Original subtitles

This is so sweet, junior.

It's nice to know that romance is still alive and kicking.

Ooh! So is the baby!

You want to feel it?

Now, let's not talk about the baby tonight.

Let's focus on me and you.

How about I put on some music?

[ R&b music plays ]

Ooh. No, that doesn't help.

Mmm.

[ Hip-hop music plays ]

You know, let's just try again.

[ Remixed lullaby plays ]

You know what? Let's forget the music.

We'll make our own music.

[ Laughs ]

Oooooh! Kissing!

Get out!

But mom told me to put my bike away.

All right. Well, leave it there. I'll get it later.

Now, go on! Go on! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

[ Sighs ] now, where were we?

I think I was about to kiss my baby's dad.

Don't let me interrupt. I just need to unload.

Yeah, you and me both.

So, what are you kids up to?

Nothing much.

What's up with you, junior?

Don't ask.

Did I interrupt something?

No, no, no.

Vanessa and I were just sitting here --

Candles lit, soft music --

Wondering, "hey, when is mom gonna come in

And change that load of clothes?"

Do you guys want me to leave?

Yeah. All right, okay, okay.

After I fold these clothes.

Mom!

All right! I'm leaving!

You need to watch that tone before I bash you

In front of your little girlfriend.

I love you! Love you! [ Smooches ]

Now I know we won't be interrupted.

[ Laughs ]

[ Horn honks ]

Michael: hey, guys. What's going on?

Nothing now. How about a little privacy?

Oh, sorry.

[ Car beeps ]

Maybe we should try this later, junior.

Hi, mr. Kyle. Hey.

Bye, mr. Kyle.

Thanks a lot, dad.

For what?

You mean you and her...

With the baby?

Ew!

You little pig!

Do you know that you can

Damage the baby's soft spot with that?

You did this to me? The dent?

You told me I fell!

I can't live like this anymore.

Like what?

I have no privacy.

Hey, don't jump down my throat

Because you lost the privilege of being in the house.

It's your fault you couldn't follow the rules.

Maybe it's time for me to move out,

Start making my own rules.

Where you gonna move to? The driveway?

Maybe.

I might even go further than that

And get my own place.

Look, you make $300 a week,

You have no credit,

And you're not gonna get a lease without an adult cosigner.

Well, you could -- no.

Well, mom -- unh-unh.

Well, vanessa's parents -- no, no, no, no.

[ Sighs ]

Junior, we provide a roof over your head,

Food on your plate, and clothes on your back.

Yet, you want to sit around complaining.

If that's not good enough for you,

Hey, so long, see you, sucker,

Bon voyage, arrivederci, later, loser,

Good-bye, good riddance, peace out,

Let the door knob hit you where the good lord split you,

Don't come back around here no more,

Hasta la vista, kick rocks, and get the hell out.

Well, since you put it that way, I will.

It's time for me to leave the nest,

Spread my wings and fly.

It's gonna have to flap real hard

To get that big dodo-egg head off the ground.

You made it like this.

Ew!

You did what?

I didn't do anything.

He said he wanted to leave, so I said "good-bye."

No, no, no. I know you better than that, michael.

You didn't just say "bye," now, did you?

I said, "so long, see you, sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci,

"Later, loser, good-bye, good riddance, peace out,

"Let the door knob hit you where the good lord split you,

"Don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista, baby,

Kick rocks, and get the hell out."

Do you mean to tell me that you told my son,

"So long, see you, sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci,

"Later, loser, good-bye, good riddance, peace out,

"Let the door knob hit you where the good lord split you,

"Don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista,

And get the hell out," to my baby?

No, actually, I said, "so long, see you, sucker,

"Bon voyage, arrivederci, later, loser,

"Good-bye, good riddance, peace out,

"Let the door knob hit you where the good lord split you,

"Don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista, baby,

"Kick rocks...

And get the hell out."

You forgot the "kick rocks." That's really important.

Michael, how did he react?

When you said, "so long, see you, sucker,

"Bon voyage, arrivederci, later, loser,

"Good-bye, good riddance, peace out,

"Let the door knob hit you where the good lord split you,

"Don't come back around here no more,

"Kick rocks,

And get the hell out"?

Actually, you left out the "hasta la vista"--

Oh, michael! I swear to--

Don't say it again, 'cause I'm on edge, I swear!

You have had it in for junior

Ever since we caught him in our bed.

That's right. That was a serious violation.

I had every right to put him in the garage.

If the garage ain't good enough for him,

Then let his ass hit the ceiling.

What does that mean?

I don't know. My father used to tell me that all the time.

When I questioned him on it,

He kicked me so hard, my behind actually hit the ceiling.

Michael, this is my baby we are talking about here.

Yeah, well, it's time for your baby to grow up.

And there's no time like the present.

I want you to guarantee me

That not one hair on that boy's head is gonna get hurt.

The whole head? That's a whole lot of real estate.

How about just the hook part? How about just that part?

He got the hook from you.

No, he got the dent from me.

The hook came from...

I don't want to do this, john.

Look, do you want a cosign or not?

[ High-pitched voice ] who's gonna deny an apartment

To a handsome young man like yourself

With muscly arms?

And a sweet, old, voluptuous granny?

Yeah, well, let's hope you're right.

I am!

Why don't you give your granny

Some good luck sugar?

Not too much, though.

Don't want to start up the diabetes.

Don't overdo it.

And finally we come to the master bathroom.

Ooh. I like the sound of that,

Because I'm gonna be the master of this house.

[ Laughs ]

Charming.

Oh, you remind me so much of my daughter.

I haven't seen her in over seven years.

Could you make old granny happy

And rub chests with me?

I beg your pardon?

A hug.

Oh.

Oh, that's nice.

You know, where I'm from,

We used to hug from behind, like this.

Junior: granny!

John: what?

Check out this drinking fountain.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not a drinking fountain.

That's a bidet.

A what? A who?

It's... [ Whispers ]

Ew! Why didn't you just say "a butt-washer"?

Oh, that's nice.

Why don't you hop on that apparatus

And show us how it works?

Junior, you leave. It's just us ladies.

I'll provide the music.

♪ Doo-doo, ch, doo-doo wash it! ♪

Granny!

Granny!

Granny, I think we're about done here.

Why don't you go wait in the car?

Unh-unh, I ain't sitting in that hot, old car

With the windows all rolled up.

That's how you killed grandpappy.

Hey, don't hit me!

Whoa! Oh, oh, oh!

Stop! Stop it!

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Hitting a defenseless old woman.

Are you all right?

Oh, I'll be fine. Just don't let me go.

Mmm. Now, work it a little bit.

Why don't we get down to business?

That's what I was trying to do.

Boy, people sure aren't as friendly

As they used to be in the olden days.

I'll take the apartment.

It's yours!

And it's a steal at only two a month.

That's exactly what I was expecting to pay!

$200 A month!

[ Laughing ] that's funny!

What's funny?

Well --

You're not kidding, are you?

No, I mean, $200 is the upper end,

But I'm willing to go that high.

This is $2,000 a month.

Ohhh! $2,000?

Ohhh! Oooh!

Uh, well...

Do you have anything in my price range?

Well... [ Sighs ]

I suppose, if we lowered the bar a little bit.

That'd be nice.

[ Giggles ]

[ Smooches ]

[ Giggles ]

[ Giggles, smooches ]

I think I'm gonna puke.

Michael: we could watch a movie together.

No, thank you.

How about we go out to dinner-- I am so not interested.

Not interested. Um--

Wow, mr. Kyle. What did you do?

Uh, that's none of your business.

No. Let me tell you what he did.

He told junior, "so long, see you, sucker,

"Bon voyage, arrivederci,

"Later, loser, good-bye, good riddance, peace out,

"Don't let the door knob hit you where the good lord split you,

"Don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista,

Kick rocks, and get the hell out."

You told him, "so long, see you, sucker, bon voyage, arrivederci,

"Later, loser, good-bye, good riddance, peace out,

"Don't let the door knob hit you where the good lord split you,

"Don't come back around here no more, hasta la vista,

And get the h-e- double-hockey-sticks out"?

He forgot the "kick rocks"--

Michael, don't start it.

Don't--i told you-- i--don't--

Well, I can see why you're in trouble, mr. Kyle.

Mind your business, please. Thank you.

I'll say a prayer that junior finds a nice apartment.

There's no way junior's gonna find a nice apartment

Making $300 a week.

I found an apartment!

Praise the lord! Yes!

Congratulations, junior!

Where is it, baby?

It's in a developing neighborhood downtown.

Oh! Is it nice?

The realtor said it's nice-adjacent,

But it's in my price range.

How did you get an apartment

Without an adult cosigner?

Don't worry about it.

I did what I had to do.

I've heard all your stories

About you doing whatever it took to become a success.

That's what I'm doing.

I was so worried about you.

Oh, it's nothing to worry about.

I'm inviting everyone over for a housewarming dinner.

Is there something we can bring to this housewarming?

Yeah, I could use a couple small things --

Plates, forks, cups, linens, draperies,

A cutlery set, a refrigerator, an oven, a sink, hot water--

You don't have hot water? Nope. But I have cold water.

Negotiated that.

[ Laughs ]

Baby, this seems like a bad neighborhood.

Seems like?

Hey, why is that woman out there standing in the cold?

We should give her a ride.

I think she's waving at us.

Hey! Hey, pretty lady, you need a ride?

Man: no, I'm cool. You want to play?

Wow. Her voice was deep.

Maybe she just had a sore throat, right?

Yeah. Or a penis.

Hey, is that guy in the alley making a--

No, no, no. He's just tying his shoe. Back up.

This neighborhood is creepy.

Why are we doing this again?

We are going to support your brother.

Maybe this is just the neighborhood

We have to pass through to get to junior's place.

Nope. That's the address.

Michael: oh, no thanks. Man.

Look! Someone drew a person on the sidewalk with chalk!

I wish they'd draw me!

Uh, no, you don't.

I am scared.

Daddy, I'm scared too.

Just don't hold my hand so tight.

That's not me.

Oh, sorry, mr. Kyle.

You better get your little monkey paw out of my hand.

Yo. What do you want?

I'm here to see my son.

Is he one of the junkies? No.

Is he a crackhead? No.

Is he here with one of the prostitutes? No.

Then you must mean that new big-head kid on the third floor.

Yeah, that's him.

Okay, then parking is $5.

$5?

$9!

Stop being so stubborn!

This is coming out of your allowance.

See? Here's $10.

I ain't got no change.

And I don't accept nothing

Smaller than a $20.

Here.

Welcome to the broken arms.

I also offer child-care services.

Don't push it.

Come on. Get your sister.

Go, go, go, go, go. Hurry. Wait for us.

[ Knock on door ]

Coming, coming.

Hey, dad. Welcome to my humble abode.

[ Toilet flushes ]

More like... Commode.

Come on, dad. So, what do you think?

I think you need to get your $200 back.

Oh, it's not that bad.

Oh, no?

I think they're overcharging you by at least $196.

Everyone make yourselves at home.

Unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh.

You can't sit in that chair. Why not?

Because that's the king's chair,

And in my house I'm the king.

I don't want to sit

In this little ratty chair, anyway.

Why don't you give us a tour of the place, king?

I'd be happy to.

Over here, we have the cooking/heater/dryer area.

And as I sashay over here,

You can see the dining area/ironing board.

And right behind me

Is the elegant tub/bed/bidet area.

Kady: is there a restroom,

Or do I have to use the alley/corner/bathroom?

Right through there.

I can't use this bathroom.

Why not?

Your dog is sitting on it.

I don't have a dog.

Aaaaaah!

[ Knocking on door ]

Excuse me, I'm gonna get the door.

Hey, baby. Welcome to my new home.

So, what do you think?

[ Laughing nervously ] it's intimate.

Yeah.

It's fabulous.

Oh, this is a nice little place.

Mm-hmm.

It's a step up from where we started.

Remember that subway car?

I remember it was hard to sleep.

Next stop, 49th street.

Ding.

Next stop, 42nd street.

Ding.

Next stop, 59th street.

Ding.

Oh, remember when the brakes went out,

And I had to stop it barefooted?

Ooh! My hercules!

Oh, good times, good times.

Oh, yeah.

Well, come further in.

Bring all the shoulders and everything in.

Don't mind if I do.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. You can't sit there.

Why not? That's the king's chair.

Tell him, king. No.

Then why don't the king say so?

Go ahead, king.

Hear ye, hear, ye.

From this day forth, I proclaim

That no one must sit in that chair

Except for the king

And sir calvin.

[ Laughs ]

Sir calvin. You know, I like that.

Why can he sit in the chair,

But I can't sit in the chair?

Hey, my house, my rules.

If you don't like it, you can leave.

Or I can throw you out that window.

No, you cant, 'cause it's painted shut.

Jay: you guys, this is supposed to be a festive occasion.

Speaking of festive occasions, where's your bathroom?

Is that it right over there?

It sure is, sir calvin.

[ Laughing ] sir calvin.

You got enough paper?

Calvin: hey, little fella.

Come on out there.

Don't be scared. That's right.

That's right.

I hope to god he's talking to the rat.

So, what's for dinner, junior?

Tonight, we're having ramen noodles and ketchup.

You know what?

Why don't i, for this homecoming,

I'll take everybody out to a nice dinner, huh?

Somewhere nice.

Oh, false alarm.

But it wasn't a total waste.

You know, michael, these things keep your head warm.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure they do.

Like to try it on? No, no, no.

Let's all go out to dinner.

Woman: I'm gonna kill you.

Uh... Heat up the ramen.

Yeah.

Okay, so, how long are you gonna be mad at me?

Until my son is safe.

He's safe.

He's with calvin and the rat hat.

Michael, I want him out of that hellhole.

You shouldn't be talking to me. Talk to him.

No, no, no. I should be talking to you, michael.

This is another one of your ridiculously grandiose,

Contorted, ill-conceived lessons.

You turn everything into an opera, michael.

[ Singing ] ♪ no, I don't ♪ yes, you do.

♪ No, I don't ♪ yes, you do.

♪ I don't, I don't ♪

Yes, you do.

Yes, yes, yes-- yes, you do!

Michael, I am very serious about this.

He's in real danger down there.

He could go out for a quart of milk and end up on the carton.

You have to talk to him about that.

This is a decision that that boy has to make for himself.

No, michael, I am only asking you

To give the boy some more options.

You're the one always talking about,

"Everything in life is a negotiation."

So, are we negotiating right now?

I don't know.

Is there something that you would like to have...

Ever again?

You would play the sex card?

Hmm.

You think that by withholding love and emotion

And the most sacred bond of matrimony,

It's gonna force me to go against my principles, jay?

Yes.

Warm it up. I'll be right back.

[ Laughs ]

Go, go, go!

[ Knock on door ]

Who is it? It's me, giggles.

Hold on.

Jun--

Hey, dad.

That's junior's little helper. Cool, huh?

Yeah, if you work in a supermarket.

I can do anything in this house

Without having to leave the tub/bed/bidet.

Hey, you want something to eat?

Chips?

No, thank you.

This is junior's little junior helper.

[ Laughs ]

You got it all worked out, son.

I know. Have a seat, dad.

Unh-unh, unh-unh.

King's chair.

There you go.

So, what's on your mind?

Your mother seems to be worried about you for some reason,

And she wants me to convince you to come home.

Why would I want to do that?

Here, I have my own space and no rules.

Juice?

No, thank you.

Okay.

You also have no heat, no hot water,

And no idea how stupid you look in this rusty tub.

I'd rather get hepatitis, rabies, and lockjaw

From sitting in this tub...

You will.

Than to come home and prove you're right,

I can't make it on my own.

Okay, son. You made your point.

And I'm proud of you. You can make it on your own.

But you're not alone in this world anymore.

I want you to look around this apartment

And look around this neighborhood

And ask yourself one question.

What?

Is this where you want to bring your baby home to?

[ Toilet flushes dramatically ]

Well, maybe you're right, dad.

And I'm willing to negotiate.

I'll come home under these three conditions.

Okay.

Number one, you convert the garage into an apartment,

And I'll pay you the same rent as I'm paying here.

Number "b"...

No one may walk into my apartment

Without my permission.

And letter three...

You go and ask dexter to give me my pants back

So I can get out of this tub.

Deal.

Way to negotiate.

Thank you.

There you go.

[ Laughs ]

So, how do you like the new spot?

I love it.

Good, because I love you.

Ohhh!

[ Doorbell rings ]

Come in.

Hope I ain't interrupting.

Good night, guys.

I should have negotiated for no car.

So long, see you, sucker,

Good-bye, bon voyage, peace out,

Let the good lord hit you where the good lord split you.

[ Laughs ]

So long, see you, sucker,

Bon voyage, arrivederci, later, loser,

Good-bye, peace out, good riddance,

Let the good door hit you where the good door...

[ Laughs ]

Actually, I said, "so long, see you, sucker,

Arrivederci, hasta la vista, baby"-- no.

To my baby?

Actually, I said, "so long, see you, sucker,

"Bon voyage, arrivederci, later, loser,

Good-bye, riddance"--

[ Laughs ]