Original subtitles

Whew.

Hey, I thought this was a 3-day seminar you're going on.

It is.

Well, where's the third suitcase?

[ Snorting ] shut up, michael.

How's the coffee I made you?

Awful, as always.

Good.

Then you won't miss it when I'm gone.

Of course I'll miss it.

I miss everything about you --

The bad coffee, the runny eggs, the smelly feet --

No, that's me.

Michael, god.

I'm sorry. I'm just lashing out because you're going away.

I see.

What's the name of this stupid seminar

You're going on again?

"The role of wife and mother in modern-day society."

Let me guess this straight --

You're abandoning your role as the wife and mother

To learn about how to be a better wife and mother? Yup.

In florida? Yup.

For three days? Yup, yup.

Look here, michael,

Don't try to spoil this for me, okay?

I have three whole days in the sun

Without cooking, cleaning, or taking care of anybody.

Don't you think I deserve that?

Don't you think I earned that, baby?

Yup, yup. Good.

And, besides, you guys are gonna be just fine.

I hired a housekeeper to take care of you while I'm gone.

And she's gonna be here tomorrow.

Her name is mrs. Hopkins.

Ms. Hopkins -- that sounds like a teacher.

She comes highly recommended.

Kids, come say good-bye to your mama!

Bye, mom. Bye, mom.

Ew, unh-unh! Come here.

I'm going away for three whole days.

All I get is a "bye, mama"?

I was just kidding.

Have a good trip. Bye.

Have fun on your trip, mom. Thank you.

I'm really gonna miss you, mom.

I'm gonna miss you guys, too, munchkin.

And what about you, baldy? Mm-mm.

You gonna miss me? No.

Gonna miss me? Mm-mm.

Gonna miss me? You sure?

You sure? You sure?

You sure? You sure?

You sure? [ Laughing ]

You know I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, between the two basketball games,

The big fight, and golf,

I'm just gonna be thinking about nothing but you.

Get off me. You are an awful person.

Move.

Well, I guess we'll just be here with ms. Hopkins, then.

Who knows?

She might even be as sexy as you.

Well, if she is sexy,

She's been sexy for about 75 years.

Work it out.

Work it out.

[ Sighs ]

What's the matter, dad?

There's something wrong with the cable or the tv.

I can either get picture without sound

Or sound without picture.

You better call somebody. The big game's on tomorrow.

I know.

You know, I think they do this on purpose.

I think they plant a device inside your tv

That they trigger right before a big game.

It's a conspiracy between the cable people

And the tv-repairman industry.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, it's kind of like when you're in your car, right?

You're driving, you're driving along,

And you get hungry.

Stomach's growling -- bam!

A fast-food place.

Now, where do they go when you're not hungry, huh?

Where do they go, dad?

I don't know,

But I wish you would go in the garage apartment

And figure that out with your pregnant girlfriend.

I would, but vanessa's at her folks' house today.

I'm supposed to go pick her up,

But something's wrong with my differential.

It seems to be slipping.

Yeah, well, we both need to call a mechanic, I guess.

You know, that's a conspiracy, too.

My car never breaks down... Unless I have to use it.

Is it breakfast time yet?

No. The maid's not here until 9:00.

It is 9:00.

Well, technically, it's 5 seconds till 9:00.

4...3...2...1.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Wow.

Hello. Mr. Kyle?

Yes. I'm your new maid.

Well, come on in, ms. Hopkins.

Oh, no, no, no!

We're not gonna have any of that.

You can call me by my first name, june.

June, well, welcome to our house.

I want you to meet my children.

This is my son, junior.

Hello. This is my daughter claire.

Hi.

And that's my other daughter kady.

Well, hello to you all.

Can you make me pancakes, please?

I can make you the best pancakes you've ever tasted.

What about you, young lady? What would you like?

A vegetarian omelet?

Coming right up -- peppers, onions, mushrooms?

Great.

Would you like egg whites only, egg substitute,

Or the real deal?

Well, the real deal, if it's not too much trouble.

Trouble?

Serving others is what makes me happy.

And what about you two gentlemen?

What would you like?

I like pancakes, too.

I bet you'd like some blueberries.

How'd you know?

Ha ha! I've got the eye.

I also happen to have some blueberries.

What about you, mr. Kyle?

Oh, no. I'll just have a cup of coffee.

I've got a really busy day today.

Are you sure I can't make you something?

A man shouldn't start the day without a hearty breakfast.

Well, if you're making blueberry pancakes...

Now you're talking.

And if you have a slice of honeyed ham around...

I just happen to have some in my bag.

You do?

Any sausage?

Turkey or pork? Turkey.

Link or patty? Link.

Well, lookee here.

Wow. You've got everything in that bag.

You don't get a second chance at a first impression,

Mr. Kyle.

Well, I better get busy.

Breakfast isn't gonna make itself.

She's so efficient.

Here's your coffee, mr. Kyle...

My own special blend.

Hey, the television is working.

Did you fix that, franklin?

No. Of course, I could have,

But somebody beat me to it.

Did kady fix it?

[ Laughing ] no, kady can't even set up a lawn chair.

[ Laughing ] oh!

Hey!

Just kidding, my love.

Hello, mr. Kyle. Hi, june.

I hope you don't mind. I took the liberty

Of recalibrating the diode panel on your monitor.

The -- the what?

I fixed your tv.

I had a couple of tools in my bag.

Why, thank you.

And where did you learn how to do that?

Oh, my first husband -- god rest his soul --

Was a tv repairman.

That's amazing.

And what is that delicious smell I'm smelling?

Peach cobbler.

Peach cobbler -- I love peach cobbler.

I've got the eye.

It's especially good when you're watching a game.

Oh, yeah, and there's a great game on today.

Oh, I know -- cleveland versus philadelphia --

Lebron james versus allen iverson.

Between the two of them,

They have a combined per game average of 47.6.

You're a basketball fan?

Oh, I love me my b-ball.

Oh. My first cobbler --

The peaches came off of dr. Naismith's tree.

You knew the man who invented basketball?

Oh, well, I don't like to brag.

I took the last peach out of the big straw basket.

He was throwing this medicine ball around like a moron,

So I said, "hey, why don't you

Try to throw that thing in here?"

Wow.

Hey, my car is fixed.

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

I had a few minutes while the cobbler was cooking,

So I fixed your differential.

What?

And I rotated your tires.

Oh, wow! Thanks, june!

Oh, don't mention it.

Now, it may still pull a little to the left,

But just put some air in the tire.

You seem to be an extremely learned woman.

Oh, no, I barely got out of grade school.

Oh, so then you don't have an opinion

On, say, quantum dynamics?

I never did learn much about it.

But now that it's been obviated by string theory,

I really don't see much point.

I think you met your match. I think you met your match.

We'll see.

Perhaps you'd like to play a little game of chess?

Sure thing. Come on in the kitchen.

I'll play you while I'm cleaning the oven.

I think you'll find

You need to keep your eye on the board while playing me.

Oh, I can picture the board in my head.

[ Chuckles ] oh, by the way...

[ Piano music plays ]

Did you hear that?

What?

Your "c" major is a quarter tone off.

All: wo-o-o-o-w!

Come on, frankenfinkle, show us your stuff.

Queen to rook 3.

Checkmate.

Where?

Pawn takes rook, revealing the bishop.

Darn!

Oh, you did good, though, honey.

Don't hang your head.

This is inexplicable. I have to go home and study.

Well, june, I can honestly say

That we really enjoyed having you here.

May I ask you a question?

Sure, baby.

Are you real, or are you like mary poppins?

[ Laughs ]

Hey, claire, I thought we had an agreement

You weren't supposed to buy any new clothes.

I didn't buy it.

June made it for me this morning.

You made her an entire outfit?

Oh, no big deal. I had some rags in my bag.

By the way,

I don't know whether you're a betting man or not,

But in tonight's game,

My advice would be to take cleveland and the points.

My sources tell me

That allen had himself quite an evening last night.

[ Slurps ]

Now I'm gonna go to the store

And get the fixings for my signature dessert --

Homemade ice cream.

Wow, can we have that on hot apple pie?

Is there any other way?

All: wo-o-o-w!

Mmm.

Oh! Oh, my god!

Mm-mmm!

Huh?

This is so good!

No, this is so, so, sooo good!

Mm-hmm!

Who'd like a nice big dollop of homemade whipped cream?

Me, me, me! Me, me, me, me!

Surprise!

I'm home early

'Cause I couldn't wait to come home and see my family!

All: wow.

Well, you must be jay. I'm june hopkins.

Hi, ms. Hopkins.

It looks like your cooking's a big hit around here.

Oh, jay, taste this.

No, michael, that looks fattening.

No, you gotta. You gotta! No, babe, no!

Tell her she's gotta.

You gotta.

It's not fattening the way I make it --

No carbs, no sugars, no guilt.

Okay, no carbs.

Hmm? Mmm!

Huh? It's delicious!

No, no.

Well, now that you're home early,

I guess you won't be needing me anymore.

All: no, no, don't leave!

Don't ever leave.

You can stay and sleep in my bed if you'd like.

I mean, if it's okay with you, hon.

Well, I guess I do have a lot of work to do and school.

She's got tons of schoolwork to do,

And I got work to do down at the job,

So maybe -- listen, maybe tomorrow you could come in

Just a little earlier and maybe leave a little later, please.

It's not a problem.

Breakfast will be on the table when you wake up.

Yeah! Isn't that great?

Yeah, that's great! Yeah, that's great!

Isn't that great, honey?

Yeah, it's great.

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

Bye. Good night.

Good night!

You're blocking june.

And the most interesting class was the one on human symbiosis

And the vicissitude of individuation!

It was fascinating stuff, you guys!

Yeah.

Fascinating, huh?

Yeah, wonderful. Yeah, it was great.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, okay.

Well, it seems like june --

June?! She's here?!

I-i didn't say she was h-- she's not here.

I was just saying --

I was trying to say that, you know,

I think she made this house look really neat.

Neat? It's immaculate. Look at this.

Try it.

No.

Just try it. Here.

No, I don't want any. I don't want any.

I mean, it looks fresh and everything.

The house looks very fresh.

Well, it ought to be. She repainted the whole thing.

And she made me five new outfits.

She rotated my tires and shrunk my gap.

She even beat franklin at a couple of games of chess.

And played the piano better than him.

She sounds like quite a find.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, this is for you.

[ Gasps ] michael!

This is -- oh, this is so sweet!

Thank you!

Oh, don't thank me. June made it.

June? She's upstairs? June?

Where? Don't tease me! Don't tease me like that!

You said it!

Come on, guys. This is a cashmere sweater.

No one can make a cashmere sweater all by themselves.

June did.

And made it with her feet.

While writing this book about us.

Plus, the cashmere came from her own goats.

And she chopped down the tree

And made the box from the wood pulp.

Wow.

That's exactly what we say about her when she leaves.

All: wo-o-o-w!

Good morning. Good morning.

Taking a little break?

I'm just waiting for a need to arise.

Everything's done.

Everything?

Everything I can think of.

You fed the kids? Done.

Laundry? Done.

Ironing? Done.

I was thinking of rewiring the refrigerator. Done.

Clean the gutters? Done.

How about my breakfast? Done.

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha!

How do you know it's done if you don't know what I want?

You know, you're right, jay. What do you want?

I want eggs benedict and hollandaise sauce

With some canadian bacon.

Done.

What kind of foolish --

How did -- how did you do --

There you go.

Oh, my lord.

Do you know why they call it canadian bacon?

No, june, I don't know that.

Well, I'll tell you.

My second husband, god rest his soul, was a mountie.

Well, how long was he a mountie?

About 10 minutes a day.

But, seriously, he loved breakfast meat.

So when we were living in saskatoon,

And he had a hankering for bacon,

I would whip up a pork roast

And just slice it as thin as I could.

Next thing you know,

People started calling it canadian bacon.

Wow.

So, I understand you're quite a cook, mrs. Kyle.

Oh, well, you know, I don't like to brag,

But I do have a few select dishes that are pretty good

If I do say so myself.

And I'll bet I know the thing you like to make most.

Peach cobbler.

How do you know that?

I've got the eye.

And my third husband, god rest his soul, was a cobbler.

Wait a minute.

Are you trying to tell me

That you also invented peach cobbler?

No, it wasn't an invention.

Oh.

It was more like a discovery.

I did invent soup, though.

Why don't I make some for lunch,

And you make a peach cobbler?

Hey, you're on.

[ Chuckles ]

June, this is the most delicious soup I've ever tasted.

Me too!

Well, I've been working on it for quite a while.

Thank you.

Well, save some room for mommy's cobbler.

Oh, boy!

Can't wait!

Use those spoons.

[ Laughs ]

This ain't right, mama.

Boy, what you mean it's not right?!

All up in here -- mnh-mnh.

Something's missing.

Something's missing all up in here.

Michael, this is how I always make mommy's cobbler!

This is mommy's cobbler!

It's not better than mrs. Hopkins' cobbler.

Nope. Can't touch hopkins'.

Oh, I'm sure it's as good as mine.

Taste it.

Mnh. This ain't right.

All up in here, huh?

All up in here. Mm-hmm.

Something's missing.

I know what it is.

Try it now.

Yup. Yup, that's it.

All: all up in there.

Michael: that's the way your cobbler's

Supposed to taste, jay.

Here. Taste that.

Yeah, well, we'll just see --

[ Muffled ] oh, my god. All up in here.

It's delicious!

Ms. Hopkins, what you put up in there?

Now, I can't give away all my secrets.

All: wo-o-o-o-w!

So how do you like having a maid?

Oh, I love it. She's amazing.

I mean, she even made my cobbler better.

What's not to love?

Yeah, and you know what the great thing is?

You don't have to do no more of that grunt work

You used to always complain about.

Ugh! The cooking and the cleaning

And the waiting on people.

And the nurturing and doing the hair. Ugh! Blah!

And the homework.

Now you're free to do nothing. Nothing!

Nothing. We don't need you for nothing.

You don't need me. I can just lay back and do...

Nothing. Nothing.

Hey, sit down. You sit down.

We don't need you...

Nothing.

For nothing!

[ Laughs ] nothing.

You hate it, don't you? Oh, god, I hate it.

Michael, I have no purpose, baby.

I went away to learn how to better help my family,

And now I come back --

My family doesn't even need my help!

Oh, baby that's not true. Yes, it is!

There's still stuff you could do for us.

Like what, michael? Name it.

Well, you can clean out the gutters in the morning.

June did it.

You could rewire the refrigerator. June did it.

You could chop some wood. June.

June.

June.

June.

You're right.

We'll have a family meeting in the morning, okay?

Thank you.

[ Mumbling ]

Okay.

Guys, your mother and I have been talking,

And it seems that

A lot of the things that june used to do for us

Are things that your mother loved doing for us.

So we've decided that we're gonna let her go.

All: yay!

Yay?

What do you guys mean "yay"?

I thought you'd be upset.

Nah, june was nice, but her cookies were too perfect.

"Too perfect" -- what do you mean by that?

Well, mom always burnt the bottom of the cookies,

And I like that.

Thanks, I think.

Yeah, it's the same thing with pancakes.

I mean, june's are great, but they're always great.

Sometimes with mom's,

You get a secret batter ball in the middle.

Yeah, a secret batter ball -- I love those!

Poh! Yeah!

You like the batter ball?

Yeah. Poh!

Absolutely.

Okay, so here's the deal.

As much as we all love june, and we love june...

Yeah.

Okay, you're breaking down on me.

We're gonna have to let her go when she gets here.

Right. Yeah.

Okay, kady, you do the firing.

Why me, daddy?

Because you're the littlest and you're the cutest.

But look at me, daddy.

I'm going through that awkward adolescent stage.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. True, true.

She'll see right through that.

Okay, then I'm gonna have to fire her.

Good morning, lovely people.

Good morning. Good morning.

Listen, june, I really need to talk to you.

Let me go first, mr. Kyle. My work here is done.

You're quitting?

No, I'm finished.

I don't think you need my services here anymore,

So I'm moving off to another family.

Well, we're certainly gonna miss you.

That's right.

Oh, and I'm gonna miss all of you,

But you're gonna be just fine because you have each other.

Even you, kady,

Although you're going through

That awkward adolescent stage now, darling.

Oh, oh, oh, could you make one more batch of pancakes

Before you go?

No, I think you should let batter ball here make them.

Bye.

All: bye.

How did she know about the batter ball?

[ Crying ] I don't know.

I just saw something that defies logic!

What?

I just saw mrs. Hopkins [swallows]

Flying over the house

With an [swallows] umbrella in her hand.

And then, she disappeared into the sky.

All: wo-o-o-w.

Try it now.

Yup. Right there.

That's it. That's it! All up in there.

See, that's the way your cobbler's

Supposed to taste, june. Yeah.

[Laughter]

June?

[ Laughs ]

We'll loop "jay."

Gee, try to get it right, will you, damon?

[ Laughter ]