Original subtitles

Oh, I love game night. Everybody has so much fun.

This is a great way

To bring calvin and jasmine into the family.

You know the problem with bringing calvin and jasmine into the family?

Is they become part of the family.

They are not that bad. Now stop it.

Plus you love these game nights.

No, I love you, and I do them for you.

It's like going to the dentist.

I know it's gonna be painful,

But in the end, they give you a lollipop.

You know why they give you the lollipop?

So you can rot your teeth out, and you can go back.

So you don't let them get that cotton ball stuck in your mouth.

It'll be in there for three weeks,

And you'll be like, "what's stinking?"

[ Sniffing ] you know what's stinking?

You, jay. You be stinking.

What does this have to do with calvin?

I don't know, but my tooth's starting to hurt.

All I'm saying is only an idiot would love this game night.

I love game night!

We are ready to part-ay!

He's ready to party, and I'm ready to pop.

But you look so pretty!

Right, I look like a brontosaurus in a dress.

You are the cutest dinosaur in town, baby.

Is that supposed to be a compliment?

Only if you like it, because I love you.

Oh, well, I love you, too!

Okay.

All right, cut it out.

Help take these hors d'oeuvres into the living room.

Oh, boy, pigs in a blanket -- my favorite.

Hey, baby...

What does that remind you of?

You.

I'll be back, wobbles.

I will never eat one of those again.

Oh, I'm so ready to have this baby.

Yeah, we can't wait either.

Can I say "hello"?

Be my guest.

[ Baby-talking ]

Ow, he kicked me!

Ooh, I want to get kicked, too!

Not by you. The baby.

There's been a lot of kicking lately.

Go ahead, kick grandma. Kick grandma.

Oh, wow, I felt it.

It's so cute.

We got a regular little kung-fu fighter in there.

Get ready for "womb raider."

Get it?

"I want to kick my way out of here."

Oh, god, I hope it opens this friday,

'Cause I'm ready for it to...karate-chop its way

On out of here.

Oh, yeah, laugh.

After I set her up, it's funny now.

Don't worry. It'll happen soon.

Go on in there.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Claire: I'll get it.

Hi, tony.

Hi. Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Where are you coming from?

I just saw "the passion."

Again? How many times is that?

11.

You must really have a passion for it.

[ Chuckles ]

Wow. Okay, try this.

I like it, but it's not as good as the book.

[ All laughing ]

That's funny.

I set that joke up.

Whoo! Whoo!

So, where's your folks at?

Probably lost.

My father refuses to ask for directions.

I don't know why he needs directions.

He can easily be diverted by a bacon truck.

I've never seen a bacon truck before.

Neither has he, but he thinks if he takes a different route, he might find one.

Then he gets lost, and he won't ask for directions.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hey, guys.

Sorry we're late.

Calvin thought he saw a bacon truck.

We ended up in new jersey.

Here's half a box of wine for you.

A half a box?

Hey, look at the vintage -- friday.

Yeah.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, jasmine. Hi, calvin. Have a seat.

Hey, baby girl.

[ Smooches ]

How you feeling?

Fat.

Fat? You're not even half as big as your mom.

Cal-cal!

Now, you know I lost all my baby fat after I had vanessa.

If you look behind you, you'll find it.

Okay, okay.

Now that we're all here, let the games begin.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Whoo!

All right, calvin.

You're gonna need a big roll to beat me.

Give me them dice, 'cause I'm gonna beat you.

I'm gonna show you how to do it here.

All right, we don't have all day.

It's my turn! I'll roll 'em the way I want!

Yes, you will.

Listen here, dice, if you want to see the sunrise tomorrow,

You better not come out.

Lucky double sixes.

He's threatening the dice, jay.

Come on, daddy, just roll.

Come on, calvin, everybody waiting now.

All right.

Lucky double sixes!

Oh!

[ Coughing, sneezing ]

He pulverized the dice, jay.

The man pulverized the dice.

I'm kinda hard on dice.

You should've got the steel kind.

We need steel dice.

Put that on the list with a half a box of wine

So we can have a full box.

Calvin, it's your turn to spin the arrow.

Let me just get my spin finger ready.

Okay, now, you know what color we want.

We want blue.

Now, you better get blue, or I'm gonna break you.

He's threatening his finger, jay.

Better his finger than you.

You better spin right, or I'm gonna put you in the hole.

What hole?

I don't know.

Now, touch his head for good luck.

Has he been in the hole today?

Not since I can remember.

[ Laughs ]

Psych!

Okay, here we go. Line her up.

Here we go.

Oh!

Ooh!

All right, we're down to our last board game.

It's your turn.

Okay, let me line her up.

Here we go.

All right.

Oh!

Whoopsie daisy!

[ Laughs ]

Okay.

Let's play something that calvin can't break or eat.

Like what?

Oh, I know.

We can play that twister with all the bright colors.

[ All screaming ]

Get up off my stuff.

Let's forget games. Let's just communicate.

We can just sit here and get to know one another, okay?

How's that? Okay.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Clears throat, whistles ]

Hey, this is fun, huh?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, did you guys hear about --

What, what, what?

No, I told y'all that one already.

[ All sigh ]

I know, there was a...

No, she told you that one already.

Did you know that if string theory actually proves true,

It could have interesting ramifications for...

Why did I even start talking?

So, what did moses say to the burning bush?

Nothing. The bush did all the talking! [ Laughs ]

Read your bibles. Go to church. Good night.

That's 'cause I didn't set him up.

You're nothing without a set-up man. Pbht!

Hey, you know what?

This talking stuff ain't working.

Why don't we play "what do you know?"

Oh, yeah.

About what?

No, that's the name of the game.

Yeah, and I said "about what?"

Like what?

Let me slow it down for you.

The name of the game that I want to play

Is called "what do you know?"

And I said, "about what?"

I know this game, cal-cal. It's fun.

Yeah. Here's how you play.

Everybody writes down questions about themselves

They think their partner should know.

Whoever gets the most questions right wins.

Let's play 'cause we're gonna kick some butt!

What, what?! Huh!

First the women are gonna ask the question to the men.

All right, baby, come on.

Let's show them how we do it here up in connecticut.

That's right. We got 19 years on y'all.

Mental telepathy going on. Y'all can't beat us.

Let's telepathize.

What's the anniversary of our first date?

Huh?

Um...

Huh?

Uh...

Come on, michael. Look me in the eye.

You mean the first time

That you and I went out on a date, right?

The date of the date!

Would you just tell them the date?

Got it.

It's, uh, jun...ly... Uary...ember...arch...

Thirtee...ieth?

No, michael, it's april 3.

I can't believe you! How could you not get that?!

Oh, april 3rd.

Okay, so we got one.

No, we didn't.

I don't understand this.

I really don't even understand this.

I'm feeling this really weird energy over in this area.

Why don't someone else go so we can feng shui the room again?

I'll go.

Go ahead, baby. Let's show them how it's done.

Oh, yes!

How much time did I do when I beat up that meter maid?

Oh, let's see, that's an easy one.

Let's see, that was -- that was the third time that month.

You beat her with that meter.

[ Both laugh ]

That was 30 days.

[ Laughs ] I guess I was too busy picking up the change.

Well, in any event, you got the question wrong,

So now it's our turn.

All right.

What do I cook better than anything else?

That's a trick question because you don't cook anything good.

Tony!

Good answer.

Uh, okay, well, it's either boiled water or ice.

And your ice is kind of always runny,

So I'm gonna go with steam.

Steam, yes, good answer, good answer.

Good answer.

My best dish

Is peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.

I made you one yesterday.

Is that what that was?

I thought that was tuna.

Shut up!

I'm sorry. Thought it was tuna.

Kady: our turn, franklin.

Which one of the powerpuff girls --

Oh, lord, lord, lordy, lord.

Which one of the powerpuff girls is my favorite?

Barney?

Barney's not a girl.

Is it pinky?

No.

Wait -- trixie?

No.

Twinkie? Lucky? Sticky?

No, no, no, no, no!

Three strikes, and you're out.

It's our turn. Let's show them how it's done.

All for you, baby. Fire away.

Come on, junior.

All right.

What is my favorite yogurt flavor?

Oh, mm-hmm, yeah.

Seven.

Seven?

[ Laughs ]

No, the answer is strawberry.

Damn! Only missed it by one.

Ow!

Well, this is fun, huh?

Let's just start round two,

And this time you better get this one right.

Yes, ma'am.

This is the last one.

Let's see if you can redeem yourself

On behalf of your entire gender.

Come on, do it for us.

This time, I'm not gonna use the telepathy thing

Because you're throwing my energy off.

I'm just gonna go with my gut, what I know in here.

Fine. Just get it right.

Ow!

Michael, what is my dress size?

[ Laughs ] that's easy.

[ Laughs ]

I got this one.

You got it? That's right.

I've had my hands on that body for the past 20 years.

All right, the answer to your question

Is your dress size is a six...

Yeah, dad! Yeah, dad!

...teen!

[ Shrieks ] a 16?!

That's small.

My neck size is only 16.

Do I look like a 16 to you?!

Ow!

[ Women screaming ]

I said "16."

[ Whistling ]

What?

Why is everyone looking at me like this?

I feel such negative energy over he--

Just everywhere.

You had to play that stupid game.

Yeah, it was your idea, and now they're all mad at us.

We should've played "what don't you know?" We could've won that.

Look, guys, look, look, this is a minor setback, okay?

They're women, so they're having an emotional reaction.

That's what women do. They get emotional.

[ Voice breaking ] I can't believe I lost claire!

How am I gonna get her back?!

Well, first you got to take your little g-string off

And man up.

I wear briefs.

[ Sobs ]

Look, there's a logical approach to fixing this.

All you have to do is go reason with them.

You better do something.

Before this game,

I thought jasmine was ready for some action.

She already had a half a box of wine in her.

Guys, guys, look, I can fix this, okay?

I'm the female repairman.

You better be

Because I'm gonna be cuddling with somebody tonight.

And if it ain't jasmine...

Ew!

Ew!

Can you believe that man said I wore a size 16?

A size 16?

Do you know what a size 16 looks like on little, old me?

A circus tent with arm holes!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Can you believe a man

Wouldn't know how much time his wife spent in jail?

Yeah, that's unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

What's more unbelievable

Is that none of them know anything about us.

I hate men.

Yeah, except michael jordan.

And justin timberlake.

And the rock.

And bow wow.

And ike turner.

What?

All I know is I've never been so angry, so hurt,

So disgusted in all my entire life!

Hello, ladies.

Together: get out!

Boy, I am sensing a lot of negativity and hostility

In this building.

I know you guys are angry, hurt, and disgusted

Probably more than you've ever been in your entire lives,

But I am here to make this situation right.

Together: get out! Oh, negativity.

Even down here, I feel negative energy.

Michael, there is nothing you could say to take this back.

You don't know me.

In fact, none of you know any of us.

Okay, fine, but do you know what?

We haven't finished playing that game,

So how do we know that y'all know anything about us?

He does have a point.

It's true. We never had our turn.

You're gonna just turn -- okay.

All right, michael.

You just gonna make it worse

'Cause we couldn't possibly know less about you

Than you know about us because you know nothing.

Only one way to find out.

The game is in there, ladies.

Calvin: [ laughs ] here we go.

If I was gonna try to take the starter off my engine,

What wrench would I use? [ Laughs ]

The wrong wrench.

Then you'd get mad, throw it at the engine.

It'd bounce off, hit you in the head.

You'd come crying to me as always.

Technically she's right, mike.

No, she's wrong.

The answer was monkey wrench.

All right, tony. You're up.

Okay.

Claire, what is my favorite hymn?

Alfonso ribeiro from "the fresh prince"?

No, he's great...

But I didn't mean h-i-m.

I meant h-y-m-n.

Okay, uh, those are church songs, right?

Right.

All right, um...

"Hail mary," by tupac?

[ Sighs ] no.

"Shall we gather by the river?"

Okay.

Well, well, it looks like not knowing about your mates

Is not just a male thing.

Franklin, you're up.

Our turn, my love.

Just read the question, nerd.

Who is my favorite composer?

Oh, I know this one.

It's... ♪ Dum-dum-dum dum ♪

Me?

No, not you.

Oh.

You mean beethoven, my dear?

Yeah, that's the guy.

Wrong. Teddy riley and the new jack swing.

Yup, yup!

Ooh, that one hurt.

Yup, yup!

All right, son. Your turn.

Don't let us down.

Oh, I won't, of course.

Okay, vanessa.

If porky pig and daffy duck got into a fight,

Who would win?

The questions are supposed to be about you.

All right, I shall rephrase.

If porky pig and daffy duck got into a fight over me,

Who would win?

[ Laughs ]

All right, that's creepy,

But, uh -- I don't know -- porky pig?

Uh, n-n-n-n-n-n-no!

[ Laughs ]

'Cause, see, daffy duck can duck,

And porky pig is too fat to be quick enough

To beat a ducking duck.

All right, I was wrong.

Yes, you were.

Well, it looks like it's down to you and me, jay boinski.

That's fine with me.

Because there isn't anything I don't know about you.

We'll see, shall we? We'll see.

The question is, on what date did I first realize

That I was losing my hair?

[ Imitating clock ticking ]

Um...

You must know this one.

Vanessa: jay, come on.

That's a stupid question!

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm feeling some very weird vibes and energy

Coming from this way.

Let me point out that this is a very important date to any man

Who has experienced a loss of follicles.

Amen!

Let me help you out.

Let me throw you a little telepathy.

Give me the date.

Jun...ly...uary...arch... Sept... Ob...uary...

May...pril nine...ieth...teen?

Wrong!

[ Laughs ]

November 18, 1982.

[ Laughs ]

See, so you don't know everything about me.

I guess so.

So, are we forgiven?

I forgive you, franklin.

I forgive you, junior.

I forgive you, tony.

I forgive you, cal-cal.

[ Laughs ]

Jay?

Um, wait.

I have one more question to ask you.

Go ahead, ask it.

Okay. Do you think I should forgive you?

Yes.

Wrong again.

Ow!

Ooh.

I don't understand it.

Everyone else got forgiven, including franklin,

But you can't forgive me.

Why is that?

Because it kills me to know

That the man that I love doesn't really know me.

Look, just because I don't know the exact date we met

Or your dress size or -- what's the other one?

My mother's name.

Yeah, that.

I've been calling her creature for the past 18 years.

I forgot.

Look, that doesn't mean that I don't know you.

It just kills me

That you could know everything there is to know

About basketball, football, golf,

But when it comes to your wife, you have momentary lapses.

Fine, but give me credit for the things I do know.

Like what?

I know that you cry when you see a beautiful sunset.

And I know that you twist your hair when you're nervous.

And I know how you feel in my arms when we dance together.

I know all the important things.

Can you please forgive me?

Yeah, I can forgive you,

But I still have one more question.

Okay, I'll try to answer it.

Okay.

Who do I love more than anybody else in the entire world?

[ Laughs ]

Would that be me?

[ Laughs ]

Yes.

You finally got one right.

[ Laughs ]

The name of the game that I want to play is

"What do you know?"

And I said "about what?"

[ Laughs ]