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1
00:00:03,084 --> 00:00:06,006
Man on tv: oh, my goodness,
what an exciting game!
2
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,090
Lebron james has 35 points
in the first half!
3
00:00:09,090 --> 00:00:12,012
He could be going
for an nba record!
4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,594
Sports rule!
5
00:00:13,594 --> 00:00:15,476
Oh, boy, what a game!
6
00:00:15,476 --> 00:00:17,058
[ Laughs ]
7
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:19,019
I'm glad I'm recording this one.
8
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,232
Wait, I got to make sure
I'm recording it.
9
00:00:21,232 --> 00:00:22,853
Daddy,
I was wondering if --
10
00:00:24,145 --> 00:00:26,527
I'm busy.
I'm watching the game.
11
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,739
I hate basketball season!
12
00:00:28,739 --> 00:00:31,031
Yeah, well, I hate
"rolie polie olie" and "barney"
13
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,033
And all that other stupid stuff
you make me watch,
14
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,865
But I supported you.
15
00:00:34,865 --> 00:00:36,247
Big deal.
16
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,832
Let me see
if I'm recording this thing.
17
00:00:41,832 --> 00:00:44,165
Oh, my goodness,
what an exciting game!
18
00:00:44,165 --> 00:00:47,588
Lebron james has 35 points
in the first half!
19
00:00:47,588 --> 00:00:50,551
He could be going
for an nba record!
20
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,843
An nba record in one game.
[ Laughs ]
21
00:00:52,843 --> 00:00:55,636
Jay: michael, look!
Kady took her first step!
22
00:00:55,636 --> 00:00:58,179
I'm so glad
we caught this on tape!
23
00:00:58,179 --> 00:01:01,442
We're gonna have it
forever, right?
24
00:01:01,442 --> 00:01:04,565
Oh...my god,
what did I record?!
25
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:08,449
"Baby's first time"?
26
00:01:08,449 --> 00:01:11,282
These are kady's first steps!
Jay's gonna kill me!
27
00:01:11,282 --> 00:01:12,903
Hey, dad.
What are you doing?
28
00:01:12,903 --> 00:01:14,155
Nothing.
29
00:01:14,155 --> 00:01:15,996
Why? What are you doing?
30
00:01:15,996 --> 00:01:18,159
Uh, I'm just walking
into the room.
31
00:01:18,159 --> 00:01:19,750
What are you doing?
32
00:01:19,750 --> 00:01:22,203
Nothing.
I ain't erasing nothing.
33
00:01:23,794 --> 00:01:25,916
What are you doing with
that tape behind your back?
34
00:01:25,916 --> 00:01:28,169
What tape behind -- where do you
see a tape behind my back?
35
00:01:28,169 --> 00:01:30,090
You're crazy, boy.
36
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,092
There's only one kind
of videotape
37
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,135
People hide
when you come into a room,
38
00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:35,716
And that's porno.
39
00:01:35,716 --> 00:01:38,599
Boy, that's ridiculous!
I'm watching a basketball game.
40
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,100
Right.
Now, come on, dad.
41
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,143
You're way too old
for this stuff.
42
00:01:42,143 --> 00:01:44,145
Don't they have some type
of cutoff date?
43
00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:47,148
Look, why would I
wanna watch porno
44
00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:49,490
When your mother's the only
woman I wanna see naked?
45
00:01:49,490 --> 00:01:51,232
[ Gasps ] ew!
46
00:01:51,232 --> 00:01:52,823
That's mom?!
47
00:01:52,823 --> 00:01:54,615
You watching
parent porn?!
48
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,237
Of course not!
49
00:01:56,237 --> 00:01:58,239
Let me see the tape.
Let me see, let me see.
50
00:01:58,239 --> 00:01:59,620
Aah!
Thank you.
51
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:02,002
"Baby's first time"?!
Oh, that is sick!
52
00:02:02,002 --> 00:02:04,084
The diapers,
the pacifiers?!
53
00:02:04,084 --> 00:02:06,126
Oh, get it out of my head!
It hurts, it hurts!
54
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,878
It hurts, it hurts,
it hurts!
55
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:08,879
Ow!
56
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:10,591
Did that help?
57
00:02:10,591 --> 00:02:12,303
A little bit.
58
00:02:12,303 --> 00:02:14,715
But don't worry, dad.
The secret is safe with me.
59
00:02:14,715 --> 00:02:16,637
I don't got no secret.
60
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,059
Right, like I don't have
a bunch of porno tapes
61
00:02:19,059 --> 00:02:21,061
That I watch
all the time.
62
00:02:21,061 --> 00:02:22,933
[ Laughs ] whoo!
63
00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:24,525
Did I say that out loud?
64
00:02:24,525 --> 00:02:27,318
Yes, you did, and I want you
to get rid of all those tapes.
65
00:02:27,318 --> 00:02:29,109
How about
I make you a deal?
66
00:02:29,109 --> 00:02:31,111
I keep my tapes,
and we just trade.
67
00:02:31,111 --> 00:02:33,113
You know,
I got some good stuff, dad.
68
00:02:33,113 --> 00:02:34,695
"Attack of the knockers,"
69
00:02:34,695 --> 00:02:37,157
"Now you see it,
now you don't."
70
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,739
"Dances with wolves."
71
00:02:38,739 --> 00:02:41,412
"Dances with wolves"
is not a porno.
72
00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:43,624
It is
when you freeze-frame.
73
00:02:43,624 --> 00:02:45,165
[ Laughs ]
74
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,958
Ow. That's
the second time, boy.
75
00:02:53,754 --> 00:02:55,175
You're such a good
little wrench.
76
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,298
Yes, you are.
You're so good at grabbing nuts.
77
00:02:57,298 --> 00:02:58,889
What are you doing?!
78
00:02:58,889 --> 00:03:00,891
Hey, hey, hey, I'm --
I'm, you know, I'm --
79
00:03:00,891 --> 00:03:02,393
What are you doing?
80
00:03:02,393 --> 00:03:05,185
I asked you first!
What are you doing?!
81
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,608
Oh, I was
polishing my tools.
82
00:03:07,608 --> 00:03:10,020
What are you doing?
83
00:03:10,020 --> 00:03:11,812
It's not about
what I'm doing.
84
00:03:11,812 --> 00:03:13,153
It's about what you did.
85
00:03:13,153 --> 00:03:15,366
Hey, I didn't do
anything...yet.
86
00:03:15,366 --> 00:03:17,117
Oh, really,
then what is this?
87
00:03:17,117 --> 00:03:18,989
Hey, you are not
gonna get me
88
00:03:18,989 --> 00:03:20,991
To say that
that's dad's porno tape.
89
00:03:20,991 --> 00:03:22,583
He and I have a deal.
90
00:03:22,583 --> 00:03:24,915
What are you --
this is not dad's porno tape.
91
00:03:24,915 --> 00:03:27,167
This is a tape
of kady's first baby steps.
92
00:03:27,167 --> 00:03:28,539
Really?
Yes!
93
00:03:28,539 --> 00:03:30,631
Then why did I have to throw
away all my porno tapes?
94
00:03:30,631 --> 00:03:33,504
Boy! So, you didn't tape
the basketball game over this?
95
00:03:33,504 --> 00:03:36,507
Me? No, you know
I can't work a vcr!
96
00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:38,759
If you didn't tape the
basketball game over this tape,
97
00:03:38,759 --> 00:03:40,551
Then your knucklehead father
did.
98
00:03:40,551 --> 00:03:42,182
Ooh.
Is dad in trouble?
99
00:03:42,182 --> 00:03:44,224
No, not if he confesses.
100
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,977
Well, we both know that dad
will never confess, so...
101
00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:50,271
[ Singsong voice ] dad's in
trouble, dad's in trouble.
102
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,942
No, no, no,
not necessarily.
103
00:03:51,942 --> 00:03:53,524
I'm giving him one chance
104
00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:55,656
And one chance only
to come clean.
105
00:03:57,658 --> 00:04:01,282
Oh, vanessa, I can't stand
being away from you.
106
00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:03,324
All weekend is just so long.
107
00:04:03,324 --> 00:04:07,418
Yeah, you have the baby to keep
you company, but who do I have?
108
00:04:07,418 --> 00:04:10,291
My dad made me throw away
all my porno...
109
00:04:11,131 --> 00:04:12,873
...cchio tapes.
110
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,717
Oh, I just miss you so much!
111
00:04:16,717 --> 00:04:18,719
I can't eat, I can't sleep...
112
00:04:18,719 --> 00:04:21,261
And I been blacking out
every day --
113
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,223
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
who are you talking to?
114
00:04:23,223 --> 00:04:25,055
[ Sniffles ] vanessa!
115
00:04:25,055 --> 00:04:26,477
What is wrong with you?!
116
00:04:26,477 --> 00:04:28,268
[ Crying ] I love you!
117
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,521
Hey, vanessa,
she'll call you back --
118
00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,733
I mean,
he'll call you back.
119
00:04:32,733 --> 00:04:34,525
What is wrong with you?!
120
00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:35,566
Huh?
121
00:04:35,566 --> 00:04:37,448
Don't you ever in your life
122
00:04:37,448 --> 00:04:39,239
Start crying
in front of your woman!
123
00:04:39,239 --> 00:04:40,821
They lose respect for you!
124
00:04:40,821 --> 00:04:42,613
You know
what you look like to her?
125
00:04:42,613 --> 00:04:44,034
This is you.
126
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:46,827
[ Sobbing ]
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
127
00:04:46,827 --> 00:04:48,409
[ Pops lips ]
snot bubble.
128
00:04:48,409 --> 00:04:51,542
I can't do nothing
without you!
129
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:54,294
[ Crying ]
130
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,377
What are you
crying about now?!
131
00:04:56,377 --> 00:04:58,258
You make it sound so sad!
132
00:04:58,258 --> 00:05:00,761
And I know it looks bad
to us guys,
133
00:05:00,761 --> 00:05:02,763
But vanessa's
always telling me to be...
134
00:05:02,763 --> 00:05:05,426
Sensitive, right?
Yeah, yeah.
How did you know?
135
00:05:05,426 --> 00:05:08,308
Do the words
"it's not you, baby, it's me.
136
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,271
I'm just too deep for you."
Do that sound familiar?
137
00:05:11,271 --> 00:05:14,194
Yeah,
I've heard that a lot.
When you're naked, right?
138
00:05:14,194 --> 00:05:16,607
Yeah, what does it mean?
Look, I know women, son.
139
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:18,489
This is how
they dominate you.
140
00:05:18,489 --> 00:05:20,401
They tell you they want you
to be sensitive,
141
00:05:20,401 --> 00:05:22,032
So when you try
to lay down the law,
142
00:05:22,032 --> 00:05:23,654
They throw it
back in your face.
143
00:05:23,654 --> 00:05:25,866
You try to tell them
to do something,
144
00:05:25,866 --> 00:05:27,868
They go, "oh, is this
the same little punk
145
00:05:27,868 --> 00:05:29,660
"That was snotting up
my blouse
146
00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:31,502
"When he was sniveling,
huh?
147
00:05:31,502 --> 00:05:34,294
Mr. 'I can't eat,
I can't sleep,
148
00:05:34,294 --> 00:05:36,667
I can't' --
[pops lips] snot bubble --
149
00:05:36,667 --> 00:05:38,879
'Do anything without you!'"
150
00:05:38,879 --> 00:05:41,382
You're saying that vanessa
doesn't want me to be sensitive?
151
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:42,883
Hell, no!
152
00:05:42,883 --> 00:05:44,885
She's probably on the phone
with her girlfriends,
153
00:05:44,885 --> 00:05:46,467
Laughing at you right now.
154
00:05:46,467 --> 00:05:48,889
Not my vanessa.
She would never, ever do that.
155
00:05:48,889 --> 00:05:50,391
[ Laughter ]
156
00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:52,393
And then she said
he was crying on the phone
157
00:05:52,393 --> 00:05:54,104
Because he missed her
so much.
158
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:55,526
Ahhhh!
159
00:05:55,526 --> 00:05:58,779
[ Laughing ] baby, you better
now that you got that out,
160
00:05:58,779 --> 00:06:01,361
My little
poodgie-woodgie-woodgie-woodgie?
161
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,033
You're so gay.
162
00:06:03,033 --> 00:06:04,695
[ Pops lips ]
163
00:06:04,695 --> 00:06:06,577
Hi, mommy,
hi, daddy, hi, claire.
164
00:06:06,577 --> 00:06:09,490
[ Singsong voice ]
hi, crybaby.
165
00:06:09,490 --> 00:06:12,122
Oh, you know what I wanna do
this weekend?
166
00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:13,794
I wanna have our annual
home-movie night.
167
00:06:13,794 --> 00:06:15,165
No!!
168
00:06:15,165 --> 00:06:17,418
I mean...no.
[ Laughs ]
169
00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:19,960
I mean, that's a bad idea.
170
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,342
Why is that, michael? Is there
something you wanna tell me?
171
00:06:22,342 --> 00:06:24,344
What would I wanna tell you?
Huh?
172
00:06:24,344 --> 00:06:26,056
[ Chuckles ]
173
00:06:26,056 --> 00:06:28,509
There's a weird energy here.
174
00:06:28,509 --> 00:06:29,850
I'm just saying,
175
00:06:29,850 --> 00:06:32,433
You know, there's a lot more
fun things to do,
176
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,274
Like we could go to the opera
177
00:06:34,274 --> 00:06:36,276
Or we could go see
a barbra streisand concert.
178
00:06:36,276 --> 00:06:37,978
Do you know
they just opened up
179
00:06:37,978 --> 00:06:39,980
A yarn barn right down
the street --
180
00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:45,285
17,000 Different yarns
in our own neighborhood?
181
00:06:46,577 --> 00:06:48,368
I hate home-movie night.
182
00:06:48,368 --> 00:06:49,530
Me too.
183
00:06:49,530 --> 00:06:51,582
Yeah, you see?
The kids don't wanna do that.
184
00:06:51,582 --> 00:06:52,663
I do.
No, you don't.
185
00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:54,414
Yes, I do.
No, you --
186
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,627
Aah!
Why you pinching me?!
187
00:06:56,627 --> 00:06:59,670
Michael, junior wants to do it,
and so do i.
188
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,502
Come on, jay, how many times
189
00:07:01,502 --> 00:07:03,504
Can we watch claire
fall down the stairs?
190
00:07:03,504 --> 00:07:05,546
Actually, I could watch that
for the rest of my life.
191
00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:07,928
Dad, when claire does
that first stair...
192
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,930
[ High-pitched ]
"hi, I'm claire,
193
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,642
And I'm too cute
for gravity."
194
00:07:11,642 --> 00:07:13,644
Boom-boom boom-boom
boom-boom-boom!
195
00:07:13,644 --> 00:07:16,647
"Oh, ow, that hurt.
I think it hurt."
196
00:07:16,647 --> 00:07:19,480
[ Laughs ]
but I was just a baby!
197
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,061
You were 12!
198
00:07:21,061 --> 00:07:22,523
And a half.
199
00:07:22,523 --> 00:07:23,944
You guys are so wrong!
200
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,616
I do one clumsy thing,
201
00:07:25,616 --> 00:07:27,778
I become claire the klutz
for the rest of my life.
202
00:07:27,778 --> 00:07:29,700
[ Piano plays discordant notes ]
203
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,742
[ Laughter ]
204
00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:34,284
See, jay, this is what
we should be doing.
205
00:07:34,284 --> 00:07:35,876
We should be taping
new movies.
206
00:07:35,876 --> 00:07:38,078
No, michael, I want to have
our home-movie night,
207
00:07:38,078 --> 00:07:39,500
And that's that.
208
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,502
Unless there's a reason
why we shouldn't have it.
209
00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:43,634
Is there a reason why
we shouldn't have it, michael?
210
00:07:43,634 --> 00:07:46,136
No! Of course
there's no reason.
211
00:07:47,638 --> 00:07:50,260
What is this weird energy
in here?
212
00:07:50,260 --> 00:07:52,092
You know what, I'm --
213
00:07:52,092 --> 00:07:53,473
I can't be --
214
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,807
Phew, this is weird.
215
00:08:02,943 --> 00:08:05,365
Hey. I was wondering
if you could help me.
216
00:08:05,365 --> 00:08:06,777
That depends.
217
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:09,199
If you want to borrow money,
I can't,
218
00:08:09,199 --> 00:08:11,782
But if you want to buy a camera,
I'm your man.
219
00:08:11,782 --> 00:08:14,995
Okay, well, I need you
to answer a question for me.
220
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,037
I'm not gay.
221
00:08:17,037 --> 00:08:20,120
Okay, great, that's nice
to know, but that's not what --
222
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,832
I don't like boys.
223
00:08:21,832 --> 00:08:23,834
Neither do i.
224
00:08:23,834 --> 00:08:26,426
I'm trying to get rid of my son
as we speak. [ Laughs ]
225
00:08:26,426 --> 00:08:30,430
And really, so what if I like
tofu, techno, and rainbows?
226
00:08:30,430 --> 00:08:32,222
Is that so wrong?
227
00:08:32,222 --> 00:08:35,395
No, that's not wrong at all.
I think it's beautiful.
228
00:08:35,395 --> 00:08:37,848
Whoa, look at those hot babes
who just came in.
229
00:08:37,848 --> 00:08:41,191
Look at the smokin' pecs
on that one.
230
00:08:41,191 --> 00:08:42,643
The what?
231
00:08:42,643 --> 00:08:44,144
Feedbags.
232
00:08:44,144 --> 00:08:47,608
Boy, I'd like
to really -- ooh!
233
00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,493
How could I help you?
234
00:08:53,493 --> 00:08:56,577
Yeah, okay, I was wondering,
if you tape over something,
235
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:58,579
Can you retrieve
what's underneath it?
236
00:08:58,579 --> 00:08:59,830
Absolutely.
237
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:03,253
What I will do is I will take
my magic fairy wand,
238
00:09:03,253 --> 00:09:06,256
And I'll just wave it
over the tape just a few times,
239
00:09:06,256 --> 00:09:08,548
And then I will say
the magic word
240
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,510
"Bippity-boopity-bang-bang"
241
00:09:10,510 --> 00:09:11,932
And poof!
242
00:09:11,932 --> 00:09:15,265
It'll be right back
the way that it was.
243
00:09:15,265 --> 00:09:17,267
Voilà.
Really?
244
00:09:17,267 --> 00:09:19,559
No, you're screwed.
245
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,853
Man, my wife
is going to kill me.
246
00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:24,524
I know that that's like.
247
00:09:24,524 --> 00:09:26,356
You know what?
Let's just stop it.
248
00:09:26,356 --> 00:09:29,279
Stop what?
You know, cut the charade.
249
00:09:29,279 --> 00:09:31,071
Admit it.
Admit what?
250
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,153
You know.
251
00:09:34,695 --> 00:09:37,247
Meet my wife, mandy.
252
00:09:37,247 --> 00:09:41,161
You mean, you are...
253
00:09:42,502 --> 00:09:44,705
Wow, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to offend you or your wife.
254
00:09:44,705 --> 00:09:47,207
[ Man's voice ]
don't mention it, kid.
Happens all the time.
255
00:09:53,553 --> 00:09:55,135
[ Beeping ]
256
00:09:55,135 --> 00:09:57,597
Ah, it's franklin and
the annoying bleepy-doo shoes.
257
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:58,639
Hello, mr. Kyle.
258
00:09:58,639 --> 00:09:59,640
What's so important
259
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,022
That you pulled me away
from "the mclaughlin group"?
260
00:10:02,022 --> 00:10:03,523
Look, I need your help.
261
00:10:03,523 --> 00:10:05,565
Do you know what this is?
262
00:10:05,565 --> 00:10:07,437
"Baby's first time"?
263
00:10:07,437 --> 00:10:09,029
Ah. Indeed I do.
264
00:10:09,029 --> 00:10:12,152
The classic kady kyle video
of her taking her first steps,
265
00:10:12,152 --> 00:10:13,734
Hopefully, towards me.
266
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:15,235
Correct.
267
00:10:15,235 --> 00:10:17,908
Now, here's the problem.
Okay, can you keep a secret?
268
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,330
I have a code-red security
clearance from the pentagon.
269
00:10:20,330 --> 00:10:21,702
What do you think?
270
00:10:21,702 --> 00:10:24,584
Okay, come on,
this is what happened.
271
00:10:26,336 --> 00:10:29,549
You erased kady's first steps
with a basketball game?!
272
00:10:29,549 --> 00:10:32,462
Shh!
Don't you shush me!
273
00:10:32,462 --> 00:10:35,555
[ Beeping ]
he erased kady's first steps
with a basketball game!
274
00:10:35,555 --> 00:10:37,848
He erased kady's first steps
with a basketball game!
275
00:10:37,848 --> 00:10:40,140
He erased kady's first steps
with a basketball game!
276
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,521
He erased kady's first --
277
00:10:41,521 --> 00:10:43,684
Shh! Just be quiet.
278
00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:45,265
He erased kady's --
279
00:10:45,265 --> 00:10:46,687
Shh!
280
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:48,528
He erased kady's --
281
00:10:48,528 --> 00:10:50,610
Okay, look,
calm down, okay?
282
00:10:50,610 --> 00:10:52,192
Okay? Hold this.
283
00:10:52,192 --> 00:10:53,653
Now...
284
00:10:56,036 --> 00:10:58,739
Calm down, all right?
285
00:10:58,739 --> 00:11:00,580
It was an accident.
286
00:11:00,580 --> 00:11:02,542
There are no accidents!
287
00:11:02,542 --> 00:11:06,246
Feel the wrath
of my shotokan fury.
288
00:11:06,246 --> 00:11:08,919
[ Beeping ]
289
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:11,381
Wah! Wah! Wah!
290
00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,178
What was that?!
291
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:21,681
Look, calm down.
All is not lost, all right?
292
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:24,064
I need you to help me stage
a re-enactment.
293
00:11:24,064 --> 00:11:26,937
Really? What do you expect
me to do, invent a time machine?
294
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:30,270
Can you?
No, silly. I'm months away
from doing that.
295
00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:32,312
Look, forget that.
This is what we're gonna do.
296
00:11:32,312 --> 00:11:34,114
We're gonna have
a re-creation of it,
297
00:11:34,114 --> 00:11:35,906
And nobody will know
the difference.
298
00:11:35,906 --> 00:11:37,697
Let me mull this over.
299
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,529
[ Beeping ]
300
00:11:51,591 --> 00:11:53,884
All right,
will you stop that?!
301
00:11:53,884 --> 00:11:55,756
[ Beep ]
302
00:11:57,507 --> 00:11:59,179
[ Beep ]
all right, I'm done.
303
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,682
I think the idea
is preposterous.
304
00:12:02,682 --> 00:12:05,265
And besides, I've seen
that film, and as I recall,
305
00:12:05,265 --> 00:12:08,188
Kady took her first steps
when junior let go of her hand.
306
00:12:08,188 --> 00:12:10,981
You might be able to find
an infant to double as kady,
307
00:12:10,981 --> 00:12:14,234
But who could possibly double
as junior and his gigantic head?
308
00:12:16,026 --> 00:12:17,657
You.
Me?
309
00:12:17,657 --> 00:12:19,239
Yep.
310
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,741
He erased kady's first steps
with a basketball game!
311
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,914
He erased kady's first steps
with a basketball game!
312
00:12:25,916 --> 00:12:28,128
Hey, babe, you know
what I'm looking forward to?
313
00:12:28,128 --> 00:12:29,920
Does it involve
some butt-naked nastiness?
314
00:12:31,922 --> 00:12:33,463
No.
315
00:12:33,463 --> 00:12:35,255
Then I don't care.
316
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:39,299
The tape I'm looking forward to
most is "baby's first time."
317
00:12:39,299 --> 00:12:41,721
Oh, michael,
that tape is a gift from god.
318
00:12:41,721 --> 00:12:43,643
That tape -- that tape
319
00:12:43,643 --> 00:12:46,016
Is the most precious thing
we own, michael.
320
00:12:46,016 --> 00:12:47,517
I mean, it's cute,
321
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:49,309
But I like the tape
with junior
322
00:12:49,309 --> 00:12:51,311
When he got his ding-ding
caught in the zipper.
323
00:12:51,311 --> 00:12:54,564
No, babe, nothing,
nothing beats kady's video.
324
00:12:54,564 --> 00:12:55,946
That tape, baby,
325
00:12:55,946 --> 00:12:59,239
Oh, if there was a fire
up in this house,
326
00:12:59,239 --> 00:13:01,531
That would be the first thing
that I grab.
327
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:02,702
Really?
328
00:13:02,702 --> 00:13:04,164
Oh, yes, yes.
329
00:13:04,164 --> 00:13:05,956
Michael, the tape
is so special.
330
00:13:05,956 --> 00:13:07,828
It was
just like yesterday.
331
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:09,619
Junior was holding
on to kady's hand
332
00:13:09,619 --> 00:13:11,211
And standing
in the driveway,
333
00:13:11,211 --> 00:13:13,003
And he hears
♪ ding-ding ding-ding ding ♪
334
00:13:13,003 --> 00:13:15,795
He goes running towards the
ice-cream truck, letting her go,
335
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,048
And she's teetering
and tottering and waddling,
336
00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:20,260
And then she takes
that first precious step,
337
00:13:20,260 --> 00:13:22,923
Baby, and you caught it!
You caught it on film!
338
00:13:22,923 --> 00:13:28,428
You caught that special moment
for me, baby, for me!
339
00:13:28,428 --> 00:13:30,230
Oh, baby,
and then she's singing
340
00:13:30,230 --> 00:13:32,853
[ Baby voice ] ♪ ice team,
you team, oh team, ice team ♪
341
00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:34,024
♪ Ice team ♪
342
00:13:34,024 --> 00:13:35,355
Ice team.
343
00:13:35,355 --> 00:13:37,737
[ Normal voice ]
oh, michael, oh!
344
00:13:37,737 --> 00:13:39,940
But -- but come on, jay,
remember junior?
345
00:13:39,940 --> 00:13:41,902
"My ding-ding,
my ding-ding!
346
00:13:41,902 --> 00:13:44,074
Get me out! Get me out!
Get me out! Get me out!"
347
00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:46,786
Yes, I remember.
You don't beat that.
348
00:13:46,786 --> 00:13:48,408
But, michael, no.
349
00:13:48,408 --> 00:13:50,620
No, nothing
beats kady's video, michael.
350
00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:52,002
I mean, you know,
351
00:13:52,002 --> 00:13:55,455
I would die if something
happened to that video.
352
00:13:55,455 --> 00:13:58,168
I would just die.
You would die?
353
00:13:58,168 --> 00:14:00,921
I would just jump in the ground.
Oh! Oh! I would die!
354
00:14:00,921 --> 00:14:02,722
Oh! I would die, michael.
355
00:14:02,722 --> 00:14:04,764
You don't have to --
you know what?
356
00:14:04,764 --> 00:14:06,266
Let's watch it right now.
357
00:14:06,266 --> 00:14:07,847
No! No!
'Cause I would die.
358
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,469
That would kill me
359
00:14:09,469 --> 00:14:12,933
Knowing that we went
behind the kids' back
360
00:14:12,933 --> 00:14:16,316
And watched a home-video night
without it really being --
361
00:14:16,316 --> 00:14:18,858
It's home-video daytime
right now.
362
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,073
It's unfair.
Sweetie, you are so right.
363
00:14:23,073 --> 00:14:25,695
Yeah, so, no matter how much
we wanna watch it --
364
00:14:25,695 --> 00:14:27,487
And god knows
we wanna watch it --
365
00:14:27,487 --> 00:14:28,698
You do?
366
00:14:28,698 --> 00:14:30,290
Yeah. Um, we should wait.
367
00:14:30,290 --> 00:14:32,082
Michael,
you are just amazing.
368
00:14:32,082 --> 00:14:34,294
I am so glad you're getting into
home-movie night
369
00:14:34,294 --> 00:14:35,916
As much as I am.
370
00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:37,958
Thanks a lot, michael.
371
00:14:42,552 --> 00:14:44,764
Michael: [ on tv ] junior,
hurry up and get dressed.
372
00:14:44,764 --> 00:14:46,306
[ Zipper slides ]
373
00:14:46,306 --> 00:14:48,308
Junior:
my ding-ding! My ding-ding!
374
00:14:48,308 --> 00:14:50,060
Oh, man,
I don't think I got that.
375
00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:51,221
Do it again.
376
00:14:51,221 --> 00:14:53,273
Sure thing, dad.
[ Zipper slides ]
377
00:14:53,273 --> 00:14:55,355
Ahh!
Did you get it that time?
378
00:14:55,355 --> 00:14:56,937
I don't know if I got it.
379
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,939
It was a little
out of focus.
380
00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:01,321
Do it one more time
for your dad, okay?
381
00:15:01,321 --> 00:15:02,943
[ Zipper slides ]
ahh!
382
00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:04,985
[ Laughter ]
383
00:15:04,985 --> 00:15:06,576
That's classic.
384
00:15:06,576 --> 00:15:08,989
All right, all right,
we watched this 10 times.
385
00:15:08,989 --> 00:15:11,371
Can we turn on
"baby's first time" now?
386
00:15:11,371 --> 00:15:13,413
No, no, no!
We haven't seen claire yet.
387
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,585
Let's watch some claire.
[ Chuckles ]
388
00:15:15,585 --> 00:15:17,747
I'll just fast-forward to it,
and we're getting to it.
389
00:15:17,747 --> 00:15:19,169
There we go.
390
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,091
Claire:
look at what I can do, mommy.
391
00:15:21,091 --> 00:15:23,343
Jay: I don't think you
should do that near the stairs.
392
00:15:23,343 --> 00:15:25,805
Nothing's gonna happen, mom.
I'm too cute for gravity.
393
00:15:25,805 --> 00:15:27,427
[ Thudding ]
394
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,678
[ Laughter ]
395
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,260
I think that hurt.
396
00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:33,183
Now, that's comedy,
right, claire?
397
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:34,724
Shut up, uncute.
398
00:15:34,724 --> 00:15:37,267
You know, claire,
if I was you,
399
00:15:37,267 --> 00:15:39,319
I would just destroy
that tape
400
00:15:39,319 --> 00:15:41,151
So I wouldn't have
the humiliation
401
00:15:41,151 --> 00:15:42,732
Of the family all the time.
402
00:15:42,732 --> 00:15:45,445
You're right.
Yeah, just break it.
403
00:15:47,327 --> 00:15:49,569
[ Laughter ]
404
00:15:49,569 --> 00:15:51,491
We don't even need a tape!
405
00:15:51,491 --> 00:15:53,073
It's funnier live!
406
00:15:53,073 --> 00:15:54,574
Go ahead and laugh.
407
00:15:54,574 --> 00:15:56,786
I don't care,
as long as it's gone.
408
00:15:56,786 --> 00:15:58,788
Oh, yeah, and look, she --
409
00:15:58,788 --> 00:16:02,502
Aw, man, the tape
is all broken up.
410
00:16:02,502 --> 00:16:03,503
Good job.
411
00:16:03,503 --> 00:16:04,844
And...
412
00:16:04,844 --> 00:16:07,217
You know, I guess
we're just not gonna be able
413
00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:08,798
To see "baby's first time."
414
00:16:08,798 --> 00:16:11,221
That's not
"baby's first time."
415
00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:13,223
This is "baby's first time"
right here.
416
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,514
Oh.
Yeah.
417
00:16:14,514 --> 00:16:17,307
Good. Great, great.
I'm happy.
418
00:16:17,307 --> 00:16:19,689
I guess we'll
just watch it, huh?
419
00:16:19,689 --> 00:16:21,901
Yeah, you just
put it in, pop it.
420
00:16:21,901 --> 00:16:23,483
How'd it come out?
421
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,105
I don't know.
422
00:16:25,105 --> 00:16:27,487
I didn't edit it yet,
but I think it's gonna be good.
423
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,489
Okay, here we go.
424
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,112
Michael: okay, the coast
is clear. Come on out.
425
00:16:32,112 --> 00:16:33,703
This is beyond stupid.
426
00:16:33,703 --> 00:16:35,875
No one will ever believe
that I'm junior.
427
00:16:35,875 --> 00:16:38,498
Oh, hush up, franklin --
I mean, junior.
428
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,080
Look, I'm gonna shoot you
429
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,712
From a distance in soft focus,
like bigfoot.
430
00:16:42,712 --> 00:16:45,125
Just stand there
and say your lines.
431
00:16:45,125 --> 00:16:46,546
What is this?
432
00:16:46,546 --> 00:16:48,548
What is this?
What is this?!
433
00:16:48,548 --> 00:16:50,390
What in the heck is --
434
00:16:50,390 --> 00:16:52,392
You know what, we should
just take this out.
435
00:16:52,392 --> 00:16:54,344
No, no, no, no, dad.
See, I remember this.
436
00:16:54,344 --> 00:16:55,395
That's me right there.
437
00:16:55,395 --> 00:16:57,397
I'm wearing
the "I'm jr." Shirt.
438
00:16:57,397 --> 00:16:59,769
Where's kady?
Go and get kady.
439
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,358
Kady: hey, that's not me.
440
00:17:08,358 --> 00:17:10,610
That's my
walk-along wendy doll.
441
00:17:10,610 --> 00:17:13,613
He forced me into this, kady.
He forced me.
Shh. Don't.
442
00:17:13,613 --> 00:17:15,495
I don't know what to do.
443
00:17:15,495 --> 00:17:17,997
All right, now,
flip the switch on, franklin.
444
00:17:17,997 --> 00:17:19,579
And remember, it's kady.
445
00:17:19,579 --> 00:17:21,581
Hmm. Now I'm confused.
446
00:17:21,581 --> 00:17:23,543
I don't remember
franklin being there.
447
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,256
Stop fooling around, boy,
and get into character.
448
00:17:26,256 --> 00:17:28,128
All right.
449
00:17:28,128 --> 00:17:32,092
My name is junior kyle.
I'm a big-headed imbecile.
450
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:34,304
Duh-duh duh-duh...
451
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:36,556
Okay, okay, okay.
That's me right there.
452
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,558
Okay, now take
the doll's hand.
453
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,770
Keep your head down
so I can't see your face,
454
00:17:40,770 --> 00:17:42,772
And then run offscreen
455
00:17:42,772 --> 00:17:45,315
As if you've seen
the ice-cream truck.
456
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:47,607
And...action!
457
00:17:56,576 --> 00:18:00,460
Oh, boy,
look at kady walking, huh?
458
00:18:00,460 --> 00:18:03,082
Them little baby steps.
459
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,165
Michael, you wanna explain
this to us?
460
00:18:05,165 --> 00:18:06,756
What I think happened
461
00:18:06,756 --> 00:18:09,469
Is somebody must have
broke in this house,
462
00:18:09,469 --> 00:18:12,382
Stole that tape,
and then forced franklin
463
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:14,674
To re-enact some charade
464
00:18:14,674 --> 00:18:18,428
To pull the wool
over your eyes, jay,
465
00:18:18,428 --> 00:18:21,521
And to deceive you
with a lie.
466
00:18:21,521 --> 00:18:24,604
Oh, god! How could you?!
467
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:27,607
[ Sobbing ] okay, jay, look,
this is what happened, okay.
468
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,229
I was -- I was --
469
00:18:29,229 --> 00:18:30,820
I was watching the game,
470
00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:33,153
And lebron james
had 35 points in the half.
471
00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:35,535
And then
i-i-i recorded over it,
472
00:18:35,535 --> 00:18:38,538
And I didn't mean to,
and I -- I feel guilty.
473
00:18:38,538 --> 00:18:40,540
I mean, I can't eat,
I can't sleep,
474
00:18:40,540 --> 00:18:42,121
I've been blacking out.
475
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,204
Hey, hey, hey --
what happened to all that
476
00:18:44,204 --> 00:18:46,416
"Never cry in front
of your woman" stuff?
477
00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:48,007
You want me
to black you out?
478
00:18:48,007 --> 00:18:49,209
No.
479
00:18:49,209 --> 00:18:51,090
All right, support me.
Cry.
480
00:18:51,090 --> 00:18:52,632
Forgive me.
481
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,465
Oh, stop your sniveling,
michael!
482
00:18:55,465 --> 00:18:59,138
Michael, you know how much
these kids' tapes mean to me,
483
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:03,523
So I transferred them to dvd
a long time ago.
484
00:19:05,104 --> 00:19:07,106
[ Scoffs ]
I knew that.
485
00:19:07,106 --> 00:19:09,649
That's why I did that.
I was just playing the role.
486
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,651
That's what I do.
I play the role.
487
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,533
Hey, you know what?
I have an idea.
488
00:19:13,533 --> 00:19:16,115
Why don't we create
some new memories, huh?
489
00:19:16,115 --> 00:19:18,157
Just put all
this past stuff behind us?
490
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,039
Claire, run to the top
of the stairs
491
00:19:20,039 --> 00:19:22,121
And then turn around
and tumble back down.
492
00:19:22,121 --> 00:19:24,544
No way. I'm tired of being
the clown to you people.
493
00:19:24,544 --> 00:19:26,546
My days of falling down
these stairs are over,
494
00:19:26,546 --> 00:19:28,548
And don't any of you
ask me to do it again,
495
00:19:28,548 --> 00:19:30,340
Because if you do,
the answer is no!
496
00:19:30,340 --> 00:19:31,921
No, no, no, no, no!
497
00:19:34,884 --> 00:19:37,096
I got it on tape!
498
00:19:37,096 --> 00:19:38,598
[ Laughter ]
499
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:52,021
Oh.
500
00:19:52,021 --> 00:19:53,653
Michael?
Hmm?
501
00:19:53,653 --> 00:19:55,525
I know
you're not reading that.
502
00:19:55,525 --> 00:19:57,367
How do you know
I'm not reading this?
503
00:19:57,367 --> 00:19:59,409
Because they're
swedish directions
504
00:19:59,409 --> 00:20:01,200
On how to build
a bookshelf.
505
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,202
Well, that's where
you're wrong. Look.
506
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,785
[ Swedish accent ]
insert slot "a" into slot "b."
507
00:20:05,785 --> 00:20:07,787
And the...
[ Imitating swedish ]
508
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,752
Michael.
All right.
509
00:20:12,752 --> 00:20:14,714
I'm trying to avoid
confrontation.
510
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,506
You're not avoiding
confrontation.
511
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:17,637
We had our confrontation.
512
00:20:17,637 --> 00:20:19,599
What you're avoiding
is saying "I'm sorry."
513
00:20:19,599 --> 00:20:23,393
But, jay, doesn't love mean
not having to say "I'm sorry"?
514
00:20:23,393 --> 00:20:25,224
Hell, no!
515
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,846
What do you want from me?
516
00:20:26,846 --> 00:20:29,479
I want you to say "I'm sorry"
and mean it.
517
00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:31,060
What am I sorry about?
518
00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:33,483
I mean, you already
transferred it to dvd.
519
00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:36,486
There's no victim here.
520
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:38,157
I'm not gonna get it, am i?
521
00:20:38,157 --> 00:20:40,360
You know what?
I give up. I really do.
522
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:43,162
Jay, look, you know
the kind of man I am.
523
00:20:43,162 --> 00:20:45,865
If I have something
to sincerely apologize about,
524
00:20:45,865 --> 00:20:47,867
I'm the first guy
to say "I'm sorry."
525
00:20:47,867 --> 00:20:51,671
Right, right, right,
right, right.
526
00:20:51,671 --> 00:20:54,294
Turn off that light.
Let me love on you, woman.
527
00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:55,675
[ Sighs ]
528
00:20:55,675 --> 00:20:57,507
Come here.
529
00:20:57,507 --> 00:20:59,759
[ Chuckles ]
530
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:02,552
Mmm. Mmm-mmm.
531
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:04,344
Whoops.
Ow!
532
00:21:04,344 --> 00:21:05,725
Sorry.
533
00:21:09,689 --> 00:21:11,731
Mama.
534
00:21:11,731 --> 00:21:14,734
Mama.
535
00:21:14,734 --> 00:21:17,357
Mama.
38572
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