Original subtitles

BABY, THESE EGGS ARE AMAZING.

THANK YOU.

[ STOMPING ]

HI.

I'M EXHAUSTED.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

LIFE WITH THIS DAMN BABY.

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE BABY?

IT'S HERE ALL THE TIME! I MEAN, IT'S SATURDAY!

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP IN ON SATURDAY!

I WORK EVERY DAY DURING THE WEEK,

AND WHEN I CAME HOME EXHAUSTED, I HAD TO BE A DADDY,

AND ALL I HEAR IS, "WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH!"

I FEEL LIKE I GOT TWO JOBS

AND THE ONLY PAY I GET IS PEOPLE SAY,

"AW, LOOK HOW CUTE THE BABY IS."

WELL, WE DIDN'T EVEN GET THAT WHEN YOU WERE A BABY.

ALL WE GOT WAS, "WHAT IS THAT?

"IS THAT E.T.?

OUCH!"

WE WERE UP ALL NIGHT. HE WAS FUSSING AND FIGHTING.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD. ISN'T THAT TOO BAD?

THAT'S SO BAD.

IS THAT BAGS UNDER...

LOOK, BABY, HE GOT BAGS UNDER HIS EYES.

NO, NO, NO, THAT'S NOT JUST BAGS, THAT'S LUGGAGE.

YEAH, RUB IT IN.

SORRY, SON.

LOOK, THIS IS THE FUN OF BEING A GRANDPARENT.

SEE, WE'VE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT WITH YOU.

NOW WE GET A CHANCE TO SIT BACK AND LAUGH.

IF I COULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN,

I'D TAKE THAT 30 SECONDS BACK.

17 SECONDS.

WOMAN!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ALL THAT.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE THE BABY SO YOU TWO

CAN GO GET YOURSELVES A COUPLE OF HOURS OF SLEEP?

OH, THANK YOU, MRS. KYLE.

DID HE BREAK MY TABLE?

MICHAEL, I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT JUNIOR.

HE'S SO NEGATIVE ABOUT THE FATHER THING.

IT CAN'T BE HEALTHY.

YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING, BABY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, SPANK HIM?

DON'T HATE BEING A FATHER!

COME BACK HERE.

DON'T YOU NOT LOVE YOUR SON!

BOY, DON'T YOU PUT...

[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

STOP!

I WOULD SAY YES IF I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP,

BUT, REALLY, MICHAEL,

THESE KIDS ARE AT A CRITICAL JUNCTURE.

REMEMBER HOW WE WERE WHEN WE FIRST HAD JUNIOR?

THIS IS THE POINT WHERE SOME PEOPLE GIVE UP FOREVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

I'M GONNA DO THE SAME THING TO HIM

THAT MY FATHER DID TO ME.

BEAT HIM AND POUR SALT IN HIS WOUNDS?

NO.

LEMON JUICE? NO.

BLEACH? NO.

TURPENTINE? NO.

WHAT?

THE MAGIC BABY.

OH, THE MAGIC BABY!

GOOD NIGHT, TONY. I LOVE YOU.

OHH. MAN. I ALWAYS DO THAT.

HAVE FUN WITH TONY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!

DON'T QUESTION ME, MISSY.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING OUT OF YOUR ROOM AT THIS HOUR?

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S MOM AND DAD'S BUSINESS.

I'LL GO AND ASK THEM.

NO, NO, WAIT.

YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT

TO YOUR BIG SISTER AGAIN, WOULD YOU?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK YOU'RE BLACKMAILING ME

LIKE YOU'VE DONE EVER SINCE YOU COULD TALK.

HAVE NO ARGUMENT WITH THAT.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

AH, THE UNDERLYING QUESTION...

WHAT DO I WANT?

HMM, LET'S SEE.

WHAT A PRETTY PURSE.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE MY PURSE.

OH, OF COURSE NOT.

I WAS HOPING YOU'D GIVE IT TO ME.

ALL RIGHT, BUT AFTER THAT WE'RE EVEN.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE'RE EVEN WHEN I SAY WE'RE EVEN.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

GOOD MORNING.

Michael: HOW DID YOU SLEEP?

LIKE A BABY... BUT NOT THAT BABY.

I SLEPT LIKE A GOOD BABY.

HEY!

DON'T TALK ABOUT MY GRANDSON.

COME HERE. COME HERE. COME HERE.

DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM. THIS BABY HAS MAGICAL POWERS.

WHATEVER.

I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU. GO AHEAD. TOUCH THE BABY.

ALL RIGHT, NOW PICK A NUMBER BETWEEN 3 AND 5.

3 AND 5.

4.

WOW.

YOU SEE THAT?

YOU S... LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE.

YEAH, DO ANOTHER ONE.

WHAT IS THE CAPITAL OF SOUTH DAKOTA?

SOUTH DAKOTA CITY.

TOUCH THE BABY.

WHAT IS THE CAPITAL OF PIERRE, SOUTH DAKOTA?

PIERRE.

IT'S MAGIC BABY. IT'S MAGIC BABY.

OH, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

Michael: LOOK, LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE.

WHO IS BURIED IN GRANT'S TOMB, JUNIOR?

JUNIOR.

MNH-MNH?

IN GRANT'S TOMB, JUNIOR?

OH, I'M SORRY. TOMB.

WOW. WOW.

PUT YOUR HAND ON THE BABY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY GRANT AGAIN.

GRANT!

SEE? THAT'S FANTASTIC.

I-I GOT THAT?

Michael: YOU GOT IT RIGHT BY YOURSELF, SON.

WOW! MAYBE THE BABY IS MAGIC!

OF COURSE HE IS.

SEE, THIS IS TRUE OF ALL FIRSTBORN KYLES.

BEFORE YOU WERE BORN, I WAS DUMB AS A POST.

DUMB.

I WAS DUMB.

DUMBER THAN DUMB.

I WAS AN IDIOT. I WAS LIKE YOU.

BUT THEN YOU WERE BORN,

AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS TOUCH RIGHT HERE

ON THE HOOK OF YOUR HEAD AND...

[ IMITATES GRINDING ]

KNOWLEDGE.

WOW, THAT... ASK ME ANOTHER QUESTION.

MAKE IT A TOUGH ONE THIS TIME, BABY.

OKAY, I'LL TRY ANOTHER ONE.

WHEN DID WORLD WAR II START?

I GOT THIS ONE.

I DON'T EVEN NEED TO TOUCH THE BABY.

WORLD WAR II STARTED

BETWEEN WORLD WAR I AND WORLD WAR III.

YEAH!

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH!

OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD, SON, BUT LISTEN, LISTEN.

WE CAN GET A LITTLE CLOSER.

YEAH!

JUNIOR.

WHOO! HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

GOT ANOTHER ONE?

OKAY. TELL HIM TO TOUCH THE BABY.

I THINK YOU CAN GET A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE ACTUAL DATE

IF YOU TOUCH THE 1939 BABY.

1939, BABY.

WOW, THIS BOY IS BRILLIANT.

BUT THERE'S MORE.

MORE?

1939... HITLER'S NAZI TROOPS BLITZKRIEGED POLAND

AND WORLD WAR II COMMENCES,

PLUNGING THE WORLD INTO THE DARKNESS

OF TOTAL CONFLICT AND SETTING THE STAGE

FOR THE ENGLISH BULLDOG, WINSTON CHURCHILL,

TO LOCK HORNS WITH THE DEVIL OF DEUTSCHLAND.

OHHH!

JUNIOR!

JUNIOR!

W-W-W-WHAT HAPPENED?

WAS I RIGHT?

YEAH, YOU GOT IT RIGHT.

I-I WAS RIGHT?

I'M SMART!

OH, MY GOD, I GOT TO GO TELL VANESSA!

YEAH!

Jay: MICHAEL, SOMETHING IS BOTHERING ME.

ME TOO. I'M GLAD YOU SAID IT,

'CAUSE I FEEL STRESSED OUT AND CLOGGED UP.

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD DO THAT THING...

UNH-UNH, UNH-UNH, UNH-UNH.

I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT

"I NEED TO RELIEVE MY STRESS" ROUTINE, OKAY?

OKAY. I WAS JUST TRYING TO TAKE A SHOT.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

ANYWAY, WHAT'S BOTHERING ME IS JUNIOR.

WHY?

I THOUGHT THE MAGIC-BABY THING WAS WORKING REALLY WELL.

YEAH, A LITTLE TOO WELL, MICHAEL. COME ON.

DO YOU REMEMBER AT THE END

WHEN HE WALKED ABOUT WORLD WAR II

AND THE DEVIL OF DEUTSCHLAND?

HOW DID HE KNOW ALL THAT?

YOU DIDN'T FEED IT TO HIM SUBLIMINALLY.

WELL, THAT'S THE MAGIC OF THE MAGIC-BABY TRICK.

WHAT IT DOES IS GIVE YOU THE CONFIDENCE

TO UNLOCK THE KNOWLEDGE

THAT'S ALREADY INSIDE OF YOUR HEAD.

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD ANY KNOWLEDGE TO UNLOCK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, HIS HEAD IS JUST HOLLOW,

THAT IT'S FULL OF STYROFOAM PACKING PEANUTS OR SOMETHING?

I'M NOT BUYING IT. SOMETHING IS UP.

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS.

I CANNOT TELL YOU GUYS HOW SMART I FEEL

WHEN I'M HOLDING THIS BABY.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

WATCH THIS.

JUNIOR, LET ME HOLD THE BABY.

OKAY. GO TO GRANDPA.

OKAY.

NOW, IN YOUR NEW STATE OF INTELLECTUAL GRACE,

I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME THIS MATHEMATICAL QUERY.

WHAT IS PI?

A DELICIOUS DESSERT.

OKAY, TOUCH THE BABY.

WHAT IS PI?

OH, PI IS A SYMBOL DENOTING

THE RATIO OF THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF A CIRCLE

TO ITS DIAMETER.

THE RATIO ITSELF IS EQUAL TO APPROXIMATELY 3.1416

OR THE FRACTION 22/7.

TAKE YOUR HAND OFF THE BABY.

BANANA CREAM. HA!

IT'S INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT?

IT IS.

YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA GO LEARN SOME NEW THINGS.

CAN I HAVE MY BABY BACK?

GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY.

WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, DO SOME DIVISION AND SUBTRACTION.

HA!

I GET IT... MULTIPLY... A BIBLICAL REFERENCE

YOKED TO MATHEMATICAL TERMINOLOGY

RESULTING IN A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S CLEVER... NOT WITTY, BUT, OH, SO CLEVER.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, GUYS.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE SUN

IS 93 MILLION MILES AWAY FROM THE EARTH

AND THAT WITHOUT THE SUN, THE EARTH WOULD DIE?

AND IF YOU TOOK A PIN-SIZED PIECE OF THE SUN

AND SET IT ON THE GROUND

THAT YOU COULDN'T STAND WITHIN 90 MILES OF IT

BECAUSE OF THE HEAT?

[ LAUGHS ]

WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM?

YOU KNOW, THAT'S VERY INTERESTING, EINSTEIN,

BUT YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE TRYING TO READ.

WHY BOTHER READING WHEN YOU HAVE ME AND THE MAGIC BABY...

ENCYCLOPEDIA JUNIOR JUNIOR?

OH, ANOTHER INTERESTING FACTOID...

ONLY 10% OF THE POPULATION IS LEFT-HANDED

WHILE 89% ARE RIGHT-HANDED AND 1% HAVE NO HANDS AT ALL.

I'M SO BRILLIANT.

YOU CREATED A MONSTER.

ACTUALLY, MARY SHELLEY CREATED THE FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER

WHILE VACATIONING WITH THE POET BYRON.

YES, SHE DID.

GET OUT!

GETTING OUT.

MICHAEL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

ABOUT THIS ARROGANT CHILD YOU CREATED?

HE'LL BE FINE.

SOONER OR LATER, HE'S GONNA FIGURE OUT

THAT IT'S NOT THE BABY AND THAT IT'S HIM.

BABY, HOW IS HE GONNA DO THAT?

HE SEEMS TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

YEAH, WELL, I CALLED FOR A LITTLE HELP.

I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

LISTEN, JUNIOR HAS BECOME REALLY SMART,

AND I NEED YOU TO TAKE HIM DOWN JUST A PEG.

DID YOU TELL HIM THE MAGIC BABY STORY?

YEAH.

FOOL!

ALL RIGHT, THIS ISN'T GONNA BE EASY.

DO YOU WANT HIM BACK TO DIM BULB

OR ALL THE WAY TO CRO-MAGNON?

NO, NO, NO, WE LIKE THE FACT

THAT THE BABY MAKES HIM FEEL SMARTER.

WE JUST DON'T WANT HIM TO BE ARROGANT ABOUT IT.

[ Laughing ] WELL, ACTUALLY,

ARROGANCE IS A SIGN OF INTELLIGENCE.

BRING HIM IN.

JUNIOR!

DID YOU KNOW THAT PUDDING, SURPRISINGLY,

WAS NOT INVENTED BY BILL COSBY BUT RATHER BY...

PETER COOPER, WHO OBTAINED THE FIRST PATENT

ON GELATIN DESSERT IN 18...

45. HELLO, MUMFORD.

KYLE.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BY?

I HEAR YOU'VE GOTTEN SUPER SMART,

AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WANTED TO MATCH WITS

WITH A GENIUS.

OH, SURE, IF YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ONE, SEND HIM BY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

CLEVER, NOT WITTY, BUT, OH, SO CLEVER.

I THINK A LITTLE COMPETITION WILL BE HEALTHY FOR BOTH OF YOU.

I HAVE IN MY HAND THE BIG BOOK OF FACTS.

I'LL START THE FESTIVITIES.

FRANKLIN, WHAT IS THE FASTEST ANIMAL ON SIX LEGS?

THE COCKROACH, AND I HOPE TO GOD

YOU'RE GOING TO ASK MORE CHALLENGING QUESTIONS

THAN THAT ONE.

UH, JUNIOR, WHAT'S THE LONGEST WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

WITH LETTERS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?

OH, I KNOW THIS... ALMOST.

NO, JUNIOR, YOU HAVE TO KNOW IT COMPLETELY.

NO, HE'S RIGHT, BABY. THE WORD IS "ALMOST."

DUH.

MR. KYLE, WE COULD DO THIS ALL DAY.

I MEAN, ANYONE CAN ANSWER QUESTIONS LIKE

WHAT PLANET IS THE ONLY PLANET THAT ROTATES CLOCKWISE?

VENUS. WHAT IS THE ONLY ANIMAL TO FLY BACKWARDS?

HUMMINGBIRD.

WHAT'S THE ACTUAL TERM FOR ONE 100th OF A SECOND?

A JIFFY.

WHAT IS THE LONGEST THAT A SNAIL CAN SLEEP?

THREE YEARS.

ELECTRICITY DOES NOT FLOW THROUGH THE WIRE

BUT RATHER A FIELD AROUND THE WIRE.

WHAT ARE THE NAMES OF THE THREE WISE MONKEYS?

THEIR NAMES ARE MIZARU, MIKAZARU, AND MAZARU.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

OKAY, WE'RE NEVER GOING TO GET ANYWHERE WITH THIS.

YOU BOTH ARE JUST FREAKS OF NATURE.

YES, I AM AS SMART AS FRANKLIN.

I'M SORRY, MR. AND MRS. KYLE. I TRIED MY BEST.

HEY, MUMFORD, STOP BY ANY TIME YOU NEED SOME SCHOOLING.

YOU KNOW, ONE DAY THAT BABY'S GONNA GROW UP

AND THEN YOU'LL BE STUPID AGAIN.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

YEAH!

TIME TO FEED THE BABY.

DAD, I'VE DECIDED THAT I'M GOING TO RETAKE THE S.A.T.s,

GET A PERFECT SCORE, GO TO HARVARD,

AND THEN BECOME PRESIDENT.

THEN, AFTER I BECOME PRESIDENT,

I'M GOING TO MOVE INTO THE WHITE HOUSE AND PAINT IT GREEN

SO WE'LL CALL IT THE GREEN HOUSE FOR THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT.

THEN AFTER THAT, I'M GONNA ERADICATE WORLD HUNGER.

EXCEPT FOR IN HUNGARY,

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET RID OF THE HUNGER IN HUNGARY.

HA HA! YEAH!

OKAY, YOU NEED TO TAKE THE BABY BACK.

YEAH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

HERE'S YOUR TOAST, YOU LITTLE PEST.

PLEASE REFER TO ME AS "QUEEN PEST."

WHATEVER. HERE'S YOUR TOAST.

UH, THAT'S NOT MY TOAST.

I ASKED FOR BUTTER WITH A SMIDGEN OF JELLY.

I'LL SMIDGEN YOU WITH THIS KNIFE.

OH, VIOLENCE.

SO, ON TOP OF THE FACT THAT YOU'RE SNEAKING AROUND,

YOU WANT TO ADD HOMICIDE TO YOUR RéSUMé?

OHH!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?

MOM, SOMETHING VERY INTERESTING

HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT.

UH, YOUR MUFFIN'S COMING RIGHT UP, QUEEN PEST.

WASN'T THAT INTERESTING, AFTER ALL.

WELL, WE'RE OFF.

AND WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO RETAKE THE S.A.T.s, ME AND MY MAGIC BABY.

WELL, GOOD LUCK.

MOM, LUCK HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

THIS BABY HAS GIVEN ME ACCESS TO MY SECOND BRAIN OF INFORMATION.

THERE'S NOTHING I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, MAYBE YOU DON'T KNOW THIS...

YOU CAN'T TAKE A BABY TO THE S.A.T. TEST.

HUH?

SO, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE HIM HERE.

I'LL WATCH HIM.

NO, NO, NO. YOU CAN'T HAVE THE BABY.

JUNIOR, LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER.

NO, NO!

I'VE NEVER BEEN SMART BEFORE AND I'M NOT GOING BACK.

I MEAN, YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO STOP AT A STOP SIGN AND WAIT FOR IT TO TURN GREEN.

JUNIOR!

YOU CAN'T TAKE THE BABY TO THE S.A.T.s!

I CAN TAKE THE BABY IF I WANT TO.

GIVE ME THIS BABY. GIVE ME MY GRANDCHILD.

OH! I.Q. DROPPING! LOSING MENTAL ACUITY.

AW, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

SON, LISTEN TO ME.

IT'S NEVER BEEN ABOUT THE BABY.

YES, IT WAS. THE BABY MADE ME SMART.

NO, THE BABY WAS JUST A PLACEBO.

PLACEBO?

I THOUGHT WE THREW THAT OUT WITH THE UMBILICAL CORD.

JUNIOR, LOOK, YOU WERE SMARTER WHEN YOU HELD THE BABY

BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SMARTER.

IT'S THE SAME THING MY FATHER DID TO ME

WHEN HE PUT YOU IN MY ARMS.

HE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE A MAGIC BABY.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? HE WAS RIGHT.

NOW, YOU GO TAKE THAT TEST AND MAKE YOUR DAD PROUD.

OKAY. I'LL TRY.

VERY GOOD.

CLAIRE, YOU STARTLED ME.

NEVER SCARE SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MOVEMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UM, HOW ABOUT I LIVE HERE?

UH, YES, THAT.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I LOVE HER SO MUCH,

SOMETIMES I THINK THAT KADY IS THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS HOUSE.

THAT'S WHO I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

IT'S MY FAVORITE SUBJECT.

SHE'S BLACKMAILING ME.

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA ♪

LISTEN TO ME.

SHE'S NOT PERFECT. IN FACT, SHE'S A CRIMINAL.

BLASPHEMY! FIRST OF ALL,

IF KADY IS BLACKMAILING YOU AS YOU HAVE ALLEGED,

THEN YOU MUST'VE DONE SOMETHING BLACKMAIL-ABLE.

YEAH, I WAS OUT WITH TONY, AND I SNUCK IN LATE.

OH, REALLY?

I'LL BET YOU WOULDN'T WANT

YOUR PARENTS TO KNOW ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU?

NO, I WOULDN'T.

I SURE HOPE NO ONE PUTS THAT TO MUSIC

AND LETS THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW THAT...

♪ CLAIRE SNUCK OUT WITH TONY LAST NIGHT ♪

♪ CLAIRE SNUCK OUT WITH TONY LAST NIGHT ♪

STOP IT!

TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, YOU LITTLE RUNT.

I'M GONNA TELL KADY THAT YOU KISSED ME.

BUT THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS. I HAVEN'T KISSED...

YOU TRICKED ME!

THAT'S WHAT EVERY MAN SAYS AND NO WOMAN BELIEVES.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE DOES WRONG.

HOW CAN I EVEN THE SCORE?

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. SHE'S PERFECT.

EXCEPT FOR THE OCCASIONAL EXTORTION SCHEME,

SHE'S FLAWLESS, BEYOND REPROACH.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING.

THERE ISN'T, UNLESS YOU COUNT

AN IRRATIONAL LOVE OF ICE CREAM A WEAKNESS.

HMM, ICE CREAM.

THANK YOU, FRANKLIN.

WHAT? I'VE DONE NOTHING.

IF YOU TELL HER I SAID ANYTHING, I'LL DENY IT.

GO AHEAD.

DENIAL IS THE FIRST SIGN OF GUILT.

CURSES!

THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS HERE! THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS HERE!

AHA! I GOT YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GETTING SOME ICE CREAM?

BUT YOU JUST TOOK MONEY OUT OF MOM'S CHANGE JAR.

DID I? ME?

ISN'T THAT WHAT IT'S HERE FOR?

NO, AND YOU KNOW THAT.

MOM PUTS ALL HER CHANGE IN THERE.

AT THE END OF THE YEAR, SHE BUYS FOOD FOR ORPHANS.

SO, TECHNICALLY, YOU'RE STEALING MONEY FROM ORPHANS.

REALLY?

YEAH. HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS?

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME.

THIS WEEK?

TODAY.

SO, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU AND I ARE EVEN.

I GUESS SO.

SO, ARE YOU GONNA PUT THE MONEY BACK,

OR ARE YOU GONNA SPEND IT ON ICE CREAM?

I'LL PUT IT BACK.

[ SIGHS ]

LOOK, YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE SISTERS FOR A LONG TIME,

SO I THINK WE OUGHT TO MAKE A RULE

THAT WE'RE NOT GONNA TATTLE ON EACH OTHER.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

SO, DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

DEAL.

THE ICE CREAM TRUCK'S STILL HERE.

RUB IT IN.

LET ME BUY YOU ONE.

REALLY?

I'VE BEEN TAKING MONEY FROM THIS JAR

YEARS BEFORE YOU.

WHERE'S MY COFFEE, WOMAN?!

I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, GOOD MORNING, YOU TWO.

DAD, THE MOST INCREDIBLE THING HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.

THIS REALLY IS A MAGIC BABY.

HE PERFORMED HIS FIRST TRICK.

REALLY? WHAT WAS IT?

HE SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT.

AW.

YOU SEE, THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S CONFIDENT NOW

THAT HE HAS A FATHER WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM.

JUNIOR, YOUR S.A.T. SCORES CAME.

O-O-OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T OPEN IT.

MOM, YOU OPEN IT. YOU OPEN IT.

OPEN IT.

I'M TOO NERVOUS. YOU OPEN IT, MICHAEL.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM OPENING IT BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN MY SON.

JUNIOR, ON YOUR OWN, YOU SCORED AN 1160.

CONGRATULATIONS!

YES, YES, YES, YES!

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

WHAT?

I HAD SOME OF THE ANSWERS STASHED IN MY WALLET.

JUNIOR!

YOU CHEATED?

NO, NO, NO!

JUNIOR!

NO, I DIDN'T CHEAT.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO CHEAT.

I WENT INTO MY WALLET TO GET THE ANSWERS,

AND WHEN I OPENED IT, I SAW THIS PICTURE OF JUNIOR, JR.

SEE, I KNOW THIS STUFF, OR AT LEAST 1160 WORTH.

AND YOU DID IT WITHOUT THE MAGIC BABY.

YEAH!

All: YEAH!

HUH?

MNH-MNH, MNH-MNH.

WHAT IS PI?

A DELICIOUS DESSERT. [ LAUGHS ]

PUT YOUR HAND ON THE BABY.

WHAT... [ LAUGHS ]

PUT YOUR HAND ON THE BABY.

[ LAUGHS ]

I'M SORRY, SON,

BUT THESE ARE THE JOYS OF BEING A GRANDPARENT.

[ LAUGHS ]

DID YOU JUST MISS YOUR MOUTH?

[ LAUGHTER ]