Original subtitles

Man, I'm telling you --

Friday is going to be the best day ever.

Guess what this ticket's for.

Winnie the pooh on ice?

Uh...

[ Shudders, sniffles ]

No.

A ticket to see outkast?

Ah -- ah -- ah -- ah -- no.

Junior: ooh, guys, I know.

A ticket to see "the vagina monologues."

Why would I want to see one of them talk?

Oh, man!

Oh, baby!

I know what it is! What? What?

It's tickets to see baryshnikov's final performance

That you promised to take me to on friday!

Uh...

No.

But that was a good guess.

This is a ticket to see lebron james

In his first game against the new york knicks.

Are you breaking a date with me on friday

To go on a date with lebron?

Well, that's one way -- that's negative, though.

That's one way to look at it. Here's how I'm seeing it.

I'm seeing it as a chance for your husband

To be a part of history.

See, that's the positive spin we put on it.

Michael, what about my baryshnikov tickets?

How many times can you see a guy in tights do this, huh?

How many times can you see a guy in baggy shorts do this?

What player does that?

That's michael jordan!

Is that after he snaps his spine or when?

Whatever, michael.

Come on, jay.

No.

Be supportive of me. You can't even get this.

This is a court-side seat. You can't even buy these.

Someone has to will them to you or you have to beg spike lee.

Come on, it's only 120 hours away.

I hope you don't get the flu.

Why would you say that?!

Why would you put that kind of negativity in the room?

Everybody seems to be getting it.

Mm-hmm.

Everybody but us. You know what we're going to do?

We're all going to stay in this house and make sure

That we have no outside contact with the rest of the world.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have even did that to you

Because I know how crazy you get, michael.

I don't get crazy.

Your imagination starts running away with you.

All of a sudden, you'll have ebola by the end of the week

And blame me.

Yeah, but I'll be bleeding out my eyes

And gurgling blood court side, baby.

Experts are saying

That this year's flu season will be the worst in 20 years.

The elderly are the most susceptible.

Thank god we're not old farts, huh?

Junior, change the channel.

Michael, what are you doing?

I'm making sure that the flu don't get in here

With duct tape.

Where did you get the duct tape?

It's left over from the anthrax scare.

Don't you think it's a little crazy to tape up the windows?

Is it crazy, jay, for a man to want to protect his beloved wife

And his beautiful children, huh?

Is it crazy, jay?

Then call up belleview and tell them to make my bed

Because daddy cuckoo is coming home!

Okay, it's lebron james.

He's a phenom, jay, and I got court-side seats.

Court side, phenom -- phenom, court side.

I don't know how to say it

Except for "phenourtside" phenom.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Answer the door. Pizza guy.

Hey, pizza guy.

How you doing?

Good, now, I'm going to take this money,

And I'm going to slide it under the door,

And I want you to put the pizza down,

And then hold your breath and back away.

There you go.

You got change coming.

It's okay.

Just hold your breath, back away.

I don't want your disease-ridden change.

Go ahead. Keep it.

$30?

Yes, keep it. Thanks!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Don't open the door!

Hi, can I have $25 back, please?

Okay.

Crazy. Ah-choo!

Thank you.

You see he sneezed on the money?!

What?

Don't put that in your --

Jay, throw that out and disinfect your hand.

I am not getting rid of a perfectly good pizza.

That's not pizza anymore.

That's a boxful of infested bacteria.

That's not a cheese pizza. That's a "sneeza."

And I'm s-not eating it.

Well, good.

Then it's more for muc-us.

[ Laughs ]

Come on, y'all, let's go.

Muc-us. I am killing myself today.

Okay, fine, fine. You disobey me.

Let me tell you something.

Anybody that partakes of that pepperoni biohazard

Will deprive themselves of my company.

[ Coughing ]

Are you sick?

I think so. Ohhh!

What?!

You did this on purpose!

What are you talking about?!

I wouldn't take you to see baryshnikov,

So you develop a cough to keep me away from lebron.

Okay, that doesn't make any sense, but you know what?

You should have got my ticket so...

[Coughing]

Okay, so, you're admitting it.

You played the flu card.

The flu card? Yeah, the flu card.

You know what? I'm not feeling good.

I'm feeling achy and stuffy, and you're starting with me!

Okay, okay, okay.

Look, I have an idea.

Why don't you go in the bathroom and get in the steam shower,

And let it loosen up some of that phlegm?

Do you think [gulps] that'll work?

Yeah, and get rid of [gulps] that thing, too.

Okay.

And you could put some vaporub on your chest,

Take a couple of cold pills.

Do you think that'll work?

Yeah, that'll work. That'll work.

Michael.

Sorry, baby, I can't take any chances.

This is court-side seats!

Open the door, michael!

I told you not to eat the "sneeza,"

But you wouldn't listen.

Now I have to quarantine you.

If you don't let me out this door [coughing]

Jay, okay, think about the kids.

They want me to see that game.

Michael, I will butt this door down!

You're too weak with the flu!

Not with the flu.

[ Screams ]

Whoa.

I underestimated your butt-tential.

Look, I'll let you out,

But you got to promise that you won't come into the room

Until I'm out of the room.

I'm not promising you a damn thing.

Promise?

[ Sweetly ] okay.

I promise.

All right, on the count of three.

One...two...

Three.

[ Sneezes, coughs ]

Here's some orange juice, mom.

Thank you so much, baby...

Unh-unh!

Oh, god, it's so sour!

Really? It's fresh-squeezed.

Oh, claire, oh, no.

I gotta rinse my mouth out. Ugh!

Oh, blech!

Oh, it does taste sour.

Let me try.

[ Gargles ]

You're right.

It is sour.

Kady, go take the juice downstairs and pour it out.

And take the trash out, too.

It's full of mom's dirty tissues.

Okay.

Lebron james, michael kyle.

It's a pleasure to meet your acquaintance.

That's too formal.

Yo, buddy bron, bron bron, bron bron, bron bron.

What's up, bron bron? Yeah, man, it's me.

Yeah, mike kizzy.

Nah, that's too desperate. I know.

I'll just sit there and ignore him.

He'll be, like,

"Man, who's this dude sitting over here ignoring me?"

And I'll look at him and give him that brush-off nod.

Daddy, I'm sick.

You're sick?

Yes, I think I've got the flu.

Okay, then this is what I need you to do.

I need you to hold your breath. [ Inhales deeply ]

Suck up all that bad air you brought in here.

And then back up out of the kitchen.

Slowly, slowly. Don't make no sudden moves.

You don't want to agitate the germs

And they confuse you with me.

Now, go ahead, baby. Go upstairs.

But, daddy --

Do you love your daddy?

Yes.

Then stop breathing.

You want to see me happy, right?

Yes.

Okay, then go upstairs.

Get that air. All that air around you.

Yeah, okay.

I'll put some medicine under the door, okay?

But I want a hug.

Okay, here.

Here, hug daddy's foot.

There you go.

Yes, yes, yes, okay.

All right. Go upstairs.

[ Sucking ] get the air.

Yeah, okay, all right.

Oh, my god.

The flu is all over this house!

[ Coughing ]

I hope you're coughing because you smell this mist.

Yes.

Good.

[ Coughing resumes ]

But that one was from the flu.

Oh, my god! You're an "outbreak" monkey, too!

I'm not going to let you keep me from going to the game!

But, daddy, I'm sick. What am I supposed to do?

Okay, I need you to hold your breath,

Suck up all that bad air you brought in here,

And then back up out of the kitchen.

I'll roll some medicine under your door. Go ahead.

That's it? That's all you're going to do?

You're right. You need a hug?

Here, get a hug.

Get a hug from daddy.

Well, it's just us now, son.

All the women in the house are sick.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, hey, dad. I'm just counting these tissues.

You know, mom is really sick,

And I know it's the flu because a cold

Doesn't produce this amount of mucus.

You're going to give yourself the flu touching on that stuff.

No, I'm not.

A lot of people think you can catch the flu

Just by being in the same room as a sick person

When, according to this book,

The only way to become infected is through direct contact.

Like for instance, say I were to handle these tissues

And then rub my eyes.

Or rub my nose, you know.

[ Sniffles ]

That would be like asking the virus to move in

And shut down my whole immune system.

You know something? I'm going to go make a call.

You just go...

58...

59...

70...

71...

Son. Huh?

Would you "dumbonstrate" that for me one more time?

Okay.

[ Inhales deeply, exhales ]

Hello, mr. Kyle.

Hey, franklin.

Where did you get the stupid suit from?

I have a connection down at the cdc.

Center for disease control.

Really? It looks dumb.

You don't want to play the dozens with me, mr. Kyle.

I can be quite lethal.

You're so bald, I can see what's on your mind.

That's for the bad joke, to get rid of that bad joke.

Come on in.

Where's kady?

She's upstairs resting.

Excellent.

Rest and plenty of fluids will help.

Is that mask the only protection you have?

Yeah, it's all I got.

It's a good thing I got here when I did.

The odds are that you've already been exposed to the flu.

Don't say that!

Why you gotta put that kind of negative energy in here?

I have court-side seats to see lebron james this friday.

The phenom?

Yeah.

The basketball savant?

The einstein of the parquet?

The stephen hawking of the hoops!

Hey, I was just about to say that.

[ Chuckling ] well, you know, great minds think alike.

No, they don't.

Hey, should you happen to get sick, may I have your ticket?

I'm not going to get sick

Because I'm going to have you here to help me.

All right, all right.

And I assume you're doing all the basics --

Rest, vitamin c, exercise.

Yeah, I even put garlic around my neck.

That'll work great if you happen to be attacked

By a flu-invested vampire.

[ Laughs ]

However...

Back here in the real world,

I have some other preventative options.

Chew on this.

Oh, okay.

Mmm.

What is it?

Extract of ling-ling.

It's guaranteed to boost your immune system.

Oh, I feel it working already.

I'm feeling stronger!

So, where does the ling-ling come from?

A panda.

A panda, hmm?

And what part of the panda is the ling-ling extracted from?

Let's put it this way --

There's one per panda, and it's found only on boys.

So, one per panda...

And it's only on b--

It's a really nutty taste they got.

So, a boy would have two eyes,

And a panda have the two ears, the nose, the foot --

Well, man, the only thing I can think of --

And I know it wouldn't be that.

Yes.

That's -- that's ling-ling ding-ding, right?

Yeah, but at least you won't get the flu.

And just in case that old folk remedy doesn't work,

I have yet another.

This is a very rare object

From only above the snow line in tibet.

They say is has incredible herbal properties.

What is this?

Dehydrated yak droppings.

Okay, so...

A little extra.

What else can you recommend?

Well, personally, I eat chicken noodle soup.

Does chicken noodle soup really help you with the flu?

It does if you wear a hazmat suit.

[ Laughs ]

There you go, huh?

Watch out. One more.

There's your orange juice.

See? I take care of my baby.

This isn't orange juice.

This is a cup and two oranges.

I know, and you just squeeze it in there, okay?

Now, I'm going to go in the other room

Into michael's world and watch tv.

[ Whining ] wait, wait!

Where are you going?

I'm going to go watch tv.

No, stay here with me.

But you're sick.

But I'm your wife.

Yeah, my sick wife,

And I'm not falling for this little trick.

What about our vows, michael?

You said you would stay with me in sickness and in health.

I know, but that was before lebron came into the league.

I'm still going to be loving you.

I'm just going to do it from the other room.

Well, get used to it,

'Cause you're going to be loving me from the other room

When I'm better!

Okay, I could do that.

Did you hear that?

I don't hear nothing.

I don't hear nobody coughing or nothing.

Michael. What?

I don't even hear you say "michael."

Michael, you can ignore me, but you can't ignore your children.

Now, I think kady needs to be taken to the doctor.

No, she's strong. She'll beat that little virus.

It'll just run its course.

Michael, she's prone to asthma!

Yeah, but you can't get asthma with 105 fever.

It burns it away.

Michael richard kyle,

You listen to me, and you listen to me good.

I don't care about a lebron or phenom or court-side seats.

You take my daughter to the doctor right now

Or I swear I will get out this bed,

And I will give you

The biggest, wettest, most infectious, nastiest kiss

You ever had in your life.

Now go!

Okay, we're right on time for your appointment.

Here.

Take my phone, and I want you to page me

After the doctor sees you, okay?

No, you have to stay with me, daddy.

[ Sniffles ]

I'm scared.

Why are you scared?

You don't have tickets to see lebron.

Hey, mike.

Hey, doc.

Hey, kady. What you got there?

This is ling-ling root.

I gotta boost my immune system so I don't get sick.

Oh, I hate to tell you, mike,

But the only thing that works for the flu is a flu shot,

And that usually takes a couple weeks.

Well, I don't have that kind of time.

I gotta stay healthy for the next couple of days,

Then I can get s.a.r.s. For all I care.

He's got tickets to see lebron james.

Oh, not the phenom.

The phenom, yes, sir.

I got court-side seats,

So I can't let anything get in the way of me being there.

I just hope you don't come down

With anything worse than a rebound.

[ Laughs ]

You get it?

Not the flu, a rebound.

I guess it wasn't that funny.

All right, kady, why don't you come on in

And we'll take a look at you, huh?

All right.

Daddy, would you come with me?

Okay, you're right.

I don't want to be around these "flusers."

[ Sneezes ]

Sorry. [ Coughs ]

Baby, guess what I got tickets for?

Another stupid basketball game?

Uh...no.

These are tickets

To baryshnikov's final, final performance.

What are you talking about?

He sprained his ankle, so they postponed it for two more weeks.

Oh, michael, thank you so --

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't kiss me.

But I want to thank you.

No, no, no, here here.

Shake the foot. Yeah. There you go.

Michael.

No, you might still be contagious.

I'm not contagious anymore.

Well, I can't take any chances because today is the big game.

I'm actually going down to the hotel

Where the players stay,

Try and get a glimpse of lebron this morning.

Ohh, yeah, you go down there

With all the other autograph hounds

And suck up and act like a little groupie.

No, wait, first of all, I'm a grown man.

Oh.

I don't get excited over no celebrities, especially no dude.

I'm just going to walk up,

And, you know, he won't even know I'm there.

And if I see him, I'm just going to give him a little nod.

'Sup?

That's how cool guys say, "what's up?"

[ Laughs ]

You gotta flare the nostrils -- look.

'Sup?

Ahhhh!

[ All shouting ]

Oh, my -- oh, no, baby, please.

Fans lined up at the cavaliers' hotel this morning

Hoping for just a glimpse of the young phenom lebron james.

Hey, lebron! Michael kyle!

[ Sneezes ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

And now we take you directly to tonight's big game.

Court side. Say hey!

[ Chuckles ]

All right, what's up, folks?

Us court-side people just chillin', you know?

Hey, spike lee! What's up, man?

Yeah, michael kyle.

I got a movie idea for you.

It's about a guy with a court-side ticket,

And they steal it from him,

And he throws a garbage can through this jazz club.

Starts a riot and everything.

It's called "mo better seat."

[ Laughs ]

All right. Do the right thing.

Why you stick your finger --

That's not the right thing, spike.

Yeah, so, I was hanging out with lebron -- bron bron, I call him.

I was like, "hey, man, you know what?

You need to get a hook because jordan had the tongue."

That's what I gave jordan -- the tongue,

And ben wallace got all the wild hair,

Iverson got the tattoos.

I told him, " you know what?

"Do the pigeon walk.

"Make your feet turn --"

Ain't nobody doing that. Nobody's doing the duck waddle.

That's from me. Make the shoe.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Lebron james will be unable to play tonight

Due to a sudden attack of the flu,

Give to him by...this man.

Who would give the man the flu?!

Why is he sick?! Somebody made the man sick?!

Ahhhh!

[ All shouting ]

[ Laughing ]

Hey, lebron! Michael kyle!

[ Sneezes ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Crowd boos ]

Didn't mean to get him sick.

I-i was just trying to be friendly.

Jerk!

[ Booing continues ]

That's not me! It's not me!

[ Booing continues ]

Look! That's not me.

There's only one per panda, and it's found only on boys.

All right, one per panda, and it's only on --

[ Laughs ]

There's one per panda, and it's only found on boys.

[ Laughs ]

There's only one per panda.

[ Laughs ]