Original subtitles

OKAY, THIS IS A BIG DAY.

YOUR MOTHER'S GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE

AND SHE'S REALLY STRESSED OUT.

SO I NEED YOU GUYS TO BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR

AND HELP ME MAKE THIS DAY RUN AS SMOOTHLY AS POSSIBLE.

DAD, YOU WORRY TOO MUCH.

EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.

I DON'T SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS.

I WASN'T NERVOUS WHEN I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU HAD EIGHT YEARS TO PREPARE.

[ LAUGHS MOCKINGLY ]

NOW, LOOK.

YOUR MOTHER HAS WORKED REALLY HARD FOR THIS,

AND WE'VE ALL MADE SACRIFICES.

AND TODAY WE'RE CELEBRATING THAT.

NOW, YOU ALL HAVE YOUR ASSIGNMENTS, RIGHT?

JUNIOR, DID YOU PICK UP THAT BEAUTY RECIPE MAKEUP

THAT YOUR MOTHER ASKED FOR?

GOT IT AND PUT IT IN HER ROOM.

GOOD JOB. Jay: AAH!

I KNOW THAT SOUND, AND THAT'S NOT GOOD...

ESPECIALLY IF I'M NOT IN THE ROOM.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED?

THIS!

OH, MY GOD!

I MEAN, OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

IS IT THAT BAD? NO... IS IT?

OF COURSE IT IS, MICHAEL!

LOOK AT ME! MY FACE IS A SPLOTCHY MESS!

I LOOK LIKE I SHOULD BE IN A "THRILLER" VIDEO.

NO, YOU DON'T. YES, I DO.

NO, YOU DON'T. YES, I DO.

WELL, DO THIS.

IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME, MICHAEL.

IT'S REALLY NOT A GOOD TIME FOR ME RIGHT NOW.

I'M JUST TRYING TO ADD SOME LEVITY.

OKAY, MICHAEL, THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM!

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GRADUATING TODAY!

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT QUESTION BECAUSE...

YOU REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED YOU

TO GO PICK UP MY BEAUTY RECIPE MAKEUP?

BEAUTY RECIPE MAKEUP... I GOT IT. YOU DIDN'T GET IT?

OH, I GOT IT.

OH, I GOT IT. I WANT YOU TO READ THIS.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE "RECIPE" TO YOU?

"REST IN PEACE."

"REST IN PEACE."

"REST IN PEACE," MICHAEL.

THAT MAKEUP IS CADAVER MAKEUP. IT'S FOR CORPSES.

THIS IS DEAD PEOPLE MAKEUP, MICHAEL!

DEAD PEOPLE... AND LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS THE PART THAT REALLY GETS ME.

IT TAKES ME OUT THE GAME. OKAY, RIGHT HERE.

THIS SAYS "WORMPROOF,

MOSS RESISTANT, MAGGOT REPELLENT."

"MAGGOT REPELLENT"!

WELL, LOOK, IN ALL FAIRNESS TO ME, BABY,

I DIDN'T ACTUALLY BUY IT MYSELF.

I DELEGATED THE AUTHORITY TO JUNIOR,

AND HE WENT OUT... WHAT?

YOU GAVE JUNIOR THE AUTHORITY

OVER SOMETHING THAT GOES ON MY FACE?

[ STAMMERS ] I-I-I...

LOOK AT MY FACE, MICHAEL! LOOK AT MY FACE.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

OKAY, I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING COULD GO WRONG.

NO, YOU DIDN'T THINK, MICHAEL. YOU DIDN'T THINK AT ALL!

I WAS DEAD WRONG. LOOK AT MY FACE!

OH, LORD.

LOOK AT MY...

FACE!

OH, WHAT AM I GONNA DO? WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

WELL, CAN YOU DO THIS? LOOK.

YOU BETTER RUN.

AND YOU BETTER RUN FAST!

OW!

Michael: JUNIOR, GET IN HERE!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT HAPPENED?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON.

YOUR MOTHER SENT DOWN A LITTLE GIFT FOR JUNIOR.

OH, A GIFT, AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY GRADUATION.

THAT'S RIGHT. PICK A HAND, SON.

UH, THE LEFT? THE LEFT?

OH, GUESS IT MUST BE THE RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S THE RIGHT.

WHAT DID HE DO?

THE BOY BOUGHT HIS MOTHER DEAD PEOPLE'S MAKEUP.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WHAT?

BOY, LET'S MAKE SURE YOU HAVEN'T SCREWED UP ANYTHING ELSE.

DID YOU PICK UP THE CAMERA AND GET YOUR MOTHER'S GIFT?

YES, I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED, DAD,

EXCEPT FOR THOSE TWO THINGS.

THERE WASN'T ANYTHING ELSE TO DO.

OH, UH, YEAH, YEAH, THERE WAS.

[ LAUGHING ]

Shh, shh.

BOY, GO GET THE STUFF.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET THE STUFF.

GO ON, GO ON. GO ON, GIRL.

NOT THAT STUFF, BOY.

MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM,

MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM.

CLAIRE, LET'S PUT THIS THING BACK ON TRACK, ALL RIGHT?

DID YOU PICK UP YOUR MOTHER'S DRESS FROM THE TAILOR? CHECK.

DID YOU GET THE SHOES? CHECK.

THE PURSE? THE EARRINGS? CHECK.

HOW DID YOU PAY FOR IT? CHECK.

[ LAUGHS ]

NO?

NO.

GO PICK UP YOUR MOTHER'S CAP AND GOWN. HERE'S THE RECEIPT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING, DAD.

OKAY.

[ SIGHS ]

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO, DADDY?

YES, WHY DON'T YOU GO IN YOUR MOTHER'S ROOM

AND TELL HER HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE LOOKS?

OKAY.

MOM, YOU LOOK...

AAH! AAH!

AAAAAAH!

ALL RIGHT, CRAIG. I HOPE EVERYTHING GOES GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, BYE.

HEY, HOW DID IT GO? TELL ME IT WENT WELL.

IT WENT WELL. I GOT THE CAMERA.

YEAH, YEAH, AND I GOT THE GIFT.

FROM THE LOOKS OF YOUR CLOTHES, THAT'S NOT ALL YOU GOT.

PRINTING THAT RECEIPT UP, BABY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. YOU KNOW.

[ LAUGHING ]

OKAY.

PERFECT. THIS IS EXACTLY THE ONE I ORDERED.

YES, IT IS BETTER THAN PERFECT, DAD.

SEE, I THOUGHT A DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED BRACELET

WOULD BE JUST A TAD TOO PLAIN.

SO I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF HAVING IT ENGRAVED.

OH, NO. YOU DIDN'T.

WHY DOES EVERYBODY ALWAYS SELL ME SHORT?

I CAN DO THINGS. I DON'T ALWAYS SCREW UP.

I'M AFRAID TO LOOK AT THIS.

DAD, ALL IT SAYS IS "CONGRATULATIONS, MOM."

OH, WELL...

MY MOTHER IS NOT GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE.

YOUR MOTHER IS. MY WIFE IS GRADUATING.

NOT YOUR MAMA? NOT MY MOTHER.

GUESS I SCREWED UP, HUH?

WELL, I GUESS THE GIFT WILL HAVE TO BE FROM ME.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GET HER?

OH, I ALREADY GOT HER SOMETHING.

OOH, THEN I'M OFF THE HOOK.

YES, YOU ARE. WHICH HAND?

UH... HEY, HEY,

MOVING TOO FAST, MOVING TOO FAST.

THE LEFT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GOING FOR THIS AGAIN.

I GUESS IT MUST BE THE RIGHT.

OW!

HEY, WHAT KIND OF GIFT IS THAT TO GIVE TO MY MAMA, HUH?!

COME ON, VANESSA. LET'S GO.

HEY, HEY, HEY. WHERE'S THE CAP AND GOWN?

SEE, I'M ONE STEP AHEAD OF EVERYBODY ELSE.

I KNEW IF I WAS TO BRING THAT CAP AND GOWN INTO THE HOUSE,

THAT SOMEBODY WAS GONNA SPILL SOMETHING ON IT.

AND BESIDES, I KNOW MOM SAYS SHE LIKES

WHEN CLOTHES ARE CARESSED BY THE WIND AND KISSED BY THE SUN.

SO I LEFT IT OUTSIDE ON THE SWING SET,

OUT OF HARM'S WAY.

GREAT.

ALL RIGHT, SOMEBODY AROUND HERE IS THINKING.

HEY, DAD. WHAT?

I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR MESSING UP EARLIER.

SO, TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU, I TOOK THE INITIATIVE

OF TURNING ON THE SPRINKLER SYSTEM FOR YOU NOW, SO...

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

HEY, DAD... 3, 2, 1.

[ SPRINKLER TURNS ON ]

WELL, NOW THAT I'M ON A ROLL,

I'M GONNA GO GIVE MY MAMA HER DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED BRACELET.

HEY, MAMA! LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU!

AAH!

[ SIGHS ]

OOH.

BABE, YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY?

OH, MY EYE! OH, MY GOD.

BABY, I'M SORRY. LET ME SEE.

NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME!

STAY AWAY FROM ME.

HYAH!

GET AWAY FROM ME.

EVERY TIME YOU COME NEAR ME, SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS.

FIRST YOU PUT CORPSE CREAM ALL OVER MY FACE.

NOW YOU PROBABLY GAVE ME A BLACK EYE.

WHAT'S NEXT? YOU GONNA THROW ME DOWN THE STAIRS?

SHAKE ME? YOU GONNA SHAKE ME, IKE?

GONNA ROLL ME DOWN THE RIVER?

HUH?

WHAT YOU GONNA DO, IKE?

YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T INTENTIONALLY TRY TO HURT YOU.

NO... INTENTIONALLY, NO.

BUT SUBCONSCIOUSLY,

YOU'RE A HIT MAN WITH A CONTRACT OUT ON ME, BROTHER.

YOU KNOW...

SOMETIMES I WISH I WOULDN'T HAVE PAID

FOR ALL THOSE PSYCHOLOGY CLASSES THAT YOU TOOK.

AHA! AHA! "PAID."

FINALLY YOUR FACE CRACKS OPEN AND THE LIZARD COMES OUT!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING...

YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT FACES NOW, 'CAUSE THAT...

[ STAMMERS ] BOY!

NOW, YOU NEVER EVER WANTED ME TO GO TO COLLEGE, DID YOU?

NO, I DIDN'T.

UH-HUH, AND NOW THAT I'M GRADUATING,

YOU'RE TAKING THIS OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A MOCKERY

OUT OF ALL THE WORK THAT I'VE DONE.

THAT IS NOT TRUE. THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.

I AM PROUD OF YOU.

I'M SUPPORTING YOU, ALL YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

OH, REALLY?

THEN WHAT'S MY CAP AND GOWN DOING OUT IN THE SPRINKLERS?

[ Imitating Scooby Doo ] RUH-ROH.

CLAIRE SAID THAT IT WAS BEING KISSED BY THE SUN.

UH-HUH. OH, IT'S ON NOW.

OH, NO, THE GLOVES COME OFF.

THERE IS NO DENYING

THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY DAY, MICHAEL.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART OF WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT YOU'RE NOT DOING

WHAT I CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT YOU ARE DOING

WITH THE ONE GOOD EYE I GOT LEFT!

[ SIGHS ]

WELL? DON'T WORRY, DAD.

I TOOK CARE OF THE PROBLEM WITH THE CAP AND GOWN.

I JUST PUT THE GOWN IN THE DRYER AND THE CAP IN THE MICROWAVE...

WITH POPCORN.

DO YOU KNOW THAT IT'S 100% COTTON?

ALL I KNOW IS IT WAS 100% WET. THEY'LL BE FINE.

BESIDES, IF THEY SHRINK A LITTLE, THEY SHRINK A LITTLE.

AT LEAST IT WILL BE DRY.

OOH! POPCORN.

HA HA.

HELLO, ALL.

HELLO, MUMFORD. HOW'S IT GOING?

STUPENDOUSLY.

I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE AUDITORIUM,

AND I RESERVED THE BEST CAMERA POSITION AND SOME SEATS.

AND HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?

WELL, I HAVE SOME PULL

AT THE FRANKLIN ALOYSIUS MUMFORD HALL.

THEY NAMED A HALL AFTER YOU?

NOT JUST THE HALL, THE WHOLE BUILDING.

I'M TELLING YOU, THEY LIKE ME A HALL OF A LOT.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

ALL RIGHT, MY GRANDFATHER PAID FOR IT.

HEY, FRANKLIN.

HELLO, MY LOVE.

DON'T YOU LOOK PRETTY IN YOUR DRESS, KADY?

THAT'S REALLY CUTE.

IT DOESN'T MAKE ME LOOK FAT, DOES IT?

WELL, ROSEBUD, IN MY EYES,

YOU'RE ALWAYS THE PARADIGM OF PERFECTION.

BUT THAT DRESS DOES MAKE YOU SEEM A TRIFLE ELEPHANTINE.

[ CRIES ]

WHAT DID I SAY?

WHAT DID YOU SAY? WHAT DID YOU SAY, FRANKLIN?

EVEN I'M NOT THAT DUMB.

WHEN VANESSA WAS REALLY FAT, I NEVER TOLD HER SO.

YOU THOUGHT I WAS FAT?

WELL, GOD, EVERYBODY SAW THAT.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

THAT WAS... WHOO!

THAT SCARED ME.

GLAD IT CAME OFF.

THAT WASN'T FAT.

THAT WAS THE MASSIVE HEAD OF YOUR CHILD

THAT DISTORTED MY BODY AND MADE ME LOOK

LIKE I WAS STANDING IN FRONT OF A FUN-HOUSE MIRROR!

OH, OH, BABY, I'M SORRY.

YOU WASN'T FAT.

I'M SORRY!

WHY DID YOU SAY THAT TO KADY?

WELL, RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED

ON LOVE AND HONEST, OPEN COMMUNICATION.

SHE ASKED ME A QUESTION, AND I ANSWERED HER TRUTHFULLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT... YOU MAY BE A GENIUS,

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WOMEN.

SEE, THEY CAN NEVER BE SKINNY ENOUGH.

WELL, HOW DO YOU PROPOSE I RECTIFY THE SITUATION?

YOU GO UP THERE AND YOU LIE LIKE A DOG.

AND THAT IS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE ANYTHING NAMED AFTER YOU,

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE YOU A HALL OF A LOT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, BROTHER.

I KNOW WHEN MY JOKE BOMBS.

KADY, I'M SORRY. PLEASE COME OUT AND TALK TO ME.

I CAN'T. MY BUTT WON'T FIT THROUGH THE DOOR.

HONEY, I WAS KIDDING. YOU'RE A SYLPH.

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? ARE YOU CALLING ME A FAT ELF?

NO, A SYLPH MEANS A SLIM AND GRACEFUL WOMAN.

HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT MAKING THAT UP?

BECAUSE, MY LOVE, I CANNOT LIE.

OH, SO YOU DO THINK I'M FAT.

NO.

YOU'RE NOT FAT, BUT THAT DRESS JUST DOESN'T DO YOU JUSTICE.

REALLY?

YES, I MUCH PREFER YOU IN THAT PINK SUN DRESS...

THE ONE THAT MAKES YOUR EYES SPARKLE,

THE ONE THAT SHOWS OFF YOUR SVELTE SILHOUETTE,

THE ONE THAT MAKES MY HEART SKIP A BEAT,

THE ONE THAT MAKES MY...

YOU MEAN THIS ONE?

YEP, YEP, THAT'S THE ONE.

YOU CALL ME FAT AGAIN,

AND I'LL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY PERMANENTLY.

YOU GOT IT?

NOW. LET'S GO.

[ SIGHS ]

IS HER EYE BLACK?

NO, IT'S NOT BLACK.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE A REDDY KIND OF YELLOWY,

BLUISHY KIND OF UGLY,

ROCKY BALBOEY KIND OF...

PUS-Y, UH...

NOT ATTRACTIVE-Y KIND OF THING.

IT WILL BE FINE, THOUGH.

JUNIOR, DID YOU GET THE KEYS BACK?

YES, HERE YOU GO, DAD. WHOA. HA HA.

WHOA. NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON'T.

THINK FAST.

NOW, BOY, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GO AND DO THAT?

WELL, I WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU, DADDY!

ALL RIGHT, NOBODY TOUCH ANYTHING.

LET ME GET THE KEYS OUT OF THE DISPOSAL.

OKAY, I'LL GET THE LIGHTS.

HEY, OW!

UH-OH.

BOY, OH...

[ SIGHS ]

YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS ME AGAIN?

THERE GOES THE CAR KEYS.

WE CAN CALL A CAB.

WE CAN'T CALL A CAB. WE HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, IN SOME SORT OF WEIRD WAY,

I FEEL LIKE THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS MY FAULT.

[ LAUGHS ] NO, IT'S NOT.

COME ON. WE'LL TAKE MY CAR.

HA HA. I'M CRAZY.

Jay: READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!

OKAY, LOOK. HERE SHE COMES. LET'S BE SUPPORTIVE.

DON'T LOOK HER IN THE EYE.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LOOK AT THE FACE, ALL RIGHT?

WE'LL JUST SMILE A LOT, JUST SMILE AND ENCOURAGE.

HEY, BABY.

HEY.

WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?

[ NERVOUS LAUGHTER ]

Michael: BOY, YOU KNOW,

MY, MY, MY.

YOU LOOK... YOU LOOK HERE,

LIKE YOU'RE HERE.

OKAY.

INCREDIBLE. SHE LOOKS INCREDIBLE.

SO YOU CAN'T SEE WHERE THE SKIN PEELED OFF MY FACE?

WHERE?

WELL, A COUPLE OF PLACES.

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

SEE, THAT'S IT. HE SPEAKS FOR ALL OF US.

YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT MY BLACK EYE? DO YOU SEE THE BLACK EYE?

BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE MAKEUP.

WHAT BLACK EYE?

NO... WELL, A LITTLE BIT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAYS?

IT SAYS, "I FOUGHT TO GET WHERE I'M AT."

YEAH, YOU JUST, "HEY, GET BACK, JACK."

SO I DON'T LOOK HORRIBLE, GUYS, SERIOUSLY?

HOW COULD YOU LOOK HORRIBLE WITH A BLACK EYE AND YOUR...

YOU SAID I DIDN'T HAVE A BLACK EYE.

NO, YOU HAVE A, UM, A, UH,

A BLACK KIND OF FOCUSED LOOK IN YOUR EYE.

YEAH, IT'S SAYING, "STAY AWAY FROM ME, JACK."

"I'M A TOUGH COOKIE."

I LIKE THAT. I LIKE THAT.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S GET THE CAP AND GOWN AND GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH.

AND WOULD YOU STOP IT?

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

ALL RIGHT, KIDS, LET'S GO!

AND BABY, I MUST SAY...

YOUR HAIR LOOKS GREAT.

THANK YOU, BABY,

'CAUSE THAT'S THE ONE THING THAT I'M REALLY PROUD OF.

THANK YOU.

OH, WAIT, DID YOU FORGOT SOMETHING?

HERE. COME ON, LET'S GO.

BUT...

Man: ...SUSAN M. FRANK...

IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU BETTER GET A DAMN TOP FOR THAT CAR, JUNIOR.

YEAH, AND MAYBE A WINDSHIELD WOULD HELP, TOO.

LOOK AT ME. I LOOK LIKE TINA TURNER.

YEAH, RIGHT AFTER IKE GOT THROUGH WITH HER.

BOY, YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

AND LOOK AT MY CAP AND GOWN.

IT LOOKS LIKE KADY SHOULD BE WEARING THIS.

I WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT WEARING THAT.

BUT IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.

[ Sobbing ] I HEARD YOU. I HEARD YOU.

HEY, DON'T CRY. DON'T CRY.

LOOK, IF YOU KEEP CRYING,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A MUDSLIDE ON YOUR FACE.

I CAN'T DO THIS, MICHAEL. KIDS, GO INSIDE.

I CAN'T DO THIS, MICHAEL.

HEY, HEY. LISTEN... WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T DO THIS?

LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY HAIR, MY MAKEUP, MY FACE.

I'M THE UGLIEST WOMAN IN FRANKLIN ALOYSIUS MUMFORD HALL.

SO WHAT?

I MEAN, SO...

WHAT I'M SAYING IS,

WITH YOUR BLACK EYE AND YOUR ZOMBIE FACE

AND YOUR HAND-GRENADE HAIRSTYLE,

YOU ARE STILL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

I'VE EVER LAID EYES ON.

REALLY? YES.

YOU GOTTA GO IN THERE, JAY.

I MEAN, YOU EARNED THIS DAY.

THIS IS YOUR BRASS RING.

YOU GOTTA GO UP THERE AND GRAB IT.

OH, MICHAEL.

Man: ...JANET MARIE KYLE...

I LOVE YOU.

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO, GOT TO DO WITH IT?

JANET MARIE KYLE.

GET OUT OF MY WAY.

OH!

I BROKE MY SHOE.

HEY, THERE SHE GOES.

SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL, HUH? HEY, THAT'S MY WIFE.

SORRY.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. EXCUSE ME.

I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE SPEECHES,

BUT THERE'S JUST ONE THING I NEED TO SAY, OKAY?

HI.

YOU KNOW...

I'M JUST ONE OR TWO YEARS OLDER THAN MOST OF YOU GRADUATES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, IT'S TRUE. NO, IT'S REALLY... THAT'S FUNNY.

AND, UH...

THIS EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR ME.

IT'S CHANGED MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER.

YOU KNOW, GOING BACK TO SCHOOL...

[ Sobbing ] WHEN YOU HAVE A HUSBAND AND KIDS...

I SAID I WASN'T GONNA DO THIS.

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL WHEN YOU HAVE A HUSBAND AND KIDS...

MIGHT SEEM IMPOSSIBLE,

UNLESS YOU HAVE MY HUSBAND AND KIDS.

I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

WE LOVE YOU, TOO.

NO, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU MORE.

NO, I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL.

I LOVE YOU THIS MANYS.

I SAID, "I LOVE YOU"! OKAY?!

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

BABY, THIS DEGREE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL

THAN ANY PAINTING IN THE WORLD.

MICHAEL, I JUST WANTED TO SAY

I AM REALLY GLAD THAT YOU MADE ME GO UP THERE.

AND I'M SORRY THAT I DOUBTED YOUR MOTIVES.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I KNOW YOU WERE UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.

I WAS... I'LL PROBABLY NEVER BE ABLE

TO LOOK AT MY GRADUATION PICTURES, THOUGH.

WELL, YOU WON'T HAVE TO.

FRANKLIN SAID WHEN THE CAMERA TRIED TO FOCUS ON YOU,

THE LENS CRACKED.

SHUT UP.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS, CONGRATULATIONS.

AND I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

YOU KNOW, BABY, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE WAY I ACTED,

YOU KNOW, WHILE YOU WERE IN SCHOOL.

IF I HAD IT TO DO OVER AGAIN,

I WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE SUPPORTIVE.

I'D BE YOUR STRENGTH, YOUR ROCK.

I'D BE THE WIND BENEATH YOUR WINGS.

I'D BE THE LIGHT THAT GUIDED YOUR FOOTSTEP,

LIKE IN THE "BILLIE JEAN" VIDEO.

I'D BE THE HORSE THAT TOOK YOU

FROM CLASS TO CLASS LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW?

"HYAH, HYAH, HYAH, GO.

GO TO CLASS. HYAH, HYAH."

I AM SO GLAD YOU FEEL THAT WAY

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GRADUATE SCHOOL.

WAIT... I WAS JUST...

YOU GO TO HER AND YOU LIE LIKE A DOG.

THAT'S WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE ANYTHING NAMED AFTER YOU,

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE YOU A HALL OF A LOT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, BROTHER.

I KNOW WHEN I'M DOPE...

YOU GO UP THERE AND YOU LIE LIKE A DOG.

AND THAT'S WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE ANYTHING NAMED AFTER YOU,

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE YOU A HALL OF A LOT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, BROTHER.

I KNOW WHEN I'M BOMB... OH!