Original subtitles

LAST TIME ON "MY WIFE AND KIDS"...

I SIGNED US UP TO SPEND THE DAY AT THE MAGIC ISLAND.

Jimmy: MICHAEL!

MIKE! MICHAEL!

JIMMY, WE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!

WE WANT TO BE ALONE!

HEY, FRANKLIN, THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE YOU.

OH, MY GOODNESS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT PHONY IS HERE.

MOM, DAD, I WANT TO GET A DIVORCE.

MMM.

THIS IS GOOD. IT TASTES JUST LIKE CANDY.

I THINK THAT THERE'S ALCOHOL IN THOSE, CLAIRE.

YOU BETTER TAKE IT EASY.

YOO-HOO! I'LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE, PLEASE.

JUST BECAUSE WE'RE STUCK ON AN ISLAND

WITH NO FOOD AND NO SHELTER...

[CRYING] AND NO HELP IN SIGHT...

OH, MY GOD.

GOD, WE'RE GONNA DIE!

AAH! AAH!

MICHAEL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO

IF THIS BOAT DOESN'T COME BACK TO PICK US UP?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT HAPPENED ON LOST?

OH, WELL, THE PLANE CRASHED

AND ALL THE PRETTY PEOPLE LIVE EXCEPT FOR THE FAT GUY.

OK, WE PRETTY. WE GOT THAT.

AND THEN THE INVISIBLE MONSTER COMES,

KILLS THE PILOT, LEAVES HIM UP IN A TREE,

THEY FIND THE LITTLE BOY'S DOG.

AND THEN THE POLAR BEAR COMES OUT FROM THE JUNGLE

AND THEY SHOOT IT.

WAIT, HOLD ON. POLAR BEAR?

I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A TROPICAL ISLAND.

THE BEAR IS LOST, TOO, MICHAEL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT. I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

THEY'RE NOT COMING BACK. THIS IS A SCAM, JAY.

THEY GET YOU TO PAY FOR A ROUND-TRIP TICKET,

THEN THEY BRING YOU HERE AND THEY LEAVE YOU HERE TO DIE,

AND THEY DON'T COME BACK SO THEY CAN SAVE MONEY ON GAS.

YOU ARE NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW. YOU'RE REALLY NOT.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU.

ALL WE GOT TO DO IS MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT.

IF WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT, WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

HOW THE HELL WE GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT?!

I DON'T KNOW! BUT THAT'S WHAT WE GOT TO DO.

WE HAVE NO SHELTER. WE HAVE NO FOOD.

WE ARE ALL ALONE HERE, MICHAEL.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY WE'RE ARGUING.

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

I'M SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW, I CAN SMELL FOOD.

ME, TOO.

HEY, LOOK.

IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?

IT COULDN'T BE.

IT LOOKS LIKE... DON'T IT LOOK LIKE?

I THINK... JIMMY!

WHOO-HOO! JIMMY! JIMBO!

AAH! HA HA!

MAN, IT'S GOOD TO...

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

WH-WHAT?

I DON'T BELIEVE I KNOW YOU PEOPLE.

OH, COME ON!

IT'S US... JAY AND MICHAEL.

REMEMBER?

MICHAEL, JAY. REMEMBER?

UH, IT DOES NOT RING A BELL, SORRY.

OH, I USED TO KNOW A MICHAEL AND JAY,

BUT THEY REJECTED ME SO BADLY

THAT I BLOCKED THEM OUT OF MY MEMORY.

OH, YEAH... THEY'RE THE IMPETUS FOR MY EXILE.

THAT'S WHY I CAME TO THIS DESERTED ISLAND.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'M GONNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE

DOING PRATFALLS FOR YOU PEOPLE?

WHAT AM I, YOUR CLOWN?

COME ON, JIMMY, WE'RE REALLY SORRY ABOUT...

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUMP THE BRAKES

ON THAT OLD "COME ON" STUFF.

IT'S A LITTLE LATE IN THE GAME THERE.

YOU CAN'T UNRING A BELL.

THAT DAMAGE HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE.

THAT BOAT HAS SAILED OUT THE HARBOR.

I DON'T NEED ANYONE ELSE.

I GOT MY FRIENDS NOW, WILSON AND SPALDING.

ALL A MAN REALLY NEEDS ARE HIS BALLS.

HEY, THESE SHRIMPS SMELL...

HEY, WHOA, WHOA! WHAT YOU DOIN'? WHAT YOU DOIN'?

I'M JUST GETTIN' SOME...

OH, NO, MY BROTHER.

YOU WANT SOME SHRIMP, YOU GOT TO GET YOUR OWN, OK?

OK, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHERE'D YOU GET YOURS FROM, THEN, JIMMY?

OH, THEY'RE OUT THERE. IN THE OCEAN?!

YEP, THEY WERE KICKIN' IT RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE SHARKS.

JIMMY, COME ON. DON'T DO...

OH, THEY'RE GOOD.

I'LL KISS YOU ON YOUR MOUTH AND I'LL TAKE ONE!

JIMMY...

NOW I'M GONNA DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND, OK?

EVERYTHING ON YOUR SIDE IS NO JIMMY.

EVERYTHING ON MY SIDE IS ALL JIMMY ALL THE TIME.

NO JIMMY!

JIMMY, JIMMY, JIMMY, JIMMY, JIMMY, JIMMY.

YOU GOT THAT?!

WHOA, RED LIGHT.

HA, WHAT'S THAT THERE? IS THAT A JIMMY FOOT?

WELL, LET'S CHECK WITH THE JUDGES.

LEFT FOOT, RIGHT FOOT, WRONG FOOT.

SO THAT MUST BE SHARK BAIT!

OW! HEY, HEY! HEY, MAN, WHAT YOU...

HEY, HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY! WHOA, WHOA!

GET YOUR HUSBAND. GET WITH YOUR MAN.

JIMMY!

LOOK, JIMMY, WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT SURVIVING ON A DESERTED ISLAND.

YOU KNOW, YOU PEOPLE WERE SO ANXIOUS

TO KICK JIMMY TO THE CURB.

YOU NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO ASK YOURSELF,

"HEY, I WONDER WHAT JIMMY DOES FOR A LIVING."

WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK HIM THAT?

BECAUSE HE'S YOUR FRIEND.

YOU SHOULD'VE ASKED HIM.

GO AHEAD. ASK ME NOW.

GO ON, ASK ME!

Together: OK, JIMMY, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

I'M A SURVIVALIST!

I TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO SURVIVE ON DESERTED ISLANDS.

THAT'S WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING.

YOU SHOULD KNOW HE TEACHES PEOPLE HOW TO... YOU SHOULD...

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE JIMMY GALILEE,

YOU HAVE TO BE A SURVIVALIST,

'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS ALONE,

REJECTED, A LOSER, A PARIAH!

BUT NOW I CAN FINALLY TAKE THOSE LIFE SKILLS

AND PUT THEM TO WORK.

HELL, I CAN BUILD A CAPPUCCINO MACHINE

OUT OF A PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD AND A PALM FROND.

WELL, WHERE WOULD YOU GET BEANS?

I HARVEST THEM BEHIND MY HOUSE.

HE GOT A HOUSE HERE?

I HAD 3 HOURS TO KILL AND I NEEDED SOMEPLACE

TO STAY WHILE I WAS BUILDING MY RAFT.

YOU BUILT A RAFT? A RAFT?!

YEAH, I BUILT A RAFT.

IN 3 HOURS, THIS WHOLE ISLAND'S GONNA BE UNDERWATER.

YEP. UNDERWATER?

MICHAEL, THAT'S WHY THIS ISLAND APPEARS EVERY MORNING...

BECAUSE IT DISAPPEARS EVERY NIGHT.

OH, MY GOD. JIMMY...

OH, NO. OH, NO.

HEY, WATCH IT. WATCH IT. WATCH IT. WATCH IT.

BUON GIORNO, SIGNORINA.

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

SI. YOU ARE BELLISSIMA.

KNOCK IT OFF, FRANKLIN.

THAT'S THE WORST ITALIAN ACCENT I'VE EVER HEARD.

I THINK-A YOU'VE GOT-A ME CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE ELSE-A.

MY NAME IS NOT-A FRANKLIN.

MY NAME IS FRANCESCO MUMFORDI.

OHH, YOU'RE THE DOPPELGANGER.

NO CAPISCI!

BUT... IT DOES NOT MATTER.

YOU ARE DELIGHTFUL.

YOU ARE EXACTLY THE KIND OF LITTLE PEPPER POT

THAT MAKES-A MY BLOOD BOIL!

PLEASE, ACCEPT A TICKET TO MY SEMINAR.

OK.

DO YOU MIND IF I BRING A FRIEND?

IS SHE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU?

IT'S NOT A SHE. IT'S A HE.

AND HIS NAME IS FRANKLIN MUMFORD.

[ GASPS ] THE IMPOSTER?! VERY WELL.

BRING HIM, AND I'LL EXPOSE HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL

FOR THE FRAUD HE IS.

HE SAYS YOU'RE THE FRAUD AND THAT YOU STOLE HIS IDEAS.

THE ONLY THING I WANT TO STEAL FROM HIM

IS YOU.

OH, MAMA MIA!

YOU FEISTY LITTLE WILDCAT.

RAWR! DO MY OTHER CHEEK.

COME BACK, YOU SPICY LITTLE MEATBALL.

WHAT'S THIS STUFF CALLED?

CONCH.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S LIKE AN EDIBLE MARINE MOLLUSK.

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE A CLAM OR AN OYSTER OR A MUSSEL.

ME, TOO. I LOVE MUSSELS.

OK. THEN YOU'LL LOVE CONCH.

TAKE A BITE.

MMM! MM!

THIS IS DELICIOUS. MMM!

YOU KNOW, DAVE, IF YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD ME YESTERDAY

THAT I'D BE EATING CONCH TODAY, I'D HAVE SAID NO WAY.

NOT JUNIOR. JUNIOR DON'T EAT CONCH.

WELL, HEY, MY MOTTO IS: DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRIED IT.

YEAH. MMM.

DO YOU HAVE SUN BLOCK ON YOUR HEAD?

NO.

OH, LORD. LET ME HELP YOU OUT HERE.

THE SUN HERE IS EXTREMELY INTENSE.

YOU CAN GET BURNED EVEN ON A CLOUDY DAY.

WOW.

YOU SHOULD HAVE A HAT OR HAVE SOME OF THIS ON EVERY DAY.

WOW, YOU GOT A BIG HEAD.

YEAH, I KNOW. IT'S HARD TO FIND HATS THAT FIT ME.

THERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

NOW YOU'RE PROTECTED.

YOU'RE A GREAT GUY.

THANKS.

SURE. MORE CONCH?

MMM! YES.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE STUFF I'VE BEEN MISSING

SINCE I GOT MARRIED... JUST HANGING OUT WITH THE BUDDIES.

SURE, I KNOW.

MM-HMM. PLAYING BALL.

MM-HMM. WRESTLING.

MM-HMM. HORSING AROUND.

GUY STUFF! GETTIN' SWEATY.

YES! YES! YEAH.

YEAH. HEY, DAVE.

[LAUGHS] CONCH ME.

[MAKES AIRPLANE SOUND]

AHH. AHH.

HERE COMES THE CONCH.

OPEN UP THE HANGAR.

MMM!

[MUSIC PLAYS]

AAH! CLAIRE LOVES HER SOME LIMBO!

CLAIRE, YOU GOT TO GET DOWN FROM THERE.

COME ON, GET DOWN.

OH, LIGHTEN UP, TONY!

GET UP HERE AND LIMBO WITH ME!

HA! EVERYBODY, LET'S LIMBO!

COME ON, CLAIRE.

WHOO-HOO. WATCH OUT!

OH! [ LAUGHS ]

HEY, STOP LOOKING!

YEAH, YOU WITH THE NICE BUTT, STOP LOOKING.

SHUT UP, TONY.

CLAIRE, THEY CAN SEE YOUR STUFF.

GITCHIE GITCHIE GOO.

CLAIRE, YOUR FOOT.

CLAIRE, GET YOUR FOOT OUT OF MY FACE, PLEASE.

MORE BAHAMA MAMAS FOR A BAD MAMMA JAMMA.

WHOO! COME ON, GUYS!

WHOO!

COME ON, BABY.

AT LEAST YOU DRIED OFF.

I KNOW.

BUT I GOT ALL THIS SAND IN EVERY CRACK AND CREVICE.

I FEEL LIKE AN HOURGLASS.

IF YOU TURN ME UPSIDE DOWN AND LOOK IN MY BEHIND, YOU CAN TELL THE TIME.

LOOK, BABY, THE TIDE'S GETTING HIGHER.

I KNOW.

YOU KNOW, MICHAEL, I THINK THIS IS A GOOD TIME

TO BEG JIMMY'S FORGIVENESS.

HE'S NOT GONNA FORGIVE US, JAY.

THE MAN CAN'T STAND US.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU HATE THEM...

THEY HATE YOU BACK.

WELL, YOU KNOW, MICHAEL,

I KNOW YOU KNOW HIM BETTER THAN I DO,

BUT HE SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY REASONABLE GUY.

I DON'T KNOW, BUT...

I DOUBT IF HE'S JUST GONNA LEAVE US HERE TO DIE.

Jimmy: SEE YOU LATER!

HEY, I'LL MEET YOU GUYS IN HEAVEN.

TELL TUPAC I LOVE HIS NEW ALBUM.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. I'LL TAKE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GONNA SPEAR HIM RIGHT BACK

AND PULL HIM BACK TO SHORE.

NO, MICHAEL.

YOU KNOW, IF I'M GOING, I'M TAKING HIM WITH ME.

YOU'RE RIGHT. GET HIM.

[ CHANTING AND GRUNTING ]

COME ON, BABY. GET HIM.

GET HIM!

YOU MISSED ME.

I THINK YOU CAUGHT SOMETHING.

SOMETHING BIG.

UH-OH. OH.

NO! MICHAEL!

[BELLS TINKLING]

♪ IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MORNIN' ♪

♪ AHHH ♪

♪ I THINK I'LL GO OUTSIDE FOR A WHILE ♪

♪ AND JUST SMILE ♪

♪ JUST TAKE IN SOME CLEAN, FRESH AIR, BOY! ♪

♪ AIN'T NO SENSE IN STAYING INSIDE ♪

♪ IF THE WEATHER'S FINE AND YOU GOT THE TIME ♪

♪ IT'S YOUR CHANCE TO WAKE UP AND PLAN ♪

♪ ANOTHER BRAND-NEW DAY ♪

♪ EITHER WAY, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MORNIN' ♪

♪ AHHH ♪

♪ EACH BIRD KEEPS SINGIN' HIS OWN SONG ♪

♪ SO LONG ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO BE ON MY WAY NOW ♪

♪ AIN'T NO FUN JUST HANGIN' AROUND ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO COVER GROUND, YOU COULDN'T KEEP ME DOWN ♪

♪ IT JUST AIN'T NO GOOD IF THE SUN SHINES ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE STILL INSIDE ♪

♪ SHOULDN'T HIDE ♪

♪ STILL INSIDE ♪

♪ SHOULDN'T HIDE ♪

♪ STILL INSIDE, SHOULDN'T HIDE ♪

♪ OH OH OH OH ♪

♪ OOOHH ♪

♪ AHH-AHH ♪

♪ OOOHH ♪

♪ AHH-AHH ♪

LONG DAY.

WELL, DID YOU ENJOY YOUR TIME AWAY FROM RESPONSIBILITY?

I SURE DID. THIS IS MY NEW BUDDY DAVE.

DAVE, THIS IS VANESSA, AND IN THE BASSINET IS JUNIOR JR.

WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO? HEY.

I'VE BEEN SITTING BY MYSELF

WATCHING THESE GORGEOUS GUYS PLAY WATER POLO.

OH, HEY, FELLAS.

YOU KNOW THEM?

YEAH, I'M PART OF THE GROUP.

WHAT'S THE GROUP?

IT'S A WATER POLO TROUPE, FROM SAN FRANCISCO...

WE'RE CALLED "OUT OF THE CLOSET AND INTO THE POOL." GET IT?

OUT OF THE CLOSET AND INTO THE POOL FROM SAN FRANCISCO?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

BUFF GUY, LITTLE TRUNKS, WATER POLO.

YOU'RE A SWIMMER.

NO, JUNIOR. HE'S GAY.

YOU'RE GAY?!

YEAH. DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?

NO, NO. YOU KNOW, NOT AT ALL. NOT AT ALL.

I'M FINE WITH THAT.

HEY, WE DID HAVE A GOOD TIME, RIGHT?

WE HAD A GREAT TIME, YEAH.

I INTRODUCED YOUR HUSBAND HERE TO CONCH.

OH, YOU DID?

YEAH, CONCH IS DELICIOUS.

I GOT TO HIT THE POOL.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, JUNIOR, YOU WANT TO PLAY FOR MY TEAM?

NAH, DAVE, I'M ALL CONKED OUT.

HA HA HA! SO I'M GONNA GO AHEAD

AND STAY WITH THE WIFE AND THE KID AND...

YOU GO HIT THE POOL.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

OH, OK. SEE YOU.

DON'T EVER LET ME GO OUT BY MYSELF AGAIN.

I WAS SELFISH, AND I'M SORRY.

THAT'S SWEET, JUNIOR, BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT

THAT YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT ME AND THE BABY FIRST.

YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER.

I'M TRYING, VANESSA, BUT THIS IS ALL NEW TO ME.

IT'S NEW TO ME, TOO. BUT I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

OK, WHY DON'T WE BOTH AGREE TO TRY HARDER?

IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH?

NO, IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

BUT IT'LL DO FOR NOW.

COME HERE, CHICHI. COME HERE.

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

HOW ABOUT YOU LEAVE JUNIOR JR. HERE WITH ME

WHILE YOU GO TO THE SPA, MAKE YOURSELF ALL BEAUTIFUL,

AND TONIGHT MY PARENTS WILL WATCH HIM

AND WE'LL HAVE A ROMANTIC EVENING.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

BESIDES, I HAVEN'T SPENT MUCH TIME WITH HIM ON THIS TRIP.

WHO KNOWS WHAT I'VE MISSED?

WELL, YOU DID MISS A PRETTY IMPRESSIVE LOAD

ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR AGO.

HE'S EMPTY? TOTALLY.

PERFECT TIMING. GO ENJOY YOURSELF.

OH, AND DO ME A FAVOR...

STAY OUT OF THE POOL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AHH...

HEY THERE, MAN. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

DADA.

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

DADA!

HEY, DAVE.

YOO-HOO!

DAVE, HE SAID "DADA."

MICHAEL, THE WATER'S GETTING CLOSER.

I SEE. THIS LOOKS LIKE IT'S IT.

YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS?

YEAH.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER AGAIN,

I WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED SO HARD.

I'D SELL THE BUSINESS

AND SPEND ALL MY TIME WITH YOU AND THE KIDS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY?

I WANT TO JUST...

BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW?

THIS IS THE LAST MOMENTS OF OUR LIFE.

IF THERE'S, LIKE, ANYTHING...

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME THAT YOU WANT TO TELL ME

OR I WANT TO TELL YOU, JUST GET IT OFF OUR CHESTS.

WE SHOULD GO OUT WITH A CLEAN SLATE.

[SIGHS] OK.

UM...

OK.

I DIDN'T LIKE THE GREEN JACKET

YOU BOUGHT ME FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

I BOUGHT THAT BECAUSE IT MATCHES YOUR EYES.

DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY BE HONEST?

I KNOW, BUT IT HAD LITTLE FLECKS OF GREEN. IT MAKES YOUR...

MICHAEL, THAT WAS PUKE GREEN.

THAT WASN'T GREEN. THAT WAS PUKE GREEN. IT WAS BLECCHH!

IT WAS PUKE GREEN, MICHAEL.

OK, I CAN RECEIVE THAT. I'M SORRY.

ALL RIGHT, HERE.

YOU FART IN YOUR SLEEP.

NOT LOUD ONES. THEY JUST GO LIKE THIS. LOOK.

EVERYBODY DOES THAT. SO WHAT, MICHAEL?

AND YOU WONDER WHY I DON'T LIKE TO CUDDLE.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT ONE MORE FOR YOU, BROTHER.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW ALL THOSE TIMES WHEN I WAS SCREAMIN',

WHEN WE'RE MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE?

RIGHT.

IT'S BECAUSE YOUR CLUBFOOT KEEPS TOUCHING ME.

IT'S TOUCHING ME, MICHAEL.

AAH! I DON'T LIKE IT.

I NEVER LIKED IT. I'VE NEVER LIKED IT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? I'D HAVE PUT A SOCK ON.

IT CREEPS ME OUT. IT CREEPS ME OUT!

I WOULD HAVE PUT A SOCK ON IT.

WHAT SOCK? I CAN FEEL IT THROUGH THE SOCK.

IT JUST CREEPS ME OUT.

IT CREEPS ME OUT, MICHAEL.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

ACCEPT AND RECEIVE THAT.

AAH!

YOU SMELL FUNNY.

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LIKE BOLOGNA SOMETIMES.

WHAT?!

UNCOOKED BOLOGNA.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU GO TO PUT IT IN THE PAN...

BUT YOU DON'T? IT JUST BE OVER THE HEAT?

THAT'S YOU. HA HA HA HA!

I'M KIDDING, BABY. I LOVE YOU.

YEAH, YOU BETTER BE KIDDING.

DON'T TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

[ BOAT MOTOR HUMS ]

AHOY!

DID SOMEBODY CALL FOR A RESCUE BOAT?

OH, THANK GOD!

JIMMY! JIMMY!

MAN, I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE ANYONE IN MY LIFE!

Jay: THANK GOD! JIMMY! LET ME GET MY SHOES.

WELL, THINGS HAVE CERTAINLY CHANGED

SINCE THIS MORNING, HAVEN'T THEY?

THAT'S A DIFFERENT TUNE

YOU'RE SINGING NOW THERE, BUSTER BROWN.

THAT'S A HORSE OF A DIFFERENT COLOR.

THE SHOE'S ON THE OTHER FOOT.

THE WORM HAS TURNED.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. I SAID I WAS SORRY, AND I REALLY AM SORRY.

WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, JIMMY?

I GOT BACK TO THE MAINLAND AND I CALLED MY SHRINK.

I TOLD HIM I LEFT YOU GUYS OUT HERE TO DIE, AND GET THIS...

HE SAID IT WAS WRONG, RIGHT?

NO. HE SAID YOU DESERVED IT.

HE DID?

I DON'T PAY HIM $200 AN HOUR

TO TELL ME STUFF I DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

NOW, THAT WOULD REALLY BE CRAZY.

SO THEN WHY'D YOU COME BACK?

YOUR WIFE.

OH, SO HE SAID IT WAS WRONG TO KILL JAY?

NO, HE SAID IT WAS WRONG TO LEAVE HER ON A DESERTED ISLAND

WITH A MISERABLE FOOL LIKE YOU.

OH, THAT IS SO TRUE, JIMMY. THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK.

OK, WELL, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

WELL, LOOK, JAY, LET'S GET IN THE BOAT.

MIKE, I THINK YOU LEFT YOUR CELL PHONE BACK THERE, BUDDY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'LL GET MY CELL PHONE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

SAVE A SEAT FOR MIKEY. HA HA!

HERE IT GOES.

HA HA.

WHOOP. GOT IT.

HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?

GUYS!

MICHAEL, TIE THIS ROPE AROUND YOUR WAIST FOR SAFETY!

WELL, WHY CAN'T I JUST GET IN THE BOAT WITH YOU GUYS?

I WANT TO BE IN THE BOAT WITH YOU GUYS.

THERE YOU GO... SAFELY.

KNOT IT.

GRANNY KNOT.

YOU WANT THE GRANNY KNOT?

VERY GOOD.

NOW I'M GONNA PULL YOU OUT TO THE BOAT.

OK.

WE'LL BE BACK IN ATLANTIS, PARADISE ISLAND, IN 20 MINUTES.

HOLD ON.

I'D RATHER REALLY BE IN THE BOAT,

BECAUSE THIS FEELS KIND OF AWK... WHOA!

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL!

SO CLEARLY, CONSCIOUSNESS IS A VIRUS.

I WILL NOW EXPLAIN HOW MANKIND HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH IT.

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.

HE'S JUST MIMICKING MY WORK IN MORE POPULAR IDIOM.

HUH?

HE'S DUMBING IT DOWN.

HE'S KENNY G, AND I'M COLTRANE.

LET ME PUT THIS IN TERMS YOU MIGHT UNDERSTAND.

HE'S BRITNEY SPEARS, AND I'M MADONNA.

OH, YOU MEAN HE'S RIPPING YOU OFF.

THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY. GOSH.

A SHRIMP WITH A HAMMER

PASSED CONSCIOUSNESS TO A MAN THROUGH SOUP.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! SOUP?

WOULDN'T MAKING SOUP BE A SIGN OF CONSCIOUSNESS?

NOT TO MENTION A HAMMER, YOU IDIOT.

AH, MUMFORD.

MUMFORDI.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

IT WAS AN INADVERTENT SOUP, YOU NITWIT.

AND THE SHRIMP'S "HAMMER" WAS THE PRODUCT OF EVOLUTION.

HA! HOW DERIVATIVE.

THAT'S BASED ON MY WRENCH-LOBSTER THEORY,

WHICH I CAME UP WITH IN 1999.

I LAUGH ON YOUR LAPEL. HA!

BUT YOU DO AGREE

THAT CONSCIOUSNESS IS A VIRUS, DON'T YOU?

AGREE? IT WAS MY ORIGINAL THEORY.

PROVE IT.

I WILL, SIR. IN COURT.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, YOU'RE UGLY.

IF I AM UGLY, THEN WHAT ARE YOU?

WE LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE.

WELL, YOU WON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE ME

WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU,

'CAUSE I'M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FACE.

HA. I'D LIKE-A TO SEE YOU TRY.

COME ON. LET'S DANCE, PIZZA FACE.

BRING IT ON, HAMBURGER BOY.

WHAA.

SO, CLAIRE, WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER BAHAMA MAMA?

OH, I'LL NEVER DRINK AGAIN. OHH.

YOU DID GOOD, FRANKLIN. YOU TAUGHT HIM A LESSON.

THANKS. THE OLD FRONTAL WEDGIE ALWAYS WORKS.

HEY, CLAIRE, IF YOU'RE DONE WITH THAT ICE PACK,

CAN I HAVE IT? THANKS.

DADA. DADA.

OK, I GET IT. DADA. DADA.

I SPENT ALL THAT TIME WITH HIM

AND THE FIRST WORD HE SAYS IS "DADA."

SORRY.

I KNOW WHY...

IT'S 'CAUSE HE KEPT HEARING ME COMPLAIN ABOUT DADA.

"DADA'S ON THE WATERSLIDE. DADA'S BUSY.

DADA'S WITH HIS NEW GAY FRIEND."

[CRYING]

BABY, ALL OF THE DRAMA'S BEHIND US.

I HAVEN'T SEEN JIMMY ALL DAY.

MAYBE WE CAN FINALLY RELAX.

[ LAUGHS ]