Original subtitles

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning, daddy.

Hey, sweetie.

Where's claire? She's on her computer.

Again? She's on that damn thing all day and night.

Baby, it's for homework. She's got a shakespeare project.

That's what she tells you,

But I know what goes on on that internet.

That whole internet's

Nothing but a virtual sex shop, jay.

And how would you know, michael?

B-because i-i'm a concerned parent

Who has to explore that stuff to protect my children.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Claire, come downstairs now!

Baby, it's a homework chat room.

She's perfectly safe.

The internet is not safe.

You know, I wanted to redo the floors.

I typed in "hardwood."

Apparently, there's a lot of prisoners

That are into flooring.

So then he goes, "who's the girl in the skirt?"

And I go, "none of your business."

And then he goes, "well, I was just curious."

And then I go --

And then you go sit your behind down,

Eat your food, and then you go to school.

And who is this? Erica.

Hi. Erica?

Yeah, it's god. Go to school.

What are you doing with my phone?

I'm confiscating it.

Why?

Because you don't need all this technology.

You're not with the cia. [ Pager beeps ]

What are you doing now?

I'm answering my page. Oh, it's erica.

She wants to know who the god guy is

And if he's cute.

[ Laughs ]

Give me that.

What are you gonna do, take everything away from me?

I'm down to my pda.

Who are you?

You're turning into tom cruise in "minority report."

Give me that thing. Where do you get this stuff from?

Mom got it for me.

Lucy...

Michael...

It's a new world. It's all about communication.

Don't start.

I wish you would communicate with me

Before you buy all this junk.

What happened to good old yelling?

Erica lives right across the street -- just yell.

Hey, erica! You want to have breakfast?

See, that's old-fashioned communication.

Hey, claire, you just got a fax.

"Can't do breakfast. How 'bout lunch?

And bring the god guy with you."

Hey, look at you, looking all handsome and stuff.

Yeah, what's up with the suit?

Well, since today is my first official day at work,

And you pointed out that my name

Is already on the company sign,

I concluded that I should step into the executive ranks.

Oh, you did, huh? Yep.

You hear what he did?

He concluded that he should be an executive.

Yeah, because the fact of the matter is

You're not gonna be around forever.

Sooner or later, you'll get a terrible disease

Or have a heart attack

Or grow a tumor or get in a car accident.

Maybe the state will kill me for murdering my son.

Exactly. You kill me, they kill you,

I take over the business.

You have your number?

Yeah. Write that down.

Junior, I really do admire your initiative, son,

But you just don't step into a management position

Like that.

No, no, I think this young man has a point, jay.

He is the heir to the throne.

It's time for him to learn his way around the throne.

You want me to clean toilets?

But I wore my suit.

I know.

That's the same suit I bought you to go to college in

When I thought you had a future.

How am I supposed to clean toilets in a suit?

Now, that's an executive question.

Here's the executive answer. You take the suit off,

You hang it on the back of the door,

Then you get down on your knees, and you scrub out the bowl.

But, dad --

Yeah, "but" is exactly right.

I want your head in those butt bowls all day long.

All you want me to do is clean toilets for eight hours?

You're right, son. I do value you more than that.

You can sweep up the loading dock,

Empty this trash, and wash down the trucks, too.

I'll see you later, executive v.p. Of t.p.

Wow.

Vice-president of toilets.

Don't let it go to your head.

Even though you got a whole lot of head for it to go to.

Man: oh, man, that's funny.

You got a big head.

The head of the company.

Junior: yeah, that's real funny, guys, really funny.

A lot of employees might be afraid

Of the repercussions of making fun of the boss' kid,

But you guys really got me.

Mike, we're just teasing you, man.

Hey, I deserve it.

If I were you, I'd make fun of the new guy, too,

Even if he was related to the guy who signs your checks.

Why not? The only thing you guys have to worry about

Are your futures.

So hey, make some more big-headed jokes.

Look at it from the side.

Look how I lose my equilibrium when I move that way.

What you mean, our futures?

Well, you guys work for kyle trucking,

And I just happen to be kyle trucking jr.

Hmm. So your future is me.

Your head ain't that big.

You got to look at it from the side --

Let me make a suggestion, gentlemen.

After you finish laughing, joking around,

You might want to start thinking about

Kissing up to your futures

Before you end up unemployed, broke, and homeless.

You want a doughnut?

I got that iced coffee over there.

Well, kyle and son return from the battle victorious.

Hey, how'd it go? How's the young executive?

Great. Exhausted but great.

Nothing beats a hard day's work.

I didn't think I'd make it through,

But I toughed it out.

I kept asking myself, "what would dad do?"

Sure did.

The boy didn't complain once. He didn't whine.

He just put his head down and did his job.

I don't think I've ever felt like this before.

I have responsibilities, and I actually faced up to them

Instead of hiding in a dryer or faking diarrhea.

Where did you work, son?

Was it personnel, accounting?

Toilets.

What? Michael...

Look, jay, if the boy's gonna take over the business,

He has to learn every faucet --

I mean, facet -- of the job.

It wasn't so bad. I didn't even get my suit dirty.

Yeah. As a matter of fact,

How'd you manage to do that?

I did exactly what you said, dad.

I took it off, put it on a hook,

Got on my knees, and started scrubbing, butt naked.

Ugh! The visual of that makes me sick.

But you know what? I'm proud of you, son.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna put you on the loading dock

Since you did so great on the unloading dock.

Whatever you say. You're the boss.

Toilets, michael? Aren't you being too rough on him?

He's gonna be a father in nine months.

That clock is ticking. I got to be tough.

Hey, where's the girls at?

Kady's watching cartoons,

And claire's upstairs on her computer again.

Again?

Yeah, uh-huh.

What's the "yeah, uh-huh"? What's that mean?

I think you were right.

I think that girl is up to something,

And she doesn't want us to know what it is.

Did you ask her?

No, I did not ask her. She is a teenager.

Her mouth can't form the truth.

No, see, what I want you to do is

I want you to put on your superdad outfit,

Fly up there, and find out what she's doing.

You mean I get a chance to spy on the kids?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Superdad will go do what he must do!

Hey.

Did I ever tell you how sexy you look

In that superdad outfit?

Yeah? Watch me use my superdad x-ray vision right now.

What you see?

I see you need a wax.

Up, up, and away!

[ Laughing ] I'm gonna knock you out.

"A woman's face with nature's own hand painted hast thou,

"Master-mistress of my passion.

"That was beautiful. Thanks again, pervis.

I look forward to meeting you."

Claire, come down here. I need to talk to you.

[ Sighs ]

"Let's get together as soon as possible. Talk to you soon."

"A woman's face with nature's own hand painted hast thou,

The master-mistress of my passion..."?

What kind of filth?

[ Spits ]

I don't know what this means, but it sounds disgusting.

"How 'bout if we hook up tomorrow?"

Signed "perk pervis."

What kind of people are you talking to?

Okay, so you want to hook up with claire, huh, pervy?

Okay, it sounds good,

Pervis, the pervert -- the sooner the better.

Yes, parting is such sweet sorrow,

And sorrow's what you're gonna feel

When I part your skull tomorrow.

Up, up, and walk out of here!

Okay, pervis, it's a date.

See you at 3:00, baby.

This is gonna be the worst date of his life.

Pervis?

Yeah, the name even sounds creepy -- pervis.

You know, this is all your fault, jay.

What did I do?

You introduced her to all this technology.

Okay, I'm sorry!

I didn't know she was gonna go out

And try to meet some stranger.

Then let's not give her any more of these gadgets.

It makes her too accessible

To all the nut cases in the world.

Well, I don't want you going out there either.

[ Laughs ] no, I'm going out there, jay.

And there's nothing you can say or do to stop me.

3:00, Edison park -- it's on.

I want it out in the open

So nothing gets in the way of the backswing on my kick.

Whoo! Wha!

Aaah! Eyes!

Why are you so excited about this?

What is so exciting?

Jay, an opportunity like this comes along

Once in a lifetime for a guy.

This is what we go to the gym for.

I thought you went to the gym to stay healthy.

Oh, no, no, no.

See, men say that because it sounds reasonable.

The truth is we go to the gym

So that when another guy

Tries to lust after our daughter,

We can hit him... Right in the...

Noogie, noogie, noogie, noogie!

So what are you gonna do?

You're gonna walk around edison park

Asking single men if they're looking for somebody?

You know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna be the one that gets arrested.

All I got to do is look for the creep

In the red sweater, jay.

When I see red, I charge like a bull.

[ Snorts ]

And if he's bigger than you?

I run the other way.

That's what the cardio's about.

We could get a lot more done if we had a fourth guy.

Hold it. Nobody move.

Watch my coffee.

What's your name?

You know my name. It's r.j.

That just happens to be my name backwards.

You think you're cute, don't you?

I'm all right. It depends on what I have on.

He look good in blue. He's got nice eyes.

You shut up.

And you, sir, just earned yourself an "f."

That's the first letter in "fired."

You don't want to get the y-r-e-d, do you?

Okay. Now, guys, I'm gonna go sit down

And think of ways to save this company money,

And I want this fridge in that truck.

Hey, boss, I know how you can save money.

You could cut out the air-conditioning.

What? I don't want to get f-y-r-e-d.

I can think of a quicker way to save money.

I'll just hire some illegals.

Instead of us? Maybe.

It depends on how you make me feel.

I could feel really good,

And you guys all keep your jobs,

Or I could feel really, really sad

'Cause all of my buddies are unemployed.

Uh, uh, uh, uh!

I feel real bad for the boss.

Pumpkin head is gonna wreck this business.

Why don't you tell him?

"Mr. Kyle, your son is a bum."

You crazy, man.

You guys are goofing off again?

Hey, mike, what's happening?

We actually was discussing what a wonderful boss we have.

Ever since you cut out lunch,

We been losing weight, becoming more aerodynamic.

Don't try to confuse me

With your highfalutin verbosity.

Just remember, I have got my eye on you.

Now, all together -- who's the boss?

He is. He is. He is.

Hi, daddy.

Hello, son. How's it going?

Great, daddy.

I see your suit's not dirty.

Check the pants.

Where the hell do you get off,

Throwing your weight around?

You don't have any weight. I'm top dog around here.

I saw you pretending to be me.

That's right. I had my eye on you.

That's how you say it.

Just like that.

Since you made these gentlemen do your work this morning,

You're gonna do all of theirs this afternoon.

Yeah!

Guys, sit down. Take a break.

Junior, I want you to load all these refrigerators

By yourself.

In a suit?

No, take the suit off and put it in a locker.

But I'm not wearing any underwear.

Excuse me.

Yes?

You wouldn't happen to be waiting on someone?

Yes, I am -- the most beautiful girl in the world.

Aw, she wouldn't happen to be into shakespeare,

Now, would she?

As a matter of fact, she loves shakespeare,

And so do i.

You do?

Have you ever heard this quote?

How shall I beat thee? Let thy count the ways.

Hey, stay away from me!

Stay away from -- you little pervert!

Woman: hey, leave him alone!

What's the matter with you?

Get away from him!

Is this the woman you're waiting on?

That's right, buster.

I'm sorry.

Poor howard -- are you all right?

He pinched my ninnies.

You ought to try it sometime.

That seat is saved.

Don't worry.

I'll get up as soon as your little buddy gets here.

Buddy? Man, I'm waiting on a hottie.

Really? What's her name?

Claire.

And she's a hottie, huh?

Yep. She's the... This chick is sick!

Where'd you meet her?

On the net, shakespeare chat room.

You know, smart girls are really stupid.

You know something?

That's my girl. It's my daughter.

Oh, no! You're not gonna pinch me

Like you pinched the old man, are you?

'Cause I was born with only one nipple.

One nipple?

What do you do when you take your shirt off?

Fake it with a chocolate chip.

Come on. I'm taking you home. Come on.

Can I ask you a question?

What?

Is claire as pretty as she says?

She's prettier. Think I have a shot?

I'll give you a shot, all right.

Aha, chip side.

Hi, honey.

Hi, daddy. Who's this little guy?

Oh, he's a shakespearean scholar that I met online.

Pervis, this is claire.

Claire, meet pervis.

Good golly, miss molly!

Oh, my god.

So, what do you say, claire? Have I got a shot?

Boy, you haven't even had all your shots.

Go in the kitchen until I take you back to your mother.

Daddy, I am so, so sorry.

Claire, do you have any idea

What a dangerous game you were playing?

You could have walked into the arms of any psycho.

I'm sorry, dad. I guess I got carried away.

Oh, you could have gotten carried away

In a box, in pieces.

It was innocent!

I was just trying to learn shakespeare.

Don't lie to me, girl!

I'm not lying, I swear.

Okay, I believe you. But you know what?

Just because your intentions are good

Doesn't mean everybody else's are.

I'm sorry, dad.

I promise I'll be more careful.

Oh, you're gonna be more careful, all right,

Because you're grounded.

You're gonna be upstairs without the computer.

That's right.

From this day, I am taking you out of the matrix.

You're unplugged, trinity.

But how am I supposed to do my homework?

With a paper and a pencil, the same way I used to do it.

But that'll take forever.

Yeah, and you know what? One day after forever,

You might be able to leave this house again.

[ Sighs disgustedly ]

Make it two days after forever,

And if you do the [sighs disgustedly] again,

It'll be forever after ever without teeth.

Now, go upstairs and think about what you did.

Pervis, put those chocolate chips down.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Hey, how's it going here?

That's the last one going in right now.

I guess loading those

Are a lot harder than watching, huh, son?

Can't...talk. Too...weak.

No, no. Before you take a break,

I have a problem I need you to solve.

A problem? Yes, sir.

You want to be the boss. This is a boss question.

You ready?

Ready.

You see, the driver of the truck you just loaded

Needs to make a pickup,

And the driver of the empty truck next to it

Is going exactly where those refrigerators are going.

Now, how do you undo

What the big-headed employee just did?

Ooh! That's easy.

No, no, no.

We're gonna let the future boss answer the question.

[ Imitates ticking ]

I got it! What, what, what?

I move the refrigerators from that truck

To that truck.

You thought that hard to come up with that?

You ain't see the face?

Okay. I guess you know what you're talking about.

Have fun.

I've got to sit down.

Those things should be called heavy-igerators.

Hold on a second.

Before you take your little break,

Let's review what just transpired, shall we?

Okay.

Okay.

Some dumb big-headed employee

Just made a huge mistake,

And you fixed it by switching the heavy-igerators.

Great job.

Thanks, dad. Thanks, guys.

Now, do you want to know what I would have done

To fix the problem?

There's another way?

Oh, yeah. It's called the right way.

What I would have done

Is just simply switched the drivers.

Brilliant. You the man.

See, that would have saved a lot of time,

Which would have saved a lot of money.

I didn't even think of it.

That's why you're the employee, and I'm the boss.

It just seems so obvious now.

Yeah. Son, step into my office.

Now, look, respect is something that you earn.

It is not a birthright.

What do you mean?

Let's pretend this is football, okay?

You are the running back with a lot of potential,

And those men over there, they're your blockers.

If they don't like you or respect you,

Then every time you pick up the ball,

You're gonna get smashed into the ground.

You understand what I'm saying?

There is no "i" in "team."

Yeah, right.

Next thing, you'll tell me there's no "y" in "fired."

You're gonna need all the blockers you can get.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I should go apologize to the guys.

That's the smartest thing you've said all day.

Excuse me, fellas.

I want to apologize for my behavior.

I realize that I got too big for my britches.

My dad didn't raise me that way.

I'm embarrassed by my actions.

So I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me,

And we can all go forward as a team.

'Cause as we all know, there's no "e" in "team."

I realize my success depends on you,

And that without your help, I won't go anywhere.

So can you guys forgive me? Are we even?

Now we're even.

My ding-ding! It's not...guys!

Ass-s-s-s-s-s-s.

Ass-s-s-s-s-s-s.

Whoo!

You know what you need to do?

You need to let the police handle it.

That's what you need to do.

[ Laughs ]