Original subtitles

Whoo! Like it.

Got you some tea.

Listen.

What? I don't hear --

I know. Isn't it heaven?

See, this is a preview of what our lives are gonna be like

When the kids finally leave home.

Once we say, "get out!"

That's right, it has been a long time

Since we've been in the house alone together.

Yeah, they spent nights out before,

But they never been out all at the same time.

Wow, what are we gonna do

When these kids are all grown, michael?

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna change my address,

My phone number, my identity.

I'm gonna join the parent protection program,

And I'm traveling the world.

Now that sounds good to me.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, I really love being a parent,

But it's gonna be so wonderful once they leave home.

Which one of them are you gonna miss the least?

Hmm...

I don't -- that's a tough one.

I guess it's the one that's given us the most problems.

And that would be, uh...

You think it's claire?

I don't know, babe. Think about it.

Well, she hasn't been that bad.

Not if you don't count falling down all the time.

She doesn't fall down that much.

Claire?

[ Thumping ]

[ Thumping ]

My computer!

I spent five hours finishing my paper, and now it's gone!

Oh, and ow.

♪ Swo-o-o-o-o-- ♪

♪ And a little bit of -- ♪

♪ And a little bit of -- ♪

[ Both laughing ]

Yeah, well, besides her falling down,

That girl has been a joy to be around.

What?! [ Groans ]

[ Growls, groans ]

[ Groans ]

[ Scoffs ]

Dah!

[ Screams ]

Besides all the [groans] and the trouble she's gotten into,

Especially since she started dating tony,

I wouldn't exactly call her a joy to be around.

Claire and I have decided to have sexual intercourse.

You son of a --

Michael!

Stop it!

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Dad, you said we could talk to you about anything.

That's right, michael, we did say that!

Let's try to be calm and rational

And listen to what the kids are trying to tell us!

Thanks, mom, 'cause I want to have sex, too.

You little -- aah!

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

Hey, everybody. We're back.

Don't you "hey, everybody" me!

Michael!

Tony: aah! Aah! Aah!

You little --

Come back!

Michael!

Michael!

We didn't do it! We didn't do it!

We didn't do it, dad.

He didn't do it? They didn't do it.

He didn't do it. Nothing happened!

You pull yourself together, young man.

Ow!

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

I was just trying to -- I was trying to snap you out of it.

I can't go on without her, mr. Kyle.

You won't have to, tony.

If I know my daughter,

She's probably thinking about you right now.

Really? Yeah.

Hi, tony. What are you doing here?

Who's he?!

Aah!

I've been going over this hip-hop magazine.

Okay, this is gonna be our blueprint.

We're gonna use this to hip you up,

Starting with your speech, all right?

Now, I highlighted some very important words

That I want you to incorporate into your language.

Na-- nahamin.

Nahamem.

No, it's not hebrew.

Okay.

It's ebonics.

It's "knahmean?"

It means "you know what I mean?" Knahmean?

You just throw it all together -- knahmean?

You're good at it, mr. Kyle. Why don't you do it?

Because I'm not trying to get my daughter back.

Yeah. That's good.

Oh!

Would you like something?

We have some honeybuns in here and also some melons.

Oh!

Uh...uh, you got any milk?

Sure, you want some?

Oh, no!

[ Crying ]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't you start that. We gotta toughen you up.

We're gonna start with your walk.

We gotta work on your walk, all right?

Now, just loosen up your knees. It's all in the knees.

Yeah, yeah, and you gotta let you back be like a flounder.

You don't have no spine.

Just hang low, like this here.

You got weighted knuckles that just drag, like this here.

You walkin' around like life is hard.

There's a million dollars on the ground.

You're just lookin'.

What are you doing?

Picking up the million dollars.

It's tax-free 'cause we found it.

Is that tony?

Where?

Right there, this naked boy running towards us.

Go, tony! It's your birthday!

Go, tony! It's your birthday!

[ Hip-hop music plays ]

Aah!

Um, what does "it" feel like?

You've never done -- no.

You've never even -- never.

You know what? I can help you.

Sit down, sit down.

I can tell you what it's gonna feel like.

I want you to put your hands up on the table here,

And I want you to visualize you and claire.

Close your eyes. See you writhing in ecstasy.

You got that image in your head?

You got it? Yeah.

Ow! My hands!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! My eyes!

My eyes! Aah!

That's why you shouldn't do it, tony.

Well, I guess there has been a few incidents.

A few? [ Groans ]

[ Scoffs ]

Get the fur ball out and change the dress.

[ Scoffs ]

You [scoffs] one more time, I'm gonna choke you for real.

As you grow up, sooner or later, like one day,

You're probably gonna have your first kiss.

Daddy -- hear me out.

It's gonna happen whether I like it or not.

And I just want you to know

That kissing can lead to touching,

And touching can lead to grandchildren.

So when you do have that first kiss,

Stick to kissing, you know?

'Cause there's nothing wrong

With a good 10, 15 years of just kissing.

I understand, daddy.

Okay.

Ah, that felt good.

And, dad...

Just for the record, even after I'm married,

I'll always be your little girl.

I love you.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, I guess all in all, claire is pretty sweet.

Yeah, right. I might actually miss that one.

But what about the little one?

We have a lot less time invested in her.

Yeah, but, on the other hand,

She had less time to be a problem.

I don't know about that.

She's packed a whole lot of trouble into a very short time.

Daddy, I made you some chicken-noodle soup.

Aw, that's sweet.

Thank you.

Hey, what's this?

I put a prize in it.

Wow!

Taste it.

Did you get this water out the toilet

Like the last time?

No, silly.

The fish tank.

Oh!

Oh, wow!

The baby!

God!

The baby fell in the pool.

What happened?!

Mommy said don't get too close.

You pushed me!

No, I was trying to catch you.

With your foot?

Lemon aids, lemon aids! Cold, refreshing lemon aids!

Come and get it!

I did what you said.

What did I say?

You said, "try getting pudding through this," and I did.

Ta-da!

[ Gasps ] oh!

Let me ask you something.

You would never lie to me, would you?

Never, daddy.

Okay, so, is daddy, like,

The best-looking guy in the whole world?

Well, you're no george clooney.

Where's your shoe?

I have no idea.

Let's retrace your steps.

Number one, did you go in your room? No.

Number two, did you go in the bathroom? Yes.

Number three, in the bathroom, what did you do? Number two.

Number two? Number two.

Okay, so the answer to number three is number two.

I did number one, too.

Okay, so the answer to number three

Is number one and number two, too.

I have no idea.

Neither do i.

Okay, you sit here, and daddy wants you to show me

Exactly what you did in that bathroom.

No, no, no! Not --

What did you do with your feet?

I was kicking my legs like this,

And my shoe flew off.

Aaahh!

I need to confess.

Confess about what?

Claire didn't steal those nail polishes.

I did.

No, you didn't.

Okay. Good night.

It really makes me sad

To know that I can't make you happy

While your mom's gone.

'Cause the truth is, kady,

I've been trying to win your heart

Ever since you were born.

Keep trying, baldy.

Okay, so there's no way I'm not gonna miss my little kady.

That's right.

She has brought a lot of fun into our lives.

Yeah, and without her,

We would have never met franklin aloysius mumford.

Well, it's nice to meet you, frankie.

It's franklin.

Oh, okay, frank.

Franklin.

Oh, all right, frankfurter.

Break a leg, franken berry.

Let it go.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Listen up this time.

What is a vector derivative?

I think that's what sulu caught from the klingons.

[ Laughs ]

No.

A vector derivative

Is the derivative taken with respect to a vector field.

Oh, my god! What is that thing?

It's an uncooked chicken.

Well, it looks gross. Let's cook it.

What do I do?

Well, first, you have to clean it.

Okay, I'll put it in the dishwasher.

Light cycle, right?

[ Laughs ]

It's funnier in latin.

Let's see.

[ Speaking latin ]

[ Speaking oriental language ]

[ Speaking latin ]

[ Laughs ]

You're right. It is funnier in latin.

Let's drink some of that colored water

Saturated with high-fructose corn syrup,

Get a huge sugar rush going,

And then watch hours of insipid animated marsupials

Sing and dance their way through a jungle

Festooned with product placement featuring candy-laced cereals

That will no doubt destroy my pancreas before I'm 12

And leave me twitching in a diabetic coma.

[ Irish music plays ]

[ "Once upon a dream" plays ]

[ Russian music plays ]

Isn't she great?

Isn't she great?

Isn't she great?

Anyhoo...

Anyhoo...

Anyhoo...

Anyhoo...

Anyhoo... Anyhoo...

Anyhoo...

[ Laughs ]

We've narrowed it down to one.

However...

We have to face it.

This has always been a no-brainer.

And speaking of no brains, guess who tops the list?

Check it out.

What?

My mustache is coming in.

Get out of here. Well, look at that.

You know, in a couple of years,

That might start looking like some real hair.

Dad, I got real hair growing all over.

Look at this. No, no, no.

I want to know --

What did you do the other night when I left the house?

Okay, okay, okay! I'll tell you.

I accidentally ordered "star whores" on pay-per-view.

Accidentally?

Yeah. See, I meant to order

"I know who you did last summer."

And then what did you do?

Well, I skimmed over the first three minutes,

Then I fell asleep.

You just fell asleep. It wasn't good enough, huh?

No, it was good,

But after three minutes, I was exhausted.

Open the door.

I can't do that either.

Why not?

'Cause I put the combination lock on the door,

And now I can't see it to unlock it.

And why'd you lock the door?

'Cause I wanted to get naked while I look for the flashlight.

There's nothing you can't beat if you just believe in yourself.

Honey, what's wrong?

Where's dad?

He's in a meeting. What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I just got to talk to dad.

Junior!

I'm fine.

You're obviously not.

Where does it hurt?

I can't tell you.

You can tell me anything.

Now, tell me, what is the problem?

I think I broke it.

Good idea, baby.

What the hell is wrong with this boy?

Hey, hey, hey, baretta, come here.

You roll over this car one more time,

The car gonna roll over you.

Put some back into it. You fight like kady.

What you doing? You can't hit me, boy.

Look, I'll roy jones you. Look.

[ Bell dings ]

[ Whistles ]

[ Engine rumbling loudly ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Engine sputtering ]

Michael, will you look at this?

The boy got a lawn chair for a front seat, michael.

That's cool, isn't it, mom? You see, this is what I do.

I can drive it and lean all the way back.

You're not driving this piece of crap.

Mom, this is not a piece of crap.

She's unique. She has character.

She may have character,

But she doesn't have a front seat,

Which means, boy, that she doesn't have a seat belt.

Oh, sure she does. See?

I just take this rope and tie it around my waist twice

And then hook it onto the door handle,

Just like the guy showed me.

Yeah, and he probably threw that rope in free, huh?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Because you negotiated. Exactly.

I'm about to have a stroke. I'm about to have a stroke.

Be a father. Be a father.

You want to unlock your mind, this is the key.

What did you give me, man?

Things are starting to get weird.

This stuff must be stronger than I thought.

Oh, man! Oh, man!

Hi, is mr. Kyle home?

[ Spanish accent ] sorry, he's no here.

It just me, manny. Can I take a message?

Sure. Can you tell him his son stopped by?

Which son? The oldest.

Is this junior? Yeah, it's junior.

[ Normal voice ] get in here, boy.

Hey, dad, you're back.

Did manny give you my message?

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello? Uh...no.

Come on, dad, please!

I'll never get this car done if I have to pay for it myself.

Junior, you don't want me involved with this. Yes, I do.

No, you don't. Yes, I do, I do!

You understand that if I get involved [imitating static]

And if you don't care that [imitating static]

I don't care at all. I know, dad.

Because [imitating static] absolutely.

Yeah? Then you agree to those terms. Completely.

Okay. [ Imitating static ]

Dad, I'm losing you. Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me now?

Dad, are you going through the canyon?

Ow!

Dad, do you mind? I'm talking to my father.

Hello?

I entitled this one "suburban pain."

Kill! Punch! Stab!

Bleed.

Why is this suburban kid so mad?

Hmph.

I have no clue.

But I'm sad.

I like to hurt all of you!

But I got to make it home by curfew.

So until I'm free

From all this love my family "supposedly" giving me,

I'm gonna be mad...

For no damn reason.

I love you, dad.

[ Whistling ]

Oh, man. There's no more cheese.

[ Mousetrap snaps ] we got him!

Aah! Aah! Get it off! Get it off! Aah!

I've decided to go to college.

Baby!

And guess what?

I've already been accepted at two schools.

Oh!

Plus I'm wait-listed at a real school, reddington.

Maybe you're right, dad, and I'm sorry I lied,

But it doesn't change the fact that I'm growing up.

You've got to loosen the reins.

Trust is something you're gonna have to earn.

That's how you get freedom.

Apparently, we're not gonna settle this,

So where do we go from here?

I guess we have to meet somewhere in the middle,

Try to make things right.

How?

Wipe the slate clean, start from scratch.

Deal?

Deal.

Come here.

I ain't ready to let go yet.

Do you mean that literally or figuratively?

Both.

Eventually, we'll both starve.

Yeah, well, there's no question about it --

Junior has given us the most trouble.

And the most laughs.

The boy's got a good heart.

He got a hard-ass head, though.

[ Laughs ]

All in all, I think we did a very good job

Raising these kids.

Boy, I just hope it pays off.

What do you mean?

Well, the whole idea of having children

Is you raise them, you spend all this time and effort,

And you hope that they bring home the cash.

The cash?!

[ Rapping ] ♪ open the door, close the door ♪

♪ I am so confused ♪

♪ Lost in the friction of life ♪

♪ No! I have never read a diction-ary in my life ♪

♪ Quite scary ♪

♪ Mary, mary, quite con-trary ♪

Isn't it?