All language subtitles for My.Wife.And.Kids.S04E03.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-RCVR

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning, daddy.

Hey, sweetie.

Where's claire?
She's on her computer.

Again? She's on that damn thing
all day and night.

Baby, it's for homework.
She's got a shakespeare project.

That's what she tells you,

But I know what goes on
on that internet.

That whole internet's

Nothing but a virtual
sex shop, jay.

And how would you know,
michael?

B-because i-i'm
a concerned parent

Who has to explore that stuff
to protect my children.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Claire,
come downstairs now!

Baby, it's a homework
chat room.

She's perfectly safe.

The internet is not safe.

You know, I wanted
to redo the floors.

I typed in "hardwood."

Apparently,
there's a lot of prisoners

That are into flooring.

So then he goes,
"who's the girl in the skirt?"

And I go,
"none of your business."

And then he goes,
"well, I was just curious."

And then I go --

And then you go
sit your behind down,

Eat your food,
and then you go to school.

And who is this?
Erica.

Hi. Erica?

Yeah, it's god.
Go to school.

What are you doing
with my phone?

I'm confiscating it.

Why?

Because you don't need
all this technology.

You're not with the cia.
[ Pager beeps ]

What are you doing now?

I'm answering my page.
Oh, it's erica.

She wants to know
who the god guy is

And if he's cute.

[ Laughs ]

Give me that.

What are you gonna do,
take everything away from me?

I'm down to my pda.

Who are you?

You're turning into tom cruise
in "minority report."

Give me that thing.
Where do you get
this stuff from?

Mom got it for me.

Lucy...

Michael...

It's a new world.
It's all about communication.

Don't start.

I wish you would
communicate with me

Before you buy
all this junk.

What happened
to good old yelling?

Erica lives right across
the street -- just yell.

Hey, erica!
You want to have breakfast?

See, that's old-fashioned
communication.

Hey, claire,
you just got a fax.

"Can't do breakfast.
How 'bout lunch?

And bring the god guy
with you."

Hey, look at you,
looking all handsome and stuff.

Yeah, what's up
with the suit?

Well, since today is my first
official day at work,

And you pointed out
that my name

Is already
on the company sign,

I concluded that I should step
into the executive ranks.

Oh, you did, huh?
Yep.

You hear what he did?

He concluded that he should be
an executive.

Yeah, because the fact
of the matter is

You're not gonna be
around forever.

Sooner or later,
you'll get a terrible disease

Or have a heart attack

Or grow a tumor
or get in a car accident.

Maybe the state
will kill me for
murdering my son.

Exactly. You kill me,
they kill you,

I take over the business.

You have your number?

Yeah.
Write that down.

Junior, I really do admire
your initiative, son,

But you just don't step
into a management position

Like that.

No, no, I think this young man
has a point, jay.

He is the heir
to the throne.

It's time for him to learn
his way around the throne.

You want me
to clean toilets?

But I wore my suit.

I know.

That's the same suit I bought
you to go to college in

When I thought
you had a future.

How am I supposed to clean
toilets in a suit?

Now, that's an executive
question.

Here's the executive answer.
You take the suit off,

You hang it on the back
of the door,

Then you get down on your knees,
and you scrub out the bowl.

But, dad --

Yeah,
"but" is exactly right.

I want your head in those
butt bowls all day long.

All you want me to do is
clean toilets for eight hours?

You're right, son.
I do value you more than that.

You can sweep up
the loading dock,

Empty this trash,
and wash down the trucks, too.

I'll see you later,
executive v.p. Of t.p.

Wow.

Vice-president of toilets.

Don't let it
go to your head.

Even though you got
a whole lot of head
for it to go to.

Man:
oh, man, that's funny.

You got a big head.

The head of the company.

Junior:
yeah, that's real funny,
guys, really funny.

A lot of employees
might be afraid

Of the repercussions of making
fun of the boss' kid,

But you guys really got me.

Mike, we're just
teasing you, man.

Hey, I deserve it.

If I were you, I'd make fun
of the new guy, too,

Even if he was
related to the guy
who signs your checks.

Why not? The only
thing you guys have
to worry about

Are your futures.

So hey, make some more
big-headed jokes.

Look at it from the side.

Look how I lose my equilibrium
when I move that way.

What you mean,
our futures?

Well, you guys
work for kyle trucking,

And I just happen to be
kyle trucking jr.

Hmm. So your future is me.

Your head ain't that big.

You got to look at it
from the side --

Let me make a suggestion,
gentlemen.

After you finish laughing,
joking around,

You might want
to start thinking about

Kissing up to your futures

Before you end up unemployed,
broke, and homeless.

You want a doughnut?

I got that iced coffee
over there.

Well, kyle and son return
from the battle victorious.

Hey, how'd it go?
How's the young executive?

Great.
Exhausted but great.

Nothing beats
a hard day's work.

I didn't think
I'd make it through,

But I toughed it out.

I kept asking myself,
"what would dad do?"

Sure did.

The boy didn't complain once.
He didn't whine.

He just put his head down
and did his job.

I don't think I've ever felt
like this before.

I have responsibilities,
and I actually faced up to them

Instead of hiding in a dryer
or faking diarrhea.

Where did you work, son?

Was it personnel,
accounting?

Toilets.

What? Michael...

Look, jay, if the boy's
gonna take over the business,

He has to learn
every faucet --

I mean, facet --
of the job.

It wasn't so bad.
I didn't even get
my suit dirty.

Yeah.
As a matter of fact,

How'd you manage
to do that?

I did exactly
what you said, dad.

I took it off,
put it on a hook,

Got on my knees, and started
scrubbing, butt naked.

Ugh! The visual of that
makes me sick.

But you know what?
I'm proud of you, son.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna put you
on the loading dock

Since you did so great
on the unloading dock.

Whatever you say.
You're the boss.

Toilets, michael?
Aren't you being
too rough on him?

He's gonna be a father
in nine months.

That clock is ticking.
I got to be tough.

Hey, where's the girls at?

Kady's watching cartoons,

And claire's upstairs
on her computer again.

Again?

Yeah, uh-huh.

What's the "yeah, uh-huh"?
What's that mean?

I think you were right.

I think that girl
is up to something,

And she doesn't want us
to know what it is.

Did you ask her?

No, I did not ask her.
She is a teenager.

Her mouth
can't form the truth.

No, see,
what I want you to do is

I want you to put on
your superdad outfit,

Fly up there, and find out
what she's doing.

You mean I get a chance
to spy on the kids?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Superdad will go
do what he must do!

Hey.

Did I ever tell you
how sexy you look

In that superdad outfit?

Yeah? Watch me use my superdad
x-ray vision right now.

What you see?

I see you need a wax.

Up, up, and away!

[ Laughing ]
I'm gonna knock you out.

"A woman's face with nature's
own hand painted hast thou,

"Master-mistress
of my passion.

"That was beautiful.
Thanks again, pervis.

I look forward to meeting you."

Claire, come down here.
I need to talk to you.

[ Sighs ]

"Let's get together as soon as
possible. Talk to you soon."

"A woman's face with nature's
own hand painted hast thou,

The master-mistress
of my passion..."?

What kind of filth?

[ Spits ]

I don't know what this means,
but it sounds disgusting.

"How 'bout if we hook up
tomorrow?"

Signed "perk pervis."

What kind of people
are you talking to?

Okay, so you want to hook up
with claire, huh, pervy?

Okay, it sounds good,

Pervis, the pervert --
the sooner the better.

Yes, parting
is such sweet sorrow,

And sorrow's
what you're gonna feel

When I part your skull
tomorrow.

Up, up,
and walk out of here!

Okay, pervis, it's a date.

See you at 3:00, baby.

This is gonna be the worst date
of his life.

Pervis?

Yeah, the name even sounds
creepy -- pervis.

You know,
this is all your fault, jay.

What did I do?

You introduced her
to all this technology.

Okay, I'm sorry!

I didn't know
she was gonna go out

And try to meet
some stranger.

Then let's not give her
any more of these gadgets.

It makes her too accessible

To all the nut cases
in the world.

Well, I don't want you
going out there either.

[ Laughs ] no,
I'm going out there, jay.

And there's nothing you can say
or do to stop me.

3:00, Edison park --
it's on.

I want it out in the open

So nothing gets in the way
of the backswing on my kick.

Whoo! Wha!

Aaah! Eyes!

Why are you so excited
about this?

What is so exciting?

Jay, an opportunity
like this comes along

Once in a lifetime
for a guy.

This is what
we go to the gym for.

I thought you went to the gym
to stay healthy.

Oh, no, no, no.

See, men say that
because it sounds reasonable.

The truth is
we go to the gym

So that when another guy

Tries to lust
after our daughter,

We can hit him...
Right in the...

Noogie, noogie,
noogie, noogie!

So what are you gonna do?

You're gonna walk around
edison park

Asking single men
if they're looking for somebody?

You know
what's gonna happen?

You're gonna be the one
that gets arrested.

All I got to do
is look for the creep

In the red sweater, jay.

When I see red,
I charge like a bull.

[ Snorts ]

And if he's bigger
than you?

I run the other way.

That's what
the cardio's about.

We could get a lot more done
if we had a fourth guy.

Hold it. Nobody move.

Watch my coffee.

What's your name?

You know my name.
It's r.j.

That just happens to be
my name backwards.

You think you're cute,
don't you?

I'm all right.
It depends on what I have on.

He look good in blue.
He's got nice eyes.

You shut up.

And you, sir,
just earned yourself an "f."

That's the first letter
in "fired."

You don't want to get
the y-r-e-d, do you?

Okay. Now, guys,
I'm gonna go sit down

And think of ways
to save this company money,

And I want this fridge
in that truck.

Hey, boss, I know how
you can save money.

You could cut out
the air-conditioning.

What? I don't want
to get f-y-r-e-d.

I can think of a quicker way
to save money.

I'll just
hire some illegals.

Instead of us?
Maybe.

It depends on how
you make me feel.

I could feel really good,

And you guys
all keep your jobs,

Or I could feel
really, really sad

'Cause all of my buddies
are unemployed.

Uh, uh, uh, uh!

I feel real bad
for the boss.

Pumpkin head is gonna
wreck this business.

Why don't you tell him?

"Mr. Kyle,
your son is a bum."

You crazy, man.

You guys
are goofing off again?

Hey, mike,
what's happening?

We actually was discussing
what a wonderful boss we have.

Ever since
you cut out lunch,

We been losing weight,
becoming more aerodynamic.

Don't try to confuse me

With your
highfalutin verbosity.

Just remember, I have got
my eye on you.

Now, all together --
who's the boss?

He is.
He is.
He is.

Hi, daddy.

Hello, son.
How's it going?

Great, daddy.

I see your suit's
not dirty.

Check the pants.

Where the hell
do you get off,

Throwing your
weight around?

You don't have any weight.
I'm top dog around here.

I saw you
pretending to be me.

That's right.
I had my eye on you.

That's how you say it.

Just like that.

Since you made these
gentlemen do your
work this morning,

You're gonna do all of theirs
this afternoon.

Yeah!

Guys, sit down.
Take a break.

Junior, I want you to load
all these refrigerators

By yourself.

In a suit?

No, take the suit off
and put it in a locker.

But I'm not wearing
any underwear.

Excuse me.

Yes?

You wouldn't happen
to be waiting on someone?

Yes, I am -- the most beautiful
girl in the world.

Aw, she wouldn't happen
to be into shakespeare,

Now, would she?

As a matter of fact,
she loves shakespeare,

And so do i.

You do?

Have you ever heard
this quote?

How shall I beat thee?
Let thy count the ways.

Hey, stay away from me!

Stay away from --
you little pervert!

Woman:
hey, leave him alone!

What's the matter with you?

Get away from him!

Is this the woman
you're waiting on?

That's right, buster.

I'm sorry.

Poor howard --
are you all right?

He pinched my ninnies.

You ought
to try it sometime.

That seat is saved.

Don't worry.

I'll get up as soon as
your little buddy gets here.

Buddy? Man, I'm waiting
on a hottie.

Really? What's her name?

Claire.

And she's a hottie, huh?

Yep. She's the...
This chick is sick!

Where'd you meet her?

On the net,
shakespeare chat room.

You know,
smart girls are really stupid.

You know something?

That's my girl.
It's my daughter.

Oh, no!
You're not gonna pinch me

Like you pinched the old man,
are you?

'Cause I was born
with only one nipple.

One nipple?

What do you do
when you take your shirt off?

Fake it
with a chocolate chip.

Come on. I'm taking you home.
Come on.

Can I ask you a question?

What?

Is claire as pretty
as she says?

She's prettier.
Think I have a shot?

I'll give you a shot,
all right.

Aha, chip side.

Hi, honey.

Hi, daddy.
Who's this little guy?

Oh, he's a shakespearean scholar
that I met online.

Pervis, this is claire.

Claire, meet pervis.

Good golly, miss molly!

Oh, my god.

So, what do you say, claire?
Have I got a shot?

Boy, you haven't even
had all your shots.

Go in the kitchen until I take
you back to your mother.

Daddy, I am so,
so sorry.

Claire,
do you have any idea

What a dangerous game
you were playing?

You could have walked
into the arms of any psycho.

I'm sorry, dad.
I guess I got
carried away.

Oh, you could have
gotten carried away

In a box, in pieces.

It was innocent!

I was just trying
to learn shakespeare.

Don't lie to me, girl!

I'm not lying, I swear.

Okay, I believe you.
But you know what?

Just because
your intentions are good

Doesn't mean
everybody else's are.

I'm sorry, dad.

I promise
I'll be more careful.

Oh, you're gonna be
more careful, all right,

Because you're grounded.

You're gonna be upstairs
without the computer.

That's right.

From this day, I am
taking you out of the matrix.

You're unplugged, trinity.

But how am I supposed
to do my homework?

With a paper and a pencil,
the same way I used to do it.

But that'll take forever.

Yeah, and you know what?
One day after forever,

You might be able
to leave this house again.

[ Sighs disgustedly ]

Make it two days
after forever,

And if you do the
[sighs disgustedly] again,

It'll be forever after
ever without teeth.

Now, go upstairs
and think about what you did.

Pervis, put those
chocolate chips down.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Hey, how's it going here?

That's the last one
going in right now.

I guess loading those

Are a lot harder
than watching, huh, son?

Can't...talk.
Too...weak.

No, no.
Before you take a break,

I have a problem
I need you to solve.

A problem?
Yes, sir.

You want to be the boss.
This is a boss question.

You ready?

Ready.

You see, the driver of the truck
you just loaded

Needs to make a pickup,

And the driver of
the empty truck next to it

Is going exactly where those
refrigerators are going.

Now, how do you undo

What the big-headed employee
just did?

Ooh!
That's easy.

No, no, no.

We're gonna let the future boss
answer the question.

[ Imitates ticking ]

I got it!
What, what, what?

I move the refrigerators
from that truck

To that truck.

You thought that hard
to come up with that?

You ain't see the face?

Okay. I guess you know
what you're talking about.

Have fun.

I've got to sit down.

Those things should be called
heavy-igerators.

Hold on a second.

Before you take
your little break,

Let's review what just
transpired, shall we?

Okay.

Okay.

Some dumb
big-headed employee

Just made a huge mistake,

And you fixed it by switching
the heavy-igerators.

Great job.

Thanks, dad.
Thanks, guys.

Now, do you want to know
what I would have done

To fix the problem?

There's another way?

Oh, yeah.
It's called the right way.

What I would have done

Is just simply
switched the drivers.

Brilliant. You the man.

See, that would have saved
a lot of time,

Which would have saved
a lot of money.

I didn't even think of it.

That's why you're the employee,
and I'm the boss.

It just seems
so obvious now.

Yeah. Son,
step into my office.

Now, look, respect is something
that you earn.

It is not a birthright.

What do you mean?

Let's pretend
this is football, okay?

You are the running back
with a lot of potential,

And those men over there,
they're your blockers.

If they don't like you
or respect you,

Then every time
you pick up the ball,

You're gonna get smashed
into the ground.

You understand
what I'm saying?

There is no "i" in "team."

Yeah, right.

Next thing, you'll tell me
there's no "y" in "fired."

You're gonna need
all the blockers you can get.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I should go apologize
to the guys.

That's the smartest thing
you've said all day.

Excuse me, fellas.

I want to apologize
for my behavior.

I realize that I got too big
for my britches.

My dad didn't raise me
that way.

I'm embarrassed
by my actions.

So I hope you can find it
in your hearts to forgive me,

And we can all go forward
as a team.

'Cause as we all know,
there's no "e" in "team."

I realize my success
depends on you,

And that without your help,
I won't go anywhere.

So can you guys forgive me?
Are we even?

Now we're even.

My ding-ding!
It's not...guys!

Ass-s-s-s-s-s-s.

Ass-s-s-s-s-s-s.

Whoo!

You know what
you need to do?

You need to let the police
handle it.

That's what you need to do.

[ Laughs ]