Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

D'oh!

[straining]

Come on, come on. Stupid neck.

[groans] After all the food I put down you.

[inhales]

Mmm, button. [groaning]

Homie. What's going on?

Knee?

HAIM? Lick?

[gasps] Need Heimlich.

[groans]

Well played, Marge.

For God's sakes, why don't you just buy a shirt with a bigger neck?

Neck shaming, Marge. Neck shaming.

That's not a thing.

Who made you president of things?

Quit your bickering. We'll be late.

Dad, we were saving that suit for you to be buried in.

This isn't my funeral?

Oh. [moans]

- [orchestral music playing] - [tires screech]

Hmm.

[Gabbo] He-Hey!

It's the 35th annual Springie Awards honoring our town's finest.

And here's Ms. Hoover.

Who are you wearing?

Same thing I always wear. I can only afford one dress.

[chuckles] Teachers. We can never repay you for all you do, so we won't.

Rainier Wolfcastle. What are you up for?

I'm a presenter.

I'll be backstage in the greenroom gobbling up the caprese panini.

[announcer] And now, please welcome your host for this evening.

He's charming, he's svelte, he's got beer on his belt.

-Duffman! - Oh, yeah.

This shamelessly self-indulgent awards show

is brought to you by Duff Lite.

Some right-wing groups have accused our beer of being too woke.

Let me say the only thing our beer stands for is getting drunk,

getting fat, and buying more till you pass out.

God bless America.

Can I still say that?

- Oh, yeah. - [audience cheers]

So if you have a chance,

take your family to the fabulous new Springfield Academy Museum.

Closed Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Admission is free but parking is extremely expensive.

[audience] Boo!

And now I'm afraid we must apologize for an earlier in memoriam tribute

to the person we said was dead

but was actually alive who now is actually dead.

It is our bad.

But I'm alive.

[Hans groans]

And now Springfield's Nicest Person.

Here's a surprise-- Not.

The winner is Ned Flanders.

- [audience grumbles] - Ah, he always wins.

I really don't deserve this. I don't.

I mean, what do I do that any good man wouldn't?

I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy.

Thank you for playing me off. Just what I deserve.

[Duffman] Oh, yeah!

Oh. Skunked again.

I can't believe Maggie lost for Best Silent Baby.

And now the award for Best Sailboat Painting goes to

Sideshow Mel.

[audience cheering]

They have the same painting as us.

But yours is askew.

Askew, I say.

Will this show never end?

Enough!

And, finally, the award for our town's most underappreciated person.

[Homer] Mm-hmm.

Who is so modest, they have no idea their name is about to be called.

- The winner is Marge Simpson. - [audience applauds, cheers]

- What? - Way to go, Mom!

Yay, Mom!

[audience] Marge! Marge! Marge!

Oh. Just a dream.

But I can still enjoy it one minute more.

- Bart's kicking my ribs! - Lisa's ribs are poking my foot.

Marge, I'm gonna sing in the shower, and I need backup.

- [all clamoring] - All right, all right. I'm getting up.

[groans]

I'll just say this.

Even when you visit me, it's worse than when you don't visit me.

I'm sorry to say your dog is getting along in years.

I'm afraid he's developed Dogzheimer's.

Dogzheimer's?

Oh, I've heard of that.

Not as bad as Cowheimer's, but-- What were we talking about again?

[barking, grumbling]

Oh, I totally agree.

- I can put either of them down. - What the--

Look, Ma. I broke both my middle fingers.

Ew. Ew, ew. That is so gross. I can't even enjoy that it's you. [groans]

Homie, I need help. Where are you?

[Marge groans]

Hmm.

- [all] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - [chairs squeaking]

Nothing gets through.

Only thing I want going in their brains is booze.

[chuckles]

[groans] So, who won?

Me, 'cause I wasn't playing.

[squeaks]

[phones ringing]

Oh, my God. Marge has been trying to reach me all day.

Ah! My father's in the hospital. As a patient.

[moans]

- [gasps] Marge. - Not a word.

Can you fix these? My ass hangs out.

Give 'em to me, where all problems end up.

[groans]

We now return to Trash for Cash.

This seemingly average weather vane was originally made in France.

Makes sense. I bought it in Giverny.

Yes. I'd say the value is at the very least $5,000.

We'd be able to cover the whole back forty in insecticide.

[sighs] When will I get my insecticide?

My late husband owned these pants. He was a rather large man.

Don't much miss him.

The key to the value of these jeans is

that both the E's in Leevi's are capitalized.

Ooh.

Also-- very good for you-- these pants have hidden rivets...

Hmm.

...which were used before 1967 when open rivets were considered vulgar.

[gasps]

Does it matter that these were frequently worn?

Including sometimes in bed?

[groans] I never visit his grave.

Actually, with jeans, a highly distressed seat can increase the value.

I'd say the minimum possible value for these pants is...

- [Marge grunts] - Oh...

...$2,600.

[gasps]

Having a husband finally paid off.

Uh-- Uh, Homer? I couldn't fix your pants. You'll have to wear something else.

- Can I wear my Speedo to work? - I'm afraid not, but we'll be fine.

Aw, I make her happy.

Oh, you got a loose hair.

Fixed it.

[Elton John] ♪ Leevi's Leevi's make me money ♪

♪ They're worth a lot they say ♪

[both] ♪ And I shall wear a sweatpants ♪

♪ And I shall stretch the waistband Whoo ♪

♪ And I shall wear a sweatpants ♪

♪ Covering my gorgeous can Whoo ♪

[Homer vocalizing]

Morning, Jerry. Whoo!

[Elton John] ♪ And they shall be Leevi's ♪

[both] ♪ And I shall wear a sweatpants ♪

[Elton John] ♪ And they shall be Leevi's ♪

[both] ♪ Sweatpants for the husky man ♪

[Elton John vocalizes]

- [Elton John] ♪ They shall be Leevi's ♪ - [Homer] ♪ They shall be sweatpants ♪

[humming]

[grunts]

- [shop bell rings] - [door creaks]

Yes. May I help you?

Comic Book Guy?

No, I am his cousin, Collectible Pants Dude, or CPD. Whatever.

I see.

Well, I, uh, may be interested in selling this vintage item.

Huh, I say. I will give you...

[stammers]

...$20.

Not so fast, bub.

I happen to know these are 501XX, big double-E jeans, with hidden rivets.

Zoinks. I see you know pants.

In that case, my offer is $22.

I saw a pair on eBay for 3,000.

Oh-- [exhales, stammers]

Fine. You have me, madam.

Because I must have them.

I've never seen such a perfectly distressed rear.

I mean, these pants have experienced thousands--

I say thousands-- of pounds of butt pressure.

Yes, he's got a big keister.

Are we gonna deal or what?

Sorry. Collectible clothes are my one addiction.

Also cannabis gummies and the films of Kenneth Anger.

But I digress. My offer is $2,595, okay?

- Hmm... - I see you hesitate.

Let me zip up this deal and button its fly, okay?

Um, let me think just a little bit more.

You've already put the money in your bag.

Oh. So I have.

Mmm.

Deal.

- Mmm. - Oh, my God.

There are so many things I could do for my family's future with this money.

Mom, the money you gave me paid for a week of college.

Next.

You used the money for a neck tattoo?

Not just the neck.

[grumbles] Next.

[grumbles]

Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer.

I am so sick of hearing about that jerk.

[groans] "I built a bomb, then I was sad when they dropped it." Boo-hoo.

Aren't you sick of Oppenheimer, Smithers?

Actually, sir, I preferred another movie last summer.

Another movie? Besides Oppenheimer?

[chuckles] That's right.

There was a second movie people were seeing?

Yes, there was. A global phenomenon.

Really? Global, you say?

And it finally gave me the courage to do this.

Hmm. Well, you seem to be bleeding from the head.

- It's dye. - Die on your own time.

Now, regarding Oppenheimer, follow me.

Have you fellows heard of "Tickling the Dragon's Tail"?

Sounds like a DreamWorks film.

Well, it's not.

We carefully add small amounts of fissionable uranium,

stopping just before critical mass.

We can create the most profitable atomic pile of all.

Oppenheimer tried it at Los Alamos, but he failed. Idiot.

That showboat slides his bony self into every picture.

Should've called him Photo-Oppenheimer.

My biopic will be longer, its star skinnier

and global annihilation will not be hinted at,

but rather the heartwarming climax.

Excellent.

Of course, sir... [chuckles] ...if you exceed the critical mass,

it would lead to an uncontrolled nuclear explo--

[Mr. Burns gasps]

The plant's gonna blow!

Alarmist.

[straining] My suit. It's too bulky.

[Homer humming]

Did you see that, Smithers?

That sweat-panted Superman rescued us all.

Well, I just put my sweatpants on one leg at a time like any fat guy.

Well, you saved my life.

So I'm giving you two tickets front-row seats to a baseball game.

Debt paid. Never talk to me again.

Hmm.

I thought I'd enjoy this money, but I'm not happy.

[groans] Oh.

I sure don't envy you, lady.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, add vodka and meet me down here. Oh.

[Marge groans]

Reverend, what does our faith say

about spending money on something just for yourself?

Well, I sure don't know.

But for 20 bucks,

I'll wipe the communion cup before you drink from it. Eh?

[groans]

- [sighs] - [phone beeps, rings]

Homer? After a lot of soul-searching, there's something I've got to tell you.

- [baseball fanfare] - [fans cheering]

Are you at a baseball game?

I am. It's so great!

We got to meet the players, play "Chopsticks" on the organ,

and they hit a foul ball to you on purpose.

- ["Chopsticks" plays on organ] - [fans cheering]

Are you there alone?

Well, I asked Lenny, but he was busy.

Carl was out sick.

Smitty was taking or teaching a Pilates class, I forget which.

So I finally asked that new guy from Ghana.

I have so many questions about your baseball.

First, why?

Homer, how come you didn't ask me?

Uh, well... [stammers] ...you don't like baseball.

Maybe. But more importantly, I like being asked.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Uh, can I get you a jersey?

Uh, what's your size again?

Medium! It's always been medium.

Um. That's something I should have known, right?

Buster, you should know whether or not you should've known it.

But thanks for clearing things up for me.

You're welcome. Do I get another kiss?

Oh-oh. You'll get a kiss all right. You're gonna get a big kiss.

You just wait for that kiss.

If you come here, we can get it on the Kiss Cam.

- [phone clicks] - Dial tone? Hello? Marge? Marge?

Hello? Dial tone?

Now I have to kiss him?

Well, if it's all part of baseball.

[groans]

Mmm.

I want the biggest ring I can buy.

Ooh. That's a coincidence.

I want you to have the biggest ring I can sell.

Yes.

Now, the current rule of thumb is

a truly meaningful ring should cost three months' salary.

If I don't have a salary, is it free?

No. Nice try.

Now, if for some reason I wanna return this...

Ooh. No problem.

You have a full three seconds to change your mind.

Starting now.

[clock ticks]

Uh, time's up.

[sighs]

[Marge breathes shakily]

Oh, my God. I didn't know I'd feel so guilty walking around

wearing something so expensive.

Calm down, Marge. Calm down. Nobody cares.

Marge, I was a couple of blocks away, and I couldn't help noticing you

wearing something your husband couldn't possibly afford.

Tattletale.

[scoffs] Casual Christian.

Remember. Sale's final.

[Marge groans]

Okay, okay. Can't return it. Might as well enjoy it.

[gasps] A guilt rash.

The last time I got one of these

was when I took that bottle of shampoo from the hotel.

It wasn't open. They could've reused it.

[sighs] I'll just leave it there.

No, no, no. Someone will find it.

[groans]

So this is what having a secret feels like.

It's terrible.

Why does everybody do it?

Maybe I could hide it in here.

Oh, how many places does Homer hide cookies?

[groans]

Whoa.

[groans]

[sighs] No one can find it now.

[Lisa] Who are you talking to, Mom?

[screams] What are you doing here?

Oh, I like to look at my old report cards.

One teacher, if you could believe it, gave me an A-plus-plus.

They're not allowed to do that anymore.

It makes the other kids feel bad.

And that's why we're losing to China.

- Yo. - [screams]

What are you doing in the attic?

Well, one thing I'm definitely not doing is hiding from the cops.

Eh, we'll never find him. Let's go, boys.

No respect for the law.

Let's get some doughnuts.

Get to bed, now.

- [Maggie sucks pacifier] - Now what?

You're not judging me.

With you, I can enjoy it.

Don't swallow it.

[grunts]

What's the matter, Homer?

I'm starting to think I don't appreciate Marge enough.

She does everything for me, and I just take her for granted.

Let me tell you something, Homer.

You are so lucky that she doesn't leave you

for the next tall, dark and handsome guy that comes along.

Oh, Moe.

I love the way you introduced me to this guy!

- Whoo-hoo. - Homer, I think your problem is...

♪ She's a mad wife, Homer J. ♪

♪ With tears behind her smile ♪

Uh, happy tears?

♪ You treat her like she's nothing ♪

♪ Unless your gut needs stuffing ♪

- What the-- - [yelps]

♪ As a husband I would rate you ♪

♪ Beneath Henry the Eighth, you ♪

♪ Really are a selfish guy ♪

You really are, all things considered, a nearly spherical, full of beer-icle...

♪ Incredibly selfish guy! ♪

Ha ha! Before you I rode through dog poop.

[sighs] I'll just have to live with my selfishness.

[groans]

What is this?

A fancy ring?

That Marge bought for herself?

She's been holding back on us this whole time.

Oh, my God! The things she does!

The things she does.

The things she does.

Aw.

The things she does.

All the wonderful things she does.

Putting those sweet notes in my lunch every day,

getting everyone a birthday present and saying they're from both of us.

Even in her sleep, she's perfect.

With all the wonderful, beautiful things Marge does... [sniffs]

...there's only one thing I can do with this ring.

Homie, you're back. You--

You put this on me?

Baby, I just wished I'd bought it for you.

[sighs] Finally. No guilt.

[Kent Brockman] Breaking news:

Amnesty International has identified the Spiffany blue diamond

as the most unethically mined gem in human history.

It takes six blue whales to color each carat.

Wearing this is a sparkly expression that you love misery.

Well, I'll just wear the ring inside for a little.

[Elton John] ♪ Homer's Leevi's size is husky ♪

♪ But he's still too fat they say ♪

[Homer] Hey!

[Elton John] ♪ That's because he's a fat man ♪

[Homer] ♪ They're making pants too small These days ♪

- ♪ The pants are too small ♪ - [Elton John] ♪ You are a fat man ♪

[both] ♪ Whoo ♪

Shh!