Original subtitles

LAST TIME ON "MY WIFE AND KIDS"...

"TO MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND... YOU HAVE BEEN ENROLLED

IN MICHAEL JORDAN FANTASY CAMP IN LAS VEGAS, NEVADA"?

I'M GOING TO JORDAN CAMP!

OH, THAT'S GREAT! I LOVE VEGAS!

WE CAN'T GO, HONEY. BUT AS THE MAN...

WE CAN'T GO!

Do you realize what's in Vegas?

YES, WHORES AND LIQUOR.

No! There's wedding chapels. We could get married!

IT MAY NOT BE SUCH A BAD IDEA TO TAKE FRANKLIN ALONG.

I CAN COVER MY EXPENSES BY SIMPLY BOOKING

A SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT AT HOOVER DAM.

AND... HEH HEH... I'M SOMETHING OF A CELEBRITY

AMONG THE DAM FOOLS.

HEY, LOOK, THERE'S JUNIOR AND TONY.

WHAT KIND OF FOOLISHNESS...

HI, GUYS.

HI, CHECKING IN TO THE FANTASY CAMP.

MY NAME'S MICHAEL...

[ Foreign accent ] JORDAN! WHERE? MICHAEL?!

SUCKER! MADE YOU SEE.

I'M CHECKING IN... BOB SLOVADONAPOPOVICH.

KYLE. K-Y-L-E. KYLE.

DON'T HAVE YOUR NAME HERE, SIR.

DON'T MESS WITH ME, MAN!

THE LAST PERSON WHO GOT IN THIS YEAR

WAS A MR. BOB SLOVADONAPOPOVICH.

DAMN, THAT BOB SLOP...

BONADOVAPOP...

POPOVICH.

YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GONNA DO?

I TOLD YOU, I'M GOING TO THE SPA,

AND I'M GONNA RECLINE IN THE LAP OF LUXURY.

NO SLOT MACHINES.

COME ON, BABE, THAT'S THE LAST THING ON MY MIND!

[ WHISTLING ]

FRANKLIN! GET OVER HERE!

HEY, MRS. KYLE.

HEY, HEY, HEY, WHERE ARE YOU ON YOUR WAY TO?

I'M OFF TO SEE THE DAM FOOLS.

FRANKLIN, NOW, I NEED YOU A LITTLE MORE THAN THEY DO.

FRANKLIN, IT'S THAT BLACKJACK.

I'M IN SO DEEP, FRANKLIN.

MICHAEL IS GONNA KILL ME!

BUT MRS. KYLE, CAN'T YOU REMEMBER MY BLACKJACK SYSTEM?

NO, FRANKLIN, IT'S TOO COMPLICATED!

IT COULDN'T BE SIMPLER.

WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT A SERIES OF LOGARITHMIC CALCULATIONS

BASED ON NUMERICAL PROGRESSIONS

RISING IN A FINITE COMBINATION OF CARDS

BASED ON A 52-CARD DECK?

BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST SAID!

LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN TO ME GOOD, OKAY?

IF YOU EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER WANT TO SEE KADY AGAIN...

OH, YEAH, I SAID IT.

SAY IT AGAIN.

IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE KADY AGAIN, THEN YOU'LL HELP ME.

WE HAVE A DEAL. BUT HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED IN THE CASINOS.

SEE, I PREPARED FOR THIS, FRANKLIN.

[ LAUGHS ] THIS IS WHERE MY GENIUS COMES IN.

I HAVE A PLAN.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER CARD?

UM, HMM. WHAT DO YOU THINK, HONEY?

[ Southern accent ] I RECKON

YOU SHOULD TAKE ANOTHER HIT, LITTLE LADY.

[ LAUGHS ]

EXCUSE ME, SIR, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME,

YOU OBSTREPEROUS, YOUNG RAPSCALLION!

[ LAUGHS ]

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

58.

BOTOX.

LOOK, KID...

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LOITER AT THE CASINO TABLES.

EXCUSE ME. I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

THIS OLD BLADDER AIN'T AS STRONG AS SHE USED TO BE.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU HAVE 14. DO YOU WANT A HIT?

I HAVE 14.

DO I WANT A HIT?

TAKE THE HIT.

OH, WHAT A SWEET, LITTLE BABY OVER HERE!

THAT'S JUST A SWEET BABY.

HEY, KID, I TOLD YOU TO KEEP MOVING.

GOO-GOO, GAGA!

GET OUT!

GOO-GOO, GOTTA GO!

UH, SIR, HIT ME.

21! WHOO!

[ SIGHS ] I HAVE 18, AND THE DEALER HAS 3.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

STAY!

I'LL STAY.

HOUSE BUSTS.

YOU WIN AGAIN.

YES, I DO!

[ LAUGHS ] UNHAND ME, YOU BRUTES!

I WANT MY LAWYER!

[ SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

HEY! HEY! HEY!

[ SCUFFLING ]

[ IMITATING SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

TONY! WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?

THEY STOLE THEM!

AT THE CHRISTIAN HOSTEL?

YEAH, THEY EVEN TOOK MY "WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?" BRACELET.

WHO WOULD DO A THING LIKE THAT? WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE?

HUH, HUH, HUH?! WHERE DO YOU DRAW IT?! HUH?!

TONY, I'M SORRY.

LISTEN, I'M ANGRY, BUT I'M GLAD,

'CAUSE AFTER TONIGHT,

I'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO RID MYSELF

OF SOME OF THESE SEEDS OF EVIL.

GREAT. LET'S GET ON WITH THIS.

HELLO? IS ANYONE THERE?

CAN I HELP YOU FOLKS?

HI, ARE YOU THE REVEREND?

I'M REVEREND AL.

OH, WELL, HI. I'M TONY, AND THIS IS CLAIRE.

OH, NICE TO MEET YOU YOUNG FOLKS.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CLOTHES, SON?

THEY WERE ACTUALLY STOLEN DOWN AT THE CHRISTIAN HOSTEL.

OH, I USED TO MINISTER DOWN AT THE CHRISTIAN HOSTEL.

I'M AFRAID LATELY IT'S A LOT MORE HOSTILE THAN CHRISTIAN.

BUT HOW CAN I HELP YOU FINE, YOUNG PEOPLE?

ACTUALLY, WE'D LIKE TO GET MARRIED.

OF COURSE.

YOU DON'T WANT A NICE, BIG WEDDING,

WHERE YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS COME

AND THROW ALL THAT RICE AND MONEY AT YOU.

FORGET ABOUT THE GORGEOUS GOWN AND TUXEDO.

YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED IN YOUR DOLPHIN UNDIES

IN MY TINY, ROACH-INFESTED CHAPEL.

IT WILL PREPARE YOU

FOR YOUR TINY, ROACH-INFESTED APARTMENT,

WHERE YOU'LL RAISE MALNOURISHED, IGNORANT BABIES

AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL BODY

STRETCH OUT AND PULL DOWN

AND DRY UP.

AND I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOUNG MAN.

WELL, COME ON, LET'S GO IN THE BACK,

AND LET'S GET THIS DONE.

UH, M-MAYBE WE SHOULD WAIT.

WHY DO THE BABIES HAVE TO BE IGNORANT?

GEE, I HOPE I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO SCARE YOU OFF.

UH, NO, ACTUALLY, WE WERE JUST LEAVING.

WELL, LET ME SHOW YOU OUT.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE

A "WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?" BRACELET JUST LIKE YOURS.

NO KIDDING?

YEAH, AND IT HAD MY INITIALS, "T.J.," ON IT,

JUST LIKE YOURS.

WELL, THIS ONE STANDS FOR "THANK YOU, JESUS."

[ APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOR MY NEXT TRICK,

I WOULD LIKE TO PERFORM AN ILLUSION ORIGINALLY MADE FAMOUS

BY THE GREAT HARRY HOUDINI...

THE TOMB OF TELEPORTATION.

AND FOR THAT, I'LL NEED AN AUDIENCE VOLUNTEER, PLEASE.

OOH, PICK ME! I WANT TO GO INTO THE TOMB OF TELEPORTATION!

VERY WELL. THE BIG-HEADED YOUNG MAN IN THE BACK.

THAT'S ME! THAT'S ME!

[ APPLAUSE ]

YES, AND YOUR NAME IS? JUNIOR KYLE.

JUNIOR, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

STANFORD, CONNECTICUT.

WELL, THAT'S BORING.

GET IN THE BOX. [ CHUCKLES ]

I WILL NOW TELEPORT THIS MAN

BACK TO A TIME AND PLACE OF HIS CHOOSING.

YOUNG MAN, WHERE IN TIME WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT?

ANY TIME, ANY PLACE IN ALL OF HISTORY.

ANY TIME AND ANY PLACE?

LET YOUR IMAGINATION RUN WILD.

OKAY, I WANT TO GO BACK, BACK...

UH-HUH? ...BACK...

...ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE 1:30 BUFFET.

NO, WAIT... 1:00,

THAT'S BEFORE THEY RAN OUT OF SHRIMP.

VERY WELL.

I WILL NOW IGNORE JUNIOR'S REQUEST

TO BE TELEPORTED BACK TO LUNCH.

INSTEAD, I WILL SEND HIM BACK TO THE STONE AGE,

WHERE, PERHAPS, HE WILL MEET SOMEBODY AS SMART AS HIMSELF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YES, AND IT'S SEAM, SEAM, SEAM SALA-BEAM!

SEND JUNIOR BACK THROUGH THE TIMELESS SEAM!

[ APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

[ Laughing ] YES.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD BRING HIM BACK

BEFORE HE GETS EATEN BY A DINOSAUR?

[ Laughing ] ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

JUNIOR, COME ON OUT!

[ GASPS ] [ GASPS ] [ GASPS ]

ALL RIGHT, FOR MY NEXT TRICK, PICK A CARD, ANY CARD.

[ CRYING ]

[ CRYING ]

I'M SO HAPPY, I'M SAD.

ME TOO!

HEY, KADY, BABY, I'M HOME.

HEY, HO... HO... WHOA... HO...

WHO ARE YOU?

OH, HI. YOU MUST BE MRS. KYLE.

THIS IS BAMBI.

BAMBI?

YES, YOUR SON HIRED ME...

TO WATCH KADY.

WHAT KIND OF FOOLISHNESS...

HE SAID HE WANTED TO GO TO THE MAGIC SHOW.

OH, I'M GONNA SHOW HIM SOME MAGIC, ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA MAKE MY FOOT DISAPPEAR.

KADY, BABY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, I'M FINE. WE WATCHED "BAMBI" THREE TIMES.

PARTS OF IT ARE SAD.

YEAH, I KNOW.

BUT FOR ME, IT'S PERSONAL,

BECAUSE MY MOTHER WAS SHOT BY A HUNTER.

YEAH, LOOK, THANK YOU

FOR BABYSITTING MY DAUGHTER AND EVERYTHING.

HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU, PLEASE?

LET'S SEE... THREE HAPPY ENDINGS,

TWO PONY RIDES, AND ONE RING-AROUND-THE-ROSY.

THAT WILL BE...

$900.

$900?!

NOT INCLUDING THE TIP.

YOU WANT $900 PLUS A TIP?!

WELL, THE MONEY DOESN'T GO TO ME.

IT GOES TO EARL.

[ LAUGHS ]

I MEAN... [ CLEARS THROAT ]

..."THE AGENCY."

ALL RIGHT, FRANKLIN, EVERYTHING SHOULD BE FINE.

JUST STAY OUT OF THE CASINO.

THANKS, BOB.

HEY, THAT WAS GREAT THE WAY YOU TWISTED THE MEANING

OF SECTION 29 OF THE PENAL CODE.

YOU TAUGHT ME THAT TRICK, FRANKLIN.

I DID, DIDN'T I?

WELL, ANYWAY, THANKS AGAIN, BOB.

DON'T MENTION IT. I OWE YOU ONE, PAL.

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR LATE-NIGHT TUTORING SESSIONS,

I NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN YOU-KNOW-WHO OFF.

EXCUSE ME! HELLO!

CAN I HELP YOU FOLKS?

YES, WE'RE LOOKING FOR OUR SON.

DUMB, BIG HEAD, STANFORD, CONNECTICUT?

THAT'S HIM. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?

YES, ACTUALLY, I MADE HIM DISAPPEAR.

I NEED YOU TO BRING HIM BACK

SO I CAN BEAT HIS BEHIND.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET HIM BACK.

THERE'S A MALFUNCTION IN THE ILLUSION.

PERHAPS I CAN HELP.

YEAH, YOU KNOW ABOUT ILLUSIONS?

I'M ACTUALLY 7 FEET TALL.

HOW DO YOU DO IT? MIRRORS?

NO, BLACKTOP, THE TRUTH IS,

I HAVE QUITE A BIT OF EXPERIENCE

WITH PRESTIDIGITATION.

HONEY! WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

IT MEANS "MAGIC," MY DOVE.

I ONCE PERFORMED THE FLOATING-MAN ILLUSION

FOR THE QUEEN.

ELIZABETH?

NO... LATIFAH.

BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

ALLOW ME TO COGITATE.

OH, HE'S GOOD AT THIS.

WHICH DIRECTION DID YOU SPIN THE BOX

TO MAKE HIM DISAPPEAR?

COUNTERCLOCKWISE.

FEAR NOT!

NOW, SPIN IT CLOCKWISE.

KEEP SPINNING, KEEP SPINNING, KEEP SPINNING.

STOP! RIGHT THERE.

RUN! THERE'S A PTERODACTYL ATTACKING!

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!

WITHOUT GIVING AWAY THE SECRETS OF THE ILLUSION,

JUNIOR'S HEAD WAS SO BIG

THAT IT GOT LODGED IN THE MECHANISM.

OH, I WAS SO SCARED BACK THERE.

WAIT TILL I GET YOU BACK TO THE ROOM.

WHAT DID I DO?!

WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT BAMBI, THE HOOKER,

AND HOW YOU PLAN ON PAYING HER $900, JUNIOR?

$900?

YEAH, $900.

WOW, THAT'S A LOT.

FOR $900, I SURE HOPE SHE DID A LITTLE MISS MUFFETT,

A COUPLE OF HUMPTY DUMPTIES,

AND A COW JUMPED OVER THE MOON... MMM!

Jackson: HEY, FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY,

YOU OUGHT TO GET TWO HEY, DIDDLE, DIDDLES,

ONE RUMPELSTILTSKIN, A RUB-A-DUB-DUB,

AND THREE MEN IN A TUB.

DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

YEAH.

THIS IS SO COOL!

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU GET TO SEE THIS.

IF THERE WAS AN EARLIER FLIGHT, YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT STILL, HOW MANY KIDS

GET TO WATCH THEIR DAD KICK MICHAEL JORDAN'S BUTT?

YEAH, BUT DAD'S GONNA WIN BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO...

Together: SPIN TO THE LEFT AND TAKE JORDAN TO THE HOOP.

Announcer: AND NOW, FROM NORTH CAROLINA...

NUMBER 23... MICHAEL JORDAN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND FROM THE NEWLY FORMED REBEL REPUBLIC

OF HANZAKHSTAKALAN, BOB SLOVADONAPOPOVICH!

YES!

BOB SLOVADONAPOPA... WHO?

HEY, ARE THOSE MY SHOES?

UH, NO, I GOT THESE FROM THE JORDAN STORE

IN THE REBEL REPUBLIC OF KOLERBOBASTAPADON.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S PLAY.

I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR THIS.

SEE, THAT'S THE TRIPLE THREAT.

MMM!

OOOH!

YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT... WHOA!

NEXT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WAIT! YOU DIDN'T LET ME GET READY!

NEXT!

WAIT!

NEXT.

LET ME JUST PLAY YOU. I GOT THIS SPECIAL MOVE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO PLAY TO? PLAY TO 10.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT THE BALL FIRST.

WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR.

I GOT THE BALL FIRST.

READY? I'M READY. YOU READY?

DROP THE BALL.

ALL RIGHT.

[ GROWLS ]

OHH!

1.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

DO IT WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED, AND I'M IMPRESSED.

2.

I WASN'T PLAYING "D."

I WASN'T PLAY "D." HERE IT IS.

THAT'S THAT JOE DUMAR "D." LOOK AT IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

3-0.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

4-0.

YOU CAN'T SHOOT FROM RIGHT THERE.

THAT AIN'T YOUR SPOT.

5-0.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT AIN'T YOUR SPOT.

YOU AIN'T GOT NO SPOT THERE.

[ GRUNTS ]

6-0.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHAT ELSE?

[ GASPS ]

AAH!

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S 3-2.

7-0.

8-0.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GO AHEAD.

LUCKY SHOTS... LUCKY EIGHT SHOTS.

LUCKY EIGHT SHOTS.

9-0.

IS SOMEONE TIRED?

NO.

OKAY.

FADEAWAY.

OH!

YOU SEE THAT DEFENSE. YEAH.

ALL DEFENSE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NEXT.

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M LEAVING THIS CAMP.

WHY?

BECAUSE MY SECRET MOVE DIDN'T EVEN WORK ON YOU.

SO, YOU'RE GONNA QUIT? YEAH.

IF YOU QUIT RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE GONNA QUIT IN LIFE.

COME ON, DON'T QUIT. JUST TRY HARDER.

I JUST WANTED ONE BUCKET!

I'M SORRY, BOB... UH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

IT'S MIKE...

JUST LIKE YOURS.

[ LAUGHS ] EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE LIKE MIKE.

GOOD LUCK, KID.

I'LL NEVER WASH...

[ SNIFFS ]

YEAH, MAYBE I SHOULD WASH IT AGAIN.

[ WHIMPERING ]

I'M HEADED TO THE AIRPORT, DAD.

OKAY, SON.

HAVE A GOOD FLIGHT.

ARE YOU OKAY, DAD?

YEAH, I'M GREAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE TAKING THIS VERY WELL.

IT'S JUST A GAME, HUH?

AND LOOK... I WON A TROPHY.

I CAME IN SECOND...

TO LAST.

THAT'S 23rd PLACE. THAT'S HIS FAVORITE NUMBER.

WOW, DAD. THAT WOULD MAKE A GREAT KEYCHAIN.

YEAH, SO, I SAW YOU TALKING TO JORDAN AFTERWARDS.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

NOTHING.

HE WAS JUST COMPLIMENTING ME ON HOW GOOD I PLAYED...

YOU KNOW, MY AGGRESSIVENESS.

HE WANTED ME TO TEACH HIM THE SPIN MOVE.

NO, YOU KNOW, HE'LL TAKE THAT,

AND HE'LL PATENT IT AND CALL THE SHOE THE "SPINDNAL."

YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, SON?

HAVE YOU MADE ANY DECISIONS YET?

OR ARE YOU STILL THINKING ABOUT QUITTING FATHERHOOD?

WELL, I'M STILL SCARED, DAD.

THE WHOLE REASON WHY I CAME TO LAS VEGAS

WAS I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE THE BABY GET HIS SHOTS.

I COULDN'T STAND TO HEAR HIM CRYING.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS FATHER THING.

OF COURSE YOU CAN, BECAUSE YOU'RE MY SON.

AND IN YOUR HEART, YOU'RE A TRUE CHAMPION,

AND CHAMPIONS DON'T QUIT.

SEE, IF YOU QUIT NOW, YOU'RE GONNA QUIT IN LIFE,

AND QUITTERS NEVER WIN.

SEE, YOU GOT TO BE ABLE TO LOSE IN ORDER TO WIN,

SO JUST DON'T QUIT.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, DAD.

I CAN'T QUIT NOW.

IF I QUIT NOW, THEN I'LL ALWAYS BE A LOSER,

SO I NEED TO FOCUS ON WINNING AT THE IMPORTANT STUFF,

LIKE LOVING VANESSA AND LOVING MY SON.

HELLO, SON.

HOW'S DADDY'S BOY?

HOW'S DADDY'S BOY DOING?

LOOK, YOU ARE HEADING

IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, SON, OKAY?

YOU HAVE YOUR BRASS RING.

SPEAKING OF RINGS...

LOOK AT THAT... BAM!

WOW. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

MICHAEL JORDAN GAVE IT TO ME.

HE JUST GAVE IT TO YOU?

YEP, BECAUSE I WAS DETERMINED, AND I DIDN'T QUIT.

AND I GAVE HIM $15,000.

WOW. WHEN YOU DIE, CAN I HAVE THAT?

IF YOU DON'T MIND DIGGING.

I DON'T, DAD.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME, SON.

I LOVE YOU, DAD.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

HEY, DAD, WHEN I GROW UP,

I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOU.

EVERYBODY WANT TO BE LIKE MIKE.

WHO'S THIS? WHO'S THIS?

FOUL!

MY BALL.

REACH. I'LL TEACH.

YOU REACH, I'LL TEACH.

THAT'S TRAVELING.

YOU SURE? NO.

HOW THAT'S TRAVELING?

TRAVELING... YOU KNOW WHAT TRAVELING IS? NO.

TRAVELING. MY BALL.

THERE AIN'T NO REFS OUT HERE.

I'M A REF. IT'S MY CAMP, DUDE.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU REACH, AND I DRIBBLE THE BALL.

OW!

UGH!

OH!

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT!

YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT!

TAKE SOME OF THAT.

HA! HA!