Original subtitles

No!

Ma, can't you wait till your anniversary?

Okay, okay. I can't wait, either.

We got you that painting that you liked.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, the family portrait you've been begging us for,

But, mommy, listen.

You gotta promise not to let michael know...

♪ ...body knows the trouble I've seen ♪

Yeah, he just walked in the door.

All right. Bye.

You just told your mother

What we got her for her anniversary?

Jay, that was supposed to be a surprise.

So what? She wanted to know.

It made her happy. It's no big deal.

No big deal? "No big deal," she says!

The inability to keep a secret

Is a sign of character weakness.

Babe, I tell my mother something,

And now it's a character defect.

I'm just saying.

You don't want to be known as "jay the jabber jaw."

Keep it up and you're gonna be known as "michael the monk."

That sound like hard times.

Yeah, it is.

Hey, guys. Hi, guys.

Hey! Look who's here. The baby's here.

[ Talking baby talk ]

Say "you're the best grandpapa ever."

Junior: you're the best grandpa ever.

[ Laughs ]

Ew, that was creepy.

I don't want to play that game no more.

[ Chuckles ] what are you two up to?

We're going to the doctor.

Today's the day I get my first ultrasound.

Oh, that is really, really exciting!

Would you like to come with us, mrs. Kyle?

[ High-pitched ] oh, I would love to!

That's so sweet! I would love to!

Dad, you could come, too, if you want.

Oh, nah, that's chick stuff.

Only women get excited about stuff like that.

I'm gonna stay home, watch the game.

[ High-pitched ] yes, I would love to go!

[ Giggles ]

Okay, now... Here's the baby.

Oh, look at my beautiful grandbaby!

Oh, my god! It's beautiful!

It looks just like our side of the family.

Calvin: hey, hey, hey, hey.

[ Chuckles ] is that a tear?

You better man up, woman. Man up.

[ Sniffles ]

Sorry, cal-cal. I'm back.

This is so wonderful.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Just because you got her pregnant

Don't mean that you can kiss her all over.

You better man down or there's gonna be a man down.

Man down, son.

Okay.

Junior, what do you think of the baby?

Where is it -- inside of all of that muck?

Doctor: no, the muck -- that is the baby.

You know, it even looks like twins.

All: twins!

Oh, no, no, no, no. That's just an extremely big head.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, well, then that's your side of the family.

Mike: yeah, right there. [ Chuckles ]

It looks great!

Just like you, junior.

Hey, what you don't understand about "man down"?

You know, though, that does bring up a good question.

Do you want to know the sex of the baby?

Of course, we -- no! No!

Then a surprise it'll be.

Come on, guys. Why torture yourselves?

Mr. Kyle, we're fine not knowing.

Yeah, dad, you're the only one who has a problem.

It's not a problem, son.

It's just that we're right there on the precipice looking --

Calvin: hey, hey, hey, hey.

[ Chuckles ] is that male emotion?

Yeah.

You better man up.

I'm sorry, cal.

I'm back, cal.

If you guys don't want to see

The sex of the baby,

I'll respect your wishes.

Hey, doc.

Mr. Kyle, what can I do for you?

Come here.

Look, just between me and you, man to man, what was it?

What was what?

The baby -- boy or girl?

I'm sorry. Now, I can't tell you that.

Oh, of course you can. Look, I'm no jabber jaw.

If it was my wife, the people in the coma ward would know.

Yes, well, it's privileged information.

Okay, then point me in the right direction.

All right. How about this one?

[ Grunting ]

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, you're a funny guy...necologist.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, look, you want to play the game?

I'll play the game with you.

Just cough, okay?

Twice for girl. Once for boy.

[ Coughs ]

I have other patients.

Just give me a blink -- once for boy, twice for girl.

Was that -- what? You're blinking.

I really think it's time for you to go.

Okay. I'm sorry.

That's quite all right.

I'm not that pushy. I'll go back -- whoopsy!

Whoo!

You seem to have dropped something.

Did i? Did -- what?

It's $100 bill.

Say what?

That's not mine.

It's not mine. Maybe it's the baby's.

Why don't you pick it up

And give it back to him or her or whatever it is, huh?

I'll tell you what, mr. Kyle. How about this?

I can tell you your baby is gonna be

Exactly what you want it to be.

Yes!

I knew it. I knew...

You've made me a very happy man. Thank you, doc.

All right.

[ Chuckles ]

Pick that up, since you're such a stand-up guy...

...necologist. ...necologist.

Hello, my everything.

Hey, franklin. What's up?

I came over to show you my new blinky-dos.

♪ Blinky-dos, blinky-dos ♪

♪ Fun for me, fun for yous ♪

♪ Blinky-dos, blinky-dos ♪

♪ Boy, these are the greatest shoes! ♪

And who is, uh, he?

Him? Yes, the little urchin.

Oh, yeah. Franklin, this is smilin' willie.

Why do they call him "smilin'"?

Oh.

He's a great dancer, and he's really funny.

Show him.

[ Hip-hop music plays ]

Isn't he great?

I agree that he's...interesting

In a very borderline-talented sort of way.

However...

I don't think he has reached this level of artistry.

[ Classical piano music plays ]

That would be really entertaining

If I couldn't do this.

[ Classical piano music plays ]

[ Snores ] boring!

That's outrageous! Why, I'm gonna...

You're gonna do what, schroeder?

I'm gonna write an opera

In which you're a dark and twisted character,

And I'm gonna name it "the phantom of the urchin."

Come on, my love.

Let us leave this swill behind us.

I shall treat you to some juice

To wash away the foul taste of smilin' willie.

No, franklin, I'm enjoying his company.

But how?

You can't possibly like his company better than mine.

Not better, franklin, just different.

This is a nightmare.

[ Whistling ]

[ Speaking gibberish ]

Stop, stop it, michael. I'm trying to read.

Stop it!

Stop! I don't have the energy tonight!

Leave me alone!

Okay, fine.

I'll be over here, and I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

[ Squeaks ]

[ Squeaks ]

[ Squeaks ]

All right, all right! What is it?!

You're driving me crazy.

♪ I know a secret, I know a secret ♪

You've been acting weird all night.

What is it? Come on, what, what, what?

Jay, I know whether the baby's a boy or girl.

What? How?!

A guy told me.

What guy? A guy...necologist.

Michael!

That is terrible! You broke a trust!

No, listen.

Junior and vanessa said

They didn't want to know what the sex of the baby is.

What does it matter if someone else knows?

Don't even try to johnny cochran your way out of this one.

You know asking that doctor was wrong.

Well, if it was so wrong, then why did he tell me?

Be-- no, I want you to think about that.

Mull it over.

Okay, I will. Time's up.

Because he's an inexcusable bum just like you.

You're an awful man,

And I don't care to discuss this with you anymore.

So you're telling me you really, really, really,

Really, really, really, really don't want to know?

No, I really don't want to know

What the sex of that child is, michael.

I, for one, respect junior and vanessa's wishes.

Are you sure?

Are you positive that you don't want to know?

Michael!

I am absolutely, 100% sure

That I don't want to know what the sex of the baby is.

Okay, fine.

Fine. I won't say anything else.

Good. Nothing.

Good. Nada.

Good. Zilch.

[ Pretends to speak german ]

You won't hear anything else about the baby...

Or its penis.

Ohhh! Michael kyle!

I can't believe you just told me that!

Jay, you're my wife. I can't keep a secret like this.

You're my lover, my best friend. I gotta share this with you.

No, no, no, no, no.

Just this morning, you were getting on me

About telling my mother about her anniversary gift.

I was a bad boy.

Michael!

That was a tiny secret.

This is the mother lode of secrets, michael.

This is the titanic. This is moby dick.

Yes, he's little moby.

[ Sighs ] a boy, huh?

A boy. A boy!

They're having a boy!

[ Laughs ]

[ Whistling ]

Hello, mr. Kyle.

Hey, frankie, what's up?

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just wrapping up a couple of presents

For a certain little someone that'll be here soon.

Look at this.

I got a laser gun, boxing gloves,

Beef jerky, and a brick.

[ Chuckles ]

Wow, all those things are very manly.

Maybe if I had been interested in any of those things

When I was a child,

I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in now.

Well, what's the problem?

Well, I know usually you come to me looking for advice.

True. True.

But this time,

Even though every single fiber in my body

Is screaming to me, "no, no, no, don't do it,"

I still find myself coming to you for advice.

You sure know how to make a guy feel good about himself.

This isn't about you, mr. Kyle.

It's about me.

I fear I'm losing my precious kady.

Why don't you go check her room?

[ Chuckles ]

That's why the fibers were screaming no.

Anyhoo,

Why don't you step up here and have a seat

And tell me what's going on?

Well, you see, kady's fallen in love with smilin' willie.

Mm-hmm.

And he's something of an expert dancer.

Aha.

So what should I do, mr. Kyle?

I suppose you're gonna say,

"Just be yourself

'Cause genuine love can only blossom in the soil of truth."

Uh...

...no.

You see, franklin,

The only way to win a woman's heart

Is by pretending to be something she wants.

That seems deceitful.

Of course it is, kid, but that's the game of love.

Whatever she's buying, that's what you're selling.

Holy market forces!

The supply and demand theorem applied to love --

That's brilliant!

Thanks, mr. Kyle.

You always know what to do.

Really? No.

I was just being nice,

But thanks for the advice anyway.

I got another piece of advice.

Why don't you lose those obnoxious shoes?

My precious blinky-dos?

Yeah, those.

Jeepers, mr. Kyle.

You just haven't seen the commercial.

♪ Blinky-dos, blinky-dos ♪

♪ Fun for me, fun for yous ♪

♪ Blinky-dos, blinky-dos ♪

♪ Boy, these are the greatest shoes! ♪

See ya!

Okay, babe, here come the kids and the scotts.

Remember your promise.

You're not gonna open your mouth about the baby.

Hey, look, look, look. Look.

Hi, what's up? Hello.

Hi, mr. Kyle. Hey, dad.

What's everybody been up to today?

Oh, we just spent a nice afternoon in the park.

And it was lovely till calvin knocked that horse out.

Well, he disrespected me.

Talking about -- [neighs]

Oh, calvin, all horses do that.

Well, I bet you he won't do it again.

Vanessa: I'm glad you're all here.

We've been thinking about names for the baby.

[ Gasps ] that is so exciting! What are top contenders?

Well, if it's a girl, we're gonna...

[ Chuckles ]

Don't.

[ Snorts ]

Michael.

Sinuses, baby, just sinuses. [ Sniffles ]

Go 'head. Y'all go 'head.

I see. We will. Continue.

Yeah, like I was saying, if it's a girl...

Michael.

What? I'm just -- I was thinking about something.

Well, if it's a girl,

I've always liked the name "shamashalon,"

With the accent over the "o."

That makes it classy.

"Shamashalon" -- what kind of name is "shamashalon"?

Oh, it's french for "shaniqua."

If it's a boy, we're gonna go...

You know what, honey?

Maybe we should keep the name of the baby a surprise, too.

Okay. [ Chuckles ] good.

Everybody come out to the garage and see the baby's new crib.

[ All talking ]

It's a boy!

There, I said it.

Michael! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, I couldn't hold it in any longer.

I know you said you didn't want to know,

But it's better that you do know now

So that you can go out and prepare and buy stuff,

You know, toys and clothes for the baby boy!

How did you find this out?

The doctor -- he told me.

But we asked him not to. How could he do that to us?

I know. Listen.

In his defense, he didn't outright just tell me, tell me.

So how did he tell you, tell you?

He sort of told me, told me with a hinty, hinty.

How?

Okay, I went into my annoying guy routine.

You know how I can be annoying sometimes.

Yeah.

Yeah, that guy.

And he just said,

"Listen, the baby's gonna be everything you want it to be."

Meaning? A boy, obviously, duh!

Well, how exactly is that so obvious?

I mean, how could he not know you didn't want a girl?

Jasmine, any real man wants a boy first.

I wanted a girl. Except calvin.

I wish you hadn't told me that.

You have ruined my whole day.

I-i wasn't trying to do that.

I was gonna skip through the park,

Feed the ducks, watch the people,

And write a son-net.

A sonnet? I said "son-net."

A son-net.

But a darkness has fallen over my cotton-candy world,

And those cobalt skies are black with hate.

Oh, calvin, I think that's a lovely beginning

For a son-net.

No, jasmine, no!

I'm not gonna feel better till I hurt something.

I know a horse.

You, michael kyle, have taken everything

That's good in my world

And turned it all bad.

[ Whimpering ] I didn't want to do that, calvin.

Oh ho! But now somebody has got to pay.

I-i got money.

Baby, go upstairs and get my wallet.

[ Blinky-dos song plays ]

I know that sound.

Hey, little fella, what you got --

[ Gasps ]

Ooh! Oh ho!

Are those... Blinky-dos?

Yeah, blinky-dos.

Both: ♪ blinky-dos, blinky-dos ♪

♪ Fun for me, fun for you ♪

♪ Blinky-dos, blinky-dos ♪

♪ Boy, these are the greatest shoes ♪

Let me see 'em.

Ooh!

See? I'm not the only one who likes blinky-dos.

Well, I stand corrected.

Well, I'm off to implement our plan.

Wish me luck.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Kady: hold on, hold on.

What's shakin', sweet face? Franklin?

So, dancing turns you on, huh?

Then a take a look at this.

[ Irish folk music plays ]

[ Slow, classical music plays ]

[ Russian folk music plays ]

And don't make me reach into my...disco bag.

[ Disco music plays ]

Wait, franklin, why are you doing this?

So you'll like me again... Instead of smilin' willie.

Franklin, you little fool,

How could he steal my heart when you already own it?

I like you for who you are, and I always will.

Kady kyle, you're the greatest!

Hey.

Still mad at me? Yes!

Well, I got something to cheer you up.

Look!

Blinky-dos!

♪ Blinky-dos, blinky-dos ♪

♪ Fun for me, fun for you, hey! ♪

♪ Blinky-dos, blinky-dos ♪

♪ Boy, these are the greatest shoes! ♪

Okay, all right.

I forgive you.

[ Laughs ] thanks, blinky-dos.

Hey! You're getting into bed with your blinky-dos?!

Of course I am. I'm never taking them off.

They're magical.

[ Chuckles ]

Look, just for the record,

The doctor said that he wasn't indicating boy or girl

When he talked to me

And that the mystery of the baby

Will have to remain that way until it's born.

Oh, well, I already know what the baby's gonna be.

You do? How?

Oh, well, after that big scene you made,

Junior and vanessa decided to find out the baby's sex to clear the air,

So they called the doctor. He told them over the phone. They told me.

That's great! So?

So what?

So, what's the sex of the baby?

Oh, you want to know what the sex of the baby is?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

Well, the sex of the baby...

Is a secret.

I'm not telling you.

The kids made me promise.

Oh, come on, jay. You gotta tell me.

No, no, the old jabber mouth jay would have told you,

But like you said,

After getting off the phone with my mother,

I have to learn how to keep a secret.

And I'm starting right now. Good night, baby.

This ain't fair. Love ya!

I love you, too. Come on, jay, tell me.

No.

If you don't, then I'm gonna go into the annoying guy,

And I'm gonna sing the blinky-do song.

Whatever.

Until 10:00 in the morning. Don't even play.

♪ Blinky-do, blinky-do ♪

♪ Fun for me, fun for you ♪

♪ Blinky-do, blinky-do ♪

♪ Boy, these are the greatest shoes! ♪

♪ The greatest shoes! The greatest shoes! ♪

Get outta here.

♪ The greatest shoes! ♪ Stop!

Don't.

[ Snores ] ♪ the greatest shoes! ♪ Okay!

What is it?

Nothing! Get outta here.

So you're telling me you really, really,

Really, really, really don't want to know?

No, michael, I don't want to know.

I -- are you sure?

Are you sure? Are you positive?

Tell me you're positive that you don't want to know.

[ Laughs ]