Original subtitles

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Ha!

Ha!

Ha ha!

Ow!

Here, you take it.

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

Boy, what is wrong with you?

Did I just give you a section to read?

Yeah, but it's more fun to read what you're reading.

Why?

I don't know. I guess it's a son thing.

It's kind of like it's more fun for me to wear your underwear than mine.

I don't want those drawers. Baby, burn those drawers.

Huh? Here, baby. Have a sandwich.

Thank you, honey.

And thank you.

You want me to cut it in half for you?

Don't mind if you do.

Now feed me, please.

Oh, look at you. You're gonna make a great mommy.

I get a lot of practice with junior.

I see.

I wish this baby would come.

I'm a week late already.

Oh, well, you can always go to the hospital and induce it.

Mmm. I've decided I want to have the baby at home.

[ Groans ]

Want to do what?

I decided I want to have my baby at home.

I don't think that's a good idea.

What if something happens, vanessa?

No, it won't. I've been working with a midwife.

You don't want to get caught in a midwife crisis. [Midlife]

[ Laughing ] midwife...

Unh-unh. Shut it up, please.

Right.

This is some serious stuff. What is this woman's name?

Peeton wipastoppa.

Peeton did stop what?

It's indian for "summer breeze."

Summer breeze? That sounds like a feminine-hygiene commercial.

[ Feminine voice ] I feel so confident with my summer breeze.

No, silly. She's a complete vegan and yoga master.

She worked at woodstock.

Which woodstock?

There's only one woodstock -- snoopy's friend.

He's a bird. [ Whistles ]

Ow!

Vanessa, listen, take it from a woman

Who has had three children -- childbirth is no joke.

That's what most women say,

But I happen to have a very high threshold for pain.

Yeah, and you also happen to be carrying junior's baby,

And have you gotten a look at the size of that head?

They may have to give you a c-section, a b-section,

They might even flip you over

And take some spine out to get that head out.

That's what happened to me.

That's right, that's why I'm so short.

I have a lot of confidence in summer breeze.

You say that now,

You're gonna want a real good doctor

With some real good drugs,

Not some hippie throwing daisies at you.

Michael, will you help me out here, please?!

Boy, do you have a say in this?!

Yeah, and I'm fine with it.

As a matter of fact, here's the best part --

Baby, tell them the best part.

We're gonna have the baby in a bathtub!

Yes!

Look, call me old-school,

But I think a baby should be pulled out with metal tongs,

Smacked on the behind by a doctor

The way the good lord intended.

That's right. I agree.

No disrespect, but you guys did things your way, and...

We're gonna do things our way.

Oh, vanessa, please.

You'll feel more comfortable once you meet summer breeze.

She's coming over tomorrow

For a final practice birthing session.

Well, we can hardly wait.

Michael: hey, guys.

You're late.

Sorry. We ran into traffic.

Yeah.

Please remove your shoes before entering

To show respect for the birthing space.

I ain't taking off my shoes in my own house.

Michael, will you just do it?

Fine.

Keeping on my socks, though.

Hi, I'm jay.

And I'm summer breeze. Whoosh!

Namaste. [Now must stay]

Hey, I'm michael kyle, and whoosh!

Now must go.

We talked about this in the car. You are going to do this.

Okay, okay. Let's just get this over with.

Okay.

You have such a big, beautiful, bright aura.

I am seeing lots of yellows and oranges.

[ Imitating summer ] and I'm seeing lots of nuts and whackadoodles.

Stop it.

Thank you. I've always known I've had...

Oranges and yellows in my aura.

I'm going to give you the name "big sun"!

That's funny, because I already gave her the name -- look --

Big moon. [ Laughs ]

Would you --

One more. You got one more. Sorry.

Isn't it great how intuitive she is? Mm-hmm.

She gave me and junior indian names, too.

I am "wind between ears."

And I am "eager beaver."

Yeah, and I'm "stuck in hell."

What? What's this?

Well, I'm just, uh, noticing

Your aura is very muddy and charcoaly and negative

And angry and judgmental, laced with hostility and rage!

I'm going to call you...

"Dark cloud."

[ Gasps ]

And I'm gonna call you...a cab.

[ Gasps ] give me the phone.

Michael, michael, just go ahead, go ahead.

Thank you, big sun. Let's begin.

What are you doing now?

You're gonna set the house on fire.

No, no... I'm just removing

All of the impurities and bad energies.

There's no bad energy in this house.

Whew!

I am noticing a big cesspool of negativity right here!

Okay, you know what? Listen, listen, listen.

This can't be good for the baby.

Okay? I feel like a smoked sparerib.

Me too. Let's eat. Shut up.

Please take a seat.

Uh -- on the floor.

Right. On the floor.

We will begin our session

With an ancient-mayan birth song

To welcome the baby from his particular plane

To our particular plane

And begin this journey

That we call "the birthing process."

And begin --

Could we sing the damn song...please?

[ Chuckles ]

[ High-pitched voice ] ♪ ma-ma say ♪

♪ Ma-ma no ♪

♪ Ma-non gooka ♪

♪ Ma-ma say, ma-ma no ♪

♪ Ma-non gooka ♪

♪ Ma-ma say -- ♪

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I know this song. That's michael jackson slowed down.

Ma-ma say, ma-ma sa, ma-ma coo sa.

Hey, dark cloud... I know my michael jackson.

Zip it, please.

Wind between ears.

Yes, mrs. Breeze?

As the seed giver,

It is your responsibility to soothe eager beaver

In her time of stress.

Summer breeze presents you with this precious feather.

Run it over her, like so,

Any time she seems to become aware

Of the stabbing pain!

Of the beauty of the birth experience.

Okay.

Oh, wow. It's very relaxing.

I feel so peaceful.

That's because you haven't experienced

The stabbing pain! Of the birthing yet.

♪ I have the magic feather ♪

♪ I have the magic feather ♪

Boy, get that thing out of my face.

Tickle!

I don't know how much more of this I can take, really.

Dark cloud! Yes, miss breeze?

It is very important that the mother-to-be's chakras

Remain open during the birth process.

Here is some tatuti oil.

Where'd you get this from, some mayan king?

No, I got it at walbaum's -- $2.99.

It is your responsibility to use this oil

To keep her third eye and heart chakras open.

You know what?

There's only gonna be one chakra that needs to be open,

And I'm not going anywhere near that with oil.

Give it to me. I will do it.

[ Exhales deeply ] here.

Here you go, okay.

Nnnaaahh!!

What kind of foolishness?

Eager beaver...

We now begin to simulate the birthing experience.

Wind between ears,

Please join big sun and dark cloud

And summer breeze in an energy-releasing dance

To facilitate the flow of chi.

You know what? This is crazy.

I ain't gonna participate in this.

This is important to us.

It takes a whole community

To have a successful natural-birthing experience.

Fine.

Be free!

Hear the beat of the universal heart.

Listen to your impulses.

Let them move you to your right.

Let them move you to your left.

♪ And back two times ♪

Whoo!

♪ Now slide to the left ♪ oh!

♪ And slide to the right ♪ oh!

♪ Now charlie brown ♪ whoo!

♪ Just charlie brown ♪

♪ Is woodstock here? ♪

♪ He's here, daddy ♪

♪ Is woodstock here? ♪

♪ He's over here, daddy ♪

That is not the cosmic dance!

Dark cloud!

♪ And hop three times ♪

Look, this is crazy.

The whole idea of having a baby at home is just ridiculous.

It's dangerous. Why are we doing this?

I don't like the idea either,

But this is what the kids want to do,

And we should support them.

Mom, dad, I think that little twerp

You call my sister is stealing my stuff.

Did you see her steal it, claire?

No, but some of my lipsticks and perfume

Have mysteriously disappeared off my vanity.

Are you sure you haven't misplaced them?

No, I haven't misplaced them. I'm 18, not 40.

Hey, do you mind?

I'm 40.

And your mother's gonna be 40...

In about 18 years.

Okay?

So your mother and I have some important things that we're talking about.

What could be more important

Than my sister stealing my perfume?

[ Imitating claire ] everything else!

Now, go! Go upstairs, leave us alone.

That's it?

[ Imitating claire ] yeah. That's it.

[ Normal voice ] look, if you want to come back with some concrete evidence,

Then come back and see us, okay?

Okay, I will. I'll prove it to you guys.

[ Imitating claire ] good. See you later.

[ Exasperated sigh ]

[ Exasperated sigh ]

Michael: what are you guys up to?

We're trying to figure out

A way to get this baby to come out.

You know, I remember my mother saying

That if you walked around the house

In a full squat position, it made the baby come faster.

You should try that.

Really? I'll try anything at this point.

Okay.

Yeah, like that. Yeah.

Like this?

Right, now take that leg and make a full-circle step.

Now do the other leg.

Okay.

Now slap your thigh with your hand.

Now slap the other thigh.

Grunt.

[ Grunts ]

That's good. Now put it all together.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

[ Grunts ]

Does all of this really make the baby come faster?

No, it just makes you look like a sumo wrestler.

[ Laughs ]

Mr. Kyle, that's not funny. I'm miserable.

Jay: come on.

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughs ]

Hey, I have an idea.

If you want to lure a mouse out of a hole,

You lure him out with cheese, right?

We're talking about a baby here, junior.

Let me finish, sweetie. Thank you.

Now...

If you want to lure a baby out of a womb,

You lure him out with something babies like --

Cookies.

Ooh, what's that? A chocolate-chip cookie?

Boy, that sure looks good.

If I was a baby in a womb,

I'd come out for this little treat.

Come on. Come on, little one.

Come on. [ Laughs ]

What, you don't think it'll work?

Ooh!

It's gone!

The baby must have came out and snatched the cookie away.

Your mother ate the cookie.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

I was kidding.

Franklin: hey, everybody.

I've come across an interesting tidbit of information.

And what's that?

Well, there's this italian restaurant

Called "mama bambini's,"

Where legend has it there

That there's a meal that induces labor.

And what's that specialty, fetus-cini?

Baby-hair pasta?

[ Laughter ]

Infant-celli.

Chicken and waffles! [ Laughs ]

Waffles!

[ Laughs ]

Chicken!

[ Laughs ]

And! [ Laughs ]

Uh...

No.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Lord knows we need to get this baby born.

Okay, you know what?

I'll make reservations for tonight.

Chicken and waffles.

Boy, I ought to kick you right off of that chair.

Ooh. [ Coughs ]

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Okay, okay.

This ought to trap her.

Thanks for the new perfume, mom.

[ Imitating jay ] oh, girl, you welcome.

[ Normal voice ] it smells great.

[ Imitates jay's laugh ]

I'm gonna run over to erika's.

I'll be back in time to go to dinner with you guys.

See you later!

[ Laughs evilly ]

So how was your embryo-ni?

Oh, it was very placent-a.

[ Laughs ] get it? Placenta?

That's good.

What about you, franklin?

You like your surf-and-turf meal?

The steak was pretty good,

But I'm not too keen on fish,

So I didn't care for the sea section.

The sea section!

Get it, c-section?

The meal you selected was quite unusual.

Did you enjoy it?

Yes, I did. It appeased the odd in me.

Get it, episiotomy?

All right, all right. We get it.

Enough already.

Oh, I know one thing.

Those hot peppers they put in my dish have the baby doing somersaults.

Yeah, maybe it'll flip out on the table.

I wonder what's taking kady so long in the bathroom.

What did she do, fall in?

[ Chuckles ]

The baby's not flipping around anymore.

I don't think it's gonna happen tonight.

Oh, be patient, sweetie. It'll happen.

Aah!

Oh, lucky.

Oh. Oh, my gosh.

Ooh.

Jay: what is that smell?

Mnh-mnh.

Ooh!

Ah! Whoa!

You stink like a skunk. What happened?

I don't know.

I'll tell you what happened.

I planted some skunk scent in a perfume bottle,

And "light fingers" mcguinness over here stole it.

You said you wanted proof.

Take a whiff.

Oh, lord, have mercy. You know what?

I'm gonna have to scrub you with tomato juice.

Mnh-mnh.

And pine -- a pine tree.

Don't worry, my little stinkweed,

I still love you.

Although...

I do consider this a test of our relationship.

[ Groans ]

I'm contracting!

Oh, my god. She's in labor. Are you in labor?

Aah!

Yeah, I think that's a yes. Do something.

Hey, baby, I have the magic feather.

Feel calm, feel peace --

If you don't get away from me

With that magic feather --

Aah!

Hey, hey, hey! Like a man.

Okay.

You have to stay calm. Okay.

Now, let's get her home, because time is critical.

Let's go!

What kind of foolishness?

Did -- did you forget something?

Yeah, we forgot her. Aah!

Somebody, do something!

I got the tatuti oil.

Get the tatuti oil. Get the tatuti oil.

Get that damn tatuti oil away from me!

Put it back! Put it back!

Listen, listen, listen!

We're gonna get you home,

And we're gonna call summer, okay?

To hell with summer! Get me to the hospital!

I want dru-u-gs!!

All right, come on, let's go.

All right, just watch the tone a little bit,

'Cause you're a little bit up there.

You need to turn the volume down on that.

Jay: oh, my goodness. Look at all these people.

Oh, we're gonna be here forever!

What's going on, guys?

Ew, what is that smell?!

Excuse me, excuse me.

Okay, who's next?

[ Sniffs ] ugh! Did something die in here?

No, no. It's just me.

Actually, it's an acquired odor.

It's like having your own fart run around with you.

But never mind her.

She's about to have a baby any second.

Come on, hurry up.

Sir, I've been doing this for a long time.

Just stand back and let me handle my business, okay?

Yes, ma'am. Now, only one person go in there with her.

That's you.

No, hey, come here. What's wrong with you?

What?

I'm scared, daddy.

Look, it's okay to be scared,

But this is gonna be

The most wonderful moment of your life.

Now, I want you to go in there with vanessa,

Hold her hand, look her in the eye,

And comfort her, okay?

All right, I will.

Son, you're gonna walk in there a boy,

And you're gonna come out a man.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you, dad.

Oh, one more thing.

When she's giving birth, whatever you do,

Don't look down.

Yeah, but -- don't get curious.

I've --

Trust me. You don't want...

Wha--

Hear what I'm saying.

But I --

Don't...do it!

Okay. No, okay.

He's gonna look.

Foof.

Kady, you stink.

Vanessa, what are you doing here?

You still look pregnant.

Don't say that.

It takes a while to drop the weight, stupid.

It's okay. I am still pregnant.

It was a false alarm.

Really?

Yeah, the doctor said to go back home.

I'm not ready yet.

My water hasn't broken. I'm not even dilated yet.

How did he explain all the pain you were in?

He said she had toni braxton's hips.

What?

No, he said I was having braxton-hicks contractions.

What's that?

I believe I can elaborate.

It's a false labor first discovered in 1872

By british gynecologist john braxton hicks.

Well, thank you, captain knowledge.

So what comes next?

Well, in 1873,

Braxton hicks got run over by a runaway horse cart.

Ironically, when he got the hospital,

They thought he was faking!

[ Laughs ]

You're gonna leave me hanging?

Yeah.

I want to know what happens next with vanessa.

I believe I can answer that.

We go home, and we wait. Come on.

Oh, boy.

Watch out for her.

Oh, she stinks. Leave her in the hospital.

Maybe they can operate some of that off of her.

[ Knock on door ]

Hi, daddy.

Is it safe in here?

Did you get that skunk smell off of you?

Yeah, that and three layers of skin.

I feel raw.

Well, that's the price you pay

For taking things that aren't yours,

Which, by the way, is called "stealing."

I wasn't stealing.

I was gonna bring the things back.

I just wanted to be like claire.

What's wrong with being like kady?

Kady's just a boring little kid,

And claire's a beautiful girl who gets lots of attention.

Look, claire is 18 years old.

That's why she can wear lipstick and perfume.

Before you know it, it'll be your turn,

But for right now, just enjoy being a kid.

Okay.

You know, I think it's really sweet

That you idolize your sister,

But you have to learn to respect

Her right to her property.

I'm sorry.

I'll apologize to claire in the morning.

Good.

Now give me a kiss and let me tuck you in.

[ Smooches ]

Where's kady? Where's kady?

[ Giggles ]

There she goes!

[ Giggles ]

I'm gonna let you in on a secret.

Claire doesn't get tucked in anymore.

She doesn't?

Nope.

That's reserved especially for my little baby girl, kady.

[ Smooches ]

I love you, daddy.

I love you, too.

Jay, she's still got that stink on her.

Hey!

Uh-oh. What's wrong?

I think it's time. Time for what?

[ Sarcastically ] hammer time.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Stop it! Stop!

It's time for the baby!

Oh. Baby time.

Waa! Waa! Waa! Waa!

Waa! Waa! Waa! Feedin' time.

I'm being serious! Come on!

Oh! Okay, okay!

Breathe. Relax. Breathe deeply.

[ Breathing deeply ]

[ Belches ]

Whoops.

Sorry. False alarm.

Then it is hammer time.

♪ Doo doo doo, dee dee dee ♪

♪ Dee dee dee, can't touch this ♪

[ Humming ]

No, he said I was having braxton-hicks contractions.

What's that?

I believe I can elaborate.

Well, in 1872...

Uh...

[ Laughter ]