Original subtitles

You know what I decided I'm gonna do this weekend?

I'm just gonna watch some football and play a little golf.

Well, I want to work in the yard.

Tony and I are going to a church picnic.

I'm gonna try to blow up kady's basketball with my lips.

Why?

[ Stammering ]

Why ask why?!

Why did we put men on the sun?

Why do women have babies instead of men?

You know, why do flies fly

But an elephant don't elephant?

Answer me that, mr. "Ask why" man.

You know, I stand corrected.

You go ahead and blow up kady's basketball

And we're gonna support you.

Okay.

Blow! Blow! Blow!

You can do it, junior! Blow! Blow!

Blow! Blow! Blow!

Go! Yes! You can do it! Yes!

So, kady, what are you doing for this weekend?

Not playing basketball.

[ Panting ] hey, guys...

Did I do it?

[ Knock on door ]

Wonder who that could be?

Thank, babe.

Oh, god, it's him.

It's calvin. Just stand still.

And just pretend we're not here.

Maybe he'll go away.

Hey! I can see you!

You moved!

I didn't!

You moved!

Oh, calvin! We didn't know it was you, calvin!

Yeah, you did! You said it was calvin!

And then you said, "stand still, don't make a sound.

Maybe he'll go away."

Is that what --

You might have said --

Yeah, you did. I got a good rememberer.

You mean a memory?

No, I said a rememberer.

Yes, a rememberer. I will rememberer that.

So, look, calvin, is everything all right?

No. I had a fight with jasmine.

Is she okay?

Oh, she's fine.

I'm the one in pain. She bit me.

You got any spare rabies shots laying around?

Spare -- what did they --

Uh, no, we don't. We used them all.

Okay, um, why don't you join us for dinner.

By the time we...finish eating, maybe she would've calmed down.

Oh, I doubt it.

The last time this happened, she kicked me out for a month.

Well, look, we're really sorry to hear about you and your wife,

And we really wish there was something we could...do.

I'm glad you asked.

He just spit on the floor.

I saw his spit on my clean --

What's that, your lunchbox?

Oh, no. That's my suitcase.

Why does he have a suitcase?

You tell me! What the --

This one's my lunchbox. Heh heh heh.

I'm on a special diet.

I only can eat raw meat.

What -- what is that?

Shut up!

Shut up!

I said calm down.

Michael, get rid of him and that thing in his suitcase!

It's your fault! You invited him to dinner.

Oh, don't worry. It'll just be for a couple of days.

Where's your guest room?

Calvin, we don't have a guest room.

Oh, that's all right. I'll just crash in the room

With the giant-screen tv.

But that's michael's world.

Heh heh! Now it's michael and calvin's world.

Calvin, I really don't think this is a good idea, man.

Oh, don't worry. I'll be fine.

That is what you meant, isn't it?

Um...yeah, that's what -- of course that's what I meant.

You know, 'cause any man that turns away family --

Whoa, heh heh -- I'll have to kill him.

Man, I'm exhausted.

You're exhausted? We're all exhausted.

That man snores like a bear!

I think he ate one, too. I heard growling last night.

Michael, you've gotta do something about calvin.

It's too late. I threw a whole ham out in the street.

The man didn't even blink.

Apparently, he likes the thrill of the kill.

Whoa, good morning! Ooh, are these waffles?

Yeah, would you like some?

Oh, thank you, mike.

I thought you only ate meat?

Waffles are meat.

What -- did -- really?

What, do they come from the bird family?

No, they come from the horse family.

The waffalo.

The waffa-who?

The waffalo, like the buffalo.

They're the descendants of the waffldactyl.

That's it.

Waffldile skin.

Bread is meat, too.

Heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh!! Aah! Aah!

So, calvin, how long are you staying?

Oh, I'll be here a while.

Oh, you gonna eat that fruit?

Help yourself.

Look, calvin, we really love having you here, but --

You know, you are good people.

And any man that turns away family...

Ohh, I hate them...

Kill that man.

Jay? Would you get the man some more waffles?

You see the stack is getting low.

Why don't I get some juice

So he can wash down this waffle meat?

Michael, I need to talk to you in the living room!

Michael! We have got to get that man out of this house!

At this rate, we'll be out of food by the end of the day!

That's it! No food! He'll leave!

No! The kids will starve!

It's okay, we'll get rid of the weak ones

And then strengthen the herd, like the waffalos.

What?!

I don't know!

Kady: no, calvin, that's mine!

What is going on in here?!

Calvin ate my crayon!

Mmm!

Blue!

What's wrong with you?

Oh, you talking to me?

No. Kady, what's wrong with you coloring at the table?

I'm done now.

Claire, can you take your sister upstairs

While calvin finishes eating?

Sure, it's not like there's anything left.

Look, calvin...

You think maybe after you finish eating -- everything --

That we could take a walk and talk about your situation?

We can go to the zoo and look at some wafflroos

And...some wafflgators and stuff.

Thanks, mike, but I like it here with my new family.

Whoa.

For later. Heh heh heh heh!

Gotta get out of here. See you later.

Mommy, daddy! I'm scared!

Oh, baby, it's just a little lightning.

Don't worry about it.

Nothing to be afraid of, sweetheart.

All right.

Whoa! Ohh ohh!

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

Aaaaaaah!

Hold me! I'm scared, mike!

Where you going?! Don't leave me, jay!

Ohh!

Michael, I want this man out of my house today!

He spooned me, jay.

Not tomorrow, not next week,

But today, michael! Today!

Oh, sure, it's easy for you to say.

You fell on the floor, bumped your head, and got away.

I thought if I stayed out of jail,

I would make it through this life unblemished.

I guess I was wrong.

You know what?

If you put it off any longer,

It'll only get worse.

You're right. I gotta talk to him.

We're out of chunky vanilla swirl.

Okay, I'll put that on the list with the rabies shots

And maybe some bacterial ointment.

Look, calvin...

I want to talk to you about your situation with jasmine.

Now, I have a lot of experience with women,

Maybe not as much as you,

But it's always nice to hear the other point of view.

Well...

Maybe you're right.

You mind if I sit down?

Oh, I'm comfortable.

Okay, then I'll just stand.

Okay, let's just cut right to the chase.

What is the problem... Uh, with you and jasmine?

Well, she's yappy.

Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.

Well, they're all like that.

But see, there's a trick.

The trick is to pretend that you're listening to them

When you're really thinking about

Whatever it is you like to think about.

Oh, I think about chasing squirrels.

You do?

I love squirrels. Oh! See? There he goes.

Got you! Oh, I got you!

Heh heh heh! Oh, go on and touch him.

Oh, ain't he cute?

Now, go and tell your family calvin set you free.

Go -- oh! Too slow! Too slow!

Heh heh heh heh! Go on, get in there. Go.

You know, that's really nice, calvin.

I see why you and squirrels like each other.

Well, there's a technique that I've mastered

Being with jay.

See, that woman -- she can talk.

I took her away for a week

And she talked to me for three days straight.

And right when I was about to strangle that woman,

An idea came to my mind.

See, I realized that every 6,000 or so words,

She'd have to stop to take a breath.

And that's when I say, "hmm, is that right?"

Even though I don't know what she's talking about.

Now, I want to teach you

How to employ this same technique on jasmine.

Oh, okay.

All right, good, good.

Now, I'll be jasmine.

Who will I be?

You'll be calvin.

Oh, ho! That's good, 'cause -- heh heh --

I am calvin.

Well, what do ya know?

All right, now, I'm gonna start talking,

And when I stop, I want you to say, "hmm, is that right?"

Hmm, is that right? No, not yet.

Hmm, is that right?

No, wait until I point to you, like this.

Hmm, is that right?

Oh, you're just a quick learner.

All right, now.

[ Imitating jasmine ] calvin,

I want you to take out this trash.

I'm sick and tired of trash being all around the house.

You don't do nothing round here.

If it was up to you, we'd be living in a trash house.

Hmm, is that right?

[ Normal voice ] perfect!

Hmm, is that right?

No, no, you can stop now.

Hmm, is that right?

No, it's over.

Oh! What? What?

The little fella wants to come out.

Oh, look at him! He's so cute.

Yeah. Okay.

Look...

Here, kiss him. No, kiss him.

[ Smooches ]

[ Spitting ]

Look, calvin...

I know that deep down -- me and the squirrel know --

That deep down inside your heart, you miss jasmine.

So what I'm proposing is that me, you, jasmine, and jay --

And the squirrel, if you want --

Sit down and have a meal together in a safe environment

Where you can practice your listening technique.

Hmm, is that right?

You wasn't listening to me?

Heh heh heh -- just kidding.

I heard everything.

Good.

Oh, he's trying to say something to you.

What's he trying to say?

"Hmm, is that right?"

[ Laughs ]

All right, here's the deal.

Anytime I think you're making a conversational error,

I'm gonna signal you, okay?

How?

I'm do something subtle, like I'll take a sip of wine.

Just a little sip.

Oh, that's good.

Now are you ready to do this? I'm ready.

Let's go. Let's go.

Ugh!

I'm cool. Okay.

Are you all right?

I'm all right.

Hey, well, looky here.

Four soon-to-be grandparents having dinner together.

Isn't that great? Yeah.

I suppose it's as nice as it can be under the circumstances,

Considering as how calvin and I are estranged at the moment.

What? [ Slurping ]

I mean, um, hmm, is that right?

Yes, right. And you know it's right.

You know, jay, this is a nice house.

I had hopes that calvin and I would have a nice house

Like this someday,

But you can't buy a nice house on disability.

We could if you get a job.

[ Slurping ]

I mean, um, hmm, is that right?

You know damn well it's right.

You know, jay, after I had vanessa,

Girl, you know I had all those irreversible reverberations

To my constitution.

[ Slurping ]

Well, I will always love you for giving me vanessa.

Oh, well, that's sweet. That was sweet.

Wasn't that sweet?

That was sweet.

I'm just glad you stop yapping long enough to hear it.

[ Slurping ]

I sure do love the rain.

Me, too.

[ Slurring ] rain's nice.

Calvin, you remember when we used to lay in bed and cuddle

And listen to the rain?

Yeah, I remember your hard, scratchy feet.

[ Slurring ] okay, that's it.

You are officially the dumbest man on the planet.

Michael!

No! Shh! Shh! I'm drunk.

There's not enough grapes in the whole of italy

To help this man.

Michael!

No, I thought junior was dumb.

Michael, if you don't --

We tried, baby. We tried.

We tried. We tried.

But you take dumb to a whole big, buff level.

That's right, I said it.

I said it.

Now you put this in your remember-ery --

You are an idiot!

Hmm, is that right?

No, no, don't play the game with me.

I know the trick.

Hmm, is that right?

I give up. I give up.

You know, this man is an idiot.

I don't even have to look at him.

Hmm, is that --

Hmm, is that --

Hmm, is that -- hmm, is that --

Hmm, is that --

Hmm, is that right?

Yes, the man's an idiot!

[ Scoffs ] who are you calling an idiot?

Him.

Hmm, is that right?

I'll have you know

My calvin is the finest man I've ever known.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Ooh. Let's go home.

Yes, all right!

Jay, girl, thank you.

You're welcome. All right.

My man. Okay, girl.

Get out of here!

Now I should have snapped your ass in half,

But you did bring me and jasmine back together,

So I'm gonna let you live.

Hmm, is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

Where did he go? He's gone.

Yeah, get out of here, and take this damn squirrel with you!

You see, jay, it was all part of the master plan.

I guess all's well that ends well.

I don't know why you had to drink so much, michael.

We could get back to normal,

The kids could get back to normal.

Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

What did you say to me?

What? What was that?

What part of "blah-blah-blah-blah-blah,"

Don't you understand, jay?

Let me put it another way.

Yapety-yap, yap, yap, yap.

Jay won't shut her trap.

Oh-oh!

I cannot believe what I am hearing right now.

You know why?

Because you don't listen.

You don't listen to me.

Oh, I don't listen to you, huh?

You don't hear what I got to say.

I'm gonna hear what you got to say now.

Have a seat. I don't mind if I do.

Just have a seat then.

Have another drink, too,

'Cause I'm gonna hear what you got to say.

Now, I wouldn't say this without alcohol.

I want you to know

What I really feel, jay,

'Cause I need to open up.

I want to start with your bald-headed mama.

How does her wig get a bald spot?

In the front, jay.

She got alopecia in the wig.

And then, the breath.

What's with that breath?

Seven bad teeth --

You figure it's time to go to the dentist

When you only got eight.

I need another drink

So I can really express myself.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Ooh! Who the heck is this?!

Ooh!

Oh.

Hi, jasmine.

Hey, calvin, it's your friend, michael.

Calvin: mmm? Is that right?

Look like he got drunk, had a fight with his wife,

Got thrown out the house, need a place to stay.

Hmm, is that right?

You know what, michael?

I don't think he's really listening to me.

Wonder where he learned that from.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, I thought junior was dumb.

And he's dumb. He is.

Michael...

But you take dumb

To a whole other big, buff level.

That's it.

So, sue me.

I said it.

I said it.

There. It's out in the open, and we all know.

Do I got a line?

Yes.

[ Laughs ]

But you take dumb to a whole big, buff level.

Uh...

What's that line, again?

[ Laughs ]

That's the thing about drinking.

...thank you.

I put it by my mem-mem-memory.

You put this in your rememory.

Hmm, is that right?

Okay, this is just...

This is some strong stuff.

You...

Put this in your memory.

In the memory.

In your memory, all right.

Just gets harder.

It's...

We'll take it from "yap, yapety-yap."

Take it. Take five.

So, there's not enough grapes in italy.

Then you are officially...

No, this is...

What is this?

No, after, after...

Yeah, right...

And the remem-remem-- thank you.

[ Smooches ]