Original subtitles

Good morning, baby. Good morning.

What's for breakfast?

Well, since I upset your stomach last night,

I decided to give you something that I know works --

Leftovers -- pizza, mu gu gai pan, and bacon.

That sounds terrific.

...all cooked up in an omelet.

That sounds horrible.

How many more days is your mother gonna be out of town?

Another week. A week?

That's 7 times 3 meals a day. That's 21 more toxic meals.

I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Dad, I'm in trouble.

Yeah, and if I eat this omelet, we're all gonna be in trouble.

No, I'm talking about my science class.

They expect me to write a paper on cold fusion.

When am I ever gonna need to know about cold fusion?

Look at me.

I'm pretty. Hello.

Pretty girls like me don't need to know about cold fusion.

Yeah, let the buck-toothed, ugly girls learn about cold fusion.

I mean, they're the ones

That's not gonna be affected by the radiation.

Right, you understand exactly.

Claire, being pretty is not an excuse.

What if you get into a car accident

And you mess up that pretty face?

Then I'll just comb my pretty hair over my scars,

Scabs, and keloids.

You got it all figured out, don't you?

Look, claire, they give you these science projects

To teach you how to think.

You have to read. You have to work.

You have to investigate.

You gotta use that mental muscle. Ow!

You see? You still got a soft spot.

You're supposed to fill that up with knowledge.

Being stupid never hurt anybody.

Hey, mike.

Calvin. What do I owe the displeasure?

[ Sniffing ]

Whoa, is that a pizza, mu gu gai pan,

Bacon omelet I smell?

It is, you got a nose like a bloodhound.

Man, these are hard to find.

You mind if I have a piece?

You can have the whole thing.

I'll go get you something to eat it with.

Oh, no need. I got my own utensils.

My lucky knife and fork.

You'd be amazed at how much food people give me

When they see me coming with these babies.

I bet they give you money, too.

Well, sometimes, but I don't eat that.

Quarters are hard to chew.

Okay, I'll remember that.

So, calvin, why are you here?

Well, mike, I need a job.

Well, I thought you were on disability.

Oh, not anymore.

The disability man found out my back got better.

How'd he find that out?

I threw him over a fence when he accused me of faking.

Gee, calvin, I wish I could help you out,

But right now, we just don't have --

Oh, there's got to be something, mike!

Honestly, we're all staffed --

Oh, think deep, mike, think!

I mean, really --

You're not thinking, mike!

You know what?

Something just opened up on the loading dock.

Hmm, the loading dock. What would I be doing?

Loading.

You know I got a bad back.

No, you don't.

Oh, you know, that's right.

I've been saying it so long, I almost believed it.

[ Laughs mockingly ]

Well, you know, mike,

I was thinking more of a managerial position.

Is that what you was thinking, management?

Vice-president -- how does that sound?

Hmm. Vice-president? Yeah.

Wait a minute, hold on. V.p. Of the l.d.

Oh, I like the sound of that, mike.

When do I start? 9:00 Sharp tomorrow morning.

Oh, 9:00? That's not gonna work for me.

Why not?

I'm not a morning person.

Morning makes me evil, angry, and aggressive!

It triggers that short fuse to my violent temper!

Did I say 9:00?

No, vice-presidents start at 11:30.

Oh, that's still early.

Well, then, calvin, what time do you want to come in?

Well, let's see.

I gotta have breakfast, work out,

Have breakfast number two, work out.

Then I gotta have a number two

To get rid of breakfast number one.

And then it's nap time

'Cause you know those number twos take a lot out of you.

[ Laughs ]

So how's about 4:45?

Calvin, we punch out at --

That's perfect. I'll see you tomorrow.

So, if you don't mind, I like to eat alone.

In my own house? Yeah.

You want a sip? Do you mind?

Yeah, I do.

You did what?

I gave calvin a job.

Why?! Lord, why?!

Why, lord, why?!

Because he was desperate,

And the man was eating an omelet with a machete.

What was I supposed to do?

Anything but hire him. He hates me.

Why would he hate you?

All you did was get his teenage daughter pregnant

And rob her of her innocence and promising future.

Exactly, and I don't think it's smart for me to be around him.

You're right, son. You're fired.

Thank you. Problem solved.

Hey, hey, hey.

If I get fired, then I don't get paid,

And if I don't get paid, I can't support vanessa and the baby,

And calvin will just kill me anyway.

I might as well just stay here and die.

At least I'll get paid.

Look, he's only doing a 15-minute workday.

What kind of trouble could he get in on the loading dock?

Boss, there's trouble on the loading dock.

[ Grunting ]

He looks like he's working hard to me.

I can't find larry.

Well, where is he? Calvin, have you seen larry?

You talking about the fella who kept telling me to slow down?

I ain't seen him since I loaded the first refrigerator.

Larry: [ strained voice ] help me, mr. Kyle.

Get me out of here. Can't breathe.

You didn't use the lucky knife and fork, did you?

My femur is crushed.

Larry, where are you?

Under the first refrigerator. Help me.

I hurt.

Calvin, you gotta get the man outta there.

Okay, calm down.

Whoops, quittin' time.

I'll get him first thing tomorrow at 4:45 p.m.

I can't feel my body.

Calvin, don't punch --

Look, you gotta get the man from underneath the boxes.

Are you offering me overtime on my first day?

No, I'm asking you to save somebody's life.

Well, I wonder what kind of value he places on his life.

I'll give you $100.

Ooh, $100. [ Chuckles ]

He must have low self-esteem.

$200, But that's all I've got.

Calvin, I'll give you $300, huh? $300.

Just get him out of there, here.

Okay, well, let me count it first.

It's $300, trust me.

Let's make sure it's right.

$100...

Calvin!!

Okay, all right, okay. Calm down.

Just hurry.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean -- I just was --

[ Grunting ]

Aah!

Man overboard!

Thank you!

Franklin!

If it isn't my favorite person in the whole, wide world.

Cut the malarkey. What do you want?

Okay, I have a problem that only you can help me with.

What is it?

I have to write a paper for my science class.

Well, I hope you're not looking for help

From the charlatans who published this rag.

They plagiarized huge sections of my thesis on solar flares.

Solar flares -- now, that's the kind of thing I need.

You know a lot about this stuff, huh?

Have you actually ever looked at your science book?

Not really.

"Dr. Franklin aloysius mumford received his phd

In particle physics from harvard university."

Hey, that's you!

That's right. You're a genius.

Can you please help me?

Indeed, but only if it's something innovative and fresh.

It's my penultimate challenge.

Yes, penultimate.

And what does "penultimate" mean?

It's your word. Don't you know?

I'm just trying to gauge how high this hill is.

What hill?

The one between you and knowledge.

Look, all I know is I have to write a paper for science

About cold fusion, and I have no idea what that is.

Now, can you please help me, professor mumford?

For your future sister-in-law?

Certainly.

Let's get to work.

This sure is a flattering picture, don't you think?

So what are we gonna do about calvin?

I'm thinking about cutting his workday in half.

I mean, what can you do in 7 1/2 minutes?

Well, I got vanessa pregnant.

That accounts for the 1/2 minute.

What did you do with the other 7?

Recuperate.

He's not gonna get in trouble where I put him.

Bad news -- he got in trouble where you put him.

Put me down. Put -- put me down.

Look, kazaam, put me down.

Calvin, put mr. Wedgie down.

I would like to, mr. Kyle, but I don't know where.

I don't see the sign.

Some idiot put up a pick-up sign

And failed to put up a put-down sign.

It's a good thing he didn't see the "loading in rear" sign.

We'll get you down, little fella.

Here, hey, calvin. Calvin.

But that's where I picked him up.

Okay. Here.

Put him down right here, see?

Here you go, little fella. There you go.

Okay, thank you for your patronage.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

[ Chuckles ] you're welcome.

Whoops. That's quittin' time for me.

Whoo! Another day, another dollar.

This job is almost easy as disability.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Dad, what are we gonna do?

I don't know,

But you've just been promoted to head of personnel.

Oh, that's great. What do I do?

You get to hire people.

And you get to fire people.

Whoa, now, that's power.

Now go fire calvin!

Okay, but I have to fire somebody else first. Who?

The new head of personnel.

He's getting smarter.

It's about being courageous, son.

You just gotta be courageous.

No, you don't. Yeah.

Look, okay, let's just change the subject.

Are you sure you don't want to take the job

As head of personnel?

The offer's still on the table.

I'm not firing calvin, dad.

Fine, I'll do it myself, punk.

All right, roll up the windows, lock the doors.

Locked.

Unwrap the bacon sandwich. That's gonna attract him.

Here we go, here we go.

Aaahh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

I didn't think it would come that fast.

Calvin!

Calvin!

Get over here, look.

Calvin, you're fired! You're fired!

Go home, we don't need you. Pack your stuff and get out.

Fired.

Hold on, hold on.

I didn't hear you. What did you say?

[ Whimpering ]

I said -- I said you're -- you're tired,

And you need a bacon break.

Oh, you're the greatest, boss.

A bacon break and quittin' time all in one.

This is a good job!

Oh -- oh, by the way,

Tomorrow I'm gonna talk to you about a raise.

Huh? I can't hear, I'm sorry.

I said, "I want to talk to you about a raise."

Roll down the window.

Put the window down.

I said, "tomorrow I want to talk to you about a raise."

Okay. Don't forget your bacon.

Aah! My finger!

♪ Kady, kady, little star ♪

♪ I'm gonna buy you a house and a car ♪

♪ Surround you with fur, diamonds, and pearls ♪

♪ Because you are my spe-e-e-cial girl ♪

♪ Kady, kady, little star ♪

♪ We're gonna go, oh, so far ♪

Take it away, kady.

♪ Franklin, franklin, you're my honey ♪

♪ Because you'll give me all your monies ♪

You little gold digger!

"A" plus! "A" plus! I did it! I did it!

You did it?

Well, we did it.

We did it? Okay, you did it.

Congratulations to me.

There's only one problem.

The teachers wanna do a "q" and "a" with me.

That is a problem. In fact, it's a disaster.

Why?

Because her teachers want to question her about cold fusion,

And she will have none of the answers.

Oh, my god.

How are we gonna handle this?

We? No way.

I refuse to be a part of this.

Come on, franklin. No.

Kady, talk to him.

I get all your lipsticks. Deal.

Franklin aloysius mumford, help her.

Of course, dear.

Okay, here's what we do...

I'm gonna fire that man tomorrow.

I hope so, I can't stand living in fear like this.

I was up all night

Getting every trace of bacon out of this house.

What's that noise? Don't you play with me.

Is he here? No. No, listen.

There.

Franklin: ...electrochemically charged palladium cells

Rests on reports of excessive heat,

Or more precisely, excess power.

Or more precisely, excess power.

Next question.

Next question.

What are you doing? Jumpin' jehosaphat!

Jumpin' jehosaphat!

Oh, hi, mr. Kyle. What an unexpected pleasure.

Yeah, little jehosaphat. Who's on that walkie-talkie?

What walkie-talkie? The one in your hand.

Where'd this come from?

I don't know, but let me see.

Claire: so what you're asking is,

"Are the power levels themselves being accurately measured,

"And are they, in fact,

Satisfying the chemical assumptions made?"

Good question.

Let me think about that answer.

I said, "let me think about that answer."

What's going on?

He's answering questions for claire, who's at school.

Wow. Imagine if franklin would have answered questions for me

When I was in school.

Then I wouldn't have graduated at the bottom of my class.

That's right, you would have graduated

At the top of the bottom of your class.

Upper lower third, yeah! Ha ha!

Dum-dum in the house!

That's me! Ha ha!

It's not my fault.

Kady asked me to do it, and I can't say no to her.

She's bewitching.

Her smile ignites my soul and makes me think of angels.

Oh, shut up.

Okay, I'm gonna deal with this girl right now.

[ Imitating franklin ] and the answer to the question is...

Okay, the answer to that question is onga wonga binga.

Okay, the answer to the question

"Are the power levels themselves being accurately measured

"And if, in fact, they're being satisfied

By the chemical assumptions being made" is...

When pigs fly out of my butt.

When pigs fly out of my butt.

Next question.

How'd that go over?

[ Normal voice ] oh, this is great.

The answer to that question is I have on headphones,

And I'm cheating right now.

I'm so stupid, I'm just parroting every word I'm saying.

[ Laughing ]

Man, I'm dumb.

Oh, hi, dad.

Okay.

My dad said to tell you that I'm a big, cheating phony

Who deserves an "f".

Thank you and good night.

[ Laughing ] oh, this is good.

This is fabulous.

Welcome to calvin's mmm! Bacon rotisserie,

Where we spell bacon mmm-bacon.

Hey, hey, hey. What are you selling here?

Oh, I got every kind of bacon you can think of, mike.

Bacon strips, bacon cakes, bacon pot pie, bacon beans,

Canadian bacon, mexican bacon,

Bacon brownie, shish ke-bacon, and steak-on.

That's the steak wrapped in the bacon.

Would you like to try one?

Uh, no thanks. I don't eat pork.

That's why we have an alternative -- veggie-acon.

Tastes like bacon. Mmm, mmm, mmm, but it's not.

Hey, this actually does taste like bacon.

It really is. I just say it isn't.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, folks, calvin's bacon ro--

That's mmm! Bacon rotisserie.

Calvin's mmm! Bacon rotisserie is officially closed.

Please go back to mmm! Work.

What's the problem, boss?

Calvin, you cannot run a business out of my business.

Sure I can.

I got my bacon-handling certificate.

Plus, I'm only working 15 minutes a day here.

I got plenty of time.

It's not about the time. It's about principle.

I'm not selling principle. I'm selling bacon.

If you say bacon one more time, I'm gonna --

You're gonna what?

I'm gonna have another piece of this veggie-acon.

Mmm.

Tastes like bacon.

Look, calvin, this is the last straw.

I'm sorry, I don't know how to say this, but you're fired.

I'm -- I'm fired?

You mean, like go home, pack it up, get it on, and kick rocks?

Yes.

[ Crying ]

Are you crying?

No. No, no. That's just some bacon in my eye.

No, those are tears. You're crying.

All right. You're right, it's tears.

That's just the way of my life.

I don't blame you for firing me.

I'm just no good!

Calvin, don't say that, okay?

You are, you're a good guy.

Look, calvin, it's not that you're no good, it's just --

[ Blows nose ]

Oh, my god.

Look, calvin, all right --

Now I know why the veggie-acon was so salty.

Look, calvin, if you really want to stay here and work with me

And learn from me, I'm willing to let you keep your job.

Really, mike? You'd do that for me?

Yes.

You're the best.

I'm really happy that we're gonna still be working together.

Well, me too.

So if there's anything I can do for you right now,

You just name it.

Why don't you move that truck for me, all right?

I'm gonna go get you the key.

I can't seem to find the key.

Hold on, let me get the front.

Are you sure you don't want to take the job

As head of personnel?

The offer's still on the table.

I'm not firing calvin, dad.

Fine, I'll do it myself, punk.

All right, unwrap the bacon.

That's gonna attract him.

You see him anywhere?

No.

Okay, roll up your windows before you do the bacon.

Doors are locked.

Door locked? All right.

Okay, so this is the stuff that we're never gonna make the show.

Of course not.

I've been in editing before.