Original subtitles

I can't wait to see tony.

He comes back

From his self-imposed purification exile today.

What's that?

Oh, he felt so guilty

About getting drunk and naked at the party

That he went out to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights

To fast and cleanse himself.

I really miss him.

Absence has definitely made my heart grow fonder.

It should be abstinence that makes your heart grow fonder.

Oh, stop. That is so sweet.

Isn't that sweet, michael?

No. He's gonna come back from the desert hungry and horny

And wanting to break both fasts real fast.

Stop.

I bet they're gonna want to go kissing.

Not if he didn't brush his teeth for 40 days.

Since when did this become "pick on claire" day?

Because every day can't be "pick on junior" day.

Greetings and sanitations, everybody.

On second thought...

Oh, my gosh. Is that a puppy?

Oh, it's so cute. What's its name?

Lady.

You sure that's a dog and not a rat?

Oh, lady's a sweetheart, mr. Kyle.

Come on, lady. Give mr. Kyle a kiss.

Uh...duh.

You see, I have a rule.

I don't kiss anything that uses its tongue as toilet paper.

Baby, dogs' mouths are cleaner than human mouths.

Let me lick my butt then kiss you.

That's what I thought.

And look at this -- lady is actually a man.

Yeah, it was supposed to be laddie,

But we just liked lady better.

What kind of gay dog are you raising?

[ Laughing ] what?

Ruff, ruff, ruff. Throw me another balls.

Shut up!

Yeah, dad, leave lady alone. He's got enough problems.

We just came from the vet.

He has to take these little pills for his thyroid.

Are you sure that having a gay dog with a thyroid problem

Is what you guys need at this point in your life?

Yeah, they told us in parenting class

That taking care of a pet is a good dress rehearsal

For taking care of a baby.

Well, I think that's a great idea.

Yeah, I do too...as long as you keep it in the garage.

I never understood that. Why can't we have a dog?

[ Sneezes ]

That's why.

Oh, come on. She's not allergic to dogs.

Oh, she's not? Watch this.

See? Here's kady without dog.

Mm-hmm.

[ Sneezes ]

That's kady with dog.

Without dog... With dog.

[ Sneezes ]

Oh, that's cool. Let me try.

Uh...

[ Sneezes ]

No.

Hey, I'm gonna pick up some of kady's allergy medicine today.

She'll be fine after she takes that.

Okay. Well, until then,

I promise, we'll keep him out of the house.

See you all later.

Bye, lady.

Bye, kady.

Bye, rat.

I gotta go, too. I gotta get my jacket.

I'm gonna drop you girls off at school.

Put your stuff in the car, please.

Okay, mommy.

I will see you later.

Don't forget. You're making dinner tonight.

I thought I would make some of my famous beef stew.

Really?

I thought you might

'Cause that's the only thing you know how to make.

That is not true.

Not only can I make beef stew,

But I can make stewed beef, too.

You're gonna make me late. Goodbye.

Oh, claire! Baby, you forgot your --

Condoms?

Look, jay, condoms.

Not now, michael. I'm in a rush.

No, these fell out of claire's backpack.

Health class.

I'm sure that's where she got 'em from.

Not these, jay. These are thick 'ums.

You need a prescription to get these.

Michael, it's a part of sex education.

Will you just relax?

How do I relax

When condoms are falling out of my daughter's backpack

On the very same day

That her horny boyfriend's coming back from the desert

After 40 days and 40 nights?

How do I do that? Huh? Huh?

Tell me right now how do I do relax, huh?

Help me, help me, help me.

I don't even know. Help me.

Michael, don't start that, okay?

'Cause when you start getting a thought in your head,

You're like a pit bull with a piece of meat.

You just don't let it go.

I am not like that.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no.

I am not... Yes.

Like that. Yes!

At all. Stop!

Not me.

Claire is a very trustworthy girl,

And what you're doing right now is an invasion of her privacy.

I'm trying to make sure

That tony doesn't invade her p-privacy.

Michael, do you remember what happened when I read her diary?

What a disaster that was?

Yeah.

Well, we swore we would never do that --

Not we. You swore.

I was out in the hallway eavesdropping.

Look, they are at an age where things happen, jay.

Those things happen between you and i.

Those things happen between junior and vanessa.

And those things could happen between claire and tony.

And if those things happen between claire and tony,

Then some other things are gonna happen to tony

That he's gonna wish hadn't had to have happened.

That's your answer to everything -- castration.

That's right. It worked for lorena bobbitt.

She hasn't complained a day yet.

Matter of fact, I saw her on tv

Whistling, playing hacky sack.

[ Whistling ]

Michael?

Michael!

Neither one of these kids are planning on having sex, okay?

Hacky sack with lorena bobbitt.

Whoo!

Uh! Okay. Come on in.

Welcome home.

Finished my purification.

Good for you.

I sure am hungry.

Yeah, I bet you are.

Oh, no. Tell me that's not your famous beef stew.

Oh, yes, it is.

Look at that -- chockful of celery and carrots

And potatoes and u.s.d.a.-Grade beef.

Mmm!

Are you drooling, tony?

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Tony? Tony.

Is claire home?

No, she's not back from school yet.

I promised myself while I was in the desert

While eating my last toenail

That I would wait to have my first real meal with her.

You know what? I love your discipline and will.

I mean, me -- if I would have smelled some beef stew

After 40 days that smelled this good,

I'd break down.

I'd just have to have some.

But you -- you mr. Strong will himself.

Boy, look at this. Look at this.

You see that?

I don't know if I could resist some of this.

Ooh! Ooh!

You know how it gets hot in your mouth and you go [inhales]

Oh, this is stupendous here. Mm, mmm.

But you don't want none of that.

I'm probably gonna have to

Take one of these homemade biscuits,

Break that open.

Just sop it up, right? See that?

Dip in there and take a bite.

Mmm!

Ooh, make your toes curl.

Unh-unh. You gotta be strong, tony.

Now, I gotta go out to the garage for a second.

I want you to watch that for me, okay?

Don't let nobody take none.

There might be some hungry guy around here

Just take up all my beef stew.

No, no, no. Don't leave me with the --

Don't leave me with the stew, mr. Kyle.

Please, please, I couldn't take it.

I tell you what, since you like toenails so much,

Why don't I take one of my toenails and dip it in there

And let you get that?

That way, you didn't technically have none.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

I need a toenail clipper.

I got one. I have one.

Okay. Okay.

Which toenail you like?

Can I request the big toe?

But don't you think this one here is better?

Look at that.

No, no, that one's ripe.

Yeah.

Oh. Okay.

It's gonna be spicy, too, 'cause I didn't wash my feet.

That's -- that's fine.

You know what, tony? I'm thinking --

Why have just a toenail full when you can have a whole bowl?

Let me put this thing down.

Here, tony. Tony.

Yes?

Look at me, look at me, look at me.

Huh? Look.

Let's just have some stew, huh?

Me and you. Just two guys sharing some stew.

Okay, mr. Kyle.

Look at that. Look at that, huh?

Wait. Let me ask you a couple of questions first, huh?

Okay.

Tony, do you know what this is for?

I don't want stew that bad, mr. Kyle.

You know what, tony?

I found this in claire's backpack.

I need to know -- are you planning on using it?

Maybe when we get married.

Fine. I'll just put back the stew.

Okay! Okay!

Yes, we're gonna do it! Just give me the stew!

No, don't you --

Get my stew out of your mouth, you little horn dog!

Get it out, get it out, get it out.

Spit it out.

You get out of here. You disgust me.

Hi.

Thank god you're home. Listen, I got bad news.

What? What happened?

Tony was over, and I grilled him.

You grilled tony?

I thought we were having beef stew.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, sorry.

Yeah. Look, we gotta stay serious, jay.

I got him to confess that him and claire want to have sex.

How?

With some beef stew and a toenail.

Wait, what? Toenail and beef stew?

Yeah, my big toenail and some beef stew.

It's on the counter, if you want to see it later.

What's important is we gotta stay focused.

We gotta stop claire and tony from having sex.

This is bad. This is really bad.

It's real bad. Sit down.

I'm crazy. I feel crazy.

You are feeling crazy and you know why?

Because this is one of your little crazy things, michael,

Like running a marathon without training,

Like playing a piano

When you clearly need to learn how to play the piano.

Calm down.

Just calm down?

Just exhale?

Just exhale.

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Exhales ]

How the hell am I supposed to calm down

When my daughter want to offer that boy her honor?

And he wants to honor her offer.

Then it's gonna be honor, offer, honor, offer.

Stop, stop! Michael! Stop!

Listen to me! Leave claire alone!

And get that damn toenail and beef stew

Up off my clean counter now!

[ Sneezing ]

Bring it, bring it, bring it, bring it.

Bring it, bring it.

Have you been out there playing with that dog?

No.

[ Sighs ] yes.

It's all up in here. The tail is all out.

Yes, junior said that I could play with him.

Oh, he did, did he?

You go tell junior he needs to give you

One of the allergy pills I picked up for you today.

And put that dog back into the garage.

Thank you.

Okay. We will take care of that sneeze right now.

Then you can play with lady all you want.

Good.

Okay. Get your medicine.

It says, "take with food."

What kind of food would you like?

I don't know. How about some ice cream?

Good idea.

Okay, get you a nice spoonful of ice cream.

Put the pill in it, give it to you, and...

Rub your throat.

Ahhhhh. There we go.

[ Humming ]

There we go.

What are you doing, boy?

Giving kady her medicine.

By rubbing her throat?

Well, yeah, that's what it says on the bottle.

Let me see this.

Junior, this says for lady kyle, not kady kyle.

You just gave your sister dog medicine!

Hmm.

Run. Run fast!

Okay. Thanks a lot. Thank god.

What did the doctor say?

He said the pills kady took are harmless.

It won't hurt her at all.

That's good news.

What did mr. Junior have to say about all of this?

To tell you the truth, he kind of just shrugged it off.

He even suggested that I give lady two of kady's pills

To balance out the universe.

You know, that boy puts the "oron" in "moron."

How's he gonna be able to take care of his own baby

When he can't even read simple directions on a medicine bottle?

Michael, this could have been a real tragedy.

I know, and I'm not gonna let him off that easily.

This calls for a michael kyle signature moment.

I was thinking more like a michael kyle signature...day.

Yeah? You have something in mind?

Oh, yeah, but it's gonna require the whole family.

Everyone...except junior, of course, because...

[ Whistling ]

Oh, kady.

Oh, my baby.

[ Growling ]

Hey, what's going on?

You happy, huh? Are you happy?

The medicine you gave your sister's turning her into a dog.

Oh, get out of here.

I may have put the "oron" in "moron,"

But I didn't put the "upid" in "dumb."

You think this is a game, huh?

Do you think we're playing?

This is a serious illness she's got.

She's got canine metamorphous syndrome!

She's got cms?!

Yes, and it's all your fault

And there's nothing we can do except hope and pray

And teach her a few more tricks.

Hey, kady, sit up, girl.

Speak, speak.

[ Barking ]

Okay, roll over. Roll over, girl.

Oh, very good. Here you go.

Here you go -- a little treat.

There you go.

Oh, man, what have I done?

Oh, kady, my little baby sister, the horror!

What can we do?!

Hold on a second.

Not we. What can you do?

This is your responsibility. Look at her.

She got fleas.

Get off my table.

You got to feed her and take care of her.

Off my table.

Bad kady! Bad kady!

This is awful. Kady, I'm so sorry.

[ Growls ]

[ Barking ]

Here. Take your sister for a walk.

Take her for a walk.

No.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Take her outside!

Come on, come on!

Outside, kady!

[ Laughs ]

[ Knock on door ]

Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah. Come on in, baby.

What's up with dad? Why's he acting so weird?

Oh. Uh...claire, your father thinks

That you and tony are planning on having sex tonight.

What?!

Yeah, he found these condoms in your backpack,

And you know how your father is.

Once he gets an idea in his head, there's no stopping him.

They're from my health class. I totally forgot I had them.

I assumed they were.

Look, claire, your father's just worried about you

Because of everything that's going on

With junior and vanessa.

You can't blame him for being paranoid, baby.

Well, why didn't he just come to me and ask me?

This is your father we are talking about.

He's got kady downstairs acting like a dog to prove a point.

I hate that he doesn't trust me. It's insulting.

I understand that. Can you try to just let it go?

Okay, mom.

I'll let it go, all right.

Junior, stop teasing your sister.

She likes it when I tickle her belly.

Yeah? Well, I don't.

Why don't you go feed her a biscuit or something?

Okay.

How am I doing?

You're doing great.

When he comes back, I want you to pee on his leg, okay?

No, don't even try it.

[ Horn honks ]

That's tony. I better go.

Where you going dressed like that?

Hump canyon.

Hump canyon?

Yeah. Well, good night. Don't wait up.

Ah...

[ Growls ]

Hey, I'm the dog.

Right, here, fetch.

[ Barking ]

Hump canyon?

Michael -- michael --

I can't take this. I need to --

I need some air.

Don't you do it. Don't go following those kids.

Why would I want to do that?

I don't even know where the hump canyon is.

I'm just gonna go take my car for a walk.

Michael!

Aha! Gotcha!

Hi, daddy. What took you so long?

Don't "hi, daddy" me. Where is he?

Where is he, huh?

Tony? I dropped him off at home,

Then I came up here to wait for you.

Hop in. I brought you some coffee.

Tony?

Bet you feel really stupid, huh?

No. I don't feel stupid. You know why?

Because you're up on hump mountain molesting yourself,

Getting high on caffeine.

Nice try, dad, but you're busted.

You can't deny it.

So, all that talk about tony and romance --

Cheese in the trap.

And, boy, did you take it.

You're in trouble, pal.

I'm sorry.

Z-z-zip it.

I'm not letting you off that easy.

But I found condoms. I mean, I thought that --

No, you didn't think.

You just jumped to conclusions.

You don't trust me.

I do trust you, just not up on humpty lane.

[ Sighs ]

Look, dad, I'm getting to the age

Where you're gonna have to learn to trust me.

You raised me, and now it's time

To have a little faith in the job that you did.

[ Sighs ]

I feel like an idiot. I'm sorry.

You know what this is?

This is the very first claire kyle signature moment.

I taught you well.

Now I'm gonna drive you back to your car and pick up tony

And try to salvage what's left of this evening.

Where are you guys going?

I mean...

Have fun!

I love you, dad.

Not like I love you.

Dad, have you seen kady?

No, not recently.

I left the garage door open for two seconds.

I think she might have got out.

Look, junior, sit down.

There's something I need to tell you about your sister.

Oh, kady, you're back.

Oh, good girl. That's a good girl.

That's a --

I'm not a dog.

Oh.

Did you hear that? Our dog can talk.

A talking dog. We're rich. We're rich.

What's up?

Ow.

Your sister's not a dog. She never has been.

Never? Not even when she peed on my leg?

You're an idiot.

Look, we did this to help you understand

That you need to be more aware of what you're doing, okay?

Had this happened with your brand-new baby,

It had been a lot worse.

You got a lot of growing up to do

And you only have a short time to do it in.

I know what you mean, dad,

And I really will try to pay more attention to stuff.

I do want to be a good father.

I don't want no dog baby.

Hold on.

Okay, you've missed the point totally.

No, dad, I think I understand.

I hope that one day I could be half the father that you are.

Well, you got half the looks and half the brains,

So you're halfway there.

Thanks, dad.

So you were never a dog?

Oh, look.

What?

Ow.

Do you remember what happened when I read her diary?

What a disaster that was?

We swore we'd never do that again.

No, you swore.

I was out in the lobby --

No, you swore.

I was out in the lobby. No.

You swore. I was out in the lobby --

What am I doing in a lobby?

[ Laughs ]