Original subtitles

[SHRIEK]

AH HA HA HA HA HA!

DAMN YOU MARCEL!

I TOLD YOU THEY WANTED VIOLENCE!

NOT VIOLINS.

GOOD HELP IS SO HARD TO FEND.

ISN'T IT, KIDDIES?

WANT A LITTLE BIT MORE CHAM-PAIN!

HA HA HA HA HA!

I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY FOR TONIGHT'S MURDEROUS MENU.

IT CONCERNS A MAN WHO'S DISCOVERED

THAT THE FASTEST WAY TO A WOMAN'S HEART

IS WITH A PICKAX!

I CALL THIS TASTY HORROR D'OEUVRE

NONE BUT THE LONELY HEART.

[BELL JINGLES]

IS MADAM READY FOR DINNER?

OH.

HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY.

HERE YOU GO.

A QUIET LITTLE DINNER FOR TWO.

AND...

VOILA!

HOWARD, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING

I THREW TOGETHER.

AND TO GO WITH IT,

I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE THIS BOTTLE

OF THE 1966 CHATEAU LAFITE-ROTHSCHILD.

I THOUGHT WE WERE SAVING THAT

FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.

WELL, WE'RE HAVING DINNER TOGETHER.

THAT'S SPECIAL ENOUGH FOR ME.

TO YOU, MY DARLING.

THANK YOU.

MMM...

MMM... THAT'S QUITE GOOD.

THERE'S A COMPLEXITY TO GREAT WINE

THAT ONLY COMES WITH AGE.

IT TASTES OF EVERYTHING THAT'S TOUCHED IT...

THE GRAPES, THE SOIL,

THE OAK IN WHICH IT FERMENTED,

AND IN THE END,

YOUR LIPS.

OH, HOWARD, YOU DO KNOW MY HEART.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND

MY BRINGING UP BUSINESS, DARLING,

BUT I THINK IT'S RATHER IMPORTANT.

THERE'S A SMALL COMPANY

I WANT TO INVEST IN,

BUT WE HAVE TO ACT QUICKLY.

I TOLD YOU, WHATEVER YOU THINK.

I WON'T DO IT THAT WAY.

THIS IS YOUR MONEY.

I'M MERELY MANAGING IT FOR YOU.

WHERE DO I SIGN?

YOU SIGN HERE. THAT'S RIGHT.

AND HERE.

AND NOW...

I THINK YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING FOR ME.

OH HO HO HO!

OH, NO, NO, NO. YOU KNOW.

AH.

ALL OF IT

OR JUST YOUR FAVORITE PART?

YET, AT MY BACK I ALWAYS HEAR

TIME'S WINGED CHARIOT HURRYING NEAR.

THE GRAVE'S A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE,

YET NONE, I THINK, DO THERE EMBRACE.

NOW THEREFORE, WHILE VELVET HUE

SITS ON THY SKIN LIKE MORNING DEW,

AND WHILE THY WILLING SOUL TRANSPIRES...

[GLASS BREAKS]

DAMN SHAME TO HAVE WASTED A GREAT BOTTLE OF WINE.

YES! YES! I NEED AN AMBULANCE!

RIGHT AWAY!

IT'S MY WIFE...

I THINK SHE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK!

ASHES TO ASHES,

DUST TO DUST,

IN A SURE AND CERTAIN HOPE

OF THE RESURRECTION UNTO ETERNAL LIFE.

AMEN.

AMEN.

SLEEP WELL, MY BEAUTIFUL ROSE.

I'M VERY SORRY.

THANK YOU.

YOU MADE HER LAST MONTHS SPECIAL, HOWARD.

YOU REALLY DID.

THANK YOU, ADRIAN, I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

SHE LOVED YOU, HOWARD.

OH, HOW SHE LOVED YOU.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING...

CALL ME, OKAY.

YOU GAVE HER SO MUCH AND SHE GAVE IT ALL BACK.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE, MORTY?

I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU, HOWARD, YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU GOT THESE PEOPLE COMPLETELY FOOLED.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS VERY FOND OF MATILDA.

SHE WAS A WONDERFUL WOMAN.

SO WAS ELIZABETH,

SO WAS CLARE, FOR THAT MATTER.

SHAME THEY HAD TO BE KILLED.

THAT WAS BUSINESS, MORTY.

I COULD HAVE TAKEN THE MONEY AND RUN.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN CRUEL.

I DO THESE LADIES A FAVOR...

I MAKE THEM FEEL LOVED.

AS YOUR BUSINESS PARTNER, I HAVE BAD NEWS.

THE IRS FROZE A MILLION BUCKS OF OUR ASSETS.

GOD DAMN IT!

HEY, TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

SAY GOODBYE TO HOWARD AND MORTY, INC.

THEY PUSHED UP OUR DAY BEFORE THE GRAND JURY.

I CALLED THE AIRLINES...

WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE WE ARE NOT READY.

WHAT, NOT READY? WE GOT 5 MILLION BUCKS.

MORE OR LESS.

I SAY WE LIQUIDATE AND GET OUR ASSETS SOMEPLACE

THAT HAS GOOD YEAR AROUND WEATHER.

AND NO EXTRADITION TREATY.

THERE'S THIS ISLAND I KNOW CALLED...

ESCUNSION.

ESCUNSEUN?

MORTY, THE WHOLE PLAN WAS TO SET OURSELVES UP FOR LIFE.

IN THIS ECONOMY, $2 MILLION WON'T DO THAT.

WE'RE IN DANGER, IN 11 DAYS, WE FACE A GRAND JURY.

WHEN THEY UNCOVER OUR SCHEME...

GIVE ME 10 DAYS.

THE PLAN WAS TO SCORE ONE MORE OLD LADY.

10 DAYS?

YEAH.

THEY'RE GOING TO NAIL YOUR ASS, PAL,

AND I'D LIKE TO BE AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE.

TRUST ME. YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

PRO WRESTLING AND BOWLING.

I STILL BOWL.

IT'S VERY GOOD EXERCISE.

AND I LIKE THE NOISE.

MY NAME IS EPHIE GLUCKMAN.

I'M 67 YEARS OLD,

AND I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A SUITOR.

I WAS MARRIED 38 YEARS TO A WONDERFUL MAN.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYONE

WHO COULD REPLACE THEODORE, SO...

THEODORE. THEODORE. BIG TEDDY GLUCKMAN.

GLUCKMAN.

WOW. TWO PAGES. IMPRESSIVE.

TEDDY WAS BUSY.

I WOULD RATHER THAT BE UNDERSTOOD

FROM THE START.

WHAT I WANT IS A COMPANION.

CHECK OUT THE GEMS. CHECK OUT THE GEMS.

ARE THEY REAL?

ARE THEY REAL? IT'S REAL.

YES. OH, YES.

YEAH! 30 GRAND, AT LEAST.

A FRIEND, REALLY,

SOMEONE TO SHARE THINGS WITH.

I MEAN, HOW MANY TIMES CAN ONE SEE PARIS ALONE?

( REWINDING TAPE )

I MEAN, HOW MANY TIMES CAN ONE SEE PARIS ALONE?

AH, ANY LUCK, MR. PRINCE?

3245. EPHIE GLUCKMAN.

3245. EPHIE GLUCKMAN.

OH, YES. ANOTHER MATURE WOMAN.

THEY DO GIVE A MAN SOMETHING SPECIAL,

DON'T THEY?

WELL, I HOPE IT WORKS OUT

FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.

I'M SURE IT WILL.

I TRIED TO TELL THE YOUNG MAN

THERE'D BEEN SOME ERROR.

HE INSISTED ON SEEING YOU.

SHALL I SHOW HIM OUT?

IN A MINUTE, STANHOPE.

MR. PRINCE.

NOTHING PERSONAL, MR. PRINCE,

BUT TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST,

I HAD IN MIND SOMEONE OLDER.

WHAT WOULD AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG MAN LIKE YOU

WANT WITH...

AN OLDER WOMAN, ASIDE FROM THE MONEY?

THAT IS WHAT YOU MEAN, ISN'T IT?

THE THOUGHT HAD CROSSED MY MIND.

I'M GOING TO BE VERY HONEST.

I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY.

I COULD SHOW YOU A BANKBOOK,

BUT THAT WOULD BE SOMEWHAT TASTELESS.

AS FOR LADIES MY AGE,

THAT KIND OF BEAUTY IS WASTED ON ME.

YOU SEE, WOMEN LIKE THAT

HAVE CERTAIN NEEDS THAT I'M UNABLE TO FULFILL.

STANHOPE, THANK YOU.

I'LL BE NEARBY

IF YOU NEED ME, MADAM.

MR. PRINCE,

ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU'RE...

ALL I WANT FROM A WOMAN IS COMPANIONSHIP,

BECAUSE AFTER ALL,

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE PARIS ALONE.

I NEVER TRULY LEARNED TO APPRECIATE WOMEN

UNTIL I STOPPED THINKING ABOUT THEM

IN THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR TROUBLE IS HOWARD?

YOU'VE SPENT YOUR WHOLE LIFE

PURSUING THE WRONG KIND OF WOMAN.

AND THAT'S WHAT I SAW IN YOU, EPHIE.

NOT JUST A WOMAN, BUT A KIND OF... GODDESS.

EPHIE, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.

MY HUSBAND THEODORE HAD YOUR... CONDITION

WHEN HE MET ME.

HE WAS IMPOTENT, TOO?

HE WAS HANDSOME AND WEALTHY,

BUT WOUNDED IN THAT WAY.

YOU REMIND ME OF HIM,

BUT YOU SEEM SO MUCH MORE PASSIONATE,

MORE ALIVE.

WELL, OF COURSE, YOU ARE.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D FEEL THIS WAY

ABOUT ANOTHER MAN, BUT...

OH, LOOK AT THE TIME.

I MUST HAVE KEPT YOU FROM A THOUSAND THINGS.

THANK YOU FOR TALKING TO ME, EPHIE.

HOWARD, WHY DON'T YOU STAY FOR DINNER?

I REALLY COULDN'T.

NO, NO. PLEASE. PLEASE, I INSIST.

STANHOPE...

SHALL I SHOW THE GENTLEMAN

TO THE DOOR, MADAM?

SET TWO PLACES FOR DINNER.

BUT THERE'S NOT ENOUGH LAMB.

WHAT?

NOT ENOUGH LAMB.

MAKE EXTRA RICE, AND USE THE GOOD CHINA.

NOT THE GOOD SILVER AS WELL.

I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT.

PUT THIS IN A VASE.

JIGSAW PUZZLES WERE THEODORE'S PASSION.

HE SPENT SIX YEARS ON THAT ONE.

IN FACT, HE DIED RIGHT AT THAT TABLE.

THE PUZZLE IS EXACTLY AS HE LEFT IT.

I'VE ALWAYS FOUND JIGSAW PUZZLES

TO BE AN INCREDIBLE WASTE OF TIME.

ME, TOO.

HOWARD, I'VE KNOWN MEN TWICE YOUR AGE

WHO DIDN'T HAVE HALF YOUR WORLDLINESS.

I CAN HELP YOU.

EPHIE.

I CAN REMEDY YOUR CONDITION.

REALLY, WE SHOULDN'T.

WE HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.

NOT WHEN YOU'RE MY AGE, YOU DON'T.

JUST RELAX, MY DARLING. I'LL BE GENTLE.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

HOWARD I MADE YOU BREAKFAST IN BED.

FOR SOME REASON THIS MORNING I HAVE A HELL OF AN APPETITE.

EPHIE, LISTEN, ABOUT LAST NIGHT...

NOT SINCE COLLEGE, NOT EVEN IN COLLEGE.

DON'T SAY ANYTHING, I FEEL GREAT.

I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD IN YEARS.

WELL, JUST DON'T EXPECT THAT FROM ME EVERY NIGHT.

OH, THIS CAME FOR YOU THIS MORNING.

REALLY.

WHO'S IT FROM?

HMM?

IT'S A... BUSINESS.

AH, I, I HAVE TO SKIP BREAKFAST.

I'M SORRY.

OH!

YOU'RE COMING BACK AREN'T YOU?

EPHIE, OF COURSE.

IF YOU'LL HAVE ME?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU KNOW I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION, MORTY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

GETTING TO BLOW THIS POP STAND.

KIND OF PREMATURE AREN'T YOU?

DID ANYONE SEE YOU COME IN HERE?

YOU KNOW WE REALLY SHOULDN'T BE SEEN TOGETHER.

WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO, MORTY?

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN?

LEAVE ME HOLDING THE BAG?

ALL THOSE WIVES ARE STARTING TO RUB OFF ON YOU, PAL.

YOU'RE BABBLING.

COME ON, MORTY.

YOU KNOW YOU LIE LIKE YOU DRESS, BADLY.

TAKE THAT TIE FOR INSTANCE.

YOU KNOW THAT DOESN'T GO WITH YOUR SHIRT.

THANKS FOR THE FASHION TIP.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WELCOME HOME, MRS. HOWARD PRINCE.

OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU

HOW MUCH FUN THAT WAS.

I KNOW YOU WANTED TO WAIT,

BUT I THOUGHT, WHY?

THIS MORNING WHEN I WOKE UP,

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GO TO CITY HALL AND GET MARRIED.

WILL THE HAPPY COUPLE BE HAVING LUNCH

IN THE DINING ROOM FOR A CHANGE?

NO. WE'LL BE HAVING IT IN BED,

AS USUAL.

OH, HOWARD, COME. NOW, SIT.

I HAVE A LITTLE WEDDING PRESENT FOR YOU.

YESTERDAY, I CALLED THE BANK

AND TOLD THEM TO CHANGE THE TITLES

ON ALL THE ACCOUNTS.

ALL IT NEEDS IS YOUR SIGNATURE.

NOW, EPHIE, I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT.

NOW, DON'T BE ANGRY WITH ME.

IF MANAGING MY MONEY GIVES YOU PLEASURE,

I WANT YOU TO DO IT. I LOVE YOU, HOWARD.

NOW, I'M GOING UPSTAIRS TO START THE JACUZZI,

AND WHEN IT'S FULL AND BUBBLY,

I'LL EXPECT TO FIND YOU IN IT.

THIS ARRIVED FOR YOU, SIR,

WHILE YOU WERE CELEBRATING THE NUPTIALS.

CONGRATULATIONS, I'M SURE,

FOR THIS WONDERFUL MOMENT.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

OH, MR. PRINCE, HI. I DIDN'T HEAR YOU COME IN.

EXCUSE ME.

I THOUGHT I'D NEVER HAVE TO CLEAN THE HEAD.

YOU TAKE A PERSONAL INTEREST

IN YOUR CLIENTS, DON'T YOU?

WELL, YES.

WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID ABOUT OLDER WOMEN?

WELL, I DON'T REMEMBER SAYING ANYTHING.

YOU SAID THEY GIVE A MAN SOMETHING SPECIAL.

YOU SAID THAT DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, I COULD HAVE. YES.

IS THAT WHAT YOU FIND CRIMINAL?

LOOK, MR. PRINCE...

AAH!

YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND CRIMINAL?

BLACKMAIL!

HI, SWEETHEART, SORRY I RAN OUT ON YOU, BUT SOMETHING CAME UP.

I WANT YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR.

I WANT YOU TO GIVE STANHOPE THE NIGHT OFF.

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO MAKE DINNER FOR THE BOTH OF US.

THAT'S RIGHT, JUST YOU AND ME AND A NICE BOTTLE OF WINE.

DOES THE NAME MATILDA MASON MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU THE NIGHT OFF?

HOW ABOUT ELIZABETH SWATSMORE?

OR CLARE MCCARTHY?

SHALL I GO ON?

IT SEEMS THERE IS A PATTERN TO YOUR PAST.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT, STANHOPE?

MY POINT IS THAT I COULD CALL THE POLICE

BUT THAT WOULD ONLY DISTRESS MRS. GLUCKMAN.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

SO I WON'T.

AS LONG AS YOU AGREE TO LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK.

WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING PROPOSITION, STANHOPE,

BUT, WHY WOULD I WANT TO GO ALONG WITH THAT?

EPHIE LOVES ME.

NO!

NO. THAT'S THE DEAL.

AND I'VE SAID ALL I INTEND TO SAY.

WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY, STANHOPE?

YOU WIN.

GO AHEAD.

SHOOT ME.

COME ON, STANHOPE.

SHOOT ME.

( SINGING )

ISN'T THIS LOVELY?

AH, THANK YOU.

WELL, HERE'S TO LUCK IN LOVE.

MAY OUR PASSION LAST FOREVER.

OH...

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I DON'T LIKE RED WINE.

IT'S TOO BITTER.

HAVE JUST A LITTLE FOR ME.

YES. ALL RIGHT. I'M SORRY.

HOWARD, I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE DIFFICULT.

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T, SWEETIE PIE.

TO YOU.

AND HERE'S TO US.

HOWARD, YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME DRUNK,

AREN'T YOU?

OOH! IN THAT CASE...

AH...

HA HA!

OH...

AH... OH... AH...

AH AH AH!

HOWARD...

[BREATH ESCAPES]

YES. YES. I'D LIKE AN AMBULANCE, PLEASE.

IT'S MY WIFE.

WELL, SHE... SHE WENT INTO CONVULSIONS,

AND I... I THINK...

SHE, UH... SHE, UH...

SHE STARTED TO THE STAIRS,

AND I TRIED TO STOP HER, BUT SHE FELL.

PLEASE HURRY. I THINK SHE'S DEAD.

[TUMBLING]

[BONE CRACKING]

YEAH. I'D LIKE TO BOOK A FIRST-CLASS TICKET

ON TONIGHT'S FLIGHT TO ESCUNSION.

E-S-C-U-N-S-I-O-N. ESCUNSION, WHATEVER.

UH, HOWARD PRINCE.

IS THAT A NONSTOP FLIGHT?

GOOD. AND HOW MUCH WILL THAT BE?

UH-HUH. NO. NO. I'LL BE PAYING CASH.

THANK YOU.

[BEEP]

[WHISTLING THE FOUR SEASONS]

WHAT?

MAUSOLEUM.

AH!

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

I THOUGHT I TOOK CARE OF ALL THE LOOSE ENDS.

THE LAST THING I EXPECTED WAS ANOTHER NOTE,

SO HERE I AM.

[DISTANT HOWLING]

NOW, WHAT'S THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS?

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

IT WAS A NICE TOUCH, MEETING HERE LIKE THIS,

BUT IT DOESN'T EXACTLY SCARE ME.

MAYBE I WASN'T TRYING TO SCARE YOU.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF THE ACTION? HUH?

THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

IN 12 YEARS, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU, A COP?

IS THAT WHAT I'M DEALING WITH HERE?

NO, I'M NOT A COP.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW IN AWE I AM.

ALL THOSE LADIES,

SO GRATEFUL FOR ONE LAST TASTE OF LIFE.

WHAT DO YOU DO TO THEM?

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I DON'T WANT THEM TO GET A HOLD OF YOU.

TEACH ME.

THEM? WHO'S THEM?

WHAT IS THIS, A CONSPIRACY?

DON'T YOU SEE? THEY WANT YOU.

THEY USED ME TO BRING YOU.

THEY'RE BEGGING ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MAN, THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU. RUN!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THERE'S A PENALTY FOR WASTING MY TIME.

AAH...

I GOT GOOD NEWS, EPHIE.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE COMPANY.

HEY. WHERE'D SHE GO?

I'M OVER HERE, HOWARD.

I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.

EPHIE?

I MISSED YOU.

ME, TOO, HOWARD.

MATILDA?

WE COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.

AND WE CAN'T DIE WITHOUT YOU.

NO. NO.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME, HOWARD?

[HOWARD] NO! NO! NO!

IT'S ELIZABETH.

OH! OH! ELIZABETH!

AAH...

AAH! CLARE!

OH, MY GOD, NO! NO! NO! NO!

AAH! AAH!

NO! NO! AAH... AAH...

AAH... AAH...

AAH!

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A HAPPY ENDING.

I HAD A FEELING EPHIE WOULD WIN HOWARD'S HEART,

NOT TO MENTION HIS SPLEEN,

HIS KIDNEYS, AND HIS GALL BLADDER.

AH HA HA HA!

SO, WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE?

[SHATTERS]

MMM.

I LOVE A GHOUL WHO GIVES YOU HEAD

AND THEN LETS YOU KEEP IT.

AH HA HA HA HA!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE... www.ncicap.org...

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