Original subtitles

Good morning, mistake.

Hey, dad.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, congratulations, dad.

Tomorrow is your anniversary.

Yep, 19 years.

Do you have any idea what you're going to get mom?

Yep, this dress right here.

Oh, okay, but how do you know this is what she wants?

Because women are very obvious.

Your mother put this picture

In different places around the house.

There's two in my dresser drawer,

There's one in my car, and two by the toilet --

Well, actually one left. Caught a short roll.

Ew.

[ Whistles ]

What do you think she's going to get you?

I don't know,

But whatever it is, I'm not going to like it.

Your mother, as sweet as she is,

She's the worst gift-giver in the world.

What kind of gift does she give you?

Everything that I can't use --

Soap on a rope, a basket of flowers,

An afro pick.

Why don't you use reverse psychology?

Just place a clipping of what you want

All around the house.

That doesn't work on your mother.

And don't say anything

Because she's very sensitive about her gifts.

Hey, baby! Hey.

[ Sing-song voice ] I have a surprise for you.

[ Sing-song voice ] I hope it involves some nakedness.

Guess what I have in my hand.

Get naked and give it to me.

No!

It's your anniversary present, baby.

I can't wait for you to open it tomorrow.

I want you to open it right now.

Happy anniversary.

Can I guess what it is?

Yeah, okay, go.

All right, uh...

An autographed picture of michael jordan.

That don't even make any sense.

You know I don't know michael jordan.

Okay. Uh...don't tell me.

It's an autographed picture of you.

No. I gave that to you last year.

Oh, right, with the afro pick.

Right.

Okay, let me just open it.

Just open it. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

Okay...

Oh...what is it?

Babe, what does it look like?

It looks like a farmer standing next to a llama

Somewhere in peru.

That's it! That's it, baby!

I'm going to peru!

I always wanted to see lake titicaca.

Lake who? Titicaca!

Come again. Titicaca.

Wow, well, except for the "caca" part,

That sounds like a great place to visit.

Boy, sit down and shut up!

A trip to peru.

Baby, you really outdid yourself.

No, no, michael, you're not going to peru.

I'm not going to peru?

No.

What did you get me, a farmer?

No.

What, a llama?

No, you gave the llama to the farmer!

I bought it in your name.

So, my present from you

Is that you bought a present for someone else from me.

Yes! Isn't it great?!

Wow, that's an interesting concept.

Let me -- let me --

Okay, so, let me get it straight.

For our anniversary...

Uh-huh.

You gave a farmer in peru a llama in my name.

Yes!

Wow, wait, I really got to focus on this one

Because this is so unique.

Okay, the gift from you to me --

Yeah.

Is a gift from me to him.

That's it, baby, that's it!

That's right. His name is uchma.

Now, babe, I was going to get the water buffalo,

But I thought that's too over the top.

Yeah, we only been together 19 years.

You can't be just giving away water buffaloes.

That's not cool.

No, we should wait for the silver anniversary.

Then we give that.

Right. Baby, do you love it?

Do you love it, seriously?

You know what? I-i'm speechless.

See? I knew you would be.

This tops everything.

[ Shrieks ]

This tops the wooden shoes you gave me.

Oh, those were nice, though.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

You know what I wish?

I wish I could have saw achma's face when he saw that.

No, uchma.

Uchma.

Achma is the farmer's wife.

But of course. Right.

Yeah.

Wow, so, what's the llama's name?

Oh, baby, that's the best part.

The llama's name is michael!

It's named after me! Yes!

Happy anniversary, baby!

Give me some sugar!

[ Groans ]

Junior: this is a bad idea.

No, it isn't.

We can't afford to buy them anything good,

So I'll just make them an anniversary dinner.

Tony loves my cooking, right, tony?

Yes, your food is twice as good as everyone else's.

It's time we ate.

Breakfast is served.

Ahh.

This looks great.

Wait, there's a sauce.

Mmm. A smidget for you...

A tibbet for you...

A winkle for you...

And a tinkle for you, too.

Doesn't that look good?

It looks like you popped the biggest zit in the world.

Just taste it.

Uh...go ahead, tony. You taste it.

I'd be honored.

[ Sighs ] just let me pray first.

Mmm.

Delicious.

Eat a little more.

[ Sighs ]

Just let me pray again.

Mmm, mmm! Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm!

Oh, look, an eagle!

[ Gasps ] where?

Did you just spit my food out in that plant?

Uh, yeah, actually, it was a little bit hot.

[ Whining ] you hated it, didn't you?

Listen, no, hon, look --

Maybe a few cooking lessons wouldn't be such a bad thing

Before you cook a big anniversary dinner.

My cooking's not that bad.

Oh, my god!

[ Laughs ]

What am I going to do?!

Who can teach me to cook in one day?!

[ Clears throat ]

Perhaps I can help.

How?

It just so happens that I spent my summers

Beside the world-famous alain ducasse.

Is there anything you can teach me to make in one day?

Sure. Coq au van is almost foolproof.

Mmm. I love cocoa.

No, coq is french for chicken --

Hence, coq au vin is chicken with wine.

I can't drink wine.

You know what?

I just thought of something even easier --

Poulet le moutarde.

Hey, hey.

I ain't eating no retarded poodle.

No, poulet is french for chicken.

Coq is french for chicken, poulet is french for chicken.

Is everything in french chicken?

Well, it sure looked that way when we invaded iraq.

[ Laughs ]

Come on, people. Pick up a newspaper.

Hey, where are you going?

I can't tell you. It's a secret.

Ooh, a secret. I like secrets.

Come on, baby.

Is it a little secret or a big secret?

It's a big secret.

This may be the biggest secret yet.

Really, michael? Come on, tell me what it is.

Please, baby, come on.

No.

Okay, I'll make you some peach cobbler.

Peach cobbler?

Extra crisp.

I tell you what -- I'll give you a hint.

It's fun, it's sexy...

And it's something you don't have yet.

[ Gasps ]

Now, you simmer on that.

And don't forget my cobbler. Ooh!

Ohh.

What's fun and sexy? I don't --

Wait, junior...

What is fun and sexy that I don't have?

Giant knockers? [ Laughs ]

Why even bother talking to you, junior?

Get out! Just get out!

Claire!

Baby, come here. Mommy needs you!

Claire...

What is fun and sexy that I don't have?

Giant knockers? [ Laughs ]

Finished?

Or could it be the dress you have posted all over?

[ Gasps ] baby, maybe that's it.

[ Shrieks ]

My little hints worked, yes!

Now, baby, let that be a lesson to you!

To get what you want from a man,

You have to force-feed their minds.

Men are very weird about gifts.

They don't want to have to think.

They want you to tell them what you want

Without actually saying what you want.

Hmm. Well, how do you know what he wants?

Now, see, baby, I'm different, okay?

I just have a natural knack for gift-giving.

You should have seen your father's face

When he saw uchma.

Mom, you're good at this stuff.

Yes, I am, claire.

But then again,

Why would dad get you what he knew you already expected?

Ooh. Ooh.

Young lady, you have a point there.

Ohh.

Now, maybe it's bigger than the dress.

Maybe it's something in addition to the dress.

It could be a mink coat. Ooh.

Or diamonds.

Girl, stop playing.

Think about it.

Ooh, a mink coat, diamonds, and a dress?

Oh, my!

Mink coat, diamonds, and a dress, oh, my.

Mink coat, diamonds, and a dress, oh, my.

Mink coat, diamonds, and a dress, oh, my.

Mink coat, diamonds, and a dress, oh, my.

[ Laughs ]

So the other scientist says,

"That's not a hypothesis. That's a hypotenuse."

[ Laughs ]

Hypotenuse -- get it?

No.

It's funnier in latin.

All righty, then, let's get to work.

Oh, my god, what is that thing?!

It's an uncooked chicken.

Well, it looks gross. Let's cook it.

What do I do?

Well, first, you have to clean it.

Okay, I'll put it in the dishwasher.

Light cycle, right?

[ Laughs ]

It's funnier in latin.

Let's see.

[ Speaking latin ]

Nope.

Look, cooking is serious business.

Now, when it comes to poultry,

It's a good idea to clean it with your hands.

No way. I just got my nails done.

The chicken just had his head cut off.

Do you think he cares about your nails?

Now, stick your hand in there

And pull out anything you can find.

Stick my hands in where?

In the cavity. What cavity?

I didn't know chickens had teeth.

[ Laughs ]

Well, that was funnier in latin.

Hold on.

[ Speaking latin ]

[ Laughs ]

You're right. It is funnier in latin!

You'd be hysterical in the vatican.

You could open for the pope.

[ Both laugh ]

Anywho...

I mean the cavity in the chicken.

You mean -- yep.

How about...

I just cook some popcorn?

Look, missy,

I'm missing "jeopardy!" For this,

And it's a tournament of champions!

You can watch "jeopardy!" Any night.

I'm supposed to be on it.

Now, take your hand, stick it in that chicken,

And pull out those guts.

[ Whines ]

And remember --

You're not the chicken, he is.

[ Whimpers ]

Ahh.

Now, turn to page 30.

Those are the shoes I'm going to wear

With the dress.

Ma, I gotta go. He's here.

I gotta go! I gotta go!

Hey.

Hey, sweetie.

Hello, beautiful.

What you got there?

Well, it just happens to be your anniversary gift.

[ Gasps ] it is? Mm-hmm.

Let me see, let me see.

No, no, no, no. Not this.

This is a sport coat that I bought for myself.

Oh.

Here goes your anniversary gift.

Ooh. What is it, a gift certificate?

I'm not going to tell you,

But it does involve a certain dress.

[ Gasps ]

Michael, come on. Let me open it, please?

Go ahead. I can?

Let me see your face.

Oh, look at the face!

Huh?

Michael, what the -- what is this?

What? Come on.

Baby, what is this?

That's uchma's wife, achma. You should know that.

Well [sighs]

Why is this heifer wearing my dress?

Because you gave it to her.

Doesn't she look good in that?

I mean, she look a'ight.

Babe, I don't remember all the black beading at the top.

I don't remember that part.

Oh, no, those aren't beads. Those are flies.

They come off of michael the llama.

And look at this one.

See that fly right there in her nose?

I named that one after you.

That's jay.

Babe, let me get this straight --

You're giving me this dress?

No, I'm giving her the dress from you.

Okay, hold on, hold on.

I gotta think this through

Because things are confused right in this region.

Okay...

Your present to me... Uh-huh.

Was to give my dress to her from me?

Yes! Exactly!

Isn't that great?

Yeah.

You see, baby, I knew you wanted that dress.

Yeah!

But to give you that dress would just be so normal.

So I wanted to do something unique.

And then when you gave me that picture of uchma

Standing next to michael, the light went off.

Bing! Bing! Why?

And I said to myself,

"I got this warm, fuzzy feeling.

I want jay to feel this same warm, fuzzy feeling."

Do you feel warm and fuzzy?

I'm feeling something.

Happy anniversary. Give me some sugar.

Give me some sugar. Give me some sugar!

Soap on a rope.

Hey, what's all this noise out here? Nothing.

Are you mad about something?

What would I be mad about, michael?

I know. It's our anniversary.

We got to be happy on this day.

Ooh. Testy. What?

I wonder what claire prepared us for dinner, huh?

You know what would be great, baby?

If whatever she gave us we gave to uchma and achma.

[ Scoffs ]

Yeah, that would be great, michael.

Give that.

I mean, she looks so happy in your dress.

Look at that.

All of them are happy, even the fly.

Look at little jay just buzzing around --

[ Buzzing ] I'm so zappy. I'm zappy. Bzz.

[ Chuckles ] it feels so good to give.

Yeah.

You know what?

Next year, let's do something different.

Let's do hawaii.

[ Gasps ] really, michael?

Yes. Really?

Let's send uchma and achma to hawaii...

First class.

We'll get them a nice little beach,

Maybe a side room for the llama, you know.

And then a little, little room for little jay

To buzz around in.

That's great. Yeah. You do that.

Champagne and the whole nine, yeah.

Kids: happy anniversary!

Yeah, yeah, for achma.

Hey, mom, where's dad?

He's back there somewhere.

Here I am.

Kids: happy anniversary!

Thank you.

[ Door closes ]

Is it soup yet?

I'm glad you made it, oh, great teacher.

Just a disclaimer --

I had nothing to do with the preparation of dinner.

I told claire what to do and sent her on her own...

Before she removed the second gizzard.

I'm sure it's going to be great.

The proof is in the pudding,

Which I also had nothing to do with.

Okay. Bon appétit.

Yeah, let's just eat, shall we?

Mommy, what did daddy get you for your anniversary?

Oh, honey, daddy didn't get mommy anything

For her anniversary,

But some peruvian lady got a nice dress.

Why?

That's because some peruvian man got a nice llama in my name.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, I think I want to be peruvian.

Me too. That's the home of lake titicaca.

Why don't we forget about gifts and peru and lake titicaca

And just concentrate on this lovely meal I made.

You're right, baby.

Why is it so cold?

Huh. It is kind of cold.

Did you put it in the oven?

Of course I put it in the oven.

For how long?

Two hours.

That should be fine then.

What temperature did you set it on?

Temperature? What do you mean?

Back away from the chicken!

Don't eat any chicken!

Did I do something wrong?

No, you did something wonderful, okay?

But you know what?

Let's all go out for dinner, huh?

My treat -- pizza.

Now you're talking.

Yay, pizza!

Pizza and a picture --

This is an anniversary I'll never forget.

Give me some sugar.

Well, that was an anniversary to remember, huh?

[ Scoffs ]

The best thing about the whole damn day

Was claire's poison chicken.

Do I detect a note of -- of disappointment?

No, you don't detect a note, michael.

You hear an entire symphony. You know what?

I was very disappointed that I didn't get the dress.

There, I said it.

It may be selfish, but you know what?

I only get one anniversary a year.

You know what?

I was thinking the same thing

When uchma got the llama in my name.

Yeah.

I said it. There.

You know what?

I go out of my way every year to do something special for you,

And I feel that you should do the same thing for me.

What could be more special than soap on a rope?

Look, I don't mean to criticize your gift-giving,

But it sucks.

I really thought that you would enjoy

Giving something to somebody else.

Yeah, I did just as much as you did.

All right, all right, I get it.

I still think what we did for uchma and achma was beautiful.

We just should have done something beautiful

For one another.

You're right.

Something like -- excuse me.

Michael. Ahh! Stop!

You mean something like this?

Michael, I do not want your sports jacket.

No, look, it's not a sports jacket.

[ Gasps ] oh, my dress!

My dress! My pretty dress!

Oh, michael! Baby!

What about the picture with achma?

There is no achma.

I did that on the computer down at work.

It turns out that uchma is a llama-lover

In more ways than one.

Eww. Stop.

Talk about a gift that keeps giving.

Will you stop?

Oh, my dress is beautiful.

Happy anniversary.

Thank you.

Give me some sugar like uchma and achma.

This is an eskimo kiss. They're peruvian.

Go ahead, put the dress on.

Right now?

Yeah, the sooner you get it on, the sooner I can get it off.

Ooh, you so bad. Okay, I'll put the dress on.

[ Chuckles ]

♪ Happy anniversary, happy anniversary ♪

♪ Happy anniversary, happy anniversary ♪

Okay, today we're going to start with the absolute basics.

You're going to cook minute rice.

How long is that going to take?

Tell me she's kidding.

Your student, your problem.

[ Smooches ] good morning.

Good morning, baby.

I'm surprised that after last night,

You don't still have that dress on.

Michael, the kids are standing right there.

Oh, we heard you.

Hey, why is michael jordan's picture on the milk carton?

Is he missing?

Turn it over, dad.

Read it out loud.

"Each serving contains 11% carbo--"

No, no, the other side, the other side.

"To my wonderful husband, you have been enrolled

"In next year's michael jordan fantasy camp

"In las vegas, nevada.

Happy anniversary."

I'm going to jordan camp!

[ Laughs ]

Give me some sugar. Give me some sugar.

Oh, michael, she's beautiful!

There is no -- there is no achma.

There is no achma.

I did that on the computer down at work.

It turns out that uchma is a llama-lover in more one --

More ways than one. Okay.