Original subtitles

Jay, will you come on?

Maxwell's not gonna hold the concert for us.

All right, all right, I'm coming.

I'm almost ready.

You're not even dressed? What were you doing?

I'm getting ready to get ready, baby.

It's a process.

What's the process?

Listen, first, I got to take my shower,

Put on my body butter, let that marinate.

Then I gotta do my makeup, choose my hair,

And that completes the first phase, okay?

Now, it takes time to be this beautiful, baby.

Well, I will settle for just plain old gorgeous

If it'll get us out of here any quicker.

Come on. Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Which dress should I wear?

I like that one. I could do things with this one.

I could hike it up in the back.

Yeah, that's nice.

Okay, good. I'll be right back.

[ Sighs ]

Gosh!

[ Knock on door ]

Who is it?

Hello?! Hello?!

Hello, mr. Kyle.

Hey! Frankinpants.

Is my beautiful lotus blossom ready to be swept away

For a captivating evening?

Her chariot awaits her.

Actually, it's just my dad sitting in the car.

[ Chuckling ]

So you ready for this pajama-jama-ready?

Yep, it's the anniversary

Of mozart beginning "the requiem mass."

Wow. Time flies.

I just took my decorations down just a month ago.

So, what are you gonna do there?

Well, first we're gonna play "name that concerto."

Oh, party.

And then I was thinking we'd play a round

Of "what opera did that aria come from?"

Oh, you are the wild man.

Yeah, yeah. [ Meows ]

And then I thought to wrap up the evening,

We'd play a crazy game of "bach, bach, beethoven."

Sounds like a real shindig,

But we need to go over the rules first.

Ah, yes, the famous kyle rules.

Let me recite them to you.

In fact, I've taken the liberty to put them to music.

Oh, have you?

♪ No staying up past 9:00 ♪

♪ No touching her behind ♪

♪ No kissing in the dark ♪

♪ No touching her behind ♪

Yeah.

Kady, come on down. Franklin's waiting on you.

Do you need help?

No, I've got it. Whoa!

Are you okay, baby?

Franklin: are you okay?

I'm okay. The bag just broke my fall.

Are you sure?

Positive. I'm fine.

Good, because that was funny the way you fell.

You should have seen it.

It's like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Do you need help?

I'm fine. I got it myself.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Anyhoo... Anyhoo...

Allow me.

You guys run along and have fun.

And remember the rules.

Both: ♪ no staying up past 9:00 ♪

♪ No touching her behind ♪

♪ No kissing in the dark ♪

♪ No touching her behind ♪

Very good.

Oh, I hate my life. I hate my school.

I hate my class.

The kids are all fractionalized into little groups,

And I don't fit into any of them.

It's like I don't exist.

Huh? You talking to me?

Yeah, dad. [ Sighs ]

Look, baby, what's the matter?

Everyone's formed into cliques,

And I'm not sure which one I fit into.

Well, don't try to fit into a clique.

Why don't you create your own?

If you develop your own style,

Then the right people will gravitate toward you.

Who -- the losers?

School's not like it was back in the olden days, dad.

When I was your age, I went through the same thing.

Then I realized, "you know what?

"I take me wherever I go.

So wherever I was at, that's where the party was."

The party's wherever I'm at.

That's cool. Thanks, dad.

You're welcome.

Okay.

Finally, we're ready. Can we go now?

How late are we?

Don't worry about that.

I got one of my secret shortcuts.

Uh-oh. Good night, claire.

Ooh, I like that.

Oohh, I'm gonna tear that up.

♪ We'll be staying up past 9:00 ♪

♪ I'll be touching your behind ♪

♪ There'll be kissing in the dark ♪

♪ I'll be touching your behind ♪

Oh, my god. They didn't recite the rules.

The most amazing thing happened --

Mom and dad left and didn't recite the rules.

He didn't say, "no friends, no fire, no freedom, no fun"?

Nope. Wow.

So, technically, we're ruleless.

We're completely and totally free.

And dad gave me this speech

About the party's wherever I'm at.

And tonight, I'm here!

[ Giggles ]

Claire, I'm living in a garage because I violated the rules.

All I did was get my girlfriend pregnant in dad's bed.

I mean, that's just one spot.

You're talking about messing up the whole house?

I won't have any part of it. But what I will do --

I'm gonna break rule 7, subsection "b."

I'm gonna go put cheese on a peach.

Now, who's coming with me?

I don't know.

Both of you guys are a little bit too risqué for me.

Come on, tony. It'll be wild.

Dairy and citrus mixed together.

We'll call it a cheach,

As in, "boy, I could sure go for a nice cold cheach."

Look, just because you're about to have a baby

Doesn't mean that the rest of us can't have fun.

What's more fun than a cheach?

A chong?

Ah ha ha.

Somebody stop me.

That's funny.

Come on, junior, just lighten up and have a good time.

I just don't like it. So count me out.

Yeah, I don't like it either, claire.

You know partying's a sin.

I don't want any part of any party unless it's a jesus jam.

Now, that would be fun.

You don't have to come.

There'll be other guys to take my mind of off you.

[ Grunts ] gosh! Fine, I'm in!

But only on one condition.

What?

I supervise.

I'll be the soldier of decency.

Uh-oh.

What?

Oh, my god.

What?

I forgot to recite the rules to claire and junior.

Oh, babe, come on. They know the rules.

They've heard it a million times.

They're old enough to remember them.

Don't worry about them. We got bigger problems.

Like what? Like we're lost.

We're not -- why you always say we're lost?

We're not lost? No.

We're not lost? We're not lost?

We on a dirt road, michael.

Do you think maxwell is performing on a dirt road?

Do you think he's standing out in the middle of that field

Singing to a herd of cows?

That's what you think?

If you would have gotten dressed on time,

Then I wouldn't have had to take the secret shortcut.

Whatever. I got to look good for my maxwell, okay?

That you do.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Stop, michael.

That's how we got lost in the first place. God.

I know, but I just want to pull over

And take a different route.

Stop it.

Take the back road. Whoahoho.

Stop.

What?

I'm just trying to take my mind off the kids.

How, by making another one? No.

It relaxes me. You know what?

Maybe I should call the kids and recite the rules.

That way -- oh, man, no service.

Of course there's no service, baby.

We're in "texas chainsaw massacre" country.

They don't even know how to spell "phone" out here.

All right, all right. I know where we are.

Look, there's the moon. See?

That means it's north.

We'll just follow that until we hit the little dipper.

Then I'll just ride the handle.

You don't want the big dipper 'cause that'll get you lost.

You want to get to the little dipper.

You take that to the end, you make a hard left at jupiter,

Jump on that milky way, and pscchhhhooo!

Be right in there to maxwellville.

Oh, jay, I'm telling you,

These kids are up to something. I feel it.

There's a disturbance in the force.

Baby, listen, if it'll make you feel any better,

Tony was supposed to come over and study with claire, right?

You know nothing bad is gonna happen as long as tony's there.

All: go, tony! It's your birthday!

Go, tony! It's your birthday!

Go, tony! It's your birthday!

Go, tony! It's your birthday!

Go, tony! It's your birthday!

No, it's not my birthday till next week,

But thanks anyway, guys.

Whoo!

Yeah! Yeah!

Man, I never felt this brave in my entire life.

God, you know, claire, I love you.

I really, really do.

You know, I love you -- I love you this much, okay?

No. You know what?

I love you from here all the way --

Excuse me, sorry, excuse me, sorry --

All the way over here.

That's how much I love you, claire.

That's a lot.

What have you been drinking?

Ah, just a little fruit punch.

[ Sniffs ]

This punch has been spiked.

There's liquor in this.

Oh, no. The devil's nectar.

[ Laughing ]

Who put liquor in the punch bowl?

All: I did.

All right.

Well, I'm gonna get some more.

Oops. I spilled it.

And guess what?

We're gonna go butt wild up in this piece.

A'ight?

No, tony, you don't need any more to drink.

Come on, claire. It's a party.

Jeez, lighten up.

Hey, party over here!

Do you hear that? What?

No. Listen. Do you hear that?

What?

Do you hear it?

I don't hear nothing.

Exactly. It's not my maxwell.

All I hear is crickets.

Maybe that's the opening act.

Get it? The crickets.

"Coming to the stage, the crickets."

[ Chuckling ]

Anyhoo...

Look, when did you lose your sense of humor?

Halfway between that crop circle over there

And the last one.

This isn't all my fault.

You need to take responsibility.

How is us being lost my fault?

Wait, we are not lost.

We're not lost? No.

We're not lost?

There's the little dipper.

Forget the little dipper.

I'm not lost.

Then you tell me what it is.

I'm on my way.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm in transition unarrived. How about that?

Well, I'm about to be unconscious

Smelling these cow pies in the field.

Maybe next time we should take separate cars.

That way, I can be there on time,

And you can make the grand entrance three hours late

Like you always do.

You know what? It is a privilege for you to wait for me.

Come again?

Yeah, I said it.

It is a privilege!

Well, explain that one.

I am your wife, the mother of your children.

If it takes me a couple of extra minutes to get ready

And repair the damage that you have done to my body

Bearing those children of yours,

Then so be it, michael richard kyle!

So you're just gonna throw out the birth card, huh?

What about me, jay? Huh?

What about the six weeks that I got to wait

After the birth of each child while you "heal up"

So that you could perform your wifely duties, huh?

What about the pain and the ache that I feel in my loins

While you wait for the hundred or so "stitches"

To dissolve, huh?

Don't you tell me about sacrifice, jay.

Don't just gloss over my sacrifices.

I guess you want to go h--

Take me home!

Do you realize that half the kids are drinking?

It's not that bad, is it?

Whoo! Whoo! Uh! Uh!

Whoo! Whoo! Uh! Uh!

I don't want anything to do with the party

Because dad is gonna throw the after-party.

I'm just telling you that this is big trouble.

Rules or no rules.

What?

Claire, I know what I got to do.

Yeah, you gotta drink some coffee and sleep this off

Before you go home.

No, no, no, no.

Not until I fulfill my lifelong dream.

And what's that?

I'm gonna run down the street naked.

No, I don't think that's a good idea, tony.

I'm gonna do it anyway.

It doesn't matter what you say.

You can't stop me.

Okay, fine, go ahead. Make a fool of yourself.

I'm free! Whee!

Hey, who wants to get naked

And run down the street with me?

Come on, just the guys.

Come on, just you!

Come on, you got my back, right, dog?

Ah, whatever.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Stop.

We're almost home.

I know. I'm glad we're going home early.

I can actually get rid of this sneaky suspicion

I have in my head.

Wouldn't it be funny

If we came home and the kids were having a house party?

You know how they do that in the movies?

Yeah.

I didn't recite the rules, but those kids aren't crazy.

Is that tony?

Where?

This naked boy running towards us.

Pull over.

Tony!

Ohh! Hi, mr. And mrs. Kyle.

It's a beautiful night, huh?

Yeah, I see there's a full moon out.

Ha ha!

Oh, my god. He smells like a distillery.

Tony, have you been drinking?

You guys are good.

What gave it away, the fact I'm running naked down the street?

That was a small clue, tony, yes.

Ha ha ha! I get it!

It's little!

Boy, where are your clothes?!

They're back at your house in your yard.

At my house? Is claire there?

Yeah, there's a bunch of people there.

What is going on over there?!

♪ There's a party goin' on right there ♪

♪ It's a celebration ♪

♪ To last throughout the years ♪

Jay, hang on. I got to go kill a teenager.

♪ So bring your good times and your laughter, too ♪

♪ You and you and you ♪

Yes!

Boy, what is going on here?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Why are all these cars parked outside of our house?

Mnh-mnh.

What the hell is this stuff on your face?

All right!

It's cheach residue.

What?

I've been eating peaches and cheese.

There, I said it.

Didn't I cheach you better than that?

You're not supposed to mix dairy and citrus.

I know, dad, but you didn't recite the rules,

So I went a little crazy.

I tried every peach and cheese combination there is.

I tried peach and american, peach and swiss,

Peach and cheddar,

Peach and blue cheese, which I called the bleach,

Peach and gouda, which I called the pouda,

Peach and brie, peach and muenster,

Cottage cheach, cream cheach,

Jack cheach, and nacho cheach.

But now my stomach's upset.

The peach wants to come out, but the cheese won't let it.

That's what you get for eating citrus and dairy.

I know, dad, and I'll never break the rules again.

Oh, by the way, claire's having a party,

Which I had nothing to do with.

You better run. Go! Go! Save yourself!

Boy, you just cut the cheach.

Baby, I can taste it.

It's in my clothes.

Look at what this girl -- here she comes.

Aah!

What the hell is going on here, huh?

Surprise! Happy anniversary!

This party's for you.

Not our anniversary.

Oh, well, of course not.

It wouldn't have been a surprise

If I had done it on your actual anniversary.

No.

Junior's eating peaches and cheese in the garage.

There are teenagers drinking alcohol

In my house!

I know, but I didn't drink.

And I didn't give them anything to drink.

This is just how some of these kids party.

These are the kids you want to impress?

Yeah. I mean, sort of.

You're about to become a legend amongst your peers.

I'm about to show them a party they'll never forget.

I'm gonna bring out the big guns.

[ Franklin singing in german ]

All right. What opera was that aria from?

[ Vomits ]

Correct. Give that woman more peaches and cheese.

Okay, everyone gather around.

It's time for "bach, bach, beethoven"!

[ All groan ]

It was the best party ever.

Thank you for taking time out of your little shindig

To help us out, huh?

Go ahead and play your little "bach, bach, beethoven."

Bach...

Bach...

Bach...

Beethoven!

Come on, you guys. You're supposed to chase me.

Hey. That's cheating.

Well, I'm glad they got home safely, and I'm very sorry.

Bye-bye.

Well, there's no chance I'll ever be popular now.

Good.

Did you have to call all their parents?

Yes, claire. They were drinking.

You made us responsible.

You've let us down in every possible way.

We don't even know who you are anymore.

You showed no respect to me, to your mother,

Or even to yourself.

Probably because you don't know what respect is.

I'm so disappointed in you.

I wasn't trying to disappoint you, dad.

Technically, you didn't recite the rules --

Save it, save it.

I'm not even gonna let you try to justify this.

[ Sighs ] you're right.

Whatever my punishment is, I accept it.

Ah, yes, your punishment.

Your mother and I have discussed it.

Seeing as we are so hurt and disappointed

By your blatant deceit and disrespect,

We've come up with a doozy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, god.

Just kill me.

No, that would be too easy, and then I'd end up in prison.

I wouldn't do good in prison. You know why?

I'm too pretty for that.

Anyway, your punishment, young lady, is...

[ Imitating drum roll ]

You're not punished at all.

What?

That's right. That's right.

That's not fair.

Hey, you keep sassing, young lady,

And I'll unpunish you some more.

In fact, I'll start rewarding you.

But --

Give her $20. Give her $20.

Claire, just be -- just zip it.

Be quiet, claire! Just...

This is some kind of trick, right?

No. We've decided to show you a little respect.

Hopefully, we're gonna assume that you've learned your lesson.

Oh, dad, I so --

Here's $20!

Claire!

You go buy yourself something nice with that!

With $40?

Okay. Here, take it all. Take it all, here.

Hey, what you -- oh.

I'm just trying to show her a lesson.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Here.

Anyway, we don't want to hear words from you no more.

Just actions, claire.

I feel terrible.

Good. Mission accomplished.

Now, you take you wherever you go.

I want you to take you upstairs and go to bed.

Here. Don't forget your money.

It's guilt money. I don't want it.

Michael, what are we gonna do?

[ Sighs ]

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go...

♪ Drink some punch with wine ♪

♪ And touch on my behind ♪

♪ And kiss it in the dark ♪

♪ And touch on my behind ♪

I don't have a watch. That's what I was thinking.

I was gonna look at my watch, but there's no watch.

Do you think -- we'll do one without it.

And action!

[ Sighs ]

We should do the watch.