Original subtitles

Baby, are you gonna join us for dinner?

Nope. This is my dinner right here.

A small can of diet shake?

Yeah, because when I finish with this diet,

I'm gonna be able to shake my small can.

[ Cackles ]

Okay, well... It's not funny?

No, there's nothing funny about your diets, mom.

I mean, every time you try to lose weight,

You get all crazy when we bring candy in the house.

Yeah.

That is because I need you guys as support.

You know, I do a lot for all of you,

And the only thing I ask is you keep the junk food away from me.

No problem, mom. You can count on us.

Who likes chocolate?

Me, me, me, me!

Your diet, your diet!

Baby, baby, the can! The can!

Your small can, remember?

Right. ♪ Shake the can, shake the can-can ♪

Yeah. ♪ 'Cause you can-can ♪

Who needs chocolate anyway when I have skinny-kwik!

This isn't just any chocolate. This is school chocolate.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

School chocolate?

Th-they put belgian cocoa in school chocolate,

And that's what makes it really, really good!

Baby, baby!

♪ Skinny-kwik, skinny-kwik ♪

♪ Take a sip so you don't get thick ♪

♪ Skinny-kwik, skinny-kwik ♪

♪ But it tastes like -- ♪

Zip, zip, zip!

The candy sale meeting is tonight.

Oh, see? Now it begins, jay.

They use these kids.

They know that a 7-year-old can't sell all that candy.

Now it's up to us, the parents.

It's something the kids do with their parents.

Plus, the money raised goes to improve the quality

Of our educational system's institutional infrastructure.

[ High-pitched voice ] obviously you don't need anymore learning.

I don't know why you go to school anyway.

You already have two college degrees, right?

To be near kady, duh!

Besides, I'm entitled.

I pay my taxes, too.

Well, I pay my taxes so that my kids already have

A good educational system's institutional infrastructure.

Yeah, and if the schools really wanted to make money,

They'd sell something bigger,

Like cars or space shuttles or magic beans.

Mm-hmm.

On second thought, put me down for a box.

I don't have the form yet.

You're supposed to get all the stuff at the meeting, remember?

No, baby, I can't do the pta meeting.

Not this time.

But you always do!

We're partners. I know, baby.

I'm really sorry about that, but I can't be around chocolate.

Ask your father, because he'll do it if you ask him.

Please, daddy?

Would you be my candy-selling partner?

It would make me so happy for us to do something together.

Aw!

How can I say no to that face?

[ Muffled ] that is so sweet.

How did you get the candy?

Hmm?

Thank you for doing this, daddy.

Hey, I love doing things with my baby girl.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Except that. You're on your own.

Hurry back, baby.

Woman: and now for the most delicious part of our meeting,

I have some information on this year's candy sale.

Last year was a huge success,

But we plan to make this year our biggest ever.

[ Applause ]

They think us parents are suckers.

Every year they try to figure out

Some way to get some money out of us.

It sounds like somebody's kid

Didn't sell out of candy last year, huh?

Last year I sold over 200 bars of candy.

200 Bars of candy?

Hey, willy wonka, you better look out,

Because this oompa loompa is gunnin' for your job.

[ Laughs ]

Did you just call me an oompa loompa?

And now I'd like to introduce the father

Of last year's top seller.

Please put your hands together for mr. Monty owens.

[ Applause ]

Yeah, last year I sold over 4,000 bars,

But this year I'm gonna do even better, huh?

Now, remember --

Whoever sells the most candy wins the grand prize,

A brand-new zmx bike!

Whoa!

Hey, I'll tell you this much!

My little girl's gonna look wonderful

Driving that little bike, huh?

[ Laughs ]

What do you think of that, loompa?

To all of you out there, I make this solemn vow --

That in one week's time

The kyle family will sell 5,000 bars of candy!

No way!

Hey, how did it go? Did you guys have fun?

Oh, it was amazing.

I love spending time with my daughter,

And I want the world to know that.

Now get out of here. I got to talk to your mom.

And that's it?

Yeah, that's it. What do you mean, "that's it"?

What else would there be? With you? Anything.

Okay, last year's winner mocked me, jay.

He said that he could outsell our entire family.

And then he started calling me all these names --

Oompa loompa and acorn.

And acorn.

Do you know how much that hurts?

So I threw down the gauntlet, jay.

Michael richard kyle!

I cannot believe that you let yourself get suckered

Into another contest just to boost your male ego.

I had to! He called me acorn!

Michael!

How many bars of chocolates

Did you commit our family to selling?

It's [coughs].

What? What was that?

I said five [coughs].

Michael, you actually committed your family to selling

500 Bars of chocolate when you know that I'm on a diet?!

When you know that?!

No, jay, I wouldn't do that. That would be crazy.

Five what?

[ High-pitched voice ] thousand.

God!

Michael!

Now, as you know, I have committed this family

To selling 5,000 bars of chocolates.

Oh, my god.

Can it, missy!

Now, in order to achieve that goal,

You will not only be expected to sell chocolate,

But you will be expected to purchase it as well!

How much candy do we have to buy?

I will leave that up to you and your conscience.

However...

I expect a minimum of two bars per pound that you weigh.

Two bars per pound?! Dad, I weight 140 pounds!

That means I have to buy --

Well, carry the one. Divide by seven.

Square root of 53.

Where am I gonna get $3 million for candy?!

Look, dad, I'd love to help you,

But I don't make enough money to buy that candy.

Look, honey, I'm not saying that you have to buy it all.

There's plenty of guys out there that would buy it for you.

You're a beautiful girl. Use that to your advantage.

I mean, bat those eyes. Use your feminine wiles.

Look, repeat after me --

[ High-pitched voice ] I sure would like it

If some big, strong man would buy my box of chocolates.

[ High-pitched voice ] I sure would like it

If some big, strong man would buy my box of chocolates.

Ew!

Mr. Kyle, I found this letter in your mailbox.

It's addressed to you.

"Dear oompa loompa, day one --

"Since last night, my daughter and I have sold 800 bars

"And are closer to winning the bike.

Hope you and your loser kid likes walking."

He's taunting me!

And we must respond.

Okay, then why don't we get out on the streets

And start selling?

Yes, yes, but not you.

I want you in the front office with me.

You're gonna be my consigliere. What's that?

An advisor, a position that's very important to the family.

It's quite an honor.

Hey, I'm your oldest son!

Why does franklin get to be your consigliere?

Well, because you're weak!

I need a wartime consigliere.

We're going to the mattresses.

Oh, the mattresses? Is that where we keep the candy?

Shut up, fredo!

Now I want you to get out there and sell!

Come on, guys! Let's go!

How?

Look, it's easy.

You'll find that most people want to buy your chocolate.

I mean, what kind of monster could resist a cute little girl?

[ Knock on door ]

Hello, my school is selling candy.

Would you like to buy a bar?

No!

[ High-pitched voice ] good afternoon, sir.

I'm a little girl in the first grade.

I don't know how comfortable -- just do it!

And I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time.

I'm a vietnam veteran, and I have a paper plate in my head

'Cause I couldn't afford a metal one,

But I have a chocolaty delicious way that you can help.

Yeah, hi.

I doubt that you're interested in this,

But my boss is forcing me to sell a bunch of stupid chocolate

For his bratty little kid -- what?

Hold, please. Ow!

What did you do that for?

What? Ow!

Just sell the chocolate.

Consigliere, front and center!

So, how are we doing?

Well, I've tabulated the results,

And, frankly, the news isn't good.

We haven't sold 5,000 bars yet?

No. So we're off a little.

How many more bars do we need to sell?

4,000. 4,000?!

Mr. Kyle, I don't mean to be out of line,

Okay, but do you think you might be going a little overboard?

Overboard? We just need a more effective sales force.

That's why I'm introducing you to my new secret weapon.

Send in number two.

Send in number two.

Calvin, come in!

Ah, my glorious new selling machine.

How did it go today?

Well, I've been on the job for two hours,

And I've already sold 300 bars.

Wow! That's unbelievable! How do you do it?

Show him your technique, number two.

I told you I don't like to be called "number two"

Because it reminds me of doo-doo.

Okay, number one.

Number one is pee-pee.

Number three? That's a fart.

87? That's drool.

15? Earwax.

All right, calvin!

Then what do you want to be called?

[ Sighs ] the calvinator.

Okay, calvinator.

Would you please show franklin your technique?

It's simple.

I just walk over...

Mm-hmm.

I look 'em in the eye...

Flash my winning smile...

[ Chuckles ]

And say, "buy some candy?"

Yeah, I wish I could, but I'm on the phone right now.

Oh, I guess he didn't see the winning smile.

[ Singsong voice ] I said, "buy some candy."

Can't you see that I'm busy right now?

I said, "buy some candy"!

For god's sake, buy some candy from him or he'll kill us all!

Okay, I'll take it all!

Good technique.

And then I flash my winning smile and say, "thank you."

You're welcome.

[ Laughter ]

Now buy some more!

Okay.

I'll send someone down to get him.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, franklin, just the guy I need to see.

The calvinator's been arrested.

For what?

He bit a nun.

Why'd he do that?

I don't know.

I guess she didn't see his winning smile.

[ Chuckles ]

Forgive me for being so forthright, mr. Kyle,

But I'm concerned.

So am i.

I mean, we just lost our best salesman.

How am I supposed to beat monty now?

You misunderstand me, mr. Kyle.

This isn't about beating monty.

This is supposed to be about bonding

With something we both love -- kady.

I'm afraid she's getting trampled underfoot

In your mad dash to victory.

Whose side are you on, you little oompa loompa?

Don't you know I only have one day

To sell over 4,000 bars of chocolate?

What sucker do you know that's gonna buy that much candy?

Well, if you insist on continuing down the path

That I warn you will only lead to destruction,

I know someone with the motivation and the money

To put you over the top.

You do? Who?

Talk to me!

Spit it out!

You.

Me?

Yes.

You want to win, don't you?

Yeah.

You want to laugh at monty, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, yes.

But the thought of me buying all that chocolate,

Why, it's preposterous.

Yet it's so preposterous, it's actually brilliant.

And it's so brilliant that it's intriguing.

In fact, it's so intriguingly, preposterously,

Brilliantly, pandemically euphoric,

It might just work.

What in the hell is this?

Victory, jay.

And it tastes so sweet.

I'm on such a sugar high right now.

I'm out of here.

Michael, who bought all these boxes of chocolate?

Me. I did.

Actually, it was

Franklin aloysius mumford's idea.

He's down processing the paperwork right now.

I wrote him the check.

Well, how many candy bars did you buy?

Just enough to put us over the top.

And how much is that?

Hey!

What?

Did you lose weight?

Yeah. You noticed?

'Cause I was really working really hard.

Ooh! Mmm, mmm!

[ Laughs ]

Shake that small can.

Stop, michael.

Shake that small can.

[ Laughs ]

Stop!

Now, how many chocolates did you buy, michael?

I'm not playing. How many?

4,000.

4,000 Bars of chocolate?

Michael, that's $12,000!

I know, but it's money well spent, jay.

Look at this.

Taste. Taste.

Ahh! Taste it!

Huh? You like that, don't you, huh?

Mmm!

Yes!

Stop it!

Stop trying to hypnotize me, michael.

You better get all of these boxes of chocolate

Out of my house now!

Except for this one.

And this one.

Hey, how's it going?

Your kid sell any chocolate?

Actually, he sold 80 bars.

Whoo! 80 Whole bars!

Boy, I sure hope we can beat that!

Jerk!

Well, well, well, if it isn't 4,000-bar monty.

I hope you enjoyed the taste of victory from last year

Because this year I'm serving you up

A piece of loser pie.

[ Chuckles ]

Dad, you're embarrassing me.

Hey, there's no reason to be embarrassed.

I'm proud to be your dad.

Welcome to the award ceremony for our 8th annual candy sale.

I wish I could give the grand prize to all of you,

But I can only award it to the top seller.

So without further ado, this year's winner is...

Stand up, kady. [ Chuckles ]

It's time to shine.

You don't have a chance.

...franklin aloysius mumford!

F-f-franklin?

Why, this is p-preposterous!

Thank you all.

Sophocles defines winning as a state of mind one achieves

When one has done his or her best.

And I believe that that describes everyone here tonight.

Boo! I demand a recount!

Man: sit down!

Jerk!

Ohh!

No man is an island, and I couldn't have done this

Without the help of two very special people --

First, my beloved kady kyle,

The most wonderful flower ever to bloom

On this most wonderful earth.

Now he's going to try to get back in my good graces

By introducing me to all these people here.

Well, this fish is not taking the bait.

How do I look?

And second, I'd like to thank someone

Who's perhaps even more germane to this communal triumph --

My best salesman...

The calvinator.

Calvin?

...ator.

Now, I've written a sonnet

I'd like to dedicate to sister mary.

When the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes hit you,

I weep to the torn-asunder skies and cry.

[ Sniffles ] sorry I bit you.

The end. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, and now I bit you adieu. [Bid]

[ Applause ]

See you next year!

How could franklin do this to me?

I trusted him.

I made him my consigliere,

And he used the words of "the godfather" against me.

"Keep your friends close and your enemies c-c-closer."

Michael, stop it.

Well, as crazy as you got, some good did come out of this.

The homeless shelter said

That was the most delicious donation anyone has ever made.

Yeah, well, I figured

That was the right place to send all that chocolate.

I mean, none of them have teeth anyway.

Michael...

[ Chuckling ] what's wrong with you?

May I have a word with you, mr. Kyle?

Is someone talking?

Because franklin aloysius mumford

Is dead to me.

Mr. Kyle...

I just want you to know that I never had any intention

Of beating you in the candy wars.

Hmm. I just wanted kady to win.

But when your needs surpassed hers,

Well, I felt like it was time

That you were taught a little lesson.

Well, I guess maybe I did get a little out of control.

A little?

Okay, I lost my damn mind. You happy?

You know what, mr. Kyle?

It takes a big man to admit that he was wrong.

Am I alive to you again?

Yes, franklin.

I think we can resurrect our friendship.

But you have to tell me --

How did you sell all those chocolates?

Well, some old friends from harvard bought some,

Plus some of the neurosurgeons at m.i.t.,

And then this one guy put me over the top

By buying 4,000 bars.

Wow, four thou--

Where did you find a sucker like --

Me?

Correct.

I placed your order on my form.

Isn't that clever? [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles sarcastically ]

Hi.

Hello, my love.

I've got a surprise for you.

I wonder what that is.

He just won a bike. What do you think it is?

This is for you.

Oh, my god, a bike! I had no idea!

Why don't we go out and test it out, you guys?

Yeah, come on, everybody.

Yeah, go ahead. Have fun.

I'll just be here by myself...

All alone.

Daddy?

Hey, why aren't you out there

Riding your $12,000 victory bike?

There'll be plenty of time for that later.

Am I too big to sit on your lap?

Of course not.

Do you love me?

Always and forever.

And listen, I want to apologize to you

For the way I was acting this last week.

This candy sale was something we were gonna do together,

And I guess I lost sight of that.

It's okay.

You're crazy, but I like you crazy.

I have a surprise for you.

Really? What is it?

Wow.

A chocolate bar.

Yeah, the last one. I saved it for us.

I smell belgian cocoa!

Ahh!

Here, daddy.

Thank you.

I'm going to say this once,

And I'm going to say it once only --

Damn, this is good.

I'm going to say this once,

And I'm going to say it once only,

But that's not the line.

I'm going to say this one time.

And I'm going to say this -- [ laughs ]