Original subtitles

Man on tv: oh, my goodness, what an exciting game!

Lebron james has 35 points in the first half!

He could be going for an nba record!

Sports rule!

Oh, boy, what a game!

[ Laughs ]

I'm glad I'm recording this one.

Wait, I got to make sure I'm recording it.

Daddy, I was wondering if --

I'm busy. I'm watching the game.

I hate basketball season!

Yeah, well, I hate "rolie polie olie" and "barney"

And all that other stupid stuff you make me watch,

But I supported you.

Big deal.

Let me see if I'm recording this thing.

Oh, my goodness, what an exciting game!

Lebron james has 35 points in the first half!

He could be going for an nba record!

An nba record in one game. [ Laughs ]

Jay: michael, look! Kady took her first step!

I'm so glad we caught this on tape!

We're gonna have it forever, right?

Oh...my god, what did I record?!

"Baby's first time"?

These are kady's first steps! Jay's gonna kill me!

Hey, dad. What are you doing?

Nothing.

Why? What are you doing?

Uh, I'm just walking into the room.

What are you doing?

Nothing. I ain't erasing nothing.

What are you doing with that tape behind your back?

What tape behind -- where do you see a tape behind my back?

You're crazy, boy.

There's only one kind of videotape

People hide when you come into a room,

And that's porno.

Boy, that's ridiculous! I'm watching a basketball game.

Right. Now, come on, dad.

You're way too old for this stuff.

Don't they have some type of cutoff date?

Look, why would I wanna watch porno

When your mother's the only woman I wanna see naked?

[ Gasps ] ew!

That's mom?!

You watching parent porn?!

Of course not!

Let me see the tape. Let me see, let me see.

Aah! Thank you.

"Baby's first time"?! Oh, that is sick!

The diapers, the pacifiers?!

Oh, get it out of my head! It hurts, it hurts!

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!

Ow!

Did that help?

A little bit.

But don't worry, dad. The secret is safe with me.

I don't got no secret.

Right, like I don't have a bunch of porno tapes

That I watch all the time.

[ Laughs ] whoo!

Did I say that out loud?

Yes, you did, and I want you to get rid of all those tapes.

How about I make you a deal?

I keep my tapes, and we just trade.

You know, I got some good stuff, dad.

"Attack of the knockers,"

"Now you see it, now you don't."

"Dances with wolves."

"Dances with wolves" is not a porno.

It is when you freeze-frame.

[ Laughs ]

Ow. That's the second time, boy.

You're such a good little wrench.

Yes, you are. You're so good at grabbing nuts.

What are you doing?!

Hey, hey, hey, I'm -- I'm, you know, I'm --

What are you doing?

I asked you first! What are you doing?!

Oh, I was polishing my tools.

What are you doing?

It's not about what I'm doing.

It's about what you did.

Hey, I didn't do anything...yet.

Oh, really, then what is this?

Hey, you are not gonna get me

To say that that's dad's porno tape.

He and I have a deal.

What are you -- this is not dad's porno tape.

This is a tape of kady's first baby steps.

Really? Yes!

Then why did I have to throw away all my porno tapes?

Boy! So, you didn't tape the basketball game over this?

Me? No, you know I can't work a vcr!

If you didn't tape the basketball game over this tape,

Then your knucklehead father did.

Ooh. Is dad in trouble?

No, not if he confesses.

Well, we both know that dad will never confess, so...

[ Singsong voice ] dad's in trouble, dad's in trouble.

No, no, no, not necessarily.

I'm giving him one chance

And one chance only to come clean.

Oh, vanessa, I can't stand being away from you.

All weekend is just so long.

Yeah, you have the baby to keep you company, but who do I have?

My dad made me throw away all my porno...

...cchio tapes.

Oh, I just miss you so much!

I can't eat, I can't sleep...

And I been blacking out every day --

Hey, hey, hey, hey, who are you talking to?

[ Sniffles ] vanessa!

What is wrong with you?!

[ Crying ] I love you!

Hey, vanessa, she'll call you back --

I mean, he'll call you back.

What is wrong with you?!

Huh?

Don't you ever in your life

Start crying in front of your woman!

They lose respect for you!

You know what you look like to her?

This is you.

[ Sobbing ] I can't eat, I can't sleep.

[ Pops lips ] snot bubble.

I can't do nothing without you!

[ Crying ]

What are you crying about now?!

You make it sound so sad!

And I know it looks bad to us guys,

But vanessa's always telling me to be...

Sensitive, right? Yeah, yeah. How did you know?

Do the words "it's not you, baby, it's me.

I'm just too deep for you." Do that sound familiar?

Yeah, I've heard that a lot. When you're naked, right?

Yeah, what does it mean? Look, I know women, son.

This is how they dominate you.

They tell you they want you to be sensitive,

So when you try to lay down the law,

They throw it back in your face.

You try to tell them to do something,

They go, "oh, is this the same little punk

"That was snotting up my blouse

"When he was sniveling, huh?

Mr. 'I can't eat, I can't sleep,

I can't' -- [pops lips] snot bubble --

'Do anything without you!'"

You're saying that vanessa doesn't want me to be sensitive?

Hell, no!

She's probably on the phone with her girlfriends,

Laughing at you right now.

Not my vanessa. She would never, ever do that.

[ Laughter ]

And then she said he was crying on the phone

Because he missed her so much.

Ahhhh!

[ Laughing ] baby, you better now that you got that out,

My little poodgie-woodgie-woodgie-woodgie?

You're so gay.

[ Pops lips ]

Hi, mommy, hi, daddy, hi, claire.

[ Singsong voice ] hi, crybaby.

Oh, you know what I wanna do this weekend?

I wanna have our annual home-movie night.

No!!

I mean...no. [ Laughs ]

I mean, that's a bad idea.

Why is that, michael? Is there something you wanna tell me?

What would I wanna tell you? Huh?

[ Chuckles ]

There's a weird energy here.

I'm just saying,

You know, there's a lot more fun things to do,

Like we could go to the opera

Or we could go see a barbra streisand concert.

Do you know they just opened up

A yarn barn right down the street --

17,000 Different yarns in our own neighborhood?

I hate home-movie night.

Me too.

Yeah, you see? The kids don't wanna do that.

I do. No, you don't.

Yes, I do. No, you --

Aah! Why you pinching me?!

Michael, junior wants to do it, and so do i.

Come on, jay, how many times

Can we watch claire fall down the stairs?

Actually, I could watch that for the rest of my life.

Dad, when claire does that first stair...

[ High-pitched ] "hi, I'm claire,

And I'm too cute for gravity."

Boom-boom boom-boom boom-boom-boom!

"Oh, ow, that hurt. I think it hurt."

[ Laughs ] but I was just a baby!

You were 12!

And a half.

You guys are so wrong!

I do one clumsy thing,

I become claire the klutz for the rest of my life.

[ Piano plays discordant notes ]

[ Laughter ]

See, jay, this is what we should be doing.

We should be taping new movies.

No, michael, I want to have our home-movie night,

And that's that.

Unless there's a reason why we shouldn't have it.

Is there a reason why we shouldn't have it, michael?

No! Of course there's no reason.

What is this weird energy in here?

You know what, I'm --

I can't be --

Phew, this is weird.

Hey. I was wondering if you could help me.

That depends.

If you want to borrow money, I can't,

But if you want to buy a camera, I'm your man.

Okay, well, I need you to answer a question for me.

I'm not gay.

Okay, great, that's nice to know, but that's not what --

I don't like boys.

Neither do i.

I'm trying to get rid of my son as we speak. [ Laughs ]

And really, so what if I like tofu, techno, and rainbows?

Is that so wrong?

No, that's not wrong at all. I think it's beautiful.

Whoa, look at those hot babes who just came in.

Look at the smokin' pecs on that one.

The what?

Feedbags.

Boy, I'd like to really -- ooh!

How could I help you?

Yeah, okay, I was wondering, if you tape over something,

Can you retrieve what's underneath it?

Absolutely.

What I will do is I will take my magic fairy wand,

And I'll just wave it over the tape just a few times,

And then I will say the magic word

"Bippity-boopity-bang-bang"

And poof!

It'll be right back the way that it was.

Voilà. Really?

No, you're screwed.

Man, my wife is going to kill me.

I know that that's like.

You know what? Let's just stop it.

Stop what? You know, cut the charade.

Admit it. Admit what?

You know.

Meet my wife, mandy.

You mean, you are...

Wow, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or your wife.

[ Man's voice ] don't mention it, kid. Happens all the time.

[ Beeping ]

Ah, it's franklin and the annoying bleepy-doo shoes.

Hello, mr. Kyle.

What's so important

That you pulled me away from "the mclaughlin group"?

Look, I need your help.

Do you know what this is?

"Baby's first time"?

Ah. Indeed I do.

The classic kady kyle video of her taking her first steps,

Hopefully, towards me.

Correct.

Now, here's the problem. Okay, can you keep a secret?

I have a code-red security clearance from the pentagon.

What do you think?

Okay, come on, this is what happened.

You erased kady's first steps with a basketball game?!

Shh! Don't you shush me!

[ Beeping ] he erased kady's first steps with a basketball game!

He erased kady's first steps with a basketball game!

He erased kady's first steps with a basketball game!

He erased kady's first --

Shh! Just be quiet.

He erased kady's --

Shh!

He erased kady's --

Okay, look, calm down, okay?

Okay? Hold this.

Now...

Calm down, all right?

It was an accident.

There are no accidents!

Feel the wrath of my shotokan fury.

[ Beeping ]

Wah! Wah! Wah!

What was that?!

Look, calm down. All is not lost, all right?

I need you to help me stage a re-enactment.

Really? What do you expect me to do, invent a time machine?

Can you? No, silly. I'm months away from doing that.

Look, forget that. This is what we're gonna do.

We're gonna have a re-creation of it,

And nobody will know the difference.

Let me mull this over.

[ Beeping ]

All right, will you stop that?!

[ Beep ]

[ Beep ] all right, I'm done.

I think the idea is preposterous.

And besides, I've seen that film, and as I recall,

Kady took her first steps when junior let go of her hand.

You might be able to find an infant to double as kady,

But who could possibly double as junior and his gigantic head?

You. Me?

Yep.

He erased kady's first steps with a basketball game!

He erased kady's first steps with a basketball game!

Hey, babe, you know what I'm looking forward to?

Does it involve some butt-naked nastiness?

No.

Then I don't care.

The tape I'm looking forward to most is "baby's first time."

Oh, michael, that tape is a gift from god.

That tape -- that tape

Is the most precious thing we own, michael.

I mean, it's cute,

But I like the tape with junior

When he got his ding-ding caught in the zipper.

No, babe, nothing, nothing beats kady's video.

That tape, baby,

Oh, if there was a fire up in this house,

That would be the first thing that I grab.

Really?

Oh, yes, yes.

Michael, the tape is so special.

It was just like yesterday.

Junior was holding on to kady's hand

And standing in the driveway,

And he hears ♪ ding-ding ding-ding ding ♪

He goes running towards the ice-cream truck, letting her go,

And she's teetering and tottering and waddling,

And then she takes that first precious step,

Baby, and you caught it! You caught it on film!

You caught that special moment for me, baby, for me!

Oh, baby, and then she's singing

[ Baby voice ] ♪ ice team, you team, oh team, ice team ♪

♪ Ice team ♪

Ice team.

[ Normal voice ] oh, michael, oh!

But -- but come on, jay, remember junior?

"My ding-ding, my ding-ding!

Get me out! Get me out! Get me out! Get me out!"

Yes, I remember. You don't beat that.

But, michael, no.

No, nothing beats kady's video, michael.

I mean, you know,

I would die if something happened to that video.

I would just die. You would die?

I would just jump in the ground. Oh! Oh! I would die!

Oh! I would die, michael.

You don't have to -- you know what?

Let's watch it right now.

No! No! 'Cause I would die.

That would kill me

Knowing that we went behind the kids' back

And watched a home-video night without it really being --

It's home-video daytime right now.

It's unfair. Sweetie, you are so right.

Yeah, so, no matter how much we wanna watch it --

And god knows we wanna watch it --

You do?

Yeah. Um, we should wait.

Michael, you are just amazing.

I am so glad you're getting into home-movie night

As much as I am.

Thanks a lot, michael.

Michael: [ on tv ] junior, hurry up and get dressed.

[ Zipper slides ]

Junior: my ding-ding! My ding-ding!

Oh, man, I don't think I got that.

Do it again.

Sure thing, dad. [ Zipper slides ]

Ahh! Did you get it that time?

I don't know if I got it.

It was a little out of focus.

Do it one more time for your dad, okay?

[ Zipper slides ] ahh!

[ Laughter ]

That's classic.

All right, all right, we watched this 10 times.

Can we turn on "baby's first time" now?

No, no, no! We haven't seen claire yet.

Let's watch some claire. [ Chuckles ]

I'll just fast-forward to it, and we're getting to it.

There we go.

Claire: look at what I can do, mommy.

Jay: I don't think you should do that near the stairs.

Nothing's gonna happen, mom. I'm too cute for gravity.

[ Thudding ]

[ Laughter ]

I think that hurt.

Now, that's comedy, right, claire?

Shut up, uncute.

You know, claire, if I was you,

I would just destroy that tape

So I wouldn't have the humiliation

Of the family all the time.

You're right. Yeah, just break it.

[ Laughter ]

We don't even need a tape!

It's funnier live!

Go ahead and laugh.

I don't care, as long as it's gone.

Oh, yeah, and look, she --

Aw, man, the tape is all broken up.

Good job.

And...

You know, I guess we're just not gonna be able

To see "baby's first time."

That's not "baby's first time."

This is "baby's first time" right here.

Oh. Yeah.

Good. Great, great. I'm happy.

I guess we'll just watch it, huh?

Yeah, you just put it in, pop it.

How'd it come out?

I don't know.

I didn't edit it yet, but I think it's gonna be good.

Okay, here we go.

Michael: okay, the coast is clear. Come on out.

This is beyond stupid.

No one will ever believe that I'm junior.

Oh, hush up, franklin -- I mean, junior.

Look, I'm gonna shoot you

From a distance in soft focus, like bigfoot.

Just stand there and say your lines.

What is this?

What is this? What is this?!

What in the heck is --

You know what, we should just take this out.

No, no, no, no, dad. See, I remember this.

That's me right there.

I'm wearing the "I'm jr." Shirt.

Where's kady? Go and get kady.

Kady: hey, that's not me.

That's my walk-along wendy doll.

He forced me into this, kady. He forced me. Shh. Don't.

I don't know what to do.

All right, now, flip the switch on, franklin.

And remember, it's kady.

Hmm. Now I'm confused.

I don't remember franklin being there.

Stop fooling around, boy, and get into character.

All right.

My name is junior kyle. I'm a big-headed imbecile.

Duh-duh duh-duh...

Okay, okay, okay. That's me right there.

Okay, now take the doll's hand.

Keep your head down so I can't see your face,

And then run offscreen

As if you've seen the ice-cream truck.

And...action!

Oh, boy, look at kady walking, huh?

Them little baby steps.

Michael, you wanna explain this to us?

What I think happened

Is somebody must have broke in this house,

Stole that tape, and then forced franklin

To re-enact some charade

To pull the wool over your eyes, jay,

And to deceive you with a lie.

Oh, god! How could you?!

[ Sobbing ] okay, jay, look, this is what happened, okay.

I was -- I was --

I was watching the game,

And lebron james had 35 points in the half.

And then i-i-i recorded over it,

And I didn't mean to, and I -- I feel guilty.

I mean, I can't eat, I can't sleep,

I've been blacking out.

Hey, hey, hey -- what happened to all that

"Never cry in front of your woman" stuff?

You want me to black you out?

No.

All right, support me. Cry.

Forgive me.

Oh, stop your sniveling, michael!

Michael, you know how much these kids' tapes mean to me,

So I transferred them to dvd a long time ago.

[ Scoffs ] I knew that.

That's why I did that. I was just playing the role.

That's what I do. I play the role.

Hey, you know what? I have an idea.

Why don't we create some new memories, huh?

Just put all this past stuff behind us?

Claire, run to the top of the stairs

And then turn around and tumble back down.

No way. I'm tired of being the clown to you people.

My days of falling down these stairs are over,

And don't any of you ask me to do it again,

Because if you do, the answer is no!

No, no, no, no, no!

I got it on tape!

[ Laughter ]

Oh.

Michael? Hmm?

I know you're not reading that.

How do you know I'm not reading this?

Because they're swedish directions

On how to build a bookshelf.

Well, that's where you're wrong. Look.

[ Swedish accent ] insert slot "a" into slot "b."

And the... [ Imitating swedish ]

Michael. All right.

I'm trying to avoid confrontation.

You're not avoiding confrontation.

We had our confrontation.

What you're avoiding is saying "I'm sorry."

But, jay, doesn't love mean not having to say "I'm sorry"?

Hell, no!

What do you want from me?

I want you to say "I'm sorry" and mean it.

What am I sorry about?

I mean, you already transferred it to dvd.

There's no victim here.

I'm not gonna get it, am i?

You know what? I give up. I really do.

Jay, look, you know the kind of man I am.

If I have something to sincerely apologize about,

I'm the first guy to say "I'm sorry."

Right, right, right, right, right.

Turn off that light. Let me love on you, woman.

[ Sighs ]

Come here.

[ Chuckles ]

Mmm. Mmm-mmm.

Whoops. Ow!

Sorry.

Mama.

Mama.

Mama.