Original subtitles

Mmm, that sure looks good.

Mmm, it sure is.

Mmm, I sure am hungry.

Mmm, I bet you sure is.

See, my secret is paprika.

It brings out the flavor in three of the four cheeses.

Mmm, this is one delicious omelet.

Yeah, it's making my stomach sing.

Well, your stomach must be singing a solo.

♪ 'Cause this is all for me ♪

♪ And there is none for kady ♪

Hey, that smells great.

The secret's in the paprika.

Kady, baby, did you finish your omelet already?

No, junior didn't make me one.

What?

Well, there were only three eggs left.

You can't make a 2-egg omelet. They look sad.

Why didn't you just split that in half with your sister?

I would, but I need my strength.

I'm about to become a father, so I'm eating for two now.

Boy, I specifically asked you to make breakfast for your sister.

I'm so woozy, mommy.

Okay, baby, come on. I'll make you something to eat.

There you go. Problem solved.

Hey, you mind if I smell this?

It smells delicious.

It does, doesn't it? Smell the paprika.

Is that what that is?

Ah-choo! Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

[ Sniffs ]

Whoo!

I must be allergic to the paprika.

What'd you do that for?

Well, I did that because it's a more creative way of doing...

Ow!

And what was that for?

That was for being irresponsible and eating the last three eggs.

Dad, I'm about to be a father soon,

And I can't have you whacking me in front of my kid.

You're absolutely right.

Claire, would you whack your brother, please?

Gladly. Ow!

Thanks, baby.

If you need me again, just whistle.

What we're trying to beat into your head, junior,

Is it's time for you to stop acting like a child and grow up.

Your mother and I have been discussing this,

And we think you should take a parenting class.

I don't need a parenting class.

What? [ Laughs ]

Boy, you have no idea what being a parent entails.

You are responsible for another life.

I know, and you guys have nothing to worry about.

It's not like it's that hard to take care of a baby.

Did he just say what I -- I think--yes, i--

Baby, I can't handle -- it's too early.

[ Whistles ]

What?

Ow!

Look, the mother feeds it, cleans it, and stuff.

All I have to do is make funny faces at it.

You think it's that easy?

Well, it worked for cosby.

[ Imitating bill cosby ] yo, camille, would you tell theo

To go get rudy and cut his dreads off,

'Cause he's starting to look like the predator.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Normal voice ] now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back

To my paprika, cheese, and sneeze omelet.

Boy, don't you--

Junior!

Uhhh!

It's not bad.

Junior, say hello to your brand-new baby.

That ain't no baby. That's a water balloon.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Well, you said that taking care of kids was easy.

I want you to demonstrate that.

Congratulations, you are now the mother

Of a brand-new bouncing baby balloon.

Michael, you're not gonna do that, are you?

That's what my mother did to me.

That's where I got the idea from.

Yeah, well, it was a stupid idea.

Ah, you're just saying that

Because you dropped your balloon baby on the second day.

It accidentally slipped out of my hand.

No, you threw it at your mother.

No, I threw it at you, but you ducked.

I thought it was stup--

I thought it was stupid then --

I think it's stup--

Stop!

I think it's stupid now.

Yeah, well, I think it's a great teaching tool.

Come here, junior.

Now, this balloon baby is gonna require

Your constant care and attention in order to survive.

Handle it with care.

It looks just like you, junior --

Big head, no body, and no brains.

[ Laughs ]

You crazy!

All right, stop it.

I still think that is a big mistake, michael.

The balloon's not gonna last a day.

A day? I didn't think it would last an hour.

[ Laughs ]

You guys have no faith in me, do you?

Uh...

Uh...

Hey!

Uh...

No.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, here's the deal.

That balloon has to be treated

As a living, breathing baby, okay,

Which means you got to feed it, change it, play with it,

And most of all, don't drop it.

For how long?

A week.

And if it should survive the week,

Then I'll get off your case,

And I'll start treating you more like the adult you want to be.

However....

If you should destroy that balloon baby,

Then you have to enroll in a parenting class.

Clever, baby, clever.

This is stupid.

This balloon looks nothing like a real baby.

Look, it doesn't even have a ding-ding or a poopa-doop.

See, that's why you need a parenting class, okay?

Is this a deal?

Deal.

Whoa! Hey! Whoa, hey.

You know what, dad?

I'm gonna use this week

To teach you a little something about my character.

Come on, balloon baby.

[ Whistles ]

Ow!

Whoo!

Thanks, baby.

Mom, I need to talk to you about something.

Not now, kady.

I'm trying to read a book about listening to your children.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, come on! That's not funny?

You're not laughing.

Because it was more clever than funny --

Sort of ironic with a hint of sarcasm,

Which made it very unfunny.

You know what?

You been hanging out with franklin too much.

No, I haven't.

Anyhoo...

I have serious things on my mind.

Okay, well, sit your booty down and talk to your mommy.

What's up?

Well, I want to know where babies come from.

Kady, you know where babies come from.

The stork brings them.

I wasn't born yesterday, mom.

You're over the stork story, huh?

Way past it.

I'm gonna have to tell you about the birds and the bees.

How much detail do you really want?

I don't know.

I know something big happens, and I want to know what it is.

First of all, it's not always that big, okay?

Uh, truthfully -- okay.

There's a magical garden where babies grow from cabbage leaves.

Cabbage leaves, mom? Please.

[ Sighs ]

You want the real, real truth?

Yes, mom.

Okay.

Well, a man and a woman get together, and they...

Ew! That's disgusting!

I asked for the truth, not a horror movie!

Okay! Calm down.

I'm sure there's a better way to put this.

Let me just think for a second.

Okay, okay.

A man has special seeds that he gives to a woman,

And it makes her belly grow, and...

[ Crying ]

What's going on, dad? It's 3:00 in the morning.

I know, and that's when babies like to wake up.

You know why? Because they can't tell time.

[ Crying ]

Knock it off, dad. The baby is not real.

But it will be real, and that's what you're in training for.

Junior, I want you to take this seriously.

I am. Look.

I even drew him a face, and I named him.

What'd you name him?

Fetus face.

[ Crying ]

Dad, what are you doing?

Look, from now on, I am the voice of your baby,

And you must figure out what is wrong with fetus face.

[ Crying ]

All right, all right.

What's wrong, little fetus?

What's wrong?

I don't know what you want.

I don't speak baby.

[ Crying ]

Uh, um, are you hungry?

[ High-pitched voice ] uh-huh. That'd be nice.

[ Crying ]

All right, bear with me, okay?

I've never done this before.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Come on.

[ Babytalk ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Man, give me that. Get out--

Ow! Aah! Let go of my nitty!

What is wrong with you?

I'm trying to show you

That you don't have the right equipment to feed a baby.

Then what am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to go in the kitchen, take some formula,

Heat it up to 98.6 degrees, and then feed the baby.

Because if you don't feed the baby, then the baby will starve,

And fetus face will turn into little embryo bro.

Come on.

Ow.

So how do I know when it's done?

Here.

Let me see your wrist.

Ow!

That means it's too hot.

Try the other wrist.

Ow! Still too hot.

Yeah, so maybe you let it cool off, and then you feed the baby.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed.

Before you go, dad, I need to talk to you for a second.

It's about vanessa.

Okay, what's up? I don't know.

She calls my cellphone at all hours --

Sometimes happy, sometimes crying,

And sometimes just angry with me.

It's called hormones, son.

Hormones? Yes.

When a woman gets pregnant, her hormone level skyrockets.

It's kind of like pms with extra sssss.

Oh, she's no longer vanessa, son.

She is a mutant. She's an alien.

She's half vanessa and half some other creature.

Like a cyborg?

Exactly. Think of her as the materminator.

[ As arnold schwarzenegger ] sent from the future

To make your life a living hell.

So what do I do?

[ Normal voice ] you change your name to jackass,

And you do whatever it is she tells you to do.

Has she started with the cravings yet?

Cravings?

Yeah, like pickles and ice cream, sardines and fudge.

Some women even eat dirt.

Ew!

Yeah, with toenails.

But I bet that three minutes of sex was worth it, huh, son?

Three minutes...in a row?

Oh, you animal!

Well, you know, sometimes I can go five.

Whoa!

I've been known to do seven...

With alcohol.

You were a 5:15.

Is that how I got the hoof?

Hello, my love.

Hello, franklin. Come on in.

Are you ready for your piano lessons?

Today we're gonna finish

Schubert's "unfinished symphony."

[ Laughs ]

Get it?

That nearly killed them down at the philharmonic.

Dilbert mcguinness nearly dropped his cello.

Are you done?

I need to talk to you about something very important.

Anything for my muse.

Franklin, what do you know about the birds and the bees?

Well, while birds are elegant creatures

Perfectly designed for flight,

The bee, one of life's many mysteries, flies

Even though it's aerodynamically incapable of flight.

No, I'm talking about the real birds and the bees.

I don't get it.

Franklin, I want to have your baby.

But I don't have one.

No, I found out how we can make one together.

Really? Cool!

How?

I'm surprised you don't know all this.

You know everything.

They kept me out of certain biology classes at harvard.

They said I needed one small corner of ignorance

To preserve my innocence.

Yeah, whatever.

Do you want to know how we're gonna do this or not?

Yeah, tell me.

Well, you have to put seeds in my belly.

What kind of seeds go in your belly?

Well, when a woman gets pregnant,

Her belly gets really big like a pumpkin,

So obviously pumpkin seeds.

All right, I'll get some pumpkin seeds,

But how do I get them into your belly?

Duh! Through my belly button.

It sounds delightful.

And about those pumpkin seeds --

Salted or plain?

Salted.

Shelled or unshelled?

Shelled.

Roasted --

Just get the seeds!

Damn baby -- I haven't slept in days.

[ Crying ]

Oh, what's the matter, fetus face?

What's wrong, little fetus?

Huh? Talk to daddy. What's wrong with you?

[ Laughs ]

[ High-pitched voice ] da-da.

Oh, your tummy's upset, huh?

I'm getting tired of this.

[ Normal voice ] me, I'm loving this.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, I got a surprise for you.

You're not gonna pee on me, are you?

That's a good idea, but that's not the surprise.

Your mother and I thought it would be nice

For you to witness the miracle of childbirth.

Look at this.

Cued it up to the fun part.

Watch this.

[ Moaning ]

Huh?

What's wrong with her? Why is she in so much pain?

She's giving birth to triplets.

That's three babies. Look at this.

Look.

[ Retching ]

That's one.

Junior, wake up.

Junior, wake up. Wake up, son.

You're gonna miss the second one.

Look at that, huh?

Is that beautiful or what?

That's two.

Junior. Huh?

Look at that. Look at that one.

Aah! Aah!

That's three, and he's out.

[ Laughs ]

Good morning, mama junior.

Good morning.

Stay.

[ Crying ]

Why? Why? What's he doing?

Sounds like something's wrong with the baby.

What's wrong with him?

How would I know? It's not my baby.

[ Crying ]

Dad, I can't think with you screaming like that!

I'm not screaming. The baby's screaming.

[ Crying ]

Why? Why?

He can't be hungry. I just fed him.

Well, if you put something in him,

Don't you think it's gonna come out?

You mean I have to clean up balloon doo?

Maybe. Did you check the baby's diaper?

It doesn't have a diaper.

Well, maybe that's why he's crying.

I don't know how to diaper a balloon or a baby.

Well, it's time you learned. Come on up here.

Bring the baby. I'll show you how to do it.

In real life, it's a lot smellier,

So I want you to get a whiff of this stink cheese

To get the full effect. Here, smell.

[ Groaning ]

Uh! Why do we keep this stuff?

I don't know.

All right, obviously, the baby will have two legs,

But all you have to do is take the diaper.

You fold it like this, pin it, and there you have it.

Voila. That easy.

Now you do it.

Oh, this is easy.

You take the diaper, you fold

It, and you pin it like this.

[ Laughs ]

Eh!

Hey, dad.

Dad!

J. Lo, kiss me.

Whoa, whoa.

It's me, junior.

Aw, man. Boy, what you want?

Vanessa just called.

She said if I don't bring her

A slice of sardine, pineapple, and horseradish pizza,

She might not make it through the night.

How and why did that become my problem?

I need your car.

Well, you can't have it. I got to get back to j. Lo.

Dad!

I found a pizza place that's open,

And they said if I bring them a sardine and a horseradish,

They'll make me a slice.

Uh...

[ Snores ]

Dad, dad!

Da--

Dad, this is nonnegotiable.

She said if I don't bring her the slice,

She'll never forgive me.

Oh, they all say that. Really?

If you two don't shut up and let me get back to denzel,

I'll never forgive either one of you.

See, your mother wants you to -- denzel?

That's three nights in a row.

Tell that to j. Lo. Now shut up!

Look, you can't take my car. Ride your bike.

The pizza place is all the way across town,

And it's dark out.

Okay, well, here's a flashlight, and don't forget your baby.

Dad, I can't ride a bike, hold a flashlight,

A water balloon, a sardine, a horseradish,

And a slice of pizza all at the same time.

Ah, sure you can!

You just put the flashlight in the mouth,

You put the sardine behind your ear,

You put the water balloon under your shirt,

You put the horseradish in your hat,

And then you put the pizza in the handlebars.

I did it with all three of you kids.

Now, go on.

And, junior? Yeah?

Bring me back a slice.

Extra cheese, a little pepperoni.

Hey, vanessa, yeah, I'm on my way.

Yeah. [ Speaks indistinctly ]

Yeah, here I come.

You changed your mind?

Huh?

No!

Hey, mom, I'm pregnant.

What? I beg your pardon?

Franklin and I did it, so I must be pregnant.

You and franklin did what?

It. He put some seeds in my belly, just like you told me to.

What kind of seeds?

Pumpkin seeds.

Oh.

And how did pumpkin seeds find their way into your belly?

Through my belly button, of course.

You know, baby, you're too young to be able to get pregnant.

I'm too young to do anything fun.

And apparently, you're too young to even listen.

I told you when a husband and wife are in love,

They have babies.

And as far as I know, you and franklin aren't married.

So you mean to tell me that I've got a bellyful

Of roasted, salted, unshelled pumpkin seeds for nothing?

Yes. But remember this day

Because someday it'll make a very funny story.

It better be, because it stinks now.

All right, salty belly.

Hey, mama-san, how you doing?

Where's the baby?

It's sleeping right now.

Really? That's interesting,

Because I just found fetus in the fetal position

Underneath the couch.

That's where he was sleeping. He likes it there.

It's been three days since you've had this balloon,

And you've dropped it, you've punctured it multiple times,

And you've tattooed its face.

You know what, dad? I'm trying as hard as I can.

Oh, is that what you're gonna tell your kid when he gets here?

I'm trying as hard as I can.

See, you know what bothers me the most?

No, tell me. Your utter lack of faith in me.

I'm trying to do right by vanessa and our child,

But all you can see are the negative things.

I might not be a perfect father from the start,

But neither were you.

But you know what? I'll get there.

You said keep the balloon alive for a week.

It's only been three days, and you know what?

It's still alive.

So why don't you just step off

And let me raise my kid, all right??

[ Soft piano music ]

♪ ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ Is the hardest word to say ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ Can make you cry ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Good-bye's the saddest word my friend ♪

♪ Remember ♪

♪ Your lovely smile ♪

♪ Because I know ♪

♪ We're going to meet again ♪

♪ We'll love again ♪

♪ We'll live again ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ In true love ♪

♪ It's the saddest thing there is to say ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ It's the hardest thing there is to say ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

Oh, come back to me, fetus! Come back!

[ Blowing ] he's gone, son.

No, he's not, dad!

Junior, he's gone. Accept it. Accept it.

You're right, dad.

I'm not ready to be a father.

I don't know if I can do this.

You're not in this alone.

That's what this whole thing was about.

Your mother and I are here for you.

We just want you to elevate your game, son.

I will, dad. And you know what?

I'm gonna start by taking that parenting class.

Good. I got the papers in the house.

Come on in after you mop up little fetus.

You put the balloon underneath the shirt,

You put the sardine behind your ear,

You put the horseradish under your hat.

[ Laughs ]

You put the sardine under your hat,

You put the horseradish behind your ear.

[ Laughs ]

And you put the thing in your thing and you...