuclear explo--
231
00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:29,248
[Mr. Burns gasps]
232
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,251
The plant's gonna blow!
233
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,335
Alarmist.
234
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,756
[straining] My suit. It's too bulky.
235
00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:41,802
[Homer humming]
236
00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:43,179
Did you see that, Smithers?
237
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:46,015
That sweat-panted Superman rescued us all.
238
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:51,312
Well, I just put my sweatpants
on one leg at a time like any fat guy.
239
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,522
Well, you saved my life.
240
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:57,777
So I'm giving you two tickets
front-row seats to a baseball game.
241
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,487
Debt paid. Never talk to me again.
242
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:02,823
Hmm.
243
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:05,910
I thought I'd enjoy this money,
but I'm not happy.
244
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,495
[groans] Oh.
245
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,497
I sure don't envy you, lady.
246
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:15,878
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade,
add vodka and meet me down here. Oh.
247
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:17,421
[Marge groans]
248
00:13:19,423 --> 00:13:21,217
Reverend, what does our faith say
249
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:24,011
about spending money
on something just for yourself?
250
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,014
{\an8}Well, I sure don't know.
251
00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:28,098
{\an8}But for 20 bucks,
252
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:31,560
{\an8}I'll wipe the communion cup
before you drink from it. Eh?
253
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:33,938
{\an8}[groans]
254
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:37,858
- [sighs]
- [phone beeps, rings]
255
00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:42,613
Homer? After a lot of soul-searching,
there's something I've got to tell you.
256
00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:45,032
- [baseball fanfare]
- [fans cheering]
257
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:47,451
Are you at a baseball game?
258
00:13:47,451 --> 00:13:49,036
I am. It's so great!
259
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:51,705
We got to meet the players,
play "Chopsticks" on the organ,
260
00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:55,209
and they hit a foul ball to you
on purpose.
261
00:13:55,209 --> 00:14:00,172
- ["Chopsticks" plays on organ]
- [fans cheering]
262
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,632
Are you there alone?
263
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:03,551
Well, I asked Lenny, but he was busy.
264
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:04,885
Carl was out sick.
265
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:08,681
Smitty was taking or teaching
a Pilates class, I forget which.
266
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,975
So I finally asked
that new guy from Ghana.
267
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,602
I have so many questions
about your baseball.
268
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:15,312
First, why?
269
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:17,648
Homer, how come you didn't ask me?
270
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:20,317
Uh, well... [stammers]
...you don't like baseball.
271
00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:24,238
Maybe. But more importantly,
I like being asked.
272
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,949
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Uh, can I get you a jersey?
273
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,158
Uh, what's your size again?
274
00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:30,452
Medium! It's always been medium.
275
00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:33,122
Um. That's something
I should have known, right?
276
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:36,500
Buster, you should know
whether or not you should've known it.
277
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,961
But thanks for clearing things up for me.
278
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:41,046
You're welcome. Do I get another kiss?
279
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:44,633
Oh-oh. You'll get a kiss all right.
You're gonna get a big kiss.
280
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,886
You just wait for that kiss.
281
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,179
If you come here,
we can get it on the Kiss Cam.
282
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:53,601
{\an8}- [phone clicks]
- Dial tone? Hello? Marge? Marge?
283
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,728
{\an8}Hello? Dial tone?
284
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,354
{\an8}Now I have to kiss him?
285
00:14:57,354 --> 00:14:59,648
{\an8}Well, if it's all part of baseball.
286
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,067
[groans]
287
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,527
Mmm.
288
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:08,073
I want the biggest ring I can buy.
289
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:09,950
Ooh. That's a coincidence.
290
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:13,787
I want you
to have the biggest ring I can sell.
291
00:15:13,787 --> 00:15:15,414
Yes.
292
00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:19,543
Now, the current rule of thumb is
293
00:15:19,543 --> 00:15:23,339
a truly meaningful ring
should cost three months' salary.
294
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,674
If I don't have a salary, is it free?
295
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:28,093
No. Nice try.
296
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:31,096
Now, if for some reason
I wanna return this...
297
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:32,431
Ooh. No problem.
298
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:35,643
You have a full three seconds
to change your mind.
299
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,269
Starting now.
300
00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:40,064
[clock ticks]
301
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:42,274
Uh, time's up.
302
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,484
[sighs]
303
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:45,736
[Marge breathes shakily]
304
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:48,656
Oh, my God. I didn't know
I'd feel so guilty walking around
305
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,449
wearing something so expensive.
306
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:54,119
Calm down, Marge. Calm down. Nobody cares.
307
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:57,414
Marge, I was a couple of blocks away,
and I couldn't help noticing you
308
00:15:57,414 --> 00:16:00,167
wearing something
your husband couldn't possibly afford.
309
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:01,335
Tattletale.
310
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:02,836
[scoffs] Casual Christian.
311
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:04,838
Remember. Sale's final.
312
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:06,173
[Marge groans]
313
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:10,719
Okay, okay. Can't return it.
Might as well enjoy it.
314
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,682
[gasps] A guilt rash.
315
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:16,225
The last time I got one of these
316
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:19,186
was when I took that
bottle of shampoo from the hotel.
317
00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:21,772
It wasn't open. They could've reused it.
318
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:27,194
[sighs] I'll just leave it there.
319
00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:30,781
No, no, no. Someone will find it.
320
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:49,049
[groans]
321
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:53,137
So this is what having a secret
feels like.
322
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:54,513
It's terrible.
323
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:56,306
Why does everybody do it?
324
00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:58,642
{\an8}Maybe I could hide it in here.
325
00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:02,104
Oh, how many places
does Homer hide cookies?
326
00:17:02,896 --> 00:17:04,231
[groans]
327
00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:06,775
Whoa.
328
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:08,819
[groans]
329
00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:15,534
[sighs] No one can find it now.
330
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:17,119
[Lisa] Who are you talking to, Mom?
331
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:19,121
[screams] What are you doing here?
332
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:21,665
{\an8}Oh, I like to look at my old report cards.
333
00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:26,754
{\an8}One teacher, if you could believe it,
gave me an A-plus-plus.
334
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,630
{\an8}They're not allowed to do that anymore.
335
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,424
{\an8}It makes the other kids feel bad.
336
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,510
{\an8}And that's why we're losing to China.
337
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,012
- Yo.
- [screams]
338
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,889
What are you doing in the attic?
339
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:40,184
Well, one thing I'm definitely
not doing is hiding from the cops.
340
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,853
{\an8}Eh, we'll never find him. Let's go, boys.
341
00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:45,898
{\an8}No respect for the law.
342
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,399
{\an8}Let's get some doughnuts.
343
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:53,572
Get to bed, now.
344
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,242
- [Maggie sucks pacifier]
- Now what?
345
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:00,954
You're not judging me.
346
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,915
With you, I can enjoy it.
347
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,249
Don't swallow it.
348
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:06,210
[grunts]
349
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:07,544
What's the matter, Homer?
350
00:18:07,544 --> 00:18:10,214
I'm starting to think
I don't appreciate Marge enough.
351
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:13,383
She does everything for me,
and I just take her for granted.
352
00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:14,802
Let me tell you something, Homer.
353
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:17,096
You are so lucky
that she doesn't leave you
354
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,307
for the next tall, dark
and handsome guy that comes along.
355
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,017
Oh, Moe.
356
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:26,730
I love the way
you introduced me to this guy!
357
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:29,775
- Whoo-hoo.
- Homer, I think your problem is...
358
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:40,119
♪ She's a mad wife, Homer J. ♪
359
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,830
♪ With tears behind her smile ♪
360
00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:43,997
Uh, happy tears?
361
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:45,999
♪ You treat her like she's nothing ♪
362
00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:48,669
♪ Unless your gut needs stuffing ♪
363
00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:50,420
- What the--
- [yelps]
364
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:52,756
♪ As a husband I would rate you ♪
365
00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:55,259
♪ Beneath Henry the Eighth, you ♪
366
00:18:55,759 --> 00:19:02,766
♪ Really are a selfish guy ♪
367
00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:10,983
You really are, all things considered,
a nearly spherical, full of beer-icle...
368
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:15,362
♪ Incredibly selfish guy! ♪
369
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:22,161
Ha ha! Before you I rode through dog poop.
370
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:26,582
[sighs] I'll just have to live
with my selfishness.
371
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:27,666
[groans]
372
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,464
What is this?
373
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,383
A fancy ring?
374
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:38,510
That Marge bought for herself?
375
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:41,221
She's been holding back
on us this whole time.
376
00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:44,099
Oh, my God! The things she does!
377
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:49,271
The things she does.
378
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:55,944
The things she does.
379
00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:58,363
{\an8}Aw.
380
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,908
The things she does.
381
00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:04,536
All the wonderful things she does.
382
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:07,748
Putting those sweet notes
in my lunch every day,
383
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:11,835
getting everyone a birthday present
and saying they're from both of us.
384
00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:15,172
{\an8}Even in her sleep, she's perfect.
385
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:18,967
With all the wonderful,
beautiful things Marge does... [sniffs]
386
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,762
...there's only one thing
I can do with this ring.
387
00:20:24,264 --> 00:20:25,849
Homie, you're back. You--
388
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,976
You put this on me?
389
00:20:27,976 --> 00:20:31,313
Baby, I just wished I'd bought it for you.
390
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:47,746
[sighs] Finally. No guilt.
391
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:48,872
[Kent Brockman] Breaking news:
392
00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:51,833
{\an8}Amnesty International has identified
the Spiffany blue diamond
393
00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:55,295
{\an8}as the most unethically mined gem
in human history.
394
00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:57,839
{\an8}It takes six blue whales
to color each carat.
395
00:20:57,839 --> 00:21:02,636
{\an8}Wearing this is a sparkly expression
that you love misery.
396
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:05,639
{\an8}Well, I'll just wear the ring inside
for a little.
397
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:11,645
[Elton John]
♪ Homer's Leevi's size is husky ♪
398
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:17,359
♪ But he's still too fat they say ♪
399
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:18,360
[Homer] Hey!
400
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,363
[Elton John]
♪ That's because he's a fat man ♪
401
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:25,200
[Homer] ♪ They're making pants too small
These days ♪
402
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,037
- ♪ The pants are too small ♪
- [Elton John] ♪ You are a fat man ♪
403
00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:29,997
[both] ♪ Whoo ♪
404
00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:31,081
Shh!
29249
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