Original subtitles

Hey, baby, you like my skirt?

Ooh, I love it! It is you!

The color is just fabulous.

Oh, you like the color? Yeah.

Red looks good on me.

Yes, it does. Ha!

I'm not even wearing red, michael!

Come on, you didn't even look.

I don't have to, and I'm gonna tell you why.

Because you are so beautiful that anything you put on

Is magically transformed into a work of art.

Oh, stop it. You don't care!

I do care. Ow, that hurt.

I care deeply.

Liar!

Hey, look who's here.

Rachel, how are you doing?

You don't care!

Of course I care, sweetie.

Don't patronize me!

No, I really do care. I want to know what's going on.

My grandmother's sick. Do want to hear about that?!

Well, i-i don't want you to have to talk about difficult things.

See, told you you didn't care.

But of course I do, sugar.

Sugar?! There's nothing sweet about me!

You're just a phony!

I'm not a phony. Look, I'm being very sincere.

This is my sincere face.

Now, go ahead and tell me about your dear, sick granny.

She's got the flu.

Mnh, mnh, mnh.

Well, that's not so bad.

It is when you've already got emphysema, osteoporosis,

And a broken hip!

One sneeze and she could blow herself apart!

You're right. There's nothing sweet about you.

Told ya.

Hey, you guys, what you up to?

We're going to my room to play dolls.

Have fun, and when franklin comes, I'll send him right up.

Don't. Today I'm playing with rachel.

Okay. Hi, rachel.

All right.

Hi, guys. Bye, guys.

Hey, hey, where you off to?

[ Sighs ] you don't care!

What is wrong with the women in this house?

Of course I care!

Now, tell me where you're going.

The mall. I don't care about that.

Michael!

You gonna hang out with some friends?

This agency's having a modeling search there,

And I thought I'd go audition.

Ah...

No.

Why are you "ah, no'ing" me?

Because I'm not letting you go to some modeling competition.

Why?! Those agencies don't care about you.

They look at you as a piece of meat.

As long as you live in my house, you can't do it.

But you look very nice in that outfit.

Argh! Michael, michael, michael, michael.

What?

Michael, why do you treat her like that?

Because I care.

Sweetie, she is almost --

Don't patronize me.

What are you talking about, sugar?

Look, she is almost an adult, michael.

It's time for her to start making decisions about her future.

And besides, she is very pretty.

I know. She gets it from me, duh!

Modeling might be a great career for her.

Jay, it's a seductive lifestyle, okay?

The girl is not smart enough to handle the temptation

That comes with it -- she's naive.

I have faith in her, and I say she should go.

Well, I say she shouldn't. I forbid it...

Sugar.

Ugh!

Mmm! Mmm!

Whoa, that looks good! What is it?

My sandwich. So where's mine?

You know what? It's scattered all around.

The bread is here. Lunch meat is in the fridge.

Pickles on the counter. Silverware in the drawer. Knock yourself out.

I got to make it myself?

Yep!

So this is about claire, fine.

You know what? I'll make it myself, jay.

This is gonna be the best sandwich ever made

In the history of sandwiches.

You're gonna be jealous of it. You know why?

Because poets will write odes to my sandwich.

"Salami or bologna,

That is the question."

Italians will write operas about this sandwich.

♪ He's got a sandwich ♪

♪ What's that? A sandwich ♪

♪ Oh, oh, s-a-andwich! ♪

There's gonna be fireworks and a movie deal.

Sidney poitier is gonna play me as a lunch meat.

Hi, dad. What do you want?

You don't care! You're right.

I'm gonna make you care because I know something

That you'd want to know, but you don't know.

Now do you care? No.

Well, what if I told you that a certain someone

Was going to a certain someplace to do a certain something

That another certain someone

Forbade the first certain someone from doing, huh?

You mean claire's going to the mall

Despite the fact that I forbid her not to go?

Wow, that's creepy, dad!

You got that "beautiful mind" thing working right now.

Hmm, what?

Ow!

Michael, michael, michael, where are you going?!

To the mall to drag that girl back here.

Michael, don't get too crazy about this.

I'm not getting too crazy. I'm getting crazy enough.

[ Sighs ]

[ French accent ] okay, number 1,726, please.

Yes, show me your walk.

Enough, enough.

No. Very nice walk.

Now take it out of the building, all the way to your car.

Go on.

Okay, number 1,727, please.

That's me! That's me! That's me! That's me!

Okay, me, now, calm down.

Your age? 17.

Your best years are behind you.

Okay, now, do you eat? Of course.

You're going to have to stop that.

Do you drink? Do you smoke? No!

You're going to have to start that.

[ Laughs ]

So, now, show me your walk.

Okay.

Oy! [ Laughs ]

Ohh! Ohh!

Hey, what do you think, you're a floor model?

Daddy, I can't believe you actually came here!

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about you, claire.

Is this your father?

Unfortunately.

I'm vaneska. Nice to meet you.

I was just auditioning your daughter.

Look, I know your angle, miss one-name, okay?

You fill these kids' heads

With promises of fame and glory because they're naive,

And they don't know that they're being duped by a sham.

You have beautiful hands.

Hey, you know what?

Don't change the subject because I know --

Really?

May i?

Sure.

[ Gasps ] oh, oh!

Look at the knuckles. Oh!

Comes across, five of them. Oh!

Your hands are perfect!

Oh, come on, I don't know about perfect.

I mean, they're nice, certainly for a guy especially.

But, I mean, perfect? That's a powerful word.

I only use that to describe the aerodynamic shape of my head.

[ Both laugh ]

I mean, I do take care of them,

Lots of lotions and creams and such.

I can tell. I can tell.

Listen, have you ever considered being a hand model?

A and what model?

A hand model,

A model that exclusively features their hands.

No, come on! Yeah!

You know that presenting products in advertisement

Can be very lucrative.

Well, I never thought of that,

Although presenting things comes quite natural for me.

[ Both laugh ]

Look at you!

You know, you hold that can just like a professional.

Oh, stop it.

Hello. I'm standing here.

Talk to the hand.

You know,

I think that I can get work for you right away.

Me?!

No, your father. No, your father.

I'm going to call you because you are so natural.

Why, thank you! You do that.

See that one?

It's so beautiful, really, the way you do things.

Graceful!

Wait, so let me understand this.

You get to model, and I don't?

That's right.

Why?!

Because I didn't disobey my father.

Now, let's go home.

That way. Argh!

Watch out. Hands coming through.

Nice. Whoop, there you go.

Whoop, there you go.

It's bewildering.

Kady acts as if I don't exist.

All she wants to do is spend her days with "rachel."

Sometimes women just like to congregate together

And just talk.

About what? About nothing.

But they talk about nothing from every angle.

Do they ever realize that it's nothing?

Nope.

Look, let me tell you about women.

I'm all ears.

Oh, don't say that about yourself.

True, they are a little big, but you're not all ears.

Thanks, junior, and you're not all head.

Really?!

Yes, you are.

Now, as you were saying?

As I was saying,

Sometimes women like to be around other women

So they can all be sensitive together.

Interesting.

Like a blind man in the desert stumbling upon a water hole,

You seem to have stumbled across a good point

In the barren wasteland you call a mind.

Thank you.

Perhaps I should get more in touch

With my feminine side.

Hmm... Hmm...

Hey, you two.

How'd it go?

Argh!

Uh-oh.

What did you do?

I didn't do nothing.

I walked into the mall,

And I had models, scouts all over me, jay.

Michael, see, I told you claire is a beautiful girl!

Claire? Plain, old claire?

I'm sorry. News flash --

Claire is not the beauty in this family.

These are the beauties in the family, jay.

What are you talking about?

Come on, look at them, jay.

You know these hands.

They've touched you before,

But have you ever really took the time to notice them, huh?

Feel the perfect palm, huh? [ Laughs ]

Look at the dexterity of the digits.

These are fabulous fingers. Stop!

[ Laughs ]

Don't touch the hand.

She doesn't know. She don't know.

What are you --

These hands are my doorway to riches --

Watch the hands --

And fame.

Can you please get to the point?

The point, which she also liked,

Is simple.

Your husband, michael richard kyle,

Is going to be a hand model.

I just got a call from my agent on my way here.

I shoot my first commercial next week.

[ Laughs ] isn't that great?!

Oh, that's great, honey.

[ Laughing ]

Dad, could you pass the potatoes, please?

Are you trying to sabotage my hands?

No, I'm trying to eat potatoes.

You can get them yourself

With those ugly monkey paws of yours.

Hey, is that a blister?

Where?! Right there!

Ha! Got ya!

No, your hand!

You're right. Kady, will you help your daddy?

Ow! Thank you.

That's not fair!

I think your hands are ugly.

That's because you're a silly, little girl with no taste.

I'll have you know these hands are soon to be seen

On advertisements around the world.

Well, I hope you're modeling gloves

Because those hands are creepy.

Why don't you go home and see

If your grandma sneezed and blew her hip off?

You're a mean man.

And you're a hand hater.

Kady, I'll be upstairs.

It's that way.

I hate this! You're such a hypocrite!

Don't be jealous, okay?

Jealousy is not an attractive emotion.

Argh!

What's wrong with her?

Michael, of all the absurd things that you have ever done,

This has got to be the dumbest!

Dumb?

I'm about to shoot my first commercial.

This can be big things for us --

A house on the beach, private jets.

The sky...is the limit.

Michael!

Being a hand model doesn't pay enough to buy a private jet!

Tell that to the thing on "the addams family."

He's got three homes and a boat just for doing this.

I mean, besides,

These hands are just a gateway...

To this!

Once they get a look at this kisser,

They're gonna want the rest of the package.

Come on. Support me.

Cut my meat for me.

Cut your own meat!

You're just jealous because I have perfectly formed hands,

And you got stuck with those five little sausages

On a piece of ham.

You know what? What?

You keep it up here,

And you're gonna get to know your fingers really well!

Thanks for playing with me today, kady.

No problem. Rachel was busy.

Ah, rachel, should we talk about her?

I don't think so.

Would you like to watch soap operas

Or perhaps this olsen twins movie I got?

Not really.

Then how about we just thumb through this bride's magazine

Till we cry?

No.

Oh, look, oprah's on,

And I think she has barbra streisand!

You know how I love me some babs!

♪ Papa ♪

Forget oprah.

Let's just color.

Excellent.

Let's color rainbows and butterflies and unicorns

And then talk about how much we like horses

And who's the cutest member of 'nsync.

Franklin, are you gay?

Of course not!

I'm all man, through and through!

Then why are you acting like a girl?

Because I'm trying to get more in touch with my feminine side,

So I don't lose you to rachel.

You're not gonna lose me to rachel.

I just like spending some time with her

And some with you.

Well, lately it seems to be lopsided.

I think rachel's plotting to take you away from me.

If you have a problem with her,

Why don't you take it up with her?

An excellent suggestion.

Indeed I will.

[ Laughs evilly ]

Man: just step over here.

Over here? Great.

Then what you do is you extend your hands

In front of the black velvet like this, okay?

Then you turn them over once or twice after I say action.

Simple. Excellent.

Easy as pie. Okay, great.

And --

Could I have a second just to get into character?

Sure. Thank you.

Aah!

Okay, the hands are ready now, sir.

Excellent.

And action!

Shh!

Shh...ha!

Shh...ha!

Shh! Shh!

Shh! Shh!

Cut!

How was that?

Well, you, uh,

You inadvertently let you head drop into the frame.

Oh, you saw that?

Yeah, we did, okay?

We just need the hands. Let's try again.

I can do that. Great.

And --

Okay, the hands are ready, sir.

All good? They're all warmed up.

And action!

[ Imitating bombs dropping ]

Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle.

[ Whistles ]

Cut!

Cut, mr. Kyle.

Mr. Kyle?

Yes, mr. Spielberg.

That's a little j-- oops!

Uh, couldn't help but notice

That we saw the face again, remember?

I just need to see the hands.

I'm throwing the face in for free.

We'll pay you extra to keep it out.

Well, i-i-i thought maybe the public, you know,

The fans are gonna want to know the man behind the hands,

So I figured I'd just throw that in there free.

Okay, you want to put your face in the shot?

I'd love to. You would?

Then put your face in the shot as much as you like.

Now that's a director. Spoken like a true director!

Excellent, thank you!

John landis has nothing on you, man!

Good.

And action!

[ Imitating wind blowing ]

Put the feet in there, too.

You wanted to see me, schroeder?

Oh, a hilarious spin on my penchant for piano playing

By comparing me to a fictional character

In the "peanuts" universe.

Boy, I never grow tired of that one.

What do you want?

Well, it seems that you and I find ourselves

Vying for kady's attention,

So I thought we'd meet on neutral ground

And see if we can't find an equitable solution.

Look, kady and I are friends.

I can't help it if she'd rather hang out with me

Than a piano-playing geek like you!

She only hangs out with you because you're available!

Now, how much would it take for you to become,

Shall we say...

Unavailable?

Are you trying to bribe me?

Ew, ew!

"Bribe" is such an ugly word.

I prefer to use the term "incentivise."

Well, it's not gonna work.

Kady is my best friend,

And no amount of money in this world will change that.

Oh, really?

Inside this piggy bank,

You'll find stock certificates for a company

That in one week will announce that they have patented a device

That can power automobiles using water instead of gasoline.

When that occurs, you'll be able to retire by the age of nine,

And all you have to do is stay away from kady.

Done!

I don't know, vaneska.

I don't know if I'm gonna let you handle

The right hand just yet.

Yeah, I want to see what you do with the lefty first.

All right, dear.

Yes, yes. Ciao.

Michael, who was that?

That was vaneska, my left-hand model agent.

You got to play hardball

If you're gonna get the best jobs.

I have to go in the kitchen

And put a little more milk in my gloves.

Call me when my commercial comes on.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, look, mr. Kyle's commercial!

[ Gasps ]

It's on?! Turn up the sound!

Turn up the sound! It's on!

Man on television: do you have girly hands? Because this man does.

Do women laugh at you

Because of your "fairy princess" hands?

Why continue to suffer like this loser?

Try "man hands."

It's the abrasive cream

That gives you the calluses of a full day's work

Without the labor.

Why have hands like this pansy,

When you can have hands like a "mansy"?

"Man hands"...

Available wherever manly products are sold.

Dad's got girly hands!

T-t-this is an outrage! I've been misrepresented!

I've been hoodwinked and bamboozled!

[ Sobbing ]

Hey, how was your shower, petunia?

Oh, it was, you know --

Did you just call me "petunia"?

No, michael, I would never say that, penelope.

All right, you know what? Laugh it up, jay!

That's a good one!

See how funny it is?

Michael, I'm sorry.

Now, I know you're embarrassed,

But actually I'm very glad that this happened.

Why -- I was hard to deal with as a hand model?

Look, you are a brilliant, wonderful man --

The love of my life. I know.

But you are not perfect, michael richard kyle.

You forget that you make mistakes,

And you gotta start letting your children make them, too.

This is about claire and her modeling?

I know your career...

Didn't come off...

The way that you would've liked it to.

[ Laughs ] but wait.

You have no idea what could happen to claire.

Yeah, and that's what scares me.

I know that, baby, and I love you for that.

Believe me.

But it's time to let claire explore the things

That she's interested in, michael.

You can't control her forever, daddy.

I guess you're right.

Modeling might be the best thing that ever happened to that girl.

You can't predict the future.

That's not true.

I can predict where these little, girly hands

Are gonna end up in about two minutes.

Oh, really?

Well, why don't you whisper it to me?

Ooh, I guess you can predict the future after all,

Bald-stradamus.

Careful. Watch the dermis.

Sorry, daddy.

Okay.

Mmm!

[ Chewing loudly ]