Original subtitles

♪ Well, I don't know why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feeling That something ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪

♪ Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Have you ever not gotten across the border?

I always get across. Sometimes first I go to jail for 10 years.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, there they are!

What the fuck? Where is Frankie?

I don't know who Frankie is,

but Jennifer Nightingale did a Navy SEAL tuck-and-roll back on the other side.

- And you just let her jump out? - I didn't have a choice.

She took Duncan's skateboard and zipped out of there.

Are you serious, dude? I just put those sweet trucks on.

Don't worry. Buy yourself a new one with your money from the powder.

Hey, nice doing business with you! Have a nice day!

Thanks for helping us with the shmo-shmaine!

The ladies room is shockingly clean.

Thank you. It's 'cause I take naps in there.

Elsbeth?

- Hello, Grace. - What?

I know it's you. There's toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

Frankie is in grave danger.

Yeah, she's somewhere in Mexico with no passport or phone.

She's fine. You'll see her in 20 minutes at Tijuana Tony's.

- Why would she go back there? - To eat three huge dessert tacos.

- Okay, thank you, Elsbeth, I gotta... - Oh, wait. Uh...

I got terrible news for Frankie, and I was hoping you could give it to her.

No thanks. She slapped me in the face

when I told her that One Direction was gonna break up.

Yeah, but it's crucial she gets this today.

What could be more important than me finding her?

I had a vision about something happening to Frankie three months from now.

- Tell her in three months. - I can't. Unfortunately it'll be too late.

What, are you dying?

Not me, but you're getting warmer.

Are you telling me Frankie will die?

That would be unprofessional of me. Which is why you'll tell her.

That is just absurd. There is no way that you could know that.

You're right. I'm not that great at this stuff anyway.

- Bless you. - What?

Goddamn it.

You want to start with sudoku or crosswords?

The one that will let me turn the TV back on.

- And why are we doing crosswords? - To boost your memory, remember?

Yes, I remember you telling me we were going to,

and I remember having a witty retort.

- You had a witty retort? - I did.

What was it, then?

Repeat the retort.

I don't want to.

Repeat the retort, Robert.

Fine, I didn't have one. And I remember I didn't have one.

So there's nothing wrong with my memory.

Do you not remember that you couldn't remember the lines

to "Luck Be a Lady"?

I was an actor going up on his lines.

That's even the phrase for it. That's how normal it is.

You put your hat in the fridge.

That was just a guy wanting a cold hat.

- You forgot to turn off the stove today. - You wanna play that game?

How about the time you left the house without pants?

They were shorts. People wear shorts.

Sure, soccer players and French layabouts.

This isn't about me.

Look, I'm going to let you in on a little secret of my brain.

I have an important file and an unimportant file.

The latter is where things go that aren't important to me in the moment.

That is concerning.

But not as concerning as turning off the stove

being in the unimportant file.

It's a fluid system and sometimes there are hiccups.

Okay, then.

So I can assume our anniversary is in the important file?

Of course it is.

I distinctly remember us being married in the hospital at 4:43 p.m. on...

Not our wedding anniversary. The other anniversary.

Our kiss-iversary.

Oh, right. Absolutely.

I just didn't file it under "kiss-iversary"

because I'm not as gay as you.

Great then.

Since I've planned it every year, this year you plan it.

I'd be delighted to.

Which day would you like to celebrate it on?

Oh, just on the right day will be fine.

Great. Sounds like a plan.

Oh, my God.

You are actually here.

You found me.

You're hard to miss.

Thank you.

Come on, eat those tacos.

We've got a carload of Bonida waiting for us on the other side.

Oh, my God, we did it.

A round of salsa for everyone, on me!

We have to get going.

The baby is already in the basket.

One celebratory margarita?

Fine. Only one.

Alfonso!

Si, senora?

Oh. Alfonso's cool now.

I'll have the Terminator.

Ah, we should get going.

We should get going.

- It's getting late. - It's getting late.

Why do you repeat what I'm saying?

I thought you were repeating what I'm saying.

We are in no condition to drive.

Or walk.

If we're not gonna get the Bonida to them tonight,

we should at least take a selfie

to let them see that the mission was accomplished.

Wait.

"Did Grace tell you the thing yet, question mark, sad face."

Did you talk to Elsbeth?

Um... Did I? Yeah, I guess I did.

What'd she say?

I can't even remember my name,

much less what she told me three hours ago.

- I'll give her a call. - Yeah, no. No.

Why not?

She told me something really crazy that's not even worth listening to.

It's a good thing you pay for my international calling.

Yeah. Oh, jeez. Oh, fine.

Put the phone down and I'll tell you.

But remember, this is a stupid, unfounded claim

that has no meaning whatsoever.

Okay.

- She said that... This is according to her. - That you'll die in three months.

Which is absurd.

Oh.

Oh, no, you shouldn't believe it. I mean, I sure don't. She's a loon.

She's already proven herself twice today.

Nobody's right all the time.

What has she ever not been right about?

Ever. One thing.

And don't say "That disallowed U.S.A. goal at the 2010 World Cup."

That ball went in.

All right, all right.

She said you were gonna have three dessert tacos.

And you've only had two. What about that?

Right?

The cook made too many dessert tacos.

You want it?

Oh, my God, Grace. I do want it.

Were you surprised?

At the proposal? No. At the foreskin? Also no.

That's a romantic story to tell your children.

- Coyote, here's your mail. - Oh. Thanks.

Which I have only received for the last five years.

I promise when we move into our house, I will update my mailing address.

Bummer. I love reading your catalogs.

Something from the County Clerk's office.

- It must be our marriage license. - Ooh. Can I see it?

Uh, why? It's just a boring legal thing.

It's nothing special to see here.

It's not boring to me. Let me see.

No. It's bad luck.

But you just looked at it.

It's bad luck for the bride to look at it.

- That's not true. - Definitely not true.

Okay, all right, you got me.

I was planning on doing something special with it.

Like, you know, like frame it.

But you just folded it into, like, 18 squares.

Coyote, come on.

I just remembered Coyote's right.

And it is bad luck for you, the bride, to see that.

- Then I will look. - I was pressing that for the framing.

I have taken ill and must retire to the ladies room.

- All right. - Ah.

Why does this say we can't get married?

Oh, my God, you're already married?

I'm gonna go check on Allison.

No.

- Help. - Hello, Brianna. What's wrong?

What is this?

Black coffee. Maybe a dark roast? Ethiopia?

No, Mallory. This is you fucking me.

What are you talking about?

After you insisted that Adam could not get coffee for me

if I didn't work here, I went and did it myself

and they gave me this disaster.

- What did you order? - My usual.

- What's your usual? - My usual is "Adam, get me my usual."

See, this is why I need him as a part of my severance package.

He would just help me adjust to civilian life.

It's not that I can't pick up my own dry cleaning,

it's that I don't know where my dry cleaner is.

And I don't want to do it.

I am unmoved.

What do you know anyway?

You have four kids, that's like having four assistants.

You really don't understand parenthood, do you?

Dad is FaceTiming me. That's weird.

Hello, Dad's ear. Why are you FaceTiming me?

I'm not.

Dad, can you please turn the phone around and look at it.

Where's Mallory? Why did you pick up?

Because you called my phone.

I was trying to call Mallory.

Okay, hold on, I will patch you through.

Beep, boop, beep, boop, beep.

Hi, Dad.

Mallory, help. I'm in a real bind.

I can't remember when my kiss-iversary with Sol is

and he'll kill me if I don't get it right.

If it was so important to you, how did you forget it?

Because he put it in the unimportant file.

That's where I put your kids' birthdays.

I didn't put it in the unimportant file.

If Sol finds out I forgot it, he's gonna think I did. Make sense?

- No. - Totally.

Mallory, look, we all know you're great at remembering important dates.

I'm not great at it.

I just put in the effort... Stop stealing my shit.

Look, all you have to do is make a Google calendar

with everyone's important dates with reminders so you don't forget.

That sounds neat.

Can you check to see if our kiss-iversary is in there?

I'm going to say it isn't.

I tend not to put in the date of when you first cheated on our mother.

Oh, right. Gotcha.

Do you remember any details about the night?

Well, it was in 1995.

We were at the ABA Family Law Conference in New York.

I spoke at a workshop that day.

Okay, here it is.

The law conference was the 6th to the 9th.

That would mean our kiss-iversary is either the 7th or 8th.

I know how to handle this.

You need to go with the first date, the 7th.

Plan something incredible that can only happen that night.

That way, if you're wrong and it's the 8th, you're covered.

You just say that you had to celebrate it early because of the event.

That's perfect.

I knew there was a reason why I came here today.

Now I just need to find an event.

Ooh! There's a Revolutionary War reenactment at Balboa Park.

Or something maybe Sol, or literally anyone, might enjoy?

Art Garfunkel's playing that night.

Music? Hmm.

I'd better find my Scotch flask.

- Who is Missy Pachangas? - I don't know.

How do you not know? You're married to her.

I'm sorry that took so long. Faking sick made me feel actually sick.

Jessica, I am sure there's a rational explanation for all of this.

Coyote, what is the rational explanation for all of this?

I have none. I have no idea who this Missy Pachangas is.

Oh, I know her.

Why would you propose to me if you're in a relationship with someone else?

I'm not in a relationship with someone else. Okay?

I had no idea that I was married until five minutes ago.

When were you in Oxnard?

Never. No, we met in Vegas on separate benders.

All I remember is we went to a wedding together.

Your wedding?

- I'm starting to think so, yes. - Okay. So, what do we do now?

We gotta get this guy divorced.

Yeah.

And we get to go to Oxnard.

Can you put your seatbelt on?

What's the point?

Who would have guessed this would be my last time in Mexico?

I would've guessed it was my last time.

But neither of us is dying in the next three months.

All those Gor-Chupas I have yet to crunch.

Who knew I was gonna die so young?

I guess I need to get my affairs in order.

We have to see if Weird Al is available.

- He'll know what to do. - You need to leave that poor man alone.

And you are not dying anytime soon, and I'm gonna prove it to you.

I don't even know why we're here.

- I'll be six feet under in no time. - Stop talking like that.

In five minutes, my doctor,

who has an actual medical degree, unlike your doctor,

whose degree is a pile of sticks tangled up in fishing line...

It's a dream catcher, and it saved me from the flu once.

Okay, God.

Well, my doctor went to Harvard, and then he want to Johns Hopkins,

then he went back to Harvard to teach,

so if you have something that's gonna kill you

in the next three months, he's the guy who can fix it.

Even if that's true, it only means I'm gonna die some other way.

A car accident, hang-gliding accident, avalanche accident...

There are no avalanches in San Diego.

- What if we go on a trip? - We won't.

What if a big rock falls on me?

From where?

I don't know, Grace, maybe a goat kicks it off a ledge?

Use your head.

You know what? Fine.

Let's say we do know the day that a goat is gonna kick a rock off a cliff...

We do.

Can't we take precautions to stop it from happening?

For instance, we could just stay inside our home

and wrap you in bubble wrap.

Now you'll let me wrap myself in bubble wrap?

Well...

Okay, Frankie, Grace, sorry to keep you waiting.

But we've reviewed the tests and your EKG.

The short of it all:

I see no medical reason for you to expire in the next three months.

Oh, that's a relief, isn't it, Frankie?

I guess.

What about you, Grace?

The last time you were here

we discussed the possibility of you cutting back on your drinking

because your blood pressure was a little high.

Well, if my blood pressure is a little high, it's because of this one.

And the only thing that helps with that is the drinking, so, no.

I published a paper in the New England Journal of Medicine

on the effects of drinking...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Harvard. You don't know everything.

Come on, let's go.

Hmm.

Okay.

- You want to get some ice cream? - What for?

People say it tastes good.

I guess.

Might as well live every moment I have left to the fullest.

Or whatever.

- YOLO. - That's the spirit.

Let's go get you some frozen YOLO.

You don't understand, Grace.

If I'm not going to die of natural causes, and I can prevent an accidental death,

it can only mean one thing.

Yes, it means you're not gonna die.

No. I'm gonna be murdered.

God. Please don't make a murder board.

All right, Grace. Here are all the suspects.

This is insane. You know that.

Robert, Sol, Brianna, Bud, really don't have a great motive.

Good point, good point.

And Mal doesn't have it in her.

You forgot Coyote.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. And take me off too.

You're the lead suspect.

Like most serial killers, you started by killing bunnies.

Honey, if I was gonna murder you, I'd have done it by now.

- Now take my face off the board. - Or what?

You'll murder me in three months? Interesting.

God. Nobody is gonna murder you.

Ever. Everyone loves you.

That is true.

Everyone does love me.

That's what makes my murder so confounding.

I'm afraid that we've never seen a case like this.

Yeah, well, that's for sure.

Whoa, wait. Why am I back up there?

You're obsessed with me.

I catch you looking at me all the time.

Like right now.

Because I'm talking to you?

Well, then I'm out of ideas.

You said it yourself, Grace. Everyone loves me.

Except...

Ugh.

- He's screening my calls. - How do you know?

Because he keeps hanging up on me.

Just because Jack doesn't like you, doesn't mean he's a murderer.

If he keeps hanging up on you,

it does mean that he doesn't want to talk to you.

But I need to talk to him.

I still owe him a serious apology for what I did to him.

And even if he's not my killer,

I still want him to feel super sad when he finds out I've been murdered.

Tell him to come over.

How can I get him to come over when he keeps hanging up on me?

You could pull the classic closure move.

One last shag?

I'm really not in the mood.

- Can I tell him you want to? - No.

You tell him he left a bunch of his stuff here

and he's gotta come get it.

Got it. But put on something a little nicer just in case.

- Robert, where are you? - Here!

Voila.

Guess our anniversary was in your important file after all.

The system works, Sol.

Have a seat.

And Happy Kiss-iversary.

Oh. Excuse me.

Yes.

So, I did a deep Google-dive

and figured out the day you spoke at the conference.

It was the 8th. Your anniversary is tomorrow.

Thank you, Mallory.

Sol...

what day is our kiss-iversary?

What do you mean? It's today, the 7th.

Aha! It's the 8th! It's not tonight. You forgot.

I did?

Oh, God, I did.

- It's the 8th. - Mm-hm.

But why are we celebrating tonight?

Because you forgot too.

So it was in your unimportant file.

Well, Sol, I'm brave enough to admit, just like you, yes, I forgot.

But it has nothing to do with the unimportant file,

or memory loss, or whatever.

Sometimes things just slip out of your brain despite your best efforts.

I guess so.

But how did you remember?

I didn't.

Mallory just called and told me.

The only reason she found it

is because I remembered it was the night of my speech that we kissed.

Sol, you could never be in the unimportant file.

Oh, honey.

Wait, we didn't kiss the night of your speech.

We didn't?

I don't know, did we?

I'll call Mallory later. Let's eat.

Cheers.

Yep.

Hi. Missy?

Do I know you?

Not really.

But I'm your husband.

No shit, dude. I remember having a great time in Vegas

with a guy I fished out of the fountain at the Bellagio.

I had bad information that it was the pool.

Apparently you both had such a good time, you got married.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's bonkers to see you after all this time.

So all we need to do here is have you sign these papers

and we can get you both divorced.

Missy Pachangas,

will you make me the happiest guy on earth and divorce me?

Nope.

- Hey, Jack. - Hello.

You've aged well. How's it hang-a-langing?

Just fine, thank you.

If you'd please give me my belongings, I'll be on my way.

Certainly, certainly. I know I'd be upset if I left this, so...

This is yours.

I don't think so.

Yeah. Your glasses are still in it.

Agree to disagree.

But can I get my glasses back?

You made me come here for nothing?

No.

I need you to stop hating me with your fiery rage.

I don't have a fiery rage for you.

But I treated you unfairly during our relationship.

Correct.

Now that we've both acknowledged that, maybe you can stop stewing with fury.

I'm not stewing.

And I have no fury whatsoever. I feel quite fine, thank you.

Really? I didn't send you back to the psych ward?

Nope.

- Did you need to up the Prozac? - No. Why would I?

I don't know, maybe to stop yourself from killing me in three months?

I'm stuffed.

I'm sleepy.

I'll get us the water, you turn down the bed.

Deal.

What was I supposed to be doing in here again?

Water!

What am I supposed to be doing?

The bed!

I assure you that there's no way I'm your murderer in three months.

I believe you, but I can't help but be disappointed by this.

If you're worried about dying with us being unresolved,

I forgive you, and you can stop punishing yourself.

Really? After everything I did to you?

Wow, Jack, you are a really good guy.

And for what it's worth, you did not deserve how I treated you.

But you do deserve this.

And you did come for your stuff.

But I gave that to you.

I want you to have the complete set.

Thank you.

Oh, I feel so much better.

Wanna cap this off with a closure hug?

No thanks.

But I thought you forgave me?

I do. I just don't like you.

What? No. What? You don't understand, everyone likes me.

I don't. I'm going home now.

Okay, what do we need to do to get through this impasse?

Nothing. You just have to live with the fact that I don't like you.

But on the upside, I'm guessing that you're gonna have to live with that

for a lot longer than three months.

Are you trying to get me to date you again?

Because I will. Well played, sir.

Goodbye, Frankie.

Bad news: Jack is not my killer.

That's a real shame. What happened?

He forgave me. We have closure.

Why aren't you doing your closure dance?

Jack says he doesn't like me.

Uh-huh.

I mean, how can he not like me?

You forgive someone and then you like them again.

That's not always how it works.

I need to know in my limited time left on earth,

that I'm universally beloved.

Look, first of all, you are an extremely loved person.

A national treasure?

Yeah, sure, a national treasure.

You know, but it's not so bad to be disliked.

- I mean, a lot of people don't like me. - You know about that?

Yes. It doesn't bother me.

It's kind of a relief not to have to be liked by everyone.

- Just another thing we can't control. - Right. Exactly.

Like when you die.

I mean, the average life expectancy for a woman is 78.

We're past that.

So, what can anyone do?

I mean, we all have a death date. I just know mine.

- Yeah. - You know what's funny, Grace?

You're the biggest control freak I know,

yet the inevitable doesn't seem to bother you at all.

Grace? Grace?

Grace? Grace, what is it, honey?

What is it? What is it?

Breathe. Breathe, Grace! Breathe!