Original subtitles

Hey, good morning, son.

Good morning, dad.

[ Whistling ]

Uh-oh.

What's wrong?

There's no more bowls in the cabinet.

Check the dishwasher.

"Check the dishwasher." What's wrong with you?

If I check that dishwasher, and the dishes are clean,

Then it becomes my responsibility to put it away.

That's creating work for me.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna wait.

Eventually some sucker will come along,

And they'll open it up, and it'll be their responsibility,

I get my bowl, and life is beautiful.

Good morning, guys.

Good morning... Good morning.

Sucker.

Hey, baby, how you doing this morning?

Oh, I'm feeling good. How my babies doing?

Oh, we're doing gr-r-eat! [ Laughs ]

And I must say that you look absolutely...

Stunning this morning.

Really?

Why don't you get a bowl and join us?

Ohh, I don't mind if I do.

Sucker.

[ Both laughing ]

There's no more bowls in the cabinet.

Uh, unh-unh.

Why don't you check the dishwasher?

Sucker.

Oh, good. They're clean.

I'll just put them away first.

All right. Hey, baby?

Could you do me a favor and could you bring me a bowl?

Sucker! Sucker!

Shh.

Michael, can you come up here for a second?

I'm -- baby, it was -- I knew it was empty.

I was gonna empty it,

But junior, he said "sucker" real loud.

Michael, I already know you're lazy.

That's not why I brought you up here.

Look at this. What does this look like to you?

Um...i'm gonna say chocolate-covered raisins.

No, it looks like mouse droppings to me.

There's only one way to find out.

Junior, come taste one of these.

Sure thing, dad.

Boy, sit your butt down!

We got to call an exterminator.

I will not live in a house infested with vermin.

Junior, no vermin. Your mom wants you to leave.

Michael, seriously.

Babe, you know I'm a clean freak.

I won't sleep until I get this mouse out of the house.

[ Laughing ]

What is...

What are you laughing at?

"Mouse out of the house." Get it? It rhymes.

Kind of like "the cat in the hat."

[ Laughs ] yeah! It's like "the son is dumb."

[ Laughs mockingly ] you know what else rhymes?

What, mama?

Until we get this mouse out of the house,

You won't get any panties from this fanny.

Now, call the exterminator.

Why do I got to call the exterminator?

I can do it. I'm the man of the house.

Have faith in me.

Michael, no.

You know every time you try to do stuff around the house,

It backfires on you, honey.

You know you can't do it. You just can't do --

Mnh-mnh.

Did you just say "can't" --

I can't get rid of a little mouse?

Who me? When?

Yeah, just now. I heard "can't."

Right -- right now when I said, uh...

I was making a suggestion

To pick up the phone and call a professional

Because a professional can do it.

I'm the professional.

I'm gonna spend my good money, hundreds of dollars,

For him to lay some traps around the house.

I can do that. It'll be fun for me.

What's going on?

We have a wild mouse in the kitchen.

Aah! Run, run, run, run!

Junior!

[ Laughing ]

Look, baby, I will get rid of this mouse, okay?

You promise?

I promise. I'll get that critter...

'Cause I'm no quitter. And I don't want my wife bitter.

I'll catch that mouse and turn him into a fritter.

And then I'll feed it to the babysitter.

And then -- dad, dad, she's gone. You lost her on "fritter."

I know. The next "itter" was gonna be a dirty one.

Michael, this better work.

Just knowing that there's another thing in this house

That I have to clean up after

Whose name isn't kyle gives me the creeps.

I know. Don't worry.

This mouse doesn't have long in this world, jay.

One of these 1,600 traps is gonna get him.

Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god!

What happened? Did you see the mouse?

No, I just killed a squirrel. It was horrible.

I was driving home from work,

And then the squirrel ran out in front of the car.

I thought he was gonna zig, so I zagged, but so did he.

Oh, poor baby.

I don't see no tire marks on her back.

Michael!

Can't you see the girl is traumatized?

What about the poor squirrel and his family?

I'm sure he told them, "I'll be right back, kids."

The kids are still waiting at the bottom of the tree like,

"I know my daddy.

"When he get home, we're gonna eat nuts and berries,

"And then we gonna run on the power line,

"And then my daddy gonna teach me how to run out in traffic

"And play and dodge.

"And nobody can catch him when he zig and zag.

"'Cause my daddy's the best. My daddy the fastest.

My daddy the strongest. My daddy is gone."

[ Crying ]

Would you shut up?

Shut up!

Claire, don't listen to him. Ignore your father.

These things happen sometimes, baby.

But it was so cute.

I got out of the car to check on it,

And it was laying there like this.

[ Squeals, gasps ]

And it was like it was saying,

"Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me."

Like that? "Help me"?

Look, claire, this is just one of the hazards of driving.

But I still feel awful for killing a living creature.

Yeah, well, you might not want to stick around

Because I'm about to exterminate a mouse.

Now, I done set some traps around this house,

So you got to be careful, all right?

And if you smell something stinky,

It's not junior's feet,

It's some of these expensive cheeses I bought.

Dad, I think those traps are barbaric.

You know, maybe I should relocate it --

Send him out to a nice villa in italy,

And then send him a monthly stipend of cheese.

Really? You'd do that?

Nah, I think I'll just kill him.

You guys are cruel.

Oh, yeah, squirrel killer? You "skriller."

Set the damn traps.

They're all done, jay. You know what?

In about two hours, we're gonna have ourselves one dead rodent.

Good. Hey, you want to hear a funny cheese joke?

Do I have a choice?

No. Okay, here it is.

What do you call a piece of cheese that's someone else's?

I have no idea.

Not your cheese. [ Nacho ]

Get it? Not your cheese.

[ Whistling ]

Oh, man. There's no more cheese.

Hmm.

I can't believe you rented "willard."

I'm studying the enemy, jay.

I must learn his wily ways.

[ Trap snaps ] aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Get it off! Get it off!

Aah! Aah. Oh.

Boy, how did this happen?

I needed a piece of cheese for my sandwich.

[ Sighs ]

Please, check the rest of the traps.

Please, michael. Ignore him.

Oh, my goodness.

What?

Junior, did you take the cheese out of all of these traps?

No, no, just that one.

Aaaaaaaaaah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aaaaaaaaah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aaaaaaaaaah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

[ Shrieking continues ]

Oh!

Hoo! Hoo!

Hoooo!

Ohh, ohh, ohh! No!

I mean, damn, it got away.

Hey.

[ Sighs ]

What is... "Quiet as a dead mouse"?

What kind of sick book are you reading in our bed?

This is great, baby.

There's 119 ways to kill a mouse --

From the instant "smash and smear," see?

To the very slow and intricate

"Hang him by his own tail."

Look at that.

Babe, what about the prudent and always successful

"Call the exterminator"?

Oh, come on.

What, and put a tent over our house

And let the world know

That michael kyle is not man enough

To get rid of a measly little mouse?

Unh-unh. No way, jay.

Can I sleep with you guys tonight?

I'm scared of the mouse.

Aw!

No!

You're too big for that. [ Laughs ]

Besides, your mother and I have plans tonight.

I'll be quiet.

Yeah, but we won't be.

Look, there's nothing to be scared about.

But what if I cut the cheese in my sleep

And the mouse comes sniffing?

Then that'll be one dead mouse.

Now you go on back to bed. Good night.

Okay.

Good night.

Good night.

Okay, so, what else have you learned in this book of yours?

Ooh, I learned how to make a foolproof mousetrap

Using just a box and an olive.

I don't even have to kill it.

Really? Yeah.

Claire will be happy about that one.

We could take it out to the field and let it run free

And get eaten by a snake the way nature intended it.

Good, 'cause I'm not gonna sleep until it's out of this house.

Well, since you're gonna be all up and everything...

No, michael. I'm tired.

So what? I'll do all the work.

Babe, please. Really, baby...

Babe, baby, listen, I'm exhausted.

Claire had me chauffeuring her around all day.

Ever since that squirrel incident,

She won't get behind the wheel.

Well, just lay back, and I'll do the driving.

Michael... Come on.

[ Laughing ]

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

What? What? What now?

I feel him.

Nuh-unh, baby. What if he's watching?

The mouse?

What if he's watching me?

So what? We'll put on a show.

A two-minute show?

Well, to a mouse, that's a long time.

Come on, I'm not afraid to be naked in a room with a mouse.

You know they're scared of snakes, anyway.

Good night, michael.

[ Sighs ]

Shh.

Okay, quiet, quiet.

[ Gasps ] st-st-st-stop.

It's not funny. Stop.

Got him. He's in the box.

You did? Yeah.

How do you know?

Well, there's only one way to find out for sure.

Yep, he's in there. [ Laughs ]

And you thought you could make a fool out of me, didn't you?

Well, you've been caught by michael --

Bing-bing-bi-i-i-i-ng --

Kyle.

Will you stop with the gloating and get that out of here?

Yeah, and you wanted to call an exterminator.

Now, I think that an apology should be in order.

Okay, I apologize.

I shouldn't have second-guessed you.

And?

And you were right, and I was wrong.

And?

And I'm sorry.

And? And if you don't get that thing out of here,

I'm gonna hit you with it.

Okay, okay. I'll get it out.

But first, I got to look at him in his beady eyes.

Michael! Michael! Don't you lift that box.

Silence, woman.

Michael...

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

[ Screaming continues ]

No, no! You had the chair last time!

Michael!

Aah, oh, god.

[ Shrieking ] michael!

What? What?

Did you see how fast it just shot out there?

Did you see the size of that thing?

It was about this big! That's without the tail.

My natural reaction was to protect you.

What?!

You all right? You cool? You cool?

Yeah. Good, 'cause that thing was scary.

Oh, my god.

[ Shrieking ] there it is! Right there!

Aah! [ Shrieking ]

Hurry, get up there! Save yourself!

No-ho-ho-ho!

Michael!! What?

He's after me! He wants me!

Why -- why would you think he wants you?!

Because he knows that I'm claire's father,

And she killed his cousin the squirrel.

Don't you see? It's a vendetta.

You are crazy!

Yeah, I'm crazy as a mouse.

He's good, jay... A little too good.

I'm gonna have to bring out

The heavy artillery for this one.

So, franklin, what kind of mouse am I dealing with here?

Well, judging from the size and density of the droppings,

It could be peromyscus maniculatis,

The deer mouse. Oh.

Although...

[ Sniffing ]

It has the oaky aroma of the notomys amplus,

The notorious short-tailed hopping mouse.

Here, take a sniff.

Ooh, foof.

Most like, you're dealing with reithrodontomys fulvescens,

The highly intelligent harvest mouse.

Although, based on everything you've told me,

It looks like you've got the stephen hawking

Of the reithrodontomys fulvescens.

Well, he's a lot faster than stephen hawking.

Stephen hawking ain't moved that fast

Since he fell off the observatory.

Anyhoo...

So how do we get rid of this thing?

Well, you're gonna kick yourself when I tell you.

It's so obvious.

What is it? What?

Well, I'd call an exterminator.

That's what I said from the beginning.

Aw, phooey!

I'm not calling no exterminator.

I see. This is one of your foolhardy quests --

One of your hopelessly stubborn, boneheaded, misguided pursuits.

Well, let me tell you something.

I'm not gonna stand around and be your sancho panza.

Who?

"Don quixote"?

Cervantes?

Anything?

Look, I got pregnant my last year of high school.

I don't know what his excuse is.

Look, I'm not calling no exterminator, franklin.

This is about honor, okay?

A man has got to do what a man's got to do.

Is that it right there?

Aah! Where?!

[ Laughs ]

Hey! Whoa! Put that bread back.

How am I supposed to make a sandwich?

Don't you know that food and water attracts mice?

Food and water attract everything, including me, daddy.

I'm hungry.

Look, nobody eats anymore food in this house

Until this mouse is gone.

Ohh, daddy!

Baby, listen, I really need your support here, okay?

My mission is almost complete.

And if my calculations are correct,

That mouse now roams somewhere along the garage region.

And once he gets there...

I've got something diabolical waiting on him.

[ Laughs evilly ]

Mom, I don't want to drive anymore.

I'm a menace to society.

Claire, when you fall down,

You got to get right back up on that horse, honey.

If I get on a horse, I'll kill it.

[ Sighs ]

Claire, you're gonna be fine.

Hey, kady, want to go get some lunch with us?

Yes, please.

Hey, you want anything?

Huh?

Yes, I want to bring about the extinction

Of this malignant thing

That has plagued and frightened mankind since its beginning.

Club sandwich it is.

No mustard, a little...

Come on, girls. ...heavy on the mayonnaise.

Bye, baby. Bye, mom.

Hey, dad, what's that noise coming from under the house?

It's a cat. A cat?

Yes!

Four-legged creature that goes, "meow, meow."

Yeah, I know what a cat is.

But what is one doing under our house?

That's not just any old, ordinary cat.

That cat is insane! [ Laughs maniacally ]

I got him from the pound! [ Laughs maniacally ]

Is he dangerous?

Only to mice. He hasn't eaten in four days.

Why would you want that kind of cat anywhere near our house?

Ohh, that's a very provocative question!

And the answer is equally as delicious.

You see, that cat is my furry little hit man!

You see "the sopranos"? Big pussy? Yeah.

Well, that's little pussy!

He's indestructible. [ Laughs maniacally ]

Claire: aah!

What happened?

Claire ran over a cat.

Is that your indestructible little pussy?

[ Laughs ]

Don't you look in your rearview mirror

Before you back out?

Yes, but we don't have a cat,

So I didn't expect to run over one.

Oh, my god. I'm a murderer.

Oh, claire!

Look, baby, it's okay. You're not a murderer.

That cat's number was up, anyway.

It looked like he was chasing a mouse.

Are you serious?

Wait, kady, you saw the cat and you let me run over it?

I figured if I saw it, the driver would see it.

You see this, jay? This mouse is diabolical.

He lured the cat out at the exact same moment

That crazy claire was driving out!

Michael, don't you think you're giving the mouse

A little bit too much credit?

Well, let me ask whiskers.

Whiskers, do you think I'm giving it too much credit?

Meow.

Michael.

You know what? I need to elevate my game.

It's time to bring out the wmds.

What's that?

The weapons of mouse destruction.

It's on.

[ Panting, grunts ]

Come on out, baby.

Come on out. Show yourself.

There you go.

[ Laughs ]

Come on out! Ugh!

[ Panting ]

What in god's name, michael...

Huh?

...have you done to this house?!

What? Oh, my --

I don't see nothing. What?

Take off the damn goggles, michael.

Oh, my goodness.

Look what's happened to the house.

You have ruined this entire house, michael!

Jay, I almost had him. I almost had him.

He was toying with me.

He'd poke his head in and go [squeaks],

Then sneak back inside the hole.

Stick it out [squeaks], in, out, in, out,

Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak.

Stop! Stop it.

I am calling the exterminator,

And he is going to tent this house today.

But, jay, listen! I could get him.

If you just give me another day, I could get him.

I'll just get some little explosive or some anthrax.

I can mail him a letter, a little one --

A letter with some anthrax on it...

And sign it and seal it with cheese.

Stop! Michael, listen to yourself.

You've gone mad.

You know what I want you to do?

I want you to go upstairs,

And I want you to get on the phone, call the hotel,

And make us a reservation.

But, baby, I -- no buts.

It's done, it's over, it's finished.

Okay, maybe I did go a bit overboard.

Just a tad.

A-a tad? A tad?

A tad. A tad?

You think?

Okay, more than a tad.

Okay, but you tell that exterminator

I want to see a body.

Fine, I'll tell him. Now, go.

You know, jay...

In a funny way,

I've kind of come to respect that little mouse.

I mean, his drive, his cunning, his ingenuity, his trickery,

His -- his zeal for life, his knowledge --

Call the hotel!!

Yay! A swimming pool!

I don't ever want to go back home!

Just swim near claire.

At the rate she's going, there's a good chance she'll drown you.

Shut up, junior!

Yeah, be quiet, junior.

The house has to be tented for three whole days,

So you'll have plenty of time to swim.

Yeah, but in the meantime, everybody in the neighborhood

Is gonna look at that day-glo orange tent on our house

And think we're a bunch of pigs.

Claire's right.

They might as well just write, "dirty family" on it.

[ Spits ]

Well, I don't care what color the tent is,

As long as I know that I'm going home

To a house that's mouseless.

You know, I could have had him, jay.

If they had just sold me that plutonium.

I know, baby.

You know you're my big, strong protector, right,

And I always feel safe around you?

Really?

Really.

And I know that given enough time and unlimited resources,

That mouse would have been history.

I would have got him. You would have.

50 Grand, he'd have been gone. Gone.

Come on, my knight in shining armor.

Let's go hit the pool.

Come on, claire.

Hey, listen, we're going swimming.

You don't need this book.

Okay.

Based on everything you've told me,

It looks like you've got the stephen hawking

Of the reithrodontomys fulvescens.

Well, he's a lot faster than stephen hawking.

You should have seen that thing. [ Swooshes ]

Stephen ain't moved that fast since, uh...

[ Laughs ]