Original subtitles

Hey, you, how you feeling?

Awful. I feel so unbelievably pregnant.

Oh, please, girl. You call that pregnant?

You look great for nine months.

When I was pregnant with junior, everything spread.

My nose spread, my feet got wide.

My butt was so big,

I could reach in my back pocket like this.

What kind of foolishness?

Well, I can't imagine anybody being more pregnant

Than I am right now.

I look like I'm gonna bust. Oh, that's nonsense.

Wow, you look like you're about to bust.

Yeah, I did that.

You know me.

When junior kyle gets somebody pregnant,

They get good and pregnant. [ Laughs ]

You know what I'm talking about. You've been there.

Two times. I don't know who your father is.

[ Laughs ]

You're not my daddy?

Boy, eat your food.

I just want to have this baby and get it over with.

Why am I so overdue?

That's because you're carrying junior's child.

See, now that the head is fully developed,

It's gonna take an extra month

For the rest of the body to catch up.

You know, because right now,

The body's little like --

Like gazoo from "the flintstones."

I get it, dad! Gazoo!

Yabba-dabba-doo! [ Laughs ]

Yabba-dabba-doo! [ Laughs ]

Yabba-dabba--

Don't.

Okay, look.

I've been thinking.

Ever since the fiasco at the restaurant,

I realized that we're not ready for the arrival of this baby.

So I took it upon myself

To come up with a plan that will help us

Get through this ordeal like clockwork.

Now, jay, I made you second-in-command.

I want you to read this.

Okay.

"We call this 'operation shock and awful big head' --"

No, no.

See, "awe-ful" -- that's a joke.

It is?

"Awe-ful...big head" yeah.

"Awe-ful," and then back off, "big head."

Go ahead, try it.

"We call this 'operation shock and a-a-awful big head.'"

No. Baby, come on.

You gotta stress "awe-ful."

Just let the head drop a little. "Awe-ful."

Do you want to do this yourself?

You're doing good. You're doing good.

Not funny, but good.

"Step one -- have vanessa's bag packed

"And waiting at the top of the stairs.

"At the start of labor, junior will calmly retrieve the bag

And place it in the trunk of the vehicle --"

No.

"Vehicle" is a joke, baby.

Where do you see joke?

It's a --

Vehicle! You gotta lean into it.

Vehicle. Just let your head drop.

If I wanted it to read like a statement,

I would have said "car."

Car. See, that's not funny.

Vehicle.

You know what? Forget it.

What I'm gonna do is give everybody a copy of this script,

And we'll just do a dry run, okay?

Vehicle.

I don't care!

Okay, here we go, and...

Action.

"Ow, ow! I think my water broke!"

"Yes, it has. Are you contracting?"

"Oh, ow! Yes, I am!

I need to get to the...hospital."

"Where is my strong, athletic, handsome, sexy husband

To lead me in this time of crisis?"

"Here I am. Don't panic.

"I have everything under control. Junior...

"Go upstairs and get vanessa's prepacked bag

And bring it to the front door."

"Yes, all-knowing, wise, loving father,

"Who deserved better than a bigheaded dummy for a son...

"Like me, who shouldn't have gotten himself

Into this mess in the first 'placky.'"

"Place," boy, it's "place."

"Place"? "Place"! "First place"!

Oh, that makes more sense.

Okay, jay, it's your line.

All right, all right.

"What would us women do without you brave men?"

"No -- no time for compliments.

"We have to get the girl to the hospital.

"But in answer to your question, you wouldn't survive.

Now, I will go pull the vehicle around front."

See, that's how you say it.

Yeah, I got it, I got it. Okay.

"You help vanessa."

"Oh. Ee-ooh ah oh. Another contraction has come!

"Please hurry!

Please, please. I feel the baby coming."

Wait, wait, wait. That's not in the script.

I was ad-libbing.

Don't...do that.

Every...word is a pearl.

Okay, jay, your line.

"Yes, master." "Master"? Michael.

Sorry, I got a little wired on the coffee

When I was writing this.

Just say -- say "your majesty."

You have the next line.

Right, right. I should know this.

Okay, um...

Okay, yeah, here's my line.

"Don't forget the insurance cards,

"Which I have fortuitously

Placed in the table by the front door."

"Wow, you are so smart."

"And efficient."

"I've got the bags, father,

And I promise not to do anything stupid."

"Okay, look over there." Where? Ow!

"That's just in case." Hey, you ad-libbing.

I have creative license here. I'm the director.

Okay, that's good.

Three minutes. Three minutes.

We got to get the time down, but this is good.

We're off to a good start.

You know real life is not gonna go according to your plan.

Jay, chance favors the prepared mind.

Remember that, okay?

I'm gonna write that in your script.

I'm not saying it. I don't know why you're --

You will learn that line, missy!

Or you'll never be in a michael kyle play again.

Now, we got to get this down to less than three minutes.

Okay, from the top.

And...action!

"Oh! Ooh ee-oh!

I think my water broke!"

Mmm. I look good.

I look good. Ooh, ooh.

[ Knock on door ] who is it?

Kady: it's me.

What do you want, thief?

Dad told me to give you your stuff back.

That's it?

[ Sighs ]

You took my lipsticks, too?

I'm sorry. That's why I came here to apologize.

For what? There's so many things to choose from.

Are you apologizing for sneaking into my room

Or stealing my stuff?

Okay, okay, okay. I get it.

I just came here to make things right.

Oh, and here.

You just don't understand

How hard it is to be the baby in transition.

I'm not a little kid anymore,

But I'm not a teenager yet, either.

I'm just little miss "in between."

How much of my stuff did you take?

Hold on. I'll go get the rest.

This is everything.

Oh, wait. This is yours, too.

[ Scoffs ] I don't understand, kady.

Why do you do stuff like that?

Because I want to be like you.

Really?

Really.

Well, I suppose I can't blame you for that.

I mean, who wouldn't want to be like me?

[ Laughs ] even I want to be more like me.

[ Giggles, sighs ]

Well, I admire you, and you're beautiful,

And that's why I did it.

Well, in that case, you're forgiven.

You can be like me. Just don't take any of my stuff.

But how can I be like you

If I don't have any stuff like you?

Hmm, I see your point.

Well, how about I give you my old stuff?

I don't want to be the old you.

I want to be the new you.

Okay, look, I'll tell you what.

How about you go to the mall with your big sister

And have a little shopping spree?

Really?

Really. Let's go.

Huh, you like that, baby?

I would if the sight of you

Didn't repulse me right now.

Ooh.

And how can you stand looking at me?

I look like a giant, chocolate, swollen dud.

Hey, hey. That's not a bad name for the baby.

We're not naming the baby "chocolate dud."

Okay. Well, how about a bible name?

Oh, that's good, like "matthew" or "ruth."

Ooh -- you know, I was thinking

More like "leviticus" or "2nd chronicles."

[ Laughs ]

Okay, now you're just being silly.

Oh!

Oh, come on. The joke wasn't that bad.

No, it's just another one of those

Braxton-hicks contractions.

Are you sure?

Yeah, the doctor said I'll know when the real ones start.

I don't want to have another false alarm.

Let's think more about names. It takes my mind off it.

Okay.

I think we should name the baby after you.

Yeah. You know, "junior junior."

Or should it be "junior ii"? Or "junior two times"?

Okay, maybe that was a bad idea.

Okay, well, how about a combination of both our names?

Junior and vanessa?

Yeah. If it's a girl, we could name her "janessa."

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, and if it's a boy, we could name him "vajunior."

Vajunior? That sounds nasty.

Or there's "vanjor."

Hmm, janessa or vanjor?

Yeah, I don't think they're being used by anybody else.

You're right. I've never heard anyone with those names.

I suppose there might be a vanjor someplace,

Like asia or brussels,

But as long as our son stays out of those areas,

He won't have to worry.

Hmm, vanjor kyle. Janessa kyle.

Those are unique.

Another good name -- "unique" if it's a girl,

And "uni-qué" if it's a spanish boy.

Right.

Now all we have to do is figure out which one is coming.

Ow!

Oh, are you having another one of those contractions?

I sure am.

How long have you been having them?

Since yesterday. They're getting closer together.

They're like five minutes apart now.

Yeah, well, if they get any closer together,

We should tell mom and dad, okay?

Hey, uni-qué.

Hey, uni-qué.

Se habla español.

There you go. Fresh off the presses.

What is this? I rewrote the script.

You were right. The dialogue -- it lacked urgency, jay.

So I took a pass at it. Okay, let me read it to you.

[ Clears throat ]

"Michael sits at the table with his lovely wife.

"She stares at him lovingly,

"Not believing how lucky she is

To have this man in her life."

Your line.

Right there.

[ Flatly ] "how lucky am I to be with this man?"

Lacks enthusiasm.

Wonder why.

You know what?

You change that attitude, or I will replace you, missy.

Claire is upstairs with no lines,

Dying to have this part.

Okay? Now...

Let me finish.

"Suddenly, offstage, we hear junior say, 'dad! Dad!'

Then he enters in a panic."

Dad! Dad! I'm panicking, dad!

Okay, see?

That's the kind of commitment I'm looking for.

She's in labor! She's having the baby!

Hey! What did I tell you about ad-libbing?

You stick to the script.

Your line is -- "vanessa's having the baby.

Let's go!"

Vanessa's having the baby! Let's go!

That actually was really good, junior.

Bravo. Brav-o.

I can't believe your commitment.

Now, I want you to do it again, son, but this time,

Wait for me to say "action."

And I'll say it like this -- a-a-a-and...

Action!

The baby's coming! Let's get to the hospital!

Not bad, not bad.

Your acting's a little over the top, hon,

But I like the commitment.

Look, she left a puddle outside as if her water broke.

My water did break! I'm having this baby now!

She's having the baby now.

Michael, she's having the baby now!

[ All screaming ]

Okay, wait, wait, wait! Everybody, stay calm.

I'm in control here.

All right, now, we stick to the script,

And everything will be fine. Now, action!

What do we do, daddy?! What do we do?!

I don't know! [ Whimpers ]

Mommy, help!

Boy, go get vanessa's bag!

Michael, I'm gonna take her to sit down,

And you go get the car!

No, vehicle. Vehicle.

The car! Car. Okay.

Okay. Okay. It's okay, it's okay.

Just sit down. Sit down on the couch.

Okay?

I can't find the keys!

What do you mean --

[ All screaming ] oh, my god!

Michael, claire and kady took the car to the mall!

Claire took the car? [ Cries ]

Aah!

Junior: I got the bags! I got the bags!

Boy, stop fooling around.

We gotta get the girl to the hospital.

It's too late! I'm gonna have the baby now!

[ All screaming ]

Here comes another one!

Okay, baby, hold my hand

And squeeze whenever you feel pain, okay?

Oh, my go-o-o-o-d!

Oh, my go-o-o-o-d!

Aaahh!

[ Screaming ]

Okay, how far apart are the contractions?

Two minutes, michael. Two minutes, doc.

Yeah, okay. Okay, well, thank you.

What did he say?

He said we're gonna have to deliver it.

What?!

Well, if push comes to shove, then your mother can do it.

Me?!

Yeah, you stuff a turkey every year.

This is the same thing, just in reverse.

That's right.

Have you ever delivered a baby before?

No, but...don't panic because delivering a baby

Has gotta be easier than giving birth to one, right?

But, mommy, it's not as easy as making them.

It all happened so fast, I didn't even know I did it,

And it still worked.

Aaahh!

Aaahh!

Vanessa, what can we do to make you more comfortable?

Drugs! Drugs!

Baby, baby, how about I get you a nice chamomile tea?

How about I rip your head off?!

Okay, that's a no to the tea.

Let's just get her upstairs.

Come on, vanessa.

Hi, claire. What's going on? Hi, hi, hi.

Can I have another doughnut?

I think you've had enough sugar for today.

One more, one more! Huh? What do you say?

No more doughnuts. Just sit down and be quiet.

Stop it. Just take a breath.

[ Sighs ] [ sighs ]

Good.

I'll just put it all into my foot.

You know, today's been a lot of fun.

Yeah, I've enjoyed it, too.

You didn't think I was annoying?

Not until now. Can you stop bouncing?

I'll just put it into my fingers.

So you didn't think I was annoying?

You weren't annoying. You were fun to be with.

It's been that way for a while.

What way?

Well, every time I wanted to hang out with you

Or go with you, you told mom that I was annoying.

That's because you were annoying,

But that's when you were younger.

Now you're almost grown up.

So we're friends now? Sure.

And we'll be able to hang out together? Sure.

And I'll be able to borrow all your clothes?

[ Laughs ] don't push it. Let's shake on it.

[ Giggling ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh! Okay, baby, take it easy!

Breathe. Breathe.

If you don't shut up, you'll never breathe again.

Daddy, I'm scared!

Jay, stay here with vanessa.

Junior, come here. Step into my office.

Let's go.

Boy, is she cranky.

She's more than cranky. She's possessed.

You ever see the movie "the exorcist"?

Aaahh!

Okay, this is the scene where she levitates off the bed

And then spits out the soup, but instead of soup,

It's gonna be a baby. Okay?

So don't pay attention to any of the insults.

Aaahhh! O-okay, so what do we do?

You just laugh. Laugh?

Anything she says, just -- ha ha -- laugh it off.

A little chuckle. All right.

[ Groaning ] aah!

Aah! [ Laughs ]

Aah!

Aah! [ Laughs ]

Aaaahh!

Aaaahh! [ Laughs ]

What are you laughing at, you bigheaded jackass?!

I don't know!

Oh, my god! The baby's coming! I can feel it!

Maybe we should leave the room while mom delivers the baby.

Yes, why don't you guys get out of here

So I can see what's going on under here --

Baby? Baby? Baby? She passed out.

What do you mean, she passed out?

We're gonna have to go to plan "b."

The stork?

Boy, tell me you don't believe in the stork.

Dad, I have to believe in the stork

Because the only other choices are either me or you.

That's right, you and me are gonna deliver this baby.

Hey, hang on a second.

Are you gonna have to see vanessa naked?

Aaahh! Parts of her.

Ooh, you know what I mean?

Look, junior, I can't deliver the baby

If I don't see where it's coming from.

Hmm. Then I'm gonna have to ask you to close your eyes.

Okay, that's a plan. But let's examine.

Okay.

If I don't look,

Then I'm gonna have to feel my way around.

Do you want me feeling my way around down there?

Somebody, help me! Get this thing out of me!

Dad, do you know how to deliver a baby?

No, no. But I know somebody who does.

Okay, okay. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Bishop to queen six.

Take that, bobby fischer.

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello-o-o?

Mumford residence.

Yeah. Hey, franklin, it's me, mr. Kyle.

Who gave you my new number?

Your mother.

What's with that woman?

I'll deal with her later. Now, what do you want?

And make it fast. I've got bobby fischer in check.

Okay, what do you know about delivering babies?

Just what I learned during my residency at st. John's

And what I recall from the baby I delivered.

You delivered a baby?

Yes, I delivered myself.

[ Laughs ]

Just kidding.

[ Laughs mockingly ]

Listen, vanessa's about to give birth.

What do I do?

Okay, who's with you?

Uh, junior, and jay's passed out.

Okay, first send junior to go boil some water.

Junior, go boil water.

All right, what do I do with the water?

Nothing. You just needed to get the idiot out of the room.

Now, how far apart are the contractions?

Okay, vanessa, how far apart are your contractions?

30 Seconds! Hurry up! Do something!

Is she dilated?

Um...

Okay, the baby just winked at me.

What does that tell you?

It tells me you better get in the catching position.

Now, take the baby's head,

Rest it, support it, then guide it out.

All right.

Aah! Nothing's happening.

Tell vanessa to push.

Okay, vanessa, on the count of three,

I need you to push as hard as you can, sweetie, okay?

Okay.

All right. One -- aaaahhh!

Aaahh! Here it comes!

Aaahh!

Here it comes! Keep pushing!

Keep pushing!

What's happening?

The baby's here.

Okay, now smack it on the butt.

I can't smack it on the butt. It's so cute.

Do it. Just do it.

Do it now.

[ Smack ]

I'm sorry, fella. He made me do it.

I'm a grandfather.

What a beautiful baby.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Is it a boy or a girl?

Well, what names did you pick out?

Janessa if it's a girl, and vanjor if it's a boy.

Vanjor?

What kind of name is vanjor?

It's a combination of vanessa and junior.

It's either that or vajunior.

Ew. I just saw a vajunior.

Please don't name it that.

Well, but is it a boy or a girl?

That's your son, son.

Oh, wow.

Hey, little fella.

Hey, man.

Hey, vanessa, since you did all the work,

I think you should pick the baby's name.

But I don't know what to name him.

Well, the way we did it was I held the baby,

And I said different names,

And whichever one they responded to positively,

That's the one that stuck.

Well, let's see if he responds positively to this --

Welcome to the world, michael kyle iii.

[ Laughs ]

He's smiling.

Michael richard kyle iii it is.

This is good, son.

Four against three. We're catching up to the women.

Yeah, all we need is a couple more men,

And we'll be even.

Do you want to hold him, mr. Kyle?

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Wow, I'm a grandfather.

Say hello to grandpa.

Yeah, hello.

Um, kid, say hello to grandpa.

Say hello to grandpa. Say hello to grandpa.