Original subtitles

[ BABY CRYING ]

PLEASE, MAKE HIM STOP!

I'M TRYING! NOTHING'S WORKING.

OKAY, GO THROUGH YOUR CHECKLIST... DIAPER? EMPTY.

STOMACH? FULL.

NAP TIME? HAD IT.

MAYBE HE JUST REALIZED WHO HIS DADDY IS.

HEY!

THAT'S VERY FUNNY. COME ON, ROOKIE.

HAND OVER THE KID.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE.

HERE YOU GO. GOOD LUCK.

♪ ROCKABYE, BABY, ON THE TREE TOP ♪

♪ WHEN THE WIND BLOWS, THE CRADLE WILL ROCK ♪

[ Loudly ] ♪ WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS, THE CRA... ♪

OKAY.

WOW, THAT IS ONE CRYING BABY!

CAN YOU MAKE HIM STOP?

OF COURSE I CAN, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

CRYING IS ACTUALLY GOOD FOR THE BABY'S LUNGS.

SEE, THAT'S HOW PATTI LaBELLE GOT HER START.

WAAAA, WAAAAA, WAA, WAA, WAA,

WAA, WAAA, WAAA, WAAA...

WAA, WAA.

BUT HE'S BEEN CRYING SO LONG, MR. KYLE.

WE CAN'T FIGURE HOW TO MAKE HIM STOP.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL INEPT.

NOW, IF YOU ADMIT THAT YOU CANNOT EXIST

WITHOUT MY WISDOM AND GUIDANCE,

I SHALL BE HAPPY TO QUIET THE CRYING CHILD.

MICHAEL!

OKAY, LET ME HAVE HIM.

OKAY, COME HERE.

NOW, YOU ALL WAIT HERE, AND I'LL GO WORK MY MAGIC.

COME, CHILD, I SHALL BRING YOU PEACE.

DID YOU EVER GET CURIOUS AS TO WHAT HE'S DOING?

IT DIDN'T MATTER TO ME AS LONG AS HE GOT THESE KIDS TO SHUT UP.

[ CRYING STOPS ]

WOW! THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

BEHOLD, THE HAPPY BABY.

NOW, ARE THERE ANY OTHER MIRACLES

YOU GUYS WOULD HAVE ME PERFORM?

HOW DID YOU DO IT? YEAH, DAD, WHAT'S THE SECRET?

THE MASTER CANNOT DIVULGE ANCIENT SECRETS

TO MERE COMMONERS OF THE VILLAGE.

THE INFORMATION IS WAY TOO POWERFUL.

IT MIGHT CRUSH THY TINY LITTLE MIND.

OH, COME ON, DAD. JUST TELL US.

SILENCE! ANY MORE INSOLENCE FROM YOU,

AND I SHALL BE FORCED TO PLUCK A FAIR MAIDEN FROM YOUR VILLAGE

AND HAVE MY WAY WITH HER.

BUT, MR. KYLE...

THAT'S IT. COME, VIRGIN MOTHER OF THREE.

YOU MUST PAY FOR THE IGNORANCE OF THY CHILDREN.

BUT I SAIDETH NOTHING, DEAR SIR.

YOU WILL SCREAM AND YELL AND BEG FOR MERCY!

WHOO!

FOR ABOUT THREE MINUTES.

WE SHALL RETURN. [ CHUCKLES ]

COME.

[ PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ APPLAUSE ] WOW, THAT WAS GREAT!

YOU ACTUALLY PLAYED THREE NOTES THIS TIME, KADY!

I KNOW. SHE'S IMPROVING AT AN ASTOUNDING RATE.

WILL I EVER BE AS GOOD AS YOU ARE, FRANKLIN?

YES, YOU COULD BE, BUT TWO THINGS WOULD HAVE TO HAPPEN...

NUMBER ONE, YOU'D HAVE TO PRACTICE REALLY HARD,

AND NUMBER TWO, THEY'D HAVE TO FIND A CURE FOR DEATH,

WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, I'M WORKING ON AS WE SPEAK.

REALLY? HAVE YOU MADE ANY PROGRESS?

YES, ACTUALLY. I HAVE A 4-YEAR-OLD FRUIT FLY.

[ LAUGHS ]

AS IF A FRUIT FLY COULD LIVE FOR FOUR YEARS!

[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]

THAT WOULD BE PREPOSTEROUS!

IS THERE AN ENTOMOLOGIST IN THE HOUSE?

COME ON, Y'ALL, HELP A BROTHER OUT.

ANYHOO...

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO NOW.

I'LL GO WITH YOU. BYE.

BYE.

LOOK, MOM, DAD, DON'T FORGET ABOUT SATURDAY.

WE WON'T. GOOD.

WHAT'S SATURDAY? I DON'T KNOW.

JUNIOR! WHAT'S SATURDAY?

OH, THAT'S THE DAY OF GRANDPARENTS' CHILD-CARE CLASS.

ME AND VANESSA DON'T HAVE TO GO, BUT YOU GUYS DO.

WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO? WE RAISED THREE CHILDREN.

SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, IF MICHAEL KYLE III ENDS UP

LIKE MICHAEL KYLE JR., YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE WITH THAT?

WE'LL BE THERE EARLY.

I THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT. IT'S NEW-SCHOOL THINKING.

MRS. LANE IS UP ON ALL THE LATEST PSYCHOLOGICAL THEORIES.

IT'S REALLY QUITE INTERESTING.

LOOK, I DON'T NEED NO FANCY-SCHMANCY THEORIES

ON HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN.

MR. KYLE, THERE'S A LOT OF NEW INFORMATION

IN THE WORLD OF CHILD-REARING.

AHHHHHHHHH, PHOOEY!

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO RAISE A CHILD,

AND THAT'S WITH SPANKINGS.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT "REARING."

[ Chuckling ] GET IT? "REARING"?

[ LAUGHS ]

AS IF THE REAR END OF A CHILD...

ARE THERE ANY ENTOMOLOGISTS IN THE HOUSE?

COME ON, Y'ALL, HELP A BROTHER OUT.

LOOK, YOU CAN'T SPANK A CHILD FOR EVERYTHING.

WHY NOT? MY FATHER SPANKED ME FOR EVERYTHING.

MY FATHER WOULD SPANK ME

FOR ANSWERING QUESTIONS THAT HE ASKED ME.

WHAT? THAT'S CRAZY.

BUT THAT WAS MY FATHER.

OKAY, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

"HOW YOU DOIN', SON?" "I'M GOOD."

"DON'T SAY 'GOOD' ANYMORE!"

"GO TO YOUR ROOM." "OKAY."

"DON'T SAY 'OKAY.'"

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA, VANESSA.

NOW, ARE YOUR PARENTS GOING?

THEY'RE BOTH EXCITED ABOUT IT.

YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT GOING.

I DON'T NEED TO GO BECAUSE ALL OF MY CHILDREN TURNED OUT FINE.

[ Chuckling ] WHOA, THAT GRAVITY'S CRAZY, Y'ALL.

WHOO!

TWO OUT OF THREE.

HEY, MOM, HAVE YOU SEEN MY... OOH!

[ Panting ] WHOA, THAT GRAVITY'S CRAZY, Y'ALL.

WHAT TIME'S THAT CLASS?

UH-HUH.

OH, THESE PEOPLE ARE OLD IN HERE.

OH, COME ON, MICHAEL, THEY'RE NOT THAT OLD.

AAAAHH! AHH!

CLEAR!

AHH!

I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.

HE'S GOOD, HE'S GOOD, HE'S GOOD.

[ Singsong voice ] WELCOME, GRANDPARENTS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THE PURPOSE OF THIS CLASS IS TO FAMILIARIZE YOU

WITH THE LATEST CHILD-CARE METHODS,

AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE, YOU WILL RECEIVE THIS CERTIFICATE

MAKING YOU A CERTIFIED GRANDPARENT.

OKAY, NOW, THE ROLE OF THE GRANDPARENT

HAS CHANGED SIGNIFICANTLY IN THE LAST FEW YEARS.

FOR INSTANCE, IT IS NO LONGER BELIEVED

THAT CORPORAL PUNISHMENT IS AN EFFECTIVE WAY

OF DISCIPLINING THE CHILD.

HA!

OH, YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT VIEW, MR. KYLE?

YEAH, WELL, I'M A LITTLE OLD-FASHIONED.

I STILL BELIEVE THAT YOU SPARE THE ROD, YOU SPOIL THE CHILD.

THAT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE BIBLE.

WELL, A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE BIBLICAL TIMES, MR. KYLE.

WE HAVE AUTOMOBILES INSTEAD OF OXEN. [ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, BUT WE STILL HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF ASSES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND NOW WE COME TO THE CRYING BABY.

BOO-HOO, WHAT YOU GONNA DO? [ LAUGHS ]

WELL, THE CURRENT, MODERN-DAY THINKING

INCLUDES A VARIED METHODOLOGY, INCLUDING THE FOUR "S's"...

THERE'S SWADDLING...

HA!

...SIDE-STOMACH POSITION...

HA!

...SWINGING...

HA!

...AND SHUSHING!

HA.

[ SIGHS ]

MRS. LANE, LISTEN...

NOW WHAT, MR. KYLE, NOW WHAT?

I HAPPEN TO HAVE THE ONLY FOOLPROOF METHOD

OF STOPPING A CRYING BABY.

HE ACTUALLY REALLY DOES.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU SHARE IT WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS?

NO CAN DO.

IT'S AN ANCIENT FAMILY SECRET,

AND I'D HAVE TO KILL YOU FIRST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, THEN, WHY DON'T I JUST CONTINUE

WITH THE NEWER, PROVEN TECHNIQUES,

SUCH AS AROMATHERAPY?

[ INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES DEEPLY ]

YEAH, YEAH.

NATURAL-LIGHT IMMERSION. AH, AH, AH.

AND THE MILKING BRASSIERE.

THE MILKING BRASSIERE?

WHAT KIND OF... ...FOOLISHNESS?

MR. KYLE, DO YOU MIND COMING UP

AND DEMONSTRATING IT FOR THE CLASS?

I UTTERLY DO MIND. [udderly]

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT KIND OF BOOB DO YOU THINK I AM?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

[ CHUCKLES ] I KIND OF LIKE IT.

THEY FEEL FUNNY.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHOO! HEY! [ LAUGHS ]

GOT HIM IN THE EYE!

WATCH WHERE YOU'RE SQUIRTING THAT THING, HUH!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

STOP IT, GENTLEMEN! GENTLEMEN, STOP IT!

THE BREAST IS NOT A TOY! THE BREAST IS NOT A TOY!

AAAH!

STOP IT! STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU!

AAAAAHH!

GOT MILK, BABY!

AND NOW, IT'S TIME FOR GRANDPA DIAPERING.

ME FIRST!

OH, NO, NO, DEAR. NOT YOU.

I JUST CHANGED YOU BEFORE WE LEFT THE HOUSE.

OH, I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.

HE'S GOOD, HE'S GOOD. THANK GOD, HE'S GOOD.

WOW, THESE DIAPERS ARE KIND OF FULL.

HMM.

THAT'S CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU, THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO REMOVE THE DIRTY DIAPER,

CLEAN THE BABY, AND PUT A FRESH DIAPER ON.

I'VE BEEN CHANGING DIAPERS FOR YEARS.

I'M GOING TO BE GOOD AT THIS.

I'M GOING TO WIN.

THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO BEAT ME.

I BET YOU I DO. I BET YOU WON'T.

OH, GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, LISTEN TO ME.

OH, STOP IT NOW. THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION.

AND GO!

OKAY.

YEAH, SEE? GOT THAT OFF RIGHT THERE.

NOW GET...

GIVE ME THE POWDER! GIVE ME THE POWDER!

NO, NO, YOU WON'T. NO, YOU WON'T!

TEACH, HE'S CHEATING! HE'S CHEATING!

HELP, HELP!

HEY, HEY!

I WIN! I WIN!

I THOUGHT THIS WASN'T A CONTEST.

I LIED. HERE'S A TROPHY.

WHOO!

YES, INDEEDY, HE'S A BETTER GRANDPAPA THAN YOU.

HOW CAN HE WIN?

HE SPIKED THE BABY, AND HE LICKED ALL THE PUDDING OFF!

WELL, WE LIKE TO ENCOURAGE ENTHUSIASM.

HE'S DONE A WONDERFUL JOB.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. ISN'T THIS RIDICULOUS?

YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THIS ALL AFTERNOON, MR. KYLE.

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S BEEN TRUE ALL AFTERNOON.

MICHAEL, WILL YOU STOP IT? YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M AFRAID TO SAY THIS.

I HAVE TO SAY THIS.

YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON EVER TO FAIL THIS CLASS.

YOU WILL NOT, SIR, BE RECEIVING A CERTIFICATE.

SO WHAT? I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID CERTIFICATE.

I WON THIS BEST GRANDFATHER TROPHY!

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT, EITHER. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU COULDN'T PAY ME TO TAKE A STUPID CERTIFICATE

OR ONE OF THOSE...

THAT IS A NICE TROPHY, BUT STILL,

YOU COULDN'T PAY ME TO TAKE ONE.

FINE.

NO, FINE, FINE.

MICHAEL, THE KIDS ARE NOT GONNA BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

OH, IT'S JUST A PIECE OF PAPER, JAY.

NOBODY'S GONNA CARE ABOUT THAT.

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU TWO HEADED?

OH, WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES.

WITH THE BABY? WHAT IF HE STARTS CRYING?

ACTUALLY, WE'RE GONNA DROP HIM OFF AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY OVER THERE.

JUST LEAVE HIM HERE WITH ME. I'LL WATCH HIM. MNH-MNH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? MNH-MNH.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME THE BABY?

YOU'RE MAKING THE BABY DIZZY.

NO, WE CAN'T DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

WELL, BECAUSE MOM IS AT CLASS, AND THAT JUST LEAVES YOU HERE,

AND YOU'RE NOT...

I'M NOT WHAT? WHAT'S ALL THAT?

MMM.

WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT CERTIFIED, DAD.

MMM.

COME ON. HE TRIED TO PUT HIS UNCERTIFIED HANDS ON YOU.

MMM.

MMM!

HEY, EVERYBODY.

HELLO, MR. KYLE. HI, DADDY.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WE'RE GOING TO A PICNIC AT THE PARK.

OOH, GOODY! I LOVE PICNICS.

DID YOU PACK THOSE LITTLE PICKLES I LIKE?

NO, I DIDN'T PACK THOSE.

WELL, WHAT'S A PICNIC WITHOUT THE BABY GHERKINS?

THOSE LITTLE...

UM... I DIDN'T PACK THEM, MICHAEL, 'CAUSE YOU'RE...

YOU CAN'T COME.

NO, YEAH, NO, YOU CAN'T... MNH-MNH, YOU CAN'T COME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T COME?

NO, BABY, THIS IS A PICNIC

FOR THE GRADUATES OF THE CHILD-CARE CENTER,

AND YOU'RE, YOU KNOW, YOU DIDN'T GRADUATE, SO...

OH, PLEASE!

COME ON, KADY, HELP MOMMY PACK THE CAR.

[ Singsong voice ] WE'RE GOING ON A PICNIC.

COME ON, FRANKLIN, HELP US.

I WOULD, BUT I CAN'T RISK INJURING MY HANDS.

YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?

OF COURSE I UNDERSTAND.

I KNOW HOW VALUABLE YOUR HANDS ARE.

OW!

SHE'S SO CLEVER!

YOU'RE SO WHIPPED. [ CHUCKLES ]

LOOK, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS, FRANKLIN.

THIS WAS JUST A 3-HOUR CLASS.

A 3-HOUR CLASS CAN'T MAKE YOU A GRADUATE OF ANYTHING.

I BEG TO DIFFER WITH YOU, MR. KYLE.

I RECEIVED MY DOCTORATE IN ASTROPHYSICS

IN 2 HOURS AND 11 SECONDS,

AND I LEFT WATCHING THOSE MORONS FROM YALE

SQUIRM IN THEIR SEATS.

MAN, THAT WAS A GOOD DAY.

WELL, FRANKLIN, THIS WASN'T ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

THIS WAS SOME CRAZY KOOK TRYING TO CHANGE

GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED CHILD-REARING

WITH SOME NEWFANGLED NONSENSE.

LIKE WHAT?

SOME JUNK CALLED LIGHT-IMMERSION THERAPY, FOR ONE.

AH, YES. I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS WELL.

[ Sighing ] IT SEEMS LIKE IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY

THAT I LAY NUDE IN MY INCUBATION CHAMBER,

FRESHLY CIRCUMCISED,

WHILE BEING BATHED IN THE VARIED LIGHTS OF THE COLOR SPECTRUM.

IT WAS DELICIOUS.

SOUNDS VERY WEIRD TO ME.

WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE STUCK IN THE PAST, MR. KYLE.

LOOK, SPANKINGS GO BACK TO BIBLICAL TIMES.

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT YOUR ANTIQUATED VIEWS

REGARDING CHILD-REARING ARE TOUCHED TO INTREPIDATION

WHEN VENTURING INTO THE UNKNOWN?

IT IS EASIER TO HOLD ON TO THE FAMILIAR

RATHER THAN EMBRACE THE VULNERABILITY

THAT ONE EXPERIENCES WHEN LAUNCHING TOWARDS SOMETHING NEW.

AH, PHOOEY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID,

BUT I'M SURE IT DESERVES A SPANKING.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. SPANKING'S COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?

WELL, I KNOW I'VE GOT MY CERTIFICATE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND I THINK UNTIL YOU GET YOUR CERTIFICATE,

YOU BEST STAY AWAY FROM MY GRANDCHILD.

I WOULDN'T WANT ANY ACCIDENTS TO HAPPEN.

WHAT, TO THE BABY?

NO, TO YOU... IF YOU HURT THAT BABY.

I'M NOT GOING TO HURT THE BABY.

NO, BUT...

YOU BABY-SCHOOL DROPOUT.

HMPH.

BABY, DID A GOOD JOB, DIDN'T YOU?

DIDN'T YOU? I DID A LITTLE GOOD JOB, TOO.

I GET A LITTLE SNACK. [ LAUGHS ]

MMM, THAT'S DELICIOUS. ONE FOR YOU, AND ONE FOR ME.

[ Chuckling ] THAT IS SO GOOD. MMM.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE NONE TO PUT IN YOUR DIAPER SOON.

I'M GOING TO EAT THIS WHOLE THING.

TASTES GOOD GOING DOWN.

HI, MRS. LANE.

OH, HELLO, MR. KYLE. [ LAUGHS ]

COME ON IN. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M DOING GREAT.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, BEFORE I GET DOWN TO BUSINESS, I JUST WANT TO KNOW,

HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, SEXY,

DAMN-NEAR PERFECT...

[ CHUCKLES ]

...SCULPTURED WOMAN THAT YOU ARE?

OH, REALLY?

IT'S AS IF YOU WERE IN THE LIGHT-IMMERSION THERAPY

ALL DAY LONG.

WHOO. YOU JUST GLOW.

OKAY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

OH.

WELL, I WAS JUST KIND OF IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, YOU KNOW?

AND I WAS JUST KIND OF WONDERING IF MAYBE YOU COULD...

MAYBE YOU COULD JUST TOSS ME

ONE OF THEM LITTLE CERTIFICATES THAT YOU GOT AROUND HERE.

I CAN'T TOSS YOU ONE OF THOSE CERTIFICATES

UNLESS YOU RETAKE THE CLASS AND PASS.

OKAY, FINE, WHEN'S THE NEXT CLASS? NEXT MONTH.

I CAN'T BE WITHOUT MY GRANDCHILD FOR A WHOLE MONTH.

NOBODY WILL LET ME NEAR THE BABY UNLESS I HAVE A CERTIFICATE.

THEY SHOULDN'T. YOU'RE NOT CERTIFIED.

MMM.

LOOK, CAN'T WE REACH SOME SORT OF COMPROMISE?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD BE.

I DON'T KNOW.

SUPPOSE I WAS TO PICK UP THE BABY

AND JUST SHAKE HIM A LITTLE AND...

WHOA, LOOK AT THAT...

$100 BILL FELL RIGHT OUT OF HIS DIAPER.

MR. KYLE, ARE YOU TRYING TO BRIBE ME?

WELL, I'M NOT TRYING TO BRIBE YOU, BUT LET ME ASK THE BABY.

LET ME SHAKE HIM AND SEE... WHOA!

LOOK AT THAT! HERE, THE BABY JUST GOT ASSETS.

IT'S JUST SOME BOOTY TREASURE... FULL OF BOOTY TREASURE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING...

IT WOULD BE IRRESPONSIBLE OF ME TO TAKE THAT MONEY

TO SAY THAT YOU PASSED A COURSE THAT YOU DIDN'T.

LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE CLASS, ALL RIGHT?

BUT I JUST DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TELL ME HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN.

I RAISED THREE OF MY OWN, AND THEY TURNED OUT FINE.

I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU... JUN..IOR.

JUNIOR, TOKAY, OKAY.ATHERAPY HERE YOU GO, BOY.

SMELL THE SWEET AROMA OF MIDNIGHT DEW.

WHAT'S NEXT ON THE LIST? LIGHT IMMERSION.

OKAY, LET'S TRY THAT.

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.

BOY, GET THE LIGHT OUT THE BABY'S FACE!

AND WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT TUPAC WAS SHOT, HMM?

IF YOU DON'T GET THAT LIGHT OUT OF MY FACE,

I'M GOING TO KICK YOU.

YOU KNOW, THE SOOTHING SOUNDS OF MOZART

HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO CALM THE SAVAGE BEAST.

MAYBE IT CAN HELP HERE.

OH, GIVE IT A TRY, FRANKLIN.

NOTHING ELSE SEEMS TO WORK.

[ MOZART'S PIANO SONATA IN "A" PLAYS ]

HE DOESN'T SEEM TO LIKE IT.

EVERYONE'S A CRITIC!

OKAY, GUYS, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

WE HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING,

AND NOTHING WILL STOP THE BABY FROM CRYING.

OH, I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE TRY TO OUT-NOISE THE BABY?

OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.

COME ON, EVERYBODY.

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

HEY, BOY, SHUT UP!

WELL, WELL, WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

DO THE TRICK! DO THE TRICK!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT.

MICHAEL, THE BABY HAS BEEN CRYING FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS NOW.

YOU GOT TO TURN HIM OFF, PLEASE!

DAD, LOOK, WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING ON THE LIST.

HELP US, MR. KYLE, HELP US.

PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP, DADDY!

WELL, I WOULD LOVE TO HELP YOU GUYS OUT, BUT... I CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

I'M NOT CERTIFIED.

MMM.

COME ON, MICHAEL, STOP PLAYING.

WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

LOOK, HAVE YOU TRIED SHOWING HIM YOUR CERTIFICATE?

MAYBE THE BABY DOESN'T KNOW THAT ALL THESE THINGS

THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING HAVE BEEN TRIED BY EXPERTS.

OKAY, STOP. WE GET IT.

YOU PROVED YOUR POINT. YOU'RE RIGHT. WE'RE WRONG.

WELL, I HAVEN'T HEARD AN APOLOGY YET, SO I'LL JUST BE UPSTAIRS...

WE'RE SORRY! WE'RE SORRY!

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

AN APOLOGY IS REALLY NOT AN APOLOGY

UNTIL SOMEONE IS DOWN ON THEIR KNEES.

I'M NOT DOING ALL THAT. I'M TOO OLD FOR ALL THAT, OKAY?

OKAY, I'LL JUST GO UPSTAIRS.

I'M ON MY KNEES! SORRY, SORRY!

OKAY.

YOU GUYS GO OUT OF HERE SO I CAN DO MY MAGIC IN PRIVACY.

COME ON, STOP CRYING.

I KNOW HE'S MAD.

I KNOW WHY.

HERE, NOW, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE.

YOU LAY DOWN HERE.

I'LL TAKE YOUR LEGS AND PUT THEM TO YOUR STOMACH, AND LET'S SEE.

[ FARTS ] YEAH!

LOOK AT THE SMILE!

HE'S SMILING!

OKAY, NOW, LET'S PLAY A LITTLE TUNE.

THERE MUST BE MORE.

[ FARTING ]

OH, EASY, GRANDSON, EASY.

OH, HE'S LATCHING ON SO WELL.

I FEEL SUCH A CONNECTION.

OOH, OOH, OOH! DON'T BITE, DON'T BITE!

YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING THAT YOU PROBABLY

WILL NEVER HEAR ME SAY AGAIN... I WAS WRONG.

[ CHUCKLES ]

VERY FUNNY.

WHAT WERE YOU WRONG ABOUT?

WELL, MRS. LANE...

EVERYTHING SHE SAID WASN'T COMPLETE CRAP.

I MEAN, THIS MAN-BRA THING IS PRETTY COOL.

WOW, I AM SO GLAD TO SEE

YOU'VE COME OUT OF THE DARK AGES THERE, GRANDPA.

I'M SORRY I EVER DOUBTED YOU, MR. KYLE.

YEAH, DAD.

CERTIFICATE OR NOT, I ALWAYS KNEW YOU'D BE A GREAT GRANDDAD.

I MEAN, WHY NOT? YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A GREAT DAD.

OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.

COME HERE. GIVE YOUR DAD A HUG.

I LOVE YOU, DAD. I LOVE YOU, TOO.

WHOA, WHOA. SLOW DOWN, BOY, SLOW DOWN.

YEAH, YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I CAN'T DO IT.

YEAH, RIGHT THERE.

OOH, SLOW DOWN, BOY, SLOW DOWN.

OW, OH, SLOW DOWN, BOY, SLOW DOWN.

OH, HE REALLY LOVES HIS GRANDPA'S BOOBY.

[ Chuckling ] LISTEN, I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING THAT YOU...

[ LAUGHTER ]