Original subtitles

Good morning. How are you?

Right.

[ Whistling ]

Whoa! [ Laughs ]

Whoo!

[ Whistling ]

[ Engine turns over ]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah, baby.

[ Music plays ]

[ Music stops ]

How's it going, officer?

License and registration, please.

Is there a problem?

Is there? You seem a little nervous.

Oh, no, no, I'm not nervous.

Just had some coffee.

Makes me a little jittery. That and guns.

Oh.

There you go.

Thank you.

Great day, huh?

Driving without a seat belt -- that's a no-no.

Well, technically, I'm not moving.

I'm still parked.

Well, if you want to get technical, your engine is on.

Your car is in gear. I'd call that driving.

Yeah, but technically, I haven't moved yet.

Well, technically, once you take the car out of park,

It actually moves a quarter of a millimeter.

Yeah, well, technically, a radar gun would not pick that up.

Technically, it did.

And if I multiply the air velocity

Times the mass and width of that tire,

I've got you at 180 miles an hour in a school zone.

Ticket.

$200 For th-- no way, jose...

[ Scoffs ]

...rodriguez. I am...fighting this.

Well, you can go to court, but you'll lose.

My word against yours, and, no offense --

You look a little, um, devious.

Yeah, well, no offense,

You look a little like a mexican porn star.

That was a long time ago!

Have a nice day, and...keep wearing that seat belt.

Yeah, you have a good day, too.

I saw that finger!

I was just checking the, uh, air velocity.

So you mean to tell me

He just gave you a speeding ticket out of the blue?

Yeah. Yeah.

There's gotta be more to the story than you're telling us.

No! I wasn't saying anything.

I wasn't doing anything.

You weren't making a face?

No, I wasn't making any faces.

'Cause you're always making a devious face.

[ Laughs ]

I'm not devious.

You weren't making little jokes the way you always do?

No, I wasn't making any jokes.

I was sitting there minding my own business.

Was the motor on? Yeah, I wasn't gonna push the car home.

Was it in gear? Well, yeah.

I got in the car. I turned on the engine.

I put in my cd, and then I put it in --

Guilty!

What? You're guilty.

Everybody knows safety comes first.

Even I know that.

If you knew so much about safety,

Your girlfriend wouldn't be pregnant right now.

Okay, so safety came second that night,

But that doesn't mean that you're not guilty.

You know, baby, I can understand why you would be mad

If it happened the way you said.

If it happened the way I said?

What are you, the cop's wife, huh?

You're an officer now?

Sheriff "bing, bing, bing!" Jay kyle?

Jay, that man used me, okay, just to fill his ticket quota.

I'm the patsy. I'm his fall guy.

I'm the stooge.

I'm -- I'm -- I'm rubin "hurricane" carter.

This is what they did to him, railroading him.

I want denzel to play me.

You want denzel to play you over a traffic ticket?

Yeah, he would be able to bring the range of emotions

That I was feeling.

Let's put denzel on the side.

I'm contesting this ticket.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

There goes that devious face again.

Why don't you just pay the ticket?

You can't beat the system!

Nooo! Ohh.

I will beat the system.

There's nothing you can't beat if you just believe in yourself.

You know what? Don't help me, son.

Michael, just pay the ticket. Walk away.

No, I'm not gonna pay $200 for something I didn't do.

I'm gonna have my day in court.

I think you should go to court, dad.

And I will go with you if you need a character witness.

Thank you, but you're missing something.

What? A character.

I got plenty of character!

Hey, watch this.

[ Imitating al pacino ] say hello to my little friend.

[ Imitating machine-gun fire ]

Ohh, ohh, ohh. [ Laughs ]

What? Al pacino? "Scarface."

Okay, okay. How 'bout this one?

I'll be back.

Get it?

I got one for you. Hit this.

What character is that? Just hit it.

Okay. Ow!

That's moe from "the three stooges."

Get it? [ Humming ]

Ow!

Hey, baby, you mind if I watch some tv?

Yes, baby, I'm reading.

Oh, and you know what? That reminds me.

My book club is coming over here sunday,

So you're gonna have to watch the game in michael's room.

Fine. I don't want to be around

Your little annoying, cackling friends anyway.

[ Laughs ] whatever.

Oh, and dr. Tortoni is coming over here, too.

And who is, uh, that?

That's tanya's dermatologist.

We read this book on aging last week,

So we're gonna have a potox party.

Oh, baby, not the wrinkle thing.

You don't need that. You're so beautiful.

Really? Yes.

[ Laughs ]

I'm still gonna have the potox.

What's wrong with getting rid of a few wrinkles

If it makes you happy?

Nothing. You know what?

Maybe I should get plastic surgery, too.

I'll start with hair plugs.

I'll take some hair off my behind, stick it on my head.

Then I'll get some fake pecs,

And I'll get one of them pump things.

Pshh, pshh, pshh, huh?

Very nice. Very supportive.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Someone's at the door.

I'm just saying that plastic surgery's a slippery slope,

And this guy, dr. Portini, or whatever his name is,

Will push you right down that hill.

Good evening, mr. And mrs. Kyle.

Is kady home?

She's upstairs cleaning her room.

What? My princess doing menial labor?

Take it easy, all right?

Listen, what do you know about potox?

You want the complete, intelligent answer

Or the idiot's guide?

Franklin, you know me by now.

I'm a cultured, intellectual individual.

The idiot's guide it is.

[ Laughs ]

All right, lay it on me.

Essentially, potox is a form of botulinum toxin type "a."

It's a poison, thus the "po."

When this venom is injected into a muscle,

It produces temporary local paralysis.

When used on muscles of the face,

It can reduce the appearance of wrinkles,

Hence its popularity

Among the vainest members of our society --

Politicians, actors, models, and homosexuals.

So, franklin, it can get rid of wrinkles

And make you look younger, right?

Yes, but there are side effects --

Nausea, diarrhea, intestinal cramping,

Anal leakage, and potential heart stoppage.

Michael, did you hear that?

It could make you look younger!

Ooh, girl, you are looking younger already!

At least 10 years!

Mm-hmm! Dr. Tortoni, you are truly an artist.

[ Italian accent ] I'm the picasso of potoxo.

Watch this.

Bing! Whoo!

Bing!

Wow, that looks painful.

Michael, no, you can't even feel it.

It's like acupuncture.

Bing! Ow!

She moved!

You did. I saw you.

That's nothing like acupuncture.

He looks like he's stabbing her with darts.

Well, I'm gonna get rid of a few laugh lines.

Baby, not the laugh lines.

It took years of my best material to put those there.

Go away, michael, please.

Fine. Away.

You women are so vain.

How do you feel?

Uh, great.

How do I look?

Great.

Bing!

Bing!

Mr. Kyle, we haven't been properly introduced.

I'm dr. Tortoni, dermatologist.

Michael kyle, truckologist.

[ Laughs ] bravo! That was good.

Now I see why your wife got those laugh lines.

You're a funny guy.

Hey, look, between you and me, all right,

Guy to guy, does this stuff really work?

Hey, you tell me. You know the olsen twins?

They're actually 42 years old.

Really?

Apiece.

Wow.

You know, I think I do something for you.

Can you fix a ticket?

I got a court date in the morning.

No, I'm afraid not.

Then you can't help me.

I wouldn't say that, mr. Kyle.

What are you doing?

I'm noticing a few lines around your mouth.

They make you look a little...devious.

Devious?! These are laugh lines.

Everybody keeps saying "devious."

They're laugh lines.

You call those laugh lines? Yes!

You've got the smile of a killer.

Come on, seriously?

Yeah.

Look, I'm just saying here.

If you want to walk into that courtroom tomorrow,

Embarrass yourself looking like this devious serial killer,

Then be my guest.

On the other hand, I can give you two shots -- bing, bing.

And everyone will say,

"Hey, this guy's got the face of an angel here."

I don't know, doc. [ Chuckles ]

I'm a little afraid of needles.

I couldn't handle that.

Bing! Ow!

It's done.

That's amazing. I didn't even feel that.

Bing! Ow!

You moved!

[ Muffled ] michael, wake up.

I can't move my lips.

It's gonna be hard for you to do what you do best.

Michael! What? Aaah!

What happened to your face?!

What happened to your face?!

What do you --

Let me see. Ohh!

The potox! Aaaah!

Yeah, I'm mad as hell!

You get down here, tortoni!

Yeah, I've never been so furious in my life!

What'd he say?! What'd he say?!

He said he'll be here shortly, but he better hurry up.

I gotta be in court in an hour!

I'm gonna be in there smiling like a cheshire cat.

What are you so happy about?

I'm not happy. My face is paralyzed.

Huh. Aaah!

Can you move that?

No! Ow!

This is some kind of trick. They're faking.

You think we're faking?

Hey, do something to make me mad.

Okay, uh...

[ Glass breaking ]

You see that?

Yeah, you're still smiling.

You know why? Why?

'Cause you gotta spend $400 to get that fixed.

So what? At least I can do this.

Okay, well, we know dad's face is really paralyzed,

But let's test mom's.

Ow!

Did my face move?

Not at all.

Well, what about this?

[ Screeches ]

Anything?

Nope.

Well, let's try --

Don't even try it. Don't even try it.

I'll break it.

I'm out. Me, too.

I have an idea.

Let's try stimulating the muscles.

Here. Eat something sour.

That's a great idea. Here, baby, you get this one.

Mmm. Mmm.

Did it work?

Try it again.

Okay.

[ Groaning ]

Did it work?

Nope, but it's funny as heck.

I'm afraid the toxins have set up like cement.

Is it permanent?

No, it'll wear off.

How long it will take

Depends on how much venom the doctor injected.

Until then, you're just gonna have to grin and bear it.

[ Laughs ]

Get it? Grin and bear it?

[ Laughs ]

Hello.

Is this thing on?

I don't see the problem.

You don't see the problem?! This is ridiculous!

I'm not happy! Well, your face looks happy.

I know happy when I see happy, and your face...looks happy.

Well, I know mad when I feel mad, and right now I'm mad!

You're happy.

Oh, good. You're here.

Okay, baby, you handle this.

Let me at this, michael, okay?

Let me tell you something, tortoni.

You let your daughter call you "michael"?

[ Giggles ]

No, dr. Tortoni, it's me.

It's me, jay.

That's jay, your wife?!

Yeah! Wow.

Now I see why you got that big smile on your face.

Look what you got there. Huh?

I got some implants for you in my bag.

Look at these, huh? [ Sniffs ]

Smile if you like them.

Oh, these are nice.

These are -- these are nice.

Look, I don't -- here. Give me that.

Here. We don't want them. I don't like them.

You look like you liked them.

What can I do for you, young lady?

And I mean young. I mean, beyonce, move over.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, um, dr. Tortoni,

I just come down here to tell you that you do great work.

Thank you so -- [ giggles ]

You look like an infant.

Look, how do I get this stupid smile off my face?

Marry my wife.

[ Laughs ] sit down.

Seriously, you know,

Why don't you try some of these muscle relaxers, huh?

Will they work?

Look at me. Look at me.

Would I lie to you? The guy who put that smile on your face?

Hey, I'm not smiling because I'm happy.

Well, you look happy. Try those pills, okay?

Ciao. Have a good day in court.

Bring in the next case, please.

Mr. Michael kyle.

[ Slurring ] "michael kyle," did he say?

Yeah, man, that's me. That's me.

All right. All right.

Over there, right? Okay.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Whoa.

How does it look? Huh?

Here. Use it as chest hair.

It looks better. There you go.

Hey, partner, what's happening?

Are you drunk?

No, sir.

I had a muscle relax-- muscle --

A muscle relaxant.

Five of them.

You better pull yourself together.

You're gonna have to respect the law.

I respect the law, sir. Yes, sir.

What's that, a gun?

You ever shoot somebody with that gun?

Go ahead.

Just kidding. [ Chuckles ]

Okay. Raise your right hand.

Right hand. Your right hand.

Oh, not the fun hand.

Okay, the right hand, the correct hand is there.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

And nothing but the truth?

I do. And I do, too.

[ Laughs ]

This is a serious proceeding, mr. Kyle.

I know.

I'm sorry, your highness, your mercy.

Have you been drinking?

You're the second person that asked, so...

And if you're serving, I'll have a vodka martini with a twist.

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Do the twist ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Do the twist ♪

♪ Take your bailiff and go like this ♪

Your outrageous theatrics are gonna land you in a bad place.

Not a chubby checker fan, I see.

That's enough, mr. Kyle.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

You don't look it.

I am, ma'am.

Hey, that rhymes -- "I am, ma'am."

How do you like the eggs, green eggs and ham?

Sam, some toast, some jam.

Hey, officer.

You have 10 seconds to wipe that stupid grin off your face.

Your honor, listen, I'm being very honest right now.

I had a little incident with some potox.

I fail to understand what eating pork chops

Has to do with anything!

Potox.

You have five seconds.

Four, three, two, one.

That's it!

I find you in contempt of court.

Bailiff, take happy boy here and lock him up.

Lock him up!

This is such a travesty! I mean, really --

You are out of order! You are out of order!

I'm out of order?! You're out of order!

And this court's out of order! My face is out of order!

Get him out of here! Get out!

[ Sighs ]

Hi.

Are you coming on to me?

Oh, no, no, no.

This is -- this is a... A muscle spasm.

That's all. We're just spasming over here.

What, I'm not good enough for you?

No, you're beautiful.

If you was a women, you'd be a hairy pamela anderson,

But I'm happily married, thank you.

I'm happily married, too, but he's upstairs in cell "d."

Besides that smile reveals your true desires.

Oh, no, this is -- I'm just not smiling, man.

I'm mad as hell inside.

This is just a bad reaction to some potox.

The doctor injected me on both sides,

And it just froze like this, but I'm mad inside.

This ain't --

Dr. Tortoni?

You know dr. Tortoni?

Tortoni?

Thanks to that quack,

I spent a whole day by my mother's deathbed

Grinning ear to ear.

Oh, that's not good.

She thought I was happy to see her die.

Yeah. You weren't, were you?

Yes, I was. You were?

But I didn't want her to know it.

She would have written me out of the will.

Fortunately, she stopped breathing.

Stopped just like that, huh?

I wish, but she fought like a tiger.

Meow! Aaah!

Flush. Flush.

Chewed up two pillows.

That's bad.

You know, when I get out of here,

I'm gonna go right to dr. Tortoni.

I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.

When I get out of here,

I'm gonna go to tortoni's office,

And I'm gonna kill him!

Aaah! Flush. Flush.

Well, look, if you need a ride, I'm the guy.

I'd be happy to give you a ride.

Wow.

Your skin is so beautiful,

So wrinkle-free, just like a baby.

No, no, no. You don't underst-- help!

Remember, tortoni is the one you want.

Help! Help!

Hey, hey, do you want a car?

You want a brand-new car?

Hey, baby.

Hey. Did you talk to dr. Tortoni?

Yeah, I sure did.

Did you tell him we were gonna sue him for malpractice?

I opened with that. And what did he say?

[ Imitating dr. Tortoni ] he said, "forget about it.

"There's nothing to get here. You can sue me all you want."

What do you mean, there's nothing to get?!

We could get him for his entire practice!

No, it turns out the guy's not even a real doctor.

He's just a dry cleaner with a hypodermic and a dream.

So he was a fake doctor?

Yeah, ain't that a kick in the head?

Wow. I wonder if a real doctor would get better results.

You know, I heard about this new wrinkle reducer that --

You gotta promise me that you'll never do anything

To change that beautiful face again.

I love you just the way you are.

Thank you.

[ Imitating dr. Tortoni ] now I want to give you two shots.

Come here. What?

Two shots that's gonna put a smile on your face.

No, michael, the kids are still awake!

Bing! Done.

Really? I didn't even feel it.

Bing! Ow!

You moved.

Oh, dad, you would not believe what just happened to me!

You won a i.q. Contest.

No! I got a ticket from the same cop that got you!

Boy, that guy's got a vendetta against the family.

What trumped-up charge he get you on?

Driving backwards off the freeway ramp.

I mean, I was only doing 55.

That's under the speed limit. He has nothing on me.

You know, I'm being railroaded just like you.

This is unfair. This is unamerican.

I'm fighting this.

That's right. You take it to court.

I am taking this to court!

And you know what?

You spend time in jail if you have to!

I will spend time in jail if I have to!

You be the man-wife of cellblock "d" to make your point!

I will be the man-wife of cellblock "d" to --

Oh...

What exactly does the man-wife have to do?

Oh, he cooks, he cleans, he...

Ew!

Maybe I'll just pay the fine.

I think you need to pay that ticket.

Hey, baby. Hey.

Did you dalk to dac -- talk...

Hey, baby.

Hey, did you talk to dr. Tortoni?

I sure did.

[ Both laugh ]

Hey, baby.

Hey, did you hear from the doctor?

I sure did. [ Laughs ]

Hey, baby.

Hey, did you hear from the doctor?

[ Laughing ] I sure did.

Do it right!