Original subtitles

HEY, BABE.

WELL, WELL, WELL.

LOOK WHO'S HERE. CAN'T BE MY WIFE.

I MEAN, SHE SOUNDS LIKE HER.

[ SNIFFING ] SHE SMELLS LIKE HER.

OH, MY GOD, IT IS HER.

STOP IT, MICHAEL.

I WAS STUDYING. TIME GOT AWAY FROM ME.

OH, TIME GOT AWAY, HUH?

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

HOLD ON.

HELLO? SO IT DOES WORK!

YOU KNOW WHAT, JAY? I'M GONNA FORGIVE YOU.

JUST GET DRESSED. LET'S GO OUT ON OUR DINNER DATE.

OOH. UH...

UH? UM...

DON'T TELL ME YOU FORGOT. IS IT DATE NIGHT AGAIN?

JAY, YOU FORGOT AGAIN?!

YOU FORGOT LAST WEEK.

YOU CANCELED ON ME THE WEEK BEFORE.

I'M SORRY! WHAT IS THIS, HUH?

YOU KNOW, I WORK REALLY HARD TO SET THESE THINGS UP.

RESERVATIONS JUST DON'T MAKE THEMSELVES, JAY.

YOU GOT TO CALL IN ADVANCE,

AND THEN I GO THROUGH ALL THIS TROUBLE

TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK GOOD FOR YOU.

I SHAVED MY HAIR, I TOOK A SHOWER,

AND DID YOU EVEN NOTICE THAT THIS SHIRT IS NEW?

NO.

BECAUSE ALL YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IS THAT STUPID SCHOOL,

AND IF YOU LOVE THE SCHOOL SO MUCH,

THEN WHY DON'T YOU MARRY IT?!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I'M NOT ONE OF YOUR BOOKS. DON'T TOUCH ME.

OKAY, I'M SORRY.

I'VE BEEN STUDYING EXTRA HARD, MICHAEL,

'CAUSE IT'S FINAL-EXAM TIME, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL?

I THINK PROFESSOR TILLMAN HAS IT IN FOR ME.

NOW, WHY WOULD HE JUST SINGLE YOU OUT? SEE?

IT'S SOMETHING SILLY,

SOMETHING THAT HE MIGHT HAVE EVEN OVERHEARD ME SAY

ABOUT HIS MASTER THESIS.

WHAT DID YOU SAY? NOTHING. NOTHING.

ALL I SAID WAS, IT WAS A POORLY WRITTEN

UNSUBSTANTIATED PIECE OF CRAP.

THAT'S IT? YEAH!

AND HE GOT UPSET ABOUT THAT?

SEE? HOW OVERLY SENSITIVE.

I KNOW. HE'S SUCH AN EGOMANIAC.

HE'S EVEN TRYING TO GET A LIBRARY BUILT IN HIS NAME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I KNOW, IT'S A TRIP.

YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT?

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SCHOOL.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR TEACHER.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU PASS OR FAIL THE TEST.

ALL I CARE ABOUT IS YOU SPENDING SOME QUALITY TIME WITH ME!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE'RE AT

IN THIS RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE, JAY!

SO YOU NEED TO REASSURE ME!

MICHAEL, FINE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GO CHANGE IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU.

IT IS. OKAY.

FINE, I'LL... FIVE MINUTES, OKAY?

JUST GIVE ME FIVE LITTLE MINUTES.

HURRY BECAUSE I NEED YOU. OKAY, I WILL. I'M GOING.

HEY, WAIT, COULD YOU COME AND HUG ME SO WE CAN RECONNECT?

I NEED THAT.

OKAY, I'M COMING, MICHAEL.

OKAY. NO, NO, NOT YET.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HI, FRANKLIN.

HELLO, MY PEACH.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

WHO IS THAT?

THIS IS MY FRIEND EMERSON.

AH, NAMED AFTER THE POET RALPH WALDO EMERSON, I PRESUME?

WHY, YES. MY PARENTS LOVED HIM.

THEY JUST DIDN'T THINK RALPH OR WALDO SUITED ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW. YOU LOOK LIKE A WALDO TO ME.

[ LAUGHS ]

O-KAY.

WE WERE JUST PAINTING.

WOW, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT. I LOVE YOUR PALETTE.

I SEE SOMEONE HAS BEEN HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY VAN GOGH.

HEY! HEY! HEY, LOOK AT MINE.

LOOK, I PAINTED SOMETHING, TOO, FRANKLIN.

WHAT A FANTASTIC ARMADILLO.

IT'S A SELF-PORTRAIT!

[ WHIMPERS ] AWKWARD MOMENT.

PREGNANT PAUSE.

ANYHOO, ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR PIANO LESSON?

NO, I'M AFRAID MY ARMADILLO CLAWS MIGHT SCRATCH THE KEYS.

WHY, DON'T TELL ME YOU FIDDLE WITH THE OLD 88s.

CARE TO JOIN ME FOR A [PLAYS NOTES]

IMPROMPTU CONCERTO?

INDUBITABLY.

[ PIANO PLAYS ]

SEE, ISN'T IT NICE JUST TO SPEND AN HOUR

NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR STUPID HOPES AND DREAMS?

YOU ARE JOKING, RIGHT?

OF COURSE I'M JOKING.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, BABY,

AND I JUST KNOW THAT YOU'RE GONNA ACE THIS TEST.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHY YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH.

I MEAN, WHAT IS IT YOU LIKE ABOUT ME THE MOST?

DUCK! MY DUCK?

IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL THE THING?

No, Michael, duck! Duck, it's Professor Tillman!

HIM? Yeah, making the busboy cry.

Look!

WELL, BABY, THEN THIS IS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

TO SMOOTH OUT YOUR DIFFERENCES.

NO, NO! HEY, PROFESSOR TILLMAN, OVER HERE.

YES, MAY I HELP YOU?

UH, YEAH.

UM, LISTEN.

MY NAME IS MICHAEL KYLE,

AND YOU MIGHT KNOW MY WIFE, JANET.

HI, PROFESSOR TILLMAN.

SHE'S ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS.

OH, MRS. KYLE. YEAH, MRS. KYLE.

I DO HOPE YOU'RE STUDYING UNDER THERE.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

PROFESSOR, MY WIFE IS UNDER THE SILLY IMPRESSION

THAT YOU'RE HOLDING SOME SORT OF GRUDGE AGAINST HER.

[ Chuckling ] OH, WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

I MEAN [CHUCKLES] JUST BECAUSE SHE CALLED MY BRILLIANT THESIS,

WHICH I WORKED ON FOR FIVE YEARS AND DEDICATED TO MY MOTHER,

GOD REST HER SOUL,

A POORLY WRITTEN, UNSUBSTANTIATED PIECE OF CRAP!

AWKWARD MOMENT.

YES, WELL, I WISH I COULD SAY IT WAS A PLEASURE,

BUT I CAN'T.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, PROFESSOR.

WAIT. Get away.

Didn't you cause enough trouble?

Just go on and sit down.

UH, PROFESSOR, CAN'T WE PUT THIS LITTLE ACRIMONY BEHIND US

AND BURY THE HATCHET?

MRS. KYLE, MAY I SPEAK FRANKLY? YES.

YOU KNOW, I GET A LOT OF BORED HOUSEWIVES IN MY CLASS,

AND THEY TAKE UP SEATS THAT COULD BE BETTER OCCUPIED

BY PEOPLE WITH MORE PROMISE.

SO GOOD EVENING.

I'M DOOMED.

NOT IF I CAN HELP IT, JAY.

THAT MAN INSULTED ME WHEN HE INSULTED YOU,

AND NOBODY STEPS ON YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS BUT ME.

YOU'RE GONNA ACE THAT TEST IF IT KILLS YOU.

AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT, MICHAEL?

BECAUSE I'M GONNA BE YOUR STUDY BUDDY,

AND I'M GONNA TUTOR YOU.

WE'LL SHOW HIM.

GOOD MORNING, MY FAVORITE STUDENT.

CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION.

I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT STUDYING ON PSYCHOLOGY,

AND I'M HERE TO EDUCATE YOU.

OKAY, IN ONE NIGHT, YOU LEARNED EVERYTHING

THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT PSYCHOLOGY?

SEE, THAT KIND OF CYNICISM IS DEMONSTRATIVE

OF YOUR LACK OF TRUST IN MY TEACHING ABILITIES.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I DO NOT TRUST YOUR TEACHING ABILITIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

FREUD SAYS THAT THAT'S YOUR INNER CHILD

WANTING ME TO TAKE YOU UPSTAIRS AND SPANK YOUR LITTLE HEINIE.

MICHAEL, PLEASE! DON'T BEG.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO EARN THAT HEINIE SPANKING.

PAT, BING!

NOW, I'VE DEVELOPED A SYSTEM TO MAKE THIS FUN FOR YOU.

INSTEAD OF STUDYING PSYCHOLOGY,

WE'RE GONNA STUDY

SIGHT-KYLE-OGY.

SEE THAT? SIGHT... KYLE... OGY.

YES, YES, I SEE IT, BUT WHAT IN THE HELL IS IT?

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, AND NO BAD WORDS IN MY CLASS, OKAY?

NOW, I'VE TAKEN ALL YOUR NOTES,

AND I'VE INCORPORATED THEM INTO...

FLASH CARDS!

FLASH CARDS, MICHAEL? WHAT AM I, A CHILD?

FLASH CARDS DON'T WORK ON ME. I'M NOT A VISUAL PERSON.

YEAH, WELL, I BET YOU CAN VISUALIZE YOURSELF

GETTING AN "A" ON THAT EXAM,

AND I BET YOU CAN PICTURE MR. TILLMAN'S FACE EATING CROW,

AND I KNOW THAT YOU CAN IMAGINE ME UPSTAIRS

SPANKING THAT LITTLE HEINIE TILL IT TALKS.

ALL RIGHT...

JUST... SHOW ME THE FLASH CARDS, OKAY?

NOW, THE FIRST QUESTION IS, WHO DEVELOPED THE INKBLOT TEST?

[ GROANS ] UH...

OKAY, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.

HUH, LOOK AT THAT. BA-BA.

COME ON, SPIT IT OUT. BA-BA.

OKAY, LET ME TRY IT!

LION O'NEAL.

LION... RYAN... RYAN O'NEAL DID THE INKBLOT TEST?

NO.

WHAT IS THE LION DOING? ROAR!

AHHHH!

ROAR!

ROARING. YES.

AND WHO'S THIS GUY? WHAT'S HIS FIRST NAME?

GIVE ME HIS FIRST NAME. SHAQ.

YES. NOW PUT IT ALL TOGETHER.

ROAR! UGH!

RORSCHACH. RORSCHACH!

YES! I KNOW THAT ONE.

SEE HOW SIGHT-KYLE-OGY...

SIGHT-KYLE-OGY WORKS?

YES, OKAY, JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE, PLEASE.

OKAY, YOU WANT TO HOLD ONTO THIS? NO, I DO NOT.

JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE, PLEASE.

ARE YOU FEELING THIS?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW, MICHAEL.

WHAT IS THE FEAR OF SPIDERS?

OH, SHOOT. THAT'S ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE.

TICK... TICK... THAT'S EASY.

COME ON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT? TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK!

OKAY, NOW, LOOK AT THAT.

UM...

COME ON, PUT IT ALL TOGETHER.

BABY, CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME A SECOND?

A-BREAST-NO-SADDAM-BEE-A.

A-BREAST-NO-SADDAM-BEE-A!

A-BREAST-NO-SADDAM-BEE-A? COME... NO.

THAT'S WHAT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE DUMB FLASH CARDS.

NO, LOOK.

A-RACK... HUH?

NO... MNH-MNH-MNH.

FOE... BECAUSE HE'S BEEN AMERICA'S FOE.

BEE... BZZ... AH.

NOW YOU JUST PUT IT ALL TOGETHER.

ARACHNOPHOBIA.

YES.

SEE, THAT'S SIGHT-KYLE-OGY AT ITS BEST.

SIGHT-KYLE-OGY.

HERE, YOU WANT TO HOLD ONTO THIS?

NO, I DON'T WANT TO...

OKAY, THIS ONE'S GONNA BE REALLY EASY.

IF YOU CAN'T GET THIS, YOU'RE JUST PLAIN OLD STUPID, OKAY?

THESE ARE THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF.

HUH? LOOK AT THAT.

WHAT IS THAT RIGHT THERE?

YOU SAID IT WAS GONNA BE EASY, MICHAEL!

SEE, ANGER? LOOK AT THE BEAR'S EYES.

HE'S ANGRY. "WHO STOLE MY HONEY?"

WHAT'S UP, BABY?

HERE'S THE MAIL.

ANYTHING INTERESTING? NO.

I LOOKED THROUGH IT.

NO SALES, NO FREE TRIPS TO ANY SPAS,

NO PRODUCT GIVEAWAYS.

JUST THESE LIFE-CHANGING TEST RESULTS FOR MOM.

GIRL, GIVE ME THAT. [ LAUGHS ]

THANK GOD THEY CAME.

NOW SHE CAN STOP ACTING SO SELF-CENTERED AND OBSESSIVE.

I MEAN, THIS PAST WEEK,

EVERYTHING'S BEEN ABOUT THIS SILLY, LITTLE TEST.

MEANWHILE, I'M DEALING WITH BAD-HAIR DAYS,

A MANICURIST THAT'S OUT OF TOWN,

AND I JUST NOTICED ONE OF MY EYES

IS BIGGER THAN THE OTHER ONE.

SEE?

WOW.

IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE NOT OBSESSIVE LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

I KNOW.

HMM.

BOY, I WISH I COULD OPEN THIS UP,

BUT SHE'D PROBABLY KILL ME, WOULDN'T SHE?

YEP, SHE SURE WOULD.

YEAH, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST WAIT AND LET HER OPEN IT.

OR YOU COULD STEAM IT OPEN LIKE I DO YOUR STUFF.

BY THE WAY, YOU GOT A REALLY GOOD PRICE ON THIS HOUSE.

CLAIRE, DO YOU KNOW THAT IT IS A FEDERAL CRIME

TO OPEN UP A PERSON'S PRIVATE MAIL?

WHAT ABOUT READING POSTCARDS?

THAT'S A MISDEMEANOR, POPEYE.

[ GASPS ]

[ Imitating Popeye ] YOU AMS WHAT YOU AMS.

HEH HEH HEH HEH!

[ HUMMING ]

Janet: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, MY GOSHK, IT'S OLIVE.

CAUGHT RED-HANDED, HOW EMBARASSKING.

ARE THOSE MY TEST RESULTS?

[ Normal voice ] THESE IN MY HAND? YES.

HOW'D THEY GET... HOW'D THEY GET OVER THE STEAMER?

THIS HOUSE IS CRAZY.

CLAIRE'S EYES ARE GETTING BIGGER,

AND EVERYTHING IS JUST CRAZY AROUND HERE.

HOW'D WE DO, HUH? HOW'D WE DO, HUH?

DID YOU GET AN "A"? [ LAUGHS ]

IS HE GONNA BE EATING CROW?

AM I GONNA BE SPANKING THAT HEINIE?

NO, I'M GONNA BE KICKING YOURS. I GOT AN "F."

AN "F"? YES.

HOW'D YOU GET AN "F"?

JAY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SIGHT-KYLE-OGY?

WHAT DID I DO?

I LISTENED TO IT, MICHAEL.

AND YOU'RE MAD AT ME? GIRL, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

YOU'RE RIGHT. LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.

LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE PSYCHOLO-JAY, OKAY?

LET ME BREAK IT ON DOWN 'CAUSE, SEE, YOU JUST RIGHT HERE.

YOU NEED TO... SINCE YOU WANT TO BE SO HELPFUL.

LET'S SEE. BOOT-LOCK.

BOOT-LOCK. NO.

OKAY, LET ME SEE THIS. BOOT PLUS "E."

THAT'S BOOT-E,

AND A LOCK WITH AN ARROW GOING DOWN.

BOOT-E ON LOCKDOWN. BOOTY ON LOCKDOWN!

GOT IT!

NO. YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT... AT ALL.

MICHAEL, THIS WAS IMPORTANT TO ME,

AND YOU TURNED IT INTO ONE OF YOUR LITTLE CRUSADES,

AND IN THE PROCESS, IT COST ME

EVERYTHING THAT I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD FOR.

THANKS. THANKS A LOT.

WHAT AN INGRATE.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HELLO, MY LITTLE CHERUB.

HELLO, FRANKLIN.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING GLASSES?

I'VE ALWAYS WORN GLASSES...

LIKE ALL INTELLECTUALS.

YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T ALWAYS WEAR THEM.

YOU ARE ENDLESSLY FASCINATING.

I LEARN SOMETHING NEW ABOUT YOU EVERY DAY.

I SUPPOSE THAT'S TRUE.

OW.

ARE YOU OKAY?

FINE, THANK YOU.

SO WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TODAY?

JUST FINISHING UP ONE OF MY NEW PAINTINGS.

THAT LOOKS LIKE A DOILY.

OH. IT IS.

HERE'S MY PAINTING.

AS YOU CAN SEE, I WAS GREATLY FLUENCED BY "MONETTE."

YOU MEAN MONET?

I CARE NOTHING FOR MONEY, OR AS YOU CALL IT, MONET.

O-KAY, YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME OF JACKS?

[ LAUGHS ]

JACKS? PLEASE.

I DON'T INDULGE IN SUCH CHILDISH FARE.

HOW ABOUT AN INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING GAME OF CHESS?

ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?

NEVER BETTER.

[ GASPS ]

I THINK YOU MIGHT NEED A STRONGER PRESCRIPTION

FOR YOUR GLASSES.

WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

MR. KYLE, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

WELL, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAD A MINUTE.

CERTAINLY. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, YOU SEE, THE THING IS, PROFESSOR,

IT'S MY FAULT THAT JAY FLUNKED THE TEST.

I COACHED HER USING SOME OF MY OWN METHODS,

SOMETHING I CALL SIGHT-KYLE-OGY.

[ CHUCKLES ] I INVENTED IT.

YOU MEAN, LIKE PICTOGRAPHS?

WELL, IF YOU WANT TO REDUCE IT TO PICTOGRAPHS,

I GUESS IT COULD BE THAT,

BUT THE POINT IS, I MESSED JAY UP.

AND EXACTLY HOW IS THIS MY PROBLEM?

WELL, I WAS KIND OF HOPING YOU'D LET HER TAKE THE TEST OVER.

AND HOW WOULD FAILING AGAIN HELP HER?

I REALLY BELIEVE, PROFESSOR, THAT WITHOUT MY INTERFERENCE,

SHE COULD REALLY DO WELL ON THAT TEST.

I AM TEMPTED TO GO ALONG WITH YOU JUST TO PROVE YOU WRONG,

BUT, YOU KNOW, I AM REALLY GOOD AT RESISTING TEMPTATION,

SO THE ANSWER IS NO.

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN SAY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?

NO.

WHOOPSIE! HEY, LOOK AT THAT.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN'S KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.

[ LAUGHS ]

MR. KYLE, YOU'RE INSULTING MY INTEGRITY

AND IMPUGNING MY HONOR WITH YOUR CHICANERY.

YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN. HERE'S AN EXTRA $20.

I WAS GONNA USE IT FOR GAS MONEY.

YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME, MR. KYLE.

IF I WERE TO POCKET YOUR BRIBE,

THAT WOULD BE UNTHINKABLE AND BEYOND UNETHICAL.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE WORK TO DO.

SAY, WHAT IS THIS MAGNIFICENT STRUCTURE?

OH!

THAT'S THE FLOYD F. TILLMAN LIBRARY.

WHAT DOES THE F. STAND FOR?

FLOYD.

SO YOUR NAME IS FLOYD FLOYD?

YEP, YEP.

YOU KNOW, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, SOMETHING'S MISSING THERE.

AND WHAT EXACTLY WOULD THAT BE?

OH, A 20-FOOT BRONZE STATUE

OF FLOYD TILLMAN WITH AN ASCOT AND A PIPE

STRIKING A POSE LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN

WITH A BOOK IN HIS HAND.

HUH?

I AGREE.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE RAN OUT OF FUNDS.

TOO BAD. LOOK.

WHOOPSIE. [ CHUCKLES ]

WHOOPSIE.

WHOOPSIE.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

KADY, IT'S ME, FRANKLIN.

ENTREZ-VOUS.

OH, HI, FRANKLIN.

I WAS JUST BRUSHING UP ON SOME OF MY WALT WHITMAN.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO RECITE ONE OF HIS POEMS FOR YOU?

NO.

TO BE BLUNT, WHAT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO

IS FOR YOU TO LOSE THOSE GRANNY GLASSES

AND BRING BACK MY OLD KADY.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU LIKED...

OH. BUT I THOUGHT YOU LIKED SMART GIRLS.

WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

I SAW THE WAY YOU LIT UP AROUND EMERSON.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

EXTRAORDINARY CHILD PRODIGIES ARE A DIME A DOZEN.

ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT PERHAPS I MIGHT HAVE CONNECTED WITH EMERSON

ON A MUSICAL LEVEL AND MAYBE EVEN ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL,

BUT YOU AND I CONNECT ON A HEART LEVEL,

AND IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT.

[ SIGHS ]

OH, FRANKLIN, YOU ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY.

JAY, I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS.

I PAID A VISIT TO YOUR PROFESSOR TILLMAN,

AND I CONVINCED HIM TO GIVE YOU A RETEST.

REALLY? YEP.

DID YOU BRIBE THAT MAN?

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

YEAH.

UH-HUH. HOW MUCH?

I BOUGHT HIM A STATUE TO PUT IN FRONT OF HIS LIBRARY.

YEAH, THAT'S SOMETHING HE WOULD GO FOR,

BUT IS HE REALLY GONNA LET ME RETEST? OH, YEAH.

DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING FROM THIS, MR. KYLE?

BABY, I LEARNED THAT STATUES ARE VERY EXPENSIVE.

NO.

NO, YOUR EGO.

YOU LET YOUR EGO GET INVOLVED,

AND WHENEVER YOU DO THAT, IT ENDS UP BAD.

I'M NOT SURE IT WAS MY EGO.

I THINK IT WAS MY SUPEREGO OR MY ID.

GET IT? THAT'S ON PAGE 36. OKAY, YES, I GOT IT.

THAT'S VERY FUNNY. GET IT?

YEAH. [ SNORTS SARCASTICALLY ]

LOOK, BABE, MY HEART'S IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I BELIEVE IN YOU,

AND I REALLY FEEL THAT YOU'RE GONNA PASS THIS TEST.

AND THANK YOU FOR CORRECTING YOUR MISTAKE,

AND I WILL DO MY BEST TO CORRECT MINE.

SO NOW WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY,

YOU THINK MAYBE WE CAN MAKE UP FOR SOME LOST TIME?

OOH, I WOULD LOVE TO...

BUT I GOT TO STUDY FIRST.

HA HA! IT'S OKAY.

I COULD DO MY THING WITH YOU STUDYING.

OH, NO, NO, NO. YEAH.

NO, YOU CAN'T. I'LL SHOW YOU SOME PSYCHOLOGY.

NO, NO, NO. I NEED TO CONCENTRATE.

NO, I WANT TO TEACH YOU ABOUT THE FIVE STAGES OF PASSION.

MICHAEL, STOP!

STOP!

BRING THAT HEINIE! GIMME THAT HEINIE!

[ WHISTLING ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[ Imitating Popeye ] OH, MY GOSHK, IT'S OLIVE AGAIN.

WHY, BLOW ME DOWN.

ARE THOSE MY TEST RESULTS AGAIN, MICHAEL?

[ Normal voice ] I'M SORRY.

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WE GOT.

WHAT'D YOU DO, WHAT'D YOU DO?

HUH, COME ON, WHAT?

I GOT AN "A" MINUS! HA HA!

CONGRATULATIONS, BABY.

THANK YOU!

OH, I FEEL SO VALIDATED.

GREAT, SO NOW ARE WE OKAY? ARE WE COOL?

YES, WE ARE COOL. OF COURSE, BABE, OF COURSE.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA BREAK IT DOWN

SO THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW... COOL WE ARE.

LOOK, LOOK. RIGHT HERE.

"S" PLUS BANK?

COME ON.

SPANK? NO, NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHILE YOU FIGURE THAT OUT, I'M GONNA GO UPSTAIRS.

ALL RIGHT? I'LL BE WAITING.

"S" PLUS BANK.

SPANK.

SPANK.

"M" PLUS EYE.

MY.

PLUS DONKEY? SPANK MY DONKEY.

WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO SPANK THAT ASS?

BABY!

GET MY BLUE PILL READY!

I WAS JUST BRUSHING UP ON SOME OF MY WALT WHITMAN.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO RECITE ONE OF HIS POEMS FOR YOU?

NO, TO BE BLUNT, WHAT I WOULD YOU LIKELY...

WHAT? [ LAUGHS ]

IT'S YOUR LINE. IS IT?

YEAH.

ENDS UP BAD, EGO.

WHERE ARE YOU AT, WOMAN?

YOU NEED SIGHT-KYLE-OGY.