Original subtitles

HEY.

HEY. DID YOU GET THE TICKETS?

HA HA. WELL...

OH! THIS IS GREAT!

I ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE THE GRAND CANYON.

OH, AND YOU'RE GOING TO SEE IT, AND IT'S GOING TO BE GRAND.

OH, MICHAEL, SO WHEN DOES OUR FLIGHT LEAVE?

"WHAT TIME DOES THE FLIGHT LEAVE?" SHE SAYS.

"WHAT TIME DOES THE FLIGHT LEAVE?"

WHEN DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE?

[ Gasps ] MICHAEL, YOU DID NOT RENT US A PRIVATE JET.

OF COURSE I DIDN'T.

BUT I RENTED US SOMETHING

THAT IS 6,000 TIMES BETTER THAN A PRIVATE JET.

REALLY? WHAT IS THAT?

BABY, FEAST YOUR EYES

ON THAT.

WHAT'S THIS?

THAT'S THE WANDERVAN 6000.

A STUPID R.V.?

HEY, DON'T YOU DISRESPECT THE WANDERVAN.

SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT. SHE'S IGNORANT.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW YOUR BEAUTY AND EXQUISITENESS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I AM REALLY SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO DISRESPECT HER. CAN I SEE THE BROCHURE?

YES, YOU CAN.

I'M NOT IGN'ANT. OW.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

LOOK, I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT THIS WANDERVAN

IS AN EXQUISITE PIECE OF MACHINERY.

THIS THING IS A ROLLING MANSION.

IT'S NOT AN R.V.

THIS IS AN R.M.

NO, YOU'RE AN R.M.

WHAT'S THAT?

A REAL MORON.

HEY, DON'T YOU DISRESPECT ME WITH THEM WORDS.

OW. YOURS SOUNDS BETTER.

MICHAEL... THERE IT IS.

STOP.

STOP.

MICHAEL, I AM NOT DRIVING TO ARIZONA

IN THAT BIG, STUPID THING.

HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

I WILL DO THE DRIVING.

YOU JUST SIT BACK AND LUXURIATE.

LUXURIATE, HUH?

THAT'S RIGHT. THIS THING HAS RECLINING BUCKET SEATS

WITH THE FINEST CORINTHIAN LEATHER,

SOFTER THAN DENZEL WASHINGTON'S HANDS.

NOW, YOU IMAGINE YOUR BIG, PRETTY BOOTY

PROPPED UP IN DENZEL'S HAND GOING CROSS-COUNTRY.

MM.

OOH, LOOK AT THAT BUMP. OH, I GOTCHA.

STOP, DENZEL.

WATCH THAT TURN. COME HERE, COME HERE.

GET OVER HERE. DENZEL, STOP. MICHAEL'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

OKAY, SO WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

ABOUT THIS IS ...

DENZEL, NO, BABY, STOP.

HA HA HA HA.

OW!

STOP!

OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS SOUNDS REALLY, REALLY NICE, MICHAEL,

BUT WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU RENT AN R.V.?

OF ALL THINGS, YOU KNOW DOGGONE WELL

THAT THE WORST TRIP I EVER TOOK IN MY LIFE WAS IN AN R.V.

WHEN I WAS A KID. YOU KNOW THAT. I TOLD YOU THE STORY.

I KNOW, BUT THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE THEN.

EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT NOW.

THE ROADS ARE PAVED.

WHATEVER.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

LOOK, I KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY THIS IS THE PERFECT TRIP.

SEE, I WANT TO HELP YOU CONFRONT YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

AND TURN THAT BAD MEMORY

INTO A BEAUTIFUL CROSS-COUNTRY EXPERIENCE.

YOU DO?

YEAH. PLUS, IF WE FLY, WE'RE GOING TO MISS OUT

ON ALL THE HISTORICAL LANDMARKS THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS TO OFFER.

THINK ABOUT THE AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN,

THE PURPLE MOUNTAINS' MAJESTY ABOVE THE FRUITED PLAIN.

♪ AMERICA ♪ I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DO THAT. I KNEW.

♪ AMERICA ♪ I KNEW. I KNEW.

DON'T EVEN KNOW THE WORDS, DO YOU?

♪ EE NO, YOU DON'T.

♪ AH

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO, I'LL GO!

JUST STOP SINGING!

I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS, BUT I WILL GO.

JUST PLEASE.

♪ FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA ♪

MICHAEL!

SORRY.

IT'S NOT LEGAL NOT TO FINISH THE SONG, BABY.

YEAH, RIGHT.

I WANT TO SEE YOU TELL THE KIDS. THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE.

OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

THEY GOING TO BE SO THRILLED WHEN THEY SEE

THE WANDERVAN 6000.

IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE? ARE YOU GUYS HIGH?

YES, I'M HIGH OFF THE FACT

THAT WE'RE GOING TO SEE THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS TOGETHER.

IT'S GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN.

HA!

FUN? IT SOUNDS LIKE TORTURE.

TWO WEEKS WITH YOU IN A SMALLER HOUSE?

I CAN BARELY TAKE IT IN THIS HOUSE.

BESIDES, ISN'T R.V.ing

SOMETHING OLD PEOPLE DO BEFORE THEY DIE?

OOH, NO, SHE DIDN'T. NO, SHE DIDN'T.

SO I GUESS YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ALL THE MALLS

BETWEEN HERE AND THE GRAND CANYON.

MALLS?

YOU MEAN THERE ARE OTHER MALLS BESIDES THE MALL?

SEE, THIS IS THE REASON WHY WE'RE TAKING THIS TRIP...

SO WE CAN ANSWER THOSE PROFOUND QUESTIONS.

OH. WELL, I'M IN.

WELL, I HAVE AN ISSUE.

I CAN'T GO TWO WEEKS WITHOUT ANOTHER KID TO TALK TO.

OKAY, IS THERE ROOM IN THE R.V. FOR ONE MORE?

"IS THERE ROOM IN THE R.V. FOR ONE MORE?" SHE SAYS.

"IS THERE ROOM IN THE R.V. FOR ONE MORE?"

OKAY, JUST GO ASK FRANKLIN IF HE CAN COME ALONG.

THAT WORKS FOR ME.

COUNT US OUT. COUNT YOU OUT?

THE PROBLEM, MR. KYLE,

IS WE'RE STILL A NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE,

AND WE NEED OUR PRIVACY, CHI-CHI.

Jay: OH, GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DO IN PRIVATE

THAT YOU CAN'T DO AROUND US?

AAH!

DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN. I'M YOUR FATHER.

NOT TO YOU. TO HER.

AAH!

YOU DON'T EVEN SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO HER.

DAD, I DON'T THINK YOU HEARING ME CORRECTLY.

OHH. YEAH, THAT'S...

AAH! I TOLD YOU, DON'T SAY IT, BOY.

NOW, LOOK, WE BOOKED THIS R.V.,

AND WE'RE ALL GOING, AND THAT'S IT.

VANESSA, YOU ARE A KYLE NOW,

SO YOU DO WHATEVER STUPID THING THE REST OF THIS FAMILY DOES.

STUPID. YEAH.

OKAY, MR. KYLE, OKAY.

FINE. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE THE GRAND CANYON, ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, I WONDER HOW HIGH IT IS.

AAH!

HA HA HA HA. SO I GUESS WE'RE ALL SET.

JUST HAND ME THE KEYS TO THAT BABY,

AND WE'LL HIT THE ROAD, JACK.

I WILL, BUT INSURANCE LAWS REQUIRE ME TO SHOW YOU

A LITTLE SAFETY VIDEO FIRST.

OH, NO, THAT'S A GOOD THING.

WE WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING WE NEED TO KNOW BEFORE WE LEAVE.

ALL RIGHT, HAVE A SEAT,

AND I WILL BE BACK IN 3 HOURS AND 10 MINUTES.

WHAT?

[ GROANS ]

Man: THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING THE WANDERVAN 6000,

THE MOST LUXURIOUS VEHICLE ON THE ROAD.

GOD, HIS VOICE IS BORING AND ANNOYING. SHH.

I HEARD THAT.

TO PULL DOWN THE AWNING,

USE THE HOOK ROD LOCATED IN COMPARTMENT "B"

ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE AWNING SAFETY LATCH

MARKED "AWNING HOOK ROD COMPARTMENT."

NOW, REMEMBER TO ALWAYS MAKE SURE

THE REGULATOR VENT FACES DOWNWARD

TO MINIMIZE VENT BLOCKAGE,

RESULTING IN THE CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSION OF YOUR VEHICLE

AND THE DEATH OF EVERYONE ON BOARD.

OKAY.

THREE HOURS GO BY THAT FAST? WHOA.

ANY QUESTIONS?

NO, THIS IS VERY INFORMATIVE.

I KNOW THAT THE GREEN LEVEL DOES THE AWNING.

WELL, I GUESS YOU GUYS ARE READY TO ROCK 'N' ROLL.

HA HA HA HA HA.

HEY, WHAT'S THAT GUY? I'VE BEEN WATCHING HIM FOR A WHILE NOW.

OH, YES.

CECILESE MUSTACHIOS, YES.

HE'S THE GUY WHO HOLDS THE WORLD RECORD...

FROM CONNECTICUT TO THE GRAND CANYON IN 37 HOURS.

OH, THAT'S INSANE.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE RECORD, MR. KYLE.

WHAT? WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

NOTHING. NOTHING. COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU WANT TO PLAY THE TAPE AGAIN? NO, NO.

NO.

OKAY, I'VE GOT EVERYTHING.

YOU SURE DO. NOW GO PUT IT BACK.

I TOLD YOU, WE'RE GOING TO BUY STUFF ALONG THE WAY.

TAKE THOSE SUITCASES BACK IN THE HOUSE

AND PACK A SMALLER BAG.

ALL RIGHT, KILLJOY.

SAY IT AGAIN, HEAR,

I'M GOING TO KILL JOY AND KILL CLAIRE.

I DON'T WANT TO GO ON THIS TRIP ANYWAY.

Franklin: MR. KYLE?

UH, YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS "CAPTAIN"

WHILE I'M MANNING THIS VESSEL.

OH, WHAT IS THAT NONSENSE ABOUT?

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GREAT FOR THE TRIP

IF WE ALL PRETENDED WE WERE ON THE STARSHIP.

[ Snorting ] HA HA HA HA. GREAT, MICHAEL, FINE. GREAT.

UM...

WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S THE SIGN. READ IT.

WHAT DOES IT SAY? "MADE IN TAIWAN."

NO, UP... UP THERE. "CAP'N"?

NO, STARFLEET CAPTAIN.

LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.

WHILE ABOARD THE M.K. ENTERPRISE,

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS "CAPTAIN."

GOT THAT? OVER.

YEAH. YEAH .

I DON'T WANT TO GO ON THIS TRIP ANYWAY. WHATEVER.

IT'S THE CAPTAIN. CAPTAIN. RIGHT.

ENOUGH OF THE SARCASM,

OR I'LL HAVE YOU ALL ON THE BRIDGE.

HA HA HA HA.

FRANKLIN, YOU ARE NOW FIRST ENGINEER SCOTTY.

[ Scottish accent ] AYE-AYE, CAP'N.

I'LL GO CHECK THE DILITHIUM CRYSTALS.

WHAT'S THAT? IT'S THE STUFF THAT POWERS THE ENTERPRISE, CAP'N.

REALLY? NO, IT'S THE BLUE STUFF IN THE TOILET.

HEY, HEY, HOW COME HE GETS TO BE SCOTTY?

I WANTED TO BE SCOTTY.

CAN YOU DO A SCOTTISH ACCENT?

OF COURSE I CAN. OKAY, LET ME HEAR IT.

SI, SI, EL CAPITAN.

IT IS MULTO FRIDO OUTSIDE, CAPTAIN HOLMES, EH?

HA HA HA.

THAT'S A SPANISH ACCENT. OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU BE SPOCK.

OH, I GET TO BE THE SMART ONE.

THAT AIN'T LOGICAL. THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.

OH, DEAR GOD, WE'RE NEVER GETTING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 2057-043...

WE EMBARK ON OUR JOURNEY TO THE GRAND CANYON.

WE ARE GOING TO GO THERE IN UNDER 37 HOURS.

WHAT?! MICHAEL, YOU SAID THAT WE WERE GOING

TO STOP AT HISTORICAL SITES ALONG THE WAY.

WE ARE, ON THE WAY BACK.

SEE, WE'LL GO TO THE GRAND CANYON,

WE'LL SEE THAT, AND THEN WE'LL MOSEY ON BACK,

AND WE'LL SEE ALL THOSE SIGHTS.

THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.

MICHAEL, WHY ON EARTH

WOULD YOU WANT TO DRIVE TO THE GRAND CANYON

UNDER 37 HOURS?

BECAUSE IF I BREAK THE RECORD,

THEN ALL THE GAS IS FREE,

PLUS THEY THROW IN A WANDERVAN 6000 KEYCHAIN.

AND ON TOP OF THAT,

INSTEAD OF MY FACE MUSTACHIO, P

AND I BECOME THE NEW CECILESE.

SO THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT...

YOU WANT TO DRIVE NONSTOP FROM CONNECTICUT TO ARIZONA

JUST SO THAT YOUR FACE CAN BE IN A PICTURE

IN AN R.V. SALESMAN'S OFFICE.

DUH.

OH, MICHAEL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

"R.V.ing FOR DUMMIES" SAYS YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO

DRIVE MORE THAN 300 MILES A DAY.

RIGHT... "FOR DUMMIES." I'M NOT A DUMMY, JAY, OKAY?

IF YOU'RE NICE TO ME

AND YOU'RE SUPPORTIVE...

I'LL GIVE YOU THE KEYCHAIN.

OH, MY GOD. I GET THE KEYCHAIN.

OH, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

Claire: HAPPY?

YES, VERY. NOW SIT IN, STRAP YOURSELVES IN, LET'S GO.

I'VE USED TOPOGRAPHICAL MAPS

TO CHART THE MOST FUEL-EFFICIENT ROUTE.

WE'LL BE TRAVELING DOWNHILL MOST OF THE WAY.

THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.

JUNIOR, SHUT UP.

IT'S NOT JUNIOR, IT'S SPOCK.

OKAY, SPOCK, SHUT UP.

IT'S MR. SPOCK.

MR. SPOCK, SHUT UP!

SPOCK, WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

IT'S A VULCAN TRAIL MIX... CABBAGE AND BEAN SALAD.

JUNIOR, WHEN YOU GET A FREE MOMENT,

I'LL BE IN THE BATHROOM CHANGING THE LIGHT BULBS.

AAH!

THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.

WOMEN... LOVELY CREATURES, BUT HIGHLY EMOTIONAL.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

HEY, WHAT? THE BOOK SAYS THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

GLIDE OVER THE SPEED BUMPS AT A VERY SLOW RATE...

NOT IN THE WANDERVAN 6000.

OKAY, THIS THING WAS BUILT WITH GERMAN TECHNOLOGY.

IT'S MADE TO GO OVER SPEED BUMPS. WATCH THIS.

OH!

MICHAEL!

THAT WASN'T THAT BAD, HUH?

SCOTTY.

Franklin: AYE, CAP'N.

I NEED MORE POWER.

BUT, CAP'N, SHE'LL BREAK THE CORE.

THAT AIN'T LOGICAL.

BOY, YOU STOP WITH THE "LOGICAL" IN MY EAR,

ALL RIGHT?

THAT AIN'T LOGICAL, MAMA. GET OUT OF MY FACE, JUNIOR.

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NOT SPOCK ANYMORE.

AND WHAT THE HELL IS THAT YOU'RE DOING?

THAT'S THE VULCAN SLEEP PINCH.

SLEEP, DADDY.

SLEEP.

YOU AMATEUR.

MICHAEL, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE TAKING THE "STAR TREK"...

STAND DOWN, UHURA.

WHAT YOU CALL ME? UHURA.

WHAT? UHURA.

OH, BOY...

SHE WAS THE CAPTAIN'S PRETTY ASSISTANT.

OH, WELL, YOU BETTER ENUNCIATE NEXT U-HUR-A.

HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, CAP'N. THANK YOU.

I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF PUTTING A LITTLE SCOTTISH CHEER IN IT.

YOU PUT LIQUOR IN MY HUSBAND'S COFFEE WHILE HE'S DRIVING?

NO, I JUST DROPPED A LITTLE HAGGIS IN IT.

UGH!

I'M NOT DRINKING THIS

IF YOU PUT YOUR LITTLE HAGGIS IN IT.

NO, HAGGIS IS YOUR TRADITIONAL SCOTTISH DISH

MADE FROM LAMB INTESTINE.

OH. WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.

EW!

I'LL BE IN THE ENGINE ROOM.

THIS MUST BE WHAT HELL IS LIKE. WHA T?

STUCK IN A TIN CAN FULL OF TREKKIES.

DAD... HEY, HEY, HEY, PLAY THE CAPTAIN GAME, BABY.

PLAY THE CAPTAIN GAME.

[ Sighs ] CAPTAIN...

YES, YES, YES.

JUNIOR'S BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOR OVER AN HOUR.

IT'S THAT DAMN CABBAGE AND BAKED BEANS HE'S EATING.

BOY, GET OUT OF THAT BATHROOM!

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.

JUST DROP ME OFF AT THE NEAREST AIRPORT,

AND I'LL FLY HOME. OKAY, DEAR.

I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM, TOO!

JUNIOR, THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN HERE BESIDES YOU!

GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!

Junior: GOTTA GET THIS DEMON OUT OF ME!

LOOK, WELL, BOY, HURRY UP AND BEAM IT OUT

AND LET SOMEONE ELSE IN THERE.

BAD NEWS, CAPTAIN. WE'RE LOST.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LOST?

WELL, AT UHURA'S INSISTENCE...

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME... U-HUR-A. U-HUR-A.

Y'ALL BETTER ENUNCIATE UP IN HERE, FOR REAL.

WELL, AT U-HUR-A'S INSISTENCE,

I CHARTED A ROUTE TO A CAMPGROUND.

WE SHOULD HAVE ARRIVED BY NOW.

A CAMPGROUND? I TOLD YOU

WE WERE GOING TO DRIVE STRAIGHT THROUGH TO THE CANYON

IN LESS THAN 37 HOURS.

NO, NO, YOU'RE GOING TO DRIVE STRAIGHT THROUGH.

THE REST OF US ARE GOING TO REST AND STOP FOR THE NIGHT.

DON'T YOU WANT YOUR WANDERVAN KEYCHAIN?

HA HA HA HA.

WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER. ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS,

WE'RE LOST SOMEWHERE IN WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA.

GREAT! GREAT, NOW THERE'S NOWHERE TO STOP.

YOU HAPPY, MICHAEL?

WILL YOU CALM DOWN? I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.

YEAH, RIGHT. ALL WE GOT TO DO

IS ZIP OVER TO THE WATACACHEE JUNCTION,

THEN GO EAST FOR 2 MILES,

AND THEN RIGHT ON TO THE I-29 GOING SOUTH.

THERE IS NO I-29 GOING SOUTH.

YES, THERE IS.

NO, THERE ISN'T, BECAUSE WHEN I LOOKEDSL...

NICE TRY, MICHAEL, BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

I KNOW WE'RE LOST.

SEE, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE R.V.

YOU'RE NEVER LOST, BECAUSE YOU HAVE

EVERYTHING YOU NEED WITH YOU.

WE DON'T NEED A CAMPGROUND.

ALL WE NEED TO DO IS JUST PULL OVER

TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND RECHART THE COURSE

THE SAME WAY THE PIONEERS DID.

OH, NO, WE WILL NOT.

THE BOOK SAYS IT'S DANGEROUS TO PULL OVER

AND PARK ANYWHERE EXCEPT FOR OFFICIAL CAMPGROUNDS.

OH, MY DEAR GOD.

WHOO!

OH, HEY, WHAT THE...

OH, YOU...

OH, YOU... GET IT, GET IT... DON'T SMELL!

COME HERE, COME HERE!

WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?

DID AN ALIEN CRAWL UP IN YOU AND DIE?

DID A KLINGON FALL OUT YOUR ASS?

OPEN THE WINDOWS.

PULL OVER RIGHT HERE, MICHAEL. I DON'T CARE WHERE WE STOP.

MICHAEL, I GOT TO ADMIT, THIS IS REALLY NICE.

ISN'T IT?

YOU KNOW, I FINALLY GET WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

HERE WE ARE, IN THE MIDDLE OF AMERICA,

THE FAMILY'S TOGETHER, NO TELEPHONE RINGING, NO TV,

JUST US.

JUST SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH THE ONES YOU CARE ABOUT.

I REALLY LOVE THIS.

SO DO I.

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP.

WE GOT TO GET GOING. COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO.

MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE IT. PICK THOSE UP. COME ON.

I'VE GOT IT, I'VE GOT IT.

DON'T JUST STAND THERE.

WE'RE ON A TIMEFRAME. COME ON.

LET'S GO.

MUMFORD, I NEED THAT JITTER JUICE NOW!

ONE ENERGY DRINK COMING UP.

MICHAEL, YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN

ON ALL OF THAT CAFFEINE. YOUR EYE IS STARTING TO TWITCH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

AND WHAT'S WITH THE STUPID HAT?

MY BOOK DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT STUPID...

HEY! AAH!

HEY, HEY, I'LL STOP ON THE WAY BACK AND GET IT.

YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T FAIR.

YOU GUYS TRICKED ME INTO THIS TRIP,

TELLING ME WE WERE GOING TO SHOP AT MALLS,

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN TO ONE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK VENDING WORLD WAS?

CHOOSING BETWEEN MOON PIES, BUBBLE GUM, AND CHEWING TOBACCO

IS NOT SHOPPING.

SURE IT IS.

YEAH, TO HILLBILLIES.

I GUESS I'LL GO SMOKE ON MY CORNCOB PIPE

AND MARRY MY COUSIN. [ Snorts ]

[ HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER ]

SEE, THAT'S THE KIND OF FUN

I WAS TALKING ABOUT US HAVING ON THIS TRIP.

GREAT ONE, CLAIRE! GREAT!

WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THAT!

GIVE IT TO ME.

LOOK AROUND YOU, MICHAEL.

EVERYBODY HERE IS EITHER BORED, TIRED, OR DEPRESSED.

I'M LOOKING AROUND ME. HA HA HA HA HA.

REFUGEES HAVE HAD MORE FUN

THAN YOUR FAMILY IS HAVING RIGHT NOW.

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU NEED TO BE MORE ACTIVE.

HERE, PRESS THIS BUTTON. PRESS THIS BUTTON.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT. I DON'T WANT TO PRESS NO BUTTON.

YEAH, IT'LL SEND US INTO LIGHT SPEED.

YOU PRESSING MY BUTTONS. PLAY THE GAME, BABY! PLAY THE GAME!

FINE! JUST BE QUIET!

OOH!

OH!

OH!

WE'RE GOING THROUGH THE BLACK HOLE!

PAST THE MILKY WAY!

WATCH OUT FOR THE ASTEROID!

HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

TELL ME THAT WASN'T FUN.

NO!

IT'S NOT FUN.

MICHAEL, MY BUTT HURTS!

PULL THIS THING OVER.

NO, BABY, WE CAN BE AT THE RIM OF THE CANYON

IN LESS THAN THREE HOURS.

TWO IF YOU GIVE ME SOME MORE JITTER JUICE.

NO, GIVE ME... GIVE ME THAT!

NO, I NEED IT! NO! GIVE IT TO ME!

PULL THIS THING OVER!

WATCH THE ROAD AND PULL US OVER!

JITTER JUICE... MWAH!

MICHAEL, PULL IT OVER NOW!

I WANT TO HAVE SOME FAMILY TIME!

I WANT FAMILY TIME!

ALL RIGHT, OKAY, BABY. WE'LL GET FAMILY TIME.

OKAY, NEXT STOP, THE GRAND CANYON...

O O N.

WHOO-HOO.

Michael: WELL...

THERE SHE IS.

A BIG EMPTY HOLE?

IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO JUNIOR'S HEAD.

I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IT SURE IS.

I SMELL GAS.

DON'T LOOK AT ME. I'M EMPTY.

I DO, TOO.

MICHAEL, DID YOU MESS WITH THE ENGINE OR SOMETHING?

NO.

MICHAEL...

NO, ALL I DID WAS FLIP OPEN THE REGULATOR VENTS

TO AIR THE PLACE OUT.

REGULATOR VENTS...

THERE'S SOMETHING IN HERE ABOUT THAT. REGULATOR VENTS.

WHAT IS THAT?

THE BOOK SAYS, "ALWAYS CARRY A POCKET VERSION

"OF 'R.V.ing VACATIONS FOR DUMMIES'

"JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY TRY TO PLAY YOU OUT

AND THROW YOUR BOOK OUT THE WINDOW."

HERE IT IS. "REMEMBER TO MAKE SURE

"YOUR REGULATOR VENTS FACE DOWNWARD

"TO MINIMIZE VENT BLOCKAGE, WHICH CAN CAUSE

EXCESSIVE GAS PRESSURE, RESULTING"... DOWNWA RD?

DOWNWARD. DOWNWAR D.

RESULTING IN THE...

[ EXPLOSION ]

OH.

NO!

THERE GOES THE JITTER JUICE!

HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET HOME?!

"RESULTING IN THE CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSION

OF YOUR VEHICLE," MICHAEL!

HEY, LOOK, THERE'S AN UPSIDE TO THIS.

WHAT IS THE UPSIDE

TO YOUR VEHICLE CATASTROPHICALLY EXPLODING?

36 HOURS AND 24 MINUTES!

WE MADE IT HERE! WE WON FREE GAS!

THE WHOLE TRIP WAS FREE,

PLUS YOU GOT A WANDERVAN 6000 KEYCHAIN.

HUH?

MY MAMA WAS RIGHT.

MY MAMA WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU.

YOU GOT A TO SEE THEG BIRTHPLACE

OF MARTIN LUTHER KING?

HAVE A DREAM.

YOU GOT AN ITCH TO SEE THE LIBERTY BELL?

WE'RE THERE. HA HA.

GOT A HANKERING TO SEE THE BIRTHPLACE OF...

OF... OF... OF... OF... OF... OF... OF... OF... OF...