Original subtitles

Michael: good morning, family.

Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.

What you reading, junior?

A book of baby names.

I'm trying to figure out what to call my kid.

That's a very important decision.

Kids tend to live up to their names.

They do?

You don't want to put a "fat," a "little,"

Or "murder" in their name.

Got you.

Why don't you name the kid after me?

Why would I name my kid "dad"?

Huh? Ow!

You know, son, if it's a girl, you can always name her jay.

Or claire.

Or kady.

Why don't you put them together and name her clajaydy?

Eww.

That sounds nasty -- clajaydy.

I wouldn't want her living up to that.

Gentlemen, take out your happy dollars.

Coming to the stage is clajaydy.

If you guys will excuse me, I've got some thinking to do.

I've got to come up with a name.

Claire: I'll help you.

Hey, is that all you're having for breakfast?

Yeah. I want to go down to the club

And work on my short game,

'Cause you know I don't need no work on the long game.

[ Both laugh ]

I almost forgot.

We have a meeting with the insurance guy

About our estate planning on friday.

I'm not going.

Michael, estate planning is a necessary thing.

I ever tell you the story of my uncle willy?

The sweetest man you ever want to meet, okay?

My aunt lucinda was pressuring him for years

To fill out a will.

He said, "unh-unh. No, thank you, right here.

My name's willy, not will."

Finally, he gave in to the "pressure."

He goes downtown, he fills out the paper.

Walking out of the office,

A window washer on the 50th floor sneezes.

His filling pops out of his mouth,

Flies down 50 stories,

Penetrates uncle willy's skull,

Lodges itself between his cerebellum

And medulla oblongata, killing him instantly.

You know uncle willy's last words?

Gesundheit.

Oh, my god. Michael, did that really happen?

No, but it could.

See? Why are you playing?

I don't give you grief about golfing.

That's very dangerous.

How is golf a dangerous game?

Did I ever tell you about my cousin bertram?

You got a cousin bertram?

Oh, I got a cousin bertram. One day...

He hit a 4 iron 175 yards and landed on the green,

Went straight into the hole.

In celebration, he raised up his golf club.

At that moment, a bolt of lightning struck the golf club,

Went down his arm, over his shoulder,

Across his chest, went down his body,

Around his waist, went into his back pocket,

Hit his lucky quarter, and blew his ass off.

Wow.

Yep.

A hole in one. What a lucky guy.

Michael!

Okay, I'll do it.

All right. Friday at 3:00.

All right.

All right. Medulla oblongata.

Lucky quarter.

[ Coin jingles ]

Claire: hi, mom.

Claire. Don't "hi, mom" me.

You know you're on punishment.

You're not even supposed to be out your room.

Dad approved this.

He said I could do community service,

So I signed up to be a big sister.

But you're already a big sister.

No, I'm talking about the organization

Where older girls mentor younger girls.

Come on, sweetie.

I'd like you guys to meet someone.

Jay: ooh.

Who is, uh, this?

This is kennedy, my protégé.

Hi, sweetie.

Hello.

Isn't she adorable?

She a'ight.

Um, claire, this is wonderful.

I am really proud of you, sweetie.

Thanks, mom.

Kennedy, I'll show you my room.

Okay, big sis.

Come on, kady, want to come?

No, little sis.

Hey, jimmy.

Hey, mike, how you doing?

I'm good.

Yeah.

What's going on there?

You noticed, right?

I couldn't help but notice.

Last time I saw you, you was balder than me.

That's a great rug.

Uh, excuse me? No rug here, mike.

What is it, a weave?

Come again?

You get plugs?

Can't hear you. [ Laughs ]

It's all -- aah!

Unh-unh. Unh-unh.

I just tried to touch it. Unh!

Come on. You can't -- unh.

Can I --

Waahh.

[ Laughs ]

Shh, shh, sit down.

What's the matter?

I think these guys over here, they after me.

Don't look at them.

The golfers?

Golfers?

That's what they want you to think!

I think it's the hair. I mean, it's understandable.

You see a guy with a big bush of hair,

You're gonna hate him, right?

You don't hate me, do you, mike?

What's the matter with you, jimmy?

Ain't nothing the matter with me.

I never felt better. What you looking at, man?!

Look, jimmy, let's get back to the hair.

What's the secret?

It's called "hair it is."

You mean to tell me that you took a pill

And your hair grew back like that?

Well, I bumped mine up to 10 a day

'Cause I got a high-school reunion coming up.

But look at me, man,

I'm growing hair like a chia pet.

I'm on my way to the barbershop now.

Wow.

I got to try this stuff.

Take those, man. I got three boxes at home.

I'm gonna try to sneak out before they see me.

Nah!

Oh, my god.

What, what, what?

There's hair.

How much do you see?

I see three strands in the southeast quadrant.

Oh! Oh! Yes, it worked!

Oh, my god!

I got hair! I got hair!

[ Laughing ]

Hey, dad, I wouldn't go out and buy a hairnet just yet,

But it's kind of amazing.

What do you mean by that?

By what?

Buying a hairnet?

Well, it's -- you still...

Aha. I know.

I was just kidding with you, man.

I know what you mean. I know what everybody means.

In fact, you mean a lot more than you think you mean,

My man jelly bean.

[ Laughs ]

[ Inhales sharply ]

I'm lost, dad.

It doesn't matter. You know why?

Whseew. Whseew. I got hair.

[ Piano playing scale exercises ]

Okay. Your turn.

[ Discordant notes play ]

What's the matter, my dove?

You seem like you've got the blues.

[ Piano plays blues music ]

♪ Kady, she's my lady ♪

♪ Kady, she's my baby ♪

♪ When she's wearing a frown ♪

♪ I'm feeling down ♪

♪ So I'm gonna find a clever, new solution ♪

Yeah, I've got a problem.

What problem could a beautiful 7-year-old girl

Living in an upper-class, suburban community,

Being courted by a suitor as resplendent as moi,

Possibly have?

Claire's dumping me for another sister.

What do you mean?

She signed up to spend all her time

Mentoring some needy little girl.

What about me?! I can be needy.

I can be needy. I can be needy!

There, there, my fragrant mushroom.

There's no need to worry. This is great news.

It means more time for us.

You don't understand, franklin.

What if your sister aretha

Wanted to trade you in for a new brother?

I mean, what would you do?

I'd start singing.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ Oh, the sky above is clear again ♪

♪ Let us sing a song of cheer again ♪

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

[ Laughing ]

Anyhoo...

Okay, kady, if it really upsets you that much,

Then we're just gonna have to do something

To keep it from happening.

But how?

I don't know yet...

But it'll come.

♪ Give me a head with hair ♪

♪ Long, beautiful hair ♪

♪ Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ I want it down to there ♪

♪ Hair, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hair, hair, hair, hair ♪

[ Blows ]

♪ Hair, hair, hair, hair -- ♪

Michael! Michael!

Will you stop it?! You're driving me crazy!

What? I'm just singing about my new love, jay -- my hair.

Isn't it beautiful? [ Laughs ]

No, it looks ridiculous.

Oh, come on. You're jealous.

I live in a world of hair haters, jay.

You see this here? Look at this, baby.

Northeastern quadrant -- that's new growth.

You see this here in the sub-sahara section?

That's a baby -- unh-unh.

Michael, I -- no, no, no.

I was just trying -- unh-unh.

Right here -- whoo.

Don't touch the curls.

They're delicate until they get their legs.

I cannot believe you --

Oh, my god! Unh-unh.

Aah! Aah! I'll snap it.

Get off!

Just stop that stupid piano playing!

You're giving everybody else in this house a headache!

Try to touch my hair.

[ Door opens ]

I got the number.

Do you really think this is going to work?

Of course it'll work, my love. You make everything work.

You make the sun come up. You make the birds sing.

You make my heart flutter.

Just shut up and give me the number.

Here.

Now, remember,

You're a concerned parent.

Be assertive.

Franklin, be quiet.

Yeah, just like that.

Hello. I mean -- [ clears throat ]

[ Deep voice ] hello.

Is this the big sister organization?

So, of the two plans I've outlined,

"A" is the most expensive,

But it's also, by far, the best.

So, what you're saying...

Is if I love my family, I'd go with plan "a."

On the other hand,

If I don't like my family, I go with plan "b."

That's one way of putting it.

Well, here's another way of putting it.

Pow.

What about I just save a few bucks

And go with plan "c"?

That's where I fake my own death

And run off to rio with some hooker and liquor.

[ Laughing ]

Michael!

Okay, we'll go with plan "b." Michael!

Plan "c." Michael!

Plan "a"! Okay, plan "a."

I pay, I die, your money multiply.

My, my, my, I feel like I'm gonna cry.

You happy, jay?

You happy, happy, happy, happy, happy?

I got a question.

Something just hit me.

How much does she make if I die?

In the event of your early demise,

Jay would receive $3 million.

$3 Million?!

What do I get if she kicks the bucket?

$12,000.

$12,000?!

That doesn't seem fair, now, does it?

Now, you listen to me, fuzzy lumpkin.

I am about to -- whoa!

You know what -- aah!

Michael!

Listen -- whaaaaaa!

Get off of me!

Don't touch the hair...

Anywhere.

Let me tell you something.

You were the one

Who wanted me to quit my career as a stockbroker

And become your accountant.

That makes you the primary breadwinner.

Primary breadwinner.

That sounds like $3 million patsy, to me.

Why are you sounding so paranoid?

I'm not paranoid.

Sit down.

Okay, before we wrap things up and get to signing papers,

There's just one more decision you two have to make.

Should michael end up in a vegetative state,

Would you want to keep the machines on or pull the plug?

Keep it on. Pull the plug.

Get out -- get outta here.

Jay: wanda, I don't know.

I'd hate to have to cut his head off myself.

[ Sighs ]

It's gonna be hard to do, that's why.

Yeah.

A good whack with the cleaver will make it pop off, right?

Yeah, well, I wish I had a sack to put over his head

So he wouldn't look at me.

She's trying to kill us.

Okay, girl, let me get to this, all right,

'Cause michael really does love him some catfish.

All right. Bye.

Ohh! Eww!

Ew, it popped up!

Hey, what do you think of my new look?

You look crazy.

[ Chuckles ]

Good crazy or bad crazy?

Cra-- unh-unh.

Cra-- whoo!

Right there. You leave yourself open.

Oosh!

You look crazy crazy.

That must be

What they call people with long, luxurious hair.

[ Chuckles ]

It looks frightening.

You look like a bad science experiment.

Oh, you're just jealous

Because you don't have the patches look.

Pow.

Well, dad, I like it.

Thank you, son.

See, they're just -- whoo! I'll snap it.

Junior: mom, the food smells good.

Yeah, what is it?

Something special I made just for your father.

Awww, jay, always looking out for her husband --

Or should I say, has-been?

Here, kady, why don't you take a bite of this to see --

No! Michael, no!

Aha!

You trying to kill her?!

You admit, you put a little something extra in this plate.

Yes, peanut oil! She's allergic to this!

The old peanut-oil trick, huh?

What is wrong with you?!

Nothing's wrong with me, jay -- nothing at all,

And I plan on keeping it that way.

That hair's not growing out of your head.

It's growing into it.

Don't come near me with that!

Michael, what are you talking about?!

Get your butt over here, sit down, and eat this food.

No, no, no, I got my dinner, jay.

[ Laughs ]

What was that?

I don't know.

Your father's been acting very strange lately.

I thought something was wrong this morning

When he told me I should name the baby urder.

The more he grows that stupid hair,

The nutsier he gets.

You know what, claire, you're right.

[ Sighs ]

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Oh, hi, claire. What's up?

Oh, nothing.

Just figured I'd come spend some time with my little sister.

Finally. Do you wanna play a game?

Sure. Let's play phone call.

Ring, ring, ring.

Now pick up yours.

Hello. Big sister organization.

What's that?

You have information about your daughter claire?

She's been in rehab?

She's on parole for beating up her little sister?

Oh, wow, you must be able to see into the future,

Because I didn't start beating her up until now.

I'm sorry!

I just don't want you to be anybody else's big sister.

Look, kady,

You know how mom and dad have enough love

To share with three children?

Yeah.

Well, I have enough love

To share with you and a less-fortunate little girl.

So don't look at it like you're losing me.

Look at it as a chance to make a new friend.

Maybe you're right.

What are you looking at?

Aah!

Michael, are you okay?!

Unfortunately for you, yes, I am.

Why aren't you at work?!

Because they're after me down there -- all of them.

They're after my hair,

And you got them in on the scheme.

You're gonna give them a little bit of the insurance money

After you bump me off!

Look at this.

Gun! She's got a gun!

Michael!

Michael, where are you?!

Michael, will you look?

I went online and found out this stuff contains thc.

"The hair cure," baby.

No, no!

This is the same stuff that's in marijuana.

Taken in large amounts, it causes paranoia.

Why should I believe you?

The recommended dosage is one a day.

How many have you been taking?

One [blows] every hour.

Oh, my -- michael, no wonder you've been acting so crazy!

Yeah, but my hair looks good!

No, it doesn't!

You looked better bald!

You looked a thousand times better!

You didn't like me when I had hair?

No, I didn't like you. I hated you!

I don't even know why I married you.

But then, baby,

When you went bald, I was like, "whoo!"

Like "whoo"? Whoo.

Whoo.

And sexy, too.

Sexy?

Real sexy.

What are you doing with the babies?

Why don't you come on out of there...

You be careful with that.

...and we can go to the doctor.

Watch where you put the -- you're gonna step on it.

Then, we can go to the barber.

[ Voice breaking ] you're teasing me.

You're teasing me.

Okay, why should I trust you?

You don't know if you can trust me,

Except for the fact that we've spent

Practically our entire lives together, michael,

And all I've ever done is love you.

Guys, what do you think?

Should we trust her?

[ Caribbean accent ] I don't know, man.

I don't like the way she...them keys.

[ High-pitched voice ] well, if I were you,

I would listen to her, because you know,

She does have a cute smile when she looks at you.

[ Normal voice ] okay, jay, wait a second.

I won't even move.

Look, you're right.

I have been feeling strange

Ever since I started taking those pills.

And honestly, having hair doesn't matter to me at all.

I'm very glad to hear that.

Whoa!

Kiss with your lips, not your hands.

Hey, is that al roker over there on the pogo stick?

Where? Give me my stuff.

Bad boy! Give me the pills!

[ Whistling ]

How you doing?

Hey, jimmy.

Hey, mike.

What's happening, dude? Nothing much.

Can I buy you a drink? Sure.

Cool. Another round, please.

[ Chuckles ] I see you cut you, too, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Man, my wife had to hog-tie me

And drag me to the doctor to get off that stuff.

Dude, they had to shoot me with a tranquilizer dart

And drag me out of my reunion.

Doot!

That's some bad stuff, jimmy.

Oh, I know.

Hey, you miss the hair?

Oh, not these days,

'Cause it's heating up in the bedroom.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, buck wild because of these.

"Man again."

Wow. Any side effects?

Oh, none at all. Ugh!

It's all new growth, baby.

Get out of here. Unh-unh.

Aah!

Unh-unh. Unh-unh.

Come on. This is -- unh!

Unh-unh.

Unh-unh-unh.