Original subtitles

I hope junior's gonna be all right.

Of course he's gonna be. He's a kyle.

I remember the day I had to tell your parents you were pregnant.

I just had to be straight about it,

Just let the chips fall where they may.

I was a man. You know what I'm saying?

That was the toughest long-distance call I ever made.

Hey, mom. Hey, dad.

Hey, how'd it go?

Mr. Scott chased me out of their apartment.

If it hadn't been for vanessa becoming a human shield,

I wouldn't have made it out alive.

He threatened you?

Is "come here so I can squash your watermelon-sized head"

Considered a threat?

Hell yeah.

What else did the tough guy have to say?

I really can't repeat it. Let's just say things got ugly.

Yeah, well, they're about to get uglier,

Because I am not gonna stand by

And let some grown man threaten my son.

You're the fruit of my loins.

That's good, 'cause he's on his way over here.

Well, I better loosen up right now for a couple of these,

So I don't pull nothing.

Michael, just calm down, all right?

No, I'll calm down when he's laying on the ground

With the blood trickling out the side of his face.

Michael!

Don't you "michael" me, woman.

This is a matter of honor, all right?

That cat don't know who he's messing with.

I'm about to open up a can of whup-ass

With some extra pow in it.

That's right, dad.

This is what I'm gonna do.

First, I'm gonna keep him out there with the jab.

Throw it, dad! Go, go, go!

And then, if he rush me, I'll back up and do the flurry.

Speed, speed, speed!

Then, if he get unruly about it, I drop into my jujitsu bag.

Whoo!

And I pull out the monkey knuckle.

Ha!

Hyah!

Hyah!

Umm! Aah!

What is the monkey knuckle?

You can't stop the monkey. It comes from different angles.

Ow! Ow!

You get up...

You see that?

Yeah, he's in trouble.

That monkey knuckle dangerous.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Okay, this must be him.

Y'all stand back and give him room to fall.

I'm about to go right into the monkey knuckle.

Haaaaa!

I'm vanessa's father, calvin.

How you doing?

What's wrong with your hands?

Oh, nothing. Just a little rheumatism.

I had on a bad glove last night.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that's a monkey knuckle.

It is, and my dad has something he wants to say to you.

I sure do.

I want to say welcome to the kyle home.

Oh ho! That's some grip you got there, calvin.

Yeah, I grew up in the country.

I've been twisting heads off of chickens since I was 3.

Well, they probably deserved it.

Yeah, sometime I twist the heads off of cows, too.

Well, you can't have chicken every night.

Hello. Hi.

I'm jay.

Oh, hi.

I'm vanessa's mother, jasmine.

Nice to meet you.

Ooh, your house is so beautiful!

It looks so expensive.

Thanks.

Cal!

Look!

Look!

Junior, I'm so sorry my dad reacted the way he did.

I'm so embarrassed.

It's not your fault, vanessa,

But my dad is really teed off.

I think you better leave, 'cause it's about to get ugly.

Is that a fact?

Yep, I told my dad what you said,

And he gonna reach into his bag --

And pull out just a big old welcome sign.

[ Laughs ]

Michael...

Jay, he -- the boy is wrong.

He's out of line.

I mean, mr. Calvin has every right to be upset.

I mean, just the thought of looking at you makes me sick.

I ought to backhand you with the monkey knuckle right now.

But -- ow!

But I thought you said you was gonna open up a can of whup--

A can of what?

A can of beer. Would you like that?

Beer makes me violent,

And when I feel violent, I get the sweats.

Daddy -- daddy, please.

Daddy, please, look, why don't we go somewhere

And talk this out in a nice, reasonable environment --

Somewhere safe, in front of a lot of witnesses,

And just sit down and talk?

Well, we could do that.

We could go to a restaurant.

That might be nice, cal-cal.

[ Laughs ]

All right.

What do you say we go to chateau lemarque?

We'll meet you at 8:00.

Well, that's a pretty high-end restaurant.

Oh, don't worry about it.

[ Laughs ] you're with us.

Come on, vanessa. Let's go.

I'll call you later, junior.

Well, uh, nice to meet you.

It sure was really nice meeting you guys.

Take care.

Okay.

Bye!

What? What?

What is all the looks about?

[ Laughing ] well, it certainly is hard to believe

That we're all gonna be grandparents.

Jay and I are still trying to digest that.

How do you feel about that, calvin?

I'm mad as hell!

Okay, one "mad as hell." Got that.

And, jasmine, you?

I'm mad as hell, too!

But after I saw calvin get to sweating

And flipping cars over and pulling trees out of the ground,

I said, "hey, no sense in both of us getting that mad."

And to tell you the truth, after meeting you folks

And seeing your beautiful house and all them nice things,

I know junior come from good stock.

I think he gonna make our vanessa a great husband.

Husband?

Yeah, that's the way it's supposed to go, huh?

And I drink to that.

I think it's a little too soon to be talking about marriage.

I think they need to know each other a little better.

What else do they need to know?

She's pregnant. They're getting married, right?

Yes, right.

Michael, don't let this guy push us around.

Jay, nobody pushes me around, okay?

I'm just playing a role here.

Of what -- punk?

Look, just trust me.

I'm gonna handle this.

Yes, baby, go.

Listen here, uh, calvin --

Let me tell you where I come out on top of all this.

Come over here and tell me where you come out in all this.

Um...well, I was kind of hoping, sort of,

That maybe, you know, junior could go to school a little bit,

You know, at night, if that's okay with you.

Don't get angry, calvin.

You know you can't afford that third strike.

Oh, that's right.

Well, look, vanessa's gonna go to school.

You see, our daughter's smart.

She got a full scholarship to remington.

I just assume that your boy will go to work

And support his new wife and child.

I hope I ain't wrong.

No -- you be wrong?

How could you be -- ow.

How could you be wrong?

In fact, junior's gonna come work for me

At my trucking company.

Oh, you own a trucking company?

Yeah.

How many trucks?

30, 32.

32 Trucks?!

Ooh, lord, you all must be making over six figures.

Okay, you know what?

We're not here to talk about michael's job.

We're here to talk about the kids and what they want to do.

Kids don't always know what's best,

And that's why they got parents.

I concur.

You concur, jay?

Please concur.

She concurs.

I'm glad we're on the same page, mike.

[ Laughs ]

Well, you know, great minds think alike, calvin.

May I call you cal?

No.

Calvin's a beautiful name.

I don't see why any idiot would shorten it.

My wife calls me cal.

I meant male idiot.

My daddy calls me cal, too.

Well, family's different.

You know, they have that familiarity thing.

My best first-grade teacher called me cal.

Oh, well...

In other words, only I shouldn't call you cal.

Yeah.

I can live with that.

Don't be offended, michael.

Calvin's like that with everybody he don't like.

He don't know how to be subtle like me.

Waiter, where the drinks at?!

And the check.

You'll have to excuse me.

I need to go find the little girl's room.

Well, calvin, I really want to thank you for this lovely meal.

Well, you're welcome.

Oh, look at the time.

[ Laughs ] I need to make a phone call.

Use my cellphone.

No, no, that's okay. It's a business call.

You know a brother needs his privacy.

Michael!

Uh, here you are, sir.

Oh, my god!

You think I should leave a tip or something?

No, michael, no.

They're the ones who invited us to this fancy-smancy restaurant.

They ordered the caviar and the lobster

And two $800 bottles of wine.

Let them pay for it.

Shall I take this, sir?

I think the other gentleman's gonna be picking up the check.

Oh, you mean the one push-starting

The 1976 lime-green maverick?

[ Tires screech ]

[ Clutch pops ]

[ Engine turns over ]

Can you believe it, michael?

That shady man looked you right in the eye,

Said, "you're welcome," and then stiffed us with the check.

Business call, michael? He doesn't even work.

They took us for a ride, michael.

We got hustled. They're a couple of con artists.

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this, jay.

Let me tell you something, michael.

I want you to go over there and get our money back.

And if he doesn't, I want you to shake it out of him!

Jay, come on, let's not get crazy.

I don't want to resort to violence.

What happened to the jujitsu?

Where's the monkey knuckle, michael?

What happened to the monkey knuckle?

What's that?

Jay --

Where's that?

You just don't go from zero to monkey knuckle.

It's dangerous for everybody.

You got to take little monkey steps,

And you creep up, and you go, "hi, would you like a banana?"

Like that.

I'm telling you, michael,

Something's not right about those two.

Don't you think it's a little strange

That calvin slipped and "accidentally" fell

On all three of his jobs

And he's collecting disability checks?

Well, you know what?

He's a big guy, and maybe he's got weak ankles.

Big guys like that, they only work out the upper half.

They don't have strong lower body, you know?

That thick chest probably throws his equilibrium off.

What's with all these inappropriate questions

About whether our house is paid for or not?

Okay, I admit that it is a little strange,

But our son did impregnate their daughter,

So they are entitled to ask a few questions.

Well, I'm entitled to ask some questions, too.

Like is scamming a family business?

How many times has their daughter run

This whole "I'm pregnant" routine?

Maybe they go all over the country, michael,

Looking for naive, big-headed boys and rip off their families.

Look, calm down, jay, okay?

Just calm down.

The bottom line is when the baby gets here,

We're gonna have to learn to get along,

Whether we like it or not.

You know, maybe you should get a brown jacket

To match that yellow belly of yours.

You know what? You are so wrong about me, jay.

I am not scared of calvin.

And just to prove it, I'm gonna invite the scotts over,

And I'm gonna lay down the law, mike kyle style.

You talking to me?

You talk -- you talking to me, cal?

Yeah, I said it -- cal.

I'll say it again -- cal.

C-a-l -- cal.

Calgary, california.

How about califragilisticexpialidoofus?

I ain't scared of you.

Hey, mr. Kyle.

Franklin, what's wrong with you, sneaking up on me?

You almost got the monkey knuckle.

The monkey knuckle? What's the monkey knuckle?

Didn't you watch jackie chan in "baboon on the moon" --

When he came out the crater...

[ Hooting ]

...came up around this way like that?

Are you anticipating an altercation?

Yeah, franklin, I may have to do a little damage.

I hope it's not the guy who ripped up our deciduous oak tree

And flipped our car, leaving a big puddle of sweat.

Yeah, that would be him.

You're not scared?

Scared? Come on, franklin.

Why would I be scared of a 7'9", 365-pound linebacker

That eats lobster without taking it out of the shell?

I've been in your shoes before, mr. Kyle...

And they're really big and stinky.

[ Laughs ]

Anyhow...

I just so happen to have a lot of experience

Dealing with bullies.

What do you do?

I run, but that's because I'm a child, and I have no dignity.

But you, on the other hand --

You have people who look up to you,

So, unfortunately, you're just gonna have to face this monster,

Who will probably crush you like a little baby beetle.

But not to worry --

You have your superscary monkey knuckle.

You're not making this any easier, franklin.

Yes, but I'm about to.

The fact of the matter is

Throughout history, there have been many occasions

Where the underdog triumphs over the seemingly unbeatable foe.

Name two.

David and goliath.

That's it.

I'll just hit him in the head with a rock.

Of course!

However...

However what?

You good?

Aaahhh!

Okay, baby, they're here. They're here.

Lay down the law. You can do it.

I'm david. Tell me I'm david.

You're david.

I got the rock right here.

He's not coming in this house

Unless he give us our money back.

I'm just gonna look him in the eye.

Calvin, I want -- my, my, my.

That blood you have there on your shirt?

Yeah, I just killed a wolf.

He killed a wolf.

Did it bite you?

I bit it.

He bit it.

I was changing a flat tire, and he attacked me.

Apparently, I had a ham sandwich in my back pocket --

One thing led to another.

Say, jay, where your drinking glasses at?

Cabinet above the sink.

Is that the wine from last night?

It's the same bottle,

But I filled it with a different kind of wine.

Can I use your bathroom?

I got to get this wolf taste out of my mouth.

Upstairs.

Huh?

It's right upstairs to the left.

That was unbelievable!

He broke the rug, jay, and he killed a wolf.

It could have been an entire flock.

Pack.

Good idea.

Let's get our stuff and get out of here

Before the green mile come back downstairs.

Ooh, girl, I just can't get over how beautiful your house is.

Ooh, and I like your taste in art.

Is that an original?

That's a limited edition.

It's limited?

Oh, those are really hard to find.

Oh, man, this ought to get that wolf smell off of me.

That is my expensive perfume.

Let me see that.

When did channel 5 start making a perfume?

Could you -- thank you.

We have a lot of things we need to discuss today.

You're damn right, so let's get right down to business.

I have here a list of things we're gonna need

Before the baby comes.

Number one, a bigger house.

A bigger house?

There's no place to put the baby where we live now,

Except on the balcony.

[ Both laugh ]

What is she talking about?

What else is on this list?

Well, obviously, we're gonna need new furniture,

Big-screen tv, and a stereo system.

And don't forget your motorcycle, honey,

With the sidecar, you know, for the baby.

What do you need a motorcycle for?

So I can go back and forth and pick up my disability check.

Duh!

None of the things you're asking for are for the baby.

Duh!

I know it seem that way. It do.

I'll be the first one to admit that.

But it's only because the baby gonna be living with us.

So when do we take care of the needs of the baby?

Well, I thought you'd never ask.

Tell her, cal.

No, you tell her. I got my motorcycle already.

Well, okay, the baby's direct needs

Will be taken care of at the baby shower,

Which, by the way, is gonna work real nice in this room here.

Let me tell y'all something, okay?

No, we got to hear them out.

I just thought of a couple of other things

That they're probably gonna need for the baby.

You did?

Yeah, like a brand-new wardrobe.

You don't want to make a bad impression on your grandchild.

You got wolf blood all over you. You don't want to scare the kid.

We hadn't thought of that.

I did. I just didn't want to sound greedy.

How could you be greedy?

You're just asking for what you deserve.

That's right!

Yeah. Okay.

So, now, I'm supposed to pay for all this, right,

Because it was my son that got your virginal daughter pregnant.

That's right!

That's what I'm talking about.

Well, sit down.

Let me think about this.

Okay, so...

[ Muttering indistinctly ]

Okay, all done.

The answer is...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...baby?

I'll help you. Hold on, baby.

Hold on. I'm coming. I'm coming.

No.

Um, what was that?

Baby, he didn't understand me when I said --

Well, let me try.

Okay.

Uh...

It won't come out.

Uh...

Here, let me help.

[ Coughs ] no.

I don't understand.

I think what we're both trying to say is...

Uh...uh...

Well...

Bring it, bring it, bring it.

Uh...uh...uh...

No.

I don't think I heard you correctly.

Did you just say...

Uh...uh...

Bring it, bring it, bring it, cal-cal.

Uh...uh...uh...

No?

That's exactly what I said.

Now, you get this here straight --

It was michael kyle, jr. That got your daughter pregnant,

Not us, okay?

If you want money, you take it out of his $350 a week.

I wish our little girl would have never gotten involved

With his hook-headed son.

Hey, let me tell you something about my hook-headed son.

He's got more character in just the hook part of his head

Than both of you guys put together.

And keep your negative comments to yourself.

I could knock out in one punch.

Yeah, you could.

I won't refute that.

But let me tell you something --

You may knock me out the first time and the second time,

The third, fourth, and fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth,

Tenth, eleventh, twelfth -- probably up to 75.

But then you're gonna get tired and have to switch hands.

That'll probably knock me out, too.

I'll probably just stay out for, like, a month.

But when I wake up, I'll have a callus,

And the next time you hit me, you'll hurt your hand,

And then I'm gonna call the cops,

And that's gonna be your third strike.

Oh! Slow down.

We really don't need that stereo system.

And we could just knock off the sidecar.

No, we could just knock off this whole scam.

Now, get out of my house.

Bye-bye.

We'll see you in the delivery room.

We really are good people.

Yeah, I know you're good people.

You just got to get to know us.

Yeah, I know. That's what the wolf said.

Jasmine: I warned you about the damn motorcycle!

Didn't I tell you it was over-the-top?

I am so proud of you.

You really stood up to them, baby.

Now, that's the man I know and love.

Yeah, that's just a secret of the monkey knuckle.

Come on upstairs.

I want to give you some monkey tail.

[ Laughs ]

Aah!

Aah!

Uh...uh...

Bring it, bring it, bring it, cal.

Bring it, cal-cal. Bring it.

No?

That's exactly what I -- [ laughs ]

Uh...uh...

Cal-cal, bring it, cal-cal.

Bring it, cal-cal. No?

Yes.

That's exact-- [ laughs ]

Bring it, cal-cal!

Uh...