Original subtitles

Hey, tommy! Cut out all that drum playing!

Tommy: sorry!

[ Laughing ] I'm gonna pee! I'm gonna pee!

I'm gonna pee on myself! [ Laughs ]

I'm gonna pee on myself!

Boy, what are you laughing at?

Oh, oh, god. Oh, god -- "growing pains."

Oh, god. It doesn't get any better than this.

Man, that alan thicke.

Man, you know, he's, like, the richard pryor of our era.

Even his last name is funny -- "thicke"?

[ Laughs ] with an "e"! With an "e"!

With an "e"! [ Laughs ]

You're thick.

No, he's thicke!

♪ Claire and tony sitting in a tree ♪

♪ K-i-s-s-i-n-g ♪

♪ First comes love, then comes marriage ♪

♪ Then comes claire and the baby carriage ♪

Oh, yeah? ♪ Little kady, beaten by a tree ♪

♪ Teeth m-i-s-s-i-n-g ♪

♪ First comes blood, then comes stitches ♪

And I'm not rhyming anymore because I'm serious!

[ Screaming ]

Hey, hey, hey! Claire!

Claire, sit down! Sit! I said sit.

And you know what?

I am so sick and tired of all of this yelling, claire.

I wish this house was empty,

And I could pretend to be 16 again.

Why?

Because when I was 16,

The only thing I had to worry about

Was practicing for my career in musical comedy.

♪ Come on, let's ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Come on, let's ease on down, ease on down the road ♪

♪ Don't you carry nothing ♪

[ Door closes ]

♪ That might be a load ♪

♪ Come on, ease on down, ease on down ♪

♪ Ease on down, ease on down ♪

♪ Ease on down, down the road ♪

♪ Ease on down the road ♪

Ease on down.

♪ Ease on down the road ♪

Get one more out.

♪ Ease on down the road ♪

♪ I said, eee-eee ♪

♪ Eee-eee-eee ♪

♪ Eee-eee-eee... ♪

You we-- you weren't in the play.

You was not -- I don't remember you there.

Okay.

But I was close to the stage. I felt like I --

Yeah, but you wasn't with me on the stage.

That was me. That was my turn to shine.

That was my turn to shine, michael.

What did you do to your mother?

What makes you think I did something?

Because she's easing down the road.

Michael, michael, you saw me in "the wiz."

Michael, that was good. Michael, that was g--

I was -- I was damn good.

Did you play dorothy? What?

No, I didn't play dorothy.

The good witch?

It's not important who she played. No, I didn't play --

Auntie em?

No, I wasn't -- I was the house.

I flew in, and I broke that witch in half.

I was the house.

She played the house, the front door, the backyard.

She was the window, the lights, all that.

And I was the feet, and I curled it.

I was brilliant.

I was so good.

[ Laughing ] the house! That's sad!

Sad? What are you talking about, claire?

I was husky, claire.

I was husky. I made it work for me, okay?

You were great, baby.

You were great. Come here.

No, I don't feel like it. [ Whining ]

What's the matter?

I will tell you what's the matter.

I've been playing referee between these girls all day,

And I got "radio" sitting on my front couch.

[ Laughs hysterically ]

He's off the couch now.

Michael...

This house has turned into grand central station.

We don't get a minute's peace. And it's not just the kids.

Vanessa's parents --

They made this their second home.

I swear, michael, if I hear calvin say, one more time,

[ Deep voice ] "heh heh heh.

"We was just in the neighborhood.

Hmm. Do I smell bacon?" I'm gonna lose my mind!

Michael, between school,

Part-time job, taking care of this house,

The neighbor's kid banging on that drum,

I'm just going crazy, michael, I swear.

I understand.

[ Sighs ] you understand what?

I know. I know.

You know what?

It's that time.

The time for what?

The curse.

What is this wi-- I don't have the curse.

You don't? No.

You sure? Yeah, I'm positive.

Good, because I've booked us in an ocean-view suite

At le chateau monet tonight.

Le chateau monet, the resort and spa?

Oh, my god, michael!!

Wait a minute. How did you get a reservation?

You have to book it six months in advance.

I made a couple of calls. All right?

I knew you were stressed out,

And I wanted to see you unwind.

Oh, michael.

Sometimes you can be such a pain the butt.

You can -- you really, really, really, really,

Really, like, really --

Get to the compliment.

...really can.

But, michael, this time you have outdone yourself.

I've always wanted to go to a spa.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Figured you could do that house thing to me.

It only works on witches.

I got a broom.

That'll work. That'll work.

[ Squeals, laughs ]

Hey, you sure about the curse?

Yeah, michael. I'm positive.

Okay, I'm just asking. It's a $600 room.

I understand that, michael, but so what if I did?

I mean, couldn't we just spoon?

For $600?

Whatever.

♪ Come on, let's ease on down, ease on down -- ♪

♪ The road ♪

Baby, you keep spoiling me like this,

You're gonna have to roll me to that spa.

Michael, I still can't believe

You're taking me to le chateau monet.

Le chateau monet?

Hey, has that place been bothering you guys, too?

Oh, boy, what are you talking about?

Oh, no, they called here a week ago,

Asking to speak to michael kyle.

So I told them, "this is michael kyle,"

Because that's the name you gave me when I was born, remember?

Yeah, yeah, I remember. Continue.

So, they were calling to confirm a reservation

For saturday night.

Well, I told them I didn't need any reservation

At any chateau monet.

I mean, why would I need to stay in a nice, luxurious hotel

When I have a bed in the garage?

You said all that?

I said more. Here's the kicker.

Here's the kicker, baby. We about to get kicked.

Yeah, I'm gonna kick ya. You ready?

Okay, I told them to cancel the reservation --

No! Cancel the reservation?

Cancel the champag-ne --

Not the champagne!

Cancel the champag-ne, the double symphony massage --

I don't get a massage?

And the romantic dinner on the beach with the violinist

Because I don't like no damn violins.

I like violins.

Well, I don't. You know what I like?

I like hip-hop. Ha ha!

And they said they canceled,

But they still have to charge me a $300 cancellation fee?

You know what I told them? I told them, "bring it on,

Because I don't even have a credit card, you dummy!"

[ Laughs ] dummy! Ha ha!

Dummy.

Dumm--

Just go. Go.

Michael, do we need to call the hotel or something?

I'm doing it right now.

Ooh, that boy. Oh, that boy.

Hello? Yeah, this is michael kyle.

[ Chuckling ] there seems to be

A really funny misunderstanding.

See, what hap-- hello?

Hello?

Well, dummy sure made an impression on them.

Thanks for trying, baby.

I really do appreciate your effort anyway, okay?

Some time alone would have been nice.

Sure would have.

Light!

Ouch.

[ Chuckles ] what is all this?

[ French accent ] welcome to le chateau monet,

Fromage, chardonnay, bastille, eiffel tower,

French fry de kyle.

A reservation has just opened up

After the children vacated their rooms,

Freeing up the chateau for an evening of fun...

And merriment.

Michael, did you just get rid of the kids?

Oui-oui.

Ooh...

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Junior is with, how do you say, ze pregnant girl,

And the other kids are with their grandparents,

Which means, "goodbye, see you later, au revoir.

[ Imitating "the godfather" ] "arrivederci...

[ Japanese accent ] sayonara."

[ French accent ] we are all alone.

Now, uh, that must have cost you a pretty penny.

Yes, it was worth every franc.

I mean, how do you put a price on love?

Or as the french say, "on love?"

[ Chuckles ]

Ooh, you are a brilliant man.

And handsome, no, yes, no, little bit cute?

[ French accent ] no, handsome and...

Well, now you shut your face and kiss my mouth.

Mmm.

Wait, I want to kiss you like pepé le pew,

All over the body.

[ Laughs]

Wait a minute.

What is on the agenda tonight, monsieur michel kyle?

That is a good question.

I thought we'd start the evening

With a nice, romantic dinner.

The oven has a roast presently simmering.

Ooh.

And I turned off all the phones

So that we will not be disturbed

While we play a naughty parlor game...

[ Growls ] ...of your choosing.

Perhaps... Knocking ze boots?

[ Laughs ]

[ Normal voice ] do I have time to take a bath?

Yes, you can soak it in a hot tub

Until it rises to the top like little dumplings.

And I will swoop them out with my tongue.

[ Cackles ]

[ Squealing ] I'm gonna take a bath!

Yes, yes, go, go.

In the meantime, I will check my meat.

Oh, dear god. Not the curse.

Not the curse!

Michael!

What's wrong?

Michael, I can't turn this thing off!

Oh, that's all? I thought you had the curse.

No, I think this thing is cursed.

The faucet is broke. The stopper won't --

Let me try.

Let me try. Let me try.

Whoops. You're right.

Michael, in a few minutes, we're gonna be flooded.

Can you go down to the backyard and turn off the main valve?

Right -- here.

By the way...

You look beautiful.

Really? Thank you.

Now go!

[ Grunts ] there.

Ow!

Ohh!

Ah -- aah. Ooh.

Ooh! Michael.

Aah! Michael.

Eee! Just stay.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Well, we're not off to a very auspicious start,

Are we?

I know, but the night is young, baby.

Look, these are just minor setbacks.

As soon as my head stops bleeding

And my hand stops throbbing,

Our romantic night is underway, okay?

Well, I'm ready when you are.

Okay. Look... I'm ready, too.

I don't want anything else to spoil our evening.

Well, let me slip into something a little more comfortable.

Oh, really? Wait, can I give you another kiss?

Right here, I see something.

Right there? You see something?

Ooh! [ Laughs ]

Aah! What is that noise?

Aw, it's tommy with the damn drums again.

Michael, how are you gonna plan a romantic evening

And not pay off tommy the tone deaf drummer?

I'm sorry, I forgot. I'll take care of it.

You go upstairs and slip into something

That I can slip off real easily.

[ Cackles ]

Tommy!

Tommy!

Tommy!

Tommy: what?

Could you stop beating those drums, please?

Don't you mock me, boy.

Hey, I'm not kidding with you.

[ Chuckling ] all right, look. Look.

You know what?

I'll give you $10 if you stop making that noise.

All right, $20.

$30!

$50, But that's as high as I'm gonna go.

All right, I'll give you $100.

I'm trying to have a romantic night with my wife.

Just stop the drums.

$100 Over the wall.

[ Sighs ]

Tommy!!

Just kidding.

Why, don't you look sexy.

[ Chuckles ] what do you call that thing?

This is my new corset.

They only had one left in my size -- tiny.

[ Cackles ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Cackles ]

[ Gasps ]

What's the matter?

I can't breathe!

What? I can't breathe!

Michael, I can't breathe! It's too tight!

It's too tight! Oh, god, I think I'm dying.

What do you want me to do?

Loosen the string! Loosen the string!

But you look so good!

I do?

Yeah.

Maybe I could get in a quickie first, huh? You think?

But I see the white light.

Oh, no, don't go to the light. Don't go to the light, baby.

Here, here, here you go.

[ Coughing ]

[ Gasping ]

You okay? You okay?

Oh, I thought I was dying.

Well, hey, you sure looked good going out.

I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

Get your breath on, because we're about to go upstairs

And get this party started.

Okay. All right, baby. I'm ready. You lead the way.

No, no. I want to do something better.

I want to carry you up.

You want to carry me?

Just like in the movies.

Just like in the movies.

One, two, three --

Whee!

Four, five, six.

Up, up, and away!

Seven, eight, nine.

Light as a feather.

Ohh, my back. Oh. I got back pain.

What?

Oh, the pain!

My back spasmed. A back spasm?

Well, how in the hell did you do that, michael?

I don't know.

Come on, michael. Come on. Just come on.

Here, I'll help you to the bedroom.

It hurts! It hurts! Ow.

[ Grunting ]

How's that?

[ Grunts ]

Is that good?

Oh, yeah, it's good, but it still hurts

In that one spot that won't quit.

Where is it, michael?

It's right here!

Right there? Okay, you know what?

I know what I'm gonna do for it.

I'm gonna stand on it like the little japanese lady.

No! No. No.

What?

Where are you going? Come back here, silly.

No, not the japanese lady.

Yeah, you may feel a little pressure. Ready?

Please, no -- [ groans ]

That means it's working.

Just let it sink in. Stop squirming.

I think I'm sinking in through the ground.

Oh, I see the light. I see the white light.

I'm coming to you, skeeter.

Listen, I'm gonna stand on it, all right?

Huh? Don't sta--

One, two, three...

Ease on down!

Hey.

How's that?

Look, baby. It worked.

See? I told you.

You fixed it.

I told you. Look at that.

♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

You cured it, baby.

And you're gonna benefit from all this movement.

Mmm.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

That sounds like tony.

♪ But in the game I lost you ♪

♪ What a price to pay ♪

No, no, no, just ignore him.

Ignore him? No, michael, I can't ignore him.

He sounds like a cat in heat.

Why is he doing this?

I'm not doing this until you get him to stop doing that.

[ Grunts ]

♪ Me-me-me-me-me ♪

♪ Me me me me me-ee ♪

♪ Oo-ooh, claire's my baby ♪

Ah! What are you doing?!

What are you doing?

I'm trying to win claire back. I think she broke up with me.

I've been calling her, like, 20 times since 4:00,

And she's not returning my phone calls.

That's because she's over at sheila's house.

Oh.

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh oh ♪ ♪ oh-oh-oh oh ♪

No!! No!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, the reason she hasn't called you back

Is because I unplugged all the phones

So I can have a romantic night with my wife.

Ew.

Oh!

Sorry.

Wait, so...

So, wait, claire hasn't broken up with me?

No.

It's a miracle.

Oh, thank the lord.

♪ Amazing grace, how sweet the sound ♪

Ohh! [ Coughing ]

Look, if you keep singing,

Then you're gonna be singing to the lord in person.

That's wrong.

Well, he's gone. [ Chuckles ]

Now, where were we?

I think we were about to go down a street around the corner

And step smack-dab into these.

Uh-oh. Hello, officer jay.

I think you'd better frisk me.

I may have a concealed weapon. Not there -- right here.

Ooh! I think that's against the law.

I'm gonna have to take you in.

And spank me? Uh-huh.

Wait, what is that?

I think something's on fire, michael!

Oh, my god. It's the roast. You stay here. I'll go get it.

Michael, wait!

Whoa, hey.

Come here. Oh, you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, all right. Where's the key?

Um, there is no key.

It's supposed to press this button,

And it's supposed to open.

Well, it's not opening.

I know it's not opening.

Is there a magic word? Let's see.

Abracadabra, abracazam!

Ollie, ollie, ollie, get off me!

Ugh!

Oh, okay, well, you know what? Just come with me.

Wait, michael, wait!

Wait!

You okay? [ High-pitched voice ] I'm okay.

Come on.

Oof, ow! What was that, a payback?

No, that wasn't a payback. That was a payback.

Oh, my god, michael!

Let's get it out of there.

[ Coughing ] [ coughing ]

Get the things -- oh, I can't...

Here.

Just throw it in there.

Turn on the water.

The water's off.

Here, pour the coffee in it. I'll pour this juice.

You got it.

Wow.

Whoo! Oh, my god!

What's going on here?

What are they doing?

Stand back! Move away from the fire!

It's okay, everything's under contr--

The door was open! Why did they do that?

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

I'm sorry that our romantic night

Turned into such a bust.

I really wanted it to be special.

Michael, it was special.

You want to know why it was so special?

The fact that my husband, my beautiful husband,

Still, after all these years,

Cares about romance and making his baby happy.

I love you so much, michael.

Not like I love you.

Cheers.

Seinfeld.

Mmm.

So you still want to --

Oh, no. I'm tired.

Oh, thank god.

Oh, baby, that was so much pressure.

I didn't --

Oh, I was gonna have to take a pill or something.

You're wonderful.

Oh, I love you, too.

Mmm.

♪ Claire's my baby ♪

Ah! What are you doing?!

I'm looking for my mark. That's what I'm doing.

Ah! It's right there! Ah! Aah!

What are you doing?!

[ Coughs ]

What are you doing?