Original subtitles

[ HUMMING ]

HEY, SEXY.

SHH, MICHAEL.

WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRAY NO MORE.

THE ANSWER IS HERE.

SHH!

I GOT TO BE QUIET BECAUSE JAY'S MEDITATING.

CAN YOU DO IT LIKE THIS?

MICHAEL, CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS IMPORTANT?

SORRY.

THANK YOU.

STOP IT!!

HOW'D YOU SEE THAT?

MY EYES ARE CLOSED, BUT MY SENSES ARE OPEN.

THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING I SEE OPEN.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU SURE LIKE THIS MEDITATING THING.

BABY, IT'S SO GOOD FOR ME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT?

NOTHING. I CLEAR MY THOUGHTS.

MY MIND IS COMPLETELY BLANK.

SO, JUNIOR HAS BEEN MEDITATING THESE PAST 20 YEARS.

I THOUGHT HE WAS STUPID. HE'S ACTUALLY THE "DUMMY LAMA."

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD TRY IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I REALLY WOULD LOVE TO.

IT'S CHANGED MY LIFE,

AND YOU KNOW THIS WEEKEND IS THE NEXT BIG STEP, RIGHT?

I WISH I COULD GO WITH YOU

ON THAT SILENT MEDITATION RETREAT.

TOO BAD IT'S ALL BOOKED UP.

OH, FUDGE!

OH, MICHAEL.

BABY, I'M GONNA MISS YOU SO MUCH.

OH, BABY. [ SMOOCHES ]

I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, JAY.

I'M GONNA BE WALKING AROUND HERE LIKE A ZOMBIE,

CRYING MY EYES OUT FOR 3 WHOLE DAYS

TILL YOU...

MICHAEL, STOP.

...TILL YOU COME BACK TO ME.

OH, BABY, YOU ARE SO SWEET.

YEAH!

♪ THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE ♪

HOW COME?

BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER IS GOING AWAY FOR 3 WHOLE DAYS,

AND I GET A CHANCE TO DO WHATEVER I WANT.

AND THE BEST PART IS, I'VE GOT HER CONVINCED

THAT I'M ACTUALLY GONNA MISS HER.

AHH, HA HA!

MAMA DUMB. HA HA HA!

HEY. HEY.

MNH-MNH, MNH-MNH.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO.

I'M GONNA PLAY VIDEO GAMES.

I'M GONNA WATCH THE FOOTBALL GAME.

I'M GONNA EAT POTATO CHIPS, DRINK BEER,

TRY TO CRACK THAT CODE YOUR MOTHER PUT ON THE TELEVISION.

68629.

MNH-MNH. MNH-MNH.

68629?

68629, YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BE DOING?

VANESSA GAVE ME A LIST.

I'M GONNA CLEAN THE BREAST PUMP, GO SHOPPING FOR CURTAINS.

LATER ON, SHE'S GONNA TEACH ME HOW TO MACRAME.

BOY, SHE'S GONNA HAVE YOU

PAYING FOR THAT 30 SECONDS OF PLEASURE

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

UNH-UNH. 27 1/2.

HA! CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK!

NO, YOU'RE A CHIP OFF THE MILKMAN'S BLOCK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY, JUST THE BRATS I WANTED TO SEE.

LET'S GO OVER THE PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND, OKAY?

NONE OF YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TALK TO ME

UNLESS YOU ARE ACTUALLY IN FLAMES.

THAT'S FINE WITH ME. ME TOO.

SO, WHAT KIND OF WEEKEND

ARE YOU PLANNING FOR YOURSELF, MR. KYLE?

IT'S GONNA BE ACTION-PACKED WITH A LOT OF KID... STUFF...

STUFF YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU OUGHT TO TRY.

LET ME GUESS...

MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT, BAD EATING HABITS,

AND A TOTAL LACK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE?

EXACTLY. THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU, JUNIOR.

YEAH, AND THIS SOUNDS LIKE YOU... PBHT!

AND THIS SOUNDS LIKE YOU... PBHT!

YOU BOTH SOUND LIKE ME THIS WEEKEND

SITTING ON THAT COUCH.

AND NOBODY IS TO DISTURB ME

BECAUSE THIS IS MICHAEL KYLE'S...

WEEKEND.

[ LAUGHING ]

OH!

THAT'S RIGHT, JIMMY.

THAT'S RIGHT... 8:00 TEE TIME.

WE'RE GONNA EAT SOME BURGERS, DRINK SOME BEER,

THEN PLAY ANOTHER 18 HOLES,

WHICH WILL BRING US UP TO A GRAND TOTAL OF 54 HOLES.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA SEE YOU THERE... MON FRèRE.

DON'T BE SQUARE.

ALL RIGHT. LATER.

MICHAEL, I HAVE GREAT NEWS! YES!

ONE OF THE MEDITATORS DROPPED OUT AT THE LAST MINUTE!

NO! YES!

THEY WERE TRYING TO GIVE THE SPOT TO SOMEBODY ELSE,

SO I CALLED THEM UP.

I SAID, "MY HUSBAND SAID HE WILL BE CRYING HIS EYES OUT

IF HE CAN'T GO."

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

YES, I DID. YES, I DID.

AND GET THIS...

THEY CALLED ME BACK SAYING, "OH, THE MAN MADE A MISTAKE.

HE WANTS HIS SPOT BACK."

BUT I SAID, "OH, NO, NO, NO.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO."

THAT MANY NOES? YES.

AND WHAT DID THEY SAY? BABY, WAIT.

I TOLD THEM THAT YOU WILL BE WALKING AROUND LIKE A ZOMBIE

IF YOU CAN'T GO.

BUT I'M FINE WITH IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO.

I COULD LIVE WITH BEING A ZOMBIE.

NO, I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GO THROUGH THAT.

WHAT DID THEY SAY?

THEY SAID NO.

THEY SAID NO?

PSYCH... THEY SAID YES! AHH, HA HA HA!

THEY SAID YES!

YOU ARE GOING! YOU'RE GOING, BOY!

WHOO!

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I CAN'T GO.

WHY NOT?

OH, FUDGE, FIDDLESTICKS... THE KIDS.

WHO'S GONNA WATCH THE KIDS?

THE KIDS ARE GROWN.

NOT KADY. SHE'S STILL LITTLE.

I GOT TO PUT HER TO SLEEP.

THAT BABY IS GONNA HELP THE OTHER BABY.

SHE'S HELPING OUT VANESSA ALL WEEKEND LONG.

BUT I DON'T HAVE A MEDITATION CUSHION.

OH, SEE, NOW, I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU MINE

SINCE I ALREADY BROKE IT IN WITH ALL OF THIS.

ALL OF THIS, MICHAEL!

YOU FIGURED EVERYTHING OUT.

I SURE DID!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YOU COULD SAY THANK YOU.

THANK... AH-CHOO! OOH!

AH-CHOO!

YOU SPIT ON ME!

AH-CHOO!

MICHAEL, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M STARTING TO FEEL SICK.

NO, REALLY?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. AH, AH...

CHOO!

THIS IS BAD. DO I GOT A FEVER?

NO, I DON'T FEEL NOTHING.

WAIT.

DO I GOT A FEVER?

BUT IF YOU'RE CATCHING SOMETHING,

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT,

BECAUSE THEY KEEP THOSE ROOMS

NICE AND TOASTY AT 117 DEGREES.

YOU'LL SWEAT THAT COLD RIGHT ON OUT!

SO, COME ON... GET READY.

WE ONLY GOT AN HOUR.

[ CRYING ]

HI, I'M... JAY KYLE, I KNOW!

WELCOME TO INNER LIGHT MOUNTAIN RETREAT!

I'LL NEED YOU TO FILL OUT THESE FORMS!

YOU ARE GONNA BE SO HAPPY YOU ARE DOING THIS!

IT HAS HELPED ME SO MUCH! I USED TO BE SO HYPER!

I HAD THIS WEIRD NERVOUS ENERGY

UNTIL I STARTED DOING THESE MEDITATION RETREATS!

I USED TO MAKE PEOPLE SO INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

NOW I'M SO CALM AND PEACEFUL, MY FRIENDS HARDLY RECOGNIZE ME.

NONE OF THEM RECOGNIZE ME... THEY DON'T RECOGNIZE ME AT ALL.

IT'S LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?" YOU GET IT?

YEAH, I GET IT. I GET IT.

WHEN I FIND A PERSON LIKE YOU WITH ENERGY LIKE YOURS,

I LIKE TO ATTACH MYSELF TO THEM

LIKE A BARNACLE TO THE HULL OF A SHIP,

LIKE A TICK TO A FAT DOG.

WE'RE GONNA BE BEST FRIENDS, LIKE THELMA AND LOUISE.

HA HA! GREAT!

I FEEL LIKE DRIVING OFF OF A CLIFF RIGHT NOW.

S-SHE'S FUNNY!

SHE'S FUNNY!

ISN'T SHE, PEOPLE?! SHE'S FUNNY... FUNNY!

OH, MY GOODNESS.

HEY, BABE, I NEED YOU TO HELP ME FILL OUT THESE FORMS.

OKAY, SURE. [ GRUNTS ]

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU BROUGHT SO MUCH STUFF.

WHAT'S IN THERE?

JUST THE ESSENTIALS...

GOT MY VIDEO GAMES, GOT MY MUSIC,

MY TV SO I CAN WATCH FOOTBALL,

SOME MINTS...

'CAUSE 3 DAYS WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED,

YOU GET A LITTLE TART.

MNH-MNH. NO.

MICHAEL, YOU CAN'T HAVE ALL THAT STUFF.

THE PURPOSE OF THIS JOURNEY

IS TO MEDITATE AND GET IN TOUCH WITH SELF.

THAT KILLS A LITTLE TIME, BUT I CAN'T DO IT FOR 3 DAYS.

I'LL BE CHAFED.

WELCOME! I'M BODI.

I'LL BE YOUR RETREAT MANAGER.

HEY, WHAT'S UP, BOOTY? NICE TO MEET YOU.

IT'S BODI. BOOTY.

BODI. BODI.

YES. LIKE BOOTY.

B-BEAUTIFUL, YES. LIKE B-BODI.

WE'LL HAVE ORIENTATION

IN THE MEDITATION HALL IN 30 MINUTES.

BUT FIRST, I'LL TAKE YOU TO YOUR QUARTERS.

OUR QUARTERS.

LET ME HELP YOU WITH YOUR BAGS. OH, NO!

OH! WHAT KIND OF...

I'M AFRAID WE DON'T ALLOW READING MATERIALS HERE.

YOU DON'T READ THIS.

THESE... THESE... THEY'RE VISUAL.

THEY'RE VISUAL AIDS.

STEP BACK. STEP BACK.

I'LL GO AHEAD AND DISPOSE OF THIS.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DISPOSE OF IT MYSELF FOR YEARS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT GOT IN THERE, BABY.

JUNIOR MUST HAVE PACKED MY BAG.

HERE WE GO.

WOW, I SEE WHY YOU SAID "QUARTER."

IT'S ABOUT A QUARTER OF THE SIZE I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE.

HA HA... "QUARTER."

WE'LL ALL BE...

ANYHOO, I THINK WE CAN MAKE IT WORK.

WE'RE LOVERS, HUH, BABY?

SURE. I'M FINE WITH IT.

OH, NO. WE SEPARATE MEN AND WOMEN HERE.

MRS. KYLE WILL BE STAYING ACROSS THE WAY IN BUNGALOW 3.

OH, I WILL?

WAIT A SECOND.

WE'RE NOT STAYING TOGETHER, JACK?

I'M AFRAID NOT, AND IT'S BODI.

YOU CAN'T SEPARATE A HUSBAND FROM A WIFE.

EVEN IN PRISON THEY GIVE YOU CONJUGAL VISITS.

I'M SORRY. RULES ARE RULES.

MICHAEL, IT'S OKAY. I CAN SEE MY BUNGALOW FROM HERE.

IT'S FINE. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING

TO WORK OUT THE SLEEPING ARRANGEMENT.

LOOK AT THAT BOOTY, BODI.

IT'S NICE, BUT NO.

COME ON, MAN, WE'RE GUYS.

I'M A GUY. YOU'RE A GUY.

AHH! [ LAUGHS ]

NO.

I DIDN'T MAKE THIS.

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN SAY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?

WHOOPSIE. LOOKY THERE.

A RICH BIRD MUST HAVE

DROPPED OFF SOMETHING IN THE NEST.

HEY, A $100 DONATION, HUH?

YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.

HEY, LOOK... TWEET, TWEET, TWEET.

THE BIRD CAME BACK. HE JUST...

THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY NICE.

BUT YOU STILL CAN'T SLEEP WITH YOUR WIFE.

HOW MUCH MONEY IS IT GONNA COST ME

TO SLEEP WITH MY WIFE?

THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR WIFE.

AHH!

I'M GONNA NEED MY MAGAZINE BACK,

'CAUSE I NEED CERTAIN IMAGES BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP.

WELCOME TO OUR 3-DAY SILENT MEDITATION RETREAT.

HOLD ON!

HOLD UP.

SORRY I'M LATE.

I HAD TO GATHER A LITTLE EXTRA SITTING GEAR,

'CAUSE I GOT A LOWER-BACK PROBLEM.

EXCUSE ME.

THIS SPACE IS ALREADY TAKEN WITH OUR INTERTWINED AURAS.

BUT I WANT TO SIT NEAR MY WIFE.

I'M SURE YOUR AURA WILL UNDERSTAND.

MICHAEL, YOU'RE BEING DISRUPTIVE.

GO FIND AN EMPTY SPOT.

GO, GO, GO.

WELL, I'VE NEVER...

Bodi: MR. KYLE, PLEASE SETTLE IN.

I WILL, BUT IF EVERYBODY COULD JUST MOVE DOWN,

THEN I COULD GET A LITTLE SPACE GOING

THAT WILL HELP ME BE NEAR THE WOMAN I LOVE.

THERE IT IS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BUILDING A COUCH?

GET OFF ME, MICHAEL.

PILLOW TALK, BABY.

Bodi: BEFORE WE BEGIN,

YOU'RE ASKED TO TAKE FIVE VOWS...

NO SEX, NO STEALING,

NO KILLING OF ANY LIVING CREATURES,

MAINTAIN PERFECT SILENCE UNLESS SPOKEN TO BY ME,

AND ONLY EAT ONE MEAL A DAY.

ONE MEAL A DAY?!

HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE OFF ONE MEAL?

BABY, YOU KNOW I'M HYPERMETABOLISTIC.

SHUT UP!

EXCUSE ME, BONY.

YES, MR. KYLE?

ARE WE GONNA HAVE SNACKS?

NO SNACKS.

GOOD THING I HID THAT BEEF JERKY UNDERNEATH THE COUCH.

I REMOVED THOSE ITEMS.

WE DON'T ALLOW FOOD IN THE RESIDENTIAL QUARTERS.

THEN YOU KNOW YOU BROKE A VOW.

THAT'S A VOW THAT HE JUST BROKE.

HE SAID, "NO STEALING."

♪ WHEN THE VOW BREAKS, SILENCE DOES FALL ♪

♪ AND DOWN WILL COME BEEF JERKY... ♪

I AM GOING TO BREAK YOU IF YOU DON'T STOP IT.

AT THE SOUND OF THE BELL, SILENCE WILL COMMENCE.

WAIT! WHAT NOW, MR. KYLE?

THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY.

WHAT'S THAT?

[ SCATTING ]

SKIDDLY RINKY DEE.

SKIDDLY RINKY DINKY DINK,

I THINK I GOT TO PEE.

JUST TO ADD SOME LEVITY TO THE LEVITATION.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU CAN RING THE BELL.

[ GONG SOUNDS ]

[ KNOCKING ]

CAN I HELP YOU?!

[ IMITATES SNORING ]

MR. KYLE, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF YOUR QUARTERS,

AND THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT BETWEEN...

MR. KYLE...

ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN.

ARE YOU SLEEPWALKING?

MM-HMM.

GOOD, GOOD.

THEN I SUGGEST YOU SLEEPWALK BACK TO YOUR QUARTERS.

[ SNORING CONTINUES ]

NO, MR. KYLE, THAT WAY, THAT WAY.

MR. KYLE, THAT WAY.

THROUGH THERE.

NO. PLEASE.

[ Thinking ] HURRY UP ALREADY.

YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME.

AM I THE ONLY HUNGRY PERSON HERE?

THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY FOOD LEFT

BY THE TIME I GET UP THERE.

[ COIN CLATTERS ]

THIS NO-TALKING THING IS GREAT.

I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, AND HE CAN'T SAY A WORD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, FATTY...

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE, OR DID YOU EAT THAT, TOO?

I GOT TO REMEMBER TO SAY THAT OUT LOUD SOMETIME.

WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

EW! TOFU SCRAMBLE.

I'D RATHER STARVE TO DEATH THAN EAT THAT STUFF.

WAIT A MINUTE. I AM STARVING TO DEATH.

WE ONLY GET ONE MEAL A DAY. I BETTER MAKE THIS COUNT.

[ FLY BUZZING ]

[ ALL GASP ]

WHAT?

WHAT?

YOU VOWED NOT TO KILL ANY LIVING CREATURE!

MURDERER!

KILLER!

HOW COULD YOU?

THAT POOR, INNOCENT FLY.

THAT'S... STRIKE... TWO.

Psst! Psst!

Psst!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Psst! Psst!

PSST!

PSST! PSST!

PSST! PSST!

[ CLUCKS ]

PSST! PSST!

OW!

IF ONLY I HAD

JUST ONE MORE PILLOW.

IF I PULL IT OUT FAST ENOUGH,

IT WILL BE LIKE A MAGICIAN'S TRICK.

SHE WON'T EVEN MISS IT.

MICHAEL, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

YOU HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 2 DAYS

FUSSING AND FIDGETING AND KILLING FLIES

AND JUST BEING A GENERAL PAIN IN THE ASS!

IS THAT WHY YOU CAME... TO DRIVE ME CRAZY, HUH?

DON'T JUST SIT THERE WITH THAT STUPID LOOK ON YOUR FACE!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!

YOU TALKED. [ GASPS ]

OHH!

OH, MY GOD!

YOU MADE ME!

HE MADE ME!

THAT'S IT! STRIKE THREE, MR. KYLE.

I AM AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU BOTH TO LEAVE!

NO!

FINE. WE DON'T CARE.

WE KNOW WHEN WE'RE NOT WANTED, ANYWAY.

DON'T LEAVE!

I'LL PUT SOME 3-DAY-OLD SOCK IN YOUR FACE.

GET OFF MY WIFE.

COME ON. BABY...

HEY, MAN, YOU WANT SOME 3-DAY-OLD SOCK?

MICHAEL?! WHAT?

YOU RUINED THIS FOR ME! ARE YOU HAPPY?!

I DIDN'T WANT TO COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WHAT?!

YOU PRACTICALLY BEGGED ME TO COME HERE!

FOLKS, TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

[ MUTTERING ]

UH, BODI, YOU THINK I CAN HAVE MY MAGAZINE BACK?

THAT'S IT! [ MUTTERING ]

YOU MAIL IT TO ME. MAIL IT TO ME.

STILL WITH THE SILENT TREATMENT?

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

I DIDN'T EXPECT IT TO LAST THIS LONG.

IT'S BEEN OVER A WEEK SINCE WE'VE BEEN BACK.

YOU MISLED ME. YOU DECEIVED ME.

YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO COME WITH ME

BECAUSE YOU MISS ME SO MUCH,

WHEN YOU REALLY WANTED TO STAY HOME AND PLAY WITH YOUR TOYS.

I APOLOGIZED FOR THAT.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

"BABY, I'M SORRY. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

"I APOLOGIZE FOR SPOILING YOUR RETREAT.

I'M A BAD BOY."

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

THERE'S NO REASON TO SHOUT.

I'M NOT SHOUTING!

I JUST WANT A SINCERE APOLOGY.

OKAY, LET ME TALK TO YOU IN A WAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND.

[ SIGHS ]

JANET MARIE KYLE,

I WAS STUPID, I WAS SELFISH, I WAS WRONG,

AND I BEG FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WHICH PART?

AFTER MY NAME.

I WAS STUPID.

I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU THOUGHT.

YOU SEE HOW WELL WE COMMUNICATE, HUH,

WHEN WE DON'T TALK?

I THINK THAT LITTLE WEEKEND WAS GOOD FOR US.

MAYBE.

BABY, LET'S JUST PUT THIS BEHIND US, OKAY?

I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN YOU'RE MAD AT ME.

OKAY, OKAY.

I'M NOT FORGIVING YOU,

BUT I THINK YOU SERVED YOUR TIME.

YOU'RE ON PAROLE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

CAN I GET ONE OF THOSE CONJUGAL VISITS?

YES. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ SMOOCHING ]

Junior: ♪ B-I-N-G-U ♪

♪ B-I-N-G-U ♪

♪ B-I-N-G-U ♪

♪ AND MALCOLM WAS HIS NAME-U ♪

DID HE...

I DIDN'T...

I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THERE WITH HIM.

HA HA HA! THAT'S RIGHT.

8:00 TEE TIME, JIMMY.

THEN WE'LL EAT BURGERS, DRINK BEER,

PLAY ANOTHER 18 HOLES,

WHICH WILL BRING US UP TO 44... 50...

HA HA HA!

HA HA!

OH, JIMMY, YOU'RE CRAZY.

LOOK, MAN, BE THERE.

8:00... TEE TIME, ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE GONNA PLAY 15...

AH, HA HA!