Original subtitles

Last time on my wife and kids...

I really love being a parent,

But it's gonna be so wonderful once they leave home.

Which one of them are you gonna miss the least?

[ Hip-hop music ]

Claire and I have decided to have sexual intercourse.

You son of a--

Michael!

Daddy wants you to show me exactly what you did in that bathroom.

No! No! Not--

[ Celtic music playing ]

What the hell is wrong with this boy?!

I've decided to go to college.

Jay: baby!

And guess what? I've already been accepted at two schools!

Oh!

Yeah, well, there's no question about it--

Junior has given us the most trouble.

And the most laughs.

The boy's got a good heart.

He got a hard-ass head, though.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

[ Whistling ]

Ow!

[ Whistles ]

Ow!

What was that for?

I just like the way that sounds.

[ Both laugh ]

Good times, good stuff.

Okay, so you're not looking forward

To having the house to yourself.

You think the kids are gonna be here forever?

Uh...no.

Michael, do you know how often you say, "uh...no"?

Uh...no. Uh...no.

Uh...no.

Uh...

No.

Uh...

No!

Hold on. I'm coming, I'm coming.

Uh...no.

Hold this.

Uh...no.

[ Cell phone rings ]

Hello?

Uh...no.

Uh...

No.

Uh... Uh...

Uh... Uh...

Uh... Uh...

No. No.

Uh... Uh-huh.

Uh... Well...

Bring it, bring it, bring it.

Uh...uh...uh...no.

Did you just say, "uh...uh...

Bring it, bring it, bring it.

Uh...uh...uh...no"?

Uh...

Uh...uh...

Uh...

Uh...uh...uh...

Uh...uh...uh...uh... Uh...uh...uh...uh...

Uh...no.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, so I have a minor glitch--a verbal tick.

What about you?

What about me?

Oh, you have a couple of flaws, too, now.

Flaws? Like what?

Well, first of all, you're obsessed with your weight,

You're overly competitive, you're moody, emotional,

And sometimes you break into song and dance

For no apparent reason.

Did you just call me fat?

Who likes chocolate?

Me, me, me, me!

Mom, your diet! Your diet!

Aah! Aah!

I've missed you!

Aah!

Sorry, baby. You all right?

Yeah, I'm cool. I'm cool.

Give me a big hug! Give me a hug!

Oh, god! I missed you so much!

Come on.

[ Both laughing ]

Honey, are you coming to bed?

I'm waiting for you.

Oh, yeah, baby, I'll be there in a minute.

You just keep my side warm.

I'll do better than that. I'll make it hot.

You lucky dog!

Honey...

When you coming to bed?

Oh, in about an hour.

Sometimes, michael,

You just got to grab them by the shoulders,

Look them lovingly in the eye, then shake them real hard

And say, "hey, you're acting like a nut!"

I know I was right about that stock.

Every instinct in my body

Tells me they sold that stock too soon.

You know the p/e ratio on that stock?

What's a p/e ratio?

Shut up! You're just like him.

You're bald and male.

Baby, I'm sorry.

Oh, I bet you are sorry.

Oh, you're sorry, huh?

Sorry I'm here now to cook and clean for you

And wait on you hand and foot.

I bet you're sorry, huh? You happy about that, michael?

You happy? You happy, michael, happy?

Well, you know -- shut up!

Will you stop interrupting me?

I do not want your answers. I don't want you to fix this.

I just want to yell for a while!

Is that all right with you?

I'm talking to you! I don't know what to say!

[ Screaming ]

Thanks, baby.

Why am I eating this? I don't want this.

I set kady up 50 times-- 50 times, baby.

She couldn't get the ball into the net once.

Well, maybe you had a good goalie.

There was no goalie.

Where should I put this stuff, mom?

"Where should I put this stuff, mom?

Where should I put this stuff, mom?"

Did you detangle your net? Did you count your knee guards?

Did you even wash your balls?

I think maybe you are pushing the kids a little too hard.

Miss wiggins is right.

What, you taking sides now?

No, I'm just saying--

What, you miss wiggins' man now?

You mr. Wiggins?

No.

What, you want to go home with miss wiggins?

All I'm saying is that this insatiable drive to win

Is what's tearing apart our society.

Come on. Let's go outside.

Let's take it outside. Show me what you got.

I'm not looking for a fight, but, you know--

Oh, well, you done found one.

She done found one.

[ Gasps ]

[ Crying ] oh, my baby!

Why are you crying again?

This is the sixth dress I've tried on.

Every time I come out, you burst into tears.

Oh, because, baby, you look so beautiful.

You remind me of what I would look like

If I'd have gone to my prom.

Hey, you're acting like a nut!

Whoo! That is my song!

Yeah, baby! Come on, let's boogie.

All right, kids. Everybody form a soul train.

Oh, my god.

[ Whooping ]

Two nonstudents are this year's prom king and queen--

Claire kyle's parents, michael and jay.

[ Screaming ]

Prom queen!

Aah! We won!

I'm the queen!

Oh! Oh, my god!

Get out of my way! It's my time to shine!

♪ Mustang sally ♪

♪ Mustang sally ♪

♪ Ow! Uh-huh ♪

♪ Guess you'd better slow your mustang down ♪

♪ Slow it down, slow it down ♪

Kids, grammy deserves better.

Come on.

Get involved for grammy.

Come on, clap your hands.

♪ Oh, mustang sally, now, baby ♪

♪ I guess you better slow your mustang down, now ♪

♪ Slow it down, slow it down ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

No, michael.

We have to keep in mind that he's still our baby.

We can't be too rough on him.

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

Mom, I love this new lipstick.

It's a great color for me, don't you think?

When a person becomes self-absorbed

And overly concerned with their appearance,

It usually means they're hiding something.

It says so right here in this book,

That they really hate themselves.

It's that self-loathing

That leads to destructive relationships,

Depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, and eventually suicide.

But that is a pretty color on you.

[ Crying ]

What? I said it was pretty.

"I take you, michael, to be my wedded husband.

"I promise to continue to love, cherish, and honor you,

"To keep and comfort you in sickness and in health,

For richer, for poorer, till death do us part."

[ Voice breaking ] I'd like to add something, also.

I'm still crazy about you after all these years.

With the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife again.

You may kiss the bride.

Give me some sugar.

All right, all right. I admit it.

I have my little faults, but at least I'm not crazy.

I never said you was crazy.

No, I'm saying you're crazy.

I'm crazy? That's crazy.

No, michael, you're nutty.

You're a nut job. You're a wacko.

Hey, hey, hey!

What do you think?

[ Imitating martin luther king, jr. ] I'm sorry, ma'am, but I had a dream.

I dreamed that one day,

All laundry would be done together--

Briefs and boxers, cottons and polyesters.

I had a dream that one day jock straps and g-strings

Would tumble around in the dryer of love.

[ Imitating bill clinton ] I did not have sexual relations

With that woman.

[ Imitating muhammad ali ] I float like a butterfly.

I smell like petunias.

What till you see what I do with the boy, junior.

[ Imitating sammy davis jr. ] Here, hold this for me, cats.

You know, it's kind of like don king.

We think he's full of it, but he does it with such

[Imitating don king] prodigious fortitude

That you have to appreciate his stylography.

O-tay.

[ Imitating bill cosby ] what do you mean "was funny"?

Cosby is funny because he's [babbling indistinctly]

[ Imitating vito corleone ] this is the first time

You come over to my house.

You don't bring a cup of coffee.

You don't show no respect.

You don't even say, "hi, godfather."

♪ You're my fire ♪

♪ My one desire ♪

Hee hee hee!

Ow!

[ Jimi hendrix's "purple haze" plays ]

Now, that's rock 'n' roll.

Jay: michael!

Ding ding ding ding.

Someone report a fire, ma'am?

No. No, I did not.

You're right. There's no fire around here.

It must be you, hot stuff.

Okay--

[ Upbeat music ]

♪ ♪

Work it, baby! Work it, baby!

Aah!

What's going on there?

You noticed, right?

I couldn't help but notice.

Last time I saw you, you was balder than me.

That's funny. That's a great rug.

Uh, excuse me? No rug here, mike.

What is it, a weave? Come again?

You get plugs? Can't hear you.

[ Laughs ]

It's all-- aah!

Unh-unh.

I'm just trying to touch it.

Come on, you can't-- aah!

Can I -- aah!

Look, sweetheart, I'm just trying to be a nice man.

That's my little girl's doll you have.

Haven't you ever heard of finders, keepers?

Finders, keepers. But you know what?

I'll give you a whole $5 for that doll.

$5? Yeah.

I bet it's worth $100.

$100?

You certainly drive a hard bargain there, carrot top.

Let me just look down here and find a $100.

That man stole my dolly!

Go! Run! Run!

Run!

Aah! That man stole my dolly!

Hey, pop.

Don't "hey, pop" me. I'll pop you.

What's wrong?

I'll tell you what's wrong.

You left me stranded at the eye doctor.

I had to take a cab home.

I don't even know how much I tipped the guy.

Okay, I know you're angry.

Hell, yeah, I'm angry.

I'll tell you why I'm angry. I'm mad as hell!

But technically, I'm in the right.

Oh, yeah?

Well, why don't you explain to me how you can be in the right?

Take a little taste.

Thank you, michael.

Oh, you're so good to me.

Don't tell my chubby buddy.

I ain't gonna tell the chubby buddy.

I'm sorry.

Jay. I slipped.

Oh-ho.

I slipped. Oh, it's funny?

Yeah, get him. See, he's laughing at you.

Ma, look at this.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Y'all got to get the baby.

You are unbelievable.

You've actually convinced yourself

That you can play the piano.

Come on. You know I can play.

No, you can't. You can't do it.

♪ Three in the "c" of key ♪

♪ Three blind mice ♪

♪ They're blind ♪

♪ Three, three blind mice ♪

♪ Three blind mice, three blind mice ♪

♪ There's two, not three ♪

[ Hitting random keys ]

♪ Five and five and a seven is two ♪

♪ One and three to the 8-2-3 is three ♪

♪ Blind mice ♪

♪ Or meeces ♪

[ Squeaks ] [ screaming ]

No! No!

I mean, damn it got away.

What kind of drugs are you guys giving me?

Oh, dr. Rawls only uses one drug.

[ "You'll never find another love like mine" plays ]

Love.

♪ You'll never find ♪

♪ As long as you live ♪

♪ Someone who loves you ♪

♪ Tender like I do ♪

♪ You'll never find ♪

♪ No matter where you search ♪

♪ Someone who cares about you ♪

♪ The way I do ♪

♪ Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby ♪

♪ But I'm the one who loves you ♪

♪ And there's no one else ♪

♪ No-o-o-o-o-o ♪

Oh, my baby. Come here, boo boo.

Ohh. It's a painful memory.

I know, I know.

Okay, so none of us are perfect.

Yeah, you're right. Who is?

You are so right.

Oh, man.

Michael... Yeah, baby?

I don't want to live in an empty nest anymore.

Me neither. It's too damn quiet.

Yeah, it is.

What do you say we go upstairs and make some noise?

Mmm. Okay.

Well, give me a 5-minute head start,

And I'll put on something that's easy to take off.

[ Chuckles ]

Junior: good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

And welcome to our father of the year ceremony.

Tonight we pay tribute to a very special man,

My father, mr. Michael kyle.

Dad, I want you to know that I'm proud and privileged

To be the namesake of the man I most admire

And respect in this world.

And you're always there for me with love and good counsel,

No matter how badly I mess up.

And I do mess up badly sometimes,

Like the time I put glue on your toilet seat

Or the time I got the cat drunk

Or the time I glued the cat to the toilet seat.

Come on, boy.

Seriously, I would consider myself lucky

To be even half the man you are.

You're not only my dad, but you're my hero.

Thank you, son. I'm touched.

Dad, I may not be the deepest girl on earth,

But I'm deep enough to know when someone makes me look good.

And I know I may seem selfish,

But I know there's nothing in the world

You wouldn't do to make me happy.

I appreciate you, dad, because you appreciate me.

Thank you.

That was very sweet, claire.

Daddy, you always make me feel like a princess.

And like I've always said,

When I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.

I love you, daddy.

I love you, too, munchkin.

Michael, remember back in the day when we were struggling?

Sometimes we didn't even know

Where our next meal was gonna come from,

But I never panicked

Because you always said things were gonna work out,

And they always did.

I had faith in you since the day you quit your fast-food job,

Rented your first truck, and started your own business.

Claire was born in the back of that truck.

It was tough, but we also had some good times.

My point is, we may not always show you how we appreciate you,

But, baby, we really do appreciate you.

And I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you for choosing to share this journey with me.

You're not only the man of the year...

[ Voice breaking ] you're the man of my life.

Junior: and on behalf of all of us,

We'd like to present the award for father of the year

To mr. Michael kyle.

Come on, dad.

All: speech, speech, speech, speech.

Friends, romans, countrymen...

No, seriously,

This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

I want to thank you guys for reminding me

What's really important in my life--

That's the love and respect of my wife and kids.

I love all of you.

All: we love you, too.

Michael, be careful, baby. Michael!

Babe, babe, babe!

Oh!

I gotta get the hang of this little rascal.

Ugh!

Dad, do you need help?

Mm-hmm.